Moshe Kasher - Pure Adrenaline Gangsters - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

and ritalin is speed which is awesome so we crush up the ritalin real quick we're snorting ritalin and eating mushrooms and then we decide you know what let's just steal the car let's steal the car welcome is not happening I'm Ari Shaffir and tonight the topic is bloodline you wrote his own book you guys are absolutely loving please give it up for mr. Moshe kasher you guys I did write a book I did write a book cuz I had a I had a wayward childhood I had a problematic childhood and I wrote a book about it a childhood memoir of my problems growing up it's good my name's Moshe kasher it's called Catcher in the Rye and some people laughing because there's a similarly titled book is that right catch catch her in the rise at the what yeah yeah it's a weird coincidence I found out about it after I wrote my book I checked it out I read The Catcher in the Rye not impressed mine's a banger so check it out it's a real good one but it is about the problems that I had growing up I had problems growing up and this is a story about some of those problems there's some contextual information that you need to know in order to understand where this story goes first of all I have two deaf parents both my parents are deaf the super in hip-hop both of them it's true I uh I'm from Oakland California that's where I'm from I like making that little gunshot noise but like due to the effects of gentrification it's making decreasing sense every time I do it now it's more like I'm from Oakland y'all latte so I'm Oakland California kid two deaf parents raised on welfare getting into so much trouble and I was a kid I got arrested a thousand times in and out of rehab five times by the time I turned 16 been in mental hospitals I've been through a lot and I rolled with a crew of other kids that had been through a lot other white kids that you know those white kids right I see a couple of you here right now you know the white kids that get on the bus and like I'll these white kids are here you don't have talking about like week okay I put it into context we were in a gang called the PA G the pure adrenaline gangstas what's up y'all you guys confuse I get that I know how I look physically now I know that my look belies the gangster I once was I know that I look like the only gang I've ever belonged to as the 1920s gay French naval submarine gang but at that time I was thuggin right so I got to deaf parents I'm a thug wreck super gangster Oakland California that is the context from which we will spring this story I'm in so much trouble I've been arrested so many times that my mother tells me if you get busted one more time you are going away for a long time I'm sending you to a group home and that's going to be that that's curtains for you you're going to get sent away for a long time and then they were like also we're leaving town this weekend which feels like mixed messages to me what am I supposed to do they're leaving the house to me and the other pure adrenaline gangsters what do I do I invite all the gangsters over I'm like let's have a party mushrooms let's do some mushrooms does Ari Shaffir is crowd like mushrooms how about 14 year olds doing mushrooms how do 14 year olds do mushrooms of course we do the logical thing we go to the liquor store we buy some Chile picante flavored corn nuts to break the mushrooms up into so that we can mask the taste it's very classy experience there's no better way to start a psychedelic trip than with Chile picante flavored corn nuts that's how the ancient Mayans used to do it so we do we're downing handfuls of Chile picante flavored psychedelia and then somebody else busts out he's my friend David's like you know I got some ritalin because it was 91 everybody had a Dede everybody was on Ritalin and Ritalin his speed which is awesome so we crush up the ritalin real quick we're snorting ritalin and eating mushrooms and then we decide you know what let's just steal the car let's steal the car and I'm like this is a great idea my parents had this 1970 / 1971 bug it was not two cars it was one car that had been sort of Frankensteinian Lee slapped together to create a horrible eyesore of unparalleled proportions it had no floor board so you could start it kind of Flintstone style it had a button in the back that was the ignition for some reason it was so ugly I guess my parents that they're assuming that it would be too ugly for me to dare to enter but little did they know the mushrooms I would be eating would make that car look exactly like a transformer and being a 14 year old boy I loved transformer so we did that we all jumped in the car I press the button and we drive off for 14 no licenses who cares gangsta so we drive to this one liquor store in town where that will sell kids our age alcohol and we go in and we buy a bunch of 40s all of us you know the mushrooms are starting to kick in the ritalin is speeding me up you know speed and mushrooms to make the cartoons play faster right so we go into the liquor store we buy a bunch of 40s st. IDEs purely I don't with Mickey's as white boy alcohol I ain't about that life all right so we get all the 40s we jump back in the car we drive to the weed spot we buy a 20 bag and we we jump back in the car and we drive up into the hills of Oakland to this place called Tilden Park it's like a wilderness reserve in the hills of Oakland people don't know this about Oakland we have like redwood trees we have forests in Oakland they forests but they gangsta at the same time right so we're driving through the foggy night up until dim Park and we're looking for a spot you know what I mean we're looking for a spot you remember you ever do that like you got some weed you want to smoke it you got to find that spot we got to find a spot chill out you know Park at the spot look out over the over the city we're going to get to our spot we're going to darkness in the spot we'll pull over we'll suck each other's dicks real quick at the spot so we're driving looking for the spot and we pull up onto this earthen hill for some reason to turn maybe the spots up here the car literally starts to tip over backwards we all jump out of the car like this in sane sort of Chinese fire drill trying to coax the car back in onto the ground let me explain who's in the car there's so many people in the car there is a me and then there is my friend Joey and then there's my friend David and there's my friend Donny and then sitting in the back seat of the car is my friend in quotation marks Carlos now Carlos was so impressive that we had him in our Friendship Circle Carlos was a huge gangbanger from East Oakland he was from x3 the world's most dangerous gang three hanging out with us the world's least dangerous gang Carlos was a gangbanger and we loved having him around cuz he legitimized us you know what I mean he was all in blue and oh like every time you'd be like oh la we'd be like us thank you or whatever we loved it so much so we're willing to ignore the fact that Carlos was ridiculously addicted to methamphetamine and very mentally ill so that's the squad we got in the car that night we got the squad and Carlos is in the back or all we the car almost chips over backwards we say you know what we're a little scared let's forget about the spot we're a little high right now I feel like God is touching me let's not look for the spot let's pull over right where we are and smoke the weed right here so I do I pick up my pipe and I light I like to like flick the lighter I can see the flame pop out and then all of a sudden the lighter becomes more light than I could have anticipated there's light in front of me there's light behind me I'm fully illuminated by light and I'm like these mushrooms are awesome nope the cops are behind me for sure the cops are behind me I'm in a floodlight this doesn't make sense I'm like oh no if I get busted one more time I'm going away forever what do I do I gotta get rid of the evidence so I'm in a spotlight but I figure this will do the trick I roll down the window put my hand out the window drop the weed in full illumination that takes care of that I hear a door shut behind me I hear cop footprints get up and then this cop who's doing the closest thing to a joke a police officer can do leans down picks up the pipe hands it back to me and says here you are I think you dropped this and I'm like whoa what is this he's like oh you mean the weed pipe that I just saw you smoking from and also throwing on the ground in the spotlight is that what you're asking me about you want to maybe tell me what you kids are doing out here and I'm trying to think of a story and I'm on speed so I'm in good shape for a story right I'm like okay officer here's the thing I am a bit of a mechanic I'm a teenager mechanic kind of a prodigy anyway I put together these two cars he's to the 1970 and 1971 bug had a two disparate cars does Emily floorboards right now but it's really it's really in good shape anyway I got an ignition button which is really awesome I just thought you know just like a boat needs a maiden voyage so to do the car so we all show up to the car we've heard a little drive we almost tipped over but anyway well I think it's time for me to go home though another see you here so I want to thank you for pulling this over we're gonna get going right now I'm thinking I am doing great right now when behind me Carlos the gangster the thuggish of the thugs leans forward looks at the cop but goes ah he's lying to you officer yeah he just stole his parents we're like what the Carlos you were supposed to be gangster even the cop is looking at Carlos like dude snitches get stitches so he says why don't you tell me what's really going on I say well officer oh god damn it I'm sorry sorry about the swearing um I swear a lot because my mom can't hear me yeah that's right my parents are both deaf both of them death it's hard having deaf parents I'll tell you what but uh hmm I get into a lot of trouble and I'm in a lot of trouble right now and my mom said if I get busted one more time I'm going to a group home but you know what it's up to you it's your call officer you can bust me right now I can I can get sent off to a group home slip into the cracks in the system slip into crack catch aids and die or you could let me call my sister she could come out here pick up the car take it home if you let me call my sister it's up to you and the cop goes okay let's call your sister this is amazing man this is incredible I'm gonna get out I just got to call my sister I do not have a sister bit of an issue I've got a half-sister she's eight years old and lives in Brooklyn at the time so I don't think she can make the trip but I'm not going to let that kind of detail stop me I say great officer tell me what to do he says start the car follow me down the road and we'll get to a payphone papal intro technology that existed back then and we'll call your sister until we start the car up and we start to drive let me put this in context for everyone a licensed officer of the law allowed a car full of drunk high unlicensed children in a stolen vehicle to follow him down a foggy road in the middle of the night how much did this guy hate paperwork so I follow him down I get out of the car I see the pay phone and I'm like I don't know what to do but um God if you're out there maybe twice in one night isn't too much to hope for pick up the phone and put a quarter in I call a number of this local girl that I know this justice chick from around the way and I can hear it ringing ring ring click a sleepy voice an angel like Sister Sister Sister Sister oh the girl with whom I share parents it is I your brother anyway listen I need you to come I'm in a little bit of a situation right now I need you to come pick up the car and take the car home pick the car up take the car home do you understand I can hear the gears turning in her mind and she goes is there a cop there right now are you calling me to get out of trouble I'm like totally says she's like you better get me high if I come out there I'm like I would like nothing better right on officer she says she's coming she says she's coming I turn to the guys in the car behind I'm like she's coming the guys like yeah like we won the lottery 20 minutes later this girl pulls up in her boyfriend's car she gets out she walks right up to the officer she says oh I'm so sorry about this officer I was fast asleep and I didn't even hear the boys take the car out the boys she's just like riffing at this point she should have won an Academy Award for such a performance the cops like no problem and he looks at her little inquisitively looks at me looks at her blond hair blue eyes Hitler's wet dream looks back at little Jewish me like I'm deaf parents because you know you guys look exactly alike was that sarcasm who was this cop I got away man I got away sometimes you know there's only one set of footprints in the sand that's when God carries you you know I got that magical luck of a drug addict but drug addict luck always runs out in a year after that I was back in rehab back in a mental hospital and in much more trouble than I'd ever been before and if you want to know more please check out my book kasher in the Rye available now thank you guys so much appreciate it you

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 1,966,186

Keywords: Moshe Kasher comedian, Moshe Kasher videos, This Is Not Happening, watch This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir, uncensored, growing up, literary references, drugs, partying, Oakland, crime, teens, gangs, police business, lying, siblings, stand up comedy, stand up comedians, funny video, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, hilarious videos, hilarious clips, best stand up comedy, watch stand up comedy, comedian, funniest stand up comedians, stand up comic, best comedians, family

Id: Q9lMGjBEJW8

Length: 14min 58sec (898 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 02 2016