- So I did what
all of us would do. I dried the underwear off
as best as I could. Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! This is not easy for me. <i> [percussive music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> - [screaming] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [crashing] [all screaming] <i> ♪ </i> [screaming] <i> ♪ </i> - [growling] <i> ♪ </i> - This next comedian you guys
are gonna absolutely love. He's one of my favorites. Please give it up for
Mr. Rory Scovel, everybody. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - There's no reason why any kid should ever assume, ever in their life, that if they were to fart
hard enough they could shit themselves. Think about that.
Like, as a kid, why would you ever assume
that's an outcome? Why would you ever assume
that's even a possibility? The only way you would know that
for sure is if an adult told you, and that's clearly the creepiest
adult in the world. "Hey, bud,
come here for a second. "Hey, did you know
if you fart hard enough "you can shit yourself?
That's right, "tell your parents
we have a relationship. Run along.
Have a good one." Creepy neighbor guy. Another kid isn't gonna
tell you that. If another kid told you, then
you know it happened to them. They don't want to
out themselves. The only way to find out that
that's a real scenario is the hard way. And now we all know
what this story's about. The music kicks in. ♪ Ahh I was 11.
[giggles] I didn't know who I was then. [chuckles] But I found out. [laughs] I was 11 years old. I was...
[chuckles] If I can open up
to you guys... [laughter] I was headed to
a back-to-school, end-of-the-summer pool party at a friend's house. And this is going into
seventh grade. This is when it starts
to fucking matter, you know what I mean? Before seventh grade,
you didn't give a shit. You just did whatever you did. But as soon as, like--
when you're 11, 12, you start caring
what people think. It's really the moment in time where everything
becomes horrific for the rest of your life
because you start to care so much about what people think. I'm on my way
to this pool party. My step-mother's driving. We got to stop at gymnastics
to pick up my sister. She gets out of the car,
runs inside to grab her. I'm just sitting in the car. I have to fart,
you know what I mean? Little did I know I had to shit. Little did I know
I had to shit. I thought I only had to fart. I thought, you know what,
I gotta fart, move some stuff around in here. We all think that.
Like, when you have to shit and you go,
"If I fart a little bit, make a little room." You know what I mean?
Move the furniture around. Little feng shui of the gut. Do a little
feng shui of the gut, if we can. I farted and my world changed. [laughter] I was no longer
just an innocent child. The world became a real place. One second ago I was just
a normal kid. Now I'm someone who understands
that people die every day. [laughter] Every day people die. That's the world
we truly live in. And I now know that. When you are 11 and you fucking
fart in your car and shit yourself,
you're like... [yells] [yelling]
"What?" You have to--first you have to just grasp the concept that
that's a thing. You didn't know that.
You're like, "Aah! "Okay, noted. "Never do this again.
Never. Never have this kind of
confidence." [laughter] "You got to figure out how
to fix this situation. "All right, I got to go inside. I got to sort this out." I had about 30 yards between
the car and the front door into the gymnastics place. And that's what we'll call it:
the gymnastics place. Those are the words I've chosen
for this story. You have 30 yards to figure out how to walk as though
it looks like you didn't just shit yourself. When you first get out of
the car, you're waddling a little bit because it gives
you kind of an idea of what you're working with back there. How much did I shit,
you know what I mean? You don't know. Waddle a little bit. Try to see.
Where are the boundaries? You can't waddle for too long, because if
someone sees you waddling, their first guess is that
you've shit yourself. No one's like,
"Oh, that kid has a problem." They're like,
"No, he probably shit himself. I bet he found out the hard way
that life is real." You have 30 yards to go
from like, "Aah" to, like, some sort of
upright, big left arm swing... "Hi, I'm a member of
the country club. "How are you?
I'm 11. I pay my monthly dues." [laughter] You have 30 yards
to figure out how to walk, 'cause as soon as you get
through those doors, now there's people watching. And you gotta get
to the bathroom. I get in there. There's not a men's room and a women's room. There's just one bathroom that everybody has to use,
like, individually. I know, right?
Like, even then, gymnastics didn't have
the funding. It's a fucked-up situation. [laughter] I get in there. And I see the bathroom. Bolt past everybody. Go in.
Close the door. Home free. Here we are in the bathroom where we can really fix
this situation. What do I do first?
I get the underwear off, folks. I'm not an animal. [laughter] I try to clean them
as best as I can in the sink. Picture what you want. I don't care. Whatever you picture,
that is truly what happened. I tried to clean them
in the sink. Okay,
we all have the same thought, let's go. I thought, "Maybe I can just
take these off, clean them, throw them in the trash can." There's not, like,
a regular trash can in the bathroom that has, like,
a trash bag in it. There was one tiny little pail
trash can with zero other trash items
in it. So that's out. I'm not gonna throw my
shitty underwear in the trash, walk out,
the next person comes in. "Hey. "Did you leave
your shitty underwear in the trash?" I thought I could
flush my underwear. crowd: No. - No, okay. [laughter] Little did I know how relatable
this story truly was. [laughter] Till that groan right there. "No.
You can't--hey, bro." Everyone's got a cigarette
for some reason. "No, you can't--
you can't flush that. You can't flush that.
Nah, nah." Imagine stopping up
the fucking toilet. You walk out, someone's like, "Hi, sorry, did
you try to flush your clothes? "'Cause you're dumb? "Sorry, did you wipe yourself
with your clothes and then flush them?" So I did
what all of us would do. I dried the underwear off
as best as I could. [crowd groaning] Shut up!
Shut up! [laughter] Shut up! This is not easy for me! This is a part
of my 12-step program, okay? Go to a strip club
and tell this story. It's weird that
that's the first step, but it is. I go to a very "alty" AA. AAA. [laughs] I dry them off as best as I can. I grab a bunch of paper towels. I'm wringing them out. [scoffs]
Come on. And then I shove them
into my pocket. [low laughter] Yeah, I shove them in my pocket. What am I gonna fucking do? I'm trying to figure it out.
I'm 11. [laughter] Honestly, for 11 I'm like,
"Pretty smart kid. "Hello, Harvard, Yale, others. Others I don't know of." I shove them into my pocket. I get back in the car. We're on our way
to the pool party. No one in the car knows. My step-mom doesn't know. My sister doesn't know. I'm sitting there just... [high-pitched breathing] It felt like I was going
through, like, customs with a suitcase of blow. [shrieking] Oh, God,
I'm redneck Johnny Depp. I get to the party. My step-mother's just
dropping me off, so she's just pulling up. I'm jumping out. I get out of the car. I can hear everybody
in the backyard at the pool. I go up to the front door. I knock.
No one answers. It's unlocked. I go in, thinking, now, I'm gonna have to
interact with people. Be ready.
Go inside. There's no one in the house. There's a stairwell
right in front of me. I go right up it. In my head, I'm like, there's a bathroom
at the top of the stairs. I'll go in that bathroom. People will be like,
"Oh, Rory got here and he had to go
to the bathroom." Little do they know,
I already had. Still, what is the solution? That's what I'm going through. I can't leave the underwear
in the trash can here. This is even worse than
the fucking-- the gymnastics place. I'm definitely not
flushing them here. I know that
outside of this bathroom, to my right is my friend
Michael's bedroom. To my left is his
younger brother's bedroom. I take the underwear
out of my pocket, I open the door, and I just fucking launch them
into the corner of his younger brother's room.
I see them. I see it hit the corner
and fall behind the bed. I walk away.
I walk away. It's not me anymore. That's no longer a part of me. That's not my issue. I don't know what you're talking
about, Officer. Why are you at this party? Why did they hire the police? That's a better question. I walk away. What's funny about this story
in my mind is that-- I was on a friend's podcast and they were telling stories
about shitting themselves. And it was only then
that it occurred to me that I even had this story. That's how powerful
the human mind is. I erased what--
everything I just told you happened exactly the way
I just told you, and I erased that from my memory so that I could continue
as a person. 'Cause if I were to have gotten
hung up on that, there's no way I would be
public speaking at a strip club. I had to move on. And I remembered, "Oh, my God, that did happen to me." And also, I now remember, my step-mother used to write
my name in some-- [laughter] Some of my underwear. How fucked up is that? Not even all of 'em. Or none of them. Some of them. How lazy can you be? If I had ten pairs of underwear, she probably wrote it in, like,
four pairs of underwear. To this day, I have no idea
if my name was written in that pair of underwear. I threw it, I walked away,
I thought, "That's gone." Is it? [laughter] As a stand-up comedian,
I've been fortunate enough to get to do some things
on television. Not a lot. I think a good amount of things. If you're trying to
do things on television, I've been fortunate enough
to get to do some. And I'm happy about it. And I've always been grateful
for that, but now knowing about this past that I deleted from my memory, I wonder, is there any chance my name
was in that underwear and anyone in that family
has ever seen me do anything? The current thing
I'm doing right now is going to be on television. I just--is there a part of them
that has ever seen something and been like, "Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. "Go back, go back, go back.
No, no, no, no. "Go down, go down.
Go down. "Go down, go down.
Go down one channel. Well, then go up two channels!" [laughter] "Go up two channels. "It's not even that hard.
Thank you. "There.
No, stop. "Go back.
There! "Him. "That guy. "That motherfucker right there. "That's the guy
who ruined our family. "You see that, Michael? "You see him?
You remember him? "Look at him. "That guy right there. That guy's the reason
your brother killed himself." [low laughter] Oh, you wanted a happy ending? I'm on television
telling the story! [laughter and applause] Thank you guys very much. I appreciate it.
