r/Whitepeopletwitter | this year is LIT!!!

just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray now it's name is brit and he won't shut up about crossfit don't use anything old spice if you try again because then it'll just turn into terry crews and they'll kick your ass how's it going ladies and gentlemen welcome back to mk i'm your host robin and i have been chosen to take a nice little peruse through r slash white people twitter gee willikers i wonder why they chose me alrighty then without much further ado let's hop in shall we 2020 in a single remarkable photo wear a mask wash your hands social distance and stay safe no oh oh man i miss how nickelodeon and cartoon network only aired commercials aimed at kids i wish there was an option for that on hulu and youtube like please no more insurance or antidepressants please only show me the latest in super soaker technology okay that one i fully agree with and to be honest i really have not kept up with water gun tech over the last 10 15 years i should probably pick that up again if your entire personality is giving people a hard time as a joke know that you're one of the most exhausting people on earth hey that's me oh no i'm an american i bleed red white and blue because something is wrong with me but i can't afford to co-pay to go see my doctor if that ain't the truth i don't know what the hell is greatest country in the world i have severe asthma and can breathe through a mask just fine i don't know what some of y'all are complaining about shake my head yeah people really don't have any excuse at this point if cats don't want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn't be roughly the size and shape of little babies yeah stupid little feline pieces of crap sent a text to my polish neighbor asking if it was okay to cut the grass as i didn't want to wake his baby and he sent back the child must not be an obstacle that's a good way of looking at it favorite new thing scratching haunting things into bananas at the market so when people take them home hours later and the words appear they think a ghost knows their secrets don't do that please don't ever do that that's kind of rude look did you own that banana no then what are you doing messing with it bank employee what if we stayed open later than 5 30. ceo that's the dumbest crap i've ever heard other bank employee how about a sign outside that displays the temperature 24 7. first of all promoted yep banks really have their priorities in order [Laughter] a man goes to a bar in new orleans can i have a corona in two hurricanes please that'll be twenty dollars and twenty cents oh my god that is the funniest i have ever read teacher your essay must start with an attention grabber me so i'm sitting there barbecue sauce on my titties yeah that'll fly shout out to the guy making announcements at my gate he said and i quote now boarding group a as in apple bottom genes and group b as in boots with the fur more airline employees need to have a little fun and i don't mean united type of fun where it's fight club 24 7. i mean actual fun i can't believe we're all gonna die because a bunch of middle-aged women are bored ah middle-aged white women march commercial during these uncertain times we're thinking of you and your family august commercial look you might as well catch it at burger king come on i don't know if i want to catch it at a freaking d tier fast food joint i don't like living in a time a future historian will build their entire career on come on dave that's not the right way to look at it you might get your photo on a textbook someday every safety plan i've seen that would allow public schools to reopen requires that kids behave in ways that no child has ever behaved in the history of children yeah uh i got nothing it's just depressing why is the chosen one always a teenager we're really gonna put the fate of the universe on someone with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex give me a story with a chosen one who's a 42 year old mom that's already seen some crap and is totally out of [ __ ] to give are you telling me that you want the chosen one to potentially be a karen my friend got a degree in egyptology but can't get a job so he's paying more money to get a phd so he can work teaching other people egyptology in his case college is literally a pyramid scheme my dad was raised in a conservative catholic household but has really made strides since having kids to be open-minded and has even recently become an lgbtq activist because of my sister she's not gay but she dyed her hair blue recently and he doesn't know the difference well a lot of people really don't study three years for degree study three more for phd join lab start working spend years studying problem form hypothesis gather evidence test hypothesis form conclusions report findings clear peer review findings published reported in press guy on internet bullsh professor most of you won't pass this course me cool so you're like really crappy at your job you know i'm glad somebody else said it 2015 i spent all day crying omg what happened are you okay 20 20 i spent all day crying lol me too haha look at this raccoon picture no we were doing that in 2015 too don't don't get it mixed up new dating app idea called 7.5 only for people who are like a strong seven maybe an eight on a good day who look kinda athletic but would probably die if they had to run a mile have depression but the kind that makes you funny cars check engine light is on no one else is allowed alright i definitely don't fit any of that at all so another one i can't use if we're being honest 2020 is the perfect year to get rid of daylight savings time just rip the band-aid off while we're all home confused as hell anyway yeah i still don't understand why we use daylight savings time arizona survived how come cashiers at 24 7 mcdonald's can de-escalate situations better than cops because we get fired if we don't ain't that the truth imagine how scary danny devito would be if he was anything other than an actor like what if he was your dentist well if he was my dentist then nobody would have any clue who danny devito really is therefore he's not really scary he's just a short guy fixing my teeth in a sense none of our dinosaurs have ever escaped because society itself is just another larger cage heck yeah that sounds smart but yeah like 18 to 19 dinosaurs are currently loose shout out to my dog who will literally eat cat crap given the opportunity but try to hide a pill with three pounds of cheese around it and suddenly she's gordon ramsay dogs are a lot smarter than we give them credit for okay i'm kidding they're just smart asses a cooking competition show but all of the chef's spouses are there to somehow keep standing in front of whatever drawer or cabinet they need to get into okay i'm a hundred percent down for this idea can we make this happen why will liquor stores and mary junior dispensers be open on easter while churches are closed because booze and wheat are cool and god is fake hope this helps why you know like god take that liberal i'm thankful to have a great boss congratulations to jonathan warrington for being employee of the month jonathan will get a three-day and night all-expense-paid hunting and fishing trip to arkansas for his hard work this is my brother's page he owns his own company he is the boss he's literally the only employee yeah and some people think your 40s are lame but later today we're going to costco and getting an entire case of this green tea that i tried last weekend and really enjoyed simon you're out there living life to the fullest and i appreciate that why is being alive so expensive i'm not even having a good time fire alarm keeps going off so i did what everyone would do and made the bed and swiffered the floors in case a truckload of hot dudes end up going apartment to apartment i gotta be ready beth all these parents are crying dropping off their freshman children at college as if they're not going to be picking them back up in three weeks gotham is the worst lit city in the universe please turn on some lights i'm begging you there's only one light in gotham that matters and you know exactly what it is to understand millennials you have to understand that the happiest time of our lives was the 142 days between when shrek released and 9 11. really to be honest i thought it had to do with the three or so weeks after pokemon go released and everybody in the world was just love and life disney are remaking home alone this is a petition for them to recast 38 year old mccully culkin as nine-year-old kevin mcallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it clearly that didn't go through because he's 40 now and i haven't heard anything about it since so i'm kind of sad people who actually unpack their suitcase and use the dresser in their hotel room are at a level of responsibility that i will simply never attain same and i'm the type of person that unpacks their suitcase the second they get home i heard someone say they knew a guy named hunter in college but he was vegan so they called him gatherer and i think that's hilarious that is hilarious muhammad ali float like a butterfly jellyfish done sting like a bee i am nailing this my favorite tutor at uni had a great journalism 101 lesson if someone says it's raining and another person says it's dry it's not your job to quote them both your job is to look out the freaking window and find out which is true if i was a professional dominatrix i'd advertise myself as propane and propane accessories and my company would be called kink of the hill thank you goodbye forever what do you mean if you were a professional dominatrix you need to enact this business model now hey people who fold your laundry straight out of the dryer how is it up there on your high horse it's pretty good i'm just kidding i don't fold my laundry i roll it you know there's a massive societal change when an item gets added to the checklist now you gotta check your phone wallet keys and a mask there's a new guy at work starting called wayne bruce and i said ah my old nemesis man bat and nobody got it honestly i'm wasted here not all capes wear heroes no i think they got it it just wasn't that funny most of my co-workers at the places i've worked gave me at least two weeks before they started making batman jokes dating can't wait to see you again marriage part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night you gonna send your kid to school with the paw patrol mask and he gonna come home with a spiderman mask because he made a trade at lunch whole school is gonna be shut down the next day if in retrospect we find out that the masks were not helpful or that they were just tools of some hoax or conspiracy if i come to find out i really am one of those sheeple i'll still sleep real well because i'll go to bed knowing that my motive was to love my neighbor as myself what if we all come together and make a better healthier world and it was all for nothing won't somebody think of the shareholders pitch who wants to be a millionaire but the contestants are billionaires so it's more of a threat oh oh please them how old are you me 33 and you don't have kids wow time to get on that i've had seven miscarriages looking incredibly uncomfortable and i hope we've learned a lesson in asking inappropriate personal questions they won't learn a damn thing they'll do it again mulan will release on disney plus on september 4th for 29.99 in the us so i have to pay to watch a movie on a streaming service i already pay for yeah that's disney for you this is why us pirates aren't going anywhere owen wilson has made around 217 million dollars from his movies he averages around 3 500 words per movie in 47 movies that's about 1300 per word wow was 102 of those words owen wilson has made roughly a hundred and thirty-five thousand dollars from saying wow good night twitter he's really worth that much holy god if i could give any advice to my eight-year-old self stop talking about how much you like owls all the time you're about to get worthless owl things for every holiday until you're 20. start talking about how much you like cold hard cash why pay 15 on pad thai when you can spend 45 dollars for all the ingredients to make a worse pad thai i just keep seeing people on social media eating at restaurants traveling doing whatever and i'm just sitting in my apartment like i've hallucinated a pandemic i seriously don't get people who are like no pets allowed in zoom if my students have a pet and it doesn't make an appearance i'm marking it as absent so it has to come see me during lunch people who sleep with their phone on silent or dnd really don't give a crap about anybody's life look if you decide to have a problem after midnight that's between you and god i made a plague where people could be a hero by staying at home and watching tv and the morons still couldn't do it yeah i feel that second flood coming on anytime now women are so adorable when you compliment their dress and the dress has pockets hey that's a nice dress thanks it has pockets and then she puts her hands in them to show you please put pockets on girl's pants oh my god my three-year-old is so angry when she doesn't have pockets or the pockets are fake she has things to hold like rocks and power rangers she's resorted to putting stuff down her shirt come on pockets for girls please yeah i'll never understand why we stopped putting real pockets on girls clothing do we think that they don't have to carry crap too or is it some kind of conspiracy to sell more purses when i was four my dad got pulled over and i screamed i have to poop and the cop let my dad go when he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn't stop laughing after i told him i didn't have to poop just didn't want him to get a ticket sure hope my kids return the favor absolutely baller content from the postal workers union neither snow nor rain nor heat nor night nor fascism nothing stops the mail why is my church closed and the strip clubs are open progress ah satan's coming out on top this time folks i was petting a dog and the owner was like do you want to see your puppy and i was like heck yeah so for real i went to this bitch's car with her and the puppy was cute but i really followed a stranger to her car because she said she had a puppy ted bundy would have loved my dumb ass unpopular opinion i don't think your life has to have a purpose or you a grand ambition i think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die that's right we're gonna have to retire the expression avoid it like the plague because it turns out humans do not do that my son told me that a kid was teasing him by rhyming his name in insulting ways i asked him the other kid's name and gave him some ideas for rhymes he can use against him my wife does not agree with my parenting strategy but i feel that name rhyming in self-defense is ethical prediction for 2020 bermuda triangle just starts roaming around the earth slowly like a roomba please don't please don't do this dude don't give the universe any more ideas than it probably has on the back burner i want to be 14 again so i can ruin my life differently i have some new ideas dude absolutely same folks who don't give you a recipe because it's a family secret are very odd first of all it's not like your family's living off these cinnamon rolls and secondly you've told me that you cheat on your wife before so it's like freaking clove or not sexy cop costumes are out and sexy mailman costumes are in they've always been in people have just been too cowardly to admit it we just waited an hour to see our pediatrician as soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said this is a clock which was the most passive aggressive thing i have ever witnessed man your kid's gonna be a real [ __ ] when they grow up everyone thinks it's quirky to come from a small town but it just means that you see all of your peers turn into drug addicts and also there's cows yeah does your stomach ever hurt so bad that you get completely naked on the toilet oh man oh yeah oh yeah absolutely i got so hungover two days ago that i laid in the fetal position naked on my bathroom floor and proceeded to throw up 12 times before noon students are being suspended for taking pictures of schools that aren't following coronavirus safety protocols hopefully they don't stop until every student is suspended and safe at home i can't believe my parents let me be my own person instead of forcing me to play sports or take some kind of lesson because now i'm an adult who has no hobbies and no talent oh i see you didn't have to call everybody out like that the eight-year-old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn't just dig up dead people to get their teeth come on guys the tooth fairy ain't that desperate when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen and when you turn 16 you get a text from prince andrew i don't know who needs to hear this but if the house is 73 and you want it to be 68 turning the thermostat down to 60 does not get you to 68 any quicker and by i don't know who i mean my wife but i can't tell her because she's pregnant and scares me yeah surprisingly enough the temperature you're setting it to was not the temperature of the air coming out of the air conditioner hear me out a movement where we illegally plant trees everywhere and refuse to stop you might want to sit down for this get ready are you ready and sharifah i get it it's a great joke but we should genuinely be doing things like this i think a lot of folks assume they're hated for their sexuality or race or gender when in reality they're just unlikable god i'm getting called out a lot today and i am not a fan america just needs a mom to be like a new war you got new war money you never even finished the last two we have plenty of war at home i was just in an uberpool with a couple going to their wedding and they had the audacity to be mad at me for joining the pool even though they chose uberpool on their wedding day sounds like a them problem imagine you were a whale and you were breaking up with your whale girlfriend and humans recorded your conversation and put it on spotify to fall asleep to that would be so messed up yeah laura it would be super messed up crystal dagger uncovered in spain dating around 3000 bc good save it for december when the white walkers come for us in the 2020 season finale yeah those jokes never got old me touch his wife's arm zap wife ow you shocked me i am so sorry it's okay it's not like you did it on purpose me under breath pika pika okay jesus christ i drew some fan art of robin it's pretty bad excuse me excuse me pretty bad no no no no no no no we're not doing that anymore all right no more trash talking yourself i'm tired of that and just like that we have so thankfully come to the end of another video always remember if you even somewhat enjoyed this one consider dropping a like down below and if you really liked it well then make sure to get yourself subscribed and click that bell icon and until next time we'll catch you later

Channel: EmKay

Views: 674,382

Rating: 4.9400835 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, sorrow tv, rslash, giofilms, r/whitepeopletwitter, r/white people twitter, r/whitepeopletwitter top posts, r/whitepeopletwitter best posts, white people twitter, reddit twitter, reddit funny, reddit emkay, r/whitepeopletwitter emkay, emkay

Id: -gjDga2HAYk

Length: 18min 37sec (1117 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 31 2020