r/SuspiciouslySpecific | PONKER

campfire nobody the trees the stars guy who just let his marshmallow on fire I like them burnt mandatory disclaimer this entire video was meant for satire and none of this is actually meant to be taken seriously whatsoever so with that being said are / suspiciously specific horoscope girls be like hey I'm sorry I cheated on you with your dad steal your money and broke your car windows but I'm an asparagus it's just how I am illegal life pro tips request is it illegal to train a monkey to use a gun and let it loose in Walmart in the Toy Story movies Andy's mom never remarried this is a subtle nod to how Andy and his mom were better off without a stepdad just like how my mom and I are better off without Trevor stop dating my mom Trevor you've stupid deal Mia my ex some dork who probably has never been teased by the police and Applebee's parking lot Petsmart employees when they see BDSM kids coming in to use that's painful not as painful as dropping the cab to the fuel tank of the tugboat it's being used to move a mile long piece of pipe right in front of the supervisor who is heading up a multi-million dollar operation my son was so cute today he asked me Dad our cloud candy I told him they were water then he asked me Dad what's Earth's defense system than I remember I don't have his son and he asked me again with his eyes now obsidian black if you're laid up with their girl in a 41 to 135 degree room and she starts multiplying rapidly that is a foodborne pathogen stay woke when my brother was like nine he said get the instead of get the flag on roblox so they banned him and he cried so hard he threw up on the carpet I broke up with my girlfriend at a restaurant she started crying everyone thought I proposed to her something started clapping it's the same as talking to your wife about divorce at a family event and your family thinks that you guys are pregnant because of the excitement on your face when you bring your girlfriend the beyblade World Championship and she starts flirting with you dude you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards five stars truly wonderful pizza perfect for eating in bed right before you cry yourself to sleep because you're a single 35 year old dude with self-destructive tendencies that get in the way of every promising relationship and turn to either drugs or food to numb the pain and food is a much slower death of than coke ADA bless they have Diet Mountain Dew me I play some music uber driver sure me pulling out my tuba do you like VeggieTales [Laughter] use hockey tape of your Canadian use scotch tape of your scotch use that keep your duck or use double-sided tape of your a two-faced backstabbing [ __ ] named Steve who says he's your brand but also makes passes your girlfriend a touch to her about you every change gets I know Steve I know your tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom they excuse themselves and go to the restroom leaving you alone on their bed what is your next move a lick there Himalayan salt lamp be like Larry Malayan Sun lamp or Zia lick their Himalayan salt lamp or D all of the above would you don't know can't hurt you says the person painfully unaware that a 90 kilogram projectile is heading for them at 285 kilometers an hour when you gamble your life savings away so now you gotta secretly kill your children so that your wife is preoccupied with that and thus unable to be mad at you Denny's at Denny's Danner Danner dinner Danny's dinner Danner [Laughter] locked out of your apartment because your friend dropped your keys in a storm drain even though you specifically told them to empty their pockets before attempting that cartwheel way for the locksmiths at Denny's we're open 24/7 when you eat half a pack of Oreos put them back and come back in five minutes to eat the other half and since we're just eating the whole package at once thickness isn't just a hobby it's a lifestyle our slash nose stupid questions how much energy is needed to kick a toddler over a fence assuming the fence is 2.5 meters high in the toddler has a weight of let's say 40 kilograms and you stained about 1.5 meters away from the fence it's all hypothetical of course how does seem like a Noah person at social events one where a head do not wear a helmet no helmets to talk to people do not gather mice and raise up a choir or say things like how are you never say boo boo dingdong doodoo why would you say that have a drink do not destroy Rob stays on you didn't order 'va do not suck on a fault up napkin [Laughter] stay in the crowd for a suitable love around do not loudly announcer this is what do I do it dance to the music do not flop around foam flying your mouth be sturdy and full of hope ask people for their phone numbers if they decline do not dive into the nearest garbage can say goodbye to everyone do not say you will see them in hell it's not funny it is true you are going to hell to a guide lady's picture this you're driving to dinner and you're in lies with your husband and two kids singing sweet child of mine your voice is flat in the sounds awful even though you spend $1200 a week on voice lessons but luckily your husband Derek is able to save the song with his solo you know how when you're a fast Walker in the guy ahead of you is fast - but only 90 percent as fast as you so you must pass him but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass that's annoying I hate that pose that's like what you named your stuff animal as a kid is a personality test cuz the only notably Dave stuffed animal I had as a kid was one of those wretched baby dolls with a hard plastic head feed and hands and the soft fabric body and I could kept them fully nude at all times and often accustomed to steer the plastic dog against linoleum it is named one big foot Larry what everybody says about me [Music] I killed a dragon I trained a dragon I raised a dragon [Music] I'm guilty of 17 counts of home invasion in the state of Louisiana from 2008-2012 me finally takes my schizophrenia medication my homie Jerome told my cousin he got me pregnant as an April Fool's joke he who is scared as l'm ow why was he scared yeah it couldn't sleep last night I kept thinking about how the Green Ranger had a dagger that was a flute that sounded like a synthesizer that's trying to sound like a trumpet oh and he blew and do it with his helmet on [Music] our slash nose stupid questions what's the worst that could happen to me if I took a watermelon to a bowling alley and rolled it down one of the lanes it could cut the machinery and you could be arrested for destroying property or I guess for the absolute worst thing you could throw the watermelon it accidentally hit a child in the head they followed out a crack through skull open dying in agony you're arrested for murder and go to jail for life with no chance of parole it also turns out that child was destined to grow up to bring world peace and without them 30 years from now nuclear war breaks atom and human race is extinguished leaving Vieira there's an irradiated and unlivable hellscape girls have read it what something guys should feel insecure about basic manners and social awareness sense hanging out casually at home find a bourbon pick your teeth at a nice restaurant or wedding no read the room is anyone else at this funeral taking their shoes off are displaying themselves all over the couch no Shawn they're not when you're ranting about Kung Fu Panda lore but your therapist asks you when you will start talking about your clinical depression we will get there when we get there I am so freakin freaked out a journal in which I can fear Izzie scribble the heavily detailed multi-layer evidence for how freaking freaked out I freaking am because it's all pulsing through my brain like the television news treatment of a minor natural disaster with myself as the self-appointed expert tasked with obsessively reporting the irresponsible conjecture and repeating images of destruction as I can obliged my own thought process and descent into an island recoverable tailspin of idiotic mental babble until I've taken several deep breaths call the few friends and written it all down at which point I just might feel a little better until the next freakin time I freaking freak out again Jesus okay new rule if you regularly consume the blood and flesh of a demigod in a room full of chanting elders you're not allowed to call other religions primitive and evil this is oddly specific and leaves some very interesting questions unanswered yeah Catholicism sure does sound weird when you put it that way I just woke up got some leftover fireworks gonna shoot him scare a couple senior citizens then maybe pet a stray cat after wouldn't expect anything else from the xanax thank you for making it this far make sure you click the notification phone and subscribe because I really appreciate the validation from random strangers on the Internet to make me feel a little better so yeah anyways I click on one of the end screens here and I'll see you next time

Channel: Oz Media

Views: 1,459,907

Keywords: r/suspiciouslyspecific, reddit true stories, reddit top posts, reddit posts, top posts of all time, r/ top posts, r/, reddit, best of reddit, subreddit, suspiciously specific, suspiciously specific reddit, suspiciously specific oz

Id: f-JyAsS1c5Y

Length: 12min 27sec (747 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 17 2019