r/AmiTheA**Hole For 'Robbing' College Tuition Money From Family?

good day there guys thanks wearing a floral shirt is a personality trait here back at it again with another episode of r slash am i the a-hole now if you love this content i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbie and enjoy the bloody good content posted by user am i the a-hole unimone titled am i the a-hole for not paying for my siblings to go to university i'm 29 female my siblings are 19 female twins and 17 male about a year ago i won a rather large amount of money since then i paid off my mortgage bought a rental home paid for my parents to spend two months on holiday paid off their mortgage and bought each of my younger siblings either a car or in the case of my brother a motorbike i have recently started planning my wedding to my partner of four years originally we were going to have a very low budget wedding because neither of us were particularly wealthy and have little financial support from our parents hers are homophobic and mine are just not well off enough to spend money on a wedding but now we plan on having a slightly bigger wedding however during these discussions my mother has been getting increasingly upset at the amount i'm spending wedding will be around 40 to 50k all up including honeymoon and partner is contributing 12k so it's not like we're spending in astronomical amounts and has repeatedly suggested that we stick to our low budget plans and give money to her for my siblings college funds instead these comments have been confusing me because she has told me in the past that she got 20k when i was born to put towards my college fund from her parents and then 10k for each of my siblings i got through college on my scholarships and my part-time job so presumably she has 50k already for my siblings college fund this came to a head about a week ago when she came with me to go to my fitting for my wedding dress and she saw the price tag three thousand dollars she had a complete meltdown in the store about me wasting money and how she needed it and i confronted her about the college fund she admitted that she and my dad had spent the money on trips away alcohol and gambling and now there was almost nothing left i said if she wasted 50k meant for her children's college funds then why should i give her any more at this point she stormed out after throwing her glass of wine on my dress that cost 300 to clean and has since said that she's not coming to my wedding and will stop my dad and siblings from coming am i the a-hole here what no that's all i have to say your mum's crazy she's in denial she's big dumb no stupid woman no no no not the a-hole it's in no way your fault or responsibility that your mother squandered her own children's college funds if you want to help your siblings through college it should be at your discretion and not at her demands i agree i absolutely hate it when people waste their money on stuff like this and then get mad when no one helps them it's not op's fault that a parent spent 50k on gambling trips and stuff so she is not obligated to give her mother anything like what the person said above if you want to help your siblings it's up to you just give it to your siblings directly rather than your parents though chances are they might just waste that too opie you are not the a-hole she also paid off her parents mortgages unless the income has decreased substantially they should be able to contribute at least an equivalent amount to their kids college fees they could even take out a new mortgage to pay for it although it doesn't sound like they're good enough with money to manage a lump sum over several years not the a-hole she do be saying why should i have to do that when my daughter has all that money she is just wasting on her wedding when opie won that money the mother saw dollar signs and a get out of jail free card not the a-hole she's toxic it's money for your future you've already done more than enough for your family your brothers can work hard and get a scholarship or do what most do take out loans and work if you let them ride your coattails you won't be helping them in the long run totally agree the money she has left would be better used to set up a fund for her own future kids college not for her siblings even more after what she has already given to all of her family she is building her own family that should be her priority from now on not the a-hole also there is no guarantee that op won't need a chunk of money just to have children if they choose if their house is paid off they can use that as equity to take out a loan to repay their debt to your siblings if you're feeling generous provide tuition money directly to your siblings your parents clearly can't manage finances good points but i wouldn't be shocked if they've already remortgaged the house or possibly they can't get a second mortgage because they have extensive credit card debts i'm amazed that they were so open about where the money has gone that alone makes me suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg if she can have a conversation with her eldest daughter why can't she speak to her younger children presumably they were only expecting 10k each to begin with that's actually not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things even if they'd done the maths and were expecting 25k it's still not the ops faults this is extortion what kind of person sabotages their child's wedding especially when that child has paid off their mortgage and sent them on holiday the op should think about hiring security for the wedding regardless of whether she invites her family or not i have a feeling that being able to remove people quickly and relatively quietly is going to come in handy posted by user pancased titled am i the a-hole for not taking a joke that my boyfriend made my boyfriend and i met a few friends for drinks this evening he was finishing some work so i left the flat first and he met up with us later on on our walk home he abruptly asked me if i had a key small context our lock was recently broke and until it's properly replaced we have a temporary lock and only one key typically the rule is that the last person to leave the flat takes the key unless we know that one of us will be home earlier i said i didn't because i assumed he would take it as he left the flat last he became extremely upset and agitated he demanded to know why i hadn't taken the key and said that he was sure i'd used it last and so must have lost it or replaced it causing him to forget it he repeatedly said things along the lines of we're screwed because of you you realize that i can't believe you did this towards the beginning i assumed that he was joking and laughed a little which prompted him to snell and say you think this is a fudging joke you locked us out you lost the key this continued for over five minutes by the time we got to the flats i was nearly crying we stood outside of the flight for another few minutes while my boyfriend berated me he made me peek over one of the windows to look at the space where we normally leave the key he said it's not there is it right and whose fault is that i sat down on the front steps and was burying my face in my hands and thought i was going to be sick finally he said all right then let's go inside when i looked up he was taking the key out of his pocket it was all a jerk he's now genuinely angry at me because i went directly to shower and have been very quiet for the remainder of the evening he says i can't take a joke i hate being the humorless [ __ ] but i really feel this went beyond a joke am i being an overly sensitive a-hole edits i went to sleep and woke up to all of this and my post is locked for some reason so i'm not able to reply i promise to read everything and reply to all the dms sorry if it looks like i'm ignoring everyone editing this on the 5th of july because the post is locked we had an on and off relationship for about 2 years now i'm usually the one to come back because i have dependency issues and miss him too much stuff like this happens frequently his inability to apologize is his worst trait the incident in the post hit different because i truly felt i did nothing wrong and couldn't believe things fell apart so fast i spoke with him about it the following morning he said he wasn't to blame for my overreaction and that i owed him an apology for giving him a hard time over a joke we didn't speak for most of the day and now things are more or less back to normal i'm going to say you're not the a-hole here this is some really weird behavior by the boyfriend and i don't think that it's particularly socially acceptable and i'm pretty sure if you told anyone else about this they'd be like why is your boyfriend abusing you like this why is he not apologizing for this it's obviously not a joke you know it's only a joke if both of us are laughing and you obviously didn't laugh that's not okay opie you're not the a-hole he played a cruel joke on you verbally abused you until you cried and is now gaslighting you check out the emotional abuse tab at the bottom of the below page i hope you don't recognize your situation in any of that but i fear you will and that's thehotline.org is this abuse and abuse defines that's emotionally abusive as hell i hate to be the one to say this but please run like hell i was previously in an emotionally abusive relationship where my ex loved to make jokes that like your boyfriends involved talking down to me or saying things that he knew would upset me please run agreed as a sensitive woman in a relationship with a jokester this is way too far and isn't a joke it's emotional abuse and he likely enjoyed toying with you and your emotions and feeling superior over you run i would say i'm also a sensitive woman with a jokester and i really give him a lot of crap about his jokes especially when they're about something i think is completely inappropriate and unfunny how do you gauge when you really are just being a stick in the mud it's so hard for me to tell also not the a-hole he went way too far with this yep not the a-hole he's testing the waters and gaslighting her making her question her perception about his actions and intentions this is exactly how abuse starts little jokes here and there designed to desensitize her to the emotional abuse and condition her to think that she's out of line for standing up to him it also meant to slowly tear down her self-esteem it will get worse this is only the beginning opie i hope you run please do not listen to him it's not just a joke he's going to back up and charm you slash love bomb you when he realizes he went too far too soon and you'll think he learned and won't do it again it really was a joke quote unquote he'll just wait until you're more attached and more invested to start again maybe more subtle could even be months later before it starts again abusive men are patient they'll know she'll leave if he takes off the mask before he's properly groomed her and his mask will be the perfect boyfriend so when it goes away she'll wonder what the hell happened and he will brainwash her to blame herself for the change he will tell her it's her fault and she needs to change so the relationship can go back to normal in fact he will reverse everything and insist she changed not him but that's not true the man she fell in love with never existed this is the real hymn he'll reverse victim and abuser throughout the relationship and use your justified anger against you opie he will probably complain about how mean you were being to him tonight and how it unfair it is while writing off your feelings as not acceptable exactly what he's doing now dismissing your distress and making it about him opie the person he showed you tonight is who he actually is don't write it off please i know it might seem like we're exaggerating but that's how he gets you to stay by leaving enough plausible deniability so you always doubt taking those steps away from him trust your guts seriously please and i know what your gut is telling you because you posted here i'm glad you did it's easy to think that you won't be that girl you won't fall for it you'd never put up with abuse those girls just need to leave but you need to understand that's what every woman who ends up emotionally and sometimes physically and financially trapped in an abusive relationship thinks the only women that are safe are the ones that fudging run as soon as the behavior starts and that is exactly where you are choose wisely also the worse he treats you while you continue to stay and forgive the less he will respect you the less he respects you the worse he will treat you once he acts like this like the story you have told there is literally no going back you have to leave nothing good comes next by user jigsaw and roses titled am i the a-hole for refusing to take off my heels around my short male cousin hey reddit i then 15 female went to a family celebration last christmas it got brought up today on a family zoom call because we're all meeting said cousin and aunt on holiday next month and my aunt seriously told me to forget my heels so last christmas we stayed in a hotel and had a meal where we got dressed up i wore a black dress with black high heels i picked the shoes because i like them and they looked cool with my outfits i'm 5'4 by the way and my cousin james then 23 is five foot five slash five foot six with the heels i was a bit taller than him when i came downstairs for food and he saw me in my heels he was immediately sulky especially when he took a family photo in my family they put the cousins in age order and he had to stand next to me as i'm the next youngest one of my female cousins said my heels looked nice and commented on how tall i looked and i replied thanks i really like these shoes the extra few inches really make a difference james then told his mother my auntie that i was making fun of his height my aunt then told my dad to tell me to take the heels off and my dad took me aside and asked me to take off the shoes so i didn't rock the boat i refused saying i'm sorry my shoes are insulting his masculinity also 24 is a bit old to go crying to mummy my dad laughed but told me to change to my dark martins i refused cut to my aunt telling me off and pleading with me to change because james is insecure that he's eight years older than you and you're nearly his height and taller with heels it's enough that his sister is five foot eight i sarcastically apologized for my jeans which she didn't appreciate and told her that he's a bit old for his mum to do his dirty work she told me to respect my elders meaning her and my cousin and i got told off by my grandma for rocking the boats i mean i get respect your elders and that sarcasm isn't always the right answer but seriously how can you be offended by a shoe not to mention that it really irked me that he's 24 and can't even complain to my face and has to get his mother who he knows dislikes me for some reason to tell me off am i the a-hole no this is classic mummy behavior where she's not let him out of the pen let him run around in life for a little while you know he's always just a ball and chain on the mom's side he's like oh god my feelings are hurt mom she's got to fix it for me come on mom you do my dirty work as you know they put in this post there's no excuse for that behavior he's 24. he can deal with his own battles jesus what's wrong with him and that mom for enabling it opie you're not the a-hole women shouldn't have to lower themselves literally in order for all the men around them to feel better about themselves yep you don't have to accommodate lord farquaad's fragile ego i'm so mad at you i just laughed so hard i spat tea everywhere not the a-hole he rocked the boat first what does he expect to do in the real world precisely order every woman he knows to not wear heels in his presence i'm like half a head shorter than my entire family and it's annoying sometimes but it's not their problem i'd like to know what he expects from women who are taller than him without heels crouched down in his presence walk on their knees yeah like i get younger relatives being taller being a blow my sibling was taller than me by middle school lol but you don't get to tell them not to wear heels or something because of it that doesn't constitute making fun of someone's height if op had burst into the room going ah who's a little short cousin how shorts or whatever it would be different but she wasn't at all doing anything to him she was just wearing her own shoes existing posted by user wtf mother-in-law really titled am i the a-hole for scolding my mother-in-law because she said i euthanized my first child in front of my toddler i met my current husband in college we were not really super serious at the time but it was a fun light-hearted relationship in my graduating year i fell pregnant with his baby it obviously was not planned we decided for an abortion life was just about to begin and we didn't want to start off with a baby as neither of us worked at the time we both asked our parents for money not saying for what well somehow his mum still got wind of what the money was for and made a terrible scene about how we can't abort her grandchild how we can go live with them if money is an issue that she'll find a place for the crib etc etc my parents then heard about the situation agreed i should not ruin my life and paid for my abortion i remained with the same guy and later married my mother-in-law never really forgave me for the abortion and throughout the years made passive-aggressive comments about it i generally just ignored them fast forward 12 years i have a four-year-old toddler i was visiting my in-laws and at some point was left alone with my mother-in-law and my son we never became close but were generally courteous my son was doing a puzzle and he finished it in an impressive time i said something along the lines of they grow up so fast somewhat wistfully to which my mother-in-law said something like they do you'd have a teenager by now if you hadn't euthanized your first one i lost it no obviously my son does not understand that word but it's the principle and the way she said it we fully plan to tell our son about contraceptives abortion and even that we had one but when it's age appropriate and a moment my husband and i will choose i hissed other room now she must have seen by my demeanor that i was not kidding around so she followed i closed the door and scolded her the frustration of those last years getting out i told her i will not tolerate this bullcrap anymore that she does not get to talk to me like that and that if she ever mentions this in front of my son again i won't let them go to her house i then grabbed my son and left my mother-in-law has since played the victim to both my husband and father-in-law saying that i was horrible i also really do not know what to do towards my future my father-in-law is a great guy and a great grandpa and my son adores him i also don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his parents but at this point i really don't want to let my son near her am i the a-hole for yelling at her and threatening that she won't see my child again or am i overreacting edits my husband did bring this up with her but is it a loss on how to deal with it too she found out originally because we didn't get our stories straight about money after reading some comments we will likely pursue counselling this is very loaded but i'm so much on op's side that mother-in-law needs to be clapped down she needs to continue to be clapped down it's so insensitive to say that in front of a four-year-old and luckily they won't fully understand the concept but nonetheless they are perceptive they pick up on these things and random things do stick with kids and they figure out what these things mean later in life and they're like put the dots together and they're like oh my god oh my god who do i believe here who do i like and it's just not something you want to expose your kids to that mother-in-law should know better and she chooses not to she's a piece of crap and you know it'd be good to just go no contact with her for a while teach her the lesson that she needs to learn rp is not the a-hole that was an absolutely vile thing for her to say rich of your mother-in-law to say you were the horrible one to her not the a-hole so typical for mother-in-law to play the victim though that said it's really messed up that mother-in-law even knows dear husband must have told her and that was a very stupid and bad thing to do now it's coming back to bite them being honest isn't stupid being a bigot about abortion in 2020 is stupid i'm less bothered by mother-in-law's personal opinion on abortion that i am by her entitlements to the ongoings of op's uterus and what is appropriate to say out loud especially in her grandson's presence those are two lines that she has no business crossing opie is clearly not the a-hole and would not in fact be the one quote-unquote ruining anyone's relationship with her mother-in-law mother-in-law is entirely responsible for her own actions here it is unfortunate but many mother-in-laws feel they are entitled to talk about their daughter or daughter-in-law's uterus my mother-in-law was awful about it bringing it up three times a day until my father-in-law told her to back off as it was obviously making me upset many not all or even most really so think that the only function of a daughter-in-law is to give grandkids it's sick and wrong i'm to the point that the second anyone from my husband's family mentions my uterus in any way i simply say my uterus is not a conversation topic it makes everyone realize how awkward they are and how inappropriate they were being rp not the a-hole at all not the a-hole but where is your husband in this why is mother-in-law only blaming you when it's not like you got yourself pregnant has he been shutting her down when she's made these comments what's his reaction to this in any case you're in no way the a-hole here your mother-in-law is so far of the line she couldn't see it if she turned around with binoculars opie says i know it sounds weird but it's almost always like this in the beginning she was hostile towards us up to the point neither of us really had contact anymore but she sort of quote unquote came around and then was actually helpful around the time of our wedding but since then most comments have been made out of my husband's earshots so it's always a hearsay thing basically in the beginning he has sort of tried to mediate saying she's old with different morals etc later he has been annoyed and he brought it up with her several times that it's not appropriate posted by user mean dad am i titled am i the a-hole for giving my son's college money away somewhat provocative title but here's the full story my wife and i are fortunate that we've done reasonably well in our lives nothing crazy but very comfortable we recognize that we are both very lucky and very privileged we have two sons both good kids one is a couple of years into college and is the one who thinks i'm an a-hole we have paid for our son's college in the us at a private college so serious money we've always been relaxed about college would have been very supportive if he wanted to do a trade or something else but he wanted to go to college and we supported him recently like a lot of college aid students he's become a real idealist and very progressive good for him he is welcome to think whatever he likes where it has become an issue is that when he comes home he started making increasingly snide remarks about how we don't pay enough in taxes he has no idea what we pay or don't pay and that our success is due to privilege and was at the expense of other less fortunate people i don't particularly object to the comments i enjoy debate but he doesn't seem to appreciate the irony that he is benefiting from that privilege and seems content to collect on it while doing little to try and support those he believes needs it this came to a head recently where following some of his comments i said i completely agreed with him and we needed to do more he seemed really pleased until i followed up with saying that to do that we would take 75 percent of his tuition money and instead donate that to a charity providing scholarships to disadvantaged people in order to pay for the rest of his tuition he would need to get loans or pick up extra work and work nights to help fund it he was ticked i tried to be very explicit that this was not to try and punish him or to get him to change his views but that it was hypocritical of him to look down on our privilege while ignoring his own and that he needed to be prepared to also accept a cost for trying to address that inequality he thinks i'm one hundred percent an a-hole my wife thinks i'm maybe fifty percent in a-hole reddit tbd edits hard to respond to everyone but i appreciate the perspectives nothing has been taken yet this was a well you want to help this is what you can do to help what i hope is to have a conversation with him about how he can help and the relative merit of having some kind of debt understanding of the cost of what he wants to do i'd like to work him on what he could give up without really hurting himself in the future work with him on where we could send the remainder work with him on loans budgeting etc one of my concerns is that he doesn't have a high enough level of financial literacy and i would hope to use this to help with that i really want to get it to the point where it's something we both agree with though and he can also see the benefit in edit too so this has proven to be a lot more controversial than expected i appreciate the responses way too hard to try and address any decent number of them looks like my wife was right and i'm about fifty percent an a-hole she'll love that to clear up a couple of things we would co-sign loans likely no more than twenty-five percent of for two years of college i think i mentioned in a comment there's no chance we're going to leave him hanging for 75 percent there is zero chance of him going to a loan shark or having to change colleges or anything even resembling that he'll come out of it less than 50k in debt which will not take him too long to pay off he's wanting to go into the same field i'm in so i'm very familiar with starting pay what sort of progression he could expect etc we are also in no way quote unquote rich i would hate to say middle class because about 80 percent of americans think they're middle class so maybe upper middle class he has boundless opportunities in front of him and this won't have any real impact on that some of the comments about cutting him off are way off base regardless of what happens here he is and will continue to be extraordinarily privileged i also appreciate the comments around the importance of this being a conversation with him and something that ultimately grows both of us i wholeheartedly agree and yeah i've got to agree with that too i think you're a little bit of an a-hole for doing that but it's definitely a lesson that you can teach your kid about giving back and it seems that he wants to be all talk and no action so you've done it in a very aggressive way and i can actually respect that it's not to say that he should think before he speaks on these things it's saying you know you have to understand where you're coming from which is a very privileged place and if you want to talk down on us for not giving enough back then we're going to force you to do it as well in a way that's not particularly harming you but you're going to be put in a similar situation i don't know i i can't talk about it all too much i don't even understand it completely so because of that i'm just going to leave it out there not the a-hole but consider giving him that option he can either donate the money or keep it for college if you haven't already given it away what percentage of your privilege in this regard are you willing to give up to the less fortunate is a hell of a nice way to both make him recognize the joy of having that choice as well as a personal cost to ideals it's all gravy giving someone else a hard time it's another to spend his money that way as someone who had to get his own scholarships and is still paying off loans it sounds like a fun psych experiment agreed as someone who traded the first half of his 20s to the military for free college i would also love to hear his answer and by the way my debt for private school four-year degree is zero trauma from the military 100 welcome to america where the price for an education in basic healthcare is your life hell yeah brother going against the grain here and saying you're the a-hole you are threatening to substantially change your son's circumstances in retaliation for him challenging you you aren't donating 75 of your money you were donating 75 of the money previously allocated for him because you control it what percentage of your total wealth is at 75 percent of his tuition 10 5 less your son is arguing that as a wealthy family you owe something back to your community you are saying okay i'll take a lot from you to give to them you aren't saying okay we can all sacrifice a little to help others if you wanted to make an actual teachable points you should say son your mum and dad are prepared to donate up to x percent of our income this year but we will only do it if you also donate x percent of your tuition this year you'll need to make up the difference then you can all put your money where your words are until the quote-unquote sacrifice is equitable you are just retaliating against him for having a viewpoint that you don't share op says that's a well-articulated argument thank you for sharing i think my perspective which you would likely disagree with is i don't think of the money as ever being allocated to him we have been contributing to help him but he has never had any right to that money likewise my preference would be for my parents to spend their last cent the day they die rather than give me anything they earned it they should enjoy it in terms of saying we should donate x percentage that he can match through his tuition i get what you're saying and it makes sense my view is that it's not up to us to fund the cause he believes in if he believes in them he should fund them i think if he had said how concerned he was about classmates going hungry or people who couldn't access college due to financial constraints that would have been a different conversation we could have agreed on what we both could do to help perhaps that's how i could have framed it as it stands it was more of an amorphous the rich don't pay enough and that there should be more redistribution it felt more like a talking point epic child says i agree with you or the a-hole in addition to points you've brought up being a sophomore in college would make him about 19 to 20 years old he is still coming into his own and figuring out who he is and how he fits into the world he still has a good amount of maturation and development ahead of him putting a person that young at a financial disadvantage right out of the gates isn't helping him or benefiting him the intention there is mean-spirited and absolutely seems like more of a punishment than a teaching experience op replies perhaps it's a nuance but i don't consider it a financial disadvantage rather i consider it less of a financial advantage i had loans my wife had loans both of us spend years paying those off loans for college are not the end of the world and not necessarily an outrageous burden depending on the person what they study etc this won't for one minute [ __ ] him in any way as i said previously the 75 percent was harsh and probably petty what i'll likely do is settle on 25 or something work with him on where the rest of it should go work with him on budgeting that cost applications etc keep in mind the situation with loans when you went to college and now when your son is going to college are wildly different unless you've only gone to college in the last 10 years or so and a lot of people are saying to that that opie is definitely now the a-hole for holding that viewpoint so i guess what do you guys think am i the a-hole for discriminating my grandchildren so my daughter elle got pregnant in her 20s and gave up a child for adoption though my husband and i were upset we fully supported her and thought that she was strong for making a tough decision she's doing well now and is married with kids her husband knows about the child she gave away for adoption a while ago we heard from her daughter s that she gave away our granddaughter contacted us sobbing that her adopted family had given her away as a baby and she was in the foster system with an abusive family she's 12 years old my husband and i agreed that even though elle didn't want her she's still our grandchild and we have the resources to help her we adopted s and she now lives with us we got us a new wardrobe and redid our guest room to be her room we also made a college fund and put about sixty thousand dollars in it basically we treated her how we treated l s is now our daughter by law and in our hearts l was indifferent to us adopting s however l went ballistic when we told her about s college funds we didn't think that l would mind since we paid eighty thousand dollars a year for her college education and s is now our daughter too elle is mad because her other kids don't get a college fund from us even though elle and her husband have already gotten it taken care of but elle says that we are spending more on s and aren't treating the grandkids equally she says that her kids will resent us and l for not being treated like s however s is our daughter now and l's kids are our grandchildren s has no support system besides us and we treat her just like l we don't discriminate among our grandchildren and if l had taken an s she would have been treated like the other kids aka no college funds am i the a-hole edit thank you all for the kind words i'm so happy about all the well-wishes that my s has gotten i've been getting a lot of messages about this but we weren't the first people s contacted s contacted elle first not sure exactly how she got the contact info but i remember it being an open adoption s wanted to know more about her family and elle thought that we were the best people that s could find answers from elle did tell her why she gave s up but told her that it was a hard decision that she made a long time ago and that she's not sure if she would be able to take s again i am not sure if s had her birth father's information or called him she knows about him and the circumstances though this is a pretty easy one obviously opie is not the a-hole in this situation and the daughter is just pulling straws right now she's the one that gave the kid up for adoption and now she's mad that the kid is back in the mother's life and she's providing for her in the same way that she was provided for but is not providing for her own kids that's just stupid logic ropi is not the a-hole and they've made that very clear can i say not the a-hole twice not the a-hole you are a saint it's your money your choice and your daughter i'm honestly astonished at elle's level of entitlement your 12-year-old has had a rough go of it and it's just something short of a miracle that you came into her life and took on this enormous challenge what a superstar congratulations on the adoption and opie says thank you it's not a challenge at all s is remarkably well behaved and a sweet child while her grandpa and i have been crazy during this covered situation she's our rock she also does so well at school and we're hoping to add more in the college fund because we know she's going to achieve great things well it sounds like she's a superstar too what a resilient kid you all really lucked out i'm really glad to hear this make a little time for your other daughter too if elle's actions are out of character my guess is that she's probably dealing with a great deal of guilt right now and not coping well an understanding year could mean a lot to her this exactly she will still see her as her daughter and it will take a while to break out of it she also might be feeling guilty for one giving her away ended falling through adoption is supposed to be a better life and two the fact that her parents are giving her things that she could never it's a cliche on this sub that she probably needs therapy she will be feeling a lot of complex emotions right now and whilst i don't contain her taking it out on op of course she'll be struggling because she has to see her daughter who she gave up and now has to treat her as a sister i think the big thing is probably going to be that her new sister had such a horrific life pregnancy is hard birth is hard postpartum is hard i can't imagine how difficult giving away your baby is but i know that when you do it you justify all that pain by believing that they're going to have a much better life than any of you could provide them turns out that s would have been much better off if she'd stayed with elle that's not elle's fault at all but i'd be very surprised if l isn't blaming herself and then s was rescued by elle's parents and not l again not elle's fault and again probably the best option given that opie has much more in the way of time and resources to dedicate to s but that's gotta add to the guilds l definitely needs some therapy not the a-hole you're treating s the same way as l s is legally your daughter and not your grandchild so she shouldn't be roped in with the grandchildren the grandchildren already have both their parents to take care of them and their grandparents to dote on them meanwhile s seems to have had a terrible life and needs more help than the grandchildren to get up on her feet again maybe your daughter is feeling guilty about not stepping up and using you as a scapegoat for her guilts continue supporting s i'm rooting for her we're all rooting for s i get worried about her sometimes because of what she's been through but she's been remarkable posted by user tiredmom423 titled am i the a-hole for refusing to cook for my teenage kids i am a single mom to my kids jenny and mark 15 and 17 years olds they are good kids and i love them to death but they have both adopted very specific diets it started with mark getting into weightlifting and bodybuilding last year he's on a cut right now and is dieting like crazy he gave me a list of approved foods for his diets and it basically is just chicken broccoli brown rice tuna lentils potatoes there are a couple of more veggies that i'm allowed to cook with but that's basically it so mark was a really chubby kid and i know the bodybuilding was a huge turning point for him so i want to support him i was cooking two meals for the family every night one for him and one for jenny and i it was a bit stressful but i was managing about a month ago jenny told me that she was going vegan this is something she wants to do for ethical and environmental reasons and i support her she gave me a book of vegan recipes to use making a full vegan meal for one kid and a bodybuilding meal for the other takes two hours minimum if you include planning prep cooking and cleaning the ingredients for these diets are pricey so our grocery bills have skyrocketed mark hates spice jenny loves spice jenny hates lentils and broccoli so i can't even try to combine some of their meals both kids hate cooking and refuse to help they make their own breakfast but not lunch so i have to portion their dinners so they can bring leftovers yesterday i was just exhausted and just didn't want to cook i told the kids to order takeout and i went for a nap well i woke up from my nap with two ticked off kids both of them were giving me crap for not cooking mark tramping takeout food is too greasy jenny tramping there weren't any vegan restaurants in our area something inside me broke i just started crying and told them both they were on their own from now on i would buy the groceries but i wasn't cooking another damn meal jenny called me a crap mum and ran off to her room and mark just rolled his eyes at me neither kid is talking to me right now and i just feel like crap i want to support my kids in whatever they do but at the same time i just can't cook anymore my whole life is just work cook sleep am i an a-hole are my kids right am i a crap mum edits i honestly can't believe the amount of comments i'm getting i just logged in after making the post this morning and i am just overwhelmed thank you from the bottom of my heart for the supports i'm sobbing right now with regards to my kids please know that they are really wonderful kids that are going through a rough time and not dealing with it the right way their father hurts them and is still hurting them deeply i'm saving up to afford therapy for them hopefully in a couple of months i can get them into a session i grew up in a household where my mom was superwoman just did it with a smile i wanted to be that for my kids after my ex-husband left us i tried to hold on to it i see now that i just did them a huge disservice i will be strong in this and they will learn to fend for themselves one way or another i am receiving a lot of great advice and i take it to heart i think it's pretty obvious here by that edits that she's not the a-hole i can see why some people might think that but your mom is not going to be there cooking for you forever 15 years old is old enough that you can cook your own meals if you need those specific dietary requirements or just in general maybe he should be cooking for the family one night she should be cooking for the family the other nights and the mom can cook for another family another night she shouldn't have to take on so much pressure and i'm sure everyone shares that sentiments time for the kids to grow up fend for yourselves she'll provide the food you may get like that's fair that's honestly fair opie is not the a-hole you're not a bad mom you're tired and overwhelmed could you take time to work with both jenny and mark on how to cook even teach them to meal prep so they only have to cook one day per week i see you say that they don't like to cook and i get that but at their ages i think it's reasonable to expect them to learn how to cook some things i've tried over the years to get them involved the problem is they just won't do it mark pretends like he doesn't hear me and if i really push it he will leave the house that's a mark problem isn't it he can starve jenny will usually come into the kitchen with me and watch but if i ask her to do anything she'll just leave last time i tried to push her to learn to cook she called me sexist i'm just at a loss she called you sexist she's forgetting you're also a woman and she's making you cook for her i guess she needs to learn how to become a strong independent woman and do things herself every adult should know how to cook clean do laundry do a basic stitch job and check fluids on a car period i've met way too many helpless adults that just can't function i've been teased for knowing how to sew a button back on a garment like bro it doesn't make me less of a man i in fact pity you because you either throw out a perfectly good shirt or have to pay 15 to 20 dollars to have someone else fix it for you yup plus how to mow a lawn take care of a flower bed basic home repairs and troubleshoot common car problems not necessarily fix complicated things but know enough to hire someone to fix them without getting fleeced and in regards to the sewing yup also doesn't make me less of a woman for knowing how to fix the toilets repair damaged furniture fill in small holes in a wall and take care of my own lawn tighten bolts and screws or figure out what's wrong with a car gender stereotypes hurt everyone not the a-hole 15 and 17 are old enough to cook for themselves especially if you're buying the food if your kids can make you lists of approved foods you're allowed to cook then they can look up recipes i agree especially since that 17 year old will possibly go off to college and get an apartment in a few years he needs to learn how to cook i can kind of understand a 15 year old not knowing how but she'll eventually need to learn as well on another note it must be incredibly difficult to cater towards a vegan as well as a bodybuilder at the same time buying those ingredients looking for recipes and making them but if the kids want to go on a special diet what do they think they're going to do when they leave the house call their mum to make the food for them they need to learn to cook it posted by user and on aunt titled am i the a-hole for refusing to change out of my bikini to save my nieces feelings my husband assures me that i'm not the a-hole and i agreed at the time but now i feel a bit guilty because i don't want to upset anyone a child least of all since i've been home more of quarantine i merry condored my closets which means getting rid of all my old bathing suits they all lost elasticity all were worn out except for one and this is relevant later so this past weekend we had a small family gathering at our house because it's hot and we have a pool and quarantine limitations have been lifted in our area a while ago so we finally decided to get together for the first time in three months my husband's parents his brother and wife sister-in-law and their kids niece nine female and nephew six male came over so we're all in the backyard barbecuing and getting ready to swim i change into my swimwear and come outside and start applying sunscreen sister-in-law rushes over to me and pulls me aside and asks that i cover up or change into something less revealing like a one-piece as the niece has been sensitive lately and dealing with some body image issues regarding feeling fats fyi she's not i tell her that regrettably this is the only swimsuit i have anymore due to cleaning up my closets and i plan on swimming as it was sweltering hot but after my sunscreen dries i'd be happy to throw something on over my swimsuits until i'm actually in the water she then asked me if i could just go inside then at least until the sunscreen soaks in and come out covered up i was like um no i'm not gonna hide in my room for 30 plus minutes while we have company over that we haven't seen in three months sister-in-law says it will hurt nice to see me in a two-piece because of my unrealistic body image i tell her there's nothing unrealistic about me because i'm a real person so i don't even know what that means and i'm sure my niece will be fine for only 30 minutes i also said that while i sympathize with body image issues as i've dealt with him in the past myself it's probably not helping just to shelter her from seeing people's bodies and maybe work on body positivity instead she says i don't understand because i don't have kids so i sit in the shade to apply sunscreen and let it soak in and she takes the niece inside for over half an hour before coming back out i don't know if i'm in the wrong here maybe i could have just gone inside for a while to spare my niece's feelings but at the same time i feel like i shouldn't have to hide my body and at my own house for that matter and it was just a two piece it wasn't like really booby or revealing the top was high cut kinda like a sports bra and the bottoms were normal bikini cuts they weren't like a thong bottom or anything i didn't notice that my niece was upset but sister-in-law definitely was maybe niece was just hiding her feelings i don't want to add to her body image issues and i feel kind of bad now reflecting on it in case i made her feel bad am i the a-hole edits well i was not expecting this kind of response thanks for your judgment to everyone i'm replying where i can there's a lot of people dragging sister-in-law in the comments but i will note that she's generally a good person even though she may come off badly in my post i personally don't think it's her fault and suspect social media or peer pressure is the cause of niece feeling bad about her body but that's just my personal speculation i think it's pretty easy one here that opie is not the a-hole and that the sister-in-law definitely needs to work on those issues with opie's niece that doesn't sound like a healthy atmosphere environments wherever you know whatever she's doing at home there it's just not working and taking it out on opie is not the right thing to do that's in fact an a-hole move rp is not the a-hole and they handled it well in my opinion not the a-hole your house your body if someone has a problem with it they're welcome to leave i didn't notice that niece was upset but sister-in-law definitely was maybe niece was just hiding her feelings i have a feeling that niece isn't the one with body image problems that's a possibility i imagined but i didn't want to just assume that's the case both sister and lauren's niece are a tad chubby but i wouldn't call them overweight so the insecurity could lie with either one of them if it is sister-in-law with the problem and not my niece then i'm really disappointed she'd use my niece to cover up her own insecurities i am 100 assuming that your sister-in-law wants her daughter to be skinny i'm honestly not sure if she wanted her to be skinny then wouldn't she want her to see me as a role model or something i think she's just being overprotective or possibly projecting her own insecurities onto her daughter i'm not so sure that my niece is the insecure one but i'm just accepting the information that sister-in-law gave me i don't want to just assume she's lying niece does have a very skinny best friend though so it's very possible she is struggling with body image from comparing herself to her friend did your niece appear upset at all no she didn't seem upset from what i could tell everyone learns to hate themselves from watching their parents do it first there's definitely something related here if anyone has body image issues regardless of which one it may be that's an issue with a person's self not the one they have with anyone else you can rightfully place some blame on media and advertising but at the end of the day it's an internal thing that has to be worked on internally edits since this has resonated with a few people i want to say that if you've been struggling with your body image look into the concept of body neutrality practicing body neutral affirmations has been so healing for me and mine added to had i known so many people would see this i would have worded it way more carefully not everyone but many people not the a-hole but i wonder if sister-in-law's actions actually contribute to your niece's problems kids are aware of more going on around them than what the parents give them credit for so niece probably knows her mum is talking about niece's problem which will create or exacerbate the problem posted by user name chaos titled am i the a-hole for naming my child the same name that sister-in-law named hers just weeks earlier my sister-in-law has never liked me she had always tried to one-up me and we were both pregnant at the same time her due date was six days after mine but her girl came early so she gave birth roughly two weeks before me we had already announced our names because mother-in-law wanted to make a blanket with baby's name on it sister-in-law said their name was a secret well turns out they named their daughter the name we chose and announced she thought she had won and i decided it wasn't worth arguing with her i gave birth and we simply went ahead with our name choice it's a generic name like sarah or anna but it was also my mom's name which is why we chose it so technically sister-in-law could have planned for this name all along but i doubt it well she's not happy at all that the two cousins now share a name i told her tough luck and why did she think we'd change our name she just sounds like a basket case opie or not the a-hole what's wrong with this woman that's just unfair on the kid that's so ridiculously unfair on the kid on the kid that first got born and probably on the second because then the family is going to be against them this just sucks all round you know what i love most about this every year watching the middle school drama happen i tell my students over and over again if you don't play you can't lose this this might be my go-to example of that precise philosophy you didn't win you didn't lose you just weren't playing the same game because the game is stupid rock on not the a-hole and it's woke up drowning in comments and me without my snorkel just wanted to address something no this is not the only advice i give my kids and of course it doesn't apply to every situation it's handy at times and helps put things in perspective and that's all i'm a professional y'all don't worry i got this what a brilliant saying i'm definitely going to remember that even though i'm far older than a middle schooler lol honestly it's helped me resolve a whole lot of conflict in my life at work and in my own life i have a feeling i'll be coming back to this advice throughout my life this feels like one of those very very few things you hear and never forget wish i had money to give you all the reddit things but i don't at the moment but i do have these emojis they're very cute not the a-hole you announced your name ahead of time and she didn't bring up anything until she gave birth then expected you to change it really i have two cousins named catherine there are a lot of nicknames it never caused a single problem not the a-hole despite what she says sister-in-law isn't cross because they have the same name she's cross because her nasty little plan didn't work ding ding ding we have a winner if she knew you had already announced it but still kept it a secret and then went through with the name anyways then she's the a-hole also i have a brother named mike uncle named mike and cousin named mike and no one cares the uncle is my mum's brother and the cousin is his kid named after himself my mom claims my brother mike was just because they like the name and not named after the uncle posted by user easykillstreaks titled am i the a-hole for being angry at my family for lying about my birth parents race i'm 23 male and i've known that i was adopted all along for whatever reason i became obsessed with learning more about my birth parents at age 13. i was told all my life that my parents met both of my birth parents before i was officially adopted my mum was white from south africa and my dad was white from italy they specified these two locations to explain why i had tanned skin as i was growing up certain things about my physical makeup made me more curious about my birth parents my hair was kept short as a kid but as a teen i wanted to experiment i grew it out and it grew out curly big curls but still curly this upset my parents so they asked that i not grow it out when i moved away for college i began to let it grow again i met my girlfriend in school she is black american so she also helped me care for it she once braided my hair before i facetimed my parents who lost it on me for wearing it that way throughout my time in school i still searched for my birth mom but would always come up empty my girlfriend hinted that there must have been a mistake with the information even down to the name my parents claimed i had before they adopted me she gifted me a dna kit on my birthday that i didn't get around to until the lockdown hit i didn't think anything would come of it because my parents weren't african so i didn't know if it would work out that way so i sent it out of boredom and got my results weeks later which have changed everything i'm black and middle eastern i have light skin and my curl pattern is so loose that i haven't considered it a sign before i have ancestral ties to iran which can explain a more european facial structure i'm sorry for my wedding i'm still learning i sent my girlfriend to screenshots and she called me right away we were both stunned though she long suspected i tried to believe that my parents were innocently misinformed but my girlfriend kept pointing out the inconsistencies my parents claimed they have met my birth parents therefore they couldn't have mistaken them for whites i confronted my parents who became enraged at me for doing a dna kids i was very angry yelling swearing they robbed me of my identity and hindered my search with their lies my mum told me through tears that my racial background comes with a stigma that i passed so she wanted me to have an easier life fitting in my dad yelled at me that i had to abandon what i just learned i rage broke my phone and left my siblings have been hitting me up on social media reprimanding me for being upset because our parents reasoning is so sound i do pass i did have an easy life i'm not asking to be part of a struggle all of a sudden i just don't think that i should have been lied to and i think their reasoning is bullcrap and racist i'm just supposed to act like 10 years of me searching with the wrong info isn't that big of a deal edits there is no way i can respond to all of you so here are some answers dna kits can be wrong and parents can be white south africans my parents admit that my mum was black my older sister also recalls seeing my mom at some points both verify that she was black yes they could be lying again i have plans to continue to look into my backgrounds you're the a-hole for having a temper and breaking your phone okay that's fair someone was shocked that i could break my phone i threw it i didn't break it with my bare hands i walked out and threw it out of anger and it shattered how did your parents treat your girlfriend they tried to treat her poorly they were okay at first but eventually some comments were made that caused me to put some distance between us my girlfriend was very hurt by their statements so i chose to keep us both away from them claims that i'm race-baiting i don't understand how i'm angry about being lied to and how that lie has made my effort into finding my birth parents completely void whilst also rewriting my heritage you likely didn't pass to other people of color that's my girlfriend's dance as well i am tan enough that going to an all-white school still got me cold slurs whatever issues my parents were trying to shield me from it didn't work maybe this is a lie that i bought into alone the current state of my relationship with my family it's chaos two of my siblings are trying to be supportive i deactivated my facebook and unfollowed some people on instagram i can't entertain the argument that i should forgive my parents and move on i'm not there yet i get that it makes me ungrateful for feeling this way and for those who asked about my hair lol they are big curls my girlfriend says they are 2c 3a my hair texture is not unique to any race group but drastically different from my families for those of you who are pm'ing me slurs and telling me to go back to my craphole country thanks a lot i appreciate your support i appreciate those of you who shared your personal experiences with adoption and race with me for giving me resources books and documentary suggestions for welcoming me into your groups and giving me some kind words i'm overwhelmed by your supports i've written down a lot of those recommendations i'm still reading everything you guys have written as well i appreciate the kind comments about my parents as well i don't hate them i'm just really upset and disappointed in their decisions i don't blame op for their actions some people might think they are an a-hole for throwing the phone i mean we've all had an argument or a tantrum at one point in our life and we've all done stupid things in the heat of the moment that's human humans make mistakes he's not inherently evil or a bad person for doing that so i can't blame op for this i feel like the parents are massively massively in the wrong here for trying to protect them which obviously didn't work so opie you're not the a-hole you have the right to know information about yourself and your backgrounds your parents may have good intentions but they went about it in a really terrible way not only have they lied to you for your whole life they then got ticked at you when you learned the truth a truth you wouldn't have had to go looking for if they hadn't lied even if they were worried about the stigma they should have at least told you and let you choose if you wanted to embrace your background or not them getting mad at you makes it seems like they are more worried about how the stigma of your background reflects on them rather than worrying about just you they were not protecting op by lying they were protecting themselves you hit the racist nail right in the head sorry opie i don't think obi's parents are racist in the sense that they treat people of colour difference but rather racist in the sense that they don't want to be judged for adopting a baby of color or to have him held back by current oppression it is entirely possible they are angry because they are scared that he will lose the advantages he had thinking he was whites to further explain i don't think it'd be fair to say they treat people differently based on race but i think they judge them differently racism is racism but what i'm saying is that they adopted opie and loved opie and are in their own way hurt by this as is op they don't hate opie for being black they didn't want to not adopt him for being black they don't hate black people they view them differently though not enough to hinder their progress but enough that they aren't making any personally and feel that they'd be judged for adopting op both are bad but at least they don't overtly hate people of color and willing to help people of color in their own screwed up whitewashing kind of way still i'm just sad they took that roots poor op man regardless of all of this op is not the a-hole the parents of the a-holes and opie now gets to really dive into a full rich history and learn all new things which is exciting i think you are drastically underplaying the severity of passive racism being silent and complacent is still a horrible form of racism they are 100 complacent with systemic racism they are perfectly happy being a part of the problem being a part of the system that keeps people like opie's birth parents oppressed he has every right to feel extremely personally attacked by the measures that they have taken to keep him ignorant many people would cut their parents off forever for something this serious if they don't pull a complete 180 immediately i don't know how they could ever redeem themselves in his eyes i can barely imagine feeling such deep crippling shame for my adoptive parents i am adopted too by the way would i be the a-hole if i didn't go to my daughter's weddings now two of my daughters are getting married on the same day i know shake my head the older one thought that the younger one did it to be malicious but we have since confirmed that the wedding hole that the younger one wants to get married at only had a limited amount of [ __ ] and that the next available slot is almost a year later unless someone cancels on top of that they're getting married on separate sides of the country my husband and i decided we would each go to one of their weddings but now both of them are upset because my older daughter wants me at her wedding and my younger daughter wants her father to walk her down the aisle okay fine we'll switch nope my younger daughter wants me at her wedding and my older daughter wants her father to walk her down the aisle i'm about ready to throw my hands up i was on a three-way with my daughters this morning giggity and they were biggering so much that i just got fed up and said that i wasn't going to either wedding and hung up i felt bad about it a little later but i honestly think that this is the best solution if they can't be adults and decide this amongst themselves reasonably yeah i don't think you're the a-hole for dipping out of this you can't lose if you're not involved but you also can't win if you're not involved so really there isn't any winning in this situation there is no right answer i would probably just stick to your original plan have one parent go to one wedding and the other go to the other and just deal with the fallout afterwards at least they have a parent at their wedding and they don't have no one opi not the a-hole your daughters are playing a very hurtful game of chicken whichever daughter picked her wedding date second knowing it was the same date and doing so because the venue she wanted was only available on that date made a choice she picked her venue over her relationship with her sister that was the choice get married somewhere else or get married on the same day as your sister and force all mutual family friends to choose she picked and the consequences of that decision should fall on her yeah whoever chose second sounds like younger is a total a-hole they could have chosen another one of the infinite wedding venues available not the a-hole also it's one year wait many people have waited much longer than that for weddings hell i've waited longer than that for a doctor's appointment there is no reason to ruin her sister's wedding like this other than out of spite if nothing else have a courthouse waiting now and the party in a year you're the a-hole youngest daughter is a bigger a-hole but this is not a situation where both daughters are equally to blame and it is not reasonable to throw up your hands and walk away as if they are treating people the same when they are not equally to blame is not being fair one daughter chose a wedding date that had no conflicts the other daughter chose to schedule her wedding on the same day as her sister so she could have the venue she wanted the first daughter wants her parents to attend her wedding as originally planned the second wants her parents to cancel their pre-existing plans to attend her sister's wedding in order to attend hers did you always throw your hands up when the younger sister started conflicts call it a squabble and blame both that could be how this level of entitlement from the youngest daughter came to be oh actually that probably is going to make me change my uh decision to you're the a-hole that's very concise and i like the way they've put it this is exactly what happens with my younger brother and i and exactly how he turned out my mom was always tired of us fighting so instead of ever stepping in and teaching him well you know anything she would go you're both to blame if she wanted anything i was the one causing problems by not 100 giving in rather than him causing problems by demanding things that weren't his or throwing fits when he didn't get his way on my first read of opie i thought not the a-hole but honestly i agree with this all the daughter had the date first the younger one really really couldn't find a different venue that would be suitable for a different date the same year hmm really makes you think you're the a-hole while it's very unfortunate your younger daughter would have to get married on the same day as her sister or a year from now she made a decision that knowingly would force her parents to choose one daughter over the other it doesn't take a genius to figure out if two girls are having their wedding on the same day the parents wouldn't be able to attend one unless your younger daughter is so intellectually disabled she's incapable of understanding that a human being can't be in two places at once she decided to pick that date with the expectation he would not attend her other sister's weddings and attend hers so you're actually wrong your daughter did do it maliciously and she did it knowing her older sister would suffer and not get her parents at the wedding so if you go to the younger daughter's wedding you'll make it very clear that you love your younger daughter more than your older daughter now i'm assuming that since the older daughter's date was already set if she changes the date she would lose all of her deposits now if the younger daughter is willing to pay for the older daughter to have a change of date then everything should be fine and younger daughter can pay for the cost to move the older daughter's wedding your daughter made this decision knowing or at least heavily assuming you would give in to her demands she assumed from previous experience that if she put you between a rock and a hard place that you would choose her over her older sister this situation could have been completely avoided but the younger sister didn't want to think about anyone but herself and you'd be the a-hole if you didn't attend either weddings too because you would only be punishing the older sister posted by user am i the a-hole stupid cousin titled am i the a-hole for still holding my cousin's mistake against him back in february i needed to have my wisdom teeth removed i knew i wouldn't like being awake during the surgery so i decided to get general anesthesia my cousin joe wasn't working then and didn't have much going on so i asked him if he could bring me to the appointment wait there while i had the surgery and take me home and keep an eye on me until the anesthesia fully wore off he was fine with it and i made it pretty clear that i'd be acting like a blacked out drunk person so he'd have to be responsible for me joe took me to the surgery but when i got out he was gone the doctors called him but he didn't pick up i was very out of it at the time so i stayed longer to rest and was eventually able to call a friend to pick me up after i felt better i asked joe where the hell he was and it turned out he decided to go get coffee and figured he'd just hang out at the coffee shop because it was more comfortable he didn't tell the receptionist that he was leaving he had expected me to call him and tell him i was done he ignored the calls from the doctor because he didn't recognize the number and thought it was spam eventually he went back to the doctor to check on me and they told him i had left so he figured i was fine and saw no reason to find out if i was actually safe since then i've been pretty cold to joe i'm upset at how stupid he was and how he thinks of it as a simple misunderstanding and doesn't accept that it was his fault my family aside from my parents thinks i should forgive joe my aunt joe's mom said that i'm an adult and should have gotten a local anesthesia and shouldn't be relying on joe am i the a-hole for still being mad at him no joe's dumb this is entirely on joe he sounds like he's just deflecting blame because he was being lazy i would know because i've been lazy like this in situations myself so joe has absolutely no excuse there is absolutely nothing wrong with still holding this against him the mum is enabling him so hard and he really needs to learn this lesson that he shouldn't just abandon you like that and then assume you're okay like how old are you buddy are you 15 years old are you 12 are you dumb joe opie not the a-hole but also did he ever apologize or acknowledge that he ever screwed up no he acted like it was just a misunderstanding and it wasn't really his fault he's never had general anesthesia before and thought i was exaggerating at how helpless i'd be and assumed i'd be able to let him know that i was ready to leave in my opinion you can't forgive someone who isn't sorry you absolutely can forgive someone who isn't sorry so that it stops eating at you however forgiving someone and giving them that responsibility or trust again isn't necessary for forgiveness to occur you know this is a good point thank you i guess i see or rather feel a difference between accepting that someone can't be trusted and gradually not resenting them for it and forgiveness which is giving them a chance at regaining trust my grandmother once told me that forgiveness is for the person who was hurt not for the person who did the hurting you let it go so that it doesn't consume you choose apathy if you have to but that doesn't mean that you're friends again not the a-hole but joe is an a-hole and your aunt is a gigantic a-hole for commenting about how you're an adult and shouldn't be relying on joe what a horrid woman you were heavily medicated after having a medical procedure what did she expect you to do she's the biggest a-hole here she meant that i could have avoided all of this by getting local anesthesia she believes that i wimped out by deciding to be unconscious instead i had local anesthesia getting my wisdom teeth out i got my bottom ones out then my top ones a few years later with a different surgeon both times they wrote me a script for valium to take before heading to the appointment i didn't ask for it and they doped me up in laughing gas when i got there i think it's pretty standard so even if you stay awake they still give you enough drugs to the point where you shouldn't drive yourself exactly this was my experience as well i had local but with the valium and everything they gave me for the surgery i was in no position to drive that's fairly standard and op replies i didn't know that i didn't look into getting a local anesthetic because i knew i would be more comfortable going completely under i'll mention it to her if she brings it up again god going under is just such a trip it's just time just passes so fast you just wake up groggy and you're like oh my god what happened posted by user kinky a-hole throw titled am i the a-hole for not wanting my flat to be kink-friendly and potentially getting my flatmates evicted so i'm 20 male and have just moved in with three people at uni sarah joey and michelle fake names obviously sarah and joey are dating and part of a fairly sizable fetish community locally and they go to a lot of gatherings and generally fairly openly kinky grant you do you go nuts we moved in together for the upcoming year and all was going pretty well until two days ago when i came home and michelle immediately pulled me into her room to explain that joey and sarah had put up a ton of lgbt and fetish-related flags all over the living room side notes t.i.l about fetish pride flags there are a lot of them they are only those little hand-sized flags but they're in a big chain thing across one wall of the living room then there's some quote-unquote art it's just close-up pictures of genitals that i am 100 certain include the two of them and the other people from their little club then there's a shelf that used to have a couple of tiny cacti on it that now has a leather mask writing crop and condom ball i don't think it's unreasonable to say that we were both obviously beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation we sat joey and sarah down and told them we were uncomfortable and it all had to go they said it was unfair because it was their lifestyle and they wanted people who came over to the flat to know it was a kink-friendly place to be yourself and for any guests or additional partners that might come over and that the living room shouldn't be a place of oppression unless it's consensual i said it absolutely fudging wasn't and the only kink friendly place to be yourself was your private spaces and that the living room wasn't a place for sex when it's shared they feel like they'd made their lifestyle clear before we moved in and that the living room is shared and therefore they can do what they like in it michelle and i explained this situation to the housing company we're living in and asked if we could break the lease and move into a two bed together the manager we spoke to went nuts and screamed at joey and sarah that he wanted them out and was going to contact his lawyer i think he's under the impression that they are going to have loads of people over for sex parties all the time and we can only have a limited number of guests also that it's disgusting some of our mutual friends are furious that we've potentially made them homeless over a few flags and kink things so am i the ahole reddits i'm of the mind that they were absolutely overstepping their bounds here by replacing all the living room furniture there and you know putting that on the other two people that didn't consent to this level of modification to their place also it doesn't sound like they got permission from the homeowner and yeah there's no way that op could be the a-hole for flipping out about that and saying hey yo i don't support this i don't think anyone else is going to support this besides you guys so therefore i don't think you're the a-hole op consent in the kink community is massive you don't get to involve vanillas against their will shared spaces are not for sexy stuff in rented accommodation and they're being gross expecting this you can be friendly and welcoming without kink paraphernalia a condom bowl screw that let them all ride each other in their bedroom not on the shared couch look i could deal with the flags and hell even the condom ball if they were filled with funny ones like those pin boxes at hot topic lol but pictures of genitals and items they've obviously used during sex is too much for me edits i had no idea how many gimmick condoms were out there think i might make the condom ball a reality maybe with a sign saying for looking not using and if i notice some missing i'll add warning all were poked with pins when i traveled to the uk i bought a condom that had the loch ness monster on it it said something along the lines of release the serpent on the outside i still have it somewhere like six years later i'm not going to use it but i'd love to collect all the goofy ones from around the world yeah that's just too god damn far with the pictures though not the a-hole they violated the spirit of their own ethic of informed enthusiastic consent by not consulting with you ahead of time and negotiating an arrangement that made everyone comfortable in your living space you knew what were in advance is utter ass hattery you were clearly vanilla af and can't possibly be expected to know what any given group of kinksters were going to want to do without being clearly informed they were being crap roommates and a bad example of alternative lifestyle followers i mean i'm far from vanilla af and i wouldn't want porn they're sex toys and a tacky condom ball in our shared living room either god can you imagine how awkward that'd be if his parents came over or if he met someone new and wanted to bring them home ah yes welcome to my crib leave your shoes here the bathroom is right there if you need it and feel free to grab a snack or anything right here you'll see a picture of me and my dad when we went to disneyland and right beside it there's an exquisite photo of my roommate stick what you're leaving ah okay don't forget to grab a gift baggie from the condom ball on your way out posted by user sweet carolina titled am i the a-hole for forcing my foster daughter to go to church so my husband 50 male and i 46 female are foster parents usually for teenage girls we currently have three daughters who are 15 14 and 15 s j and b s is our biological daughter and we adopted j when she was 13 and b when she was 15. every sunday my husband and i go to church the kids are invited but aren't required to go we have a cute like downtown area with shops and little food places near the church so usually i'll give the girls around 30 bucks between them to buy themselves breakfast and let them window shop we've recently taken in a fourth girl called h when we asked h if she wanted to go she said no and that she wanted to stay at the house while we're out i told her that it's usually an all-day outing because after church the family usually goes shopping for the next week's food and maybe out to lunch h was labelled as a flight risk but i wanted to show that we trusted her so i let her stay home she was nowhere to be found when we got back and we had to call her caseworker and go find her luckily they found her and brought her back that night the next week i told her that she had to come with the family out because i couldn't trust her not to leave i told her she could stay with the girls and get breakfast coffee and hang out while my husband and i were in church age took the money i'd given the girls and ran away she didn't get very far and was brought back to us again the week after that i told her that since she can't be trusted not to run away or steal she had to come into the service with us she could have her head friends in and listen to music but she had to be sitting next to us our caseworker told us that this was an acceptable consequence because of her past behavior we went and she sat in the service the whole time listening to music on her phone but she wasn't happy about it i explained to her that once we were able to trust her not to try and run away when she wasn't supervised she could stay home or go with the other girls now age is a good girl and is for the most part well-behaved like the other three girls she is in therapy but she just seems to not want to stay with any home that cares about her i was having a conversation with a friend of my husband who also fosters younger kids under 10. i told him about how h had to go to church with us because of her past behavior and how we are hoping that we can work through whatever feelings she has and hopefully stop her from running friend told us that it was wrong to have h come to church with us when she didn't want to go and we should just let her stay home he's never had a child with a history of running so i don't think he understood the situation we ended up getting into an argument about it because we live close to a city where sex trafficking is common i honestly care about h and i don't want anything to happen to her he eventually told me that we were bad foster parents because age kept running away and it must be something that we're doing am i the a-hole for forcing aids to come to church um i can't really talk on this one either since i'm not experienced in the foster care system but i know that they're trying to do their best for the kid and she's obviously young she's rebelling against it i don't think you can completely blame her for that and you can't completely blame opie for their actions this um forced sitting with them in church didn't come out of nowhere this is you know third strike i think it's more than reasonable and it's a slow step to getting them to trust her and getting her to trust them and i think that they're not the a-hole as a result of that and this man is blind i guess i guess he's blind not the a-hole i was so ready to call you a dick but you're not forcing her because you're trying to convert her or anything you're forcing her because of concerns for her safety and well-being totally justified move i just want to let you know that i think it's great that your family's policy on church is invited not required you seem like awesome people thanks i don't want to force religion on my kids if that's not something they want to pursue sometimes they'll come to church but most of the time they go out to breakfast and hang out with each other i too was super ready to call you guys a-holes for this but even the caseworker deemed this acceptable you gave her several chances and didn't immediately go to this as punishment not the a-hole having her with you at church sounded like it had nothing to do with pressuring her towards religion especially since you even explicitly said she could do stuff to not be present or involved i think anyone taking issue with what you decided will be stuck on that point she ran twice and her safety takes priority for the time being i feel you've been very patient and understanding honestly and should be commended for how you're handling the situation from my standpoint meanwhile i feel sad friend isn't understanding the situation and is jumping the gun though plus listening to music and messing around in her phone is probably nearly the same as what she'd be doing if she were at home anyway definitely not the a-hole posted by user throwaway 35269 titled am i the a-hole for getting angry at my mum for suggesting my attire is seductive to my dad as the title suggests i can't believe i'm actually making this post throwaway account obviously i 23 female have always disagreed with my mother 60 female on various things politically but i'm not going to go into detail on them here because i don't think they are very relevant to the discussion at hand she's just a really conservative woman is the background i'm trying to provide here we are not religious anyways today i walked downstairs to make breakfast for both of us in my nightgown just a plain one nothing funky not see-through obviously and shorts my entire chest was covered to the neck nor was i showing shoulders she stared at me for a while and commented that i should not walk down like i'm not wearing anything underneath as my dad 63 male we have an ordinary relationship may see it and get ideas i was shocked and said one i'm wearing nothing revealing not a bikini suit and two it's very disturbing that she would suggest my dad would get incestuous thoughts from looking at his damn daughter she got defensive and backtracked saying it's just not in accordance with her views and men would be men and to which point i had enough and blew up at her saying i couldn't believe she would suggest her husband and daughter would have such thoughts just because i wore something that is as short as my thighs i said if it bothers you so much i'll just go change into long pants and a shirt in this 40 degree celsius summer weather now she's saying that i overreacted and put words in her mouth and thinks that i'm the a-hole my dad is not home yet and i'm honestly too embarrassed to bring this up and hope that she doesn't either am i the a-hole no what is wrong with your mom why is she bringing that up that's ridiculous incredibly ridiculous i would be embarrassed if my mum brought that up to me and i'm sure a lot of people would too that's not a normal thing to say why would your dad have incestuous thoughts why does that mom have that insecurity that's so creepy that mum is the one reflecting and projecting some weird and problematic bloody fantasy going on in her head does she need some medication what is going on here opie you're definitely not the a-hole edits many people are asking me to consider the possibility if my mother was sexually abused in the past perhaps by her own family obviously i wasn't there throughout her childhood so i can never say anything with 100 certainty but she has a very close relationship with her parents even till today she calls them once or twice every week for hours they spoiled her rotten since the minute she was born i grew up with my maternal grandparents until i was six and merely speaking out of my own experience i never had any inappropriate encounters with any men in my family from either side i guess she has just never really had the need grow up because she got spoiled by her father and then by her husband there's a lot of gossip in my extended family that she is the real child of our household because when she gets upset everyone has to do things her way edit two some people ask why i would bother posting a question thinking there's a possibility i'm the a-hole 1. i come from a traditional east asian household where children are expected to be obedient to their parents even into adulthood 2. i was wondering if i overreacted by blowing up and yelling or just made a huge deal out of nothing in general not the a-hole that's super creepy i hope your dad and you have continued to have a normal relationship we always have i've always been closer to my dad than mom and their marriage isn't exactly amicable i get my mother could be insecure etc but i know deep down my dad loves my mom in his own way and that's why he put up with all her crap over the years i understand my mum's struggle but i believe this time she took it way too far thank you for your kind wishes opie please tell your dad if my wife thought these sort of things and expressed them to our daughter i'd want to know so i could deal with it she made a terrible accusation against him and he deserves to know what sort of woman he's married to i don't disagree but i'm guessing she hangs this on all males sexually tempted by their own daughters if not stopped as opposed to being him specifically or she could be jealous of the quote-unquote normal probably loving relationship that he has with his daughter and maybe projecting that jealousy onto them which is way more insidious to be honest so i really hope it's yours not the a-hole creepy mummy needs to get a clue first of all he's your dad second women should not have to change so men can control themselves i agree with both your points especially the second one well said and i've been trying to get this point across to my mum for years with no avail lol ironically my dad gets it the idea goes directly against her conservatives from a different time slash evidence to the contrary be damned blame the female at all costs ideas i've been trying for years to get similar ideas across to my mother slash parents to no avail mine are super religious and these old school ideas are deeply rooted religious communities hence why i've had zero luck hopefully you and your dad will continue to have a great relationship and your mum can get over herself posted by user throwaway 82929 titled am i the a-hole for not wearing a bra around my cousin who's recovering from a porn addiction so i female 18 have gone braless for almost two years now i wear bralettes or sports bras on the occasion but you won't catch me in a padded bra for what it's worth i'm super flat anyways and most of the time people really can't tell the difference on to the story i was invited yesterday to a small barbecue with close family at my grandmother's house it was 98 degrees out and the whole event was outside i have four cousins one of which is male 25 and it's a well-known fact now in our family that he's recovering from a porn addiction he lost his fiance of two years due to it but recently he's been doing better it's obviously not something anyone ever brings up or talks about due to the nature of the subject well i was wearing a strapless top with no bra on and halfway through my aunt had asked me if i could go put something different on or a coat because she was worried i was going to put thoughts into my cousin's head that could sway his progress i was offended and i told her i wouldn't be changing because it's too hot i'm his cousin he shouldn't be looking at me like that anyways and if he can't see a set of shoulders or a tube top that must mean he can't go outside at all they left early and since then i've been getting slammed by all my family for ruining the 4th of july get together and ruining my cousin's progress and life i feel like crap and i'm regretting that i didn't just change so am i the a-hole thanks in advance i agree that porn addiction is a serious thing to be getting over but forcing everyone to cover up and not making him face his demons isn't the right way to help him get over that pawn addiction he's obviously got some coping mechanisms that he needs to get through and he's probably going to therapy we can assume so he is slowly getting better he needs to be you know put out there with everyone else and exposed to these things such as shoulders and strapless tops so that he becomes desensitized once again what this woman is doing to op is stupid and slut-shaming and that's not acceptable in this case op you are definitely not the a-hole and i don't think that you overreacted not the a-hole your body is your body no one else a he should not be looking at his cousin this way b your aunt should not be trying to sexualize you and your cousin c if he had the issue he should have stepped out and away rather than letting his mum make a scene and if he didn't say something and she kicked off does she really have that little faith about her son that he would sexualize his cousin that way adding to see if the mother didn't talk to him before talking to op i bet he was pretty damn embarrassed oh sorry my mum has such little faith in me that she feels it necessary to announce to my family that i probably want to bang my cousin because her shoulders are showing my son is definitely going to be masturbating later and it's all your fault oh that went kinky fast and as little moy says it is not a woman's job to keep a man's mind away from his dirty thoughts i like jesus's take on this if you can't stop ogling women then why not cut out your eyes to prevent yourself from sinning and if you're worried that your right hand might sin by assaulting a woman then that problem is easily fixed by cutting off your hands no hand no assaults it is entirely within your power to prevent yourself from sinning stab out your own eyes if you can't handle the temptation that you see for you're the thirsty one so saith the lord can i get an amen in the comments addiction is serious but at the same time you have a point with this if he can't see a set of shoulders or a tube top that must mean he can't go outside at all alcoholics have to stay away from bars and liquor stores it's a daily struggle to avoid temptation we all have to do our part to help them but i think your family was being too demanding and crappy to you about it i've been getting slammed by all my family for ruining the 4th of july get-together and ruining my cousin's progress and life you didn't ruin his life his addiction issues ruined it maybe seeing your attire could have triggered a relapse but gross he's your cousin but that's part of the struggle with addiction we can all try to tailor our behavior to suit them but you're still entitled to dress comfortably a tube or strapless top isn't overly obscene in my opinion had they abstained from shaming you i would have said no a-holes here but they went overboard with it not the a-hole am i the a-hole for laughing at my son's divorce i have two adult children who are immensely loved but i've always believed that the marriage comes first i love my husband more than anyone in the world and i made sure to prioritize our marriage and not be one of those moms my oldest son is 25 and just filed for divorce after four years of marriage i really disliked my daughter-in-law for some personal reasons but also i didn't like the way she treated my son they have a beautiful three-year-old son but she has began to completely ignore my son when my grandson was born she prided herself on being a working mom but couldn't juggle all three and my poor son was neglected typically i would have more sympathy but she made a lot of derogatory comments about my parenting and marriage she said she doesn't know how my husband and i could travel without the kids when they were young which is only one or two weeks a year and they were with their grandmother she was insulting about the fact i baby my husband and he's a man-child and then she embarrassed me at her bridal shower when she asked me for a piece of marriage advice and then told me it was bad advice and i'm just too old-fashioned well obviously this didn't all work out too well for her i was ecstatic when my son told me that they were divorcing she also used her son as a porn and was always giving me conditions and acting like she was doing me a favor i'm kind of enjoying the fact she wanted me to have limited time with the kid and now i have him for a week at a time my son is living with us but i've tried very hard to bite my tongue she came over the other day to pick up her son and my son had left he always leaves and makes me deal with her but that's a separate issue she started talking about how weird it feels that they are divorcing and that she can't believe it's real and i very nicely asked her if she still thinks my advice was bad advice she burst into tears and left and now i feel like an a-hole she texted my son that i'm a [ __ ] and he should be mad at me for laughing at his divorce wow um that's really mean she actually did just laugh at their divorce and laughed at her for not taking her advice or calling it bad advice that's a very terrible thing to do as a mother i really don't have any sympathy for her in this case op you are definitely the a-hole my poor son was neglected give me a break is this code for he cheated four years of marriage and he's calling it quits because she's more focused on the kid than on him is ridiculous oh and treating your soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law and mother of your grandchild poorly is in bad form you should be the bigger person and try to at least pretend to be supportive on all sides you're the a-hole in the biggest way here wouldn't be surprised if opi was one of the major causes of the divorce considering she laughed at the news of the divorce i wouldn't be surprised if she was antagonistic towards the daughter-in-law when daughter-in-law and her son were married i wouldn't be surprised either my mother-in-law once said something about me dressing sloppy when i was at home i was a stay-at-home mom for well over 10 years and didn't leave the house often she was trying to say that my husband's interest in me directly correlated to my appearance which i thought was bullcrap it showed me the kind of person she is and what her priorities are in a marriage we don't see eye to eye but she seemed to have a modicum of respect now that i work outside the home although my choice of job and its resultant salary seemed to be another sticking point lol i'm trying to think of a time when this has ever been true in my marriage like where i was so hideous or gross or unkempt that my husband would have just been like no but thanks anyway really i've been thinking about it for 10 minutes and i'm still drawing a blank i gained 100 pounds in a year and to my husband a titty is a titty and he loves me for me not because i have a side relationship with burritos you're the a-hole being a jerk to your son's co-parent is an awful idea and making fun of someone who is crying about her marriage ending to her face is cold even if you do hate her i think it's icky to rejoice in anyone's pain karma is a thing i thought the crying started after the conversation so she still looked this hurting person in the face and purposely added insults to injury yeah but clarification still matters saying something rude to someone versus seeing it while they're crying takes two very different kinds of people both can be considered a-holes but one is leagues above the other in terms of empathy even i mean yes you're the a-hole you're obviously the a-hole here the question is whether you're a justified a-hole which you appear to think you are there is way too much one-sided info here for me to say everyone sucks here but being gleeful about your son's divorce is enough for me to render this verdict it really doesn't matter how bad you thought the relationship was it's likely devastating for your son and grandchild and by the way there are many people who don't agree that marriage should come first over the kids the fact that you see that as a moral failing of her versus a difference in philosophy is one of the reasons i'm not sure i can trust your characterization of your ex-daughter-in-law posted by user aqua wkw titled am i the a-hole for not showing up to my daughter's birth because my fiance lied my fiance 29 gave birth yesterday went into labor the day before at around 11 30 pm she confessed to me 21 male about two months ago that she lied about the baby being a boy that it was actually a girl so since then i've hated her on and off for that lie especially because she accused the women in my family of being treated badly when she went into labor i was on a trip and had a meeting with an investor early in the next morning to show them the prototype my team and i have my mother-in-law told me to cancel it but i was so angry that she got my hopes up for a boy and straight up lied about the sex for a good month that i said i wasn't giving up a possible investment when my fiance and i are on bad terms since then i've gotten mean texts from my fiance my fiancee works at a tech company and she said the stress of our fights has made her go part-time way before she had maternity leave she said i ruined my family especially since i was investing my time into a startup app that was still in iteration i.e not making money at the moment am i the a-hole i'm gonna have to go with the air it seems like your angers and your priorities are all over the place and you haven't sorted yourself out kind of seems like you're steering this relationship into deep and troubling waters and i don't think that you're able to get out of it at this point opie i don't see why you hold having a baby boy in such high stead dear lord what is that really is that really the end of the world for you you're the a-hole she shouldn't have lied but obviously she feared if you knew the truth you wouldn't come and you didn't you literally proved her rights she got my hopes up for a boy huh it's the birth of your child and you missed it because you wanted it to be a boy it's your child regardless if not for your wife be there for your kid jesus and newsflash genius it's your fault that it's a girl ropi needs to start wearing a condom because he has no business being a dad agreed especially since he's such a child in his own rights the poor fiance has to take care of two babies she's also financially responsible for two babies because he's not currently working either and he was upset at her for leaving work before the baby was born i'm guessing that was a suggestion from her ob because the stress was affecting the baby and dopey is just glossing over it like a petulant child you're the a-hole because you missed the birth of your child because you're on bad terms with the mother at the moment you will never get to experience that again you're the a-hole for being disappointed that you had a girl and if this is how you react to finding out you're having a girl then your wife is probably right about the way women are treated in your family you're the a-hole for holding onto this anger for months instead of working through it and you're the a-hole for obviously missing the doctor appointments during your wife's pregnancy or you would have found out the sex of your baby when she did to be fair a lot of partners aren't allowed at prenatal appointments right now but he's definitely the a-hole about everything else you know what my friend does when her partner isn't allowed to the appointments they facetime the entire appointment it's not that hard to make an effort i feel like this was an attempt by the fiancee to get opid to make an effort you're the a-hole you don't appear to value a daughter nearly as much as his son it appears that your fiance is concerned that your family treats women badly is well founded i wasn't giving up a possible investment when my fiance and i are on bad terms she confessed to me about two months ago this wasn't just about not being there for your fiance but about being there for the birth of your daughter this doesn't sound like a case of her going into labor early and you missed the birth you were actively boycotting it you had two months to make peace with this but have refused to do so your fiancee shouldn't have lied to you if for no other reason to give you a reason to feel justified for making or pouting about her lying instead of about you being disappointed that you're first i assume child isn't a boy please put your sexist bullcrap aside and be a good father to your daughter i have a young daughter that i love to pieces it breaks my heart that you don't feel the same way about yours posted by user intrepid operation 28 titled am i the a-hole for refusing to contribute to my boyfriend's rent my boyfriend's 25 male and i 22 female have been together for just over a year we have been in a semi-long-distance relationship for most of that time as i moved away from our hometown to the city for college around three months after we got together we still see each other at least three days a week as it's less than a two hours drive a few weeks ago my boyfriend told me he wanted me to move in with him i thought about it for a while and decided that yes i wanted to live with him and that commuting to college would be manageable especially as we have reduced campus hours currently due to covert last night though he mentioned that he was looking forward to being able to put more money towards saving for a house deposit once i had moved in and was covering half the rent i had never expected to have to split his rent my assumption had been that due to the increased cost associated with travel to college along with having to leave a fairly well paid part-time job in the city and also the amount of time i would be spending commuting almost four hours a day twice a week that we wouldn't be splitting the rent equally i would obviously still split bills in things but not the rent as all these costs would end up with me financially disadvantaged by moving he got really angry when he heard this saying that he wasn't just going to have me freeload and that we'd always been a partnership i agreed that we're a partnership but i'm very firm on this i won't be increasing the cost of his rent by moving in so why should i have to cover all the costs of me moving am i the a-hole for refusing to pay rent i think both of you guys suck in this situation for not talking about it and just firing the gun to go ahead and being like hey whoa why have i now stepped in a pile of dog crap this wasn't here before i just closed my eyes when i was walking across this road and i stepped in it what the hell is this you might as well have been telling me that this whole time because this is what it sounds like you guys suck for not communicating more but that's okay we live and learn from this if i was you guys i wouldn't do that move because if you're fighting when you haven't even moved in together yet imagine how much you're going to fight when you are together and that could be the make or break in this relationship so you guys both suck and i hope you figured this out everyone sucks here he should have clarified all of this before you moved in but you also shouldn't be surprised that you have to pay rent if you all can't sort out something basic like this you're gonna have a rough time communicating in the future everyone sucks here sounds like some very important discussions never happens on one hand yeah he should consider your commute costs on the other hand you should know better than to think that you're going to live somewhere rent free people having generally poor communication skills is what makes emma the a-hole what it is it seems odd that she wouldn't ask what it would mean for them to live together or that her boyfriend wouldn't be like okay so half of the total rent is x dollars and utilities are normally x dollars because you know what she probably assumed true but i can't imagine finalizing a decision to have someone move in with me without making sure that they have the means to contribute equally and if they don't then finding another way to make sure it's an equal partnership y'all have more of a communication problem than an a-hole problem you need to talk not to make assumptions though his assumption you'd be splitting rent is reasonable and they cut a section off there i just realized i misread the giving up your job parts you both still suck for your communication but i see your point of view better now everyone sucks here i'm not saying cough up the money i'm saying talk to him a lot of people here are saying you're the a-hole i think we can all agree to disagree both work just as well as each other in this scenario posted by user sof titled am i the a-hole taking away my daughter's car for lying to my fiance i am 36 and i have a 16 year old daughter i have full custody of her because her mum 40 had a mental breakdown and has been in and out of rehab this january i started dating my girlfriend 21 female then quarantine happened and that time apart made me realize that i wanted to spend my life with her so i proposed in may and she's moved in our wedding is in october since then my daughter has been a nightmare she and my younger sister 25 keep calling my fiancee the kid my fiancee decides to invite my daughter out to go shopping she kept trying to set a date but my daughter kept saying she had an extracurricular activity so yesterday day when my daughter once again said she was going to practice her serve i decided to follow her car she ended up pulling up to a diner and i realized she was grabbing lunch with my youngest sister i am furious first at my sister for enabling toxic behavior and second at my daughter for lying to her stepmom i ended up taking her car keys away from her her aunt then calls and says that i had no right to do so i explained that she would not be getting her car back until she makes an attempt to bond with her stepmom am i the a-hole for not condoning lying i just want my fiancee to be accepted into the family unfortunately i know what she did sucked but she has every right to dodge the stepmom as much as you don't want that to be a reality she's allowed to do that if she wants just because it's a dick move to you doesn't mean she's not allowed to do it i think that you're overreacting and way overstepping your boundaries by going in and stalking her and taking the keys off her that's crazy behavior opie you need to take a step back look at how your actions and words are affecting your family and see if these are the right moves to continue taking into the future possibly apologize to your sister and your daughter you're the a-hole here buddy you're engaged to a 21-year-old that you started dating in january she is no one's stepmom and never will be your daughter is 16. she has a responsibility to be civil but that is all your daughter is not obligated to bond with this woman it's a good thing that she has other women in your family that she feels comfortable reaching out to destroying her support system is an awful thing to do this response is so on point not to mention rop doesn't seem to consider his daughter's feelings at any point instead of asking why she doesn't want to go shopping he just takes the car keys away real adult responds from the oldest person in the entire situation right the daughter has actually shown a level of maturity and understanding of social niceties that opie clearly lacks the daughter didn't want to hang out with the 21 year old her dad's been banging for six months and unceremoniously moved into her living space but instead of saying that and making the fiance feel bad she invented an excuse like literally every adult does to gracefully get out of social activities that they don't want to do oh the 21 year old fiancee can share her first drink and their first dance on their wedding night yeah oh my god i knew it was bad but this comment made me realize how bad it actually is also seconding all the people who say a 21 year old is not in a position to be a stepmom to a 16 year old that's only a five year age difference you're the a-hole how did you think your kid was going to react when you got engaged to someone closer to her age than your age until she makes an attempt to bond with her stepmom you're kidding right you can't force any two people to bond you're actually making it less likely you're the a-hole by three i'll add whom he met six months ago and who has moved in with and become engaged to in the time it takes a microwave to heat up a pizza daughter may be in her late teens but she's still young she's dealing with a lot re mom and throwing these changes in such a sudden way doesn't speak of the greatest parenting in the world even if op has a right to have a relationship and look for love you're the a-holo-p posted by user aphrodite peacock titled am i the a-hole for laughing when my bully demands that i apologize for being a bully to his girlfriend i 23 now female used to be bullied by a group of boys back in primary school and nobody did anything to help me because it was my words against theirs they would damage my things pass around funny letters about me make fun of my looks i was fat and short and just things like that my parents weren't much of a help either and were in a way worse but that's another story i went through a drastic change in personality during my secondary school years and became bullies just like those boys i'm not proud of it now but back then it gave me a sense of comfort knowing that i have power over somebody else and a bunch of sisters in crime i went through another change after going to college when i started to have a healthier way of dealing with negative emotions my college friends helped me a lot and i got to move out of my toxic family too it's funny but i happened to meet one of my bullies again as he studied under my stepbrother who moved out years before me we kind of got to know each other again and along with a few other of the students we became friends and the funnier thing is his girlfriend happened to be one of the girls i used to bully here is what happened the guy who used to bully me has been asking me to talk to his girlfriend to apologize and make it up to her past trauma as she has told him about me while i no longer bear any ill feelings towards the person anymore it just struck me in a weird way that my past bully one partially responsible for my bitter childhood actually had the nerve to criticize me for being a bully i laughed well i did laugh in real life but i typed you what mate before blocking him my brother told me that i creeped him out am i the a-hole for context the guy never apologized to me either we recognized each other but got together as friends like we were strangers never talking about the past the girl however never liked me understandably so we barely talked because she's not one of the students so we would have been fine just pretending neither of us existed but the guy had to have us become friends which is why he wants me to apologize to her i find this completely ridiculous though i mean i could apologize but even if i do i doubt she even wants to see my face meanwhile my bully seems to have completely forgotten how he used to act towards me and is being judgmental while i see where you're coming from i think it's best you just stop contacting these two people if you don't want to say you know sorry sorry i was such a bully but hey you need to apologize to me too you really messed me up as a kid so i don't know these people i don't know how likely it is for him to apologize to you and how likely it is for you to actually want to apologize to his girlfriend but yeah unfortunately all of you guys suck here except the girlfriend as much as you want to cover it in excuses and i don't want to do it you know it's ridiculous you're still an a-hole at the end of the day op everyone sucks here his actions towards you regardless of how you feel about them now do not erase your actions towards her she might be dating the guy but she's a separate human being and you admitted to bullying her it is irrelevant whether you've forgiven your bully or just don't care about your interactions with him but you owe this girl an apology i'm surprised she even wants to stay with him if i found out my boyfriend bullied my bully i'd nope out of that mess she might not know unless he outright tells her she might only know that he is friends with her former bully everyone sucks here you perpetuated a circle of violence and cruelty even if he's still a douche you can strive to be better than that everyone sucks here two wrongs don't make a right just because you were bullied doesn't make your actions any less harmful to others i completely understand the irony of the situation but that doesn't change the way you affected the girlfriend's life apologize for what you did and bring up the way your bully made you feel if you've both truly grown and changed this could be a great healing opportunity everyone sucks here you could have said that you'll apologize to him as soon as he apologizes to you he was ridiculous to ask that of you without realizing the hell he put you through so i understand why you responded that way but there were better ways to handle this situation posted by user i hate everyone on this titled am i the a-hole for making my son pay to replace his sister's makeup this isn't dramatic or too serious we're back in lockdown and it's been raining so my kids had no way to run off some energy so they're extra bratty right now my 10 year old son was arguing with his six-year-old sister he wanted the tv volume at 25 she wanted it at 20. i stepped in and put it at 23. they kept arguing and he picked up her makeup palettes just glitter eyeshadow and threw it across the room it broke i made him take five dollars from his savings and pay his sister to replace the broken makeup my son is grumpy because i quote unquote stole his money my husband thinks that i'm being harsh because he's been saving for weeks to buy a new game for his switch and he's almost saved enough he thinks we should just replace it and ground our son from tech for the day but my thoughts are my daughter paid for the makeup with her own money she put a lot of thought into picking it and waited three weeks for delivery my son knows better than to throw things in anger and maybe now that he's been fined he'll think before he acts i'm not making him pay the full price just the amount that my daughter put in i paid the rest am i the a-hole edit just to clarify some things because trying to reply is overwhelming my husband backed my punishment in front of the kids we later had a private conversation where we disagreed my husband doesn't play video games he has as much interest in playing them as he does wearing daughter's makeup my kids are generally very close they bigger but they rarely fight sun has never thrown anything in anger he's a pretty chill kid this was pretty shocking behavior from him but better to nip it in the bud than wait and see if it becomes a trend you know what i agree with that it's a non-violent approach it gives the sun consequences for his action in that one he can't just get away with taking his anger out on his sister like that destroying property who knows what he's going to destroy next if it does become a trend and if it works and it stops his behavior i'd say that we can call it a day and that's a good way about it rp i personally don't think you're an a-hole in this situation given the fact that i'm not a parent and i haven't raised kids or babysat them really before so what would i know i hope you guys have a better opinion than me why does your husband think a new game for his switch is a bigger deal than just glitter eyeshadow the things that boys love and save money for aren't any more serious or important than the things girls love and save money for not the a-hole op replies husband doesn't care about what was broken he thinks the punishment is harsh because i'm making a kid pay he thinks the money the kids earn and save should be off limits what would your husband say if your daughter destroyed the video game that your son paid for would he want her to pay to replace it if your son willfully destroyed it making him pay to replace it seems like a good start to his punishment not the a-hole rp replies nope my husband would take away my daughter's ipad if she did the same it's basically his go-to punishments just take away the tech well i like your approach but if it was a recurring behavior then i would add in the removal of electronics to drive home the points i agree i think it's helpful to teach children that if they break something there's consequences if they break something they need to fix it or replace it where possible it's a good life lesson honestly not the a-hole you were teaching your son a good lesson about accountability you didn't steal his money he stole it from his sister when he broke her property agreed not the a-hole they will never know the value of money if they think any money they earn is off limits it was five bucks it was once and hopefully he won't do it again maybe give him the opportunity to earn the money back extra chores you know etc does this mean that if i'm fined for speeding the police is stealing my money the fine isn't for damaged property it's just a punishment for breaking the law i assume if this kid did something bad but didn't break anything his parents wouldn't have taken any money i hope that answers the question i'm sorry i didn't really understand the analogy you may be joking but fines for minor offenses are a way that cities get a lot of their revenue it is especially common in cities that have large poc populations so yep the police do that and screw them for it can i just add that for any uk folk that think that speeding fines etc pay for the police christmas party in the uk fines like speed fines get paid straight to the central government fund to be distributed in the budgets not to the police's funds not the a-hole you're teaching your son that actions have consequences you're being a good parent to both of your kids am i the a-hole for not including my daughter's boyfriend in my family portraits context every year i'd like to get a portrait taken of my family in the summer and then hang them above my stairs since i love looking at them as i walk up and down the stairs looking at them really is the best part of my day lol i told my kids i have four that even when they're adults i would like them with their kids and spouses to take the photo with me but i have always the rule that boyfriends and girlfriends don't count as family so they can't be in the portrait conflict my daughter page 24 has a five-year-old son with a man who she has been on and off with they have been solidly together for the past two years so i was texting with my family about when we can take the picture and get our families together this spurred paige to ask me she and her son live with me if this year if we could include her boyfriend in the picture because he feels left out since she and their son are in the pictures but he's never been invited i told her no because i don't want non-married partners in it since they're not family this is when she got nasty with me and said that wasn't fair to her and her partner because they don't believe in marriage so he'll always be discluded and that i just have this arbitrary rule because i don't like them this may be where i become the a-hole because at this point i got nasty with her back and said along the lines of i had that rule to prevent her bringing a different guy every year into the photo paige has always been well promiscuous so to speak this caused her to storm off and is now refusing to take the photo at all with her son this really grinds my ears because i let her and her son my grandchild live in my house rent free and she can't even do this one fudging thing for me without ruining it i just want to add that my other kids didn't include their partners into the photo until marriage so it's not just for her am i the a-hole edits i just want to add that while my husband agrees with me my other kids think i should include paige's boyfriend yeah i think everyone sucks here in this one i think she's being a hardship not following the rule that's always been set and you're being a dick about this to her calling your daughter promiscuous and openly admitting to that is kind of a really bad thing to do as a mother it sounds like she's having a hard life and you're not treating her fairly this man's been on and off for five years and they're solid for two years i feel like you should at least give them a chance op everyone sucks here if he were her life partner and they lived together and didn't believe in marriage that would be one thing if they were building a life together on their own i'd say you would be the a-hole married or not they'd be their own family you are the a-hole for shaming your daughter for the number of partners she's had that's her business and is not a reflection of who she is as a person that number isn't indicative of her worth or value he is the father of her child and they've been dating steadily for over two years if it's such a big deal they could do two sets of pictures one with the daughter's partner and one without him but something that tells me that that'll never happen because this wasn't about a picture at all and was just opie attempting to have control over her daughter and daughter's boyfriend is it just me or is opie acting like they're the british royal family kate and megan were not allowed to attend family events until they were engaged it is hilarious i don't think she's shaming her i saw it as opie didn't want their daughter's different partners in her permanent photos she's obviously displaying in her home since it's probably awkward when they break up and new boyfriend and fam or in this case the baby daddy sees the photos of exes not the a-hole so she lives rent-free with you and the kid she doesn't live with the boyfriend who is solidly in their life and who doesn't believe in the institution of marriage i don't have a problem with that part just the whole we're like a married couple except they're not don't spouses life partners generally live together especially when there are children involved i am sure that i'll get down voted because people on this subreddit love to say that blood doesn't make someone family but then also gets up in arms when someone else tries to give an opinion on their own quote unquote family situation i think if it wasn't on and off then it would be more understandable but it doesn't sound like a stable relationship and photoshopping baby daddies out of nice pictures is a pain it's the on and off that has me leaning more towards not the a-hole it doesn't sound like they're rock-solid and they aren't even living with one another daughter and grandson live with op if he were a steady boyfriend for five years or live in boyfriend it would be a different judgment everyone sucks here you didn't have to be nasty and [ __ ] shame your daughter that was so rude of you she however shouldn't throw a fit over a rule your other kids followed she shouldn't want to be treated differently my thing is that opie and her baby daddy are an on and off couple i can see why she's cautious with putting him in the picture posted by user shopping a bull titled am i the a-hole for forcing my girlfriend to take a shower before bed each night i know this isn't the practice for all people or couples but i think it is good hygiene this is even more true during summer when people sweat more and have more body oil in the past when she would spend the night i never said anything but now that we're living together and sharing a bed each night i told her that she can't come home and crawl into bed without taking a shower she has to take a shower unless she is sick or there's a good reason why she has taken this the wrong way and is viewing this as me telling her she is dirty but it's not unique to her i do this myself because i also would be gross if i didn't shower before bed i don't think she's gross at all and i think she actually would feel better and more relaxed if she took a pre-bed shower i do she thinks i'm being too rigid about this but to me this is all common sense and shouldn't be a controversial request am i the a-hole well yeah purely on the fact that you're trying to control her life absolutely this is a pretty ridiculous request to put on someone like that it feels like you're more of a germaphobe than anything and this might be something you need to look into not everyone has the time and patience to have a shower every time they go to bed and it's ridiculous to make that request obviously the way she's reacting should tell you that it's not a normal thing to continually request and berate someone for if they don't do and because of that you're the aholop you have no right to force her to shower at a specific time for some people it's normal to shower every other day with the exception of like sweating and crap who are you to tell her that she needs a good excuse to not follow your rules you aren't her parents you're her partner stop trying to treat her like a child it's a bit controlling i hate showering at night my hair takes forever to dry and i don't like blow dryers so i either take it early enough to dry or go to bed with it wet and either way i do it my hair looks like crap the next day from sleeping on it so i always shower in the morning so my hair looks nice opie you're the a-hole not trying to poop on your parade or anything but it's not recommended you wash your hair every day anyway i put mine up when i shower so it stays dry and wash it when it's needed every four to five days is good for me and i've got greasy hair i just trained my scalp to not produce so much sebum by not washing it as often and ensuring the yuck factor for a couple wash cycles before it's got the memo you can shower without having to wash your hair for me just getting it wet helps it look better otherwise it looks unevenly flat for me getting it wet without washing it makes it look worse but i also refuse to wash my hair every day either i shower every other day-ish or i take a daily bath especially in hot months and clip my ass long hair up so that it doesn't have to touch the water unless it's a hair wash day taking care of long hair is extremely time consuming and requires a lot of product research and pre-bed routine i've worked in kitchens where my hair got extra gross and required more washing than i would prefer that requires a lot of strategy special shampoos conditioners and air drying time some dude telling me how and when to wash my hair would have been immediately dumped i didn't do all of this research into the best way to maintain my last long mane just for some uninformed dude to tell me the best way to handle it the a-hole i would say most people don't shower before bed every night especially if they're showering every day in the morning just because you like to do that doesn't mean you should force your girlfriends to follow that it's not your choice i mean even though i find this over the top by my own hygiene standards it is also their choice whether they want to share a bed with someone who hasn't showered i think the way they expressed it could have been better they shouldn't have told her what she can and can't do they could have said that they couldn't share a bed with her if she hadn't showered and maybe suggested a backup plan like separate beds for the time that she doesn't want to however their partner's issues seem to be with them thinking she is dirty which would be the same regardless of how they had expressed their choice to not want to share a bed with her under those circumstances posted by user throw away 12365 titled am i the a-hole for not comforting my child during an emotional breakdown my wife recently passed away about a month ago we have two kids jacob male 20 and felicia female 18. my daughter is very introverted whilst my son is more extroverted like myself and my wife i didn't have a close bond with my daughter and was a lot closer to my son whilst my wife was closer to my daughter my daughter was more academically driven and spent her time staying at home and studying most nights she's also very independent and deals with things on her own so when her mom passed away i wasn't sure how to handle her and i didn't know if she wanted comfort or she was okay on her own when her mother passed away she didn't show anything openly she became more reserved and didn't speak much my parents came down to offer their condolences and my daughter who doesn't like them very much had to be forced to sit down at the dinner table my mother and father were telling me about some females they think that i should consider dating my daughter said that my wife just died not too long ago and they were already thinking of making me date my dad told me that she wouldn't understand and that she should not butt into a conversation that wasn't about her she said that it was rude and inconsiderate considering that all of us were still grieving the loss of someone significant to all of us my mother then made a comment saying that she didn't cry at the funeral and therefore she wasn't significant enough to her long story short my daughter screamed at her saying that just because she didn't cry it didn't mean she didn't feel any pain then she cried herself to sleep every night and would wait near the front door just waiting for her mum to come back home and realized she wouldn't she looked at me and said that she knows how i see her as some emotionless robots and had only shown jacob comfort she was a sobbing mess and i honestly didn't know how to react she hadn't shown that much emotion in front of people before my son decided to take her out and away from the situation and he texted me saying that i should have intervened and shown her some comfort as that's what she needed i told him that she was very independent and dealt with things by herself and he argued that she was still a teenager and that she had emotions too so am i the a-hole i honestly don't know how to handle this edits i also think people have forgotten that i became a widow that i lost the love of my life i'm also in grieving and i know that i need to look after my children well if you know that you need to look after your children then why aren't you why are you neglecting one your assumption has hurt your daughter just because you're hurting as much if not more than her by your own standards or your own thoughts here doesn't mean that she doesn't need help and you haven't been giving her help you're the a-hole for neglecting her that's terrible parenting and opie you need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you're doing smarty mcbookworm says oh you're the a-hole all right among other things also your daughter is right your parents are rude and inconsiderate and that's saying it lightly why on earth would you invite your parents to dinner with your grieving son and daughter knowing they didn't like your wife and don't like your daughter you're the a-hole for real though i don't think op likes his daughter either him and his parents have a pretty sexist vibe to them i hope her maternal grandparents are around so she has some sort of adult support in her life you're the a-hole holy hell her mom died and your parents are trying to marry you off again mere weeks later but you don't get that your daughter is grieving and outraged just because she doesn't grieve the way you do or expect her to doesn't mean she doesn't grieve she absolutely 100 deserved your understanding and comfort and for the record your parents are awful and so are you for not calling them out of the time look at opie's comments he has been putting his parents before his daughter since she was small he says my parents didn't like my wife or my daughter because she was too outspoken and didn't conform to some of their traditions because my son conforms to traditional things whilst my daughter is more outspoken against it when she was little she had speech issues and had to go to therapy for it my mom said that she was stupid and wouldn't amount to much my daughter told her that she'd prove her wrong my parents think she's too headstrong and not as respectful of our culture like the rest of their grandkids opie is the a-hole yeah he lost his wife and you have to grieve but to just openly let your parents treat your daughter like that and argue they're her elders and deserve respect is a load of you know what amongst several other things opie you are a parent your kid should come before whatever misogynistic views and opinions your parents have about your daughter obviously your wife did right by your son for him to comfort his sister and stick up for her because you obviously won't edits opie it's time for you to grow the hell up of course the boys don't mind conforming to traditions almost all traditions benefit men and would have women be submissive and quiet exactly i wish op would expand on what traditional things are because i wouldn't be surprised if they're misogynistic and backwards i would guess traditional things like men not being expected to do anything around the house because they are providers also needing a maid and nanny they can have sex with because of their male nature hopefully obvious sarcasm posted by user throwaway 57725 titled am i the a-hole for getting angry at my sister because she refused to share a bed with my girlfriend my 28 male parents own a beach house we stayed there for a couple of days to celebrate the fourth of july the house has two bedrooms my parents stayed in one and the other room was for me my girlfriend of one year 32 female my brother 34 male and my little sister 23 female the room has two double beds after dinner i took a walk with my girlfriend when we got back to the room my brother and sister were on one bed he was sleeping and she was playing on her switch i asked her nicely if she could stay on the other bed beside my girlfriend so i could stay beside my brother she said no we grew up in a catholic family this means no sex before marriage and i would rather not sleep on the same bed as my girlfriends to avoid temptation so i was hoping my sister would understand i tried to explain to her but she got progressively more annoyed she was so noisy that she woke up my brother who asked what the problem was i explained it to him but he sided with my sister my brother said that i have two choices one i could suck it up and sleep beside my girlfriend which might lead to something more happening or two i could sleep on the couch i was hurt that they couldn't understand where i was coming from but ended up sleeping on the couch the next day my girlfriend told me that she was sad that it seemed like my sister didn't like her my sister didn't talk to my girlfriend the whole night she only talked to her brother i confronted my sister about this and she told me to f off this made me angry because i was just trying to have a conversation with her i tried telling her she needs to be more respectful and she stormed off now she my brother and even my mum are angry at me am i the a-hole again it's another situation where are you reading the room right op are you seeing people's reactions to you is your dedication to your faith overwhelming your relationships with the rest of your family because that appears to be the case here and i think it's a very unhealthy you know hill to die on here you're the a-hole for continuing to press the issue and not see it from their side and not see that it's just a normal thing to sleep with your girlfriend i don't even know if this is a question if you can trust your girlfriend or yourself to bait off these temptations that you supposedly have but you know whatever floats your bodo p if you want people to cut you out of their lives because you won't stop this madness then so be it and you're the a-hole the two beds were in the same room are you suggesting that the temptation to have sex with your girlfriend is so real that you would have done it in front of your siblings i get removing yourself from temptation but this makes it seem like you completely lack self-control opie if even a user by the name of rock pervert judges your lack of control over sexual urges you know you f'd up hey no kink shaming it's not a kink to lack the self-control to not have sex in front of people who don't consent to being there while you have sex pretty sure they're talking about the rock pervert but i'll let it slide you're the a-hole if you're in your 30s and can't control temptation there's something wrong with you and don't try to bring your religion into this people can control themselves without using religion as an excuse oh my god i didn't clock the ages assumed they were all 16 to 18 years old he is the rest are in their 20s yeah i'm 30 and this whole carried away by hormones thing is a maturity issue i do sex stuff when i want to do sex stuff and i don't when i don't if you can't learn to have better control of your mind and body by that age that's your problem not your siblings and their sleeping arrangements opie i'm religious too so this is real advice that considers the importance of your beliefs at your age you should have more strength of will than it sounds like you do this wet tissue paper everyone else needs to change to accommodate me level of willpower doesn't show moral or spiritual maturity control yourself you're a grown-ass man i am sexually active but i'm not here to judge your principles but if you compromise so easily on those principles in the face of temptation they aren't really your principles and it isn't on others to carry your principles for you when you aren't even willing to sleep on the couch if necessary right i'm religious too and sexually active or would be if i had someone to be sexually active with at the moment lol aha relatable but if you truly can't control yourselves with your siblings in the room you need to take a long look at yourself and your self-control issues if premarital sex is that heinous to you you shouldn't be so easily shaken by sleeping next to your girlfriend again with your siblings in the room maybe i'm projecting but having grown up in a purity culture religion this is what happens when you put all the responsibility on women to keep from tempting you and paint men as pathetic sexual deviants who can't control their dicks posted by user stir am i the a-hole titled am i the a-hole for telling a woman that her husband is probably a porn addict after she told me to move because i was distracting him so i often go to the local park to study and read a book etc there is this apartment complex near the park and people living there have a direct view of the park yesterday i was chilling when this woman who lives in the apartment came up to me she asked me if i could move to another spot i asked her why and she said that i was distracting her husband i was confused and at first didn't even understand what she meant by that she was super vague but clarified that her husband does what men do and that i should go somewhere else so at this point i was pretty disgusted i replied that i wouldn't move and put my headphones on again she got very irritated and said that i should respect other people's wishes and do the right thing then she said that i come to the park too often and that i should consider other people's marriage apparently she discussed this with other women in the apartment and they agreed with her i told her that i don't care about anybody's marriage and that her husband is probably a porn addict if he can't handle the sight of a female stranger in public well that clearly ticked her off because she was seething with anger she said that her husband doesn't watch porn and called me a sick twisted little girl for even suggesting that ah i told her that she was making me really uncomfortable but she was still attacking me over the porn addict's comments she kept repeating that he doesn't watch porn and that he's not interested in me and not to flatter myself afterwards she left but not before telling me that i will face consequences sooner or later i told my friend about it and she thinks i'm an a-hole for accusing the woman's husband of being a porn addict she said that it was very disrespectful and that she understands why the woman got so upset and she added that i shouldn't upset a crazy person since i can't predict what she might do am i the a-hole here edits i wasn't naked i don't think you're an a-hole i think you're standing up for yourself and that woman is very out of line with her comments there is this another case of the guy who's got to learn how to control himself much like this christian man's before us does the wife not trust him what's going on in that relationship why is she acting out so crazily and also opie probably best not to piss off crazy people it is hilarious but if you want to get your ass beat so by some crazy karen probably not always the best idea but i still don't think you're the a-hole for doing that one of these things is not like the others not the a-hole it is absolutely bizarre for her to demand strangers stop using public space either she is completely jealous and possessive or hears trash and acts appallingly to her and has conditioned her to think that it's normal but either way that's not your problem the husband is masturbating to women who were across the street in a public park and the wife is mad at the women who don't even know what's going on am i getting this right i'm really confused why this woman told a complete stranger to please move because her husband is literally sitting at his window and masturbates to her but suggesting he's a porn addict is sick no he would never watch porn how dare you he gets off to strangers in the park like a normal person oh god it's pretty simple it has to be the woman's fault because if it isn't that means her husband is at fault lusting and jerking off at other women and not hiding it from his wife and of course her husband wouldn't do something like that because that would be disgusting so obviously it's the devil and that other woman who are causing him to do it not the a-hole it's not your job to cater to creepy men and their insecure wives also she's actually more offended at the idea that a husband would ever watch porn than the idea that her husband watches strange women in parks enough for it to be a distraction also your friend sucks friend is the third biggest a-hole in the story i don't know friends sounded concerned for her safety the porn comments while well-deserved definitely didn't de-escalate a situation with an obviously unstable person i wouldn't call opie an a-hole because of it but if it were my friend or someone i loved i'd also advise them not to poke the bear i'm also not saying this as if i would have de-escalated the situation myself i'd probably have done something similar but lately i feel like with cases like this or road rage it's more likely in my best interest to just not engage with the crazy it's hard but everything is so charged and violent right now i've got to agree with that it is not the a-hole but here's some advice if it happens again freak out big time what your husband is spying on me is he a stalker how often has this been going on which apartment do you live in i need to know for when i file a police report oh my god i'm so freaked out right now i've never talked i've never been stalked before does he have a history of this does he stare at me every time i come to this park is he dangerous i i better get a restraining order it is he a registered sex offender oh my god i feel so gross right now can i can i get your name and address for my police report and just fake hyperventilate you know more like oh my god oh my god did i do it did i did i play the part right bonus points if you attract everyone's attention and start loudly warning all the women and children in the park this woman's sex-past husband is watching us all not the a-hole hide your kids hide your wife hide your kids hide your wife and hide your sex best husband cause he's staring at everyone in the park posted by user puzzle-headed term 504 titled am i the a-hole for making my daughter listen to me talk to her husband and apologize for raising a cheetah like her my daughter recently moved back in with us after her relationship with her husband ended following his discovery of an affair she was having with a co-worker her husband is a good man and i will be sorry to see him leaving our family he did not deserve this she admits as much but i wanted him to know how sorry i was that things ended this way i have been very hard on my daughter since she moved in as much as she claims to recognize her mistakes i don't believe her she is in shock right now because she got caught and lost both men but she hasn't learned her lesson when i called her husband to apologize i told her she was going to listen to the conversation because she needed to see the damage she had caused by her selfishness i also wanted her to know how disgusted i was with her and how deeply ashamed i am of her and of her being my daughter i told her husband that if given the choice i would rather keep someone like him in our family than my own daughter because of her behavior all of this had the effect i intended but her mother thinks i was unnecessarily harsh with her and may do damage to our relationship you think i told her mother that right now i was considering disowning her unless she showed some remorse and changed quickly she needs tough love right now and consequences in my view i don't think trying to accomplish either of those things makes me an a-hole but does it this is a tricky one i think it really depends on your specific family dynamic that's going on if it was me personally i don't think this is enough to destroy your relationship with a your child like that yes cheating is bad it should be punished she deserves to be punished but i personally don't think it's worthy of completely disowning her unless she shows a little remorse people make mistakes we give them time to get over that and show if they are worthy of coming back into the family structure if they do show the remorse and they want to change the daughter hasn't murdered someone she has not taken another person's life and we're not seeing the daughter's perspective in this we're just seeing one particularly jaded and angry person's perspective so i'm willing to believe that we're just seeing this out of an emotional response and i think that opie is the a-hole for being so tough on their daughter but i do understand where it's coming from you're the a-hole your daughter is an adult you don't get to punish her for how she behaved in her marriage i agree she's an adult and she can do whatever she wants but she's also a cheater and is living in opie's house i think he's an a-hole and is doing everything wrong and i'm sure his relationship with his daughter will be broken forever but i can't stop thinking that she deserved it i have no empathy for a cheetah i don't see it as a father punishing her daughter but instead i see it as consequences from her actions same she deserved it cheetahs get no sympathy from me she would deserve it from her ex who was actually wronged not from her own parents who is in no way morally wronged by the situation cheetah or not that's opi's kid not their partner they are not the one who dolls out punishments if they have to be involved then a parent should be teaching this behavior right here teaches nothing and planning to disown their child over them cheating opie is definitely the a-hole and how about someone throw it in their face that maybe their parenting needed to be better to prevent this behavior in the first place you don't get to have it two ways either daughter is responsible for their own behavior in which opie has no right to be punishing for it or if op needs to parent the situation as a lesson then they have to own up that obviously any previous parenting on this failed no dude is disgusted by this person who he thought was his daughter and has every right to be her behavior was reprehensible plenty of kids cut off their parents for cheating on their other parents i honestly don't see a difference in this scenario no there is a huge difference here a parent cheating on the other affects the kids directly that's the main difference which if you actually read the post wouldn't be hard to grasp your parent is not affected in any way beyond their opinion of it when you cheat on your spouse but when a parent cheats their kid's entire world is affected they have to see the two people who brought them into the world at their ugliest most painful moments and their world is literally torn apart with divorce visitation schedules depending on age they may have to walk into a courtroom to have a lawyer make them tell which parent they want to live with and both parents will obviously be trying to have the child see them in a better lights and make them see the other one in a worse one there is tons of studies on how divorce and infidelity harms the kids of those relationships parents face no repercussion beyond maybe their child asks to stay with them and they have to have their own feelings slash opinions about the situation op could have just said no we can't let you stay here because i don't approve of this behavior instead opie said yes move in and allow me to just pile on the shame and harassment as though you murdered my dog instead of just made a mistake in your own relationship cheating resulting in a divorce and a breakdown of the family not just the immediate family we don't live in a bubble what you do affects people around you not just your immediate family everyone sucks here her for cheating and you for trying to control and discipline an adult's child in the hope that she learned her lesson it's all fine trying to mend everything and let her ex-husband know that you love him and consider him a part of the family still etc etc but to call him and make your daughter listen reeks of forced control and manipulation you can support your ex-son-in-law and also not support your daughter without any skin off my judging back but the way you did it is really really gross i honestly have no sympathy for cheaters because i have no clue what can possibly go through their minds to justify those actions but gross does describe what opie did he could have said all that i'd rather he be in my family than you directly to his daughter and i still wouldn't think he's an a-hole if he's trying to disown her but say it in a call to the ex and have her listen to it is a little gross yeah it did the job but at least keep some on assholeness for yourself everyone sucks here but at least it worked out i guess not the a-hole this site wants the entire world to permanently be some kind of non-judgmental preschool where people are allowed to make mistakes no matter how old they are additionally you continually see advice where it's okay to cut off abusive siblings or parents or cheating partners people get congratulations for it but a parent is supposed to be some type of mix between buddha santa and jesus you're never supposed to be disapproving angry or disgusted with a kid no matter what they do and just suck it up what you did was harsh no doubt but what she did is beyond wrong good luck this is a straw man fallacy the point is that it wasn't his call to do that he can be mad at his daughter for screwing up and tell her nobody is against it what he did was to punish her and humiliate her that was both unnecessary and cruel she's an adult responsible for her own actions she doesn't need other adults to punish her for actions whose consequences she's already suffered i suspect some big sexism behind this odd paternalism i doubt he'd do that with a son these kind of posts are why i put that thing like it's different for everyone because everyone's different and it's hard because we've gotten all three we've got not the a-hole everyone sucks here and you're the a-hole and they all make really good points and i don't really know which one to side with i'm still feeling you're the a-hole at the end of the day all right i think that's where we're going to leave today's episode guys i really do hope you enjoyed the content today if you guys loved watching it as much as i loved making it i would love for you to subscribe to the channel already if you haven't tell me what you thought of it down in the comments below maybe like the video who knows i'd also like to take this time to thank my awesome patreon and channel members without you guys you know i don't know what i'd do i'd probably be homeless on the streets of ireland crying irish dancing all over town it would just be a mess but no for real you guys are up on the screen now thank each and every one of you guys and if you personally want to join the club yourself there are links down in the description below there's also the join button next to the subscribe button small monthly fee but hey it goes a long way to help me create more awesome content with that said guys i hope you do have a lovely day night sleep evening day at work day at school whatever you're up to i hope you keep awesome today you're looking amazing and i will see you in the next video bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 33,461

Rating: 4.8956199 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: QtQ5ebFSWq0

Length: 168min 32sec (10112 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 13 2020