r/AmiTheA**Hole AITA STORIES EP 5 | r/AmiTheA**Hole Top Posts of All Time

g'day there guys the only thing i'm growing this spring is older and more irritable and on that notes it's marky welcome back to another episode of r slash am i the a-hole if you enjoyed today's content tell me what you think about it down below sit back relax and enjoy the show posted by user good 192. titled am i the a-hole for cutting my more successful children out of my will so a little back story i have three children two sons and one daughter of which the sons being the elder 31 and 29 and my daughter being the youngest 23 i'm reaching the point in my life where it's time for me to retire and take it easy for the rest of my entire years on this planet during my prime i got a fairly well paying job and saved almost every penny of it except for money i used to get for my basic necessities and maybe treat myself a little here and there and have managed to save around five hundred thousand dollars my two eldest children are both fairly well off one of which is working as a medical physician and the other owns his own small business my daughter on the other hand has been going to university and collected a fair amount of student loans only partially getting by working as a waitress around two weeks ago i decided to make a will in which i left every penny of my savings my vehicle and my home to my daughter believing that she would make the most use out of it i gathered my children and my wife around the table a short bit later and discussed the contents of the will and immediately felt tension between my two eldest children but i decided to let it go yesterday night my two sons told me they needed to talk to me and asked if they could come over i agreed and shortly after they both showed up they immediately let everything off their shoulders saying they felt like they mean nothing to me because i decided not to leave them anything after my death i tried to explain to them the reasoning behind my decisions but they couldn't care less finally i told them they have no right to tell me how i should leave my possessions after i die and that it was my and only my decision as to what happens to my assets thus causing them both to storm off get in their cars and drive off since then neither of them have called or texted me am i the a-hole i think you've got to judge this situation on what did they do to deserve getting cut out of the will presumptively you can say that all three of them knew they were getting an equal split of the will their entire life and you probably tell them to their face look you guys did better in life than your sister did she's still going to university she hasn't made it there yet and because of that you guys aren't getting anything from my will these two brothers don't seem to have done anything malicious to deserve this they've done everything right they've led successful lives and they're good people and because of that they get cut out of the will that really doesn't seem fair at all and doesn't your wife also get a say in all of this because the assets belong to her as well unless you're not with your wife i guess i guess that would make you an a-hole if you were with the wife and you know you made those decisions over her head and said you're not going to change it because it's my money i do what i want it may belong to you too but you don't get a choice i feel like there's a lot of information getting left out here based on what you've given me i would say that you are the a-hole you're the a-hole not because of how you split your assets and your will they're your assets do what you like although if you pre-decease your wife she can probably change everything anyway but for the drama resentment strife and unrest you're going to cause between your three kids you will be dead so you won't be affected but you will destroy the relationship between your three children split it evenly or give it to cats or give more to your daughter to pay off her student loans but if you give it all to her you'll make sure she never has a good relationship with her brothers dick move i think a good solution would be to give the daughter what she would need to pay off her loans and split the remainder evenly do the others not have student loans like it's ridiculous to even just give one the money to pay off but not the others i mean he said the eldest is an md so i can't imagine all those years of study didn't incur loans that's what i thought like sure he now has money to pay it off in parts but it's still insulting that his sister is now just gonna get a free ride with hers while he works and pays his off dude you're basing this on the present and not the future you planning on dying tomorrow by the time you die your daughter will likely be grown up and as able to care for herself as your sons you also will likely have spent a good deal of that 500k on taking care of yourself during retirement you just made a huge rift you didn't have to your wife would default get your assets anyway and it's usually more likely for husbands to go before wives in any case you're the a-hole for not thinking this would cause drama of course it would why set your daughter up for her brothers to resent her yikes dude updates am i the a-hole for cutting my more successful children out of my will first of all thanks to everyone who shared their opinions in this matter and helped me come to a new decision i am meeting with my lawyer on wednesday to get my will changed with the following changes money saved through my life will now be split four ways one quarter to daughter one quarter to each sun with the remaining one quarter to be donated to an unnamed charity house will now be joint owned by each of my children and my vehicle will go to my nephew who just got his permit i realized my mistake in the creation of my original will and am now trying to fix the issues and apologize to my children for my mistake thanks again to everyone who submitted their opinions in the comments and helping me decide what to do with my assets after my inevitable death no a-holes here it's been changed from you're the a-hole good on you for fixing that mess up quickly and good luck on fixing your relationship with your two sons good he realized his mistake but he still most likely permanently damaged his relationship with his two kids with that screwed up logic it's hard to say but i feel that if he was willing to change his outlook then his sons will be able to forgive and move on at least i hope so i would forgive he listened he made amends and the original plan didn't come from malice but was just misguided he can explain that if he hasn't yet not here to judge but i still want to ask are you expecting to die soon it seems to me you were making decisions for the hopefully far future by looking at how the situation is at this moment in time i mean you wanted to give most of your money to your youngest daughter because she was having a hard time at the moment not considering that when she had reached the age of her older siblings she might be just as well off as the others and now you're talking about leaving a car to a nephew because he just got his license i mean he probably would like a car now but as this is a will if you're not planning to kick the bucket within a few years he'll likely have his own car by then i mean he must be dying soon right it just doesn't make sense that this guy with such a financial safety net is leaving a car to his nephew who just got a license if op isn't dying for like 20 to 30 years like did he fall upwards his whole life and not have to think about these long-term ideas or something that was my post in the original if he's in his mid 60s 500k isn't gonna go a long way lately i've seen a guy on here with a bunch of money and grown kids not wanting to give his childless kids money and then i saw a guy and his wife rip a strip off their son for suggesting they'd be excited to see their grandkid so i'm pretty put off by parents on am i the a-hall right now but this this is some growth this is nice i'm so glad you took the suggestions to hearts posted by user my pastor sucks zero titled am i the a-hole for not telling my boyfriend about my troubled past i'm a 27 year old gay guy my boyfriend is 28 and we've been together for about 10 months i really care about him i adore him and i feel like i want to be with him forever i think he feels the same way about me the only problem being he doesn't know me 100 i know it's a cliche and a crap excuse but i had a very rough childhood and i started doing drugs at 14. by the time i was 19 i was addicted to heroin between 19 and 23 i overdosed three times once on purpose i tried to quit several times and my longest sober period lasted about for two years from 23 to 25. that's when i relapsed once meaning i did heroin just one time and stopped again i'm currently one and a half years sober and i'm feeling much much better i'm in therapy that actually works for me for the first time in my life i take medication and i have my crap together i'm healthy i have a nice job a nice place and a nice boyfriend the reason i haven't told him yet is plain and simple because i'm afraid that he'd leave me my record is frankly horrible 10 years of drug addiction several ods multiple relapses hell i'd leave myself except i really really really think i'm going to stay sober i'm 99.99 certain of it since i stopped using i've had several crap things happen to me my sister died i lost a great job and my dad has been extremely sick and i didn't feel the need to reach for drugs in any of those situations just thinking about drugs makes me feel nauseous now i believe in myself and i don't want to f up my future because of my past now my best friend is a wonderful person that i absolutely love and i'd probably be dead if it wasn't for her i usually respect her opinion and listen to her advice and she's telling me to tell my boyfriend everything in fact she thinks i should have told him as soon as we started getting a bit more serious she's currently very angry with me because i'm putting it off another friend suggested i ask here i don't use reddit much sorry if this is inappropriate for this subreddit because even if my friend is being too emotional she says the people on reddit will tell you the harsh truth so give it to me please to answer the title am i the a-hole for not telling my boyfriend about my troubled past yes i think you're the a-hole for not telling her about your troubled past and not telling him sooner i think you're lying by a mission and i think that the possibility that you could relapse mid-relationship and have this all sprung on him is a dick move because you stated yourself you wouldn't want that to happen to you so why are you potentially putting it on him that's a deal breaker and you know it's a deal breaker and you can't continue to avoid it out of fear because you'll only hurt them more when and if something like this happens if it was something else it might be okay not to have a discussion with him about it right now but not telling him this now and not having told him this sooner is an a-whole move you know it's just one of those things you're the a-hole but like not actually an a-hole because you're making a choice for him trust that he loves you trust your connection the longer it goes the harder it will be i speak from experience there was a past i didn't find out about until after the wedding it was harsh besides it's wonderful to know that you've got this unconditional love and you will be super accountable to stay sober by the way good on you op you broke an addiction many do not and survived some harsh harsh harsh things you're a strong fella and a great example thank you so much that means a lot to me i didn't think of it as making a choice for him but you're right if he loves you it won't matter congrats on your sobriety opiates are a bear from experience but considering this isn't even your longest stretch of sobriety he deserves to know that he is dating an addict i made sure to tell my partners i was in recovery most were accepting and none were addicts or former opiate users in any way thank you that gives me a bit of hope good luck and just remember if he's not up for it for whatever reason that is not a knock on you or him he's allowed a preference and it would give you an opportunity to find someone ready to be there for you you're right i'm just head over heels at the moment so i can't think straight pun intended i am a gay man and tried to off myself for the start of my now relationship due to emergent schizoaffective and honestly that was only the tip of the iceberg i am married to that man and we own a house now it can work out but make sure you do not wait too long and already have good communication i tried to off myself once too honestly when i imagined telling my boyfriend about my past that's one of the things i dread telling him the most thank you i'll definitely listen to everyone's advice and tell him as soon as possible i envy you and your husband and house that would be a dream come true for me maybe a cat too you're the a-hole lying by a mission is still lying you're also only a year and a half sober which isn't a long time you need to tell your boyfriend we all have baggage that we bring into relationships and hiding that from your partner doesn't change anything most of the time it just makes it worse i would be ticked if my serious significant other kept something this large from me no a-holes here you really need to tell him but you also need to highlight that you have changed and that you have made progress in getting yourself healthy and your life on track you are not that same person that you were congratulations on your sobriety and op says thank you so much updates am i the a-hole for not telling my boyfriend about my troubled past in my previous post i asked you if i was an a-hole for not telling my boyfriend of 10 months that i did drugs from the ages of 14 to 25. most of the answers were that i was being an a-hole and that i needed to tell him about my past if i wanted our relationship to go anywhere some of you suggested talking to my therapist and my friend who called me an a-hole in the first place about it and to write down everything in a letter and give it to him so i took a week to write and rewrite and rewrite the letter again and they brought it with me to two sessions with my therapist she gave me some more advice and by the way she didn't know i was seeing someone that seriously otherwise she would have advised me to tell him sooner i rewrote the letter another couple of times and i decided saturday would be the day to do it i also decided to actually read the letter out loud to him instead of having him read it on saturday i almost changed my mind but when he came over he could immediately tell something was the matter because i was jittery as hell so i did it anyway i won't go into extreme detail here but the gist of the letter was that i used to do drugs for ages i relapsed and overdosed several times my mental health issues that i was seeing a therapist for and not my actual diagnosis but symptoms of ptsd i told him what caused the ptsd and how it led me to turning to drugs and finally that i want him to know exactly who i am before committing to me and that i understand if it's too much to handle he started crying and said he was sorry for the things that happened to me and that i did to myself and that he was happy i trusted and loved him enough to share all of it with him he said he does want to stay with me because the person he's known for 10 months has never made him feel anything but happy and loved and that he's prepared to take a chance on me he said a bunch of other things that i can't even remember because i was so distressed and we were both crying a lot but it was all positive and that's it we're still a couple and i don't have any dark secrets anymore and i'm looking forward to being in a loving and honest relationship with an amazing guy i truly feel that i'm luckier than i deserve to be and i'll do my best to make it worthwhile for him i'm still a bit shaky because it could have easily turned out much different plus i've always had low self-esteem but i'll try not to get in my head about it thank you all for telling me to get a fudging grip and deal with this before it was too late you were nicer than people give you credits and especially thank you to everyone who said they were proud of me for being sober and to keep it going you have no idea how much that means to me i'm so glad that your partner is supportive it's good for you to be able to share everything and for him to love you flaws and past and all i wish you good luck in your relationship and for continuing the hard journey of being sober thank you so much you're extremely strong and now you know you have your significant other's support really happy for you i imagine it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders wishing you all the best in your relationship from here on out it feels exactly like that thank you so much awesome this is what happens when two good people get together it is hard to be open about things that you're ashamed of but worth it not to spend so much energy keeping people away from the skeletons in your closets admitting all of this to him was one of the hardest and most stressful things i've ever done but i'm glad that i did it you are so incredibly brave and i'm glad you found someone who appreciates you and sees your worth i'm only a random stranger of the internet but damn i'm so proud of you by the way if you ever feel your self-esteem dropping remember how strong you are to have worked through all that crap so many don't top tip from someone who has been to hell and back and back to hell and back on a different journey when you're ready find a way to give back in some way volunteer blog council etc it's a steam building and the world needs people like you to inspire others good going thank you i got some cognitive behavioral therapy so i learned different ways to keep my self-esteem on an acceptable level or at least not to get in my own head too much i'm keeping on keeping on but i do get an occasional i'm not good enough thoughts still it's nothing that i'd feel tempted to seek comfort in drugs for that's something to think about i would love to foster animals or at least help out at a shelter hopefully someday when i have more time right now i mostly just work or work on myself thanks again posted by user kitty kitty throw titled would i be the a-hole if i broke up with my girlfriend over my cat's mental health i've been with my girlfriend we'll call her molly for about four years lived together for three earlier last year our 17 year old cats lost her battle with cancer i've had cats my whole life and adopted her as a senior before meeting molly molly never had cats before but adored her and started talking about adopting immediately about six months later in december she found a youngish like seven months old feral male who got a nasty but recoverable injury sleeping under a car hood she fell in love immediately and so did i i tried to give her the benefit of my experience and told her that this isn't going to be the same as adopting an adult cat who already has a sweet personality and this kitten will require a lot of patience she said she understood and we started fostered to adopting him as soon as the vet gave us the go-ahead i still love him but he's highlighted every single thing that's been keeping us from getting engaged for one molly refuses to listen to him he growls he hisses at her she started yanking him out of his carrier so often that he's afraid to go in there now she doesn't listen to me when i try to explain what she could do to get him to warm up to her she keeps bringing up examples of people she knows who got a cat to like them this way i work at home and he's a completely different cat when i'm at home and she isn't he plays and sits in the window when it's just me and runs under the bed the second she gets home and only comes out to eat i've suggested to her that we need to start seriously thinking about finding him another home before he gets too old and too scared every single time i bring it up she accuses me of being callous and giving up on him too easily and how she never knew pets was so disposable to me they're not but she's not a good fit for him so at this point i'm beginning to think that his best shot is me breaking up with her and taking this poor cat with me our relationship isn't that solid but i think it might be fixable if it wasn't for this but he's a living being and deserves to be happy too tldr my girlfriend and i adopted a cat and she makes him miserable she thinks it'd be cruel to re-home him so i'm seriously considering breaking up with her and taking him with me would i be the a-hole to her of course because she doesn't see the damage she's doing to this cat so at least to her you'd be the a-hole because she wouldn't understand what you're doing since she can't even understand how to look after a cat properly so the only one you're hurting is her and it doesn't seem to me like this relationship is on the best of terms anyway um you would be the a-hole if you continued to let her abuse this cat though that's for sure i do think that you should break up and take him with you and save this poor damn cat because she obviously doesn't know what she's doing and she's not taking your words of advice seriously so yeah you wouldn't be the a-hole if you did that not the a-hole and i'd say the cat isn't even the issue rather having this cat has highlighted her crappy personality so no you wouldn't be the a-hole for breaking up with her this and i know it's a stretch and a leap but if she can't handle a little feral kitten rejecting her what's she gonna do down the road when it's a baby crying non-stop or wanting cuddles from someone that isn't her this is what i was thinking she's going to resent him if they have kids together because they listen to him and she can't connect with him like he can absolutely this kids go through stages with their parents when they're really young they will want nothing to do with dad or mum for a few weeks or longer and all of the sudden they'll switch even for your average parents it can be tough let alone someone like this not the a-hole hearing though you the wrong parents when i went to comfort my crying three-year-old is something we laugh about because we were both secure people i'd hate to think how molly would take it she wouldn't take it very well and would probably get mad at anyone that gave her advice including him she's not fit to have kids with at all not the a-hole she's the issue not the cat or you she's borderline abusive to that cat yup and if rp wants to have kids this woman is not the right person to have kids with you're the a-hole i know i'm going against the grain here but i've done a decade of fostering rescue and adoptions for cats and i think you're doing this the wrong way i mean break up with her if you want to that's fine whatever but it sounds like she wants to try to fix the problem which is her relationship with the cats and has talked to her animal savvy friends about it while she should be listening to you it kind of seems like she's decided your advice doesn't work and maybe it doesn't seeking other opinions and doing research is how you should approach living with a new animal for the first time even if your partner is an expert you should be seeking outside sources of information and not just relying on them and let's be real you aren't an expert you're just an experienced cat owner while yanking out of a carrier doesn't sound good lots of cats hate carriers your cat probably associates his carrier with pain since he's been in and out of the vet with an injury and sometimes a little gentle not injurious manhandling is how you get a resistant cat into and out of a carrier in the interest of acknowledging that this is a one-sided story i'm not crying animal abuse because a cat is afraid of a carrier although you should check to see if your carrier can be unscrewed on top which is a much easier way to get them out getting them in is still just as tough although there are now zip tops and meshed up carriers for easy access can you clarify more what she does that the cat doesn't like all you really say is that she doesn't listen to you but what does she do that the cat doesn't like cats that don't like you usually vanish and you mostly don't interact with them it sounds like she's willing to be patient and let it take time and to try a variety of things she probably gets frustrated and sad and unlike other posters i definitely think getting texts like look when you're gone he's so much happier is cruel i also can't figure out how long you've had the cats if it's less than six months i'd say that you're jumping the gun honestly this sounds way more like you just aren't into her and demand that she isn't listening to you i get it it's aggravating when you objectively know more than your partner and they don't listen but you seem to be taking all this frustration and anger at her not behaving correctly and focusing it into this laser beam of not getting the cat to like you properly i mean i've tamed up more than a dozen angry babies and a half dozen shy adults and i can't tell you what the proper way to get a cat to like you is all cats are different some need to be ignored others need mandatory petting time some flourish with long distance play and interaction others need food bribes and only food bribes some just take time no matter what what makes you so sure that you're right and her friends are wrong when did you become an expert on taming up semi-feral babies you and your girlfriend should be treating this like a team effort supporting each other and trying to find solutions and you should acknowledge that getting rejected by an animal hurts a little and also bruises the ego a bit instead you seem to be doubling down on knowing the right way and just having a wayward girlfriend break up with her because you don't like her not because your cat doesn't updates would i be the a-hole if i broke up with my girlfriend over my cat's mental health i've got a couple requests for an update and to be honest i could have given an update the night after it happens but i didn't want to post too much if something changed i'm sorry for ducking out of the thread early too i read the first 400 or so comments and wanted to respond and give information to some of the folks asking but i didn't really have the time since she found the thread i tried to obfuscate enough details so that this wouldn't happen but it's a unique situation and it got pretty popular and i think one of her friends clued her in i hope no other new pet parents had to explain this thread to their significant others some of you were asking for specific instances of abuse and to be honest i didn't really think she was abusing him i just thought that the way she was interacting with him might be more suitable for another cat molly did wonderfully with our previous cats but she was a different cat my original plan was to sit down with her and try to have one more honest conversation about our cat's comfort level in this house something needed to be done before he turned into a nervous wreck none of this happened sadly she came home and had it out with me about everything from the cat to some issues with her family and circled back around to our previous cats who she kind of accused me of killing she had end-stage cancer and stopped eating and was having daily seizures the vet encouraged us to put her to sleep i'd rather not go into too much detail here but you guys were right our relationship had a lot of problems and adopting our cats just made them undeniable i know some people accused my post of validation seeking but honestly it's difficult to tell things are bad when you're looking at the situation from the inside even if it was my fault it's obviously time for things to end she moved back in with her parents and the silver lining is that she agreed to let me keep the kitty she's been gone for about two weeks and he's spending a lot more time out and about with me hopefully this continues the funny part is that she's gonna see this post too no one mentioned that she tried to gaslight op even op didn't really address that he wanted to revoke the cat because she wasn't treating it right and she tried to turn that around on him as if he was a bad animal owner so much wrong right there i don't think that's true she was handling that cat differently than he wanted but that's not gaslighting it's the whole accusing him of killing the previous cat thing that's gaslighting also i think it's less that she was handling the cat differently that he wanted and more that she was handling the cat differently than the cat wanted to be handled cats give very clear signals of distress and stress if you know how to read them he was just translating catlish basically also fun fact that situation for a cat can lead to health problems including malnutrition and dehydration because they're too afraid to come out and eat honestly i'm sorry you went through this but it was the right thing she obviously didn't know how to handle animals or respect your ideas i'm glad you put the cat as a priority and i'm sure they'll warm up to you more thanks i do miss her but we haven't had a lot of the good times that i miss i'm looking forward to my future as a crazy cat dad the best kind of dad little f literally started scratching on the couch as i was typing two giant cat trees aren't enough apparently posted by user hostage lulla titled am i the a-hole for not sharing my prize with a mentally handicapped person in a contest every summer my community has a cook-off competition usually about 20 to 30 individuals or couples try to cook xyz and then they can try and win a portion of the entry ticket fees while the rest goes into the community parks it's not summer yet but they decided to do it early this year was pasta sauce i've been going to these for years ever since my wife and i moved here but this is the first time i entered as a competitor it was earlier today one of the other competitors i know her somewhat only in passing is a 15 or 16 year old with asperger's syndrome and autism i don't know much about this competition evidently i'll call her jessica i guess a lot of people got wind of her being a part of the competition that we had news crews here taping her to put on the news we've never had this before as far as i know to make the story short i won the competition and 1 500 there's no second or third place prize it's winner takes all my wife and i were in shock because i like to think of myself as a decent home cook and take pride in my pasta sauce specifically but to win a contest we were tickled pink we celebrated for about 20 minutes when the event organizers came up to us you might be able to guess where this was going but they asked if we'd give our prize to jessica as a gesture of goodwill they said they'd get some publicity since news reporters are here we obviously said no 1 500 is a lot of money so then they'd asked if we'd like to split it 50 50 with jessica likewise we said no i guess some nearby patrons overheard the conversation and chimed in apparently we're a-holes and jerks for not sharing the prize at least after a few moments there might have been 10 other people all clamoring to us about how we're a disgrace to the community etc we had to leave and haven't collected our winnings yet we are meant to tomorrow from the mayor's office i can't even imagine what's going to happen tomorrow are we the a-holes for not splitting our winnings with a disabled child for a cooking competition i'm gonna go with no for this one i can see how they're trying to stir up drama and anger or hatred but do we want to treat people with asperger's and autism differently do we want to make them feel like they need special privileges and that even if they don't win competitions like this we have to give them a split of the prize money because the news wants to see it don't you think that reflects on everyone poorly i don't know i feel like if i was the aspergic and autistic person in this situation i wouldn't want that put on me i feel like that wouldn't be fair either way if they won the competition fair and square that's all good but i'm not sure what kind of story you're trying to put out there by saying you know what she didn't win the competition but the winners did split their prize 50 50 because they felt bad for her that's not nice that's not something i want to see in my local news i don't think you're the a-holes for not splitting your weddings i think you have a mob of angry idiots after you that's my take it might be wrong it might be right who knows it's just an opinion not the a-hole you want it fair and square it's super patronizing to say that she should get a prize despite not winning just because she has aspergers why are they not blaming the judges i think the event organizers and the judges are different people here it sounds like the judges gave op the win fair and square while the event organizers reporters and event goers pressured opie and dopey's wife to give or split the money with the young woman with asd right so why are all those people tramping at op doing so when they should be over in the judge's tent tramping at the judges or is there a second mob over there already and they want to make sure all the tramping bases are covered people will always find a reason to be upset especially when there's serious money involved guarantee most of the whinges were salty that they didn't have fifteen hundred dollars in their pockets also guaranteed they would all have had the same reaction as op if they were the ones being asked to give up the winnings exactly they wouldn't cast the first stone with that cash in their pockets not the a-hole you're all welcome to open your wallets right now and pull a prize together for her i'll wait guys this is always my first thought in this type of why don't you give your prize to x because why a-holes like that are so free to offer other people's money but empty wallets whenever they get cold on it i can think of a few scourges more common or personally aggravating than this attitude of being charitable with other people's money being charitable with other people's money great way to put it the event organizers could give her more money create a door prize for good publicity and put it under marketing and brand managements but they can't take it out of the first prize winning updates am i the a-hole for not sharing my prize with a mentally handicapped person in a contest my wife went yesterday to collect our winnings and they shorted her 500 dollars my wife is of the timid type and didn't want a conflict so she took the reduced winnings and had a few choice words but otherwise didn't contest it they gave the rest to jessica they made up a fake story to her that they made a second place prize on the spots and jessica won it thanks to the generosity of my wife and i this was all bogus we made a post on our community facebook page saying that we had a great time at the competition but didn't appreciate the comments we received or how we were treated i guess jessica's family got wind of this and contacted my wife to meet up earlier today jessica's family gave us the money back and while they were excited at first couldn't take it under false pretenses they found it condescending to give jessica a prize just for having asd it was a joint decision between jessica and her parents we talked a bit and learned jessica only joined because she's writing a cookbook for an asperger's syndrome organization she's apparently an avid cook and has trouble keeping everything consistent every time so it's half for her and half of this organization part of why she went to the competition is to raise awareness of the cookbook itself as well as asd and ass and hopefully win of course we didn't know any of this at all and i guess this is why the organizers wanted good pr my wife asked her if there was anything she could do and she can she's going to help out where she can or if jessica needs assistance things like editing photography etc and i guess everything turned out okay for everyone in the end except my contempt for the competition organizers and pss yes i know mentally handicapped isn't the right verbiage i've learned a lot about asd in the last few days i only kept it to be congruent with the previous post autism and aspergers in particular may not always or ever be a mental handicap i should have said disabled instead judging by a few comments they found it condescending to give jessica a prize just for having asd those are some good as parents right there glad everything turned out okay also whoever organized the competition are the true a-holes here yeah no kidding it is condescending and it didn't sound like they did it for jessica it sounds like they did it for pr which is honestly so gross glad her parents spoke to you they sound like awesome people and since op didn't even know about jessica's project i imagine they could have actually gotten great pr and awareness in one swoop by organizing the event better in the first place i know right seemingly they knew this beforehand and didn't expect the judges to not rule for her they could have just made a small boost prize and promote her writing her book and cover the costs of 10 or so books to give out to participants yeah but that's not inspiration porn enough for them probably and this is precisely why inspiration porn is so upsetting even if it's not this egregiously corrupt people just want to look and feel good they don't truly care about the individual they're speaking for like i said in the original post i have aspergers and pity is super insulting we want people to understand not pity us by definition we aren't stupid we just struggle with some things executive function and sensory overload are common issues but our iqs are either average or above average we know when someone is being condescending good on those parents but seriously the event organizer could not afford 500 extra winnings if they so desperately needed to give her the second place thumbs up to the parent though this was my question too if they wanted to give her something the organizers should have paid for it alone also i think it's kind of crappy that the organizers only wanted to give money to her because she was on the spectrum and they wanted publicity for her winning posted by user sad dad 80 titled am i the a-hole for how i handled my girl's college tuition our family situation is complicated so let me explain my wife and i 39 male female have two 17 year old daughters the first annabelle is our biological daughter the second nichia was adopted when she was four former foster kid we also have our biological son owen 12. sounds like a very irish family so far we aren't rich but we've saved up a bit for annabelle's college nisha is a really talented track and field athlete and she had a full scholarship at a well-known university we figured we could cover one daughter's tuition the other would get a scholarship and we could save up for our son in the next six years or so here's the problem at the very end of the school year nisha was removed from the team she and a few friends got up to some teenage shenanigans not that bad i think the coach overreacted and they were all kicked off as a consequence she lost her scholarship for college i told her that she made her bed and could lie in it and that my wife and i wouldn't be paying her tuition because we are paying for annabelle nisha feels we are being unfair but we simply don't have the money to pay for both girls and it was nisha's choice that created this situation my wife thinks that we should have split the saved money between the girls and tell them to take loans for the rest but this feels like punishing annabelle for her sister's mistake am i the a-hole how do i solve this terrible mess you solve this terrible mess by splitting the money it sucks that nisha made these decisions and choices that got her kicked off the team but she's still your child and you're still obliged to help support her through college i know i've had different stances on different situations but i feel like in this circumstance nisha deserves to continue her run through uh college she's already in there i think it's fair that annabel and nisha both get the opportunity to finish college and both should you know make some sacrifices for each other you know that the punishment to nisha is unjust and unfair and you know seems like the coach had something out for her so i think that it's perfectly reasonable that you would split the money i think the way you're handling it right now makes you the a-hole because it seems like you're not going to do it edits thanks everyone even the people who told me i was the a-hole i called a family meeting for tonight and we are going to tell the girls that we are splitting the money they both got accepted to a university about 20 minutes away so i'm going to suggest that they live with us and commute if we are really careful we might be able to cover tuition completely you're the a-hole there's no way given the information you've provided you could have saved a significant enough amount of money to pay for annabelle's tuition in the time after nisha was given this scholarship which means that you were probably saving for only annabelle all along which makes you the a-hole the money was supposed to be for both until nisha started getting noticed in grade nine she is like olympic hopeful level talented and we knew she'd get scholarship offers from the time she was 15. after that we started planning to pay for one daughter instead of two annabelle is a great young lady but she doesn't have a super high gpa or special talents that could net her a scholarship so basically nisha is extraordinary annabelle is average and the former is left on her own while the latter gets full financial support from you because of a misstep in her last year are you kidding if the money was originally supposed to be for both then you should use it for both not only that but you said yourself that you don't even believe that what she did to get kicked off the team was even that bad so essentially you'd be punishing her for what for having a crappy coach does that seem fair to you i'm trying to figure out how you have three teenage kids and you haven't been prepping for college or options for them to go to college prior to them becoming teenagers you seriously bet on a scholarship scholarships are not guaranteed no matter how special or talented you think your kid is or they may actually be taking on student loans is no joke if i am ever a parent i will do everything in my power to prevent my kids from being burdened with loans they will absolutely hinder their adulthood by carrying that debt it's unrealistic to think that a fresh 18 year old will be able to score a job right away that can pay for all college expenses you should have kept saving for all your kids and if one gets a scholarship great you have some spare emergency savings if not your child would have been covered and not need to worry about loans you also state the coach is overreacting and i'm assuming that your daughter has already been punished for whatever she did she lost the scholarship and got kicked off the team now she's gonna take on loans too unless your daughter committed some heinous crime that you're downplaying this isn't fair to her i'm not excusing teenage shenanigans outright but damn dude what the hell were you thinking updates on my girls tuition i posted a while back about my issues paying for college for my girls things have been much better and i thought i would update you all after seeing these comments and with nisha's permission i talked to the coach about reinstating her we got it worked out and as long as nisha scrubs coolers and does the other grunt work for the rest of the season he'll let her back he offered the same punishments to some of her friends in exchange for being reinstated so far she is the only one who has agreed and i'm proud of my daughter nisha won't be losing her scholarship after all but we've put aside some of our savings for her anyway she can use it to pay for a wedding eventually or graduate school or buying a house the remainder will cover three years for annabelle and we'll figure out the fourth anyway i thought you all would like to know what happens thanks for giving me the kick in the pants to sort things out with my girls edits thanks to everyone for your well wishes i'm truly proud of my daughters they aren't perfect but they are wonderful young ladies for those asking i did change some details what sport my daughter plays the names etc for privacy i'd still prefer to keep that stuff private that's so great to hear i have a family member who was kicked off the basketball team for having beer in his car on school property and it still hurts him 30 years later that he missed some opportunities while i do agree kids doing stuff they shouldn't need to have consequences kids drinking as long as they're not driving or having a can in their car should not ruin their life or haunt them for 30 years hell i bought a car and a year after found the previous owner's pots i was 17 and parked on school grounds that would have screwed up a lot of crap if that was found i truly had no idea it was there i bought the car from a 70 year old couple one reason they had it was the wife had cancer it's wonderful that you listen to the very good advice that people not me for what it's worth offered on that thread one thing i wanted to ask there are you sure nisha isn't eligible for tuition assistance from the foster care system it may just be my states but my niece is able to attend all state schools tuition-free because she was adopted from the foster system i'm not sure if you looked into that already i just thought it would be a shame to let something like that slip through the cracks because the program may not be available or remembered since you adopted years ago in florida all children who were wards of the states or not living with their parents for a period of time prior to turning 18 are eligible for tuition coverage i just found out that i was eligible and no one cared enough to tell me my life would be entirely different if i had known and been able to take advantage of that program op please see what programs she might be eligible for posted by user one last time one seven one three titles am i the a-hole for telling my step-sister i don't want to be close with her because of the way we treated each other growing up my mum died when i was six and my dad remarried when i was nine the woman he married had a daughter one year younger than me so she was eight at first i loved having a new mom she wasn't the best and will never replace my real mom but i appreciate her trying to be there for me and i'm pretty close with her and my dad at first i loved having a quote unquote sister and we got along great i loved having a playmate during vacations and always having a player too the problems really started to amp up when i was 13 and she was 12. it seemed like no matter what i did went unpunished in her eyes and she had to mock me constantly being a hot-headed 13 year old usually meant i'd retaliate and we would have those long screaming matches till either of our parents told us to knock it off or they would send us to different parts of the house to cool off i also started playing football when i was 11 and my problem was that i was constantly getting injured in eight years 11 to 18 i got seven major sidelined injuries on top of all of that i was kind of chubby about 180 to 210. she used to make fun of me for my injuries and my weights which were very touchy subjects for me her favorite insult was you fat [ __ ] loser or maybe if you lost some weight you wouldn't get injured so often she also loved to embarrass me with my friends wherever by bringing up dumb stuff that i did when i was like 9 or 10. my friends are great people but we tease each other a lot and would usually remember anything embarrassing we did and bring it up later so whatever she said to them would always get back i did talk with her if she could just shut up when i have my friends over and she basically told me to f off and that it's her house too at this point in my life 16 years old i am super ticked at how crappy she had treated me over the years i know i caused some of it and usually fought back when she got snippy and bratty at me but i rarely started a fight i moved out when i was 18 without ever telling her that i was moving out or saying goodbye the past five years of unpleasantness between us made me happy that i didn't have to see her a year later she moves out and i still resented her for how we treated each other we go almost two years without speaking other than on holidays and that's only really dry stuff nothing big i am now 22 and she's 21 and i got a text the other night asking why we aren't close like we were when we were kids i basically said i don't care to get along with you or get close because of how we treated each other as kids she told me to grow up and not even an hour later i get a call from my dad asking why i have so much hate for my sister for years since we have lived together i told him i'll be cordial and won't cut her out of my life but i don't need or want to be close with her am i the a-hole for not wanting to be close with my step-sister for the way we treated each other growing up and to that i say no what the hell is her problem she kept this going for six years that's six years of constant harassment and bullying and especially to the level that she did go saying you fat [ __ ] loser jesus that's really harsh i've had people slang insults at me before but only for like momentary points of time not six years straight dear god i'm surprised you didn't resort to the normal sibling thing and start throwing a few left right hooks left right good night sister i personally wouldn't be so harsh myself but i definitely know i'd get physical with my sister if she started acting up like that that's for sure obviously i wouldn't do that anymore i'm not that kind of person i've really changed since i was 13 years old i think we can all agree opie you showed considerable restraint throughout your six years of living with her and torment that she was giving you i can give you a huge green card for that one to say that you would not be the a-hole for not wanting to be close with your step-sister for the way she treated you growing up it doesn't seem like she's being sincere in her approach with this and i don't blame you for being wary of her she doesn't look like she's actually done anything to warrant a cordial friendship between you two and to that i say not the a-hole you don't owe people who treat you like crap anything i got a text the other night asking why we aren't close like we were when we were kids why is this such a trend among piece of crap people you two were never close as kids and she's trying to erase how bad she treated you when you were younger it's pathetic i hope you're able to move on with your life and surround yourself with nice people who respect you eh i don't really want to go as far as to say that she was terrible to me because in all honesty we were both terrible to each other her text was so out of the blue though last time she texted me was almost two months ago and then i get a sudden why aren't we close anymore text and it confused me if she wanted to be close small talk would have worked before asking me such a blunt question it's great that you're taking responsibility but it sounds to me like she started these conflicts at least for the most part if she can't reflect on that and get over herself enough to apologize and try to be a different better person then your decision is absolutely justified in my mind oh yeah she def started fights more than me i don't think apologizing even crossed her mind because it was just dumb kid stuff even if she did apologize i still wouldn't want to be close even when we were kids and got along we didn't have a lot in common you definitely have the right to not be close with her but consider that she might have reached an age or maturity level where she realizes things need to change i felt that way when i reached my 20s and realized i wanted to be friends with my sisters but it took some wise advice from my mother it has to start with you before i realized we were stuck in a pattern and if i wanted to break it i'd have to take some crap before they realized i wasn't being a jerk anymore this might be how your sister is feeling minus the amazing motherly advice i guess this is just an fyi honestly i do want a relationship at some point with her but some insults are a bit too fresh and could still hurt i also want to explore life without being bogged down with a friendship i don't want with a person i wouldn't like in due time i would like there to be a close bond between us just not yet totally fair a little space is absolutely okay but remember once and if you do want a better relationship it has to start with you oh i totally get that i don't hate her like at all and i know that she doesn't hate me i just don't want to be friends or close with her yet in my life not the a-hole seems like she treated you awfully all throughout your life and if you don't want to connect with her it's your decision and she can't force you to do so we both treated each other like crap so i don't really blame her for that but i don't feel like i want to be close because of how awkward and weird it would be and i don't want to fight breaking out if we do start hanging out again maybe give it a try if it ends up being awful or conflictual then you stop i may give her a chance but right now i don't really want to be close and just kind of want to live my own life before giving her a shot then tell her that perhaps i think i will tell her through all rbs i don't hate her i just don't like her updates am i the a-hole for telling my step-sister i don't want to be close with her because of the way we treated each other growing up after our text convo that led to my dad calling me asking what's wrong between us i texted her about a meet up at my place this was the first time we actually met in tongue outs outside of a family gathering before she came over that realization gave me a new look in our relationship the whole sit down went well we actually got along and there wasn't any name calling or anything mean we talked about how we treated each other and this was the first time i've ever heard her apologize for how she treated me growing up and i did the same we talked about how the text convo went and i came to the conclusion that i still had the old image of how she was when i last saw her at 17 and was using that to picture her now she still kinda acts the same kinda moody but can hold it in so much better now but it's a lot better we talked it out and spent half the day together just hanging out and i will admit i enjoyed it i don't think we'll be super duper close but it's a step in the right direction and there isn't a wall of tension between us anymore i even invited her and her significant other to my sunday football party and they showed up we didn't talk much but it was nice that she put in some effort to hang out with me thank you all for the advice and comments it really came in handy and i appreciate it and this is why every time someone comes here and says my sibling treated me like crap as a child and wants to rekindle but i don't blah blah blah i feel like shaking them and saying all children a-holes and people can grow lol i'm glad i gave her another chance i don't think we will be best friends or anything even as kids when we did get along we were never best friends it's nice that my parents seem to be happy that we're at least contacting each other at least weekly instead of like once a year don't brush off that you won't be best friends you're still young and as you get older and mature you will realize the value in having a sister by the way the way you guys acted at 15 is pretty normal two hormonal kids of similar age are going to act like that in fact you guys just argued and called each other names at least you didn't fight yeah i've heard from my friends the full-on fist fights they'd get into with their siblings i don't know no matter how mad i got at her i still will never hit a girl no matter what you've not met my sister then and who knows maybe once we both have kids hopefully we will get closer if our kids are close in age and we set up play dates or something am i the only one that after two posts is still not a hundred percent sure if op is a guy or a girl not that it matters but i can't for the life of me spotted anywhere and it bugs me thanks for the update op always like reading those lol i'm a guy i thought it was a girl with it being screaming matches with his sister and doll no offense opie i argue with my little sister too but she's an entitled 14 year old brat so there's that lol by screaming matches it was more of her screaming and me telling her to shut up or insulting her i would never hit her so all of our fights were verbal i think she may have slapped me a few times though bit of a story here in this comment but it's a good one op replies as well my big bro and i were kind of pieces of crap to each other growing up like pretty much always name-calling screaming physically fighting each other only happened a few times we'd have moments of chill and real bonding sometimes but other times it was like you know maybe murder wouldn't be that bad he probably thought the same as well mal then he was a senior in high school something clicked we got our crap together and became friends he moved really far away for college and we still text often even if he is a really crappy texter cough cough and we somehow got an amazing relationship out of the worst most horrible nasty drivel ever i don't even know how don't ask me but my point is people can change and he's still exactly the same person he was same here to be honest but we changed in little ways that made us compatible and we put all of our crap behind us made up and now he's easily one of the first people i go to when i need to talk he's also the first person i go to to crap post but that's besides the points edits also op knowing you're a guy now i just want to say y'all literally had the same relationship as me and my bro where two and a half years apart though that's crazy and op replies lol i thought i was the only one who had the murder thoughts i remember one time i was in my room with my buddies and yet again she starts teasing me over something i honestly can't remember but when she left i reached into my friend's bag because he had a knife and i flipped it open i then proceeded to yell at her while i waved the knife around lol my friend was pretty uncomfortable about that growing up i can't remember a single bonding moment we had from the ages of 14 to 18 but way better now ah the murder thought god such a great throwback that one we we love that thought by user mindless ww surfing titled am i the a-hole for laughing at a customer this happened to me yesterday at work and it's something that i will never forget i work at an animal shelter and i had a customer come in who i remembered from a few weeks ago a man who had adopted this cat named nelson i remember this because nelson was one of the few cats that we listed as sensitive so we know to keep them in a private room where they won't be bothered by crazy younger cats because he came from a home where there was trauma due to this he is extremely skittish and can misbehave on occasion the man came in with nelson in the carrier and came to the front desk asking to talk to our manager and that he had a complaint i asked him what the complaint was but he insisted he wanted to talk to the manager alan who helped him pick nelson out it takes me a few minutes to find ellen because we're generally all over the place here and when we come back allen asks the guy what the issue is is the cat sick or did it hurt you etc you know general things we ask when people roll up trying to return a pets in most cases we can work it out and to make sure the animal doesn't have to be returned i stuck around because i wanted to hear why this guy was trying to return the cat because i'm nosy he said he refuses to listen to any order i give him alan and i were a little puzzled and asked what he meant alan said well we don't have his full training history but most cats know the general word no because of the tone behind it have you tried the guy cut him off and said he's choosing not to listen to me i told him the rules when we got home and he has ignored every single one the guy went on a rant saying how the cat was told to use a litter box but he pissed on the floor multiple times how he told the cat not to go into the spare room but he still does and so on right then it clicked to me this guy thinks the cat understands what he's saying i asked him wait do you think the cat can understand you like he understands the words you say to him the man tilted his head at me and looked at me like i was an idiot and then said he's choosing not to that's the fudging issue i couldn't help it i busted out laughing so hard i almost teared up that's just never never anything i've ever heard of someone genuinely thinking animals can understand what a human was saying like they were also human long story short i was told to leave the room by allen who figured out the issue and i did kind of feel like a dick after because i guess the guy had never had a pet before and hadn't really been around animals other than a few well-trained dogs and he legitimately thought animals could understand you my boss wasn't mad at me at all but told me i acted very unprofessional which i do agree to to some extent i don't think i was an ass but i know i should maybe have not laughed so hard i was on kennel duty for the next two days i shouldn't have laughed in front of him but damn i couldn't help it edits the cat was returned but in this case it seems to be the best outcome also shelters aren't always the worst situation for an animal we love our babies at our shelter and edit two i will update when he finds his forever home i would take it myself but i have a thirteen-year-old cat and a two-year-old lab so it's not the ideal house for the little guy and the question is am i the a-hole for laughing at a customer i kind of give some people lenience for ignorance and genuinely not knowing things but i feel like logic would tell you that this guy's just a willful idiot in this circumstance i don't know how he thought that this was reality that cats could genuinely understand you like i don't think some people realize we're not living in the ratatouille universe and a lot of people choose to think that we are living in ratatouille universe so that's the reason why they have rats on their head constantly something like that i don't know i don't make the rules all i know is this guy was a genuine idiot i would have laughed in his face as well but i feel like he deserved it did he not deserve it like come on how unless there's something actually wrong with you how do you how do you do this to yourself or you think your cat's going to listen to your instructions i don't understand not the a-hole ah not the a-hole you probably shouldn't have laughed but that guy was being ridiculous i hope nelson finds a loving home he's a great cat when one-on-one and would be really good in a quiet single person households i have high hopes he will as we're making him animal of the week i've been lying in my bed for over an hour yelling at my cat to make me a coffee and he's pretending that he can't hear me so rude huh your cat is broken not the a-hole not owning a lot of pets is not an excuse for thinking that cats have that level of comprehension he's an adult however as someone who volunteers at a cat shelter i'm a bit concerned that a sensitive cat was allowed to be adopted by this level of ignorance i'm not sure how a gap of misunderstanding this lodge about how cats work gets missed i realize beggars can't be choosers but part of placing shelter animals is making sure they're in a home appropriate for their needs and that the owner understands that most shelters don't have background checks or anything that's a rescue center we're also very small with 10 to 13 dogs at a time typically and three rooms for cats if someone wants the animal they can usually get it that day unless the animal is on medicine or just had surgery or hasn't been added to the system yet technically you're the a-hole because work and all that but holy crap that is hilarious i don't know if i'd have held it together either absolutely op was you're the a-hole as they were not professional and it's not okay to laugh mockingly in a customer's face go somewhere else and piss yourself laughing as it's funny but don't do it in front of the customer updates am i the a-hole for laughing at a customer good news ladies and gents some of you may remember my previous post if not read it because it's hilarious and has a cute cat the news our boy nelson has found his forever home he got adopted eight days ago and i've been waiting to see if it's stuck before posting nelson became a top priority to adopt out as he was one of our most difficult but favorite cats that we took care of he became pet of the month and got the attention of an older gentleman who came in get this with a printed copy of our facebook post it was very adorable of him this man automatically took us as a great candidate for nelson since he was an experienced cat owner he had a bit of a sad story his wife passed last year and their 18 year old tabby passed away four months ago he was very lonely and wanted to get a new friend but didn't want to get a young cats he is older and doesn't have the energy to take care of a demanding cat nelson was absolutely perfect i have seen very very heartwarming moments with pets and their families but this one was a top as you guys may remember nelson is a cranky a-hole that you can't help but love he's not really nice and he's standoffish but i share you nuts when we brought him into our meeting room he pranced over to the men and hopped up onto his lap my jaw almost hit the floor after 30 minutes of nelson going ape crap over this man he was adopted and went off to his new home the man has sent us photos and updates of nelson since then and it seems to be going very very well i guess he speaks cats i won't be posting photos as the man is in them and you know i'm trying to not get in trouble at work again thank you guys for being nelson's biggest fans and i'm so stoked that both of them got a happy ending together the mental image of this standoffish cat happily jumping into this guy's lap made me happy cry at work i'm so glad it worked out for them both thank you for updating it was the best day ever seeing how he came out of his shell he was just waiting for the right person aren't we all oh my god yes i guess old people and old cats just work my grandma's a-hole cat only really likes my grandma she tolerates me i guess i can pick her up and she'll purify pet her lots but other than that she follows my grandma around all the time and cuddles often i guess they just connect in their old age lol i think nelson knew he needed a friend i think nelson could feel that man percy by user web titled am i the a-hole for being upset that my siblings are getting part of an inheritance but i'm not because i'm a recovering addict my parents are pretty wealthy i'm 26 and from 21 to 25 i was in and out of rehabs i was abusing so many different kinds of drugs and i wasted so much money i overdosed once and it destroyed my family to watch me go through that i'm intensely ashamed of who i was as a person and i have been sober for almost a year my parents are now approaching their late 60s and have started finalizing their wills and inheritance yesterday they sat me down and told me that i will not be getting any of their inheritance as they don't trust me not to relapse with all the money suddenly in my possession and as a result my siblings will be getting my share of the money i was pretty upset about this and i said that they were going to make my siblings rich while i would get nothing from it and that wasn't fair i was almost yelling at this point they told me to calm down but i was too upset to listen and i left and called my brother and sister after i left and told them what my parents had said and they said that it was their choice and there wasn't anything they could do i accused them of just wanting all the money for themselves and not caring about what happened to me today i have my dad texting me that they're worried about me and disappointed in my behavior yesterday i talked to my sponsor and he said that while anger is understandable i have to do everything in my power not to ruin the trust i've built with my family over the past year and acting like an a-hole addict won't help sometimes i still have trouble with my reactions to things now that i'm sober however i don't feel as though i'm entirely unjustified here am i the a-hole for getting upset i think you're old enough to realize that you shouldn't be getting upset at this point and that they've seen you over these last four to five years and they know what you've been like and just being clean for a year doesn't guarantee that you won't relapse and sink that uh inheritance away it's an unfortunate reality of life being someone that has become an addict and is recovering from it but at the end of the day it's your parents choice whether they give you the money or not i think you are an a-hole for being upset your anger is fine it's okay it's understandable as your sponsor said it's okay to be angry but you have to control how you react to other people you can't control the situation as everyone says you can only control how you react and i think a good way of getting the trust back would not to be reacting in the way that you are because that's the reaction of someone that's not taking logic into account here it's logical that you could relapse and all that money will go away i don't know that's just me rambling obviously i don't know everything that's just my opinion i'm gonna say that you're the a-hole you're the a-hole because you probably spent your share of the inheritance every time they tried to help you seriously add up every dollar they've spent on your addiction or ask them to add it up and then ask yourself if you deserve any more that's a fair point says op don't forget all the time and emotional labor that goes with all of this how many days off or vacations got sidelined how many sleepless nights emotional slash relationship damage caused by things said or done while op was under the influence opie you took up way more than your fair share and way more than the inheritance is even worth and as a ps if you stay sober your parents will treat you more responsibly over time one year is nothing in recovery maybe several years or more down the line when you're living a respectable life and they see that their money will go into your house education or something else which you have built between now and then they will reconsider i think timing is a major factor here it feels like forever hey i just want to say good for you for making it a year having said that people are right that's not a long time i know someone who was an addict and they cleaned up their act for nine years before relapsing worse than before luckily he got cleaned up again but you really need time to make people trust you again maybe they never will but sometimes that's what happens when you go through this and to the people who have watched you be an addict for multiple years one year of sobriety is a mere blink of an eye i know but it still feels like forever it's not you are still likely to be an addict again what they're doing is smart you're the a-hole your parents are concerned for your life also your parents are only 60-ish so there's a good chance that they will be alive for at least 10 years i believe usa life expectancy is north of 70 that leaves plenty of time to amend the will you are only a year out of rehab so your parents are just making plans for the way things are today edits just reread that is late 60s but the point still remains they have to plan based on today not based on what it could be 10 years from now and op says but the way things are now won't always be the case first congrats on nearly a year that being said you spent nearly one-fifth of your life in rehab i wouldn't blame them for not trusting you yet especially since i'd bet you were using before the rehab i'm guessing your parents paid for that and not to mention all the attention that had to be put on you that could have gone to your siblings addicts are in olympic-sized pools drain on a family's mental health and finances they worried about you made sure you were getting help paid for it and you repay them by going ballistic that they won't treat you as if you did nothing to them yeah they did pay for it i believe i said that you said it'll be about four hundred thousand dollars the inheritance going by a quick google search your parents could have easily gone through that in a four-year rehab stint updates am i the a-hole for being upset that my siblings are getting my part of an inheritance but i'm not because i'm a recovering addict my first post wasn't hugely popular but i wanted to update anyways after what happened with my parents i won't lie i relapsed i had a weekend where i blacked out i remember getting back to my apartment and all the drugs and booze i bought was gone and it was a monday morning it was a lot of stuff i scared myself so much i ended up calling my parents saying that they were right and i remembered everybody's advice on my last post and i apologized for how i treated them and that they were right in not giving me any of their money i'm now three weeks sober and i took reddit's advice and made a compromise with my parents in regards to my inheritance if i remain at least five years sober and submit to a bi-monthly drug test they will reconsider my part of the money i hope they do reconsider i know i have a lot of work to do and i still have a lot of selfishness to overcome but i wanted to thank everyone for helping me try to realize that here's to three weeks and more you're three weeks sober you relapsed in the past and will likely again it's pretty normal and expected to fall back and when you enter your group therapy and mat therapy they will talk about this with you you can't and won't beat this alone you need help and it's okay to ask for it and use the services available to you millions of americans have substance abuse problems it's more common than you think but there is only one legit solution you can't expect your family to trust you after three weeks you can't expect them to trust you ever again it's fully up to them when they will bring that trust back and you can't do anything about that get help join the addiction thread talk to an addiction doctor and get the ball rolling they will help you with the withdrawal family issues and mental issues caused by the abuse but most importantly they will help you get to the core of your addiction so it can be properly addressed rop had been sober a year and had been in treatment at that point i don't know if you just didn't read the op or are ignoring all of that a professional telling them that relapse is a normal part of recovery and a relapse doesn't mean all hope is lost is important a parent saying we don't trust you won't relapse again while a person is actively working on their recovery is harmful it's not their fault op relapsed but when the people you want to help you in your recovery as saying you won't recover it does have an impact it's pretty damn hard to ask for help when the people who are supposed to care about you don't think you can recover i don't blame them for not trusting op with their money but it would have been more productive for them to set these stipulations the first time or just simply say they've already spent so much money plus the cost of time and emotions on rp's addiction that they decided they cannot put them in the will my dad has been in recovery for like 20 plus years and i don't really think he's at any risk for relapse at this point but if he misses our weekly call for some reason i still get scared that he relapsed look i don't tell him this because it's not helpful and it's about my emotions and not his behaviors and i have to be the one in control of my own emotions before this relapse opie was demonstrating recovery i don't blame the parents for not trusting opie but that was about their emotions and not opie's progress are you saying that opi's parents should trust him not to relapse given the years of op's addiction on what basis should that trust be built no he's saying actively doubting opie's recovery hindered it everyone doubts your recovery if you cannot handle people doubting your recovery then you will never recover you have to be able to stay sober through everything life throws at you death heartbreaks losing a job getting a job inheriting a large amount of money rop's parents were rightfully concerned about leaving a large amount of money to a drug addict he or she relapsed off of an argument with their parents unfortunately they are not done yet and from my experience it was easy to see that go back to the last thread he or she kept making comments about how a year feels like forever they were itching to get back into it from my experience relapse happens long before the person puts a drug or drink back into their body they're just looking for an excuse source recovering alcoholic with two brothers who actively use best friend is a recovering heroin addict and have met countless others in rehabs and programs seen it a thousand times and another response to opie's post your parents argue nothing it seems like they already saved your life once and spent a lot of money doing it make your own money not everyone has rich parents you should just appreciate their unconditional love they worked hard their whole lives for their money you were not entitled to it even if you were sober also be sober for you not for money posted by user loose strategy titled would i be the a-hole for changing my name passed down from generation to generation my dad's name is birds my grandfather is bertram my great-grandfather is bertrand and the naming convention repeats ad infinitum all sons in the family get the same name or a twist on the same name my brother is roberts which was controversial at the time my uncle is bart likewise controversial those who deviate like these examples have got crap for it but nothing too serious this tradition has been going back at least a couple of centuries at least my brother has a normal name that isn't too uncommon like birds my name is bertamo i could go on and on paragraph after paragraph about why i hate my name i always have you cannot imagine the bullying and name calling i've got in my life i'm 17 soon i'll be 18. when that happens i'm gonna change my name to something completely unrelated i expressed as much to my parents and i guess it got through the grapevine to the rest of the paternal family and no one is happy my dad is indifferent but is upset that i don't like the name he gave me but my grandfather is apparently so upset i'll be written out of his will i don't know what a career fisherman is going to leave me in his will but i think i'll be okay the thing is that i kind of like some tradition like this going back dozens of generations it's just this specific tradition i think is stupid if it was something like a pendant passed down to the first sons or something like that then fine but i have to live with my name on display 24 7 for my whole life but then again this is really the only family tradition we have my brother is married and is already brainstorming bert names would i be the a-hole for changing my name update for some more context on how big of a deal the family naming convention is i replied to another comment with more info but i'll post it here too whenever a new son is born they consult a document slash family tree to see if the name is already in use by a living relative but only going linearly up i can't have the same name as any living father grandfather great grandfather etc or any of their children but i can share the same name as my uncle's children because it's not going directly upwards in the family tree it's going up and then down in a divergent path i have over 20 bert cousins or children of cousins to give an idea on how widespread it is and they do have records going back to at least the 1780s before that we're unsure because no one kept physical evidence the first one was a bertram but the story allegedly goes that it was an offshoot of bert and the real root name is bert every single sun in my father's lineage is named in this convention at a time of the early 1900s there were a few birthers and bertas to start a new female tradition but it never took off my family justifies it by being a common denominator we can all connect by i'm actually close to relatives that diverted from our family but kept the naming in the late 1800s i'm close to family who have lived abroad for generations we all connect by this name so i guess it works my family is huge on family if it's not obvious for what it's worth it's berta moe my mother's italian hence why brother is robert keep in mind on my father's side it's muttville i don't know our earliest recorded ancestors were from germany but there's a large portion from the netherlands and many many many from newfoundland canada which i guess was english at a point our family is large with parts in scandinavia germany netherlands switzerland france etc i think if you don't like your name you should be allowed to change it even if it does upset your family so in their eyes you're going to be an a-hole because they hold this huge family tradition in their own eyes but at the same time there is so many of them and i don't feel like them giving you leeway is going to lead to everyone else wanting to change their mind it seems like even your brother is on board with continuing this lineage you got bullied as a kid and you got bullied even up into this point in your life it seems i can't blame you for wanting to change they can't stop you they can cut you out of wills and they can cuss you out but i don't see you being an a-hole in this instance although i do think you're gonna get some backlash from the family it doesn't really seem like a win-win situation no a-holes here why not keep it as a middle for them and change your first or go by his middle name unless this family doesn't do middle names ah of all the names to pass on generationally but opie's ancestors 200 years ago be like hey do you know what would be funny if we told our kids that all the boys should have bert names i wonder how long they'll stick to it lol i have decided whoever originally decided this is a class a troll lol there was a period in my family's history where every male was named hubert i'm assuming they went by their middle names but yes there we are in the family bible hubert peter hubert george hubert xavier luckily that's no longer a tradition not the a-hole in fact edgar if no one agrees but i think your parents are a-holes for naming you bertamo jesus i'm sorry you had to deal with teasing like that parents who name their kids whatever they feel like with no regard to how that kid will feel carrying that name irk me updates would i be the a-hole for changing my name passed down from generation to generation i turned 18 in may which also coincided with me finishing high school the next month i wanted to get my name change done before i began college because it would be a headache to change it in their systems and lord know i didn't want bertamo to be on my degree where i to graduate my parents had other plans and wanted to bring me on a trip the trip was half so my mother can go to italy to visit some of her family and my dad bringing me to germany and the netherlands to visit some of his family in the three weeks we were gone i got to meet literally hundreds of my family members most of them burnt or some alteration the purpose of this trip was to get me to change my mind and you know what i had a great time it was really reflective and introspective as i got to meet some of the other birds my own age and listen to their thoughts on their name a lot of men and boys my age or around my age struggle with the name because even in germany and the netherlands the name isn't common and some of them do change their names i met family who did just that and even some who said they regret it i even met burt bay whose birthday who wears his name on his shoulder with pride the most common sentiment was it's a commonality between family members and that should be protected something that stood out to me was if you were to meet a bird anywhere in the world chances are pretty good they belong to our family there were stories of berts meeting as strangers and leaving his friends and family everyone believed this was the most important part as it means all you need to look for is a name to know your family i'll be honest and say it got to me so much so i decided to keep my name it's nothing to be embarrassed about and truthfully a lot of posts in the previous thread said my name was beautiful and unique and it made me think maybe it's worth holding onto and after starting college last month i say my name in pride i've already made a few connections just because my name is so out there i stand out which is a bad thing in high school but a good thing in college thanks to everyone who gave judgement last thread and i hope my little story of closure is an interesting read if you change your mind then change your name to ernie just to troll them change your last name to bert then add three middle names engle boots roberts and tolberts so your name is now botamo engelbert robert talbert birds complain to your family for not trying hard enough oh my god i'm gonna guess that you're in the states based on the college versus university nomenclature i think this is something that a lot of people struggle with not knowing the heritage and history of your family is something that gets lost in translation a lot of times when families come from the old country to the us i feel like it's important that we as people understand where we come from hence why i'm in ireland i'm glad you got to experience it firsthand i had similar experiences with my last maiden name in school with the name calling but my family has a historical society that puts out books of all of the ancestors going all the way back having that information and being able to ground yourself in it is amazing not to mention pretty cool i too now know anyone with a last name as me regardless of spelling is related to me somewhere in the lineage it's pretty cool to know how far your lines reach congrats on finding your inner birds i find this perspective interesting because i don't share it for one i'm partially adopted so i view family and connection as something to be built by choice rather than something preordained and the family i know the history of pretty much all we know is that the family immigrated within the past 100 years my great-grandparents made a specific effort to integrate to american culture to the point that they wouldn't tell their children anything about the old country and completely stopped speaking their native language in favour of english and to be honest i'm not really curious about it i was born and raised here and even if i knew the history i wouldn't be connected to it any more than i am to genghis khan posted by user bayhen ovarians titled would i be the a-hole if i still give my step-son the birthday gift i bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift upstages hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first sir my husband joe and i have been married for a few years he has a teenage son jack with his ex-wife kim joe and i have a great relationship with jack who lives with us half of the time and we are civil with kim for a couple of years now jack has been into a sport that i am also into and last year he decided to train in that sport seriously he's been doing very well so as a reward and to encourage him further i decided that for his birthday this month i would buy him an important equipment used in our sports he's always wanted to own one himself and if things go well it'll be with him for the next 10 years so i know he will be very happy with it yesterday kim called me and told me what gift she will be getting jack we do this now to avoid getting him the same gift which has happened before i told her that i got jack the equipment for our sports she was quiet for a while and then asked me if i could get another gift for jack's birthday and just to give him the equipment in october kim said that she knows jack will absolutely love my gift so if he gets my gift and her gift at the same time her gift will be upstaged by mine and all of jack's attention will be on my gift she said she's been saving for jack's gift for a while so she would like to see him be happy and thrilled about her gift and that's not likely to happen if jack receives our gifts at the same time i understand where kim is coming from but to me it doesn't seem right to treat giving gifts to jack as a competition for his attention or affections that we have to resort to taking turns why can't we both give him our gifts and make him as happy as he could be on his birthday a day that's supposed to be about him and not about us got to agree with that sentiment there but i feel like she's coming from a place where she just wants the best for her son also i don't feel like this is a personal attack on you by any means i feel like she's been saving up for a while and you know a lot of people don't want themselves to be upstaged they want to be recognized for their efforts i know we don't always deserve to be recognized for our efforts but it really does feel nice to be acknowledged and i'm sure she's scared of not being acknowledged when you know there's every possibility that you're going to take that away from her i can definitely empathize with both of uh these viewpoints here and you know i'm gonna say there's no a-holes here for this situation you wouldn't be the a-hole if you still give him the birthday gift you wouldn't be the a-hole if you didn't give it to him right now it seems like a rock and a hard place kind of situation no a-holes here i'll probably be downvoted for this but i can actually understand her feeling a bit heartbroken that she has scrimped and saved for a gift and now his stepmom's bought him something that sounds fairly expensive and so impressive that it will leave hers in the dust i don't think you need to wait until october and you certainly don't have to wait to get them another gift but just a compromise could you tell your stepson that you'll give it to him the day after his birthday thanks one of joe's favorite sayings is that sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right and reading your answer i think this is one of those times another commenter suggested waiting a week so jack has a weekend to enjoy kim's gifts tell joe he needs to be a regular contributor to this sub because his sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right policy should solve about 90 of the problems around here right so many comments on posts here are like well according to paragraph 3 subsection 7 of obscure law x you aren't legally required to give water to someone dying of thirst so not the a-hole your mama's crap out of luck and should have brought more water so true some of the advice given on this sub is terrible commenters are so quick to whip out the not the a-hole but i honestly wonder if they have successful relationships irl because yeah maybe technically somebody is not the a-hole but that doesn't mean they should not adjust their behavior you can tell us is the gift the nimbus 2000 no a-holes here yes the rational thing would be to want for him to as you say be as happy as he can be on his birthday but people aren't always rational and that's okay kim is probably right jack will be way more excited about your gift than hers and i can totally understand feeling a bit sad about that when you're his mother and you've been saving up for a gift for a long time and was looking forward to him being excited about it she wasn't being an a-hole about her request and i don't think it's her intention to treat the gift-giving as a competition for his attention or affections no you don't have to wait to give him this gift but it would be very kind of you if you told jack you will get my gift next weekend this weekend you get to enjoy the gift your mum got you i think this will also go a long way when it comes to your relationship with kim and good on you for being a loving stepmom who shares a passion with her stepson thank you i think that will work i will tell jack i have something for him and he can have it the following week and enjoy his mother's gift on his birthday weekend that sounds like the best if you do give it to him on his birthday his mum will be hurt and it will likely affect your relationship with her meaning she may resent you be upset and the open line of communication could be ruined she expressed her honest feelings to you and she will feel ignored or not heard even if it's a selfish thing to ask sucks for you but you know he'll love it in a week's time as well curious what sports bae hanoverian is a type of horse so probs something to do with horses updates would i be the a-hole if i still give my step-son the birthday gift i bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift will upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first hi reddit just dropping by to give you an update to my post jack celebrated his birthday in september and as many of you suggested i told him that i'm sorry but my gift for him was shipped late and would be arriving in two weeks that way it didn't look like kim made me do it and the two of them had time to enjoy kim's gift kim thanked me for understanding her situation and said that she's grateful that i was gracious about her request even though we don't have the best relationship it's flattering to read that so many of you think that joe and i are good people but of course we aren't perfect and it took a lot of time for us to be in a civil place with kim it was humbling for kim to ask me what she did and it also took a lot for me to let her have it hopefully this is the beginning of a better relationship for the three of us and for those who are asking i didn't put a lot of specific details in my post because i wanted to minimize the risk of being identified by someone i know in real life who might also be participating in this forum but since a commenter in my original post already figured it out yes i bought jack a horse my family has a horse farm so where can you ride a horse for two weeks is thankfully not a problem jack already met his new partner last week and he is very happy with him thank you for all your comments and i wish everyone the best you sure did undersell your gift in the first post it reads like you're talking about a hockey stick or something not a freaking horse what was kim's gift that's so funny i was imagining hockey gear too for some reason i was trying to think of what sport has expensive equipment figured it was hockey golf clubs or a really nice tennis racket or maybe a rowing machine definitely never pictured a horse at all i thought it was some kind of archery protection or maybe a bow the first thing i'm gonna say when i get a horse is wait how's there a two-week delay on shipping for a horse the trailer broke off the hitch and there was two weeks of shenanigans trying to retrieve the horse clearly shenanigans indeed as a broke mum who shares custody with the other house having a lot more money i wouldn't say you would have been the a-hole but in taking the high road with this matter it would have meant so much to me it shows you care about making the relationship between the adults calm and healthy so that the child always benefits there is no way to put a price on that and the kid will benefit from that more than any other gift mom should be very thankful that our child has good people who love this kid eta thank you so so much for the gold and silver taking time to really focus on what's best for a healthy relationship between adults so kids benefits is really the best thing a parent can do for them posted by user heatherbanana1984 titled am i the a-hole for hiding the salt and pepper when my friend comes to dinner once every few weeks one of my friends comes over for dinner at my place i'm big into making my meals from scratch and really putting a lot of time and love into them my favorite thing to do is cook especially for my family and friends and it makes me really happy to see them eating my food and enjoying it tonight i made a pasta dish for dinner that had spicy italian sausage spinach and mushrooms in a really rich dijon mustard cream sauce i spent about an hour and a half prepping and cooking and it turned out amazing as soon as we all sat down to eat my friend immediately asks for the salt and pepper without even tasting the dish first it was already very well seasoned and anything extra would have been overkill i told him i was out of salt and he'd misplaced the pepper i actually hid them behind a bunch of stuff in the cabinet above my fridge because i knew he would go digging for it every time i make dinner and invite him he does this i spend hours on a meal and he loads it up with so much salt and pepper that it's not even palatable anymore to anyone but him it really upsets me and i've tried to explain that it's just rude to do when someone cooks for you i asked him once if gordon ramsay presented him with a michelin star meal would he request salt and pepper and he said yes i've tried to eat my friends cooking before and politely got it down but it wasn't good for example he made steak slathered in nothing but yellow mustard and grilled with pasta on the side that had a sauce made of milk onion parmesan cheese and a crap ton of salt and pepper he ate every last bite i did not anyway back to the story i really pride myself on my cooking so tonight i was prepared for him to ask and just went ahead and hid it when i told him i didn't have salt and pepper he said oh that's okay i have some packets in my car i'll go get them i told him if he added salt and pepper to the meal without even tasting it first i wasn't going to invite him to dinner anymore he got pissy and told me that i was being rude my husband and kids even agreed with me and said that he was rude and to just enjoy the meal he sulked and ate the food anyway and even went back for seconds so clearly he liked it or was just really hungry he left ticked off and later texted me that i was caddy for not allowing him to season his food and that he probably wouldn't be back for dinner anytime soon i'm fine with that but now i'm wondering if i should have just sucked it up and let him ruin my food so am i the a-hole i'm gonna say yeah just let the man enjoy your food i know that you're a bit insulted that he does this every time he eats a meal but if that's what someone likes doing when they eat i guess you can choose to either invite them over for dinner or not invite them over for dinner if you're going to enforce how he enjoys your meal i don't think that you're a very good friend for doing that let him ruin it for himself if he likes if that's what he wants to do just let him do it i'm gonna say that you're the a-hole for hiding the salt and pepper because it didn't change the result in the ends edits i'm realizing that i might be an a-hole i just grew up being taught that it's rude to do and would literally get smacked if i asked for salt and pepper at home it's just not something i do when eating other people's food a lot of people have pointed out that since he's a heavy smoker he might have damaged taste buds and can't taste the food without extra seasoning which honestly never occurred to me if he doesn't want to come over to dinner anymore i get it but if he does i think i'll just stick to simpler meals so i don't get so butthurt updates i talked to my friend and apologized for snapping and not letting him use salt and pepper i also explained why it upsets me and in the future could we just compromise and he'd try one bite before adding anything else to the meal and he said that that was fine he also said it was funny to see me so ticked over something so simple and i agree i looked like a clown this has definitely made me see that there are more aspects to my ocd that i initially thought not using my mental illness as an excuse at all by the way i just get ridiculously upset when things aren't a certain way and i need to learn better ways to cope with it for those of you saying not to ask him over or to say no when he asks to come over we have a child together that lives with me and i will never deny him the right to see his son he lives five minutes away from me and if he wants to pop over and eat dinner and play with his son i'm not going to tell him he can't do that also please stop messaging me saying i'm an expletive or a terrible person and that i don't deserve to live i realize i'm the a-hole but that's too far anyway from now on the salt and pepper will be on the table ready to use to anyone's liking look at all those details left out of the story we only get details in the update we didn't know he's a heavy smoker we didn't know op had ocd we didn't know this friend was the father of opie and there's child that completely changes everything in the story but it doesn't change my judgment in the end it's not enough to do it but regardless what is with all these details left out you're the a-hole this is immensely controlling petty and ridiculous he likes salt and pepper get over it or stop cooking for him if it really upsets you that much also rude while yes it is considered an etiquette gaff to season before tasting it is a much bigger faux pas to be condescending to guests in your home you can't pull out emily post as a defense if you're going to ignore the first rule of being a hostess you're the a-hole you're the a-hole you don't get to tell someone else how to season their food what you think tastes good isn't what someone else thinks tastes good that's fine but he hasn't even tasted it yet so he can't know if it tastes good yet that's what i don't understand i've had this same argument with my partner because i was also raised that it was rude to season food before tasting it it's not that he can't season the food i cooked i just want him to taste it before assuming that i under seasoned to the meal opie sounds like they would never season food that was cooked for them by someone else ever that's not what table salt and pepper shakers are for they are so everyone can season their food to their liking after politely tasting it so eta i think they mean everyone sucks here posted by user etereto titled am i the a-hole my sister is very ill and asked me to take custody of her kids when she passes away i said no i feel like backstory is key here so i'll try to be as in depth as i can with the letter limit and sub rules i am 28 and she is 24. me and my sister grew up in a bad family our dad was all right but also an alcoholic unfortunately he died when i was eight and our mum was straight up abusive our quality of life more or less went from crappy but manageable to horrid what was even worse for me was my sister leaving a year later to live with her boyfriend leaving me alone with mom the next years i won't go in depth on but i ended up being taken by child services at 13 and put into foster care until i was 18. i more or less decided to move on i forgot about my past and family and decided not to seek them out or speak to them again got a job put myself through college and with a lot of hiccups like a lot i ended up graduating at 24 and have since been doing extremely well for myself just to be clear during all this time my sister never once reached out to me either that was until three months ago when i got a long message on social media no apologies no discussion of the past just a long message about how she was sick and needed her brother right now i wanted to ignore it but my girlfriend convinced me to go see her it was awkward she has four kids no husband or boyfriend in sight and i don't think she has any friends either she reminded me of our mother all she did was talk about herself regardless i felt bad so visited her a few more times up until last week that is she told me she had gotten her affairs in order and she put me as the person she wanted her kids to go to i immediately told her that that was not happening and that she should reach out to their father or something she cried saying they were not in the picture and begged me i held firm and ended up leaving when she started screaming at me i haven't spoken to her since but i have received a load of messages from her switching between cursing me out and begging me to take them i feel terrible i could technically give these kids a good life and i'd essentially put them through what i went through if i don't but i do not want to give up my life and what i have built for the sake of a woman that i barely know and kids i know even less honestly if it was me in the same situation i'd do exactly what you're doing that is way too much weight to be lifting by yourself the fact that the fathers are no longer in the picture is a depressing one but it's life and that just happens sometimes i really don't think that it's your job to be taking the responsibility of her kids i do think that that was her responsibility to find a proper backup plan in the case that she was going to die and she failed her kids by not doing that it's not your fault that she's done any of this i don't think you could be expected to raise these four kids i don't think a lot of people could do that i'm gonna say not the a-hole for not taking on this responsibility edits so i consistently get replies that are made by people who have obviously not read my post and go off on the premise that i'm refusing to take the kids to punish my sister i said no because a stranger i have not seen since i was nine asked me to make a life-altering decision of taking care of four children who were literal strangers to me two of whom are toddlers i would essentially ruin my own life any punishment my sister gets she will get after she passes away on the off chance there is a god thank you for all the replies though some have been very insightful not the a-hole being blood-related doesn't mean they're always family you are not entitled to do everything the fact that those kids will go through what you went through isn't your fault and won't make you an a-hole still feels horrible i just wonder why their dad and dads are not involved or at least their grandparents i understand that you know what being put in a foster care means and how hard it must be to build up your future all alone but still don't do any choices under the influence of guilt the dad probably didn't care enough maybe keep in contact with the kids give them your number and see them maybe once a month or so so that they know that they're not alone in the worlds not the a-hole this i recommend this be a light in their life even if you don't want to take care of them a positive influence can really make a big change i also think this is a great idea if you want to address your guilt and at least ensure they aren't treated horribly in the future but also aren't required to do anything further edit it's a really really tough decision but i think both your hearts are in the right place i don't know what i would do if i was in your situation do you think you should also maybe talk with your girlfriend if it's too serious it may affect her in the future too hmm no a-holes here you're not the a-hole for refusing to take custody of essentially a stranger's children but i'm not gonna call a dying desperate woman an a-hole for this either if someone is basically slipping down a cliff you don't call them an a-hole for swearing or screaming at people for help even though that isn't okay behavior in the strictest rites and wrongs of it i'm appalled at the lack of empathy for her in the comments it is within your power to help them without taking them yourself simply by having an extended family relationship with them while they go through the foster system you will be someone they can tell if they are not treated well you can be an advocate for them just the fact that a relative is around and is seen to care for them in itself give some protection from predatory and neglectful carers i think it would be a decent thing and a reasonable middle ground to offer to do that much posted by user gifted am i the a-hole titled am i the a-hole for taking sister-in-law out for dinner and giving her a gift intended for my wife thirty-four male here and married to a workaholic 33 female i work in a business analyst role while my wife works at a marketing management role at very respectable companies where we live i can't for the life of me remember the last time we've been on a date i don't remember her initiating anything in the last year or so it's like she's avoiding going out in general and no before anyone asks she's not cheating she just likes to work when the pandemic happened we had to stay home and all i thought this was a good opportunity for her house dates nope from 9am to 1am work and sleep the rest it did not help that on weekends or any breaks she took she literally spent the whole day sleeping she was mostly finished with her work and was taking up more work because it paid and that her co-workers or juniors messed stuff up and asked for her help every plan i made ends up coming second to work this has been the source of regular arguments now and she promises to make it up but never does last week it was our fifth wedding anniversary and for me that was a big deal for me i planned one month before this day since the pandemic restrictions were easing up in my area i reserved a rather expensive restaurant and bought a platinum necklace for her we went to meet at the house and leave it around 7pm for the 9pm reservation the restaurant was half an hour away but i wanted to visit the aquarium near the hotel at near seven when she was a no-show i called her and she told me that there was trouble at work because of her junior and that she had to take over i did not respond and just cut the coal i met her sister 25 female outside who lives with her parents my in-laws a few streets away she could tell that i was ticked off and i gave her the cliff note version and she was just empathetic i don't know why but i asked her if she wanted to go to that restaurant because i still had time to make the reservation she accepted and even in-laws had no problem she is my little sister in a way we made the reservation had a nice chat and meal i had the gift in my pocket and i decided to give that to my wife sister who refused it first but i still insisted her to take it as an early birthday present and dropped her off home it blew up the next day when my wife found out how i spent our anniversary and made a scene in front of in-laws that i betrayed her and my actions were disgusting predatory to name a few what ticked her off more was the gift i'd given her sister and now demanded i apologize by getting her a new necklace as such or sis to give the one i got for her initially here is where i was the a-hole by saying that i don't get gifts for roommates that maybe if you acted more like a wife than roommates i would consider it even my in-laws took my side on this one and asked us to arrange another date this weekend i refused and told her that the wife has to now wife got angry and went to stay at a hotel am i the a-hole here this is really just another one of those extremely messy situations and everyone loses in this mess i feel like no one really did the right thing here really i'd suggest marriage counseling and talking to each other more to figure out the situation and being honest with each other that's all i can say i'm gonna say everyone sucks here everyone sucks here i sympathized with you right up until the anniversary dinner but giving your wife's sister the platinum necklace you bought for your wife was really vindictive not to mention the i don't get gifts for roommates line if your marriage is in crisis be a grown up and talk about it don't just let your anger accumulate and play cruel stunts sorry no it's hard to have a conversation with someone who won't listen it sounded like her primary commitment is to work and dopey isn't even a second they are roommates and if she's offended by what he says maybe it's time she took a look at what she's bringing to the relationship op sounds like he's made all the effort in their relationship thus far he's the one making plans he's the one being blown off and he's the one she makes false promises of making it up to that she doesn't keep she knew about these dinner plans she blew him off to work and didn't take any initiative to replan the anniversary date that she ruined she can't now take offense that he didn't sit at home like a wallflower waiting for her to return from her all-important job yeah giving the sister-in-law the necklace was a bit over the top but op sounds fed up he has made it very clear that he thinks of his sister-in-law as his sister her parents are okay with his actions so people calling it creepy and predatory are way out of line are there things that could have been done better maybe but he's definitely not the a-hole wife is mega a-hole he doesn't just sound fed up he sounds hurts and i honestly can't blame him for it op has told us the five year anniversary meant a lot to him he arranged a fancy dinner reservation for them planned for them to visit an aquarium and even had what sounds like a beautiful gift picked out for her the wife one did not tell work that this night was important and that whatever might come up could wait two hours for a meal or until the next morning two did not even bother calling opie to tell him she would be running late or missing the reservation let me say it again she couldn't even find the time to tell him herself she was skipping their five-year anniversary dinner op had to call her three did not apologize for blowing him off on a night he openly told us strangers was very important to him so i highly doubt she didn't know four apparently didn't even bother to suggest something else that they could do to make up for it and 5. curiously there was no mention of any gift the wife bought for op i'm guessing she was too busy to even buy a tie or order a watch off amazon or do anything at all the only thing she did was leave him waiting blow him off and then when he tries to salvage the night for himself by treating his sister-in-law to the dinner and gift and calling it an early birthday present probably to make himself feel better about his wife giving zero f's about him she explodes and implies that he's selfish and predatory for taking her sister out instead of miserably sitting at home forgotten i don't think opie gave the necklace away out of spite i think he was hurt frustrated and probably felt rejected in unimportance and so he reached out to someone who actually made time for him if it turned flirty it would have been mean but he says he sees her as a sister opie is not the a-hole in my opinion edits he also planned this a month in advance short of an actual serious emergency she really has no excuse for blowing him off again and on an anniversary of old days posted by user he's the father titled am i the a-hole for not agreeing to a paternity test unless my husband goes to therapy i 28 female and my husband 32 male have a three-year-old son together there has never been any doubt that my husband is the father i've never given him any cause for concern that i cheated on him and he acknowledged all of this last week he came to me and said that for the last few months he's been plagued his word with this anxiety that our son is not his they don't look identical granted but they definitely share similar features and i see my husband whenever i look at my son i was obviously blindsided by this i had no idea he was having these thoughts i asked him to explain why he thought that he wasn't his and he couldn't really provide an answer other than a gut feeling he asked me if i would be okay if he got a paternity test done so it could ease his mind i initially said absolutely not no way in hell i was very very offended he told me that he could just do it without my permission and i said that if he did that i would never forgive him my husband does not have a history of anxiety but he did lose his job back at the start of the pandemic so he's been with our son most of the time while i work my full-time job from home i know this hasn't been easy on him i'm not a psychiatrist or anything but maybe he's starting to resent our son or something from just having to be around him constantly after our heated first conversation i spoke with some friends about it and they said that he was probably having psychiatric problems due to the stress of not having a job i came back to my husband and said that if he went to therapy and maybe started taking some anti-anxiety meds that i would consider getting the test he was very upset at this and said that once he got the results of the test back he wouldn't be anxious anymore and that i wasn't being fair by making him go through a whole rigmarole again his word just to get peace of mind which was a phrase he used a lot during this he again threatened to just get the test without my permission and i said this would effectively end our relationship i think that there's something more serious going on here and i thought that my solution here is as fair as i'm willing to be my friends are divided some think i should just take the test and others are saying he's being insane and that if i cave to this there's just gonna be something else i need some neutral perspective here am i the a-hole edits i haven't read all the comments here because the amount of responses have been overwhelming however i really want to say that i do not appreciate strangers attempting to diagnose my husband over the internet it is disgustingly presumptuous i'm his wife and i don't feel qualified to do that which is exactly why i want him to go to a licensed therapist another thing i'm seeing popping up is that i'm somehow demanding that he take medication i said maybe medication meaning that i only think he should be on medication if a licensed therapist prescribes them to him i don't want to shove pills down his throats which seems to be what some people think i want to do as for the numerous suggestions of marriage counseling as opposed to individual therapy i think this is a great idea i didn't initially consider it because i was so focused on it being his problem but we are ultimately a team and i'll suggest that to him today hopefully it goes better and thanks to everyone for your input personally i'm just going to keep it short it does seem like an amalgamation of the stress of losing a job plus the insecurity of the world's and what's going on with the pandemic i think that what he's doing is a coping mechanism trying to feel some control in his life if he can control knowing that he is the father of his son then he feels more control in his life and he feels like his wife denying that maybe causing him anxieties and feeling like he doesn't have control i don't know that's my pocket therapist suggestion here i don't think she's an a-hole for denying this and i think she's a saint for trying to get him to go to therapy because i feel like he needs it as well not the a-hole even in the best case scenario where this is all due to anxiety brought on by the pandemic do not believe that after the test he'll be better soon it'll be two tests then three because he'll be afraid of false positives this type of anxiety gets worse until it moves on to something else i've had the same obsessive anxiety for years and it didn't get better until after therapy and medication i still struggle stand your ground dopey edits i want to be clear i'm not trying to diagnose anyone i'm speaking from experience how obsessive thinking and anxiety can manifest i am not anti-test either i am pro-therapy both individual and couples because therapy could provide insight and a diagnosis if it's needed i was merely trying to get my point across that if it is anxiety a test would treat the symptoms but not necessarily cure the anxiety as a whole again if this is anxiety my wedding for best case scenario is simple personally if my husband did this i'd prefer it to be anxiety-based and resolved in therapy versus some of the alternatives that people have suggested that husband is cheating and deflecting or that he's been obsessing over what he genuinely rationally thinks is a massive and ongoing betrayal of trust i can't see the ramifications of him saying oh i had this invasive thought that our kid isn't my kid just going away with a test another poster said that this is an accusation that holds a lot of weights it's essentially an accusation that for three to four years all through pregnancy in the child's life that opie has purposely and maliciously deceived her husband into raising a child that might not be his this is the exact problem i have generalized anxiety disorder the thing about anxiety is that it cares very little about things like truth or reality or proof just knowing intellectually that you're being ridiculous has never stopped an intrusive thought from coming back if she got the test opie's husband might feel better for a day or a week or two but after that his brain will either go back to the same worry test results be damned or find a new one to latch onto opie right now your refusal is probably feeding his anxiety she has something to hide dammit so i'm not going to recommend that you hold firm to him getting treatment first but i would hold out until he makes a concrete step towards getting treated such as making a doctor's appointment and if he cancels afterwards because i'm fine now damn it then draw the line there and definitely refuse the next ridiculous anxiety request because it will be coming that's what she said okay and i think that's where we're gonna end today's episode guys as always i do hope you enjoyed it and maybe even learn something from these stories just want to say a quick shout out to my patreon subscribers and my channel members you guys should be on the screen right now if you do see yourself i want you to give yourself a little pat on the back for being amazing and supporting me on this channel this uh little journey we're going on on the youtubes i really appreciate it and you guys enabled me to do all this amazing work so if you do see yourself i love your face and i'm happy to see you also guys if you want to pitch in your own support you don't have to but channel links are down in the description below to support the patreon the channel membership whatever you want to do it's kind of like tipping me if you feel like i'm doing a good job on this channel i will be opening up avenues for content on those in the future just right now i'm kind of bogged down and stuck in ireland but you know it is what it is anyway guys with that said i do hope you have a wonderful day today whatever you're up to i'd love to know down in the comments below i do hope you have a good day night sleep whatever you're up to today tell me and i'll see you in the next episode guys bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 40,319

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: UlJbNrOTvAE

Length: 135min 47sec (8147 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 26 2020