- Hey guys, you are
about to watch a compilation of the best family sketches
we've ever done on Studio C, so. - Family. Isn't it about...
time? I just thought of that. - Oh my gosh, Jason. - I just came up with that. - Just watch it. [cheering] James:<i> Thank you,
everyone,</i> for joining us for the 25th annual
family Christmas Eve. [laughing] Now, every Christmas, we have
added a new family tradition, so we are quite
excited about tonight. - Oh, that reminds me:
it's 7:15! You know what that means! Everyone take out
your mistletoe and kiss the person
sitting next to you! [laughing] - Okay, don't mind if I do! - Hey, uh, could we maybe skip the mistletoe
tradition this year? <i> [audience laughter]</i> - What did you say? - I mean, this was
cute like 20 years ago when half of us
were little kids, but, I mean,
we're full-grown adults now, do you guys really
feel comfortable kissing extended family members? - Don't question tradition! Now, give your Aunt Margery
some sugar! - No. Ew, ew, ew, no. - Why are you making
this so awkward, Jason? - I'm making things awkward? What about Aunt Margery? She's been staring
at me creepily all night! - Also a tradition. - No! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - It is! - Jason, you just
have to learn to accept things,
like this! [cheering] - See how sweet that is? - Uh, yeah, it would be sweet
if they weren't second cousins who suspiciously sit
next to each other every Christmas Eve! - So, I suppose you would
like it if we had no traditions! [gasping] - No, I'm just saying
it would be nice if we could consider
cutting some of them. - All right, I'm sorry Grandpa, but Jason doesn't want you
to read the Christmas story this year. - Oh. I understand. I'd rather Jason be comfortable than do the one thing a year
that gives me joy and purpose. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - No, no, no, Grandpa, you can read the Christmas
story; that's a great tradition. - That's the spirit. Go ahead, Grandpa. - Oh, I almost forgot tradition! Stephen, come sit
on Grandpa's lap. [groans] - See, this is what
I'm talking about. We're not five anymore! Full-grown adults should not
be sitting on the elderly! - Nonsense, it's tradition. Adam, get on up here. [laughter] [groans] - No! The poor man
is in agony, guys! - No, these are tears of joy! Come on, kids, there's plenty
of room for everyone. - Get ready for me! Matt:<i> 'Twas the night
before--</i> Jason:<i> Grandpa?</i> <i> Grandpa,</i> oh my goodness,
you guys, he's 97! Get off of him! Get off! [screams] [gasps] Our stupid traditions
killed Grandpa! - He died the way he wanted. Jason:<i> I don't think
his ideal</i> death was being smothered by 1000
pounds of human flesh. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - At least we were
all by his side. - You were all on his face! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - You know, I bet
Grandpa would've survived had Jason participated. - Yeah! Jason's selfish pride
broke his heart. - No, your fat bodies
broke his spleen! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - All right, you want to get rid
of some traditions, then we will forgo the giving
of Christmas pajamas. - Good!
Those pajamas are ridiculous! - And we will replace
it with Christmas speedos! <i> [audience laughter]</i> <i> [audience laughter]</i> [cheering] - Okay, Max, I need you to put
the game away. Time for
a Durphy family meeting! So, how are things going, Max? - Fine, I guess. - That's great, sweetheart. We wanted to do things
a little differently from our regular
family meetings. Today, we want to do
a performance review. - Okay. Sounds serious. - Oh, no,
it's just a formality. [laughs] <i> [audience laughter]</i> Jason:<i> All right, let us</i> start
with the report card. - Okay. - Oh, my. Is that-- - Uh huh, yeah. Oh, I didn't even know it was
possible to fail Study Hall. - Mrs. Jones hates me. - Yeah, and, uh, look
at his performance at home. - So that's how that got broken. - Oh, using the family printer
for personal reasons, that's an infraction. -<i> Honey,</i> I think we
know what we need to do. - Am I grounded
or something? - Oh, no,
we're going to let you go. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I'm sorry, what? - This family is headed
in a new direction, and unfortunately, you're not
going to be a part of it. - I don't understand. - When we birthed you into this
family, we saw potential, and you were really cute,
so you had a lot of value. - You were goal -oriented
and on a trajectory to succeed. I mean, right here you wrote, "I want to be an astronaut
when I grow up." <i> [crowd ahs]</i> - I mean, we were so excited. we sent out formal announcements
at Christmastime. Uh, where are ya on those goals? - I guess I haven't been working
toward that specifically. - Yeah, you haven't really been
working towards anything. Uh, your cuteness-- <i> [audience laughter]</i> Your cuteness has plateaued, and your output has
exponentially decreased. - Yes, and in the most
recent consumer reports with the four grandparents, you were ranked last
in the favorite polls. -<i> What?</i> I don't-- Who cares about them? You guys still like me, right? - Let's keep it professional
Mr. Durphy. - Mr. Durphy? - Yeah, and it isn't just that; I mean, the economy
hasn't been so nice, either, and you're growing. There's no getting
around that. You've been eating more, and that means
it's been costing more. - Plus, there are a lot
of redundancies in our organization, and we just can't afford to pay
you the increase in allowance for the same amount
of work your sister will do for 3/4ths the salary! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I mean, financially,
it just doesn't make sense. - It doesn't make sense. - I could get a job! - With your grades? You really are stupid. [laughter] - What about
the family memories? The Christmas parties? - Well, that's true,
but as I recall it, the last Christmas party
you were rather unpleasant and completely ignored
your Aunt Susan. - What-- She was trying
to make me wear that stupid sweater she made me! - Hey, if there are any
interpersonal conflicts, you'll have to take that
up with HR. - You're HR! - Well, I guess
that's settled, then. - Dad, who's going to go
camping with you and watch the sports games
with you? - Well, frankly, I've never
really cared for those things. It's just something
we did to keep up morale. Stephen:<i> I can't--</i> - But, let's put it this way: this is an opportunity for you
to reinvent yourself, so spread your wings
and fly. - I don't know what to say. - Well, you don't need
to say anything. We are, however, prepared to offer you some letters
of recommendation. There you go. - You know, the Johnson
family just had a kid move off to college,
so there's an opening there. We'll put in a good word
for you. - And your 401K will
kick in in about 50 years. We've prepared a
severance package consisting of two months' allowance
and an Xbox Live subscription. - Your sister Jennifer will help
you clean out your belongings. - Guys, I'm like 15 years old! - And that's the silver lining! You have your whole life ahead
of you. - It was nice being your sister. - Well, I guess this is goodbye. - Goodbye, Mr. Durphy. - Hey, in three months,
you'll be glad this happened. - Okay. [laughing] - I can't believe you fell
for that! - Oh, you mean none
of that was true? - Oh, no, dear. - Oh, I'm glad
everything's okay. - Oh, no.
Everything's not okay. Your dog died. - Oh. - We just did this
to soften the blow. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I'm less sad
than I thought I'd be. - You're welcome! [cheering] Narrator:<i> If you've ever
wondered what life</i> <i> on a farm is like,
you're not alone.</i> <i> Okay, maybe
you're alone in life,</i> <i> but other people wonder
about farms is what I mean.</i> <i> Well, then this story
is for you.</i> <i> Mr. Smith was a farmer,
'cause he liked having lots</i> <i>of furry little friends and then
killing them and eating them.</i> [gunshot] [sheep baas] [thud] <i> His wife, Mrs. Smith, had only
an eighth grade education,</i> <i> which wasn't much good,</i> <i> since she didn't do
grades 1 through 7,</i> <i> but she owned
her own pitchfork, so, yep.</i> <i> The Smiths lived in
Nebraska-- on purpose.</i> <i> They also had two kids,
not on purpose.</i> <i> Johnny Smith was
once a good boy,</i> <i> but he became a teenager</i> <i> and got into some weird
stuff, like puberty.</i> <i> Now, he and his
friends hang out</i> <i> behind the school squeaking
their voices and doing acne.</i> <i> Martha May was a girl.</i> <i> Together, they all lived
on the Smith farm,</i> <i>which Grandpa Smith had bought.</i> <i> Grandpa Smith died--</i> [wheeze] [thud] <i> 'cause that's also
what "bought the farm" means.</i> <i> But the farm life
was a happy one,</i> <i> and so things went,
until one day--</i> [doorbell rings] <i> things changed.</i> [saloon piano plays] Mr. Smith:<i> Barnaby, you trying
to</i> steal my farm again? - Not necessarily. - Okay, come in. Narrator:<i> Barnaby and Mr. Smith
had been brothers</i> <i> ever since they were kids,</i> <i> but when Mr. Smith
turned farmer,</i> <i> Barnaby became
a pharmacist,</i> <i> 'cause he thought those were
the same thing,</i> <i> so Mr. Smith got the farm,
much to Barnaby's chagrin.</i> Barnaby:<i> Am I in time</i>
for supper? - Indeed you are. Martha May Smith, Johnny Smith,
suppertime. Narrator:<i> Johnny
didn't have a middle name,</i> <i>'cause they couldn't afford one.</i> <i> And if he did,
he would've sold it</i> <i> for deodorant money.</i> <i> He had a problem.</i> - Uncle Barnaby,<i>
I can't shake the feeling</i> that you're trying
to steal the farm! - Maybe 'cause that's what
he does literally every time. Narrator:<i>
Said Martha May, the girl.</i> - Well, to make you
all feel better, let's drink a toast, except I
ain't thirsty, so just you are. Narrator:<i> He poured
from a special flask.</i> - All right, now, drink up. [saloon piano continues] Narrator:<i> They tried
to drink,</i> <i> but the liquid had
melted their cups.</i> ♪♪ - Time for plan B. - What did you say? - I said time for plan C. - Oh, okay. Narrator:<i> After dinner,
they all went to bed,</i> <i> except Johnny snuck out back
to shave his upper lip.</i> ♪♪ <i> That night,</i> <i> Grandpa Smith came
to Mr. Smith in a dream.</i> - Beware your evil brother
Barnaby! - Why? - Because he's going to
steal the farm, you nincompoop! - This was news to Mr. Smith,
just like it was every time. - He wants to tear up the corn
and plant prescription meds, 'cause he thinks
a pharmacist is a farmer! - Well, what do I do? - Well, you make a bunch
of hotcakes-- [groans] Narrator:<i> Dream Grandpa died
suddenly,</i> <i> and Mr. Smith woke up
in a cold sweat.</i> <i> It was Mrs. Smith's sweat.</i> - Hey, sweetie. Narrator:<i> He couldn't help
thinking</i> <i> Barnaby was after the farm,
or something.</i> <i> He was nervous
the whole morning,</i> <i> nervous when
he read the paper,</i> <i> nervous when
he cooked breakfast,</i> <i> nervous when he signed away
the deed to the land.</i> [evil laugh] - Dang it! [saloon piano begins] - Papa, you done lost the farm! We've been swindled! - I'm- a take this farm and
grow some prescription drugs, <i> Ritalin, Adderall,</i> Benadryl,
oh, I'll make a fortune. - Farmers ain't supposed
to make money! - You get, brother. 'Bout time y'all left Nebraska. [all gasp] Narrator:<i> They loved
Nebraska for lots of reasons.</i> - Everyone! Narrator:<i> But the biggest
one was bad judgment.</i> - Get that deed! -<i> No, sir!</i> Narrator:<i> Barnaby started
throwing rocks.</i> <i> The first rock
killed Grandpa again.</i> <i> The second rock hit Johnny,</i> <i> who was experimenting
with growth spurts.</i> <i> The third rock was
actually the deed.</i> <i> And so, the Smiths were
saved by Deus Ex Machina,</i> <i> and they lived
happily every after.</i> <i> Unless this video is
popular on YouTube,</i> <i> then they'll have more
problems in a sequel.</i> <i> The end.</i> <i> [audience cheering]</i> [thunder rumbles] - My dear family, I know we haven't always
seen eye-to-eye on things, but as I lie here
at death's door, all our differences seem
so silly to me, now. I want you to know that
I love each of you very much. - Dad, I don't know
how to say this, so I'll just say it: Last year, when your credit card
was stolen, it was me. I took it to buy
that Mercedes. I'm sorry. - I know. I staged the whole thing, and
now I have your confession. <i> [audience laughter]</i> I'm actually perfectly healthy! This was my clever ruse
to capture you in your lies! [laughs] - Clever, old man, but
not clever enough, I'm afraid. The joke, in fact, is on you. You see, I am dying. I've only been given
six months to live. I didn't want to say anything until after we had mourned
your passing, but it seems that
you find death to be nothing but a tool to use
for vengeance. I hope you're happy. - Matt, I don't know
what to say. Listen, when
your Mercedes was stolen, I was the one who took it. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I needed to settle a debt
with a man named Jose Delgado, a powerful crime lord. I'm sorry. - Not as sorry as you will be. [recorder clicks] <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Oh, sister dear. Only a fool would fall for the
same con twice in a row. - Well, I'm truly
surprised, Matt. You played me well. Not that it matters,
because I am dying. - Oh, please,
you can't possibly-- - This is my doctor,
and a sworn affidavit that states I will be dead
within the month. <i> [audience laughter]</i> I've already had
my tombstone engraved. <i> [audience laughter]</i> Whitney:<i> You two should be
ashamed of yourselves!</i> Pretending to be dying when here my little girl is
about to leave us? Oh, Mallory, forgive me. I was the one
who put the bomb in the trunk of the Mercedes
which killed Jose Delgado. <i> [audience laughter]</i> It's my fault his family now
seeks you for revenge. [recorder clicks] - I knew it was you. This man is actually
a taco vender, and this tombstone is made
of candy. Thank you, mother. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - It's as much as I deserve,
not that it matters any more. - Oh, here we go. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I don't expect any of you
to believe me, not after all of this, but it
doesn't change the fact that I've been ill
for some time. I don't expect I'll live to see
the next week. - Mom, this isn't going to work;
we're not idiots. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I know you're not. I raised such clever children. - Knock it off, Mom. - Just look at us all! The stealing and the lies. I let you down, didn't I? I was never there
for you enough. - Honey, we're not
buying this, right kids? - I've been a poor excuse
for a mother. - Mom! - Oh, Mom, it's not your fault. - He's right. If anyone's to blame here,
it's me. For twenty years, I've been the right hand man
of the Delgado family. <i> [audience laughter]</i> I've put this on all of us because I wanted to take
over the crime ring. - Huh. [recorder clicks] <i> [audience laughter]</i> And now I have the proof. Thank you, sweetheart. - So, to be clear,
no one is actually dying. - No, I ran a marathon. <i> [audience laughter]</i> Okay, I suggest that we never
speak of this night again. If the Delgados hear
any part of this story, you know what will happen
to each of us. [recorder clicks] <i> [audience laughter]</i> - [Mexican accent]
I know exactly what will happen, for I am Jose Delgado! <i> [thunder rumbles]</i> <i>[audience cheering and laughing]</i> - Impossible!
I thought you were dead! - No, I am afraid
I am very much alive, but sadly, I only have
a few more days to live. <i> [audience cheering]</i> Narrator:<i> This story
happens in a horrible place</i> <i> where it's always Nebraska
but never Christmas:</i> <i> Nebraska.</i> ♪♪ <i> This is Mr. Smith.</i> <i> It's his birthday, so he's
sending out invitations,</i> <i> and this is his son, Johnny.</i> <i> It's also his birthday.</i> <i> In fact, it's the
whole family's birthday,</i> <i> 'cause the county hospital is
open one day a year,</i> <i> and you've gotta
get the timing just right.</i> <i> This is Mr. Smith's daughter,
Martha May.</i> <i> And his wife, Mrs. Smith.</i> <i> She can't talk, because
she was jinxed as a child.</i> - Jinx! - Who are you inviting
to the party, Pa? - My brothers. - But Pa, they're evil! - They always try to kill us
and steal the farm! - They are your kin,
and it's their birthday, too! ♪♪ - But Pa-- - Not one more word, Martha May! You're in enough trouble
already. Narrator:<i> Martha May had
recently become a Democrat,</i> <i> which broke her father's heart
and Nebraskan law.</i> - Now, where was I? ♪♪ [honking] - Greetings, brother. We're here to-- ♪♪ Not kill you. - Now, what'd I tell you? Come on in! Narrator:<i> Mr. Smith's
brothers had all tried</i> <i> to become farmers, but missed.</i> <i> Law farm.</i> <i> So, they've all been jealous
of him</i> <i> ever since he got
the farm, and the girl.</i> <i> The only girl in Nebraska.</i> - Well, brother, we've just been
dyin' to see you all. - Yes, the wait has
been killin' us! -<i> Now we're</i> getting
all choked up. -<i> We are going
to</i> murder you. [music stops] - I don't know that expression. - So, brother,<i> I understand</i> <i>that</i> your offspring has brought
shame upon the farm, mingling with liberals
and what not. - I bear no blame for that. <i> Martha May is only
a Democrat</i> <i>because</i> Mrs. Smith and I carry
the recessive gene. - And 'cause times
are a-changin'! - Oh, hush. Nebraska ain't even
got any Democrats on the ballot! Narrator:<i> But if there were,
she would've voted for them</i> <i>if she were old enough to vote,
and women could vote.</i> -<i> Well uh</i> , we should all go
wash up before eating. [chairs slide] [saloon piano plays] - All right, boys,
here's the plan: I'll poison 'em
with these pills. - Then I'll hit them
with my bat. - And then, once they're
dead, I'll sue them! - Y'all need some ants? - No one needs your ants. <i> Now it's settled, then.</i> Today, we kill them all
and the farm will be ours. [laughing] -She's trying
to say something! ♪♪ - What is it, girl? What's wrong? ♪♪ - I know! Text it to me! [phone clicking] [vibrations] - [gasps] Martha May was right! Except about global warming. <i> Family,</i> defend this farm. ♪♪ - Oh! ♪♪ [gunshot] Narrator:<i> Mr. Smith had
captured his three brothers.</i> <i> The farm was secure.</i> - Martha May, your liberal
cynicism saved our lives today. - What do you intend
to do with us? - We don't want the farm,
we just want the money! - That's what
this is all about? ♪♪ Well, heck. You can have
my subsidy checks. I don't cash 'em, 'cause money takes all the fun
out of farming. Narrator:<i> So, the Smiths
lived happily ever after,</i> <i> and the Smith brothers were
once again rewarded</i> <i> for bad behavior.</i> <i> There were no lasting
consequences whatsoever.</i> <i> The end.</i> <i> [audience cheering]</i> Jason:<i> Oh, wow,
this place is gorgeous!</i> - It is so much bigger
than I thought it would be! - Hey, we should take
a family photo! - Oh, good idea. This is a good spot. - Oh, excuse me, sir. - Yes? Jason:<i> Would you mind taking
a family photo?</i> - Ah, no problem. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you, sir. -<i> Sure, sure.</i> - All right, come on, girls. - All right, everyone
say Cheese-- Burger on three! One, two, three! All: Cheeseburger! - Oh, I think
you caught me saying burger, kind of an ugly sound. - Honey, it's fine. - Do you mind taking
one more photo? - It's not that big of a deal! - Look honey, I didn't travel
all the way to London to have a picture
of me making the most unflattering sound in
the English language, okay? - Sure, sure. Of course. Okay, everyone,
double cheeseburger! All: Double cheesburger! - Okay, I must have
not made myself clear. Could you choose a different
word besides burger? - Ah, ah. Let's try a few, then. -<i> Okay, all right.</i> <i> - Thank you.</i> <i> Thank you very much.</i> - All right, everyone, say wart! All: Wart! - Sweetheart, shut up. - Moist! All: Moist! - No! - Fungal! - Try again. - Leakage? All: Leakage! - These are everyone's
least favorite word! - Oh, I've got it! Everyone say ferdler-fer-her-
mer-fig-newton-mer-pee! [mumbling] - Okay. You are done, sir. - Honey, just chill out. - Why would you have us
say that? And why would you guys say that? - He told us to! - Oh, so if he jumps--
tells you to jump off a cliff, are you going to say [mumbling incoherently] - Honey, you are overreacting! - All right, look, sir. All you have to do is hold up
the camera and push a button. And all you guys have to do is
sit there and smile-- Oh, actually, the fungal one
turned out pretty good, so. [laughs] Natalie:<i> Great.</i> All right, sorry.
Cheers. - No problem. <i> [audience cheering]</i> -<i> Son</i> , could you come in here
for a moment? -<i> Yeah</i> , what's up? - Have a seat. Stacey,
your mother and I know that you've probably been
wondering why you look different from the rest of the family. - Dad, Mom, I'm 18 years old. I put it together
a long time ago. - Stacey,
you're not adopted. - I-- Wait, what? I don't know if you guys are
trying to spare my feelings or whatever, but have you seen
our family pictures? <i> I mean</i> ,
stop trying to protect me. - We're not. We're telling you
you're not adopted. You were, however,
switched at birth. - Yes. - What? - When you were born, there was a bit of a mix- up
at the hospital, so-- - Did the doctor just give you
the wrong baby? - Not exactly. I was-- I was walking out
of the hospital and I bumped
into this beautiful woman, and we both dropped
our babies. <i> [audience laughter]</i> We had a good laugh
over that. And, uh, when we
picked you two back up, we must have switched you. - Wh-- - Whoopsies. - How did no one notice
anything different? - We only had daughters
until you came along. We were a little confused,
but we figured, "Well, he's a boy! "He's not going to
be just like his sisters. Some things are going
to be different." - Not my skin color! - I know this comes as a shock, but if it makes you feel
any better, your biological mother
reached out to us as soon as she realized
there'd been a mix-up. - When did she realize it? - This morning! - What? How did no one
put this together? I put it together
when I was four! - Are you saying we're stupid? - Yes! - You make some fair points. - Okay, okay. I did not expect
the conversation to go this way, but even though you're
not my biological parents, which should be obvious,
you're still my mom and dad. - Oh, Stacey-Pacey, we love you! <i> My boy.</i> [doorbell rings] - Oh, that must
be your biological parents! - We invited them over
for dinner. - Son! - Uh, okay, what-- <i> [audience cheering]</i> Natalie:<i> Okay, guys,
what do you</i> want to do now? - Nothing. That's the best part
of Thanksgiving. - No, let's do something! Let's go around the room
and say what we're grateful for! [groaning] - I would be grateful if I didn't have to say
what I was grateful for. - Great, who wants to go next? - [gasp] You tricked me? - What have you done? - I'll go. I'm grateful to have
such good friends and that we can all be
together for the holidays. [all responding] Whitney, why don't you go? Let's go around the circle. - Oh, uh, okay, um. Well, I guess
I'm really grateful for my boyfriend, Adam. He's really sweet, and I'm just
the luckiest girl to have him. [everybody aw's] - Well, I am grateful for the
last Hunger Games movie! Did not disappoint. - That's a good one. - Um, well I-- - Uh, Mal, wait a second! I don't think Adam's done. - Oh, yeah! How could I forget. I'm also grateful for Natalie's famous
chocolate cream pie! - So I guess I'm-- - He's not done, Mallory! Whoa, cool it! Adam, is there anything else you would like
to express gratitude for? - Um, I am also grateful for the big game today. - You hate football. - Yeah I know, I just
couldn't think of anything else. <i> [crowd groans]</i> - Really? - You couldn't think
of anything else? - Puppies! - And? - Sunshine? - And? - The, erm,
dry erase markers? - Adam, I think
that Whitney is-- - Uh-uh-uh, no helping! - Ow. - Okay.
How about I go again? - I don't think that's allowed. - Ahem. Adam, I am
thankful for my sweet, thoughtful, amazing
boyfriend, Adam. - Thank you. [laughter] - Now, what are you
grateful for? - I can't really talk
with your hands like this. - What are you
grateful for, Adam? - I'm grateful I'm not Adam. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Oh, don't speak too quickly,
Stephen. Adam, my sweetest,
my dearest, my love. - I've already said six things. - Then say a seventh,
you lovely man, say it! - Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's okay,
it's just a brain fart. - I am so, so thankful
for Whitney's mom, who made me
this sweater. <i> [crowd groans]</i> - That's nice, that's nice. - Um, where-- - We're over, Adam! <i> [audience laughter]</i> [door slamming] - Adam, go after her! - Are you kidding me? I've been trying to get her to break up
with me all year. <i> [audience laughs and groans]</i> So, I'm really grateful
that this happened. Mallory? - Well-- Hey, hope you're enjoying
these family sketches! - Yes, and guess what? There's time to watch
more family sketches. Family, isn't it about... time? - I'm so sorry. - I just seamlessly
worked that around. Keep watching! <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Hey, Mom. - What is it, sweetie? - I'm just working on a school
project about family stories, and I was wondering if I could ask you
a few questions. - Sure! - Okay. Ah! First question is how did you and dad feel
the day I was born? - Oh, that was a great day. One of the happiest
of our lives. - Really? - Yeah. As soon as we came home
from the orphanage with you bundled in our arms. - Wait, wait, wait. Mom, did you just say orphanage? - Oh, it's not what you think. Your father and I were in the
Peace Corps at the time, volunteering
at an orphanage, and I went into labor
and had you there! - Wow. That's crazy! Keep going. - Well, as soon as we left, we knew we had to treat you
as our own. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Okay, wait. That sounds suspicious. Was I not your own? - Honey, you're not listening! You didn't let me finish. We had to treat you
as our own daughter. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Okay, how does that
change anything? - Because we thought we
were going to have a son! As soon as we got you, we knew
we had to change our thinking. - Okay, Mom, you've gotta speak
a little more straightforwardly. - Well, I'm being as
straightforward as I know how! Do you want help
with your assignment? - Yes, I'm sorry. Keep going. - Well, as soon as we got home, we immediately decided to thank
your previous family-- - Mom! - What? - I had another family? - Sweetie, you need to use
your ears! You're not listening! - Yes, I am! I am listening to
the exact words you're saying! - You know
we're very religious! We had to thank that family. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Okay, just how did you and Dad
feel when you brought me home? - Oh well, it's difficult
to put into words. You know how
Daddy Warbucks feels when he finally gets Annie? - When he adopted her? - Or when Pharaoh got Moses? - Also adopted. - Or when nobody
got Bruce Wayne? - Mother, who may
not be my mother! It really sounds like
you adopted me! - We did! - Okay, so you admit it! - We adopted you into our lives! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - You are so confusing! - I don't see why! The word adopt has
many meanings. - Ugh, can we just
finish this? I need to reevaluate my life! - Well, when we took you home,
it was a hard transition, since you didn't share
our genes-- - For the love, Mom,
I didn't share your genes? - No, genes! - We're saying the same word! - Our jeans, like Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I didn't share your pants? <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Our jeans, yes. Ever since your father
and I saw that movie, we always wanted to
share a magical pair of jeans with our entire family, but you
were still too little for them. - Okay, Mom, you are seriously
freaking me out right now. Am I, or am I not adopted? - You are! - In the trad-- In the traditional sense
of the word! - You're not! - Oh, Mom, this almost makes me
wish I were adopted! - Well, you certainly
don't share our jeans! - [screams] Forget it! Forget it. - What? Honey! - What was that all about? - I was trying to find a
way to tell her she was adopted. - Into our lives? - Of course! <i> [audience laughter]</i> Mallory:<i> I bet
that this is Grandma's!</i> Matt:<i> I know, I know.</i> <i> I can't wait to see.</i> Grandma, Grandma. Look what we found! - Oh, oh my! My old keepsake box! Why, I've saved a hundred
memories in this thing. - Oh, you know what, let me record this
for posterity. Okay. Okay, go ahead
and just tell us all about it. - Let me see here. Oh, my. Here's an old ticket stub
to the drive in picture show! That was the first date your
grandfather and I ever went on. - No way! - Yes. Oh, and here is the
key to our first apartment as a married couple. Oh, and lookie here! Our first dollar. From the first bank
we ever robbed. [music stops] - Say again? - Yes, those were the days. We held up every bank west
of the Mississippi! [recorder beeps] Your grandfather,
he carried the gun, and I became pretty handy
with a switchblade. That switchblade! Now, careful, Mallory. Now, you remember, <i> a lady is only as good
as her stabbing implement!</i> Here we go. [knife clicks] [thud] [laughs] I still got it! - Well, that was a fun,
if not unexpected story! Why don't we move on! [recorder beeps] What are these, Grandma? - Mug shots! Oh, yes, we were cornered
down in Mexico, and after three days of fighting
and unspeakable carnage, we gave ourselves up. - How long were you in prison? - Oh, not long. They had to let us go
on a technicality. - Oh. - But let me assure you,
we were as guilty as they come. - That's comforting. <i> - Yes,</i> but we saw our freedom
as a new lease on life, so your grandfather and I
decided to start a family. - Okay, see, that's-- - A crime family. - Okay. - Yes, we ran the whole
east side of Chicago, and we trafficked all kinds
of illegal goods, mm. And the things we had to do to
stay in power, hoo, hoo. Let me tell ya. Oh, there was this one time I had a snitch tied up
in the basement-- - Okay, Grandma, why
don't we skip ahead to the part where you and Grandpa
completely changed and became good
law-abiding citizens. - Ah, well, it all became
too much for us, all the violence,
and all the blackmail, and all the severed horse heads
we put in peoples' beds. It gets messy,
so we went straight, as they say,
after a few short decades. - We-- we're so proud of you. - Yes, your grandfather,
he became a schoolteacher and I sold pies out
of the house. I know that's not
as exciting as-- - Ah no, no, no, no. - No, Grandma. See, that's super sweet
and picturesque. Actually, when you tell
people your history, you really should just jump
to that part, okay? - Yeah. - Well, okay. Well, thank you dears. This has been quite a day. - It has. - Yes, I'm feeling kind
of tuckered out. I think I might
go and take a nap. Would you see that my switchblade gets
put back in the box? - Yes, I will do that. And I'll make sure
this stuff gets put somewhere safe and very deep. - Sweet girl,
sweet girl, Mallory. Matt:<i> Let us know
if you need anything.</i> - Oh, yeah. Maybe some Malt- O- Meal. - Okay. [knocking] - Godmother? - Dom Capestroni. - I've brought you the cash
for the goods. - I brought you the goods
for the cash. - Grandma-- I'm just slowly-- Okay. - There's something wrong
with that boy. Well, give my love
to your family, Dom. - Sure will. Thanks, Godmother,
you're the best. - Sweet boy. Buena noche! <i> [audience clapping]</i> -<i> Affectionate</i> nickname for
husband asked in a question? - Distracted affirmative answer. - Question about
whether or not you completed a mundane task. - Distracted affirmative answer. - Sigh. Follow- up question
about a small detail of the task to prove that
you actually completed the task. - Sudden realization
of what you are talking about. Quick excuse
about the small detail to hide that I was both
not paying attention and did not do what you wanted. - Accusing response. - Defensive answer! - Listing the times
you've behaved this way before! - Weak excuse! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Explanation of all I do
for you in a 24-hour period. - Explanation of all I do
for you in a 24-hour period. Pausing moment where I realize
I don't actually do that much. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Escalating tone
as I state my disbelief that you did not complete
the simple task from earlier. -<i> Raising</i> my voice
as I repeat my lame excuse for not doing it! - Telling you not
to raise your voice while raising
mine as well! Mallory:<i> Calling
for maternal parent!</i> - Ignoring my female offspring and explaining
how nagging you always are. - Equally ignoring her
as I gasp in disbelief. Mallory:<i> Yelling
for paternal parent!</i> - Continuing to ignore her and bringing up the fight
from the summer of 2002 where it was decided that you
were actually the one to blame. <i> [audience laughter]</i> Smugly inquiring
if you recall said event. - Reluctant acknowledgement. - Sports reference,
confirmation of points received. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Frustrated grunt followed
by a statement about your brain capacity. - Accidental agreement. - Parental guardians? Natalie and Matt: Frustrated
and questioning response! - Asking for permission
to do something you've already responded
negatively to? - Exasperated repetition
of daughter's name. - Focusing my pleading
on my paternal parent and changing
my physical appearance to remind him
of when I was a little girl. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Starting to side
with my daughter. - Negative response restating
my disapproval from earlier. - Statement
about how differently I will treat
my own children someday that will never
actually be realized. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Disbelief that you would take her side
of the argument over mine! Statement of finality
explaining I will not continue
this discourse. - Indifferent response. - Beginning my brisk
and dramatic exit. - Request to stop exiting. Question about dinner? <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Okay, guys. Thank you so much
for coming here tonight. Paul and I really appreciate it. - Michelle and I
gathered you all here because we have
a very big announcement. - Oh? - Yeah. - You guys are getting
a divorce, aren't you? - No, why would
we be smiling if we're getting a divorce? - Well, you complain
about Paul a lot, so I just-- <i> [audience laughter]</i> I figured you thought
this was good news. - No, okay-- - You complain about me
to my mom? - No, I don't! I mean, what could I possibly
complain about? - His hair, his job-- - Rhetorical question, Janice. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - So, um, if you guys
aren't getting a divorce, what's the announcement? - Well, Michelle and I-- - You're going to jail! <i> [audience laughter]</i> For embezzlement? Is it-- No, you murdered someone! You wouldn't! You killed the president? - Troy, what are you doing? - Sorry, I just wanted to
guess before you told us. - And you guessed assassination? - I don't know. You're always talking
about how you want to kill Paul. - Okay. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - How many people do you talk to
about me? - Not-- - See I knew you guys
were getting a divorce. - No one is getting
a divorce, Mom, or going to jail for any reason! - Guys, he's right. Because we're going to have
the best attorneys in the business, right? - I don't know, they could get
Paul for perjury. He's been lying
since he was a kid! - What? You mean when
I was four and said that the dog drew on the wall? [gasping] - You see, Mom, he admitted it! I've been telling my friends for
years that our dog could draw. I look like a fool! -<i> Okay</i> , calm down, okay? Paul doesn't lie, right Paul? - Lie, son, lie. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - George, they are one screw-up
away from getting a divorce! - Come on! We brought you here
for a happy reason! - Yeah! -<i> You're</i> getting married! [all cheering] - We got married. Five years ago. You were all there! You officiated! - Oh, yeah. I'm not sure
I was licensed at the time. -<i> What--</i> Are you saying
we might not be married? - Oh, good. Then you won't need a divorce. - No, no wait, no, I can marry you anywhere
'cause I'm a boat captain. -<i> You own</i> a canoe. - Yeah, a canoe boat. - Oh, I can't believe this. - Okay, guys, please,
just stay with us, alrght? This is supposed to be
a special moment for us, so please stop shouting out
all of your-- - You're moving to France? - Is someone dying? - Gambling addiction? - You're getting married
for reals this time! - Oh my goodness,
this is ridiculous. - Well, since
we're all just sitting around, we actually have some
news: we're expecting! [cheering] - We should probably
get married again, just to be sure. - Yeah. - Okay. <i> [audience cheering]</i> Whitney:<i> Okay, honey.</i> Here you go! Happy anniversary! - I thought we weren't going
to exchange presents until tomorrow. - I couldn't wait. - As usual. [laughter] - Are you serious? - Yes. - This isn't a joke? - Nope. Are you happy? - No. - What? <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I want to go to Africa. - You want to go to Africa? - Well, no, not really,
but now I can't! Not with a kid. - So, what, you don't want kids? -<i> No.</i> - A- ha! - What "A-ha"? - I knew you didn't want kids! Every time I talked about it,
you were always like, "Oh, kids. Oh, well,
whatever you like! Oh, let's watch Lost
on Netflix," but a-ha! -A-ha yourself! - Don't a-ha me! - I knew you wanted kids, Miss
"I don't know if I want kids, "and also, I watch Lost
without you and then I rewatch it
just to humor you!" - A-ha! - What? - So you did know
that I wanted kids, and that I already know
the ending of Lost! - A-ha! I knew you knew I knew
you wanted kids and I don't! - Well, let me tell you
something you don't know. - Oh, it better not be
the ending of Lost. - I'm not pregnant! - What? - Huh? - You faked a pregnancy test? I was really excited. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - You want kids? - Yes! The world needs more versions
of me running around! - Honey, I'm so sorry. I don't want kids. - A- ha! - A-ha! - A- ha! - [screaming] What is happening? - I don't know! I'm so lost. - You wanna watch Lost? - Yes! You wanna have kids? - Yes, you? - Yes! - Now I wish I were pregnant. - You are! - What? - I took your blood
while you were sleeping! [laughter] - We need
to communicate better. - Let's finish Lost first. - Okay. <i> [audience cheering]</i> Stephen:<i> Almost done!</i> - It's beautiful! Wow, this nursery
is really coming together. - Yeah, now all we need
is a little baby to put in it. - Oh, you're going to be
such a good dad. - Yeah? - Yeah. You're going to be
so loving and fun. I can just imagine you
coming home from work and popping your head
in the kids' room while they play
with their friends from school. - Oh, they're gonna
have lots of friends. - Yeah, and then you'll make
one of those dad jokes and say, "Better not be
having too much fun in here!" and then they'll roll their eyes
and then they'll say, "Dad, you're so weird." - You're going to be
such a great mom-- - And then I'll come in and say, "Don't you talk to your
father that way!" <i> [audience laughter]</i> - See you're going
to be the funny one! You're gonna-- - And then they'll say-- - Some joke. - "Dad was making a dumb joke," and I'll say,
"Did I teach you disrespect?" <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Funny! - And then you'll say, "Relax,
they're just being kids," and I'll say, "What do you know? You're gone half the day
at a dead-end job!" <i> [audience laughter]</i> - This is getting hurtful. - And then you'll say,
"I put bread on the table!" - Do I talk like that? - And then I'll say, "Doesn't matter, because little
Henry is gluten intolerant!" - Why would you curse
our son with that? - And then there's
a knock on the window, and lo and behold, it's
our nosy neighbor Mrs. Albright! - Who? - And then she'll say, "Getting a little noisy again,
neighbors," and I'll say,
"Don't even start, Cheryl, " 'cause I have two mortgages,
hips that won't stop growing, "and don't think I've forgotten
about our bidding war for that black market
Hungarian baby!" <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Have you been watching
Lifetime movies again? - I thought I could handle it. - Oh, come here. <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Amanda and I just want
to thank you all for braving the snow to come celebrate
our wedding today. - Cut the cake! [chanting begins] - Here we go. [cheering] - Sweetheart, did you remember
to get a sugar-free cake, too? - Oh, the bakery
didn't make sugar-free cakes. - Why would you do that? - I didn't think
it'd be a big deal! He's a full-grown man,
he hasn't had sugar for years! - You know nothing! Wait, don't eat the cake, Kyle! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - What's wrong, babe? - What have I done? [screaming] - Blessed sugar! My white granulated friends! - Are you feeling okay? [screaming] - Isn't it so good? I feel like I can do anything,
like pay two mortgages, work at a law firm,
raise our family of six, and be a spider monkey! [screaming] - Barbara, he's eating my face! - It's okay,
this has happened before! Just play dead! - Bringing a gift
for my favorite-- Oh, not today. Kyle, restrain yourself,
or I'll be forced to take the-- - Rice! [screaming] - Where did you get
that hat? I thought we burned it
years ago! - That was a decoy! I keep the real one in my sock! <i> [audience laughter]</i> I propose a toast! Where does the term
toast come from? Should we all be raising
slices of bread? How do you drink toast? If I could liquify toast
and drink it, I would say,
"To the end of forever!" [glass shatters] - That was actually
a really nice toast! - Honey,
we have to do something! - Where's the getaway car? - We have a horse-drawn sleigh! - Even better! When the horses break down, we can use them
as alternative sources of food! - You're a monster! - It's time for the first dance! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Honey,
we need to do something. - I 'm sorry, just this is the only time
they'll have a first dance. - Stay focused! - Okay. - Kyle, don't you dare lick
that ice sculpture! - Kyle! - Kyle! No! It's your wedding day, man! You have a PhD! - [laughing] My tastebuds are gone! Ice! [screams] What dark magic is this? [singing]
Never-ending chocolate! - Kyle, no! It's too much,
you may never come back! -My life has led me
to this moment! [screaming] - Not the fondue, Kyle! [screaming] - I feel so alive! Merry Christmas to all,
and to all, Reese's Pieces! [screams] - Maybe Kyle and I would be
better off adopting. - Kyle was adopted. - I was? [screaming] Cool, now I have two moms! <i> [audience cheering]</i> ♪♪ James:<i> Hey,</i> Matt. Party's going pretty good. - You kidding me? It's my first guy-girl party and no one's even talking
to each other. - Yeah, I'm gonna go. Aubrey Parker's having a
party, and she's, like, cool. Natalie:<i> Did someone
say</i> cool? -<i> Hey kids,</i> we brought you
some popular hip hop music! - 'Cause we're the cool parents! Both: Whoop, whoop! - Mom, Dad,
what are you wearing? - We went to the mall! - The girl who helped us
had a nose ring! - Why are you here? - We heard your party
wasn't going very well, and we came to help. - What? Where'd
you hear that? - Homeslice Mr. Allred here
posted it on his Tweeter wall. - Hashtag not a cool party,
hashtag this guy, hashtag why does
their house smell so weird; can they not find their cat? [laughing] - The hashtag is a pound sign! Both: Whoop, whoop! - Please just go upstairs! - Not before we participate
in some snapchatting! - Yeah! Matt:<i> That's not
what that means!</i> - Hey kids, how's it going? - Hi, did you hear Beyonce's
with Jayz and they have a blue baby? - And Jimmy Fallon's
eyebrows are on fleece! - Oh, hun,
you're so on the point. - Cool parents! Both: Whoop, whoop! - Oh, will you take a picture
of us for our instant gram? - Sure. - Let's make a duck face. [quacking] - 7:52. - What? - It's the official time
of death of my social life. - Nailed it, hun. - Thanks, babe. Let's post it
to my picture feed. Oh, look at all the hearts
I'm getting! - Mom, that's not
a picture of you, that's my before picture
from P90X! - Oh, my bad, homes. - I look so weak! - Are you sure
that's your before pic? - Okay. Please, please, just go. - But, but we know
all the latest celebrities! - Ra-hanna! - Jonathan Depp - Ke-dollar sign-Ha! - Ke$ha? - And Mr. Ryan Go-sling! Hey, girl person! - I know that me-me. - Cool parents! Both: Whoop whoop! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Hey, kids,
let's get some dancing going! I've got the moves
like Mr. Mick Jagger! - Now watch her whip! Now watch her neigh -neigh! [neighs] - No, Mom, Dad, that's enough! You're making this party lame! - Lame? But we're the-- - Cool parents? Both [sadly]: Whoop, whoop? - No! No whoops, alright? You are not even remotely
cool parents. [groaning] - All right. Hurtful. But if you-- if you want us to go,
then we'll go. - Thank you. - To Aubrey Parker's party! - Who's with us? We'll buy ice cream! All: Whoop, whoop! - Hey, Mrs. B,
do the neigh-neigh! [neighs] <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Okay, good job, mom! I'm just going to take her for a
second and get her cleaned up, and we'll be right back! Congrats, you guys! - Thanks. - I can't believe we're parents! - I know! She's ours. We get to keep her! - Yeah, and-- Okay, can you imagine
how cute it would be if her and the boy across the
street got together one day? I mean, he's only six months
older, it would be perfect! - Oh, my goodness! What if they got married? -<i> It'll end</i> in divorce. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Mom, why would you say
a thing like that? - I know you're excited
planning her future right now, but you need to be ready
for reality, sweetheart. - Carla, we invited you here
for support. - Yeah. - John, the reality is that that
baby's divorce is inevitable! The neighbor boy will stray. - Okay, he's six months old. - Yeah, and we just had our
daughter 30 seconds ago. Let us have this. - Oh, she could be a doctor,
or an astronaut-- - A sad trailer park lady? - No. <i> [audience laughter]</i> A mother of three at 18? - That is not what she will-- - A schizophrenic hobo who makes
dolls out of her own teeth. - Mom! - Sweetie, you need to be ready
for the world! I know,
I raised seven children. - Carla, please. - Listen, right now,
she's a sweet little baby. But soon, she'll be
in elementary school. - And she'll be sweet then, too. I can just see her
running around the playground, chasing little boys-- - Yea, yeah. And when she throws
a rock at one of them, one of them,
the retina will detach, and he'll never see
a playground again! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Let's focus
on the positive, please. - You're right. I've been too harsh. I'm sure she'll turn out fine. After her teenage years,
and her 20s, and her 30s, and most of her 40s. - Okay. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - She'll end up in lady prison. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Grandma,
did I invite you here? - You did. - No, I didn't! - Okay. - What are you doing here? - It's not until your babies
get to their middle ages like your mother here
that they really start snapping. Whatever's lurkin' in that
baby's just waiting to come out, and when she turns 50,
bam, she's a killer clown! <i> [audience laughter]</i> Flying elephants up
into her hot air balloon and dropping them
on unsuspecting wheelchair kids! - Mom, you're senile! - That is correct. - That reminds me. You better start putting
anti-aging cream on that baby right now, because if she's anything
like your Grandma, she's going to age like a prune
in a corpse's purse. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - Yeah, it's true. I'm 42. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - You're 89. - How dare you! - Mom, you are 89. - Don't talk back to me! - She talked back to you! [grunts] - You're evil, just like your
dumb baby's gonna be. - Okay, listen. She's a baby! She has a world of potential,
good and bad. - Yeah. - But we're good people. I'm talking
about me and John, here, not you two creepos. <i> [audience laughter]</i> - So, chances are
she'll be a good person, too. - Right. - You're right. We're sorry. - Okay, quick update
for you, mom and dad. Turns out your baby's
a horrible person. She bit off my finger. I am pressing charges. Hope she enjoys lady prison. - My mother's in prison! -<i> Not anymore!</i> <i> [audience laughter]</i> I'm taking this baby
and going on the run! <i> [audience laughter]</i> - I can't believe it! You watched the whole thing! - The whole thing. - Be sure to subscribe
and comment on this video, and, um, like our page. - Yeah, you could comment
something like, I don't know, family. Isn't it about... time? - You don't have
to comment that. Comment whatever you want. - But you should. Or hashtag it! Let's make this a thing. Let's make it trend. - Hashtag-- - Family, isn't it about...
time? - I don't-- See that's-- - It's gonna trend.
