Hi guys, welcome to our
superhero compilation. [Batman voice]: I'm Batman! Did we run out of
wardrobe budget? We did! Okay. We spent way too
much last season. I feel like this makes you a
little vulnerable to attacks, right? Fortunately, I
have abs of steel. I feel nothing. Thanks for the free massage. [laughing] Honey, I think it's
time we tell him he's not our biological son. We can't do that. Remember we promised we would never reveal
his real parents. I know, but I think
it's starting to have a negative effect
on our other son. Oh no, that's just a
little sibling rivalry. Are you sure? Of course I am. Boys, come down for dinner. How was your day, boys? Oh, it was all right. The President called
and had me prevent another massive
alien invasion so... Good job Clark. Well you know it's the same
thing every day for me. 'Cause I'm awesome. Well we are very
proud of you. Oh I also flew up into outer
space and grabbed the moon and moved it over to shield
us from a giant meteorite. <i> Good for you!</i> I know. Well how about you, Matt? Come on, tell us what you
did today, sweetheart. [mumbling] <i> What was that?</i> I made the track team. [laughing] Oh! Oh that is wonderful! Yeah, way to go son! Congratulations brother! You must be proud. My coach was impressed,
he said I'm really fast. Hey do you guys remember when
I was on the track team? The coach would shoot
the starting gun and I'd race the bullet? I always won. Yeah did you wear those
lame tights to the meets too? <i> Okay, boys, that's enough.</i> Hey maybe when I'm
done saving the Earth I can come fly on over to one of
your meets because I can fly! Clark! Well at least I don't wear
the worst disguise ever. News flash! Everyone knows your
secret identity. Yeah, no duh. You'd think I would want
to do all those things and not take credit for it? I'm not an idiot like Batman. [Batman voice]: Oh I wear the
mask to protect my friends. Oh my parents died! No, that's insensitive. Come on, Clark. Well at least when
he saves a city he doesn't knock down every
building in the process. Okay... That's a low blow. Maybe the "s"
stands for stupid. Ah! Maybe you stand for stupid. Dang it! Why don't you come on
up here little man and show me how tough
you really are? No, there will be no
hitting at the table. Don't worry mom, they don't call
me Man of Steel for nothing. [smack] Oh! Your pithy slaps are like
a summer's breeze. [smack] Sweet Justice League, how
are you hitting so hard? Kryptonite. Oh! That's it. I'm using my laser
beam vision and giving you premature male
patterned baldness. No! That's enough. Sit down! I didn't want to do this,
but your mother is right. It's time we tell
you the truth. Son, you're adopted. I knew it! I knew you couldn't be
my biological brother! Everything makes sense now. No Matt, Clark isn't
adopted, you are. What? What? You're both superheroes too? Everyone on Earth's a
superhero except you. Oh! Yeah! ♪♪ [ninja calls] Help! <i> ♪♪ The Justice Trio's
coming around ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Coolest super
heroes in town. ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Brain Attack,
he's the leader ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Of the team,
And yeah ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ He's just as
smart as he seems. ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Steel Blade,
he's a lethal force. ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Quick as a rabbit,
strong as a horse. ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Rotting flesh,
she has leprosy. ♪</i> [coughing] <i> ♪♪ The Justice Trio
will blow your mind ♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Just step back and
watch them fight crime. ♪♪</i> What a big hit. Mind if I help? Need a hand? <i> ♪♪ When it seems like evil is
going to win ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Discover the power
that lies within.</i> ♪<i> ♪</i> Going somewhere? Oh, that's my liver. Mind bomb. Earth slam. Make it rain, yes,
you're going to get it! Teleport. Punch of, whoa, I'm infected. Yay! We can be leper friends. <i> ♪♪ Justice Trio's
coming around ♪♪</i> <i> ♪♪ Coolest super
heroes in town. ♪♪</i> With your help,
we can-- Ah! Don't touch me,
I told you to wear gloves. They don't make
gloves for my nub. ♪♪ [action movie noises] Man, this movie is intense. I am literally glued
to my seat. I know. [heroic music] What? What are you doing? Teaching you to be more cautious
with your language, Sir. Whenever someone misuses the
word "literally", it is my job to
literalize their reality and restore balance
to the universe. Now, how does it feel to be
literally glued to your seat? <i> Weird.</i> Is this is any way comparable
to the feeling you get when the excitement of a film
makes you strongly desire to keep watching? No. Excellent. Thanks, Captain Literally! ♪♪ This book is so good, it will
literally fly off the shelves. ♪♪ Ah, we're married! I am literally on
top of the world. [Adam screaming] Where did you send him? I'm not sure, actually, I've
never understood that phrase. [sigh] I need some cake. ♪♪ [panting] It's a dead end! The guy and his thugs
will be here any second! It's okay, Veronica. I led us here for a reason. I have friends as decoys<i>
wearing the Batsuit.</i> <i> We should be able to escape
during the confusion.</i> <i> Okay.</i> Hurry. <i> Hide.</i> Okay, okay. ♪♪ [doors slam] ♪♪ I know you're in here, Batman! <i> If you give yourself up now,</i>
I promise I won't kill the girl. Come on, now. <i> Don't be shy.</i> <i> There, see?</i> That wasn't that hard,
now, was it? <i> It depends.</i> <i> Is he the real Batman,</i>
or am I? I'm pretty sure it's him. You're... <i> Significantly larger
than Batman.</i> Am I? Or is black just a
very not-slimming color? <i> Black is a</i> very
slimming color. I'm the real Batman! You-- Uh, you're smaller<i>
than I remember.</i> That's just because
you're really far away. I'm Batman! ♪♪ No, I'm Batman. Yeah, that's a woman. <i> [growls]</i> Could you at least tuck your
hair<i> into your suit?</i> <i> Uh- this isn't hair.</i> This is just a very
long neck beard. What? 'Cause I'm Batman! No! I am le Batman. That's a French dude. Pierre! Was the scarf necessary? Oui! Sorry<i> not sorry.</i> <i> Everybody shut up!</i> Because I'm Batman. Are you on stilts? You're already way
taller than me! I thought we agreed we were
all going to be on stilts. Why? I don't know... <i> Have the higher
ground to kick 'em.</i> Okay, enough! <i> Now, my boys and I are here</i>
to take out Batman, <i> and we obviously
know who it is.</i> Not after we shuffle around! Don't... <i> No, guys, this isn't--</i> This isn't helping. <i> [grunting]</i> Who's the real Batman now? You should probably
get some friends closer to your body type. [grunting] Amateur. ♪♪ [heavy breathing] I'm so glad we got out of there. I knew this wig would pay off. Desperate times. Wait a second. Are you letting a woman
get beaten<i> to a pulp?</i> Shh. Don't think about
that right now. Gotham needs us! Should I hail a cab? What? Should I hail a cab? Are you crazy? This time of night? Get an Uber! You can Venmo me back. Don't even worry about it. Sweetheart, um,
we need to talk. Okay. We found this pamphlet
in your room? I-- I can explain. Xavier's School
for Gifted Youngsters? Sweetheart, why didn't
you tell us you were a mutant? I don't know! I thought maybe you wouldn't
love me anymore. Wouldn't love
you anymore?! Sweetheart we couldn't
be more proud. Really? So, I can go to
Xavier's School? Um, well unfortunately
it's very expensive and private so we looked into some other
options for mutant schools. Really? There's more than one
school for mutants? Indeed there is! What? I am Professor Zlankmin. These are two
of my students, and we are here to
invite you to enroll in Zlankmin's Community College
for Semi-Gifted Youngsters. Mutant community college? Really, Mom? Just give them a chance! You don't even know
what they can do. Allow me to demonstrate
my powers, young lady. [sneezes] That's it? Your power
is sneezing? Yes, and every time I do, a
random person in the world dies. What-- Oh my goodness
that's horrible! Perhaps, but it's very effective
when fighting my enemies. Effective? There's like a one
in seven billion chance that it'll even
affect your enemies. Not in the spring, when
my hay fever acts up. I sneeze 12, 13 times. Divide seven billion by
13, and wooh! Them bad guys start to sweat. I'm not going
to this school! Okay, hold on. I'm sure this gentleman
has a pretty cool mutation. Yeah! Better believe it, bub. Actually you do
look really familiar. Are you that angry guy whose bones are filled
with adamantium? No, that's my cousin. My bones are
filled with helium. What? That's why I have
cement-filled boots. Otherwise I'd float away
like an angry balloon, so. Well do you at
least have claws? Better. Feather claws. They usually always
come out of my body. Are you crazy? Do you want some innocent
Chinese or Indian person to die? That's not racisit it's just
mathematically probable. Your school is full
of crazy people, okay? The only thing you
have in common with Professor X is that
you're both bald! Uh, I am not bald! Okay? Receding slightly? Maybe. But these lucious locks
are here to stay! Well I bet you
can't even-- Honey, are you okay? <i> Are you oka?</i> It's the hair. It has that effect on women. Are you picking up on
our teenage daughter? I get it. I bet you can't
even read minds! You're right! Because I have a
much greater power. I can interpret
people's minds by carefully observing
their body language. [chuckles] And I can tell that you,
young lady, are extremely happy about the
prospect of attending my school. 'Kay, this guy isn't
even a real mutant! Uh, yes I am! Prove it! See? Hey, hey, hey only 49% of
the population can do this, so technically that
makes me a mutant! [gasps] It's a miracle. That's messed up, bub. You lied to us, Professor Z, and
you will pay for that deception. [sneezes] Dad: Okay, how about we just
look into some online mutant courses? Mom: Yeah I hear Jean Gray runs
the University of Phoenix now. [sneezes] [screams] See? Asian. ♪♪ ♪♪ Let me show you a place where
everything's wonderful. ♪♪ We never lose a girlfriend. ♪♪ Where you got to be hot if
you want to fight crime. ♪♪ My hair, my abs. ♪♪ Sometimes life gets dangerous
when there's a new bad guy. ♪♪ ♪♪ But we're not scared
and I'll tell you why. ♪♪ JARVIS, drop a beat. ♪♪ <i> Oh, yeah.</i> ♪♪ 'Cause there's no world like
the Avenger's ♪♪ ♪♪ Where everything's
all right. ♪♪ ♪♪ You know the bad guy the
moment you see him. ♪♪ ♪♪ Always a man, and
always white. ♪♪ That offends me. ♪♪ When Justice
League comes round ♪♪ ♪♪ We know we'll
be preferred. ♪♪ ♪♪ 'Cause there's no
place as perfect ♪♪ ♪♪ As the Avenger's world. ♪♪ ♪♪ Little brother. Stop hitting yourself. ♪♪ Let me show you a world
that's always appropriate. ♪♪ 'Cause I got my special
stretchy pants. ♪♪ Where the only romance
I want is one dance. ♪♪ And he doesn't even get it. ♪♪ Where guys with
goatees are friendly ♪♪ ♪♪ And science
geeks are buff. ♪♪ ♪♪ No one needs a
secret identity ♪♪ ♪♪ Except Black Widow who
did some bad stuff. ♪♪ Shh. ♪♪ 'Cause there's no world
like the Avenger's ♪♪ ♪♪ Where there's not
much to avenge. ♪♪ ♪♪ Where radiation
poisoning's a good thing ♪♪ ♪♪ And your wounds all
magically mend. ♪♪ ♪♪ And we'll make
bank on heroes ♪♪ ♪♪ Whose names you've
never heard. ♪♪ ♪♪ No one else turns a profit
like the Avenger's world. ♪♪ [rapping]: Welcome to
a world of civilians who are all in mortal danger but
you never really see any die. A world where Tony
Stark created Ultron, 'cause things are so perfect that we got to make
our own bad guy. And yes there are some
problems with S.H.I.E.L.D. Not this shield. But their cover-ups are sloppier
than what's beneath this patch. Gross. So feast your eyes
on a world so groovy that a female superhero
could get her own movie. Guys, c'mon, you
all have your own. ♪♪ 'Cause there's no world
like the Avenger's ♪♪ ♪♪ Where no one's
really dead. ♪♪ ♪♪ We brought back Bucky Barnes,
Coulson, Loki, and Fury ♪♪ ♪♪ And fans don't
feel misled. ♪♪ ♪♪ And this movie's not out but
we've all signed for a third. ♪♪ ♪♪ So you can bet no one's
dying in the Avenger's world. ♪♪ ♪♪ 'Cause you can bet nobody's
dying in the Avenger's world. ♪♪ ♪♪ <i> Hey, Jason.</i> Hey, Stephen, how's it going? Yeah, great to
see you, buddy. You too. And your new wife! Congratulations, you guys. Thanks. Thank you. I'm sorry I never made
it to the wedding. I'm literally the worst
friend ever, right? No. [heroic music] [punch] ♪♪ No, I'm totally serious. I mean, I was
literally beet red. It-- ♪♪ Shade: Beet red. ♪♪ ♪♪ <i> Today on Citizen's Court:</i> <i> This is the
plaintiff, Batman.</i> <i> He says he worked for the
defendant for about a week,</i> <i> quit, and wasn't paid.</i> <i> Now he wants what's
coming to him</i> <i> including restitution
for damages.</i> <i> He's suing him here and now for
the money he's rightfully owed.</i> <i> This is the defendant,
Superman.</i> <i> He said the plaintiff was
supposed to fight crime</i> <i> and save the world.</i> <i> The guy hardly works and if you
don't work, you don't get paid.</i> <i> He also said Batman
damaged property</i> <i> and charged things
to the company.</i> <i> So if anybody's owed
money, it's him!</i> <i> The defendant is countersuing
for 1.2 million dollars.</i> All rise for the Honorable
Judge Maryland Dredd. You may be seated. We now open the case of
Batman versus Superman. Batman, we'll hear
from you first. Well, Superman hired
me to save Gotham and I worked super hard. Did you save Gotham? I did. So why didn't you pay him? Because he let an entire
city block get destroyed. Oh, like you've never
done that before. [coughs] Hypocrite. Well, he also made numerous
unauthorized purchases using business funds. Whoa, those were all
necessary for the mission. How is every flavor
of cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory
necessary for the mission? I had to make sure the
Joker wasn't poisoning them. Did you have
evidence that he was? I didn't have evidence
that he wasn't. Okay, Batman you
also claimed damages? Yes, you see I was fighting
crime in the sewers of Gotham and I broke my back. <i> Okay.</i> So you lost a fight? Uh, wait now. It was more of a draw. You see, I
broke my back, he strained himself
breaking my back, but it required a very
expensive surgery to repair it. I have the medical
bills right here. Um, that was a
pre-existing condition. That did not happen
on the clock. Oh, no. Talking about it is
making it flare up! Oh, it hurts! Oh come on! Ah! He's obviously faking it. And why didn't you come to me? I have laser vision! I could have literally
fused your vertebrae in the blink of an eye. Yeah? Can laser vision repair
what you did to my car? Okay. What happened to your car? Well, Superman and I got
in an argument and then he keyed
the Batmobile. Where was the Batmobile
when this was happening? Uh-- It was uh-- It was at Wayne Manor. <i> Wait--</i> <i> What was your car doing
at Bruce Wayne's house?</i> I was helping
him move a couch. Hah! I-- Can Mr. Wayne testify to
corroborate your story? Yeah? Can he? Yeah! I mean-- No. He's a busy guy,
but I'm sure he could. Oh, hello Mr. Wayne. <i> Oh, come on.</i> It's true. Batman was helping
me move a couch. Batman is an upstanding
citizen and an honest guy. Superman is a total jerk face. Your honor, we can obviously
see what's going on here. Thank you, Bruce. Oh man, what a
handsome guy, right? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. So Bruce Wayne
has been hiding under that table
this entire time? Yes. Uh, fair enough. Okay, let's hear your
closing arguments. Batman, you first. All right, let me just get
that from my briefcase. Yeah, why don't you have
Bruce get them for you? Uh, okay. I will do that. Just, hold on. Hey Bruce can you
hand me those up! Oh, oh, thank you Bruce. Your honor-- All right! Oh. Oh. These aren't my
closing statements. These are my poems,
but that's okay. I'll just read them. <i> Uh--</i> Rachel is red,
Joker is green-- <i> Oh, okay--</i> Sometimes in Gotham I
fight people who are mean. <i> Okay Superman,</i>
Superman, you go. Thank you, your honor. It is clear to me today that-- <i> Wait, wait--</i> Has anyone ever told
that with your glasses you look like Clark Kent. Wait a minute! I'd like to drop all charges. You have a twin brother? Why didn't you just-- Come on Superman! I thought you were strong! He can't even open a door! Dang it! Neither can I! Okay-- Hey, we're throwing
this case out. So, if we stick to the plan, we should be able to narrowly
save the people of Metropolis from the evil aliens again. All right. All right. So, we'll take off in
five minutes. Any questions? <i> No.</i> [clears throat] Excuse me, fellas. Oh, Wonder Woman. I came as soon as I heard. Last I checked, I was part of
the Justice League, too. How did you find out
about this meeting? We didn't post it
on Pinterest. How many times do we
have to go through this? I am just as much of a
super hero as you guys are. Really? We thought by now you'd just
want to teach second grade or something. Okay. Can we stop with the
generalizations, please? Frankly, it's pretty sexist. I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong. And being wrong is for women. Why don't you want
me to help you? There's going to be a
giant explosion, okay? It's going to be
really dangerous. Okay, who here can
withstand a nuclear blast. Yeah, me. Hey! I have other skills. Skill one, my parents
had a lot of money, they died, I inherited it. Skill two, Alfred. Skill three, my weapons are
way cooler than yours. They're shaped
like male bats. What? Batman. Yeah. Okay, my weapons are awesome. The lasso of truth is legit. Oh, that's a weapon? What else would I use it for? Dry our clothes on it? I have an invisible jet. Yeah, so no one can see
what a bad driver you are. It's a good plan. We just can't take you seriously
with your tiara and bracelets. They're bulletproof cuffs! But they only cover like two
inches of your wrists. Yeah, that's all I
need, Batman! [high-pitched voice]:
Oh, yeah. That's all I need, Batman. Oh, look at me, I get my
armor from Forever 21. [laughing] Oh! Oh. Say that again. I'm seeing bats. Yeah. I'm sorry Batman, I shouldn't
have been that hard on you. I'm sorry. I can't remember anything. Okay. [regular voice]: I mean okay. We're back in the game. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Here we go. She caught me
off guard, guys. She probably saw this
little kid in trouble while she was headed
to a shoe sale, and her adrenaline kicked in. That's what happened! You want me to do it again? No! Look, I don't know how they
do things where you come from. Where do you come from? You don't even know
my backstory? Yeah, of course we do! You had a poisoned apple from
your evil stepmother, who went to a ball, and
saved you from a prince. And a fairy. Clark. You're thinking of Catwoman. Oh. Sorry. [majestic music begins] No, okay guys. We are the Justice League. No matter how many
people we save, there is no justice
without equality. Testify, sister! Testify. She makes a great point. We have to treat
her as an equal. Or we'll have to
change our name. Um, can we not do that? I just printed out
these business cards. Okay, well, there you go. Fine. [alien noises] The aliens are here! Give me an hour,
I'll go get ready. [video game music] <i> Terrific combo!</i> <i> Time's almost up!</i> Dang it. <i> Player one wins.</i> Do you see that high score? I am literally the
last man standing. [heroic music] Not a man. ♪♪ Dude, what are you doing? Just-- ♪♪ Last man standing. [slap] ♪♪ [Batman voice]: Subscribe to
the channel of Studio C! More of the compilation is
coming up, but subscribe. Do it now! Do it! We managed to pick a few
suspects up off the street based off the description
you gave us earlier. Tall, male, dark
clothing. Right. Can you describe for me
again the situation? Yeah. I was just sitting in my car
when this dark shadowy figure pulled me out of it and then
proceeded to headbutt me. All right. Well if we've got him here we'll
make sure he pays for this. Blake, send them in. All right you all
know the drill. When your number is called, step forward and repeat the
phrase you've been given, understand? Number one, step forward. I'm Batman. Number two, step forward. I'm Batman. And number three,
step forward. Number three? Number three, repeat
the phrase please. Really? You want my say it? You want me to say it? Just say the words. Yeah, come on man I've
got things to do. Fine. [high-pitched voice]:
I'm Batman. There. Yeah, that's not
going to cut it. What? You got to be kidding me. Yeah, you distinctly
changed your voice. No I didn't! You did. I'm pretty sure
we all heard it. Yeah, so stop whining
and say it again. [goofy voice]:
Guys, I'm Batman. Again please. I'm Batman? Again. [high-pitched voice]:
I'm Batman. Quit messing around. I got to take my kids to
soccer practice in the morning and I don't want to
be here all night. Now say the phrase. Yo soy hombre del Murciélago. In English please! What? Just because I have
a little class? Number three, you
have no class. You are a lunatic
in hockey pads. I'm not wearing hockey pads! Why does everyone think
I wear hockey pads? Do I look like a goalie? No. I'm much more than that. I'm whatever Gotham
needs me to be. And that is? I'm Batman. That's him. Hey! You again! Natalie! Isn't it literally ironic how we
run into each other every day? [heroic music] Good sir-- Allow me to define
ironic for you, fellow. There's a verbal irony, dramatic
irony, and situational irony, <i> which is the one
you speak of.</i> That's the incongruity of the
actual sequence of events and the normal or
expected outcome of the sequence of events. So when you say that running
into your friend every day is ironic, it's not ironic,
it's just interesting. Irony taught! What? Who are you? I'm Captain Irony, here to educate the masses on
the use of the word irony. Hipsters love me. I have always wanted to know
how to use the word irony. <i> I never really meant
anybody that knows--</i> Shush. Wait! So you don't even have the
power to restore balance and your catch phrase
is irony taught? A captain without
super powers. Now that's ironic. No, it's not. Believe me. Ironically, sometimes I think
it'd be nice to not have powers. Did you just hear yourself? You just put the
word ironically in front of a totally
unrelated sentence. That's like saying ironically
the ocean is neat! You know what's ironic? A captain who's a
woman, am I right? Oh, that's so funny to me. Really? No. I was being ironic. Irony taught! Well, Captain Irony. I'll have you know I got my real
powers from a nuclear blast. [groans of pain] Who are you? The Nuclear Ninja. I just punch people who
mispronounce the nuclear. <i> How are you doing, sir?</i> Well despite your best efforts
I'm still doing really good. Are you doing good? Or are you doing well? [both]: Good and well
are different! [smack] [smack] Oh come on guys! You're even more ridiculous
than the Nuclear Ninja dude! [groans of pain] Had to be done. ♪♪ All right, gentlemen. Radar shows that the
perimeter's been breached. Any minute now, the secret agent known
only as Lady Shadow will fall right into our trap. After tonight, she won't be bothering our
organization anymore. [helicopter whirring] This is it. Get into positions. Lady Shadow. Looks like you've been
expecting-- We've been expecting-- Dang it. And here I am. Unarmed. Well, that's going to make it
difficult to get this, isn't it? The missile defense secrets. Indeed. Now, we're bringing you in. I'd advise you not
to make trouble. What's the fun in that? Try not to hurt her
too much, boys. I want her alive. Have it your way. I'm going to enjoy this. What's the matter, boys? You forget how to fight? Lady Shadow. Are you sure you should be
exerting yourself right now? Are you scared? Well, yes. Not surprised, I often
have that effect. I'm not sure you're having the
effect that you think you are. What's that supposed to mean? Well, maybe you'd just like
to come along peacefully, we can offer you a nice bed,
maybe an obstetrician. If you're trying
to distract me, it's not going to work, okay? I'm going to take out
each one of your men and then save you for last. <i> Okay get her,</i> but gently. Okay. Oh. Oh, oh no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ninja star. Oh, oh you got me. Coming for you. All right. That's not advisable. One more time. Premature, oh,
yep, okay. That was the
longest fight ever. Okay, maybe you
should sit down. Maybe you should. Okay, Lady Shadow. Please-- I just-- Let-- Okay, nice dodge. Okay, I don't want to hurt
you, Lady Shadow. Suits me just fine. No. Have it your way, I get it. I'll do this. Oh man, is there like
zero oxygen on this dock, or is it just me? Okay, you need to rest. I could really go for some
hot wings right now. But not until I
get that disc. No match for my cat-like
reflexes, I see. [grunting] Lady Shadow, okay. [struggling] Okay, you won this round. Where's the bathroom? It's back there. Thanks. Please Greed Man,
just let me go. I don't have anything
that you want. That's where you're
wrong, missy. [evil laugh] What are you talking about? Ironically, working
in my laboratory, the nuclear weapon is<i>
finally complete,</i> after it had been working
good in my laboratory for hours. <i> I am literally tickled</i>
thinking about it. [evil laughter] [clatter of a door] Who's there? Captain Literally. Captain Irony! Nuclear Ninja. The Good and the Well Duo. And Dangling
Participle Dude. Everything was wrong with
that sentence. So, wait-- Who are you? Dangling Participle Dude. Everyone's heard of him, but no one actually
knows what he does. Whatever. You broke all the rules, so
now you're going to pay. There was nothing ironic about
the sentence you just used. You just tacked the word
ironically in front of it. Irony taught! You said good-- When you should
have said well. [both]: Good and well
are different! [smack] [smack] [laughter] There! Literally tickled. Balance restored! Bro, your participles were
dangling all over the place. <i> Dangle shamangle.</i> Seriously? Is that all you guys do? [laughter] You guys are pathetic. You ever mispronounce the word
nuclear again,<i> you will suffer.</i> Because I'll punch you again. Whitney:<i> Wait!</i> I think he's still<i>
conscious back there!</i> Aren't you going untie me? Oh, yeah, we're not really
those kinds of superheroes, but if you ever have an
egregious grammatical error, we'll be there! He's waking up! [screaming] [heroic music] Thanks. It's been confirmed. She's arriving. Okay, double the
guard at the gate, and make sure to secure
all the important items. [helicopter whirring] Didn't mean to
interrupt the party. Lady Shadow. Still after the missile
defense secrets, I see. Thought you were dead. Sorry to disappoint,
we were undercover. We? [helicopter whirring] Is that a baby? Shh. Keep it down. You'll wake Baby Shadow. Unbelievable. At least she's not
pregnant anymore-- What is she? Is she part rabbit? Time to dance, boys. How exactly do you plan-- Baby Shadow, now! [screaming] That child's skeletal
structure is still forming! Thanks! Be careful! Having a baby has only
made her stronger! And more unstable! Oh, she's pulling out a gun! No, no! Don't shoot! It's just formula! You really think I'd give
my child formula? I don't know! You had her dropped
from a helicopter! She rolled out,
according to plan. I got her! Baby Shadow, burp! [groaning] It's in my mouth. [sputtering] It burns. It's changing time! [screaming] It's in my eyes! Cloth diapers are
not absorbent! I'm out man, I'm out! You should have
called for backup. I should have called Child
Protective Services. Thanks for the disc. What, I thought it
was right in here. Aw, what? [sighs] Wait, but how did you-- It's Baby Shadow. That's her trademark. I fear for that child. <i> Baby Shadow, now!</i> [yells] So, I know I'm just
your substitute, but I plan on changing
each one of your lives, through literature. <i> Herman Melville--</i> Man, don't come in here and act like you know what it's
like to be in high school. This ain't Dangerous Minds,
or Freedom Riders, or Take the Lead,
or Lean on Me, or Blackboard Jungle,
or Music of the Heart, or Speed Boys,
or Sister Act 2, or Pocahontas! Yeah. <i> That's right.</i> Well, hold on. Just give this a
chance, guys. The thing that I love
about Herman Melville <i> is when you read his stuff,</i> <i> his characters</i>
literally come to life. [heroic music] The white whale! <i> What?</i> Where am I? [sneezes] Oh, man. I hate the spring. Yeah. My allergies are awful. It's literally like having a
flaming porcupine shoved up my nose. ♪♪ [screaming] ♪♪ Excuse me, I'm here to pick
up my weapons and hardware for my next mission. Good evening, Mr. Blonde. <i> Who are you?</i> I was expecting Q. I'm S. I'm Q's replacement. He's on assignment
with P and T. Pity. Well, you won't feel that way once you see what I've
cooked up for you. Very well, let's get started. I have a mission
in five minutes. Certainly. First, we have your gun. This looks standard
issue to me. You are mistaken. A sensor was put
into the handle that can recognize
your fingerprints, so only you can shoot it. Remarkable. Even better, it can
distinguish your emotions, so it can only be fired
when you're feeling calm. Pardon? You must be feeling calm
and collected to fire it. Why would you make
that for a spy who's under constant
pressure and danger? I'm never calm. Well, I assumed you wouldn't
want to shoot anyone when you're feeling cross. That's the perfect time
to shoot someone. Well aren't you disturbing. Fine, we'll press on then. Yes, minor oversight,
I'm sure. This is a fascinating
little gadget. If you click that
button there, it can detect the mobile
phone service of your enemies. If you click it again, it will
send them a text that says, Jim Blonde is coming. Get out your guns and hide. Nice flair, right? I'm confused. Does it also detect
their location so that I can find them? No, it just sends the text. Okay. Well, let's keep moving. What does this do? Oh, yes. That one is good! If you press that button there,
and put it in your pocket, it makes you give off
a very foul odor. Why would I want that? Your enemies will hate it! They'll be wretchedly
uncomfortable. I don't want to make them
uncomfortable, I want to kill them. Oh, yes. Then you'll love this! This is a simple poison. Three drops of this, and your opponent will be
filled with a murderous rage. And then they'll die? No. So they're filled with
murderous rage, but I have to remain entirely
calm to be able to shoot them. Yes, that made more
sense on paper. Okay. Let's just keep moving. What do you have? Okay. The Queen's face mask, so you can impersonate
her at any moment! But I'm a man! A formula that makes your
entire body glow in the dark. Why would I-- I want to remain hidden. Okay, an iPhone that explodes
when it's near your face. Good glory! Just here. A simple dagger. Something I know
will come in handy. Actually that's candy. Okay, S. Just one useful item
would be lovely. Okay, fine. Just cool your jets. Let me see what else I have. Aha! That's an orange. But is it? Yes it is. Okay! Well, Mr. Blonde, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't meet
impossible expectations. I think you're being a
bit of a dandiprat. I'm not being a-- You know what, just
give me the parachute. What parachute? Yes, I'm meant to jump out
of a plane in two minutes. Oh, yes! Instead of a parachute,
I made you these. They haven't been
tested on humans yet, but the orange
faired just fine. Are you mental? Actually, the
orange exploded. I don't know why I said that. Just give it to me. Thank you. This is Agent Nine to base. The threat has been neutralized
with faulty hardware. Mr. Blonde will be
dead within the hour. You know I still haven't
left the room yet, right? Never mind, I have failed. ♪♪ ♪♪ Looks like our dirty
Senator is right on time. Time for disguises. [makes peacock call] [yelling] Mine's too big
to be convincing. <i> Consider yourself lucky.</i> Maybe we should switch. [zipper noise] I don't know why we
thought that would work. Let's try this again. [makes peacock call] ♪♪ [punching] This person has the
weirdest body shape. It's like a triangle. Also I couldn't get
these small pants off. I didn't even try. <i> [makes peacock call]</i> [punching] <i> Finally.</i> Did you just knock out a
hobo and<i> steal his clothes?</i> Okay, I couldn't see. I don't have my glasses. But you can smell. This coming from a
man in a woman's top. What? [sighs] Aha! Nope. I just knocked you out
and took the hobo clothes. Do I need glasses? At least this fits. Mine, too. Should we just go in these? [makes peacock call] You know what they say. Thousandth time's the charm. Let's go. <i> [peacock call]</i> ♪♪ [punching] <i> Wow, I can't</i> believe these
uniforms actually fit. Let's go! ♪♪ The best part about
this stew is, you can't go wrong
with the add-ins. I've put in mushrooms,
asparagus, even sausage. I can literally put
anything into this stew and I'll still love it,
and you will too. [heroic music] ♪♪ ♪♪ Actually it's not that-- I can't believe she
broke up with me. I am literally crushed, Mal. I just wish I was
having a better day. It's official everyone. The word literally now
also means not literally. That is to say, metaphorically. Good show everybody! Congratulations! [thunderclap] ♪♪ What have you done? Captain, we simply
defined the word with-- [slap] Captain, it's too late. There's literally
nothing you can do. Oh no? When the world realizes
it now has a word that means what it means but literally doesn't mean what
it means, things will change. When the people no longer
bow<i> to the yoke</i> of Oxford, things will change. And when Rob Lowe's character
finally leaves Parks and Rec, things will change. And I will be there to
lead them, tirelessly, day and night until this
wrong has been righted. Or I can literally set
your cars on fire. Do you mean literally
or literally? ♪♪ He meant literally. [sighs] ♪♪ Jason Bourne. At long last. We've worked very
hard to find you. You're not in charge
of Treadstone. Who are you? KGB, NSA, DMV? No, no. We're just CIA
human resources. Frankly Jason, your behavior
has gotten out of control, so HR decided
to intervene. Hey! Is that Jason Bourne? Yeah, we finally found him. I got a big problem
with you man. I work in accounting. Do you know what percentage
of the CIA's budget is spent trying
to track you down? Huh? Do you have any idea? One percent? 50! 50 percent! You heard about the rover
we landed on Mars right? Yeah. Trick question. There is no rover. In fact, Mars
isn't even real. We just made it all up to cover
up the two trillion dollars we've spent trying
to apprehend you. Is this who I think it is? Oh yeah. Oh-ho-ho! I've got a bone to
pick with you, son! I'm in charge of
workplace safety. Do you have any idea what the biggest cause of
injury is for CIA employees? Paper cuts. It's you. You, Jason Bourne! You kill people with pens
and fire extinguishers and oscillating fans. Who knows how many people you
could kill with this snow globe. You better keep that
away from him. Yeah, that's a good idea. We even made this pamphlet. How not to be killed
by Jason Bourne, but they were discontinued after
you used one to kill somebody. Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr.
One-Man-Army himself. Did you know that
it's your fault that we can't take nail
clippers on planes anymore? Yeah, someone figured that since you once killed a
man with just a crayon, that nail clippers would
be like a tactical nuke for someone like you. It was a crayon
wrapper actually. Okay. And you know what? What about the liquids? How come I can only take three
ounces of shampoo on a plane? Because you once
managed to drown a man in four ounces of Listerine! How? How?! See those cranes
out that window? They're adding a new wing to
the Bethesda Medical Center named after you! For my years of dedicated
service I guess. Yes, and we're so
very grateful. No, you idiot! Because everyone in that wing
is someone who you maimed with, I don't know, an
origami assault rifle! Or whatever mayhem
you'll dream up next! <i> Hey everyone!</i> You'll never guess
who's in here. It's Jason Bourne. [all]: Oh! Our health insurance premiums
are through the roof because of you! Yeah, you know they
government tapping thing? Yeah, we were
looking for you. Yeah, and our agents can't get
visas to India anymore Jason! And I need my curry! Oh my word, look out! He's got a piece
of pocket lint! [screaming] How?! He stole my snow globe. [Batman voice]:
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