>>HEY GUYS! DO YOU LIKE STUDIO C SPORTS VIDEOS? THEN LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE RIGHT NOW, AND YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THEM. LIKE... >>SCOTT STERLING. >>DIVING FINALS, GUYS. >>DIVING FINALS. >>I'M IN A SPEEDO FOR YOU. I SACRIFICED A LOT. >>YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. >>THAT'S HARD. >>HEY, IT'S TRUE. >>I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS- I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS SPORTS COMPILATION, GUYS. >>CHECK IT OUT. ♪♪ >>WELCOME BACK TO THE FIVE-METER DIVING NCAA NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. OUR FINALISTS ARE BRYAN LANCE AND JASON GRAY. SHANNON, WHAT WILL THE JUDGES BE LOOKING FOR? >>PERFECTION, MATT. WHEN YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR, EVERY MISTAKE WILL BE PENALIZED BY THE JUDGES. >>BRYAN IS GOING FIRST. YOU CAN SEE THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS MOMENT WEIGHING ON HIM. BRIAN AND HIS COACH HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS DIVE FOR A LONG TIME. I BELIEVE THE TWO OF THEM HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE BRIAN WAS SIX. >>UH, YES, BEFORE THAT, BRIAN HAD A CHILDHOOD. [SPLASH] WELL, IT CERTAINLY WASN'T PERFECT, BUT NOT A TERRIBLE WAY TO START. YOU SEE HE DOES A GOOD ATTEMPT AT A FRONT ARM STAND SOMERSAULT, BUT HE DIDN'T HOLD HIS ARM STAND AS LONG AS HE SHOULD HAVE. AND NOT TO MENTION HE SPLASHED ABOUT FIVE DROPS OF WATER THERE, CRAIG NOT GOING TO CUT IT. >>AS EXPECTED, THE JUDGES WERE NOT IMPRESSED. DECENT, BUT IS IT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN? >>AND HERE GOES JASON GRAY. NOT THE FAVORITE BUT DEFINITELY A STRONG CHALLENGER. OH, AND THERE GOES THE TOWEL. HE'S USED IT AS A GRENADE. [SPLASH] >> THAT WAS AMAZING. >>THAT WAS LIKE WATCHING AN ANGEL GLIDE INTO A POOL OF COOL WHIP. [CHEERS] >>FANTASTIC SCORES, CRAIG. >>BRYAN SEEMS TO BE CONFUSED WITH HOW HE'S GOING TO COMPETE WITH THE FLAWLESSNESS THAT IS JASON GRAY. >>WELL, THERE ARE STILL FIVE DIVES TO GO THERE, CRAIG. ♪♪ [SPLASH] >>BRIAN'S BACKWARD ROTATION. I'VE SEEN BETTER. >>JASON GRAY ATTEMPTING THE CANNONBALL. [SPLASH] I HAVE NEVER SEEN BETTER! [CHEERS] [SPLASH] >>A LOT OF FLIPS. A LOT OF FLIPS. >>NOT ONE FOR VARIETY THERE. >>NO. OH, THE FLOATY! I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT USED SINCE '86. >>PERFECT CALL BACK. >>HM. >>[SIGH] >>OH, THE PIRATE WALKING THE PLANK! >>BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES, THIS HOWEVER BRINGS YAWNS TO MY MOUTH. >>INDEED. WHAT DOES HE HAVE THIS TIME? >>OH-OH! HE'S ATTEMPTING THE WRIGGLE. >>OH, WE ARE ALL WITNESSES! [CHEERS] FLAWLESS ENTRY. WELL, THIS LAST DIVE IS JUST A FORMALITY FOR JASON GRAY. HE IS SO FAR AHEAD IN POINTS HE CAN LITERALLY DO NO WRONG. >>UNLESS HE TRIES A BACK ONE AND A HALF SOMERSAULT HALF TWIST LIKE THAT FOOL BRYAN LANCE. [LAUGHTER] >>GOOD POINT, BUT IS ANYONE THAT STUPID? >>OH, UH- SORRY TO CUT YOU OFF, CRAIG, BUT WE HAVE JUST HEARD THAT JASON GRAY IS GOING TO ATTEMPT THE BELLY FLOP. >>FROM THAT HEIGHT? THAT'S SUICIDE. >>YES IT IS. BUT IF HE PULLS IT OFF, HIS COLLEGIATE LEGACY WILL BE COMPLETE. >>I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN WATCH THIS, SHANNON. >>YOU HAVE TO, CRAIG. YOU'RE COMMENTATING. >>OH YEAH. >>HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING THROUGH WITH IT. >>SHAKING IT OFF. OH, PERFECT APPROACH. THE CROWD HOLDS THEIR BREATH. [SPLASH] >>IS HE ALIVE? >>THE BELLY FLOP, THE MOST RESPECTED AND FEARED DIVE OF ALL TIME, HAS TAKEN A NATIONAL TREASURE. >>WAIT. WAIT! I SEE HIM MOVING! HE'S ALIVE! MICHAEL PHELPS, MOVE OVER, THERE IS A NEW KING OF THE POOL! [CHEERING] >>OH, MY BOTOX IS ALMOST LETTING ME CRY! [LAUGHTER] >>THERE HE IS, JASON GRAY THE NEW NCAA FIVE - METER DIVING CHAMPION! STAY TUNED FOR WOMEN'S BOWLING. ♪♪ >>DAD! >>I'M BACK HERE, SON. >>I GOT INTO A FIGHT AT SCHOOL. >>WHAT? >>I GOT INTO A FIGHT. >>[BREATHES HEAVILY] THAT IS AWESOME! DID YOU USE THE MOVES I TAUGHT YOU? I NEED A PLAY-BY-PLAY. >>WELL, FIRST I STARTED WITH THE BASIC CLOTHESLINE. >>OH, GOOD CHOICE, GOOD CHOICE. >>YEAH, I THOUGHT SO TOO, BUT WHEN I REACHED HIS HEAD- >>DID HE DUCK? >>NO. HE PUNCHED ME. >>OH. WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. DID YOU REACT THE WAY I TAUGHT YOU TO? >>YEAH, I FLAILED MY ARMS AND STUMBLED BACKWARDS. >>YEAH, ATTA BOY, ATTA BOY. DID YOU MAKE ANY DRAMATIC SOUNDS? >>WELL, I WOULD HAVE, BUT THAT'S WHEN I THREW UP. >>FIRST FIGHT JITTERS, HUH? >>WELL, NO, IT'S BECAUSE HE PUNCHED ME IN THE STOMACH. >>SON, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO THROW UP. >>NO, DAD, I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. HIS FIST MADE CONTACT. >>LIKE PHYSICAL CONTACT? >>YEAH, IT DIDN'T STOP. IT JUST WENT RIGHT INTO MY STOMACH. >>OH, ROOKIE MISTAKES. CLEARLY THIS KID DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT. >>I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I SAID, "HEY, WHO "TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FIGHT? YOU CALL THAT A PUNCH?" >>YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU. HE NEEDS TO LEARN TO BE MORE CAREFUL. >>YEAH, WELL, THAT JUST SEEMED TO MAKE HIM MORE ANGRY. >>IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S IMPORTANT TO SHOW ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS. NOW DID YOU MAKE AN ANGRY FACE IN RESPONSE? >>I DID, BUT HIS SEEMED MORE REAL THAN MINE. >>WELL, LET ME SEE YOUR ANGRY FACE. I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. >>YEAH, WELL, HIS WAS BETTER. ANYWAY, THAT'S WHEN HE CHARGED AT ME. >>OH MAN, THIS IS EXCITING! >>YEAH, I TRIED TO ANTICIPATE WHAT MOVE HE WAS GOING TO DO, YOU KNOW, SO THAT I COULD HELP HIM DO IT. >>RIGHT. WHAT MOVE DID HE USE? >>A PUNCH AGAIN. >>MAN, THIS KID IS NOT ONE FOR VARIETY. >>I KNOW, AND THE THING IS HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT. HIS FIST HIT ME AGAIN, RIGHT IN THE FACE. >>OKAY, WHO WAS REFFING THIS THING? >>NO ONE. >>NO REFEREE, AND HE'S MAKING PHYSICAL CONTACT? WHAT KIND OF FIGHT IS THIS? >>NOW I GOT THIS STUPID BLACK EYE. >>JUST LIKE THE TIME YOUR SISTER PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE. POOR GIRL HAS NO CONTROL. >>THAT'S WHY I SAID, "YOU HIT LIKE MY SISTER!" >>YEAH? WHAT DID HE SAY TO THAT? >>NOTHING, HE JUST STARED AT ME LIKE HE WAS CONFUSED. AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING. IT WAS HARD TO SEE THROUGH THE TEARS. >>THEN WHAT HAPPENED? >>WELL, I THOUGHT, "I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM HOW IT'S DONE," AND I SAID, "THIS IS HOW YOU PUNCH!" AND I HIT HIM THREE TIMES IN THE FACE AND ONCE IN THE CHEST, BUT HE HARDLY REACTED AT ALL. >>WHAT? DID YOU PUNCH HIM THE WAY I TAUGHT YOU TO? >>YEAH, I MADE BIG SWINGING MOTIONS, MADE SURE TO HIT MY FOOT ON THE GROUND AT THE SAME TIME, BUT HE DIDN'T MOVE AT ALL. WELL, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE. HE DID PUNCH ME AGAIN. >>ALL RIGHT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WHO IS THIS KID'S FATHER? I'M CALLING HIM RIGHT NOW. >>IT WAS JIMMY THOMAS. UH, IT WAS FRANK THOMAS'S SON. >>OH, I KNOW FRANK THOMAS. BETTER STAND BACK, SON. THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE PRETTY. FRANK THOMAS! I HEARD WHAT YOUR SON DID TO MY BOY TODAY, AND I'M HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE. AND WHEN I FIND YOU, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN! YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN A HOSPITAL BED FOR A YEAR EATING ALL YOUR MEALS THROUGH A PLASTIC TUBE. WHOO! [GRUNTS] WHOO! I HOPE THAT GOT THROUGH. [DOORBELL RINGS] >>HEY, MY DAD MADE ME RUN OVER HERE AS FAST AS I COULD TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEATING YOU UP. I'M REALLY SORRY. >>IT'S OKAY, SON. YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN TO BE MORE CAREFUL. IF YOU'RE GOING TO FIGHT, YOU GOT TO DO IT PROPERLY OR SOMEONE MIGHT GET HURT. >>HEY! I CAN PROMISE YOU, BROTHER, THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. JIMMY, LET'S TAKE A RIDE. >>WELCOME BACK TO OUR COVERAGE OF THE GAME OF THE YEAR BETWEEN YALE AND NORTH CAROLINA. >>IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE HAVE JUST WITNESSED AN UNBELIEVABLY WELL-FOUGHT MATCH TONIGHT. IT HAS COME DOWN TO PENALTY KICKS. PETERSEN FOR YALE TAKING THE FIRST APPROACH. OH! THERE IT IS! >>SPECTACULAR! NORTH CAROLINA'S GOALKEEPER, RICHINS, JUST LET ONE IN PAST HIM NOW, SO NOW THE BURDEN RESTS ON YALE'S SCOTT STERLING. >>HERE HE COMES. NERVES OF STEEL, THAT MAN. DEALING WITH MORE PRESSURE NOW THAN A SUBMARINE. >>INDEED. >>HOME CROWD SHOWING SOME APPRECIATION. >>JOHNSON PLACES THE BALL ON THE SPOT, GETTING READY. THAT MAN LITERALLY HAS A CANNON FOR A LEG. >>YES, HE DOES. >>HERE HE GOES, WINDING UP FOR THE SHOT, AND- OH! THE CANNON HAS FIRED AND HIT STERLING DIRECTLY TO THE FACE! >>WE CLOCKED THAT AT A STUNNING 116 KILOMETERS PER HOUR. >>NOW THAT'S A LOT OF MILES PER HOUR! >>LITTLE CHANCE THAT MAN'S NOSE IS NOT BROKEN RIGHT NOW. >>OH, INDEED. NOW STERLING GETTING CHECKED OUT FOR THAT ONE. SPECTACULAR SAVE, THOUGH, BUT SADLY, HE'S NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET. >>ON HIS FEET NOW, A BIT SHAKEN- >>BUT NOT STIRRED. >>[BOTH CHUCKLE] >>THIS CROWD ABSOLUTELY LOVES THIS MAN. >>AND STERLING'S TEAMMATES WELCOME HIM BACK A HERO FOR NOW. >>YALE'S UP AGAIN FOR THE SECOND ATTEMPT, LOOKING TO MAKE IT TWO - NIL. >>HE APPROACHES THE BALL WITH SOME DETERMINATION. HERE HE GOES- OH! >>OH, IT'S HIGH AND WIDE! WAY OFF-TARGET! >>YES, APPARENTLY HE THOUGHT HE WAS KICKING A FIELD GOAL. >>[LAUGHS] WRONG KIND OF FOOTBALL, I'D SAY. >>GOOD SHOW. >>BACK NOW TO SCOTT STERLING. HE LOOKS A BIT WORSE FOR WEAR, BUT READY FOR ROUND TWO. >>AND SHAW TAKES A MOMENT. HERE HE GOES WITH THE APPROACH! OH! >>STERLING WITH A FANTASTIC DIVE! THE BALL FLIES STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS HANDS AND ONCE AGAIN STRIKES HIM STRAIGHT IN THE SCHNOZ. >>AND LET'S SEE IT AGAIN ON THE OLD INSTANT REPLAY! OH! EVERY EXCRUCIATING DETAIL CAPTURED IN H.D. PERFECTION. >>CLOCKED AT 129 KILOMETERS PER HOUR. >>YEAH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. >>STERLING DOES NOT LOOK WELL. >>TWO WONDERFUL SAVES AND TWO DEFINITE CONCUSSIONS. >>THEY MAY REPLACE HIM AT THIS POINT. HE'S DONE ALL HE CAN. >>YES, AS HIS TRAINER TAKES HIM OFF THE FIELD LIKE A MUSTACHED LION DRAGGING A GAZELLE THROUGH THE SERENGETI. >>ADIEU, SCOTT STERLING. ADIEU. YALE NOW WITH THE THIRD P.K. RICHINS IS IN THE GOAL, BOUNCING LIKE AN INFANT GIRL. THE CROWD HOLDS THEIR BREATH AS HE GOES IN. HERE IT COMES! OH! VERY ANTICLIMACTIC! >>LET'S SEE WHO THEY GOT TO REPLACE- SCOTT STERLING IS BACK! >>HE'S STILL IN THE GAME! >>OH MY! >>AND HE'S TAKING A VERY ODD TACTIC NOW. >>SEEMS TO BE CURLING UP TO PROTECT HIS FACE. >>NOT EXACTLY A RECOMMENDED TECHNIQUE, BUT HERE IT- WAIT, NO, NO, LAMBERT NEEDS TO TIE HIS SHOE. AND THAT'S WHY YOU DO A DOUBLE KNOT, KIDS. >>STERLING STILL WAITING FOR THE KICK TO HAPPEN. HE'S PROBABLY WONDERING WHEN- OH! SWEET BUTTER CRUMPETS! >>MY GOODNESS! >>THE BALL GOT STERLING RIGHT IN THE FACE. >>THAT MAN'S NOSE MUST BE ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED! HE'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A WITCH THAT FLEW HER BROOM INTO HER NOSE AND THEN CRASHED INTO A HAMMER! >>I HARDLY EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS ATTEMPT. LET'S GO BACK TO >>[TOGETHER] SCOTT STERLING! >>THE MAN! >>THE MYTH! >>THE LEGEND! >>THREE PERFECT BLOCKS BY STERLING AND HIS CATLIKE FACE REFLEXES. >>ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, THOUGH I MUST SAY STERLING DOES NOT LOOK WELL AT ALL. >>WELL, YOU KNOW FOOTBALL PLAYERS LIKE TO ADD A BIT OF DRAMA, DON'T THEY? >>THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT. NO, WAIT! THEY BROUGHT HIM A CHAIR! >>OH, A BOLD MOVE BY THE MANAGER! BAIN SETS UP FOR THE FOURTH ATTEMPT- >>AND THIS, FRANKLY, IS A GIMME. HE LITERALLY JUST HAS TO KICK IT ANYWHERE EXCEPT WHERE STERLING IS SITTING. >>THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT NORTH CAROLINA CAN MESS UP THIS SHOT. >>[BOTH] OH! >>158 KILOMETERS PER HOUR! >>THIS MAN CAN DO NO WRONG! >>LOOK AT HIM BEG FOR MERCY WHEN IT'S MERCY THAT SHOULD BE BEGGING FOR HIM! >>HE HAS LOOKED DEATH IN THE EYE AND SAID, "TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT," TO WHICH DEATH REPLIES BY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. >>IF YALE MAKES THIS FINAL SHOT, IT'S ALL OVER, BUT NO! OH! HE MISSES, WHICH MEANS WE'RE GOING TO- >>[BOTH] SCOTT STERLING! >>HIS FACE IS LIKE A BRICK WALL! >>A BRICK WALL THAT CAN FEEL PAIN AND CRIES A LOT! >>BUT WHERE'S STERLING! HE SEEMS TO BE CRAWLING AWAY FROM THE GOAL! WHAT IS HE DOING? >>HE'S THROWING AWAY THE MATCH! OH! >>[SCREAMS] >>STERLING HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE! >>I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! LOOK AT THAT! HE PLAYED IT JUST RIGHT! WHAT INCREDIBLE INSTINCTS TO CRAWL AWAY FROM THE GOAL LIKE THAT! >>AND HIS TEAMMATES RUSH THE FIELD, HAPPY AS A LARK AS THEY SLIDE IN! >>A BERNINI SCULPTURE OF A FINISH! >>AS HIS TEAMMATES CARRY HIM OFF ON THE STRETCHER OF GLORY, WE THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS ABSOLUTELY HEART-STOPPING FINISH. >>SCOTT STERLING AND HIS FACE OF STEEL HAVE WON IT ALL. >>OH, HONEY, ISN'T THIS NICE? I WAS AFRAID WE'D NEVER GO ANOTHER ROMANTIC RETREAT AFTER LAST YEAR'S HOT TUB FIASCO. >>NO! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER USE THAT WORD! >>YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. LAST YEAR'S HEATED VESSEL FIASCO, BUT SERIOUSLY SO FAR THIS TRIP AS BEEN PERFECT. >>WHY WOULD YOU JINX US LIKE THAT? QUICK, KNOCK ON SOME WOOD! NO! IT'S METAL! COME ON! >>BABE! BABE! CALM DOWN, OKAY? THIS RESORT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF LAST YEAR'S RETREAT, OKAY? SO JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATHE OF FRESH MOUNTAIN AIR AND RELAX. >>[SIGHS] >>BETTER? >>BETTER. SORRY, I GUESS I'M NOT OVER LAST YEAR'S POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS. >>OW. MY POOR BABY! COME HERE. JUST REMAIN CALM. GOOD. YOU'RE DOING IT- >>WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? >>IT'S- OKAY, OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN, BABE! CALM DOWN, OKAY? HE'S PROBABLY JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, OKAY? I'M SURE HE'S STILL ALIVE. >>OKAY. >>SIR? SIR? CAN YOU- OKAY... >>SHAKE HIM. SHAKE HIM. >>OKAY, OKAY. SIR? WAKE UP, SIR! SIR! OKAY, OKAY. YOU WAKE UP, SIR. WAKE UP, SIR! WAKE UP! >>WHOA. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY! HE WASN'T DEAD BEFORE... >>OKAY, BABE. WE'LL JUST- WE'LL GO TO THE END OF THE LIFT AND WE'LL TELL THEM EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. THEY'LL BELIEVE US. >>HE GOT ON THE CHAIR ALIVE AND THEN GOT OFF DEAD. WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME? >>PEOPLE RANDOMLY DIE ALL THE TIME. >>YOU ARE PRACTICALLY HOLDING UP THE MURDER WEAPON! >>OKAY, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSE WE DO? >>WE PUSH HIM OFF. >>ARE YOU CRAZY? >>YOU GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS, O.J.? >>FINE, OKAY, BUT JUST DO IT QUICKLY. >>ME? YOU'RE THE ONE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. >>I'VE GOT ENOUGH BLOOD ON MY HANDS. >>[SIGHS] FINE. JUST- >>SWITCH ME. >>PUSH HIM BACK. >>OH MY. OKAY. >>SWITCH. >>OKAY. >>WHAT? OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. READY? ON THREE. >>OKAY. >>ONE, TWO- >>WELL HOWDY THERE, STRANGERS! WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF SEEING YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS? >>OH, IT'S THEM. OF COURSE IT'S THEM! >>CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN AN ENTIRE YEAR SINCE THAT HILARIOUS HOT TUB INCIDENT? >>[FAKE LAUGHTER] >>WHO'S THIS FELLOW WITH YOU? >>HE'S UH- >>OUR SON! >>THAT'S FUNNY, I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU SAID YOU HAD A 3-YEAR OLD. >>YEAH. STEROIDS. >>OH! [LAUGHTER] >>HOW YOU DOING LITTLE MAN? YOU HAVING FUN ON THE SLOPES? >>CAN HE NOT TALK? >>YEAH, HE CAN. IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S DEAD. HE'S- HE'S- HE'S RUSSIAN. >>'ELLO GOVERNOR! YOU MUST BE FRIENDS WITH ME MOM AND DAD! >>THAT'S NOT RUSSIAN. >>I CAN'T DO A RUSSIAN ACCENT. YOU KNOW THIS. >>THAT'S AN INTERESTING LITTLE ACCENT YOU GOT THERE, SON. >>OH, THAT'S BIG TALK COMING FROM AN UNEDUCATED HICK! LET ME GUESS, YOU TWO MET AT A FAMILY REUNION! >>WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN! >>BECAUSE RUSSIANS ARE MEAN! >>YOU GOING TO LET HIM TALK TO ME THAT WAY, HANK? >>AS WE SAY IN TEXAS WHEN YOU WRESTLE WITH A PIG YOU BOTH GET DIRTY. GOOD DAY TO YOU. >>HUMPH. >>ALL RIGHT, HERE'S OUR CHANCE, READY? OKAY, ONE, TWO- >>[SCREAMS] I WAS SLEEPING! [SCREAMS] >>HE- HE'S GOING TO BE FINE. RUSSIANS ARE TOUGH. >>OKAY, I PICK JAMES. >>OKAY, WE WANT JEREMY. >>YEAH. >>ADAM. >>YEAH. >>NICE. >>OH GREAT. SHAWN'S HERE. >>HEY, SORRY I'M LATE, GUYS. I'M SORRY, MAN. >>IT'S COOL. OF COURSE, WE'RE GOING TO WANT STEPHEN. >>ALL RIGHT. >>WE GOT STUCK WITH SHAWN LAST TIME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? >>COME ON, GUYS. I PROMISE I'LL TRY REALLY HARD THIS TIME. I PROMISE. >>OKAY, SHAWN, JUST TRY NOT TO EMBARRASS US, OKAY? >>YEAH. DON'T GET NEAR THE HOOP OR THE BALL. JUST MAYBE YOU CAN PLAY POINT GUARD OR SOMETHING. >>HEY SHAWN. IF YOU NEED A LITTLE EXTRA EDGE ON THE COURT, YOU SHOULD TRY SOME OF THESE. >>OH, I DON'T KNOW MAN. >>POOF. >>WHO ARE YOU? >>I AM YOUR SHOULDER- GOOD HEAVENS! >>I JUST CAME TO SEE IF YOU NEEDED SOME HELP BUT CLEARLY YOU HAVE EVERYTHING COVERED, SO, UH... >>ACTUALLY, NO. I THINK I COULD USE YOUR HELP. >>IT'S LIKE SOMEONE PUT A PAIR OF PANTS ON A LADDER. OKAY SHAWN, ALLOW ME TO JUST- OKAY. THE AIR IS SO MUCH THINNER UP HERE. SHAWN. JUST SAY NO. >>NO THANKS, STEPHEN. >>VERY GOOD, SHAWN. I'M PROUD OF YOU. I WOULD USUALLY JUMP DOWN AT THIS POINT, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BREAK MY SPINE. WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST SLOWLY...? >>OH MAN, HERE COMES YOUR MOM. >>THERE YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN. I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK. SHAWN, I DON'T DESERVE THIS, I, THE WOMAN WHO SPENT 36 HOURS IN LABOR BRINGING ALL OF YOU INTO THIS WORLD. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO GO AND PLAY BASKETBALL AGAIN, ARE YOU? SHAWN, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR EDUCATION SO YOU CAN TAKE OVER YOUR FATHER'S BUSINESS OF TEST DRIVING SMART CARS. WHY ARE YOU DRESSED THIS WAY? >>I WOULDN'T TELL THE TRUTH, MAN. >>OH, YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, STEPHEN. GIVE ME YOUR BODY. A LITTLE CLOSER. >>SO UH, WHAT SHOULD I DO? >>DON'T LIE. >>OKAY. MOM, LOOK, I WAS GOING TO PLAY BASKETBALL. I REALLY LIKE IT. >>FINE. BUT WHEN YOU GROW UP AND GET A REAL JOB, YOU'LL WISH YOU HADN'T SPENT SO MUCH TIME PLAYING GAMES. >>ALSO, I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING OUT WITH STEPHEN ANYMORE. HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS FOR A HEADACHE LAST WEEK. AND THEY WORKED, BUT I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 6 DAYS, SO... JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. OKAY. >>WHILE I'M UP HERE. IS THERE ANY OTHER MORAL DILEMMA I CAN HELP YOU WITH? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT CLIMBING BACK UP HERE FOR AT LEAST A MONTH. >>I THINK I'M GOOD. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, MAN. >>HEY SHAWN, HAVE YOU EVER VANDALIZED A BUILDING? >>NO! [SCREAMING] >>WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD FENCING CHAMPIONSHIP HERE IN BEAUTIFUL PARIS, FRANCE. WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL CONTENDERS, PIERRE DE DUEX AND BARTELLEMEO PALLADINO. IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE HAVE SEEN AN UNBELIEVABLE DISPLAY OF FENCING PROWESS TONIGHT WITH BOTH MEN TIED IN THE POINTS. LET'S JOIN THEM NOW FOR THEIR FINAL BOUT. PIERRE LOOKING TO STRIKE EARLY. OH, AND IT'S OVER! PIERRE DE DUEX HAS WON IT ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LET'S PLAY THAT BACK IN SLOW MOTION. BARTELLEMEO ADVANCES, PIERRE BACKING UP, AND NOW COMES THE CROSS, AND YES, SPARKS. YOU OFTEN DON'T SEE THOSE WITH THE NAKED EYE, BUT THANK GOODNESS FOR SLOW MOTION TECHNOLOGY. BOTH SABERS NOW LOCKED, AND PIERRE THROWS BARTELLEMEO ASIDE, AND WHAT'S THIS? YES, HE IS REMOVING HIS REGALIA AND TOSSING HIS MANE OF HAIR LIKE A LION. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, BARTELLEMEO RESPONDS IN LIKE MANNER. OH, AND SOME VERY NICE FLAIR RIGHT THERE. YOU HAVE TO LOVE BARTELLEMEO. PIERRE NOW BACKS UP, SIDESTEPS A BARREL, ROLLS IT FORWARD, BARTELLEMEO STOPS IT, AND YES, YOU PROBABLY MISSED THIS BECAUSE IT HAPPENED SO FAST, BUT A BANQUET HALL WAS SET UP DURING THE BOUT. PIERRE NOW ON TOP OF THE TABLE, FENCING AROUND THE BANQUETERS. BARTELLEMEO UPSET ABOUT THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE, LUNGES, OH! AND THERE'S SOME COLLATERAL DAMAGE. HE DOES APPEAR TO BE A MINOR CHARACTER, THOUGH, SO NO HARM, NO FOUL. PIERRE NOW JUMPS OVER THE SWORD OF BARTELLEMEO, VERY NICE, AND NOW HE SWINGS IN RETURN. BARTELLEMEO GRABS A WOMAN, NOT A MOVE YOU SEE TOO OFTEN ANYMORE, BUT STILL VERY EFFECTIVE. PIERRE JUMPING OFF THE TABLE WITH A VERY NICE SPIN. PIERRE NOW ADVANCES, FENCING AROUND THE WOMAN. BARTELLEMEO SPINS AND RECOMPOSES HIMSELF, AND OH, WHAT'S THIS? YES, YES, IT'S A FOOT STOMP, THE ONLY RECOURSE THAT DAMSELS IN DISTRESS HAVE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES. SHE FALLS INTO- OKAY, THAT SEEMS A LITTLE GRATUITOUS, BUT SHE ENJOYS IT, SO THERE IT IS. BARTELLEMEO, NOW ENRAGED, COMES SWINGING AT PIERRE WHO CASUALLY DEFENDS HIS PERSON WITH A CLASSIC MOVE KNOWN AS THE "I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO "LOOK AT YOU, AND TO PROVE IT, I'LL HAVE A DRINK" DEFENSE. VERY IMPRESSIVE. BARTELLEMEO, THOUGH, DOES NOT LOOK PLEASED, AND HE WINDS UP FOR A SPIN. SPINNING, OF COURSE, IS TACTICAL SUICIDE, BUT IT'S WORTH RISKING DEATH BECAUSE OF HOW COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK. BARTELLEMEO COMES OUT OF THE SPIN WITH A CRUSHING SWING, BLOCKED BY PIERRE. PIERRE NOW SPINNING IN RETURN, BARTELLEMEO JUST WATCHES, AND WHAT IS HE DOING? YES, YES, HE DOES IT! A CLASSIC MOVE. HE SLICED THE CANDLES CLEAN IN HALF. AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE. PIERRE NOW MOVING FORWARD. OH, BARTELLEMEO CALLING IN FOR SUPPORT. HIS CRONIES COME RUSHING FORWARD. PIERRE IS IN TROUBLE. HE'S TACKLED TO THE GROUND AND DOGPILED, AND NO, NO, HE GETS UP AND ALL GO FLYING BACKWARDS AS IS CUSTOMARY. PIERRE NOW DUELING THREE MEN AT ONCE. CAN HE BE EVEN MORE OF A MAN THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW? PUNCH TO THE FACE, VERY UNFORTUNATE FOR THAT CRONY, THAT MAN BACKED INTO A WALL, AND NOW ALL THREE MEN FOOLISHLY STRIKE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME AND PLACE. PIERRE THROWS THEM ASIDE WITH SEEMING EASE DESPITE THE OBJECTIONS FROM THE LAWS OF PHYSICS. OH, BARTELLEMEO NOW BOWING AND OFFERING HIS SWORD IN SURRENDER. VERY CLEVER- NO, HE HAS A HIDDEN KNIFE. HE SLASHED PIERRE ACROSS THE HAND, AND NOW HE'S TAUNTING PIERRE, POSSIBLY BY TELLING HIM THAT HE KILLED HIS FATHER YEARS AGO. VERY NICE DISPLAY OF CLASSIC VILLAINY BY BARTELLEMEO, WHO NOW SEEMS TO BE HAVING TROUBLE WITH A CERTAIN MOVE LIFTING A SWORD WITH HIS FOOT. HE IS CLEARLY NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. I THINK THIS MOVE MIGHT BE OUT OF HIS WHEELHOUSE. HE'S TRYING- THERE IT IS! BARTELLEMEO NOW BACK IN FULL SWING. HE ADVANCES ON PIERRE WHO THROWS HIM ASIDE. PIERRE NOW HAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GRAB HIS SWORD. HE COMES CHARGING BACK AT BARTELLEMEO. BOTH MEN NOW FIGHTING LIKE LIONS OVER THE LAST PIECE OF ZEBRA. PUSHING HIM BACKWARDS, PIERRE ADVANCES, AND NOW YES! THERE IT IS. THE STRIKE. THE POINT IS AWARDED TO PIERRE DE DUEX. BOTH MEN SHAKE HANDS FOR A FIGHT WELL-FOUGHT. I DON'T THINK WE'VE SEEN THE LAST OF THESE TWO. THANKS FOR JOINING US. WE'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR. >>ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, PLAYERS, GATHER UP, GATHER UP. NOW THE TEAM WE'RE PLAYING TODAY IS BRUTAL, LIKE PHYSICALLY BRUTAL. LIKE ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS ACTIVELY PUTS KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL. BUT WE CAN STILL WIN THIS, AM I RIGHT? >>[TOGETHER] YEAH! >>I'M SCARED. >>OKAY, NOW HERE'S THE PLAN. WHERE'S MY CLIPBOARD? >>UM... >>ANYBODY SEEN MY CLIPBOARD? >>YEAH, COACH. >>JIMBO, WHY DO YOU HAVE MY CLIPBOARD? >>GOING OVER THE PLAN, COACH. WE'RE GOING TO WIN. GOOD CLIPBOARD PLAN. >>THANK YOU. NOW- WHAT IS THIS? >>WE'RE THE DRAGONS, COACH. 'CAUSE WE BURN UP THE ENEMIES. GO DRAGONS. >>WE'RE NOT THE DRAGONS. WE'RE THE SUNS. >>OH, BECAUSE SUNS BURN THINGS TOO. >>NO... >>UNLESS THEY HAVE A REALLY HIGH SPF. >>OKAY, LOOK, JUST DON'T DRAW ON THIS ANYMORE. ALL RIGHT? >>YEAH, COACH. >>OKAY. GO SUNS ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE. [TOGETHER] GO SUNS! >>GO DRAGONS! >>JIMBO. >>YEAH, COACH. >>GAME'S ABOUT TO START. >>OKAY, COACH. >>NO, JIMBO, JIMBO, JIMBO! SIT DOWN. >>YEAH, COACH. >>GUYS, I WANT ANTHONY IN THE MIDDLE FOR THE JUMP. >>YEAH, GOOD ONE, COACH. >>OKAY, HUSTLE DOWN. FOLLOW THEM DOWN! >>FOLLOW THEM DOWN LIKE YOU'RE FOLLOWING YOUR SPEECH THERAPIST ON TWITTER! >>OH, COME ON, REF. WHAT WAS THAT? >>YEAH, REF. COACH SAYS YOU'RE AN IDIOT. >>NO, NO, I DIDN'T. SIT DOWN, JIMBO. YOU ALL RIGHT? >>YEAH. >>OKAY, LET'S SEE. >>READY, COACH. TEN-HUT, ALL ABOARD. >>PETER, GET IN THERE FOR AARON. >>OH, PETER. THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO, COACH. >>DON'T LET HIM PAST YOU. >>YEAH, PUSH HIM DOWN IF YOU HAVE TO. >>NO, DON'T DO THAT. BRIAN, EYE ON THE BALL! >>PUT YOUR EYE ON THE BALL AND YOUR MEDS UP ON THE FRIDGE! >>OH, COME ON, REF. HOW WAS THAT NOT A FOUL? >>YEAH, COME ON, WHAT THE HECK, REF? COACH SAID HE'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. >>NOPE, NOPE, DID NOT SAY THAT. SIT DOWN NOW. >>PUT ME IN, COACH. >>NOT YET. BRIAN, NEAL, GET IN THERE. >>GO GET 'EM, GUYS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, COACH? >>JUST HELP THE INJURED PLAYERS. >>WHATEVER YOU SAY, COACH. YOU SAY DUMP, I SAY LOOK AT MY LIGHT-UP SHOES. DOES THIS HURT? >>OW! >>WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LOSE THE LEG, COACH! >>JIMBO! >>YEAH, COACH? >>DON'T TOUCH THE INJURED PLAYERS. >>BUT YOU SAID- >>I KNOW WHAT I SAID. I CHANGED MY MIND. >>WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, COACH? >>JUST GIVE ME A DRINK OR SOMETHING. >>WHATEVER YOU SAY, COACH. YOU SAY JUMP, I SAY GOOD GAME, COACH! >>JIMBO! I NEED YOU TO STOP! >>COACH NEEDS TO STOP. HE WET HIMSELF. >>SIT DOWN! [MUFFLED THUD] COME ON, REF! HE JUST TOOK OUT OUR STAR PLAYER! >>GIVE ME A BREAK, REF! COACH SWEARS HE'LL STAB YOUR DOG! >>SIT DOWN! >>DON'T WORRY, COACH. I TOOK OUT THE GUY WHO KEEPS HURTING ALL OUR PLAYERS. >>GOOD. NOW WE HAVE A CHANCE. WE JUST HAVE TO REPLACE ANTHONY ON THE COURT. >>YEAH, COACH. >>NOT YOU, JIMBO. >>I'M THE LAST ONE, COACH. >>SERIOUSLY? >>YEAH. >>ALL RIGHT, FINE. >>FINE? I CAN PLAY? I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD, COACH. >>JIMBO, LISTEN TO ME. >>YOU MISS 100 PERCENT OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE. >>NO, DON'T TAKE ANY SHOTS. >>TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK. >>NO. WELL, YES. >>IT'S OKAY TO FAIL AS LONG AS YOU KEEP ON TRYING AND YOUR PARENTS HAVE REALLY GOOD INSURANCE. >>LISTEN! I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING. >>YEAH, COACH? >>TECHNICALLY, I HAVE TO HAVE FIVE PEOPLE, SO I NEED YOU OUT THERE. >>OKAY, COACH! >>BUT NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! YOU SEE THAT SPOT OVER THERE? >>UNDER THE BLEACHERS? >>YEAH. I WANT YOU TO STAND RIGHT THERE. >>AND DEFEND THE BLEACHERS? >>YES. DEFEND THE BLEACHERS. >>OKAY, COACH. >>NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT ENOUGH TO LOSE. >>GOOD ONE, COACH. >>OKAY. >>OKAY, GUYS! COACH SAYS PASS IT TO ME EVERY TIME! >>WE ARE GETTING DOMINATED OUT THERE, GENTLEMEN. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS? >>UH, THEY'RE TALLER THAN US! >>AND STRONGER. >>AND THEY PLAY DIRTY, COACH. >>WELL THEN WE NEED TO STOP PLAYING PRETTY-BOY BASKETBALL. WE GOT TO DIG DEEP AND PLAY UGLY. >>YOU NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY UGLY COACH, THEN I'M YOUR MAN. YEAH. >>OH. >>NOW, I MEANT BE MORE AGGRESSIVE, NOT LITERALLY PLAY UGLY. BESIDES, I'M NOT THROWING THE WATER BOY IN FOR THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP. [SOUNDS OF AGREEMENT] >>IMAGINE THEIR STAR PLAYER TRYING TO HIT A FOUL SHOT WITH ME NEXT TO HIM DOING THIS. [GRUNTING] >>ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT MAN! CUT IT OUT! THAT'S DISGUSTING. >>WAIT, LET HIM FINISH. THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK. >>BUT HE REEKS, COACH. HOW LONG HAS HE WORN THAT JERSEY? >>SINCE I WAS FOUR. THEY SAY THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE. [SOUNDS OF DISGUST] >>I THINK I'M GOING BLIND. >>HAVE YOU EVEN PLAYED BASKETBALL BEFORE? >>RELAX COACH. I'M A NATURAL. I GOT ATHLETE'S BODY. >>OKAY, NO WAY. YOU ARE THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE MAN I'VE EVER SEEN. >>I SAID ATHLETE'S NOT ATHLETIC. IT HAPPENED WHEN MY UNTREATED ATHLETE'S FOOT SPREAD LIKE A FOREST FIRE. FEEL THE BURN. >>THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER HEARD, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT NO ONE WILL DARE DEFEND YOU. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON? >>[SCREAMS] >>THAT'S YOUR NAME? >>I THINK SO. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY MOMMA CALLED ME WHEN I WAS BORN. [BUZZING] >>YOU KNOW WHAT COACH? THAT'S HALF-TIME. WE SHOULD GET BACK OUT THERE. >>WAIT, BEFORE YOU GO. DRINK YOUR GATORADE. YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THOSE ELECTROLYTES. >>OH. OH GROSS! WHAT FLAVOR OF GATORADE IS THIS? >>DID I SAY GATORADE? I MEANT GATOR-APE. IT'S THE LEFT OVER CARNAGE OF WHEN A GATOR FOUGHT AN APE. [SOUNDS OF DISGUST] >>OKAY, COACH THIS GUY IS OUT OF CONTROL. >>YEAH, IF HE PLAYS, THEN WE QUIT. >>SERIOUSLY. >>YEAH. >>YOU GOT THIS? >>DO UGLY KIDS LIKE CAKE? >>DO THEY? >>OF COURSE THEY DO! EVERYBODY LIKES CAKE. >>WELL UNFORTUNATELY WE NEED AT LEAST TWO PLAYERS ON THE COURT OR WE FORFEIT. AND YOU ARE? >>THEY CALL ME HOTSHOT. >>CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM? >>UH, YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW SWEATER. >>OKAY, PERFECT. WE HAVE A GREAT MATERNITY SECTION OVER THERE. IT'S PERFECT FOR PREGNANT-- >>HOW DARE YOU ASSUME I'M PREGNANT! >>I DIDN'T SAY PREGNANT! I SAID, PRESENT! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST WON THIS COUPON FOR... WEIGHT LOSS. WHY DO I EVEN HAVE THIS? [SLAP] >>WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE, TO MATT CENTER, YOUR SOURCE FOR MATT MEESE FAILURES. TELL ME, MATT, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT? >>UM, NOT GOOD. HOLD ON, DO I REALLY HAVE A CHANNEL DEDICATED TO MY FAILURES? >>OF COURSE NOT. >>OKAY GOOD. I WAS WORRIED. >>YOU HAVE TWO CHANNELS. SPANISH MATT CENTER IS VERY POPULAR. >>BIENVENIDO AL CENTRO DE MATTEO, SU FUENTE PARA CADA FALLA DE MATTEO. >>SO MATT, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO ONCE AGAIN STICK YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH? >>IN MY DEFENSE, SHE WAS DECEPTIVELY NOT PREGNANT. >>LET'S BRING IN OUR FORMER FAIL COACH AND CURRENT MATT CENTER ANALYST TO SEE IF HE AGREES. COACH HARKEY, IS THIS MATT'S FAULT? >>OF COURSE IT WAS! LET ME BREAK IT DOWN ON INSTANT REPLAY. NOW RIGHT HERE HE NOTICES THE BELLY, BUT IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS TELL MY PLAYERS, NO MATTER HOW BIG THE WOMB, YOU NEVER ASSUME! >>BUT SHE HAD THE DISTINCT SHAPE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN! >>WHAT IF SHE SWALLOWED A BASKETBALL? OR WHAT IF THERE'S AN ALIEN TRAPPED INSIDE HER BODY AND PARASITICALLY FEEDING ON HER LIFE FORCES? HOW STUPID ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL WHEN EXTRA TERRESTRIAL POPS OUT OF HER BODY AND THREATENS THE PRESIDENTS OF THE AMERICAS? >>WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW? >>OKAY, WE ARE RECEIVING BREAKING NEWS THAT AN EPIC SALE HAS JUST BEEN MADE BY MATT'S RIVAL CO-WORKER, DERRICK GREEN! >>DERRICK GREEN? QUE BUENO. >>HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO MAKE THAT SALE TONIGHT? >>I JUST LEFT IT ALL OUT ON THE SHOE AISLE, MAN. >>ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY ARE YOU INTERVIEWING DERRICK? NO ONE CARES ABOUT DERRICK. >>IS IT TRUE YOU WERE DRAFTED BY JC PENNY RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? >>YEAH I WAS. YOU KNOW, I CONSIDERED GOING TO COLLEGE BUT THEY OFFERED ME $8.25 AN HOUR PLUS COMMISSION. >>CLEARLY, YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. >>CLEARLY, EVERYONE HERE IS AN IDIOT. >>DERRICK, YOU'VE BEEN HOT ALL DECEMBER. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS? >>CHRISTMAS. MAN, I OWE EVERYTHING TO CHRISTMAS. >>LA NAVIDAD, QUE BUENO! >>AND HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY? >>YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE COUNTED US OUT, BEFORE THE HOLIDAY SEASON STARTED, BUT MY SALES TEAM HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW WE FOR THE GREATEST CUSTOMERS IN THE WORLD. WITHOUT THEM WE WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW. >>OH GIVE ME A BREAK! HE'S JUST USING A BUNCH OF DUMB DEPARTMENT STORE CLICHéS, WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A THING UNTIL NOW. >>AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO ANY KIDS OUT THERE WATCHING? >>YEAH. ANY SALE IS POSSIBLE! >>HE GETS A TROPHY TOO NOW? COME ON! WHAT IS THAT? FORGET THIS, I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU, JUST TAKE MY WALLET. >>POWER! >>THAT'S DEFINITELY MAKING THE TOP 10 FAILS TONIGHT. >>EL TOP DIEZ, QUE BUENO! ♪♪ >>P90X IS THE BEST HOME WORKOUT SYSTEM EVER. YOU'RE GOING TO BE BURNING CALORIES, WORKING MUSCLES YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD, OR WANTED. YOU'RE GOING TO BE MOVING UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT. YOU MIGHT EVEN GIVE BIRTH. I DON'T KNOW, IT'S HAPPENED. YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO DIE, BUT YOU'LL THANK ME WHEN WE'RE DONE. THE THING IS, YOU'VE GOT TO BRING IT. EVERY TIME. DON'T SAY, "I CAN'T." SAY, "I PRESENTLY AM INCOMPETENT AT THIS THING." THE X STANDS FOR EXTREME. YOU'VE GOT TO BRING IT. P STANDS FOR PAIN. EXTREME PAIN. BY THE END OF 90 DAYS, YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. YOU MIGHT CHANGE GENDERS. P90X. I HATE IT, BUT I LOVE IT. [APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, P90X FANS, LET'S GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY WITH A WARMUP! [CHEERING] GET OUR HANDS UP, GET THOSE LEGS PUMPING, GET THAT BLOOD FLOWING, I'M GOING TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE CREW HERE. THIS IS JEREMY. HE'S A P90X GRADUATE, HE'S AN ANIMAL. OVER HERE IS MALLORY, ALSO A P90X GRAD, GOING TO BE SHOWING US SOME MODIFIED MOVES TODAY. ALL RIGHT. GOOD WARMUP, LET'S GET THINGS STARTED RIGHT AWAY WITH MARY KATHERINE LUNGES. I'M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS SO YOU CAN SEE ME. HERE WE GO IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, AND ONE AND TWO-- DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME-- THREE AND FOUR. NOW MALLORY'S SHOWING YOU MODIFIED, IF THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE AT, THAT'S FINE. JUST DO YOUR BEST, FORGET THE REST. ALL RIGHT, GOOD JOB. LET'S MOVE ON NOW TO CHAIR DIPS. GET YOUR CHAIRS OUT AT HOME. THERE ARE A COUPLE WAYS TO DO THIS, ONCE WE GET STARTED, I WILL EXPLAIN. I'M DONE TALKING, HERE WE GO. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE. AND OKAY, LET'S MAKE IT X-LIKE, LET'S RAISE A LEG. MALLORY, SHOW THEM MODIFIED. THERE IT IS. DON'T BE A HERO AND LET YOUR EGO GET IN THE WAY. BUT JEREMY AND I ARE SHOWING YOU HOW IT'S DONE. HE'S CALM ON THE SURFACE, BUT THERE'S A STORM UNDERNEATH. OKAY, GOOD JOB, LET'S MOVE ON TO CLAPPING PUSHUPS, OR PLIYO PUSHUPS. THESE ARE HARD, SO SET A GOAL IN YOUR MIND, DO AS MANY AS YOU CAN WITH GOOD FORM. HERE WE GO. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE. THIS IS THE TIME TO BRING IT. P90X. WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF? WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS? MALLORY IS SHOWING YOU MODIFIED. ALL RIGHT, GOOD JOB, LET'S MOVE ON NOW TO PLYOMETRICS. THIS IS THE X IN P90X. I'M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS SO YOU CAN SEE ME. HERE WE GO. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, AND ONE AND TWO. WE SPIN ON THE FOURTH ONE. HERE IT COMES, THERE IT IS. TIP OF THE DAY, THINK LIKE A CAT. LAND ON YOUR TOES, ALL RIGHT? SOFT LANDINGS. MALLORY'S SHOWING YOU MODIFIED. I KNOW YOUR THIGHS ARE BURNING, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO. OKAY, GOOD JOB. LET'S TAKE THINGS DOWN A NOTCH WITH SOME YOGA X. I'M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS SO YOU CAN SEE ME. DOWN INTO PLANK POSITION, CHATURANGA, GET THE HEAD OUT OF THE SHELL. MALLORY, AGAIN SHOWING YOU MODIFIED. INTO RUNNER'S STANCE, UP TO WARRIOR ONE, WARRIOR TWO, REVERSE WARRIOR. NOW REACH UNDER YOUR HAND, UNDER YOUR THIGH, GRAB YOUR HAND WITH YOUR OTHER HAND. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS DOES, BUT IT HURTS. ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S YOUR LAST WORKOUT FOR THE DAY, GOOD TIME FOR A RECOVERY DRINK. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. ♪♪ >>WELCOME BACK TO OUR COVERAGE OF THE NCAA MEN'S VOLLEYBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS BETWEEN YALE AND NORTH CAROLINA. >>IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, IT HAS BEEN A ROLLERCOASTER OF AN EVENING. BOTH TEAMS NOW TIED AT TWO SETS APIECE. THE WINNER OF THIS FINAL SET WILL BE THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS. >>NORTH CAROLINA LEADING BY ONE. YALE AND THEIR TEAM CAPTAIN SCOTT STERLING- >>LOVE THAT MAN! >>DON'T WE ALL? TRYING DESPERATELY TO HOLD THEM HERE OR IT'S ALL OVER. >>MATCH POINT FOR THE TAR HEELS, JONES IS PREPARING FOR WHAT MAY BE THE LAST SERVE OF HIS COLLEGE CAREER. >>AND HERE WE GO! >>EXCELLENT SERVE. >>SINCE SETTING UP, HERE COMES THE SPIKE. >>YALE HAS TO STOP THIS RETURN OR- OH, DEFLECTED RIGHT TO SCOTT STERLING'S FACE! >>AND YALE TIES IT UP! >>UNBELIEVABLE. >>BUCKLE UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BECAUSE SCOTT STERLING'S FACE HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING. >>TAKE A GANDER AT THIS REPLAY. >>THE ANGLE AT WHICH STERLING DEFLECTS THE BALL OFF HIS SKULL IS NOTHING SHORT OF PERFECTION. >>LIKE WATCHING DA VINCI PAINT WITH HIS FACE. >>YALE NOW ON THE PROWL TO TAKE THE LEAD. >>AND CAROLINA SETTING UP WHAT IS BOUND TO BE A DEVASTATING RETURN AND HERE IT COMES- >>OH! >>STERLING MAKES ANOTHER TREMENDOUS SAVE! >>AND NORTH CAROLINA'S WASTING NO- MOTHER OF PEARL! >>OH! STERLING SCORES! >>WELCOME TO THE HEAVY WEIGHT BOUT BETWEEN STERLING'S FACE AND EVERYTHING ELSE! >>HE LOOKS AS THOUGH HE COULD BE PRAYING. >>THE PEACEFUL VISAGE OF HEAD TRAUMA. >>WE ARE ALL WITNESSING- >>TESTIFY! >>LET US FEAST ON THE SWEET NECTAR OF INSTANT REPLAY. >>WONDERFUL SAVE HERE. JUST COMPLETE SACRIFICE. >>THE BALL FLIES RIGHT PAST THE BLOCKERS INTO STERLING'S AWAITING FACE, BACK OVER THE NET, AND THEN RIGHT BACK TO STERLING'S FACE LIKE AN OBESE HONING PIGEON. >>THAT MAN WILL LEAVE THIS COURT TODAY KNOWING HE GAVE EVERYTHING HE COULD IF HE LEAVES IT ALL. >>THE CROWD IS NOW ON THEIR FEET. >>LIKE MYTHICAL ATLAS WHO BORE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD UPON HIS BACK, SO TOO HAS SCOTT STERLING BORE THIS TEAM UPON HIS FACE. >>YALE HAS COME BACK FROM THE BRINK AND IS LOOKING TO PUT THIS ONE INTO THE HISTORY BOOKS. >>MATCH POINT FOR YALE! >>CAN CAROLINA FINALLY PUSH ONE THROUGH? STERLING BOUNCE STERLING. >>DID I SEE THAT? >>HERE COMES A SPIKE STRAIGHT TO THE MAN. >>THE MYTH! >>THE LEGEND! HIS TEAMMATES HELP HIM TO HIS FEET. >>NO! >>THEY RAISE HIM HEAVENWARD. >>[SCREAMING] HE DID IT! HE DID IT! SCOTT STERLING, HE DESCENDED THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A DEFENSIVE ANGEL! >>AN ANGEL WITH A FACE OF A DEVIL! >>LOOK AT THIS REPLAY! ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER. >>TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE! >>THREE TIMES A LADY! >>FOREVER YOUNG! >>AS THE CROWD CHARGES THE COURT, THE PEOPLE ARE WEEPING. >>TEARS OF JOY. >>THE TWEETS ARE TWEETING. >>HASHTAG #SCOTTSTERLING. >>THE HOSPITALS ARE PREPARING TO RECEIVE THE MAN HIMSELF. >>THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD. >>THE GREAT WALL OF STERLING. >>I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, WHEN ARMAGEDDON COMES, I WANT TO BE IN A BUNKER MADE OF THAT MAN'S FACE. >>UNTIL NEXT TIME, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE. >>HOW MANY MORE MILES? >>22.5. >>WHAT? WE'VE ONLY GONE FOUR MILES? >>A LITTLE LESS. >>OH! MARATHONS ARE LONG. >>MATT? DO YOU MIND IF I GO MY OWN PACE THE REST OF THE RACE? >>OH, AM I SLOWING YOU DOWN? >>WELL... I MEAN... >>OH NO, IT'S FINE! IT'S FINE! MEN ARE CLASSICALLY GREAT AT BEING BEATEN BY WOMEN. SO THAT'S NICE. >>JUST WANT A GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW? WE HAD TO STOP BOTH OF THOSE TIMES FOR YOU TO THROW UP. >>YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME, WOMAN. JUST GO. >>FINE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT. >>WHATEVER, LOSING TO YOU DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A GIANT AMAZON WOMAN. QUEEN KONG! I'M DOING GREAT. I HAVEN'T BEEN PASSED BY ANY OTHER WOMEN THUS FAR SO-- YEP. SHAKE IT OFF. SHAKE IT OFF. YOU'RE STILL FIT AND FAST, MATT. YOU'VE TRAINED FOR THIS. >>HEY THERE, SONNY! >>WOW. SIR, HOW OLD ARE YOU? >>I'M 91 AND I HAVEN'T RUN A DAY IN MY LIFE. [LAUGHTER] >>AWESOME. NO, YEAH, THAT'S AWESOME. WHAT AN INSPIRATION. WHAT? NO, MA'AM, SHOULD YOU IN YOUR CONDITION-- WHAT? >>[CRYING BABY] ♪♪AT? >>AGUA? >>POR FAVOR. >>DINERO? >>NO. >>ADIOS. >>WHAT? WAIT! >>HOW'S IT GOING? OH MAN. TOO MANY TACOS. >>AM I EVEN MOVING? >>EXCUSE ME, KIND SIR. >>WHAT? >>NO! AH! >>WHOA! >>[LAUGHTER] >>I GUESS I'LL BE SEEING YOU IN THE NEXT LIFE, SIR. OH WAIT, I'M GOING TO HEAVEN. YAY! >>[GROANING] OH! ZOMBIE! OH, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! OF COURSE. >>YOU HAVE GOT TO STAY PUMPED. NOW I GOT MY SPECIAL PLAYLIST I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT I GIVE ALL MY CLIENTS. MOSTLY A LOT OF ENYA ON HERE. AND SOME SAVAGE GARDEN, AND SOME CREED, BUT DON'T START WITH THE CREED BECAUSE YOU CANNOT GO ANY HIGHER. YOU START WITH THE CREED. SO YOU GOT TO WORK YOUR WAY UP. ♪♪ YOU GOT TO FOCUS ON YOUR LOWER BACK. THERE SHOULD BE A BIG POP. DON'T WEAR SHOES. ALL RIGHT, NOW TAKE THEM OFF. TAKE THEM OFF. TIME TO GET OUR PROTEIN ON. YOU GOT SOME REALLY BIG GLUTS. THE CAVE MEN DIDN'T HAVE SHOES. THEY USED THEIR BARE FEET. SO SKIPPING BREAKFAST IS FINE, AS LONG AS YOU EAT A LOT OF RED MEAT AT LUNCH. YOU WANT TO PACK IN THAT RED MEAT. SHOVE IT IN. YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THIS FOR A GIRL. OH, HERE. I GOT YOU. IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY HYDRATED. SO YOU A PEPSI OR COKE KIND OF GUY? OKAY. COME ON DUDE. I GOT YOU. I LIKE THE TOENAILS. WE GOT THIS. LET'S WORK AS A TEAM. AND NOW WE WAIT FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND IF WE DON'T THROW UP, WE CAN WORK OUT. SQUAT MAN, COME ON. USE THE BACK. IN THE MEAN TIME, YOU SHOULD READ THIS PAMPHLET ON SALMONELLA POISONING. PUSH IT UP. OKAY. OKAY, WE'LL START THIS AGAIN ONCE YOU'VE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS. ♪♪ >>LISTENING TO ENYA BACK THERE? GOOD. GOOD. >>THEN T-DOG GOT STRAIGHT UP OWNED BY THAT LINEBACKER. HE WAS MORE LIKE T-PUPPY. >>[LAUGHS] >>OH, MAN. THAT'S COLD. THAT'S COLD LIKE... >>OH! HE COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY. HASHTAG FAIL! [LAUGHS] >>MAN! YOU WOULDN'T KNOW FAILURE IF IT HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD. >>WAIT. ARE YOU SAYING I'VE NEVER FAILED? >>YEAH. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALL SUCCESSFUL AND STUFF. >>WHAT? >>YOU AIN'T NEVER FAILED, MAN. YOU'RE ALL LIKE, "OH, I'M GOING TO "TRY THIS NEW THING. "OH, GOT IT RIGHT "THE FIRST TIME. "GUESS I WON'T LEARN ABOUT PERSEVERANCE." >>ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR HOW GOOD I AM AT THINGS? >>YEAH, MAN! YOU ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE NATURALLY GIFTED. YOUR TALENTS HAVE ENFEEBLED YOU. >>SOUNDS LIKE THEY JUST MADE ME AWESOME. >>YEAH, MAN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ADMIT THAT UH, YOU KNOW, YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THING ABOUT FAILURE AND LIKE MOVE ON- >>NO! I MEANT WHAT I SAID! HE'S NEVER BEEN TOUCHED BY FAILURE'S REFINING FIRE! HE'S MISSED OUT ON CHARACTER GROWTH. HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TO RELATE TO PEOPLE, MAN? LIFE IS HARD! I FAIL EVERY DANG DAY! I'M FAILING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY GRAMMAR BE ALL, INCORRECT. FAILURES MAKING MY FUTURE BRIGHT LIKE THE SUN. >>HEY, MY SUCCESS JUST BRINGS ME CONFIDENCE, BRO. HOW'S THAT A BAD THING? >>YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY IT'S BAD BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT'S GOING TO CRUSH YOU LIKE A SODA CAN, MAN! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE- "WHAT IS THIS FEELING? "I DON'T LIKE IT! "TRYING IS HARD! I QUIT." >>MAYBE I'LL NEVER FAIL! >>OH YEAH, THERE'S A GOOD LIFE GOAL. I'M SURE THAT'LL SERVE YOU REAL WELL WHEN YOU GET TO COLLEGE. >>I JUST WON'T TAKE CLASSES I CAN'T HANDLE. >>OH, SO TO AVOID FAILURE YOU'LL AVOID PERSONAL GROWTH? >>OH! >>THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! >>THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH. THE FEAR OF FAILURE WILL CONSTIPATE YOUR DREAMS! THE MOST INTERESTING PART OF YOUR LIFE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. >>I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS MAKING SENSE. >>YEAH, MAN! I'M PRETTY SURE YOU LOST THIS ONE, MAN! >>NO I- I FAILED! I DIDN'T WIN! YEAH! >>I WON! NO! ♪♪ >>YEAH, YEAH. >>HEY, GUYS! WATCH THIS! ♪♪ >> OH MY GOSH, SHAUN. >>YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN? >>I THINK MY LEG'S BROKEN. [FAINT CRACK] YEAH, IT'S BROKEN. OKAY, IT'S BROKEN. >>UH, OKAY. UH, WE'RE CALLING AN AMBULANCE. YOU STAY DOWN THERE, OKAY? WE'LL COME TO YOU. >>DON'T WORRY! I'LL HELP HIM. WATCH THIS. ♪♪ [CRACK] [BOTH SCREAMING] >>OH, DUDE! DUDE! OH, DUDE. >>MY LEG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >>DUDE! >>YOUR LEG! OH... >>OKAY, I... >>[BOTH GROANING] >>WHAT JUST HAPPENED? >>HIS LEG'S BROKEN TOO. >>I KNOW, I MEANT IN MORE OF AN "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT" KIND OF WAY. >>HOW- HOW BAD IS IT? >>IT CAN DO THIS, IF THAT'S ANY INDICA- [LEG CRACKS] OH MY! [MUFFLED SCREAMING] >>WE'RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY- >>HEY, I JUST GOT A CALL ABOUT AN INJURY? >>YES, HE'S- THERE'S TWO OF THEM DOWN THERE NOW. >>OH, OW! >>HEY, WATCH THIS. ♪♪ [JASON HOWLS] ♪♪ >>[LAUGHS] I'M OKAY! >>WHOA. >>OOF! >>OH! >>OH. >>I GOT AN E.M.T DOWN AND TWO OTHERS. I'M GOING TO NEED SOME BACKUP AT TWO PINES SKATE PARK. OVER. HEY, WATCH THIS. ♪♪ [THROWS UP] >>ARE YOU OKAY? >>YEAH, I JUST DON'T DO WELL WITH BLOOD. >>YOU'RE AN E.M.T. >>I- [GROANS FAINTLY] >>[ALL TOGETHER] WE'RE HERE TO HELP! WATCH THIS. ♪♪ >>OKAY. ♪♪ >>OH! >>THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TURN OF EVENTS! >>SHAUN, ARE YOU OKAY? >>NOT REALLY. >>[ANGELS SINGING] >>HEY GUYS, WATCH THIS! ♪♪ [BOOM] >>OH! OH, MAN. >>WE SHOULD- >>YEAH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO. >>SO I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME TONIGHT. >>YEAH, YEAH, YOU DID. >>SO... >>WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >>NOTHING. I DROPPED SOMETHING ON THE GROUND. >>THERE'S NOTHING IN YOUR HAND. >>MAGIC. >>WERE YOU TRYING TO KISS ME? >>NO, NO, I WAS TRYING TO SEE IF IT WAS GOING TO RAIN LATER. MY LIPS ARE REALLY SENSITIVE, SO THAT'S... >>I'M GOING TO GO INSIDE. >>YEAH, OKAY, YOU'D BETTER. THERE'S A STORM COMING, SO THANK GOODNESS NO ONE ELSE SAW THAT. ♪♪ >>WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE, TO MATT CENTER. >>[SPEAKS SPANISH] >>I'M HERE WITH MATT, WHO'S ONCE AGAIN BEEN REJECTED. TELL ME, MATT, HOW DO YOU FEEL? >>YOU GUYS AGAIN? WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING ME? >>'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT SLAM DUMPED, SON. >>NO, NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE. SHE SAID TONIGHT WAS NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. >>THAT'S BECAUSE SHE HAD INSANELY LOW EXPECTATIONS, RICKY NUGGET. LOOK AT WHAT SHE- LOOK, LOOK. LOOK AT WHAT SHE WROTE ON HER TWITTERBOOK STATUS RIGHT BEFORE YOU PICKED HER UP. >>"GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD." >>COACH HARKEY, WHY DON'T YOU WALKS US THROUGH MATT'S PERFORMANCE TONIGHT, PLAY BY PLAY? >>NO, THAT'S NOT- >>I'D LOVE TO, ALL RIGHT? NOW LOOK HERE, JONATHAN BON JOVI, YOUR FIRST PROBLEM WERE YOUR PITS. UH-HUH. >>WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PITS? >>YOU USED AXE BODY SPRAY. THAT'S A COLOGNE INVENTED BY WOMEN TO MORE EFFECTIVELY IDENTIFY MEN THAT THEY SHOULD AVOID. >>[SPEAKS SPANISH] LA CUCARACHA! >>OKAY, FINE, I CAN JUST SWITCH TO OLD SPICE. >>NO, NO, NO, HAMBONE. YOU CAN BATHE IN OLD SPICE, BUT IT AIN'T GONNA FIX YOUR REAL PROBLEM. NOW LOOK AT YOUR TECHNIQUE, JUST LOOK AT IT RIGHT THERE, ALL RIGHT? I'VE SEEN A DEMENTOR APPROACH A KISS WITH MORE SWAG THAN THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE A DAGNABBED DEHYDRATED GERBIL TRYING TO DRINK FROM ONE OF THOSE WATER SIPPY CUP THINGAMAMBABAROOS. LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SCARING THE POOR GIRL. SHE WOULDN'T KISS YOU IF YOUR LIPS WERE WATER AND HER FACE WAS ON FIRE. >>OKAY, I- I ADMIT I HAD AN OFF NIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BUT SO DOES EVERYONE. >>LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE JUST RECEIVED A REPORT THAT DEREK GREEN HAS ONCE AGAIN HAD A PERFECT DOORSTEP TONIGHT. >>COME ON! >>DEREK VERDE. [SPEAKS SPANISH] >>DEREK, WHAT WERE THE KEYS TO YOUR VICTORY TONIGHT? >>WELL, YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD A VERY EFFECTIVE OFFENSIVE STRATEGY, AND IT PAID OFF TONIGHT. >>MIDWAY THROUGH THE DATE, SHE SEEMED TO LOSE INTEREST. HOW DID YOU REGAIN THE MOMENTUM? >>WELL, I KNEW SHE WAS COMING OFF A DIFFICULT BREAKUP, SO I JUST HAD TO BE READY FOR THE REBOUND. >>DO YOU SEE A RELATIONSHIP COMING OUT OF THIS? >>WELL, UH, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. I'M JUST HAPPY THAT I LEFT HERE WITH A SOLID KISS TONIGHT. >>WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THOSE WHO WOULD ACCUSE YOU OF LEADING WOMEN ON? >>HATE THE GAME, NOT THE PLAYER. >>[SPEAKS SPANISH] >>OH BOO, BOO TO YOU, DEREK GREEN! YOU KNOW, I MAY NOT KISS A DIFFERENT GIRL EVERY NIGHT, BUT WHEN I DO KISS, IT MEANS SOMETHING SPECIAL, OKAY? IF YOU COULD SEE A HIGHLIGHT REEL OF MY KISSES, IT WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND. >>ALL RIGHT, LET'S ROLL THE TOP FIVE. >>WHAT? ♪♪ >>TOP FIVE? >>EL TOP CINCO? >>I THOUGHT IT WAS TOP TEN. >>SI, EL TOP DIEZ. >>WE HAD TO ADJUST DUE TO LACK OF SOURCE MATERIAL. >>HEY, HEY! IT'S ABOUT- IT'S NOT ABOUT QUANTITY. IT'S ABOUT QUALITY. >>OKAY, OKAY. >>COMING IN AT NUMBER FIVE, WE'VE GOT MATT WATCHING THE CHANNEL SEVEN NEWS. >>NO, NO, NO, NO! THAT IS BAD FOR THE TV, SON. >>IT'S GOING TO REALLY HURT YOUR RESALE VALUE. >>IT'LL HURT YOUR WHOLE VALUE. >>AT NUMBER FOUR, THE CLASSIC BEAUTY AND- OH, LAST MINUTE SWAT AWAY. OH NO! AIN'T NOBODY AT THE CARNIVAL RIGHT NOW! >>YOU'RE BEING A PIPPIN WHEN YOU SHOULD BE A JORDAN. >>SHE CAN'T SHAKE THAT ONE OFF. >>NOT WORTH IT. >>JIM HOWARD COULDN'T SAVE THAT. NUMBER THREE- >>OH HEY, MATT. >>HEY. >>WANT A KISS? >>OH, SHE OFFERS! >>I GUESS WE WERE WRONG. >>AND HE ACCEPTS! >>OH, THAT'S THE ONLY SUGAR HE'S GOING TO BE GETTING TODAY! >>INDEED. TWO KISSES FOILED THERE. NUMBER TWO- OH! >>OKAY. >>OH! AGAIN WITH THE KISSING BOOTH. OKAY, FOLKS AT HOME, YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH THE WRINKLES, BUT SHE IS VERY DISAPPOINTING. >>VERY. >>KISS NUMBER ONE, WE'VE GOT A CLASSIC LADY AND THE TRAMP SET UP. >>THAT'S A DOG! OH NO, IT IS HESITANT. IT'S GOT TO GET THE TASTE OUT OF ITS MOUTH, BUT- >>IT MAKES ME WONDER IF ALL DOGS REALLY GO TO HEAVEN. >>NO, THEY DO NOT. THAT'S PURGATORY. >>OKAY, SO I'VE NEVER TECHNICALLY KISSED ANYONE, ALL RIGHT? I'M JUST SAVING THEM FOR MY FUTURE- CURSE YOU, DEREK GREEN! >>QUE BUENO! >>DEREK GREEN. ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT WHAT HE'S DOING, SON? >>IT WAS MY DAUGHTER, MALLORY. SHE ASKED US FOR A STOPWATCH FOR HER BIRTHDAY. I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING. >>MY SON, MATT, STARTED HANGING OUT WITH A NEW CROWD. I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOOD KIDS, BUT SOON HE STARTED WEARING SHORT SHORTS AND T-SHIRTS WITH BAD PUNS. >>WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? RUNNY NOSE. >>I KNOW. >>EVERY YEAR, 13 MILLION KIDS TRY DISTANCE RUNNING FOR THE FIRST TIME, UNAWARE THAT THEY'RE BEGINNING A LIFE OF CHAFING AND MALE THIGH EXPOSURE. >>ARE YOU DR. SCHULZ? >>INDEED I AM. YOU GUYS NEED SHOES? >>YEAH. >>BAM. THESE RIGHT HERE, TRY THOSE ON FOR SIZE, HUH? >>WHAT'S THIS GONNA RUN US? >>UH, 25. >>GIVE IT TO HIM. >>YEAH. >>OUR SON, ADAM, SAID IT WAS JUST A PARTY, BUT WHEN WE WENT TO GO CHECK ON HIM... NO! IT WAS A 5-K. >>I HAVE NO SON. >>HONEY, STOP. >>I HAVE NO SON! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! [SOBBING] >>ADAM! >>YOU ARE LITERALLY BREAKING YOUR MOTHER'S HEART. >>SOON 5-K'S WEREN'T ENOUGH. HE STARTED GETTING INTO MARATHONS. >>WHAT IS IT? >>OKAY, HE JUST KEPT GETTING MEDAL AFTER MEDAL AFTER MEDAL. >>HIS NECK. >>THERE'S SO MUCH WEIGHT. IT JUST DRUG HIM DOWN. >>EVERY DAY, MORE AND MORE OF THESE HOODLUMS ARE RUNNING THE STREETS. BUT WHAT ARE THEY RUNNING FROM? WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE? WE GOTTA GET BACK TO TRADITIONAL VALUES LIKE WALKING, SITTING DOWN. >>I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WARNING SIGNS. YOU KNOW, HE WAS RUNNING IN PLACE A LOT, AND HE USED GEL INSERTS. I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU FIND THAT KIND OF THING. >>SUSPECT IS BEING CHARGED WITH DISTANCE RUNNING, RUNNER'S HIGH, FREAKISH SCRAWNINESS- >>HEY. >>YOU KEEP QUIET. >>BUT AS THE RUNNING EPIDEMIC SPREADS, PARENTS AND TEACHERS ARE POWERLESS TO STOP IT. >>WE TOOK AWAY HER RUNNING SHOES, HOPING SHE WOULD STOP, AND THEN WE HEAR ABOUT THIS THING CALLED BAREFOOT RUNNING. IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE? I MEAN, WHERE DOES IT STOP? >>PARENTS, TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DISTANCE RUNNING. HELP THEM FIND BETTER HOBBIES LIKE VIDEO GAMES- >>COULD YOU STOP IT FOR ONE MINUTE, MATT? >>NAPPING... OR DIABETES. >>IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR DONUT, YOU CAN'T HAVE BROCCOLI. >>NO, DAD, IT'S GONNA SLOW ME DOWN. >>I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. >>IN EXTREME CASES, SEEK MEDICAL HELP. >>YOUR SON TESTED POSITIVE FOR SHIN SPLINTS. >>CHOP THE LEG. CHOP THE LEG! >>DISTANCE RUNNING: IT'S A DANGEROUS AND SLIPPERY SLOPE. SOMETIMES A HEALTHY LIFE IS WORSE THAN DEATH. >>COME ON! >>[SINISTER LAUGH] IGOR, COME HERE! >>NO, MASTER, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEWEST EVIL CREATION, OKAY? >>RELAX, IGOR. I'M MERELY IMPROVING AN OLD INVENTION: SPORTS. >>OH, THOSE ARE ACTUALLY GOOD. >>I'M MAKING THEM EVIL. >>OKAY. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE SPORTS EVIL? >>I STARTED BY CREATING A REFEREE. >>OKAY, I GET IT. >>NOW HE WAS KIND OF TRICKY. HIS JOB IS TO RIG EVERY GAME AGAINST BOTH TEAMS. >>BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. >>YES, BUT HE DOES IT. I GAVE HIM THE EYESIGHT OF A MOLE AND THE JUDGMENT SKILLS OF U.S. CONGRESS. >>BUT HE'LL NEVER REMEMBER THE RULES. >>WHY WOULD I TEACH HIM THE RULES? OH, HE'S GOING THE WRONG WAY. BLESS HIS HEART. >>SAD. >>THIS ONE IS CALLED A FAN. NOW HE SUFFERS FROM TWO GREAT DELUSIONS: FIRST, THAT HIS TEAM WILL DO REALLY WELL THIS YEAR, AND SECOND, THAT NO MATTER WHERE HE IS IN THE STADIUM, THE REF CAN HEAR HIM. >>OH, HE'S GOING TO BE SUPER ANNOYING. >>DON'T WORRY. I GAVE HIM A FOG HORN. >>OKAY. >>AH, AND THE BEST PART IS HE'S SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS THAT HE'S NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY'RE GOING TO END UP LIKE MALONE AND STOCKTON: LOTS OF CHEMISTRY BUT STILL NO RING. >>THAT WAS REALLY MEAN. >>YOU'RE RIGHT, TOO FAR, YES. BUT I'M JUST GETTING STARTED. IF HE EVER DOES GET MARRIED, HE'LL SUFFER EVEN MORE ONCE HIS KIDS ARE IN LITTLE LEAGUE. ON THE ONE HAND, LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES ARE SUPER BORING, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY TAKE UP HIS WHOLE SATURDAY. >>WHY ARE BOTH YOUR HANDS ALWAYS EVIL? >>NOT AS EVIL AS WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR ATHLETES. FOR THEM, I'VE INVENTED ALL KINDS OF SPORTS, EACH DEPRESSING IN ITS OWN WAY. FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAVE TACKLING SPORTS AND BODY CHECKING SPORTS AND, OH, FAKE SPORTS. >>WELL, AT LEAST SPORTS ARE EXCITING- OH, TOUCHÉ. >>AND THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE FOR OLYMPIC ATHLETES. OH YES. >>WELL, NO. PEOPLE LOVE OLYMPIANS. >>DO THEY, IGOR? DO THEY? >>YES. >>BEING AN OLYMPIAN IS LIKE LIVING IN IOWA OR NEW HAMPSHIRE. EVERY FOUR YEARS YOU GET ATTENTION AND THE REST OF THE TIME NOBODY CARES. >>NO, NO, SPORTS ARE INSPIRATIONAL. >>NO, SPORTS ARE CONFUSING, OR AT LEAST THEY WILL BE ONCE MY FILMMAKERS ARE DONE WITH THEM. >>SPORTS AND FILMS SHOULD NEVER MAKE SENSE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK SIX PEOPLE CHASE THE QUAFFLE WHEN THE SNITCH WINS EVERY GAME? OR WHY NOTRE DAME PUT A HOBBIT AT DEFENSIVE END? AND DO PEOPLE REALLY BELIEVE THAT THE 1980 U.S. OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM BEAT THE SOVIETS? >>THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. >>OH REALLY? KUDOS TO THEM. >>EVEN SO, YOU ARE DESTROYING SPORTS. >>YES, IGOR. GET READY FOR A WORLD OF EAR-BITING BOXERS, CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE MASCOTS, AND A WORLD SERIES WITHOUT THE PART OF THE WORLD THAT'S GOOD AT BASEBALL. SOON ALL MANKIND WILL SUFFER! >>NO, NO, NO, NOT THE SCRAWNY NON-ATHLETIC PEOPLE. YOU'LL NEVER SUCK THEM INTO SPORTS. >>WON'T I? >>HEY, GUYS. HOW'D YOU LIKE THOSE VIDEOS? >>[CHUCKLES] >>GAVE YOU EVERYTHING WE PROMISED. >>YEAH. >>AND MORE. >>AND MORE. >>MUCH MORE. >>SO NOW LIKE, SUBSCRIBE. WE'VE GOT A LOT MORE OF THESE COMPILATIONS COMING OUT. >>COMPILATION PARTY.
02:03:38.278,00:00:00.000
PARTY!
