- Hey everyone. Welcome to Studio C's
compilation video of food. Little secret, since we know
everyone loves food, we put it in our videos hoping that more people
would watch them. It did not work. - It did not work. - But, you know,
it's still pretty good. - We got to eat food. - And that's what matters. - Enjoy. <i> [audience cheering]</i> - Hey, thanks for taking me
out to lunch, Mal. - Oh please, I love spending small amounts
of time with my sister. - Ah, I'm just trying
to eat healthier, you know. - Why? You look great. - Yeah, I know,
but I'm just so tired of getting out of breath
every time I use the stair to my house. - Well, stairs can be hard. - No, stair. There's only one. - Well, Whit,
the fat and the sugar is what makes food so good. I mean have you ever heard
of a healthy churro? - Maybe they have
some low fat options. - Hi ladies, my name's Brody. I'll be your server today. Can I get you started off
with anything? - Yeah, do you have
any low fat options here? - We do, if you look
on this side, that's our skinny
delicious menu, half the calories. - Oh. - Um, I think I'm just gonna
take a number two. - All right. - I will have
the apple bacon burger from the skinny delicious menu. - Great. - Whoa, they have
a healthy bacon burger? - Umhm, and I get twice
the satisfaction knowing that I'm eating
something healthy. [Chuckles] You should try it
some time. It's a rush. Hold on, did you say
you like spending small amounts of time with me? - All right, here is
your burger and fries and your apple bacon burger. - That was snappy. - Could I have you stand
over here? - Oh, yes. Oh look, Mal. It looks like my burger
is just as big as yours but half the calories. [chuckles] Don't take it
personally. Uh, where are we going? - Just step up here ma'am. - What is this? - Well, that's
the delicious part of the meal and this is the skinny. - But that's false
advertising. - Don't worry, we'll watch
those calories for you here. - What? - Okay, can I get you two
anything else to drink? - Um, water's fine for me. - Oh, could I have
a strawberry lemonade? - Oh, absolutely. Yeah. - Here we go. - What?! No! - Um, so, I don't know
if I told you, Tom and I got a dog. Yeah, we debated about it
for a while but eventually we just decided
to do it, you know. - Here you go, and I forgot to bring
out your dipping sauces, would you like
ketchup or honey-mustard? - Oh, I love honey mustard. - Do ya? That's too bad. - What?! No! - Anyway, so we finally went
to the animal<i> shelter</i> <i> and said, "What
the hey," you know.</i> Tom is such a bleeding heart
for animals. <i> He just really, really
loves</i> animals. - Come on! Run off the cow
you're eating. You can run faster than that. [Whitney protesting] Let's go, let's go! I just want some lemonade! - That's two hundred
calories. Curl! Curl! Curl! [scream] Come on! [Whitney crying] - So, do you still work
at The Gap, or what? - All right. - Can I interest either of
you in some dessert today? - Um, actually that pie
looks really good. [electronic beeping] - But, what? - Okay ma'am, I'm going to need you to swallow
this tapeworm. - What?! - Open up. Now. No. - Oh, I'm so sorry. - Sorry, no, you're fine. I see you have
some spinach there. - Yep, I love to put this stuff
in my green shakes. I'm always looking for the best new thing
for my body, you know. I only eat all natural,
whole grains, nothing processed,
plant-based food. - Oh yeah, me too. I take pride in it, so. - Huh, what are those greens
you got there? - Oh, it's kale. It's a lot better for you
than spinach. [chuckle] But it doesn't
taste anywhere near as good, so I could see why maybe
you couldn't handle it. - I could handle it. I bet you've never tried
this stuff. It's peel-pit-seed juice. It's made only from the
peels, pits, and seeds of the fruit because-- - Those are the most nutritious
parts of fruit, I see. Well, I bet
you've never tried this. It's dark chocolate
that is so dark, it's made from 10% cacao-- - [laughs] That's
a terrible percentage. - and 90% the dirt
the beans were grown in. - You twisted witch. - It's so bitter that your
taste buds physically reject it. I eat a square every night
after dinner, even though my body's natural
response is to regurgitate and burn it. - Well, have you tried
tree bark milk? I pour it on everything
I eat, even though it tastes
like shame feels. - Okay, okay. Well sometimes I just
go to the periodic table and I pick an element
and I eat that element, okay. Can't get more natural
than that. - Oh please, when I'm so hungry
after dinner I go outside and lick a mountain. - Okay, great. Sometimes I just eat live
worms straight from the ground. The live part is crucial because their souls
prevent aging. - Well, fear helps
you metabolize faster so I drink all my protein shakes
in a pit full of snakes. - [scoffs] Same reason
I do lunges in graveyards. Do you ever eat fish
for the Omega-3's? - Of course, I drink eight
glasses of fish oil a day. - Well, I cut out
the middle man and just hook the fish
right up to my veins. - I eat meat
from depressed bears because their psychological
issues are great for your skin. - I catch birds in my jaws
in mid-flight. - I eat rocks
from woodland streams. - I eat barnacles off
of expensive boats. - I eat the southeastern wind. - I swallow meteorites
as they fall from the sky! Both: [growl] [audience cheering] - This is why I hate shopping
at Whole Foods. - I don't want to keep
bringing this up, but could you stop making
these? I don't like them very much. - Well, I hate to break it
to you but I've got another
one in the oven. - I don't want to sound
insensitive, but have you noticed
how much weight you gain when you have these? And let's be honest here. They never smell good. - Look, let's not argue, okay? We could give it
to the new neighbors, tell them it's
a house-warming gift. - You kidding? We give them that, they're gonna think
we're nuts or something. - Nonsense, they'll love it. Do you think I should give it
to them personally, or just leave it
on their doorstep? - Just leave it
on their doorstep. I don't want them to know
we gave it to them. They might try
to give it back. - Mm, great, now it's
dripping all over me. Honestly, these things are
such a mess. Hold this. - Oh! Honey, you could have stained
the carpet. I don't understand
this aversion you have. - I just have no use
for them, except maybe
as a paperweight. But then it'd get its
nastiness everywhere. - Ah. That is it. I am going to my mother's. - Fine, take this with you. Your mom
will probably love it, she hasn't had one in years. - I'm leaving that with you until you learn
to appreciate it. - [sigh] This is why
I wanted a dog. - As many
of you have realized, that wasn't very funny. You see, we here at Studio C
spend many hours writing, revising and sometimes
completely re-writing our shows. Sometimes however, our material doesn't
need to be re-written, but merely looked
at in another way. We'll illustrate
this principle by making a slight change, replacing this
questionable pastry with a baby! <i> [audience laughs]</i> - Honey, I don't want
to keep bringing this up, but could you stop
making these? I don't like them very much. - Well, I hate to break it
to you but I've got another
one in the oven. - I don't want to sound
insensitive, but have you noticed
how much weight you gain when you have these? And let's be honest here. They never smell good. - Look, let's not argue, okay? We could give it
to the new neighbors, tell them it's
a house-warming gift. - You kidding? We give them that, they're gonna think
we're nuts or something. - Nonsense, they'll love it. Do you think I should give it
to them personally, or just leave it
on their doorstep? - Just leave it
on their doorstep. I don't want them to know
we gave it to them. They might try to give it back. - Mm, great, now it's
dripping all over me. Honestly, these things are
such a mess. Hold this. - Oh! Honey, you could have stained
the carpet. I don't understand
this aversion you have. - I just have no use
for them, except maybe
as a paperweight. But then it'd get its
nastiness everywhere. - Ah. That is it. I am going to my mother's. - Fine, take this with you. Your mom will probably love it, she hasn't had one in years. - I'm leaving that with you until you learn
to appreciate it. - [sigh] This is why
I wanted a dog. [upbeat diner background music] - Okay, welcome to Life. Can I get you started
with some education? - Yeah, how much are
your college degrees? - Four years a piece. - Great. I'll have business. - All right. - Engineering. - That's an extra two years. - I'm not doing anything else
right now, so. - 'Kay. And for you miss? - Um, I can't decide. - That'll be a year. - What? I didn't order yet. - Two years. -Um, liberal arts! Mm. - You're gonna regret that. - And for you. - I'll have English. - 'Kay. -We're at a nice place,
get something real. - English is a real degree. [laughing] - This is-- - Okay, how 'bout spouses? - Yeah, can I get soulmate? - I don't know where
that rumor got started but we don't serve that here. I can give you
love of your life. [all agree] - Okay, that sounds good. - Okay, how do you want it
cooked? - Doesn't really matter. - Hot. Crazy hot. Like make it as spicy-- I've got a list actually. <i> It's uh--</i> - Perfect. <i> - Really long brown</i> hair,
like Shakira, wait her-- blonde. <i> Blonde,</i> brown Shakira, um, she needs to have
straight teeth. Nothing crazy like.... [indistinct chatter] - All right. Here are your spouses. - Looking forward to this. - Awesome. Thank you so much. Oh, I'm sorry,
I ordered a medium, but this is a large. - It just happens with time. <i> - Um, is mine coming?</i> <i> - It might take a while.</i> - Okay, I'll just settle. - Scratch the model,
bring out the sad, cat lady. <i> - Microwave special
coming up.</i> - Yep. <i> - Can I interest you
in any careers?</i> - Um, can I get something
where I go straight to the top, because I'm special? - Yeah, here's
our Millennial menu. <i> - I'd like novelist</i> please. - You're gonna want to hold on
to those options. How much for CEO? - Twenty years. - Whoo! Pricey. - We do have
a 15 year option, but you miss all
your son's baseball games. - I will have that. <i> - Okay.</i> - Speaking of,
could I get a baby? - Sure that will be nine months
of sluggishness and vomiting. - Me too. - That'll be nine months
of watching that. - Aw, no. <i> - Okay, I'm just gonna</i> get
three babies. - Well-behaved or monsters? - Well-behaved. <i> - I'm just kidding,</i>
you don't get to choose. - Yep. - Your wife, sir. - Thank you. Oh! Could you send her back
please? - She's rich. - Thank you,
that will be all. - Okay. <i> - Don't look her in the eyes,</i>
it's not so bad. What does yours look like? Dang it. - I thought you ordered
three children. - They brought me another
by accident. <i> - Okay,</i> I've got
four mortgages, careful they're heavy. <i> Slower metabolisms.</i> <i> Some student</i> loans. And some mid-life<i> crises.</i> - Man, this meal is going
by fast. - How much
for lasting happiness? - Gratitude, service,
self-improvement. - Gosh, just bring me
a convertible. - Sorry, life takes Visa. - What hobbies would you
recommend? - But you already have
a hobby, what you need is a job. - Writing is my job. All right?! [disagreement from the rest] - It's a profession. - Oh, I wasn't done
with those! - Gotta learn to let go. They're comes a time-- NO! No! - Sir, your time is up. - I should have spent more time
at the office. - Order! [bell rings] <i> - Thanks.</i> - My late wife used to tell
me... -Okay. Here are your just desserts. - That best-selling novel. - Yes! It paid off! - Just like we all said
it would. <i> - And you guys</i> have accrued
some free time. <i> - All</i> right. Right at the age,
when it's least enjoyable. - And here are
your grandkids. - Oh, these look spoiled. - You actually did that. - That's right. Three more please. - Okay. - Thanks. - Well, everyone,
it was a good meal. We should come back
some time. - Oh, we have
a strict YOLO policy. - We should have gone
to that Indian restaurant. - Could we get a doggy bag? - No, you can't take
any of this with you. - Fine. Look, I just want to say, that in light
of our inevitable-- - I'll be right
with you guys. - Yeah, thanks. - Wait, we're not
your last customers? - Did you think that? - I guess we always thought
you'd close once we left. - You know what? Send them a round of wisdom. Our treat. And our national debt. [all laugh] - There's that fisherman's wit. - What can I get
for you guys? Some privilege? Disregard for elders? That's usually
what you guys like. - Um, what are
your lunch options like? Um, we have a smartphone
with a side of selfie-- <i> - Hey Tommy.</i> <i> Are you going
for a mid-day snack?</i> - What? Who said that? - Why it's me, Mr. Banana. - Oh, hey Mr. Banana. I didn't know you could talk. <i> - That's right, Tommy.</i> Why, me and my friends
the fruits are full of all kinds of helpful things. All: Yeah. - We're healthy! - Vitamin C. - So, hey, what do you say? Are you willing to give us
a try? - That sounds great, but I think I'm just gonna
get some cookies. All: Boo! - That's right, Tommy. Boo. You don't need junk food, why cookies are full
of sugar, and fats and all sorts
of "crumby" things. - "Crumby",
you're funny, Mr. Banana. - I sure am. So, why not give us a try? - Uh, well I happen to know that mom's making
fruit salad for dinner. So, I'll just try you guys then. <i> - But I'm full of</i> potassium which aids in improving
brain function, and I watch you
when you sleep. - You know, that's right my teacher did say
I need to get a lot-- Wait, what?! - It's been proven
that bananas and other fresh
fruits and vegetables are essential
to a growing boy's diet. - Oh, okay, well I guess
I'll just get some water and then go play some more. - Oh, come on, Tommy. If you eat me,
I promise not to cut you. - Wait, what?! Whoa! Why are you talking
like that, Mr. Banana? <i> - EAT ME!</i> [scream] YOU NEED ME! All: Yeah. - I think I'm gonna go now,
Mr. Banana. - NO! DON'T YOU TURN YOUR BACK
ON ME! [screaming banana] Oh, my hubris was my downfall. <i> - Okay, guys.</i> Here's your bill
and your fortune cookies. - Thank you. - Guys, thank you so much
for dinner. - Yeah. You're welcome man. Happy Birthday. "You will commit a crime
in three minutes." Ah. - That's pretty direct. - Yeah, mine are never
that specific. - What does yours say? - Mine says, "You will
witness a crime in three minutes." - Jeremy,
what does yours say? - "You will die
in three minutes." <i> [audience: Oh!]</i> - Matt, I think
you're gonna kill Jeremy. - No, I'm not. Why would I do that? - I don't know. Jealousy? <i> [gasp]</i> - What? Jeremy, I'm not jealous
of you. - I've gotta get out of here. - Are you kidding me? This is just
a weird coincidence. Look we'll get new fortunes
and it will be fine. Sorry, I need to use these
for science. "You will soon acquire $50,
see? - That's the exact amount of
money I have in my wallet. <i> [gasp]</i> - Jeremy, I-- - You're gonna kill me
and rob me? - Matt! - No, I wouldn't kill you
for $50 dollars. - Oh, so you would kill him
for more than $50! - I'm not killing anyone. Least of all my friends. - I have a child, Matt. What's gonna happen to him when his father is
murdered and robbed? If I were a billionaire,
he would become Batman. But I'm not a billionaire,
I'm middle class! Middle class, Matt! My son will never be Batman! - Jeremy! Your son will not be orphaned. - Tell that to my new fortune. "Your son will be an orphan! And then grow up
to be Robin!" - Oh. - Robin, Matt! You've cursed my son to wear
tights the rest of his days. - Jeremy,
I'm not going to kill you. Stacey, back me up. - My new fortune says,
"You will find true love." - See, we know
that's not happening. - Hey! - I just call it
like I see it. - Wait, Jeremy,
it's almost time, you need to leave. - What? Why do you have that? - I started it the second
you read your fortune. - This is why you're single. - What? - Just, just take my wallet. Please don't kill me. - Jeremy,
I'm not going to kill-- [electronic beeping] - No crime committed. - Um, excuse me, sir, you are parked in
front of a fire hydrant, and around here
that's a crime. - Oh no. - Oh, sorry. Both: [chuckling] - Hi.
- Hi. - Nice stopwatch. - Oh man. [choking sounds] - No! No, Jeremy, no! - Breathe! Breathe! - Ah, ah! He's okay. The fortune was wrong. [silenced gunshot] [thud] - I will look after your son. <i> - You guys, it's a beautiful,</i>
fresh, fall day outside. Let's do something. - Oh hey, you guys
want to have a picnic? - Oh yeah, I've got some
plastic cups and plates I could get. - Oh yeah. - I have lemonade. - I got bread and stuff,
we can make PB&J sandwiches. - Awesome! Yes! And I will bring
my winning personality. Oh, I'm so excited! Oh man, I haven't been
on a picnic, since I can't even remember,
w-w-what are you doing, Matt? - Making PB&J sandwiches. - Uh, yeah, but why are you
putting the jelly on top of the peanut butter
on the same piece of bread? - Because
that's how you do it. - Uh, no. It's not. I watch Top Chef, Matt. I know what
I'm talking about. You need to use each piece
of bread for each ingredient. - I'm sorry, is my inferior
way of spreading two ingredients on a sandwich gonna ruin
the most basic meal of all time? - So, you admit
your way is inferior. - This is stupid. - You're right. That is stupid. - It's not inferior, okay? This way you get
the perfect proportion of peanut butter to jelly. - Hey guys-- [gasp] Matt, what are you doing
to that sandwich? - He's ruining it. - I'm perfecting it. - No, no, no, you're doing it
all wrong. - Thank you! - You've got to put peanut
butter on both slices of bread, and then the jelly
in the middle. - What?
- What? - That way the bread doesn't
get all soaked up from the jelly. I hate soggy bread. - But then you would taste
nothing but peanut butter. Have you seen Top Chef,
Jason? There is a delicate balance. - Which is why you have
to balance both ingredients on one piece of bread. - I got the-- Matt, why didn't you toast
those sandwiches first? All: Oh! - Do you have a soul? - Do you have a brain? - We are doing this my way! - Don't ruin this, just like
you ruined Thanksgiving! - Ah, you had to bring
that up. - Guys! Every second we waste is
another bite of purple bread. - She is right. Okay, who made
instant potatoes on the most important
feast of the year? You pig! - Have you made
real mashed potatoes? I googled it. You have to peel ‘em,
boil ‘em, mash'em, stick 'em in a stew. I'm not
Samwise flippin' Gamgee! - That's why it's a feast
on one day of the year! I don't even know
who you guys are?! [all arguing] <i> - Hey, what are
we yelling about?</i> [chuckling] Guys, oh man,
you guys are too much fun. Not to be that nosy neighbor
or anything, but I couldn't help
but overhear your conversation and I think I can help. Have you guys ever heard
of Smucker's Goober? <i> 'Kay, it's great</i> <i> because the peanut
butter and the</i> jelly are in the same container-- [smashing glass] [gasp] Oh, don't worry about it,
I have more at home. - Get. Out. - Okay, do you want help-- - Ah! - I thought maybe-- - GO! GET OUT! - Will you be ordering yet
signore? - Maybe give her
like five more minute-- - Are you sure she is coming? - Yeah, yeah. Definitely. - Perhaps she does not find
you attractive? - Okay, yeah. You're right. Maybe I should order. I don't think
she's gonna make it. <i> - Excellente,</i> signore. [clapping] Giamante, Giorgio,
we have a single here. - Aww! - I don't think
that's completely necessary. That just seems,
a little too much. Okay. - What can we get
for you today, signore? - Um, what are your specials? - Tonight, we have meat from
two pigs who are deeply in love, but for you, you can get the meat from
that old pig who died alone, like you. - I think I'll just have the
lasagna and some water. - Giamente! - Eh? - Lasagna, for one. Water, for one. At the table, for only one. - Very sad, but I will do it. - Gratzie. - Ah. Hello, signore. Are you interested
in a serenade? - Ah no, I think one of
the couples might like that. - Ah, no, no. Let me sing for you. Octavia! Ah, this man is alone-ay. - Alone-ay? - Let us sing a duet for him. - Ah, so sad, his face is
so sad, it's so sad. - ♪ Love is splendid,
and love is love ♪ ♪ like the love between... ♪ - Stephen. - ♪ And no one. ♪ - ♪ Without love
you have nothing. ♪ - ♪ Nothing but death. ♪ - [groaning noises] Both: ♪ Good thing we are all
in love, loneliness. ♪ - Your lasagna, signore. - Thank you. - But if you like,
I can cut it with a knife with notches down the middle, make it look like the heart
was ripped apart. - That's okay, I'll just. - Okay. [thwap] - Thank you. - Excuse, signore. Our English
is a not the best, but Giorgio and I heard
of your sadness and we made you this. - You didn't have to. <i> - Ah,</i> we are so sorry
at your losses. Eh. - Eh. - Eh. - You know what,
that's it for me. Waiter, could I just get this
to go? - To go? You have no one to go to. - I, hey. - Stephen,
I'm sorry I'm late. - Whitney! I'm so glad you came. - Eh! - Eh! - Eh! - ♪ Amore! ♪ [indistinct happy chattering] - No, please. I came to break up with you. [small sobbing noises] - Tip? - You're kidding. Get out of my face. - Eh? What is this? -Hey guys,
you're halfway done and I'm all the way done
with my popcorn, so, you handle
the rest of this. - Will do. And now would be
a great time to subscribe and then unfollow
Jason on Instagram. <i> - Hey!</i> - Keep watching. [laughing] - Over here, son. - Hey mom and dad. How's it going? - Good. - All right. - Hey, sorry,
Whitney's in the bathroom, she'll be right out. - So who is this girl, Jason, we don't know anything
about her. - You guys are going
to love her. She's smart, attractive, won a bunch of awards
in college actually. - Hey. - Oh. - Mom, Dad, this is Whitney. - Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi there, have a seat. We already ordered the food, so it should be out any minute. - Okay. - You know, Jason's only told
us a little about you, but from what he's said,
you sound like a great girl. - Ah, thank you. You two have a wonderful son. - Whitney actually wants to
teach French in high school. - And here are
your breadsticks. Your food will be right out. - Thank you. - Is that so? I just love
the French language. It's very elegant. - Oh, I know
I feel the same way, I think-- [bell dings] <i> [audience laughing]</i> <i> [audience laughing]</i> - What is wrong with her? - I told you she's won a lot
of awards... for hot dog eating
competitions. [bell dings] - Yah! Oh, oh, I am,
I am so sorry about that. Sometimes when
I get a little nervous, I go into game mode,
you know. I'm really sorry. - It's okay dear, try to think
non-competitive thoughts, okay? - So, Whitney, um,
do you have any hobbies? - I do, I love-- [bell dings] - It's like watching a pelican
with lipstick. [bell dings] - Um, anyway, I was saying
I really love music. - And here are your meals. - Oh. - Did something spill? - Oh, no, thank you. We're fine. [bell dings] - Uh. - Please, no more. - What is happening? - Stop giving her food. - Oh, that's-- that's-- - Honey. Honey, don't you
want to take a break? - I think I'm gonna throw up. - Um. - That was mine. - It's gone now, mom. She's in the zone. - So, Whitney,
where are you from? Should we wait
until she's finished? Or do we just... [bell dings] - Yeah! Boo-yah! Whoo! Yah, baby! Yeah, yeah. Take me away from here,
Jason. - ♪ Hey, it's your birthday, ♪ ♪ so we're gonna do something
really special for you. ♪ [bell dings] [Stephen keeps singing] - No! What! - What's happening? - Seriously though Samantha, I am so excited for you
and your new job. - Thanks, I'm excited too. - Yeah. - It's nice I get to stay
in the area. - Yeah, I know, seriously. - Let's figure out
what we want to eat. - Yeah, I know,
I haven't been here before. Wait a second, do you see that guy back there? - That guy that's<i>
obviously staring at you</i> <i> and way into you?</i> - He is not. Come on. - He's<i> still looking at you.</i> He's smiling at you. You gotta do something. - What? Like what? - I don't know,
smile and wink at him. - Come on. - Whoa. Did you see that? - Yeah, he's totally into me. <i> - No, he's not.</i> - What should I do now? - Wait. Are you still interested
in him? <i> - I don't know, Alyssa.</i> <i> - No, he's</i> totally flirting
with me. <i> - Okay,</i> no. I know he's flirting
with you, just maybe
you shouldn't flirt back. - What? But you said he was cute. - I have more
information now. - Oh my goodness,
he wants me to sit by him. What should I do? <i> - Don't do it.</i> - You're right. Play hard to get. - Alyssa,
you are hard to get, especially for a guy
like that. - Ah, thanks, Samantha! [growls] -But he's so cute! [coughing] - Okay, no. This has to stop. - Well, Oh! That's so sweet. - But in the grossest way. <i> - [gasps]</i> What? - [disgusted] Oh! <i> How</i> in the world? [vomiting noises] He put this in my mouth for me! - That's not right. - Oh, he's coming over. - This is a mistake! Alyssa, this is a mistake. - Hey. - Oh, hey. Oh, no, I was flirting
with your friend. - Wait? Me? - Yeah, obviously. - But the rose? - Yeah, you were supposed
to give that to her. Why would I make someone
I like gag up a rose? - That's so sweet. <i> - It was</i> always for you. Want to get outta here? - Sorry, Alyssa,
I've gotta go. <i> - What?</i> <i> But?</i> [vomiting noise] Wait! You guys forgot your-- Mm, that's good. - Matt? Matt, are you home? - I'm so worried about him. He hasn't answered his phone
in a week. - Matt? [surprised yells] [groans] - Oh! Hi, guys! - Matt! What happened? - You look-- - Different? - Largely different. - I've filled in a little,
but I've never felt better. [screams] How are you guys? - We've been worried
about you. But now, I feel like maybe
we weren't worried enough. - Oh, sorry I haven't been
answering your calls. My phone is
in my back pocket, and I can no longer reach
that area. - What has happened to you? - I have been on a cleanse
for the last month. - You gained all that weight
on a juice cleanse? - Not a juice cleanse,
a bacon cleanse. - You've been eating nothing
but bacon for a month? - Never felt better. Oh! That was my last chair. - Matt, you can't just eat bacon
for every meal. That's not how cleanses work. - Of course
that's how cleanses work. You pick one thing
and eat only that thing. Juice, bacon, bacon juice. - That's grease. - I've heard it both ways. - Matt, this isn't healthy. Just look how much weight
you've put on. - I'm fine! [screams] See? - Are we going to talk
about that? - It's just something
the body does. <i> - No, Matt,</i> you need to see
a doctor. - Ha! I am as healthy as an ox. And weigh as much as an ox. - Matt, you need
a more balanced diet. - Bacon has everything
you need to survive, Mal. Meat. - You can't live
on just meat! - Explain that to a lion! You know, sometimes-- I stood up too fast. - Oh! - Ah! - That was unfortunate. - When was the last time
you exercised? - When did Shrek come out? - 2001. - I've never exercised. [grunts] - Well, at least he has to get
up to cook the bacon. - Actually, it's precooked, and I have it delivered
by Amazon drone. Sometimes it just hovers
above my head and feeds me. Like an angel dropping bacon
manna from heaven. - So, you get
no physical activity? - I chew. Usually. - Ugh, Matt. You can't live like this. - And yet here I am,
living, breathing, sweating in strange places. - But if you go on like this,
you're going to die. - Everyone dies, Mallory. Not everyone truly lives. [screams] [screams] Okay, maybe I'm not well. But I can't stop now. My cuddling opportunities
have increased ten-fold. - Matt, your everything has
increased ten-fold. - You're right. I do admit, it'd be nice if I could fit
in my bathtub again. - You haven't been bathing? - No, I have. There's a fountain
at the mall... And now
that I've said that out loud, I'm ready to make
some life changes. - Yeah. - Would you help me go buy
some fruits and vegetables? - Yes. - Of course. - Thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh. Goodbye old friend. I've enjoyed our time-- [screams] Let's go before I die. - Come on. Come on. - [Russian accent] Remove. Jim Blond, MI6's most
notorious secret agent. [slap] - What happened? Where am I? Where's Olivia? - I'm here, Jim. - That is enough question
from you, Mr. Blond. All that you need know is that I am in possession
of nuclear submarine. My plan is nearly complete. All that I require now are
the launch codes, which conveniently are
in your head. - Don't give them to him,
Jim. - Don't worry my darling, I'd die
before I told him anything. [snap] - I thought you might
say that Mr. Blond, but I am nevertheless confident that you can still be persuaded. - Is that a scale? - Very good Mr. Blond. - Is that supposed
to intimidate me? - [laughing] Not at all. It's effect is intended
for her. - What? - Get her onto scale. - What? - Social networking is
quite a marvel, isn't it? Information is shared as fast
as it takes to click button. So, my dear, I think it
should only take few minutes for entire world to know
your exact weight. That is of course,
unless you give me code. - [scoffs]
This is your threat? How insecure
do you think I am? Give him the code, Jim. - What? - Give it to him, Jim! - Olivia, you can't just-- - Jim, please! There's no time to argue,
just give him what he wants! - Olivia, calm down, think of all the people
who will die. - This does not have
to get ugly, Mr. Blond. All I want is code. - Am I the only one who thinks
that this isn't a big deal? - NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! [sobbing] Please! [sobbing] - This can all end
now, Mr. Blond. She need not suffer
any longer. - Olivia, this isn't real. It's all in your head. - [sobbing] Jim, please. Please just give him
what he wants. [sobbing continues] - What will it be, Jim? Are you prepared to sit there and let her pay ultimate price? - Ultimate price? What do you weigh,
like a 140 pounds? One hundred twen--
ninety pounds? - Never guess weight. - Jim, please. - Mm, logging in to Twitter. - No. No. Please, I beg you. - I have many followers. - No. [sobbing] - Very well, again. - NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! NO! <i> - Wait!</i> <i> I'll give them to you.</i> [sobbing] - Let's have it. - One. One. One. - That is worst code ever. - Put her back in chair
and meet me at warheads. Da svidania, Mr. Blond. [electronic ring] <i> - Jim, do you read me?</i> - She must be
trying to contact me on my satellite watch. Em, do you copy? <i> - Yes, are you in trouble?</i> - Unfortunately I gave up
the launch codes to prevent Olivia's weight from being disclosed
to the world. I can't believe
I've done this. Em, do you copy? <i> - You made the right call, Jim.</i> [Beethoven's Symphony
No. 5 in C Minor, Opus 67] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ - Oh man, poor Matt. He was so close
to his grandma. - Well, she's in
a better place now. - Yeah. <i> - Hey guys.</i> - [whispers] Adam,
where have you been? Tell me you did not stop for
food on the way to a funeral! - Is that bad? - Yes, it's incredibly
disrespectful. - Okay, but in my defense,
I was really hungry. - Oh, okay. Adam, Matt's in a low place
right now and we need to be there for him. Okay? - Well, this burrito
doesn't stop me from being there for him. It's not like they put hot
sauce on it or anything. Okay, it may stop me
a little. - Adam, is that a Slurpee? - I have more class
than that, Mal. It's a frozen fruit mixture. -[sigh] How is that differe-- - It's completely different. <i> - Okay, Adam,
you need to get rid of this.</i> - What? No! I'm starving. - A person has died! - I may die if I don't get this
inside me. - Okay, give me, Adam. - It's mine. - Adam, thanks
for being here. - Of course. I too know what it's like to
lose something precious to you. - Thank you. - Hey guys. Um, not to worry you
or anything, but I think somebody might
have been throwing burritos. I'm sorry for your loss. - Give me that. You all owe me
a new breakfast burrito. And you owe that guy
a new mustache. - Just let it go. Let it - Oh. - Adam! - People can see you. - You're spilling it, Adam. - [screams] All: Shhh! - Brain freeze!! [Adam continues
to intermittently scream] - Are you okay, Adam? - No! - Adam is overcome
with grief. - Really? - The pain! - Yeah, yeah. - I feel it too. - Not like this! - I didn't even realize
you knew her. - I didn't. I didn't. [screams] But look at her,
look at her face, she had a soul made
of rainbows! [screams] [screams] Grandma! Bye Grandma! Oh, oh, these flowers,
they lay here, may one day wilt
and cease to bloom. But our love,
our love<i> for you,</i> <i> it will</i> never die! Oh! Oh! Rest in peace, you sweet,
sweet, gray-haired angel. [kiss] - Well, I'm really touched. - I think I need to sit down. - Sure. - You know
that was really moving, despite the fact
that you are a colossal idiot. - I'm just glad
it's all over. Oh, look
there's still a lot left. ♪♪ - Hey Jason! - Matt? What are you doing? - I'm just, you know-- <i> - Oh my</i> goodness! Are you-- No man! Don't! - No! I'm just-- <i> - You have so much</i> to live for! Don't! Don't do it! - Hey, hey, hey. Is everything okay, dude? - It's Matt. <i> - Listen, I'm not-- I'm
just--</i> I'm just sittin' here. <i> - Matt, no, no,</i> no, Matt! Listen, no, no. Stop what you're doing, and you don't have
to do this, Matt. - No. <i> - Listen, you are,</i> <i> you are a beautiful,
beautiful</i> man, Matt. Stop! - You are beautiful! - Just stop, Matt! Please! - You are good looking. - Thank you. But listen, Stace, I'm fine. Nothing is happening. - Honey?! <i> Oh my gosh, I can't believe
this is happening.</i> Okay. Sweetie, I love you,
please don't do this. <i> - I'm not doing</i> anything,
honey. <i> - If this is because</i> I spent
$2000 on shoes last month, I am so, so sorry. - I was not aware of that. <i> - I know, but it's</i> no reason
to do this. <i> - I'm not doing</i> anything. - Don't you say that. You're doing something. What about your job? <i> - What about your</i> car? Huh? <i> - Yeah.</i> - That's not my car. It's<i> that one.</i> <i> - Man, I can</i> see
why he's starting to do this. <i> - I heard</i> that. <i> - See!</i> Your hearing is amazing! - Yeah! - Wow, honey! Yeah! - 20/20<i> hearing!</i> [car screeching to a halt.] - Honey! Honey! Matt, oh my sweet baby<i> boy!</i> - Mom? - Matt, please don't do this
to me. I couldn't bear it. <i> - Why</i> are you here? You live in Chicago. <i> - I</i> came as soon as I heard. - Heard from who? [loud slurping sound] - Oh, sorry, man,
that was me. I've been live-tweeting
this whole thing. <i> - Please, Matt,</i> I know
I wasn't the greatest mother-- <i> - You were
a</i> wonderful mother. - No, I'm not. You remember your pen pal
in high school? Kelly? - Yeah? <i> - That</i> was me. - What? <i> - I wanted to</i> make you feel
good about<i> yourself.</i> <i> I mean, you didn't have
any</i> friends, like at all. - Mom, please don't. <i> - And then when you told</i>
"Kelly" that you loved her, <i> I knew that
I had to stop writing you</i> 'cause it was pretty weird. - Please-- <i> - But I talked to a therapist
and he told me</i> <i> that it's</i> perfectly normal for a son to feel that way
about his mother. - Mom! Please stop talking! <i> - My twitter is blowing up.</i> I am getting
so many re-tweets. - Look! Will you all please stop. I am fine. Or at least I was
until you all came here. <i> - Don't</i> do this, Matt! - Don't do it. - I'm not doing anything! I'm just eating a sandwich. <i> - That's what
we're</i> talking about. Don't eat the Arby's<i> melt.</i> <i> It's not worth it.</i> - We could go
on a mother/son outing. - They're right. [sighs of relief] - Thanks so much for watching, and don't forget to subscribe
and check out our other videos. - Share this
with your friends, comment below, there's so many fun things
to talk about with food. Am I right? - It's true. - I think we should do a season
where we just do food sketches. - We're always dressed up
as food. We're always eating food. We're inside a giant watermelon
at all times. - Yes. All right. Season 10, stay tuned. Or should I say Season-- - Stay toned! - Stay toned. [slap] - Nailed it.
