- Hey, guys! You're about to watch
a compilation of all of our throwback videos. - Some of the stuff we made
when we first started the show, way back when this old man
came into town and taught us what comedy was. - Yeah. And after he taught us, he evaporated into just
a swarm of crows. - We've been cursed
ever since. Enjoy! ♪♪ - Hey, bosss, here are
those files you wanted on the new guys we hired,
Jason and Stephen. - Oh, thank you. - Yeah. - [sighs] Great. - Something wrong? - Well, Stephen is from Texas. And you just know
he's gonna come in here with his giant Texas flag and tell useless state facts
and talk about the food and Rudy's steak sauce. - Okay. Well, maybe he won't be so bad. - If he doesn't say
everything is bigger in Texas within the first 10 seconds
he walks in here, I will give you 20 bucks. - Okay. - Oh, hey! You're not wearing
a state flag as a cape. You must be Jason. - No, I'm Stephen. I just moved here from Texas. - Oh. - And everything is bigger-- - Here it comes. - In this break room
than my last one. Wow. There's a microwave. - Thank you. - Oh, I left my drink
at my desk. It was nice meeting y'all. - Did you hear
how he said y'all? How obnoxious was that? - You're reaching. - I know. He's actually not that bad. And you know the other guy
won't be annoying, because he's from... - Rhode Islaaaaaaaaaand! [still saying "Island"] Yeah! Whoo! - Well, at least he doesn't
have a flag. - You mean this flag? Whitney:<i> What?</i> [pounds chest] - So how many Rhode Islanders
we got in the building? - Oh... - What? Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now? Come on! - I've been to New York. - [stammering] You've been
to New York? And not Rhode Island? How is that even possible, man? [laughs] - Well, New York is a lot bigger
and more important than Rhode Island, so-- Jason:<i> Yeah, well,</i> New York
may be the Big Apple, but Rhode Island
is the apple seed. Because everything's smaller
in Rhode Island, baby! Ha ha ha! Mmm. - Those seeds are poisonous. - You're poisonous! With that attitude, yep. Hey, dude, where you from? Where you from? - Uh, Alaska. - 425.8. - Th-- huh? - That's how many times my state can fit
into your state. Oh! Ha ha ha! Yeah! How does that make you feel? - Th-- It's big. - Yeah, I bet it makes you
feel huge, doesn't it? - Uh, yeah. - Yeah. I'm thirsty, thank you. Ha ha. [spits drink] Is this filtered water? No, no. You see, in Rhode Island, we
don't have those fancy things like rivers or mountains
or plants. We drink water
the way nature intended, with motor oil
and acid rain. Fortunately, I brought both. - Ugh. - So much better, thank you. <i> I appreciate it.</i> - Well, Rhode Islands sounds
like a very interesting place. You'll have to tell us
about it sometime. - Sounds like what you need
is the Rhode Island state rap. Hit it! ♪♪ Yeah. ♪♪ Yeah! You ready to learn
about the greatest state of all the states
in the United States? - Yeah! - Well, it's coming atcha. [rapping] Listen up, all you
haters don't be dense! The world's greatest capital
is Providence! People always judging,
trying to give me a label. Well, everybody knows
the state tree's the red ma-ple! - Okay, well let's just go,
come on down here. - [rapping] Now I'm gonna
sing about minerals! - Okay, no, go,
off the table! Cut the music! Where is it coming from? [music stops] Okay, down. Off the table. Nobody cares
where you're from, okay? You are fired. - You know what? I don't need you. The 13 Colonies will rise again! Whitney:<i> And take your</i>
stupid flag with you! - Did you just throw
that with your left hand? [gasps] Are you left-handed? - Yeah. Are you? Oh! Both: Southpaw, southpaw,
league of lefties, rah, rah, rah! Yeah! Whoo! - Left hand! - Oh, hey, uh-oh, psych! - Yeah, what's up? - Only for lefties! Oh, hey, they'll clean this up,
don't worry. - Yeah. - So what do you think
about scissors? Jason:<i> Oh!</i> <i> Don't get me started.</i> [applause] Matt: [thinking]<i> Okay, okay.</i> <i> It's the end of the date
and here comes the doorstep.</i> <i> Don't panic, you've
practiced this a hundred times</i> <i> with your roommates.</i> <i> Aw, man, it looks like she's
heading straight for the door</i> <i>without even saying good night.</i> <i> Don't let her go inside!</i> <i> Quick, throw something
at her face.</i> [glass shatters] <i> Oh, she's turning around.</i> <i> You're good.</i> <i> You're good.</i> - Well, this is me. - [thinking]<i> Okay, now puff
out your chest ever so slightly.</i> <i> You're strong.</i> <i> Remember, you cranked out
14 push-ups before this date,</i> <i> and you only blacked out
for a second.</i> - Well I had a really nice
time tonight, Matt. - [thinking]<i> Yeah, you did.</i> - We should definitely
do this again sometime. - [thinking]<i> Yeah!</i> <i> Daddy's got game!</i> [out loud] Yeah, that'd be cool. Mallory:<i> Yeah, maybe next time</i>
we could double with one of your roommates
or something. - [thinking]<i> I knew you were
eyeing my roommates,</i> <i> you frothy tart!</i> [out loud] Ah,
that'd be awesome, although one of them is really
busy and the other one is... dying. - Oh, wow, that's awful. - Yeah. [thinking]<i> Why are you lying?</i> <i> Quick, change the subject.</i> [out loud] So, that
darn economy, huh? - Yeah. - [thinking]<i> Oh my goodness,
she's playing with her keys</i> <i> just like in the movie Hitch!</i> <i> Will Smith said that means
she wants to kiss you.</i> <i> Wait, is that different
for white people?</i> [keys jingling] [thinking]<i> Oh, what luck.</i> <i> Her hair's blocking her face.</i> <i> Gently brush it
out of the way.</i> <i> You're as smooth as silk,
Maverick.</i> <i> Man, I wish people
would call me Maverick.</i> <i> Okay, now lean in slowly.</i> <i> Oh no, I didn't
check my breath.</i> <i> Back away slowly.</i> <i> She didn't even notice.</i> <i> Way to go, Mav.</i> <i> Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, why are
people coming up to the door?</i> <i> This is so awkward.</i> <i> I don't know what to do
with my hands.</i> <i> I-- Yeah, this feels natural.</i> [audience laughs] - Uh, hey, Natalie. - Hey. - Matt, this is
my roommate Natalie. - Hi. - And this is... - Oh, this is Stephen. We just got back
from the movie theater. - Yeah, it's pretty awesome
that we showed up at the exact same time. Matt: [thinking]<i> Oh,
I am not moving.</i> <i> If this guy thinks
he's edging me</i> <i> out of my good night,
he is wrong.</i> <i> Look him in the eyes.</i> <i> Yeah, he knows.</i> <i> he knows.</i> - Well, I had a fun time,
Natalie. - Yeah, sure. Matt: [thinking]<i> Loser.</i> [out loud] So nice
to meet you, Natalie. - Nice to meet you, too. Ooh, I think I feel a chill. I'll head inside. - So sorry about that. - [thinking]<i> Yeah, yeah,
yeah, and we're back.</i> - Oh. - [thinking]<i> Hold
the eye contact.</i> <i> Now give her
a sincere compliment.</i> <i> Tell her you like her...</i> [out loud] I like your... [thinking]<i> Say something.</i> <i> Oh, please say something!</i> <i> Compliment her shoes!</i> <i> Oh, never mind.</i> <i> Just say something!</i> [out loud] ...up. I like Europe... In the spring. [thinking]<i> You are an idiot.</i> - Oh, you're kidding. I do too. I lived there
for a year, actually, and the spring
is breathtaking. - [thinking]<i> Never mind!</i> [vocalizing in mind] [thinking]<i> Wait,
is she still talking?</i> - ...have you? - [out loud] Yes. - Wow. You're an interesting guy,
Matt. - [thinking]<i> Interesting good,</i> <i> or interesting
like a mental illness?</i> <i> Ah, man, everything's
falling apart!</i> <i> Just kiss her!</i> <i> Now!</i> <i> Force the eye contact.</i> - Ah! - [thinking]<i> Okay,
now move in slowly,</i> <i> like you're creeping up
on a gazelle.</i> <i> No, a sleeping baby.</i> <i> No, don't picture her
as a sleeping baby right now!</i> <i> That is every kind of wrong!</i> <i> Oh, what is happening?</i> <i> I can't feel my legs!</i> <i> Oh, ah, yeah,
I'm blacking out again.</i> [thuds] [rewinding] Mallory: [thinking]<i>
Ah, the doorstep.</i> <i> This part of the night
always makes me</i> <i> so nervous and sweaty.</i> <i> What's that?</i> <i> Oh my gosh, I have
something in my teeth.</i> <i> Holy nasty, what is that?</i> <i> Just stay calm.</i> <i> Put it in your pocket,</i> <i> where it will probably
grow babies.</i> [out loud] Well, this me. [thinking]<i> Uh, what is he
doing with his chest?</i> [out loud] Well, I had a really
nice night tonight, Matt. We should definitely do this
again sometime. - Yeah, that'd be cool. - Yeah, maybe next time
we could double with one of your roommates
or something. [thinking]<i> Specifically
the hot one.</i> Matt:<i> Ah, that would
be</i> awesome, although one of them
is really busy, and the other one is... dying. - Oh, wow, that's awful! [thinking]<i> Especially if
it's the hot one!</i> <i> He's too hot to die!</i> <i> Unless he dies
from heat stroke.</i> <i> Buh-dum-bum-tssch.</i> - So, that darn economy, huh? - [thinking]<i> Ah, look at him
grasping at straws.</i> <i> So cute.</i> <i> Let's kiss.</i> <i> C'mere, boy!</i> [whistling in mind] [thinking]<i> Okay, he's
obviously still confused.</i> <i> Do something flirtatious.</i> <i> Coyly put your hair
in front of your face</i> <i> so he can brush it away.</i> <i> Nicely done.</i> <i> Okay, he's coming in now.</i> <i> Remember, he goes 90,
you go 10,</i> <i> just like in the movie Hitch.</i> <i> Wait, is that different
for white people?</i> <i> Oh, he's backing off.</i> <i> Uh, just turn this
into a body roll.</i> <i> Yeah.</i> <i> Fifth-grade hip hop lessons
really paying off now!</i> <i> Oh, no.</i> <i> What are Natalie
and her munchkin doing here?</i> <i> Oh, look what it's done
to Matt.</i> <i> He looks like a sad mute
waiting to be buried.</i> [out loud] Hey, Natalie. - Hey. - Uh, Matt, this is
my roommate Natalie. - Hi. - And this is... - Oh, this is Stephen. We just got back
from the movie theater. - Yeah, it's pretty awesome
that we got back at the exact same time. Mallory: [thinking]<i>
Oh, this is so awkward.</i> <i> I was more comfortable</i> <i> that time I tripped
on a homeless man</i> <i> and fell into his pile
of dirty blankets.</i> <i> What was on those?</i> - Well, I had a fun time,
Natalie. - Sure. Mallory: [thinking]<i> Loser.</i> - So nice to meet you,
Natalie. - Nice to meet you, too. Mallory: [thinking]<i>
Now get out, Natalie!</i> <i> Smile, but wish her harm
with your eyes.</i> - Ah! Oh, I think I feel a chill? I'll head inside. - [clears throat]
So sorry about that. Oh. - I like your... - [thinking]<i> Oh my gosh,</i> <i> he can't think of anything
to like about me.</i> <i> I'm a hideous monster.</i> <i> I have a snaggle tooth and I
have female-pattern baldness.</i> <i> I can usually cover it
with little hats and bonnets,</i> <i> but I forgot them.</i> - ...up. I like Europe. In the spring. - Oh, you're kidding. I do too. I lived there
for a year, actually, and the spring
is breathtaking, although getting overseas
is a total nightmare because airport security
treats you like you're some
sort of terrorist. I mean, I've never
killed anyone, have you? [audience laughs] - Yes. - Wow. You're an interesting guy,
Matt. [thinking]<i> Interesting
like a mental illness!</i> [out loud] Ah! [thinking]<i> What?</i> <i> He wants to kiss me</i> <i> right after he admits
to being a murderer?</i> <i> Natalie, come back!</i> <i>I'm sorry about the dirty looks,</i> <i> I was just a kid then!</i> <i> Now I'm all grown up
and I'm about to kiss</i> <i> a serial killer.</i> <i> Who knows where those lips
have been!</i> <i> I can't stop it,
it's just happening.</i> <i> Someone save me, please!</i> [thuds] [exhales] ♪♪ - P90X is the best
home workout system ever. You're gonna be
burning calories, working muscles you didn't
even know you had or wanted. You're gonna be moving up,
down, left, right. You might even give birth. I don't know. It's happened. You're going to want to die, but you'll thank me
when we're done. The thing is, you've got
to bring it every time. Don't say, "I can't." Say, "I presently am
incompetent at this thing." The X stands for extreme,
okay? You've got to bring it. P stands for pain. Extreme pain. By the end of 90 days, you're gonna look like
a completely different person. You might change genders. P90X. I hate it, but I love it. ♪♪ All right, P90X fans,
let's get started right away with the warm up! Get our hands up,
get those legs pumping, get that blood flowing. I'm gonna introduce you
to the crew here. This is Jeremy. He's a P90X gradute,
he's an animal. Over here is Mallory. Also a P90X grad,
gonna be showing us some modified moves today. All right, good warm up. Let's get things
started right away with Mary Katherine Lunges. I'm gonna get sideways
so you can see me. Here we go in five, four... three, two... and, one. And two. Don't get ahead of me. Three. And four. Now, Mallory is showing you
modified. If that's where you're at,
that's fine. Just do your best,
forget the rest. All right, good job. Let's move on now
to chair dips. Get your chairs out at home. There are a couple ways
to do this. Once we get started,
I will explain. I'm done talking. Here we go. Five, four... three, two... and, one. And two. And three. Okay, let's make it X-like. Let's raise a leg. Mallory's showing modified. <i> There it is.</i> Don't be a hero and let
your ego get in the way, but Jeremy and I are
showing you how it's done. He's calm on the surface,
but there's a storm underneath. <i> Okay, good job, let's move on
now to clapping push-ups,</i> or plyo push-ups. These are hard,
so set a goal in your mind, do as many as you can
with good form. Here we go. Five, four... three, two... and, one. And two. And three. This is the time to bring it. P90X. What are you made of? <i> What are your goals?</i> Mallory is showing you modified. All right, good job. Let's move on now
to plyometrics. This is the X in P90X. I'm gonna get sideways
so you can see me. Here we go. Five, four... three, two... and, one. And two. We spin on the fourth one. <i> Here it comes.</i> <i> There it is.</i> <i> Tip of the day,
think like a cat.</i> Land on your toes,
all right? Soft landings. Mallory is showing you modified. [thud] I know your thighs
are burning. They're supposed to. Okay, good job, let's
take things down a notch with some Yoga X. I'm gonna get sideways
so you can see me. Down into plank position. Chaturanga. [workout music] ♪♪ Get the head out of the shell. Mallory, again,
showing you modified. Into runner's stance. Up to warrior one. Warrior two. Reverse warrior. Now reach under your hand--
under your thigh. Grab your hand
with your other hand. We don't know what this does,
but it hurts. ♪♪ All right! If that's your last workout
of the day, a good time
for a recovery drink. We'll see you next time! ♪♪ - Diane? - Yeah? Stephen:<i> I don't have a lot,</i> <i> but what I do</i> have
belongs to you. [piano music] ♪♪ Will you marry me? - Uh... Derek:<i> Diane.</i> - Derek? - I've been a fool. All those years,
you were right there for me when I needed you, and... I want to make up
for lost time. Mallory:<i> Okay...</i> <i> Cut!</i> Uh, blue shirt? <i> Blue shirt, what's your</i> name? Russell:<i> Russell.</i> - Russell. - Yeah. Mallory:<i> Okay, Russell,</i>
do you realize that you're staring
into the<i> camera?</i> - I-Is that bad? - Yes, that's bad. Okay, you're an extra. - Yeah. Mallory:<i> So this, this</i>
random guy is proposing. <i> You're surprised.</i> - Yeah. Mallory:<i> But,</i>
you're an extra, so. - I'm an extra. Okay. Okay. - Back to one. Let's run this scene again. Mallory:<i> Action.</i> [piano music] - Diane. - Derek? - [screams] - Cut! Why are you screaming? - Because I'm surprised. Mallory:<i> No!</i> No screams! Russell:<i> You told me
to be surprised.</i> - A small gasp would be
more than enough. - Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes
more sense to do that. - Good. Russell:<i> Okay.</i> - All right,
let's try this again. Everyone back to positions. Mallory:<i> Action.</i> [piano music] - Diane. - Derek? - [gasping dramatically] Derek:<i> All these years you were</i>
beside me and I never... - [still gasping] - Noticed. - Cut! [clears throat] You've got to get rid
of this guy right now. - Actually, he's the executive
producer's son, <i> and he said he
wouldn't finance the film</i> <i> unless he was</i>
featured in it. - Awesome. - I'm not sure
what we can do with that. - Great. - I'm sorry. - That's fine. It's fine. <i> Russell.</i> <i> Hey, buddy.</i> - Hi. - Okay. I would love it if you would
just not make<i> any noise.</i> - Okay. No noise. - Okay? - Okay. Got it. - Great. - Okay, question. This lettuce is a little old. <i> Is that a problem?</i> - No noise. Yeah? Russell:<i> It's just...</i> - Shh. - Sorry, everyone! <i> I'll do better.</i> <i> Okay?</i> <i>That's a</i> promise from Russell. <i> Okay.</i> Mallory:<i> Action.</i> [piano music] - Diane. - Derek? - I've been a fool. All these years--
Mallory:<i> Cut!</i> <i> Okay, Russell.</i> I don't want to see you. I don't want to know
that you're there. - But if I'm not there,
you won't be able to see me. Mallory:<i> Exactly.</i> - Oh. That's what-- Okay. James:<i> All right,
we'll try this one</i> more time. We're gonna get this one. - [whimpers] <i> Action.</i> [piano music] - Diane. - Derek? - I've been a fool. All these years you
were right by my-- Mallory:<i> Oh, my, cut!</i> [beep] - Diane. - Derek? - I've been a fool. Mallory:<i> Cut!</i> [beep] - Diane. - Derek? - I've been a fool. [thuds] Mallory:<i> Cut.</i>
Russell:<i> Ow!</i> [beep] - Diane. - Derek? - I've been a fool. All these years-- Mallory:<i> Cut!</i> <i> Oh, my--</i> [beep] - Diane. - Derek? [spits water] Mallory:<i> Cut!</i> <i> Russell!</i> - No. [beep] - Diane. - Derek! - Oh my goodness! James:<i> Everybody back to one.</i> We're gonna-- Mallory:<i> No.</i> We can fix it in post. I gotta go. - Guys, come quick,
it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What did she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving-- - Stacey... - No! I'm sorry. Oh, dang it! - Guys, come quick,
it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead. [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon dig Doug garden-- [laughter] - Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon digs Doug's garden. [laughter] - Oh, so bad! Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon digs Doug's garden. Dana digs Drake's garden. - Yes, but then she went
deep ditch diving. I drained the deep ditch,
but didn't see Dana. - Dudes! Don't despair! Dana didn't die
deep ditching diving. She was trying to draw
drowsy ducks down by Dairy Queen
down in the d-do... - Oh! - I'm sorry! Okay. - Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon digs Doug's garden. Dana digs Drake's garden. - Yes, but then she went
deep ditch diving. I drained the deep ditch,
but didn't see Dana. - Dudes! - What!? - Don't des-- No! No! I knew! It was you! I paused, that's allowed! - Now you're getting it,
Adam. - Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon digs Doug's garden. Dana digs Drake's garden. - Yes, but then she went
deep ditch diving. I drained the deep ditch,
but didn't see Dana. - Dudes! Don't despair. Dana didn't die
deep ditch diving. She was trying to draw
drowsy ducks down by Dairy Queen downing a Dilly Bar
in her Dodge Dakota. - Dana drawing drowsy ducks? Did she do drugs? - I doubt it was Dana,
she doesn't do well down in ducks-- down in drugs-- [laughter] - Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? [mumbling] No! - What!? - No! - Ah, I can't eat
anymore of these things! - Eat your food! - I'm sorry! - Guys, come quick, it's Dana! - What happened? - She's dead! [spits water] <i> [audience laughs]</i> - Dana's dead? - As a doornail. - What'd she do? - She was diving
into a deep ditch and did a double flip. - Dana, deep ditch diving? Wasn't Dana digging
Doug's garden? - No, Dillon digs Doug's garden. Dana digs Drake's garden. - Yes, but then she went
deep ditch diving. I drained the deep ditch,
but didn't see Dana. - Dudes. Don't despair. Dana didn't die
deep ditch diving. She was trying to draw
drowsy ducks down by Dairy Queen downing a Dilly Bar
in her Dodge Dakota. - Dana drawing drowsy ducks? Did she do drugs? - I doubt it was Dana,
she doesn't do well downing- dairy. Or drawing... drowsy ducks. - Thank you. - Dude, don't you dare
doubt me like dat. - Dana! Dana:<i> Hey, guys!</i> [spits water] - Dana! - Dana, oh, after you did drugs
and deep ditch dove, I drained the deep ditch,
didn't see you, decided you died
deep ditch diving, but a Dodge Dakota
and a Dilly Bar were driving by DQ, but I doubted, 'cause don't you
dislike downing dairy and drawing drowsy ducks? [cheering] Adam:<i> You called for me, boss?</i> - Oh, yes. Thank you so much
for coming in. Ah, listen. <i>So you're a really great worker
and a nice guy.</i> - Oh, thanks. - So this isn't easy to do,
but we are downsizing, so we have to, uh, just... - You're not actually, uh... - We have to,
we have to let you, um... - What are you saying? - I mean, we have to fire... You know what? Let me just sing this to you. - No, I don't really think
that would... help. - Oh, no, it'll defnitely help. This is gonna be
really good, so. [clears throat] ♪ Everything sounds
nicer when you sing. ♪ ♪ When you sing, when you sing,
when you sing. ♪ ♪ As long as it sounds pretty,
you can sing ♪ ♪ evil things, nasty things,
violent things. ♪ - So, am I fired? - ♪ You can tell your grandma ♪ ♪ it's time to
put her in a home. ♪ - Okay! - ♪ Dump your boyfriend,
say he's gonna die alone. ♪ - That's a pretty song, Mal. - Hey, James, hey. - Hey. - Uh, I'm dumping you. - What? - ♪ I mean,
I'm dumping you! ♪ - All right! - ♪ As long as you
are singing, ♪ ♪ they can't trace ♪ ♪ that you just insulted them
to their face. ♪ Like take Jason here,
for example. If I just say to him,
I want to hurt you. - What? - It comes off
a little threatening. But if I sing it
in a jazzy voice. ♪ I want to kick you
in the head. ♪ - Wow! Thank you! [laughs] - You're welcome, Jason. I'll see you in the parking lot
after work. - Okay. ♪ Everything sounds
nicer to music! ♪ ♪ And it helps that Jason
here's an idiot. ♪ - It's true! I am! - ♪ Just imagine if doctors
used this tactic ♪ ♪ when diagnosing
their patients. ♪ - Look, you have
one week to live. - What? I am suing you. - Here, doc, let me try. ♪ Since your surgery, ♪ ♪ you've been infected
through and through ♪ ♪ because this stupid doctor
left his iPod inside you. ♪ - Well, I've lived
a good life. Sing it, girl! - ♪ You can tell your friend ♪ ♪ that she looks awful
in those pants. ♪ - Really? Okay. - ♪ And admit you never
ever wash your hands. ♪ - Hey! Ah. - ♪ I hope you don't mind
ruining that blazer. ♪ ♪ Security's coming,
and they're bringing tasers. ♪ ♪ Because you are<i> fired!</i> ♪ All: ♪ Fired, fired! ♪ - ♪ You didn't do
anything wrong, ♪ ♪ you're just<i> fired!</i> ♪ All: ♪ Fired, fired! ♪ - ♪ You are<i> fired!</i> ♪ All: ♪ Fired, fired! ♪ Mallory: ♪<i> Just 'cause
we</i> don't like your face, ♪ ♪ you are fired! ♪ ♪ And you're not getting
severance pay. ♪ [audience applause] - Hey, you look happy. What's up? - I have a girlfriend. - Really? Congratulations. Where did you two meet? - Oh, we haven't met
in person, but we've been chatting online. - Congratulations less. - Oh, pish posh. - Ever since you got
a girlfriend, you talk a lot more like
a 60-year-old British woman. - Matt, this girl is amazing. She's from this small town
in Estonia, so whatever I write, I have to put
into Google Translator, but... We are so in love. - Google Translator? That thing can mess stuff up
pretty badly sometimes. What on earth
is that language? - It's Nordic Backwards
Latvian Schlang. - That sounds made up. - 27 people speak it, Matt. It's actually quite common. She's a beautiful girl,
and it's a beautiful language. There she is. Helga Gatha. - Oh, she looks very... agricultural. - That's what I like
about her most. And today, I tell her
I want to meet in person. - It's a big day. - Yes. I love you so much,
my darling. You are beautiful like the sea
and amazing as the stars. I'm so glad I found you. - Oh, my brain just vomited. - Shut up, Matt. You don't understand love. It's complicated. [beep] - Oh! Jason voice-over:<i> I have
so many love for you, darling.</i> <i> You are amazing
and pretty as fireballs.</i> <i> I am happy I looked you.</i> - Ooh! [typing] [taps] [speaking foreign language] [typing] [beep] Helga voice-over:<i>
I love you, Jason.</i> <i> So many, so many.</i> <i> I would want you to marry.</i> - Oh, my goodness,
she wants to marry me! - Yeah, might not be
the greatest idea. - Oh, tea and crumpets! - There's that old
British woman again. Listen, you need to
meet this girl in person before you get involved
in something crazy with someone you met online. I mean, she could be
a total psychopath or a 900-year-old man. She could be taller than you. - No. Don't you even say that. But you're right, we should
meet before we make plans. - Thank you. - I'm ecstatic at your offer,
but I think we should meet face-to-face
before we make any plans. What's your address? I will book a flight and come
find you as soon as I can. [beep] - Oh! Jason voice-over:<i> My love,
I am happy at you,</i> <i> but I thought our face
and face should meet</i> <i> before we make plans.</i> <i> What your address?</i> <i> I will Bible a flight
and come look at you</i> <i> as soon as I can.</i> - Ooh! Oh! Mami, mami! - [speaking foreign language] [sings "Here Comes the Bride"
in foreign language] [all speaking foreign language] [typing] [exclaiming excitedly] [beep] Helga voice-over:<i> I live
in only cottage</i> <i> on Hog Hill Mountain
in Piske, Estonia.</i> <i> Is two-day climb,</i> <i> and our hills are infested
with werewolf monkeys.</i> - I can't believe
I'm doing this. - You're gonna do this? What about the werewolf monkeys? [beep] Helga voice-over:<i>
Rabid monkeys.</i> - I guess that's better. - I'm so happy. I hope to impress your family
when I come to your house so that I can marry you,
Helga Gatha. [beep] - Ooh! Jason voice-over:<i> I am so happy.</i> <i> I hope to come to your home
and murder your family</i> <i> so that I can marriage you,
Helga Gatha.</i> [yelling in foreign language] [typing] [beep] Helga voice-over:<i> Please,
don't hurt me.</i> - Oh! She's afraid of getting hurt. That's so sweet and tender. - I guess that is pretty sweet. Okay, she's growing on me. - I'm scared too, but I promise
I won't hurt you. I stick to my guns. [beep] Jason voice-over:<i> Fear also,
it will not hurt.</i> <i> I stick with guns.</i> [yelling in foreign language] [yelling in foreign language] - She hasn't responded back yet. Maybe she had to do
some farm work. I'll just sign off really quick. My heart bleeds, bleeds,
bleeds without you. [beep] Jason voice-over:<i> Blood,
blood, blood.</i> <i> Your organs.</i> [screaming] - You know, you should bring
her family something nice when you come. - Yeah. How about a nice set of goats? - Oh, that's nice. - Yeah. - All right, popcorn, anybody? All right, guys,
I wanted to mention, there's this new guy at work that I invited. He seems really shy, um... I think this is actually
the first party he's ever been to. So, um, how can we
make him feel, you know, part of the group? - Well, we can probably
play a group game together or something. - Yeah. James:<i> Okay, that's perfect.</i> - Maybe Apples to Apples? - No! I hate Apples to Apples. No one ever picks my cards. - Choose better cards. James:<i> Okay.</i> <i> So... how about, uh...</i> - How about Mafia? [all agreeing] - Oh, yeah, that's perfect. Okay, yeah, 'cause it's-- [doorbell rings] Oh, that's gotta be him. So just be really nice, okay? Hey, come on in. Hey, everybody,
this is Jason. All:<i> Hey, Jason.</i> - You wanna come in? We're just about to play Mafia. - Yeah. Come sit by me. - What's Mafia? - Oh, it's so fun. You're gonna love it. - I'll explain the rules. So, first, I'm gonna
get some cards and pass them out to everyone. Whoever gets the jack
is gonna be the mafia. - Oh, I love being mafia. They're the ones
who get to kill people. - Yeah. - Kill people? Whitney:<i> Yeah, you'll love it.</i> James:<i> All right, remember,</i>
whoever's jack is mafia. <i> So don't show
anyone your card.</i> <i> Okay?</i> <i> Don't let anyone else see it.</i> Okay, so... Now everyone close your eyes. Whoever's mafia, stand up,
open<i> your eyes,</i> <i> and go choose
someone to kill.</i> <i> Oh, and please make sure
the person knows</i> <i> that you've killed them.</i> <i> And just a hint,
you want to be quiet</i> <i> so that no one knows
who it is.</i> [audience laughter] <i> All right, mafia, I'm gonna
count down from 15,</i> <i> and then we gotta move on,
okay?</i> <i> 15,</i> 14, 13,<i> 12, 11, 10,</i> nine, eight,<i> seven,
six, five, four,</i> <i> three, two, one, zero.</i> Okay, now everyone
open your eyes, and, oh-- - Oh, wow! He made a crime scene
and everything! Impressive! - That's intense. - Man, he really looks dead. He doesn't even have a pulse. What a jokester. - Stephen, you're good! - Okay, okay, okay,
now this is the part where we all have
to accuse each other and try to figure out
who did it. - I think it's Whitney. She's always had it out
for Stephen. Whitney:<i> The first person
to</i> call it is always mafia. Natalie:<i> Oh, whatever--</i> - No, no, wait, it was Mallory! I know<i> it 'cause I heard
some rustling in her area.</i> - What? I d-- no! It was not me. It was not me. You wanna know who it is? It's Jeremy, because he
always gets that lazy eye when he lies. - It's true! - I have an astigmatism! It's a miracle I can even see! - Yeah, okay. You're lying, so... - You guys all have
20 perfect visions, people. Besides, guys, it was
probably Jason. - No! [glass shatters] You can't prove anything! - Are you enjoying
our throwback video so far? Please subscribe! - And do two push-ups and count
it for your workout for today. And then just keep watching. - That's right! You only need two push-ups
to get a body like this! - Science. - Keep throwing back! [audience cheering] [sighs] - Now, whatcha need
to do is stir that until it's about the
consistency of a cloud. - I'm pleased to announce
NASA's new space program, which will send
a family of rats-- - Yes, Veronica. It's true. Your ex-husband is still alive
and living in Cairo. - Four, and slide,
two, three, four, and reach, two, three, four. And slide, two, three, four. -<i> Now take a whisk</i>
and really beat-- - Your arthritic grandmother. - That's rich, especially
coming from the man who was raised by-- - Feral monkeys,
which contracted hepatitis. They of course
had to be put down, and now we're
using the rats. One NASA authority said-- - Sometimes,
I cry in the shower. - Ha! You're not fooling anyone. All you've ever cared
about is-- - Your glutes! You feeling a good burn
in there? Now we're gonna start
working your thighs. - And rub 'em own
with some olive oil. That's nice. Now we're ready to put this
into the oven, along with-- - Taxpayers' dollars. The President wanted it
to be absolutely clear that he has no-- - Body hair! Some say yes, some say no. But don't be afraid to-- - Let it envelope you
in its aroma. Now, this recipe is simple. It calls for flour, eggs, and-- - Your immortal soul! And we never heard from you! You never called,
you never wrote, you never even-- - Learned how to use
a special rat toilet. They can navigate
complex mazes, and most surprisingly-- - They're gluten free. And, if you don't have
an electric mixer, you can just use-- - Flaming passion! Have you no shame? It absolutely sickens me
to think that-- - This is 20 pounds
of human fat in a jar. And if you think that you
don't have the willpower to do it, don't despair,
because-- - Very few have died
in the process. The details of the program
are vital to national security, so naturally, the White House-- - Will slap that smug look
off your face! [smacks] - Ouch, that stings! I-- - Love you! Ever since I heard you sing,
your voice was like-- [blender whirring] - Isn't that soothing? It makes me want to-- - Question my will to live. All you can do is-- - Give your spandex
a little snap. Pretty soon, you're gonna
have a body as solid as-- - This nation's economy. In conclusion, we'd like to
thank you all for coming to this press conference,
and we hope that you-- - Burn for your sins. Don't you see? All I ever wanted was-- - The flexibility
of a Russian gynmast! Just remember, there's nothing more attractive
to the ladies than-- - A chocolate sculpture
of Winston Churchill covered in-- - Dirty money! But it's over now. I'm never coming back. You can forward my mail to-- - The cold heart of space. Thank you, and-- - See you in Skinny Town. Population: You. [audience cheering] [kids chattering] - Okay, children,
settle down, settle down. Okay. Now, you may have noticed
some new faces here today. As you know,
our school is playing host to a few foreign
exchange students. So, I would like to welcome Friedrich, Hansel, and Wolfgang. All: Hi! Teacher:<i> Very good.</i> - Sank you, everyone. We are very happy to be
here in your America. - Oh, Adam here speaks
a little German, don't you? - Oh, yeah. - Go ahead, don't be shy. - Oh, uh, guten Tag. Er sieht böse aus. - How nice to meet someone
who has taken the time to learn our beautiful language. ES FREUT MICH
SIE KENNENZULERNEN! - What'd he say? - It's nice to meet you. Teacher:<i> Okay.</i> All right. Good job, Adam. Okay, class, we're going
to begin today with this equation. We left off here yesterday. Was anyone able to figure out
the answer? [mumbling no's] - No? Okay, Friedrich, would you
like to take a guess? - I'm afraid I do not know. - Oh, that's okay. - Vat is the answer? - Oh, I can't tell you that,
or you'll never learn. - Excuse me? - I said I'm not gonna tell you. You have to figure it out
for yourself. - Perhaps I did not
make myself clear. Vat is the answer
to ze equation? - Uh, Friedrich, I don't know how your classes
are in Germany, but here-- - Boys! - What? What are you doing? Hansel, Wolfgang! - Now, zen, Fräulein. Let us end this little game
of ours. - What are you talking about? - You will give us
the information we are seeking. And if you continue
to hold your tongue, we have ways of loosening it. So what will it be, Fräulein? Shall we boil you like
a Hasenpfeffer? Or will you give us
the answer? - Friedrich, the answer
is nine. - Vat did you say? - I said the answer is nine. - Oh, no! Nein means "no" in German! - He doesn't understand! Friedrich! - Silence, American Schwein! - Schwein means pig. - Shut up, I know. - So you continue to refuse. You are very brave. Or foolish! - I told you,
the answer was nine. - [both chuckle] So defiant to ze bitter end. Zere are many tools of torture
one can use, Fräulein. Even something as simple
as a common household schpoon. Unfortunately, your cafeteria
only carries schporks. But it will suffice. - Please, no. - I do not desire to make you
suffer in front of your students and have zem cry
like little baby children! Just give me ze answer! - Nine! - So be it! - No, stop it! - Wait, wait! Let me show you. I'll write it down. - Very well. Give him some chalk, Hansel. But watch him. Closely. - It's like this. Friedrich:<i> Oh-ho-ho, I see!</i> <i> Wunderbar!</i> Oh! Zese innocent misunderstandings
between cultures is rather amusing,
don't you sink? Give her some chocolate,
Hansel. Hansel: Apologies. - Bonjour! Eh, bonjour. Comment ça va? Bien. Mm. Bonjour. Eh, this is the class of,
uh, mathématiques? - Oh, you must be Pierre. - Oui. - Class, this is yet another of the foreign exchange
students, Pierre. - Merci, merci. - From France. [all greeting] - C'est bon. - Okay. Take a seat. - Bonjour. Licorice? Délicieux. Monstre. - Guten Tag, Pierre. I'm afraid you have
taken my seat. - Ah, I surrender! I surrender! Je ne veux pas mourir! [audience cheering] Mallory:<i> Hey, Whitney!</i> <i> How's it going?</i> - Oh, hi, Mallory! Hey! Oh, thanks so much
for picking me up from the airport. - Oh, you're welcome. Anytime. Oh, also, I brought your phone. - Oh, thank you! You know,
leaving this at home was the best mistake
I ever made. - Yeah. - Anyway, is it okay if I
check my messages right now? - Oh, yeah, of course. I'm just gonna
pull the car around. - Okay, thanks. Voicemail:<i> You have
95 new messages.</i> - Oh. Voicemail:<i> First message.</i> Matt:<i> Hey, Whitney, it's Matt.</i> <i> Hope you're having fun.</i> <i> Listen, I was just calling
about your dog.</i> <i> I know you gave me
very specific instructions</i> <i> on what to feed him,</i> <i> but I have a hypothetical
question for you.</i> <i> What if maybe he got confused</i> <i> and ate all of your
laundry detergent</i> <i> and then vomited
all over your bed?</i> <i> Hypothetically?</i> <i> Okay, thanks, bye!</i> - Matt! Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Veronica:<i> Carlos, my love,
it's Veronica.</i> <i> Let's run away together,
mi amor!</i> <i> You are beautiful,
beautiful Nicaraguan man,</i> <i> and I love you!</i> - [chuckles] Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Grandmother:<i> Whitney,
this is your grandmother.</i> <i> I haven't seen you
in a while, a--</i> Voicemail:<i> Message deleted.</i> <i> Next message.</i> Veronica:<i> Carlos,
I do not understand</i> <i> why you do not call me back.</i> <i> And who is that woman
on your answering machine?</i> <i> Call me back,
you filthy traitor!</i> Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Veronica:<i> Carlos!</i> <i> What are you doing?</i> <i> You are giving up
the best chiquita!</i> <i> You are--</i> Voicemail:<i> Message skipped.</i> Veronica:<i> Carlos, I am so sad
with the sadness for you!</i> <i> I--</i> [beep] Voicemail:<i> Message skipped.</i> Dr. Alder:<i> Hi, Whitney,
this is Dr. Alder.</i> <i> We just got the results
of your biopsy back,</i> <i> and, well I don't want to be
a negative Nancy,</i> <i> but things aren't--</i> - No, no, rewind! Voicemail:<i> Message deleted.</i> - No! No! Matt:<i> Hey, Whitney,
it's Matt again.</i> <i> Remember how I left you
a message yesterday</i> <i> saying that your dog</i> <i> hypothetically ate
your laundry detergent?</i> <i> It wasn't hypothetical,</i> <i> and he's been foaming at the
mouth and vomiting everywhere,</i> <i> and I think that now
he craves human blood.</i> <i> He's been hunting me all day.</i> <i> I've barricaded myself
in your closet,</i> <i> but I might not make it.</i> <i> I'm afraid, Whitney!</i> Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Man 1:<i> Carlos, Carlos.</i> - Who the heck is Carlos? Man 1:<i> I wanted you to know</i> <i> that we have reached
Phase Three.</i> <i> I repeat, we have
reached Phase Three.</i> <i> And by that, I mean I put
the bomb where you wanted me to.</i> <i> Bye.</i> - Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Man 2:<i> Well, hello, beautiful!</i> <i> You must be Carlos'
little squeeze.</i> <i> You look nervous.</i> <i> You wanna know
how I got this number?</i> Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Man 3:<i> The game is up, Carlos!</i> <i> I finally found you!</i> <i> I tracked this número down
to repay you</i> <i> for what you did
to me and my familia!</i> <i> I burned your house
to the ground!</i> <i> Ho-ho-ha!</i> <i> Now your home and your
weirdly feminine throw pillows</i> <i> and your Justin Bieber posters
are nothing but the ashes.</i> Voicemail:<i> Next message.</i> Matt:<i> He ate my hand!</i> <i> Your rabid beast of a dog
ate my hand!</i> <i> Also, your house is on fire.</i> <i> What's up with that?</i> - Ready to go? I'm so excited to introduce
you to my new boyfriend. His name's Carlos. I don't know what he does,
but he makes a lot of money. [audience cheering] [telephone ringing] - Grey's Enterprises,
please hold. Oh, hey, boss! Boss! Hey, Matt! Um, I just finished my "how are
you feeling today" board. You wanna see it? Here it is! You like it? - That is so great. What is it? - Well, it's a board
with different feelings on it. You know, happy,
sad, irritated. And then I put pictures of all of us
from around the office so that we could show each other
how we're feeling! - Great. Why am I on worthless? Whitney:<i> Um, but see,
my face</i> is on happy. So where do you
want to put yours? <i> You could change it.</i> - Do you have one that says
bored of this conversation? Oh, you do. There we go. - I'm moving mine to sad now. - So that report I wanted
you to do, were you working-- - Hey, James, want to see
my feelings board? I just made it! - Whitney, I have
important... t-to do! I don't, I'm too busy to make
your feelings feel good. - [sighs] That's okay, I'm sure he'll feel bad
about it later. - In that case,
I will put him on guilty. - Hey, guys, I am so sorry
about what I said earlier. That was just-- Hey, here, please. Take my credit card. Buy yourself something nice. It's the least I can do. - We should move him
to awkward. - That was really weird. - Yeah, it was. What do you think
his credit limit is? - No, I mean it, Matt! That was strangely coincidental. What if this feelings board
controls feelings? - Oh, get real, Whitney. I mean, it's not like
if I take Jeremy's face and put it on sick, he's
not suddenly gonna be s-- - [sneezes] I'm sorry about that. - That was awesome. This board is amazing,
Whitney! - Give me that. We should be using this board
to help people. Like Mallory over there. She's been trying to get Adam
to notice her for weeks. What she needs is
some confidence. [gasps] - [sneezes] Hold on a second. - Matt! - I'm sorry, I'll move him
to smitten. - Tissue? - Thank you. I will keep
this Kleenex forever. - Ask me out, Adam. - Yes. - Wasn't a question,
but I like your enthusiasm. I'll go get ready. - I'll come with you. - We are gonna have
so much fun with this thing. You're getting a raise. - Oh, goody! Stacey:<i> Thanks for getting
me</i> this job, babe. For our first lunch break, I'm gonna take you
to the best place. It has tables, chairs. You know, a little food. Things that-- - Hi. - Hey. - Matt, what did you do to her? - I made another square
that says "attracted to Matt." What's up, girl? - Okay, are you hitting
on my girlfriend? - Oh, why don't we move him
to encouraging? Whitney:<i> Oh, Stacey
doesn't have a picture.</i> <i> He's new.</i> - Okay. - See, I don't like
your attitude with this. - Smile. There it is. - See, this is
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take<i> you upstairs--</i> - Done! Stacey:<i> You know what,
I'm going to</i> show you where the restaurant is
where I made reservations. You two have fun! I'm gonna go cry myself
to sleep, all right? - Okay. - That's nice, guys. - Hey, Whitney. - Oh, hi, Malcolm. - I like your shoes today. - Thanks, Malcolm. - And your dress. - Thanks, Malcolm. - And you. - Okay, Malcolm. - Why would you put
Malcolm's face on creepy? - I didn't make a picture
for Malcolm. - I'll see you later outside
your meeting, Whitney. - Wait, which one? - All of 'em. [laughs creepily] - He's the CEO's nephew. I can't do anything about it. - Oh, hey, we still
haven't found a place to put Stephen's picture. What do you think,
spontaneous, playful? - Ah, let's mix it up a bit. How about hungry? - Guys, look
what I found in th-- - No! - No! Kitty! Matt:<i> Right?</i> <i> Every time!</i> And then I said-- I am a dead man! - That story took a weird turn. - No, no, no, no, no! - Matt, what's wrong with you? - Decorations, Jason! My wife must have
put these up. - So what's the problem? - I don't know what we're
celebrating, Jason. Is it a birthday? An anniversary? A bar mitzvah? What is it? I can't keep track of all
these happy occasions. - Okay, well let's just
look at the decorations and see if we can
guess what it is. - You don't know her. She is diabolical. She deliberately makes all
the decorations ambiguous so that I can't use
any context clues. Just look at this sign! - Okay, well there's
some balloons over there. So maybe it's her birthday. - Ah, but there
are also chocolates. So maybe it's our anniversary, or the anniversary
of our first kiss, our first date, the first time we ate
refried beans as a couple. The woman celebrates everything! - Okay, well, let's
just calm down. We got a box of chocolates here, some party poppers,
a Christmas tree, and... a piñata. She's good. - Right? I need to think. - Well, I think we can
rule out Christmas. - We rule out nothing. - But it's the middle
of the year. - Nothing, Jason! The only safe way to do this is to remember what she
wants to celebrate. - Hello, honey. - Hello, sweetheart. - I've been waiting for you. - Yes. - I see you brought Jason over. - Did I? Hello. - Do you think it's appropriate
to have guests? - I could have him leave. - Or is he the first
of many guests to be arriving this evening? [blows windmill] - I'm going to leave you now. I'm not even gonna make up
an excuse why. I'm just really scared. Good luck. - So, dear, what's the plan
for this evening? - Dinner. - Ooh, should we go out
or stay in? - In. - What are we having,
home-cooked meal by candlelight, a pizza, or this cake? Happy Day! - On second thought,
let's go out. - Would you prefer McDonald's, or that new French restuarant? - Olive Garden. - Hmm. A place that can pass
for both fancy and casual. Well played. Will anyone be meeting us there? - I thought just the two of us
would be nice. - Will there be
a gift exchange, or will just one of us be
giving a gift to the other? - I only desire the gift
of your company, my love, but if you feel otherwise... - No, no, that's very sweet and very ambiguous. - Should we be going, then? - Just one more question,
darling. What are we celebrating? - You don't know? - I didn't say I didn't know. I asked if you knew. - All right, fine! You want to hear me say it? I have no idea what is
special about today. It's not our anniversary, it's nobody's birthday,
half-birthday, or quinceañera. Neither of us got
an award or a promotion or adopted a whale today. You're not pregnant. You're not pregnant, are you? - No. - You're not pregnant. And I would go
so far as to say that there is not
a holiday in the world that is observed on this day. The closest celebration
I can think of is next week when we'll
celebrate the anniversary of when we first got cable. Which is actually one
that I really support. So tell me, what am I missing? - Nothing. - What now? - It was a test. By remembering that there was
nothing to remember today, you unintentionally proved
that you remember everything that is actually important. I'm so proud of you, honey. We'll have to celebrate this
next year. [audience cheering] - Thanks for helping
me do this, Matt, I've never broken up
with anyone before. - Sure, what are friends for, if not to help you end
other friendships? - Yeah. I'm just worried that
I'll lose my nerve. I feel like he's a lot more
invested in this relationship than I am. - Don't worry. I'm a pro at this. Tons of girls have
broken up with me. Have you got
your earpiece in? - Yeah, I do,
do you wanna test it? - Yeah. This is Mongoose. Come in, Heartbreaker. - Okay, I need another codename. - Maneater? Soul-Crusher? - No, you're just making me
feel worse about this. - I'm sorry, you can be
Butterfly... of Sadness. - Just leave it at Butterfly. - Fine. Commence Operation
Scarring Emotional Pain. [doorbell rings] - Oh, hey, Mal! - Hey, hi. - So good to see you! - Oh, yeah. Well, I just wanted
to talk to you. - You are doing great. I repeat, you are doing great. - I was beginning to think
that you'd forgotten that today was my birthday. - You are the devil. I repeat, you are the devil. - No, no, I don't forget
things like that. - I did not sign up for this,
Butterfly! Today is his birthday? - How was I supposed to know? - Oh, I don't know, have you
thought of Facebook? - Hey, do you wanna
go get something to eat? I was thinking Italian. Here, you think about it,
I'll go get my jacket. - Are you sure you want
to continue with this? It's not gonna be pretty. If he's anything like me,
he is going to cry. A lot. - I'm sorry, I have to. I can't live in a lie. - You lie all the time. - I know, but I really
want to break up. - Though I could do Chinese. Hmm. Matt:<i> Okay, let's ruin
his special day.</i> - Of course, today's
your special day too, seeing how it's our six-month
anniversary. - Have you a heart of stone,
woman? Mallory:<i> What do I do?</i> - Okay, you need
to stop him from talking and change the subject. - Stop! I want to talk about cheese. [audience laughter] - Good. Now transition from that
to breaking up with him. - This isn't easy for me, just like cheese isn't easy
for me to digest. - But... - But... - It's okay. To be honest, I've kind of seen
this coming for a long time now. I'll just spare you
the awkwardness. - Oh, this is going
much better now. - I love you. - Oh! Red alert, the L word has
entered the conversation! We need to regroup. - I was gonna wait
to give you this, but it can't wait. Matt:<i> Oh, no, don't let him
bring out</i> any presents, Butterfly! Stop this! [gasps] [puppy whining] - What are you gonna call him? He looks like a Toby to me. I used to have a dog
named Toby. - Oh, that is
an adorable name! We are losing control
of the conversation, Butterfly. We need to regai-- - Hello! I'm Jason's mom! Hi, it is so good
to finally meet you! - Uh-huh. - We have heard so much
about you. - Okay, we have engaged
multiple hostiles. Mallory: Matt, help me! - Okay, don't worry. I'm mobilizing. Here comes the distraction. [clears throat] Uh, hello there. I am in the neighborhood
today to rob you. [grunting] - Yeah, get him,<i> Mom.</i> <i> Yes!</i> <i> Harder.</i> - Ah! - And that's why I always
carry a brick in my purse. - Man down, Butterfly. Man down. - Anyway, you be good
to my Jason, okay? Between you and me,
the last girl he dated practically ripped
his heart out, so I'm glad he's
dating you now. - Okay, we can still
pull through on this. - I mean, can you believe
she broke up with him a year ago today? I mean, it was his birthday
first of all, and the day his dog died. - You'll never die. Will you, Toby Jr.? - Abort the mission. - I mean, what kind of sick,
twisted person would do that? Matt:<i> I'm sorry, Butterfly,
you've got to date him</i> <i> for at least two more weeks.</i> My conscience
is screaming at me. Along with my ribs. Mallory:<i> Yeah.</i> I would never do
something like that. Hey, I'm just gonna
get your present, and then I'll be
right back, okay? - Okay, sounds good. - I knew we should have
done this over the phone. Matt:<i> I require
medical attention.</i> - Nicely done, everyone. Looks like Operation Stop Mallory
from Breaking Up with Jason was a huge success! - At this time,
we'd like to congratulate our final two contestants, Samuel Banks<i>
and Eddie "The Brick" Harrison.</i> <i> Just as a reminder,
the</i> winner tonight will be receiving
a full tuition scholarship. Are you two ready to begin? <i> All right.</i> <i> Samuel, the first word
is for you,</i> <i> and the word is "holla."</i> - I'm sorry, could you
repeat the word? - "Holla," as in,
"Holla back at me, playa." - Could I have
the definition, please? - Yes. To call out or communicate with. - Holla. H-O-L-L-A, holla? - That is correct. Eddie, your word is "dawg." - Dawg. D-A-W-G, dawg. Judge:<i> Correct.</i> - What? - Sam, your next word
is "po-po." - Yeah, I'm gonna need
the definition again. Judge:<i> Po-po:</i> A noun
meaning police officers or other law
enforcement entities. As in, "Yo,
we had better bounce, because the po-po
be all up in here." - Could I have the origin? - It just says P. Diddy. - I'm sorry,
are these real words? Judge:<i> You have 10 seconds.</i> - Ah, okay, yes. Po-po, P-O-P-O, po-po? Judge:<i> Correct.</i> Eddie, your next word
is "janky." - Yo, can I get a definition? Judge:<i> Janky: An adjective
meaning that something</i> <i> is undesirable or repellent.</i> <i> As in, "Dude, your gym socks
be all janky."</i> <i>Can also be used in other forms</i> <i> such as "janked up"
or "jankity."</i> - Janky. J-A-N-K-Y, janky. - Correct. - I'm confused,
are these slang terms? Beause it was my understanding-- Judge:<i> Your next word
is "aiight."</i> - See, that's
what I'm talking about. I'm not sure that Webster's
would agree th-- Judge:<i> Would you
like a definition?</i> - No. Can I just have it
in a sentence please? - "Aiight," as in, "'Sup, yo,
it ain't aiight if you fittin' "to roll up in my crib
with yo outdated steelo, "flossin' like you got cheddar, "'cause it ain't crunk to front when you're driving
that hoopty." - What? - Would you like me to use
another sentence? I have them all
up in the heezy. - No, I-I-I've worked too hard
for this scholarship, but I don't stand
a chance here. I mean, I listen
to country music! Judge:<i> Well, we all
make mistakes,</i> but I'm afraid we only
have five seconds. Samuel: Aiight, A-I-G-H-T,
aiight? Judge:<i> I'm sorry,
that is incorrect.</i> - Of course it is. - Eddie, you have a chance
to steal the word here. - It's not a word! - Aiight, A-I-I-G-H-T, aiight. Judge:<i> That is correct.</i> - Oh, let's just forget
that whole rule, I before E, except for times where you
just want to add another I. - Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 25th Annual
Inner City Spelling Bee and the recipient of this
full tuition scholarship, <i> Eddie "The Brick" Harrison.</i> [applause] <i> And, for our runner-up,</i> <i> we have a half tuition
scholarship.</i> - For real? Sick, yo. [audience laughter] [applause] - [sighs] I'm bored. - Mm-hmm. - You wanna do something? - I am doing something. Go bother Mom. [no audio] - Hey, I'll bet you a dollar
this coin will land on heads. - Okay. - Ha! Heads. One dollar. Hoo. - Flip it again. - Fine. I call heads again. Ha! Heads! That's another dollar. Ooh. - Double or nothing. - Fine. I call heads. It's heads. And since we're doing
double or nothing, I believe you now owe me
two more dollars. Hmm. What should I do
with my four dollars? Ha-ha! - All right, flip it again. - Double or nothing? - Double or nothing. - That's another four dollars. - Just flip it. - Heads. - Seriously? Again. - Heads. - Again. - Heads. - Again! - Tails. - Really? - No, it's heads. - Ah! - You owe me $64. You keep doubling it. It's not my fault. - Oh, I see what's
going on here. I'm being hustled, aren't I? That's a trick quarter. Flip it again. This time, I'm taking heads. - It's tails. - Ah! - That's $128. - I know what it is! - Maybe we should stop. You already owe me more money
than you make in a week. - You're right. I just need to walk away. Or, I need to
vary my approach. Keep flipping it. - Matt-- - Just do it. Heads.
- Tails. - Tails.
- Heads. - Heads.
- Tails. - Tails.
- Heads. - Heads.
- Tails. - Tails. - Heads. - [sighs] How much? - $8,192. - Clearly, that strategy
was flawed. Okay. Give me another coin. - Matt. - Just give it to me. We will both flip these until
one of them lands on heads. It's bound to happen. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails. - Tails! Fine! I now choose tails. Heads! [screams] This is the most
statistically amazing thing I have ever seen. - In case you're wondering,
we're now at $536,870,912. - That's it. My life is over. This 2003 special edition
Arkansas quarter has ruined my life. I'm done. Let's work up
a monthly payment plan. - Why don't you try flipping it
one more time? - Why? I'll tell you why. Because if I guess wrong,
I will owe you $1,073,741,824. - We're really good at math. - Right? - No, come on. One more. I've got a feeling. - I'm scared. - Heads or tails? - Tails. - It's heads. Come on, one more! - No, it doesn't matter anymore! Don't you see? My life has crumbled
before my eyes. My children's
children's children will be paying off this debt
to your descendants for centuries. - Heads or tails? - I refuse! - Heads or tails!? - Heads! - It's heads. Matt, it's heads. - It's heads? - Yeah! - It's heads! Oh, President Washington,
your face is so... masculine. Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm free. The air is sweeter. The colors are more vibrant. This pizza... is still very old. Oh, oh, I'm free! I'm free. Oh. Okay, one dollar,
heads or tails? - You did it! You watched them all! Now you should subscribe! - And then subscribe again
'cause it's really important. And we want you to. - Be sure that
when you subscribe and then you subscribe again, you don't unsubscribe
on accident. - That's not what we want. - Mm-mm. - Suscribe. - Subscribe. - Subscribe again. - Comment. - Subscribe a third time. - Like. Like the video. Give it an old thumbs up. - Create a fake account, that needs to subscribe
three more times. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Make five or six
other accounts for all of the various types
of your personality. - And then come back
and watch more. - That's it, you guys,
that's all we ask. - It's the secret to life. Captioned by<font color="#0000FF"> BYU tv.</font>
