- Doo-dloo-dloo-dloo-- - Once upon a time,
Studio C did a compilation of all of their
fairy tale sketches. - And you watched it. - And you lived
happily ever after. - 'Cause it was awesome. - Enjoy. [high five] ♪♪ Announcer:<i> Introducing
the Three Most Excellencies,</i> <i> the Three Good Fairies!</i> <i> Mistress Flora,
Mistress Fauna,</i> <i> and Mistress Merryweather.</i> [magical music] - Each of us the child may bless
with a single gift. No more, no less. ♪♪ Little princess, my gift
is the gift of beauty. ["Once Upon a Dream"
instrumental plays] ♪♪ [feet pattering] - Tiny princess, my gift will
be the gift of song. [angelic voices singing] [silence] - I am so sorry,
I misunderstood. [clears throat] It's a pack of onesies. - Fauna, what in the world? - I'm sorry, I guess
I missed the memo we were giving her attributes. Merryweather:<i> Just think of one
you can</i> give her now. - Any attribute? There's so many
to choose from! - Fauna, come on. You're making us<i> look bad.</i> - The gift of sight! - She already
has sight. Give her something
she doesn't have. Fauna:<i> The gift</i> of a tail? - No. No. - Um, the gift of being able
to sneeze with your eyes open? - What the, why would
you say that? - I just read an article
that said that it's impossible and I want her to
reach for the stars. - Fauna, something else. - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize how great
of gifts beauty and song<i> are.</i> <i> What, are your largest</i> dreams
for her to become Miss America? - Just calm down. Try again. - Fine. The gift of never needing
to bathe. - Gross. - The gift of double-jointed
elbows. - No, no. Fauna:<i> The gift
of gluten tolerance.</i> Flora:<i> What?</i> - The gift of being able
to find great shoe sales. - Oh!
- No! Fauna:<i> Um, the gift of being</i>
able to pull off blunt bangs. Queen:<i> I had that</i> gift once. - Uh, no, she did not. - The gift of being homely,<i>
that she may have a good home.</i> - That's not what homely means. Fauna:<i> The gift of</i> having
giant biceps! - No. - The gift of never needing
to shave your legs. - Oh, that's actually
pretty good. Fauna:<i> Because you don't
mind the hair.</i> - Ugh. - Did you ever get gifts
growing up? Fauna:<i> The gift</i> of having
many Twitter followers. Flora:<i> Fauna.</i> - No wonder Santa Claus
fired you. Fauna:<i> The gift of</i> having
your own reality TV show. - Fauna. - The gift of waking up
exactly one minute before your alarm clock. - Fau-au-na! - The gift of being
an assertive woman and not intimidating men. Flora and Merrywhether:
Ah, yeah! Queen:<i> Yes!</i> - No! No! - The gift of saving
15% or more on car insurance. - No! - The gift of being able to<i> pick
your nose at an intersection</i> <i> and never being caught
even when you dig down</i> really deep. - Enough! Just give her the gift of grace
or poise or the ability to answer
questions that-- Oh, I see where the Miss America
thing comes in now. ♪♪ [loud crash] [ominous music] Flora: Oh, no! Maleficent has come
to curse the babe. - Good thing Fauna hasn't<i>
bestowed her gift yet.</i> Maybe she can counter
the curse. -<i> Was this a</i> curse thing? Oh. I brought onesies. Fauna:<i> Oh!</i> That is very cute! Cute! <i> Did you get it too?</i> It was on their registry, right? - [gasps] - Cute! ♪♪ - ♪ Once upon a time
in a land filled with flowers. ♪ [popping] I said filled. [rapid popping] ♪ Lived a king and a queen
and their daughter. ♪ <i> ♪ She was cursed, you see,
when she turned 18. ♪</i> <i> ♪ She got ugly
instead of hotter. ♪</i> - Now that I am
of marrying age, I must choose a husband. - Good thing you're rich. - ♪ Then who should appear
but a man with a beard ♪ ♪ who proudly proclaimed: ♪ - I volunteer. Narrator:<i> ♪ She gave
him her hand, ♪</i> <i> ♪ he gave her his shoulder. ♪</i> [groaning] ♪ And quickly,
they left to be wed. ♪ [explosion] ♪ But the king did forget
an important secret, ♪ ♪ so the queen leaned over
and said: ♪ - Darling, that's the wizard
who cursed our daughter. - Whoopsies. - ♪ The king then petitioned
every knight for a mission ♪ ♪ to rescue the ugly
young lass. ♪ <i> ♪ The knights all agreed
she was far too ugly, ♪</i> <i> ♪ so together they said: ♪</i> Knights: We'll pass. - I'll do it. Narrator: ♪<i> This</i>
sobering tale-- ♪ I'm sorry, what? - I'll rescue the princess. - You? - Me. - You. - Me! - Really? - Why is that so hard
to believe? - You're sickly,
untested, and frail. - Nonetheless, I can fight
as well as our strongest knight. - Oh, really? ♪ Then someone punched
you in the gut. ♪ [groaning] - Oh, why? - To prove a point. ♪ And no one lived
happily ever af-- ♪ - I'm going. - ♪ Someone kicked you. ♪ - Oh, no! <i> Ow!</i> I'm saving the princess
and you can't stop me. - We'll see about that. - Bring it on. - ♪ The hero met a thief
who caused him some grief ♪ ♪ and stabbed him in the gut. ♪ - Ah! [groans] That didn't even rhyme. - Three dollars, really? - I'm poor, wh-- Narrator: ♪ The next task
he should face ♪ ♪ would start at the base
of a mountain ♪ ♪ which he would climb. ♪ - Oh, my kidney. - ♪ While holding his breath. ♪ - I'm gonna breathe. You can't make choices for me. I'm the protagonist. - Well I'm the narrator! ♪ Then his legs
stopped working. ♪ - Oh. [groans] I hate you. - ♪ While he lay helpless,
completely defenseless, ♪ ♪ a troll came along
feeling hungry. ♪ [growls] ♪ The troll swung his club
to grab him some grub ♪ ♪ and hit the dumb knight
o'er the head. ♪ - Stab! [growls] He-he! Still got my sword! - ♪ 'Til your arms
stopped working. ♪ - Come on. - You had enough? - Never! - ♪ Then you contracted
the plague. ♪ - [groans] - ♪ Then you were
shot by an arrow. ♪ - Ooh! - ♪ Then your mouth
tasted like a foot. ♪ - [gags] - ♪ A diseased foot. ♪ - [gags louder]
I'm coming, Princess! - ♪ You sure are determined
despite all the hassle. ♪ - They magically appeared
at the dark wizard's castle. - I can't believe that worked. Wizard: What is going on? - It's one of my
father's knights. - Yes. I've come to rescue-- whoa! You are not ugly anymore. - The curse was lifted,
but I didn't think anyone would try to save me
when I was hideous. - Well, that was the plan. - Sorry. I tried. - All right, wizard,
let's fight to the death. I may not be able to use
my arms and legs, but I'm not afraid
to do this! - Oh. - Oh my. - [small growling noises] [shrieks] - Cast a spell or something. - I only know
how to make people ugly. - Do that then. - Sha'nasty! - Oh. Am I hideous? - You look the same. - Well, there's only
so much I can do. - Wizard, we're through. I want to marry this man. - Figures. - ♪ So the two
started courting ♪ ♪ with much joy
and much laughter. ♪ ♪ And they both lived
happily ever after. ♪ ♪ She punched him
in the face. ♪ Prince:<i> At last!</i> The tower of Rapunzel! Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your hair! - Hey, what's going on, bro? - I'm sorry, I'm looking
for Rapunzel. - Yeah. That's me. Prince Rapunzel. Hey, you can call me
the 'Punz. - Well, I've made a mistake. I'm gonna get going. The 'Punz: Oh wait, hey, man,
do you like foosball? You should come up real quick. I've got a pool table and a
remote control shark blimp. And, oh, have you played
the new Mario Kart? - You have the new
Mario Kart? - Yeah! You gotta try it, man. The anti-gravity was
so-ho not overhyped. - I don't know, I have
to quest and stuff, so-- - Just come up
for like five minutes. I've got strawberry Nesquik. - Strawberry Nes--
I love that stuff! I'll come up, man! Yeah! - Really? Awesome! I'll throw down my hair! Prince:<i> All right.</i> Oh my-- What the, what? - Awesome, man, come on up! This is gonna be so great! I haven't seen
anybody since-- I've never seen anyone. - Hey, the 'Punz? Do you have another set
of hair maybe lying around? - Heh, pretty gnarly, right? Yeah, I haven't cut it
since I was born and it's really long
and hard to clean. So I don't. - Oh, okay. It's just it's full of leaves
and dirt and... Is this a bag of Doritos? - Man, I don't know
what's in there, man! Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos,
all the -itos. Hey, you wanna meet
my hamster? - Oh, that's disgusting! [beeping] Oh, it lives in there? - Oh, come on up, bro. The bagel bites are done. - Bagel bites too, man? Okay, yeah, I'll be up
in a moment. Whoo, you can do this. You can do this. Oh, it smells like
a chimpanzee's body cast. The 'Punz:<i> Hey, what's
taking so long, bro?</i> - It's just a little slippery. I'll be right there. - Did I not let down
enough hair? Prince:<i> No, it seems plenty.</i> Oh! No! No! [shrieks] Oh, you got it in my mouth! You got it in my mouth! Oh, it's like swallowing
a diaper. Ohhh. The 'Punz:<i> Hurry up, dude!</i> <i> Yoshi isn't gonna
drive himself, man.</i> - Okay, okay. [screams] I think your hamster
just bit me. - Bro, I would ask you not to
disturb him in his slumber. He will be threatened. Prince:<i> Come on.</i> - Oh, hey, did you
hurt yourself? Touch my hair real quick. - No, he's still in there! The 'Punz:<i> Just trust me, okay?</i> ♪<i> Flower</i> gleam and glow! ♪ ♪ Let your power show! ♪ - Dude, what're you,
this is weird. What're you doing? - Just hold it and I'll sing. You can brush it
if that helps. - How is that less weird? No, man, I'm just gonna
use this Baid-Aid. Nope, that's used. I'm out of here. - Wait, dude, what, no, why? - Because you are
the grossest thing I have ever seen
in my entire life! <i> I'm not climbing this hair,
okay?</i> - All-all right, man. Just, all right. Just use my rope ladder. - You had a rope ladder? - Yeah. You said,
"Let down your hair," not, "Let down
your rope ladder." I live in a tower, dude,
of course I have a ladder. - Then throw down
your rope ladder. - Right on. Huh-huh. Awesome, man! Yeah, now we can talk
about like girls. Like, what's a girl? - Is this ladder made
out of your hair? - Yeah. [applause] [crickets] [sobbing] - [high-pitched]
Ah, hello, my dear! - Oh! Oh, my goodness. - Ah, what seems to be
the trouble? - The king, he says that unless
I spin all this straw into gold, he will have me killed. - Oh, my! Quite the predicament. You know, I may be able
to help. - Oh, really? That would be wonderful! My name is Sarah,
what's yours? - Rumpelstiltskin. Oh, shoot! Oh, dang it! Oh, totally! Ah! I can't believe I did that. Fetch. - Wh-what's wrong? - It's just this thing. I sometimes make deals
with people and then they want to
back out of it later. I'm like, that's fine,
if you can guess my name. But they never do
'cause it's crazy weird. My parents were hippies. - I'm sorry. - It's fine. I'll just have you guess
my social or something. - So, can you help me? - Yes, yes! But for a price. - I'll give you
anything you want. - Oh? Even your firstborn child? - Deal! - What?
No! What is wrong with you? No one ever agrees to that. It's just a mind game. I'm not qualified
to be a parent. I live in the woods
under a log. It's not even a good log. - Well too bad,
we already shook on it. - Are you kidding me? You're holding me to this? - What? Bartering my child
makes me a bad mother? - Yes! - Well, fine! Deal canceled, then. - No, no, it doesn't
work that way. Remember, you have
to guess my name. - Oh, that's right. It was something weird. - Mm-hmm. - Is it Steve? - What? No. - I give up. - One guess? - Yeah. - Your unborn child
is on the line and you give up after one guess? - So are you gonna spin
all this straw into gold? - Ugh. Fine, I guess
I have no choice. To be honest, it's been
a while since I've done this. Does this plug
into an outlet or? Oh it's a manual, okay. Primitive. All right. I gotta get some straw here. Prepare to have your mind blown. Here we go. Spinnning. Ah, I don't know
how to do this! - But you said! - I know what I said! Sometimes I overestimate
my talents! - Ugh! Well, you better
figure it out. Do you want that firstborn
child or not? - No, I don't! - But we made a deal! Where's your integrity? - My integrity? You don't exactly have
the moral high ground here. You're trading your child
like a baseball card. - Ugh! We don't have time for this! - All right, fine,
let me think, you harpy. Ugh. This isn't easy, you know. We're turning straw
into a flipping metal. - How hard can it be? - How hard--
No, you're right. I just have to change the atomic
structure of the straw through nuclear fusion. Just let me get
my centrifuge. - Well, you better figure it out
or else I'm gonna give you my second child too. - I'm not a daycare service! All right, how about this? I'll go apply for a loan,
come back with the gold, we'll spread it around
and feed the straw to a cow? - Fine. - Ugh, I'm gonna have to take
out a second mortgage on my log. - Thank you, Rumpelbuttskin. - Just call me Steve. - Bye. [applause] Announcer:<i> Today, my King,</i>
your son the Prince Peter will choose his bride
from amongst these fair maidens. - Proceed, Prince Peter. And may heaven bless you
in your choice! - Thank you, my King. - May I present the
Princess Lady McMavershim? - Lady. Announcer:<i> The
Princess Rose Everstain.</i> - Rose. Announcer:<i> And the
Princess Theresa Madalini.</i> - You may call me Terry. - Oh. Miss Terry. That every man in the kingdom
adores your beauty is no mys-terry, Miss Terry. [giggles] And Rose. A rose by any other name
would still smell as sweet. [giggles] And dear Lady... Lady. - Yeah. - Lady is your first name? Ah, ah. Thou art a beautiful lady. Announcer:<i> And now
the prince will choose.</i> - Ah, to choose. But how can I choose
when on the one hand, with you, everything is coming up
roses. <i> But what a</i> Terry-ble mistake
it would be not to choose you. You who would make my life
so Terry-fic. <i> And</i> you are so... ladylike. I think it's between
these two. No offense, Lady, it's, your
name is throwing me off. - And now the prince will
choose one for his bride. - Ah, yes. I must choose one
and I will choose she who has row-se of men
lined up to marry her. - The prince has chose-- - Whose beauty doth Terry
my heart out. - So which one? - Hot as Terry-aki chicken. King:<i> Peter!</i> What is wrong with you? What's with all the puns? - I-I'm sorry, my King. I, Father,
I just get nervous. It happens and I don't
mean to, uh, Terry. - Peter! Which princess do you choose? - I'm sorry! I-I must choose
before I p-put the whole room into hys-terry-a. But it will take more
than a mic-rose-second. When I first saw you,
my heart nearly f-rose. But I also felt it
in my ar-terries. King:<i> Enough!</i> Choose, now! Prince Peter:<i> Yes, I'm sorry!</i> I will choose! I have chosen! And I will forever show her
off to my b-rose. You make me weak
in the knees, like osteopo-rose-sis. Would you accept
my prop-rose-al? If the opportunity ar-rose? - Yes, my prince! And my love for you
will never Peter out. - Oh! - Wow. You two make a lovely couple. - My dear, you are so sweet. As sweet as marmalade-dy. [gasps] Oh! I just thought
of another one! We have to start over! Bring Lady back! Oh, this is going to be so fun! Okay. Just hold on! - Okay, I know how this looks, and I'm sorry. You see, these guys told me
they were weaving an invisible cloth and if you
couldn't see the cloth, well, supposedly,
you were a fool. And I hear myself
saying that now. But anyways, thank you, sir,
for pointing that out to me. I hope I haven't scarred
you for life. - All we wanted
was a family outing to see the royal parade. And all we get is
this crusty sovereign streaking! Do you think my wife will ever
want to see a parade again? - My eyes! - Sh-sh-sh. - I think we should consider
replacing the king! Townspeople: Yeah! - I mean, are you even fit
to rule this kingdom? - I am fit. I promise I am. - So there aren't any other odd
behaviors or strange decisions you want to tell us about? - No. I mean, nothing huge. I may have burned
all your spinning wheels. Townspeople: What? - But that was
to protect my daughter from being cursed by Maleficent. - Our only export is textiles! How are any of us going
to survive after this? - You can have my money. I locked my wife
in a tower years ago because I heard she could
spin straw into gold. - Who told you
that was possible? - The girl's father. - Is he some sort
of alchemist? - He was the town drunk. [townspeople all exclaiming] - To be fair, she did do it! - That was me, you fool! Me! Rumpelstiltskin! Aw, dang it! Ah. Get it together, Rumpels. There, there. - Our king is a reckless idiot! I vote we remove him
from his throne! [townspeople agreeing] - Think of all the good
that I've done! Remember how I rid
the town of rats by hiring the pied piper
of Hamelin? - But then you didn't
pay the piper so he took all of our children! - Well, who likes
children anyway? [sobbing] - Surely there must be someone
in the royal family fit to lead. - I speak to my mirror
and I murder people who are prettier than me. - I'm only a princess
because I found a pea under my mattresses. - I used to be a frog. - What kind of freak show
is this? [townspeople yelling] - Listen to me, listen to me! Everything's going to be all
right because I've traded the entire kingdom for
this bag of magic bees. - You, a-- Did he
say beans or bees? [buzzing] [all screaming] - Everyone hide! The magic has
enhanced their venom! - My babies! [thunder cracking] - Oh, ancient mirror of mystery
and wisdom! Through fire and wind
I summon thee! Come forth! [thunder cracks] - What would'st thou know,
mighty queen? - Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all? - Ah, here we go again. - Excuse me? - I am an all-knowing mirror,
yet you ask me the same silly question
every day. I literally know
the cure for cancer. Just ask. - Tell me who is
most fair of them all or I will dispose of you! I am not about to be
not most fair in all the land. I have done unspeakable things
to get these cheek bones. - All right. You, mighty queen,
are the fairest of them all. In this room. Because I'm technically
not a person. - Enough. Tell me if I'm more beautiful
than Snow White? - Snow White? The 18-year-old
with the perfect skin? [laughs] Honey child, you chose
the wrong person to compare yourself to. Come on, now! - I mean, I do yoga. I work hard. - Well, do you do yoga
while aging backwards? Because you competing against things like time
and gravity and more time. - You're right. I set impossible
standards for myself. - N-- I'mma be honest
with you. For real though, you look
great for someone your age. Which is like, 1000,
give or take. - It's very hard to keep up
appearances. I had to give up bathing suits
about 300 years ago. - Ooh, I know. Happiest day of my life. I-I-- [clears throat] Hm. Yes. Ah. - I am running out
of options here. All I can do is take out
the competition. - So it a, no offense,
super-duper-duper old woman is competing
with an 18-year-old with a high metabolism for pies, there is something
seriously wrong. I mean, just don't compare
apples and oranges. Especially saucy apples
with old, decrepit, ancient, mean oranges. - But without my beauty,
what am I? - Girl, without your beauty,
you are, um-- Ooh. Uh, that's a good point. - You see? I have done nothing
with my life! I'm nothing but skin and bone
and a huge amount of duct tape. - What? Your true value, my queen,
is on the inside. Yes. The inside. - Do you really think so? - I have no other idea
where it could possibly be, so yes. - You're right. Thank you, mirror. - Yeah. - I should just let me be me. - Yeah, there we go! [chuckles] Ooh. Ooh, she look worse
from the back. [shudder] - ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ♪ - Snow White. - Yeah! Okay. - ♪ A dream is a wish-- ♪ - Cinderella! - Yeah! - Nice. - They all have
very high voices. - They do. - Fun fact. Keep watching. - Keep watching. [bell ringing] - And now a tale of sorts
from the Brothers Grimm! [cheering] - Yeah! - We have traveled far to
bring you our newest tale. - It is called Snow White. [cheering] And it goes like this: Once upon a time,
there was a young lady. Woman:<i> 'Old on, now.</i> What does
"once upon a time" mean? I mean,
I'm no literary expert, but I find that introduction
a bit perplexing. - Yeah. Can anything be upon a time? I mean, it's a conceptual
metaphysical reference. - Right, you can be on time,
but not upon a time. Yeah? - What is this? A story about someone
who sits on a clock? [laughter] - I'd say the opening line
feels a bit didactic to me. - Yeah, I concur. - Didactic? Look, we're the writers here,
so I think we'd be the ones who knew how to begin a story. - Quite! - What's the phrase even mean? I just get lost
in all the prepositions. - There's only one preposition. - I think what my neighbor's
trying to say is that the motif of your story
might get lost in such a vague use of metonymy. - I concur with that. - What if you started
the story with "a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away"? - A galaxy? - Then we'd at least know
the story's fictional setting. - Yeah, call me Ishmael. - Ishmael? - No, fool,
it's the opening line! - Oh, a direct first-person
introduction would definitely cause your audience to ponder their extra-fictional
relationship to your protagonist. - I concur 'oleheartedly. Yeah. - Do you understand
anything we're saying? - I concur. - So no. - What about the line, "It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times?" - 'Ow 'bout, "I'd never
given much thought to 'ow I would die?" - Sounds annoying. - No, I definitely concur. - 'Ow 'bout: "'Arry Potter
was an 'ighly unusual boy." [all agreeing] - Or, "It is a truth universally
acknowledged that a single man in posession of--" - I'm just gonna stop you there. I'm already bored. - I've got it. "In a hole in the ground,
there lived a hobbit." - What on earth is a hobbit? - I don't know. You're the writers. - Well, gentlemen, I think
we're all agreed you need to be willing to kill your
darlings on this one. - All right, I don't understand
how you groundlings seem to know so much
about writing. - Well, we read our share
of street signs. - And that makes you qualified? - We're critics. We don't need to be "qualified." - No! I can't stand for this. When we're finished,
every household will know the phrase,
"Once upon a time." - Oh, that'll be
the proverbial day! [all booing] - We can go
where we are appreciated for our aesthetic talent! - Hmph! - Say, brother,
that hobbit line did have a bit of potential. Perhaps we could write
a short story and then stretch it into two,
maybe three movies. - I don't know what a movie is,
but I concur. - Quite. Narrator:<i> She can only be
awoken by true love's kiss.</i> [magical music] - Whoops! Kissed your eyeball. Sorry. I got nervous and my eyes
were closed. So. [clears throat] To be perfectly honest, I've never really kissed a girl. So. You know, especially one
that's unconscious. Uh, you are unconscious, right? Okay, good. No pressure, then. [clears throat] [magical music] Mmm, I'm gonna have a mint. You want a mint? Let's have mints. Yeah? Okay. Here we go. Oh, look, last one. I guess it's all mine. Mmm. Mm. Um, so, is this true love's kiss
thing like a peck or one of those
five minute things? Do I just, like this? Okay. Okay. [magical music] [sniffs] [yells] Oh, oh, what is that? Like a thousand years
of morning breath? Mmm. I can't believe I'm
out of mints! Or am I? No, that's gross. But we are gonna kiss. We haven't kissed yet,
though. [sighs] You never have to know. Just don't choke on it. Actually, that's kind of
a bad choking hazard. Um. Ugh. Do you have a garbage
or something? I'm not gonna let it
go to waste. Oh! Look, you got mouth wash. Just use some of this. Okay? Okay. Uh-huh. And swish it around. And spit. Gross! Ugh. Okay, well, you know,
no more blunders. Here we go. Yep.
Okay. [magical music] [sneezes] Oh, oh! Gross! Oh, it's on your face. I don't want to kiss that. I'm just gonna wipe it off. Okay. Uh. Ahh! [fire crackling] <i> Candle!</i> <i> Fire!</i> [screaming] How could I be
this bad at kissing? Okay. <i> Okay, Princess, come on.</i> [groaning] Okay. Whoo! Okay. One. [grunts] Ugh. We can do this. [grunts] Okay. [grunts] Okay. We're good. Everything's. You got a little... Okay. Okay. Nobody saw that. I can take that to my grave
and still feel like a man. Here we go. [magical music] [shrieks] [kisses] - No! - My hero! - For being asleep
for so long, Princess, your breath was
absolutely minty fresh. [laugh] [spits] - Hey, uh, Tom, Janice hired
two new part timers, so I need you to show one
the ropes back here while I show the other one
front of house stuff. - Okay, no problem. - Okay, thanks. Hi, yeah, come on in. - Hello, I'm Gretel! - Hi, I'm Tom. Let me show you around. Over here is where we
mix up dough. Okay? Over here is our walk-in
freezer. - Ooh, it's cold. - And right here is our oven. - [screams] [still screaming] - I'm sorry, what's going on? - Hansel! Hansel, come here! Oh. - Vat is it, Gretel? - It's... it's... - [screams] [both shrieking] - Why does this keep happening? - Guys, guys! Guys, stop yelling! [yelling softly] - Why does this keep happening? - You can stop that as well. Okay? - Sister, are you okay? - I am fine, Hansel. He did not ask me to climb
into the oven. Yet. - Tell me. What do you do desire
with the oven? - What? - Answer me! - It's just
for cooking pizza, man. - It is for cooking pizza
and man? - No, yeah-- No, not both! - Zen vich is it you
are cooking? Pizza or man? - Pizza, just pizza! Okay? - Okay, I'll be right
with you. Tom, we are getting
swamped there. Okay, normally,
I would deal with this, but we don't have time
right now. So just clean this all up
'cause if Janice gets here and sees it,
she's gonna be mad. She can be a real witch
sometimes. Hansel and Gretel: A witch! - Why does this keep
happening to us? - Why did I get sucked in
by the candy dish by the register? - Oh, let's get out of here! - Come, Gretel, we will
follow the bread crumbs! - Yes. Vat have you done? Now we must use Apple Maps! - Ve're doomed! [sobbing] - That was weird. - Oh, no, here comes Janice. - Janice, I am so sorry
about the mess. The two new hires just quit. - It's a shame. I was looking forward to
having them for dinner. - You mean having them
over for dinner? - I said what I meant! ♪♪ - I can't believe it. It's really you! - Yes, it's me! - I never thought I'd find you! I've searched the whole
kingdom. - It fits me too! - I'm sorry? - Look, it fits! - Gretchen, go away! - What? You think you're
better than me with your fancy house
and your multiple teeth? - I'm confused, who is this? - Your future wife. - No, Gretchen, I was the one
he danced with at the ball. - 'Ow does he know? The woman he danced with
had a makeover so intense it literally required magic. - She makes a fair point. - This is ridiculous. You weren't even at the ball! - Sure I was. - Prove it. - Good idea,
lowly servant girl. Madam. At the ball, was I wearing
my white suit with gold button and black knee-high boots, or my pajamas? - Suit! - It's you! - No, I would've said suit too! - Well that's convenient now that you already
know the answer. - I can prove it. We danced. You said I was pretty. And then I left. - Ah-ha! We danced,
I meant I was pretty, and then the woman left. Busted. - That's exactly
what I was gonna say. - That proves it. She's the one. - Ooh! - No, Gretchen! You're ruining everything! - Don't put this on me! He's the one who hung
a huge life decision on footwear. - It's very important to me
that my queen is small of feet and mind. - You want irrefutable evidence? I have the other slipper. - [gasps] - There can't be
another slipper. I was only wearing one
because of me stub leg. - Oh. That explains why you were
so bad at dancing. - Hey! - I think we're done here. - No, Prince, I deserve to
live happily ever after! - [chuckles] You think
marrying me will solve all your problems and finally
bring you happiness? Well, you're right, I'm amazing. Come, Gretchen. - So long, Cinderella! - Cinderella? That was the name of the woman
I danced with. ♪♪ - Cinderella's me middle name. - Oh, there we go. - 'Scuse me, hi. So, uh, is this where the fair maiden
Snow White resides? - Yes. - Ah, great!
Okay! So I'm the prince
and I've come to awaken her with true love's kiss. - Oh, well she's been
out for quite a while. - Oh, yeah? How long has she been asleep? - She's not asleep. She's dead. - What? Oh. - Yeah. She's been dead
for a long time. I think she's starting to turn. - I can... I can still awaken her
with true love's kiss. - I mean, if you want to. I mean, in hindsight,
the glass was a mistake. It's like a greenhouse effect
in there. It's nasty. Good luck. - Ahh. I'm not that desperate. Okay, I am that desperate, and I hate
how I know myself so well! Okay, you know what? This will just be
a hilarious story we tell our kids one day! How we met. Kissing a corpse. But it'll be funny. See, it's just
one big funny story, and we'll all laugh-- [groaning and gagging] Sweet Caroline, that stench! [gags] It's lodged in my throat. Okay. Just a funny story. Just one big funny-- [gagging] [sighs] Okay. I just gotta figure out a way
to get rid of that awful smell. I could burn out my tastebuds. Yeah, I don't need to enjoy
food when I have a fair maiden as my wife. What about pineapple? I love pineapple. You know what? I have some air freshener
for when I need to use a public restroom. [aerosol can spraying] [aerosol can spraying] [snorts spray] Oh, oh, whoo! That stings. But you know what? You're kind of attractive
after you get over the smell. So hello, I'm the prince,
and you are my new-- Ohhh! Oh! Lookie here! It's a severed limb! Ah! Oh, I'm sure that will just
reattach when we kiss. Okay, I hope you weren't
left handed. I'm just gonna
prop you up now. Ooh, ooh, ooh, hello, no. Leave this here. Leave this here. Prep your mouth! I'll prep you rmouth, okay? [shrieks] [whispered] Maggots. Maggots. [vacuum runs] All right then. Okay. Okay, you can do this, Prince. You got this. This is just a girl. A dead girl who kind of smells like a wrestling mat
birthed some roadkill. But, you know, just
get it over with. It'll all be okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Yep. Oh, well, let's just, okay. Extra measures. Hello. Ohh, I don't know. Okay, okay. Just close your eyes
and think of England. Doc:<i> Snow White, I love you!</i> - Ahh! Oh! Doc! Oh. - You can call me
the love doctor. - Come on! - Well, you did kiss me,
so I'm legally your property. - Come with me. [Snow White sings] - I'm so lonely. - Oh. A dollar! Nice. Oh, no. What, why? Oh! What are you? Oh, oh, so gross. What the? I don't even have a shoe
that matches this one. Man, what else is lurking
in this couch? [grunts] What the, holy? Man. This is probably why my back
always gets poked. [grunting] "A Record of the
People of Couchville: Our Life and Times
Between the Cushions." What is going on? [screaming] - Where am I? - Who are you? What are you doing
in my couch? - Why, I live there,
of course. - Oh. Wait, what? - Oh, you found it! Thank you! I am King Warrick:
Sewer of Seams, Keeper of Febreze, and Wielder of the
Wand of Numbers. - That's my remote! - We use it to help silence
the wretched sirens of the Bachelorette. I've ruled and reigned
in your couch for about 50 years now. - 50 years? The couch is that old? Wait, that's an insane
amount of time. You would've have to have
been born in the couch. - I was. - Oh, gross. Wait, what? - I was born and raised
in your couch. - And you're Scottish? Well, I used to be Swedish until you sprayed
the Scotchgard. - Is that my shirt? - Probably. Everything I own is stuff
that you've dropped in there. - I dropped a full set
of clothes and a purple cape in the couch? I need to reevaluate my life. - Warrick! - Oh, oh! - Warrick, oh, there ya are! - Allow me to introduce
me wife, Queen Iona. - So do I call you
Your Majesty, or...? - Aye. - Okay. But how do you live? I mean, what do you eat? - We've always had more
than plentiful amounts of food from chips of the potato
to melted M&Ms, they we wouldna mind
if you dropped a few fruits and vegetables
every once in a while. - Oh, yeah, I must've eaten
all of those. But do I really drop that
much stuff into the couch? - Aye. Enough to sustain
the entire kingdom. - The what? - [groaning] Oh, hello there. - Hi. - Sire. I'm afraid the peasants
in the Hide-a-bed Highlands are asking for
a better sewage system. - Very well. Take some money
from the treasury and get started. - You have money too? - Aye. Our currency consists
of your loose change. - My loose ch-- How much have I dropped in? - 18 million dollars. [clicks tongue] - Yeah, that sounds about right. - We have also been bequeathed
the leatherfold of destiny and the jangly metals
of freedom. - Oh, my wallet and car keys! - No! - But I need those to drive
and live. - How dare you violate
our trust? - The people of Couchville
are very generous, but when you threaten to
steal our greatest treasures-- - Look, I'm sorry, but you people are just-- - Oh, "you people," what's that
supposed to mean? - I think he means "grubby
couch people," my queen. - No, no, I didn't mean it
like that. - No, we get it. We're not from the other side
of a cushion like you. - Okay, don't make this a-- Don't make this
a couch class thing. - How dare you look
down your nose at us? - I'm sorry, I'm just not
comfortable with couch Narnia. - I'm sorry to do this, but when you mess
with the people of Couchville, the people of Couchville
have no choice but to retaliate. [blows horn] [grunting] - How did I drop so many swords
into the couch? - Attack! - Faster, faster! - There you go. - It seems our kingdom
is safe once again, my lord. - Hello, King of Couchville! - My old foe. I thought I banished you
a long time ago. - The Ottoman Empire
will rise again! [evil laugh] Sir Hector:<i> Welcome,
my lords and ladies,</i> to the fifth-century future
King of Britain debates. I, Sir Hector, have the honor
of being tonight's moderator between King Hopefuls
Sir Eric and Sir Arthur. Let's begin, shall we? As future king, how would you
help our nation escape the Dark Ages? Eric, your squire
killed Arthur's, so you may respond first. - Knowledge will be the key. I will promote reading,
mathematics, arts, and science to everyone, especially the youth in the form of a public
education system. - Hmm. Interesting. Arthur, same question? - Well, unlike my opponent,
I believe that actions speak louder than words. Sir Hector: Oh, what-what
is he... [magical music] [applause] - I know I'm supposed
to remain non-partisan, but what an amazing response
from Arthur. That was impressive. Okay. [clears throat] Next question. How would you help our nation
avoid another black plague? Eric? - Awareness. I will run a campaign
to teach peasants the importance of hand washing
before food consumption, which will save
millions of lives. - Arthur, do you agree? - That sounds good
on parchment, but 'tis a cheap solution
to the real problem. If we are indeed serious
about plague prevention, then we need someone
who is willing to do this. [magical music] - Okay, okay, I'm sorry. How on earth is pulling
a sword out of a stone helpful for anything? - Oh, sweet, simple Eric. 'Tis so much more
than a sword in the stone. 'Tis a metaphor. Now try to keep up. You see, the sword represents
a sharp, pointy object used as a weapon. And the stone
represents a rock. - Such beautiful insight. The stone really is
like a rock. - Okay, not a metaphor. Synonym. Education could help with-- Listen, I don't think Sir Arthur
has any clue about any of today's issues. I mean, how-how is he going
to resolve our war with the Vikings? - Oh, yes. - Uh, simple. I shall, um, build
the internal infrastructure and pre-emptive strategies. - Good plan, good plan. I think I've proved my point. - Speaking of points. [magical music] [applause] - Yes we can! - Is there any logical person
among you? The wise wizard Merlin. Thou canst see the future. Can you please tell everyone
how ridiculous Sir Arthur's plan would turn out to be? - It is ridiculous...ly
accurate. - Okay. - It was exactly
how it will shaketh down. Arthur, I will be your mentor. Though you can pull
that sword from that stone, so you probably
don't even need me. - Has everyone gone mad? Our kingdom needs
a true leader! How is Sir Arthur going
to stop the corruption that's infiltrated the Knights
of the Rectangular Table? - 'Tis simple. I shall make the table round! - Oh, yeah. It's not the shape of the table
that's caused the corruption. Sir Lancelot,
can you back me up here? - 'Tis true. For the last few years,
we knights have stolen, cheated,
fought amongst ourselves. - See, as I foretold. - All for the glory of sitting at the head
of the Rectangular Table. But now that the table
is round, it's like, whatevs! - These debates
are so idiotic! - Wait until 2016. - All hail King Arthur! All:<i> Hail King Arthur!</i> - Yes, ah! [magical music] - And they lived
happily ever after. - Now subscribe! - Comment below about what
your favorite sketch was. - And like the channel
while you're at it. - That's right. Have a magical day. [magical flourish]
