A Healthy Dose Of Medical Sketches

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♪♪ Hey, guys! What's up, what's up? Hello. We've got an awesome compilation video for you all about doctors. Yes, all about doctors. And medical things. So if you want to feel smart medically, check out this compilation. Monocle. [laughs] Doctors all have monocles. Yeah. And teacups. [slurp] [audience cheering] Thanks for coming out with us tonight, Stace. Seriously, with school and work, we never see friends anymore. Oh, no. Guys, thanks for having me. By the way, I heard this restaurant is terrific. So... Oh yeah, it's amazing. Oh. Thank you. Speaking of terrific, dig in! Mmm. Okay, you weren't kidding. This is amazing. Right? I mean, seriously, just wait for dessert, 'cause I tell you-- honey? Matt, you okay? Oh, uh, he's choking. Do you know the Heimlich maneuver? What? No! I'll go get help. What? Come on! Hey, is there a doctor here? This man is choking. Oh please! I'm a doctor. Oh good. Thank you. Are you going to do the Heimlich? No. Why not? I don't know how. But you're a doctor! Yeah, my doctorate's in art history. So... Wait, then why did you rush over here so fast? Uh, because my degree is no less legit than anyone else's. Okay? I worked hard for that. You know what? Get out of here, okay? Is anyone else a doctor? Oh, I am! Medical? French literature. What is wrong with you people? I'm actually here to apply for a job because these student loans are killing me. Right? Okay, are they? Are they killing<i> you?</i> Because right now the casual dining experience is killing this man. All right? So we need a doctor with medical training. I can help. Oh. I'm a psychiatrist. Now tell me, what does this choking have to do with your childhood? We need a real doctor. I am real doctor. I can write prescriptions. Who needs Prozac? [cries] I got help! Oh, thanks! A real doctor! Yeah, I'm a registered nurse. Oh, get him out of here! Are you serious? Nurse? Come on! Oh, it's okay babe. We'll get you a doctor. Hey, I-- I could tell him where the Mona Lisa is located. Okay, how is that going to help the situation? It's in the Louvre. Okay-- I can help. I can help in about uh, 20 seconds. Okay, how? How? I'm a coroner. [cries] Okay, stand aside. I'm a medical doctor. Oh, come on. I'll help him as soon as you tell me who his insurance provider is. Oh. Oh, Blue Cross? Oh. Tough luck. Wait, what? Are you serious? Oh. And he's gone. No, he's not. Oh, come here. [groans] Jeremy:<i> Are you okay?</i> Oh, I saw a light. It was beautiful. Thank you, doctor. Yeah, well, I'm a nurse. Oh, you let me get saved by a nurse? So sorry. So sorry. [audience cheering] [man groans] Female:<i> It's going to be all right, sweetheart.</i> You're going to be all right. Somebody please help! My husband has been stabbed! Stabbed, you say? Yes, please sir, can you help? I can certainly try. I'm Detective Doctor. Doctor! Oh, thank goodness you were passing by. He needs a doctor desperately. Oh, I'm no doctor. But you said-- Doctor is my name. I'm a detective. Detective Doctor, at your service. Oh, I see. Thank you kindly, sir. I'm Mrs. Officer. Officer? Why didn't you call for police backup? I'm no officer. But you said-- Officer is my name. I'm a Mrs., Mrs. Officer. Oh, I see. So what happened? Well, a man approached my husband and said, "I told you I'd get you back," and then he stabbed him. Did you recognize this man? It was dark. I couldn't see his face, and he disguised his voice. What on earth is going on here? A mysterious man stabbed Mr. Officer. He stabbed a policeman? He's no policeman. He's a professor, and he's badly hurt. Well, don't worry, ma'am. I'm Doctor Hisbrother. I'll have a look at him. Thank you so much for being here. You know this man? I do now. This is Hisbrother. His brother?! A prime suspect in any case. Excuse me? It's often the brother who has a vendetta. Come back to this crime scene to play the hero, have you? But I'm not his brother. Where were you when he was stabbed? I was working at the hospital! My assistant can vouch for that. Man:<i> Indeed I can.</i> I'm Doctor Detective. Pleased to meet you. Detective Doctor. Excuse me, detective. [Together] Yes? No, not Detective Doctor. Doctor Detective. Doctor! [Together] Yes? [Yells] You're confusing everyone! Get out of here! You called for me? No, I meant Hisbrother. Oh, he's<i> your</i> brother. That makes even more sense. You're saying it wrong. It's pronounced "hiss-brother." He's gone unconscious! I'll look at him again. Woman:<i> 'Ello, someone</i> call for a policeman? Officer Wounded here, what seems to be the problem? We have a Mr. Officer wounded here. That's Mrs. Officer Wounded, if you please. No, I'm fine. It's my husband who's wounded. There are no men with the name Wounded in my family. Must be another Wounded. Another wounded? It seems the culprit is on a stabbing spree, and the only suspect... His brother! Well then, where's your brother? My brother? He's in Paris. Paris? He's a quick one, ain't he? Well, what's my brother got to do with anything? He's under arrest for the stabbing of...who now? Mr. Officer. A policeman? He's being put away for life if I have anything to say about it. But it wasn't my brother. It was<i> his</i> brother. Well, how convenient because you're his brother. My name is "Hisbrother." [coughs] Darling! Mr. Officer. Hey, I'm a woman. Mrs. Officer. Yes, ma'am? Thank you. Is there anything we can do, doctor? Yes. Give me the names of everyone your husband spoke to this week. She was talking to me. Your name's not Doctor. Yes, but I am a doctor. You're very dim to call yourself Detective. I call myself Doctor! THIS IS MADNESS! We caught this man holding a bloody knife two blocks that way. That's him! That's the man who stabbed Mr. Officer! You stabbed a policeman? [gasps] Officer Wrong-Guy. No, it's him, I swear it. It sure is. Well done, Officer Wrong-Guy. It appears he's a disgruntled student of Professor Officer. So your husband's student is your brother. Now I understand! As a matter of fact, he is my brother. He's always been overprotective of me, over-jealous, over-zealous, but I never thought it would come to this. You're a disgrace to the Schtabbum family, Isaac William. Violence ends now, Isaac William. And so does the bloody case of the culprit whose plan was in his name all along: I. Will. Schtabbum! [audience applause] Doctors, I'm afraid John Gibson is here to see you again. Oh! Not again! That hypochondriac is single-handedly driving up health care costs in the United States. Yeah, I think it's time for the treatment that we discussed. You sure? It's awfully risky. It's never been tested before. I don't think we have a choice. Let's do it. Oh doctor, thank you for seeing me, I was just reading about smallpox on Wikipedia and I am absolutely convinced that I have it because of this bump right here. Do you see that? I see. John, we just got your test results back from the lab from when you were last here to see us two hours ago. Yes? And well John, it turns out, you were right about everything. You really do have polio, yellow fever, heart parasites, restless leg syndrome, 16 distinct types of malaria, and by your own description, "all the plagues." How long do I have? Thirty seconds, tops. Oh no, I knew it all along. Shh! You fought a good fight! We're going to name the disease after you. We'll call it the John Gibson TDS. That stands for Total Disaster Syndrome. Thank you; that's very kind of you. Can't be too careful. This is it. I can feel myself slipping. Time of death, 2:41 P.M. Oh no, I'm still here, Doctor. Hello? I'm not dead yet. I'm still alive. Time to call the funeral home. [gasps] I must be dead. What do I do now? [evil laughing] Oh! The devil! John Gibson, I'm afraid your annoying life of tormenting medical personnel has earned you a place in my kingdom. What? How could that be? I couldn't have been that bad! Really? You don't remember the season you got 36 flu shots on the first day they were available? And do you remember how many elderly people were unable to get them that year? Exactly 36. Yes! And they all died! What?! [evil laughing] No just kidding, just a little evil humor for you. [sigh] But seriously, two of them got really, really sick. Oh, I feel awful! That's because you're an awful person John, and you belong with me, ha, ha. Oh, no. Not so fast! Behold: me. An angel! Yes, I have come to barter for this man's soul. B-r-r-ring! Ha ha! You must think me mad for this is the single most ah-nnoying man I have ever seen. Yes, he is very annoying. But is that enough to earn me an eternity of torment? Devil and Angel: [together] Yes. Okay. You have to understand, John, that in your life, you were super,<i> super</i> annoying. And also your doctors were too polite to tell you this, but you always reeked of ammonia. Well it's very clean. And you also stole the tongue depressors after every visit. What? No I didn't. Well then who the heck took-- Focus! Now regardless! You are coming with me. No, but I don't deserve this! Enough! You shall not take him. Be gone, red demon. Ahhhh. Gnashing of teeth. Ah, so it's off to heaven then? No, John, I'm not going to take you either. Oh no, do I go to some kind of in-between place? [whispers] Is it Canada? No, okay? I'm going to send you back to your body, but you must promise to never trouble your doctors again. Oh, but what do I do in life? I was so sick. Yes, I thought of that. And that is why I will cure you with just the touch of my heavenly hand. Oh, amazing. [sings like an angel] Goodbye, heavenly messenger! John! You're alive! Yes! And what's more, I'm completely cured of all diseases! Amazing! You have the strongest heart I've ever heard! Learned doctor, I require your services no more. Farewell. Go! And be sure to pay your $25 copay at the front desk! Mallory: Nicely done, everyone. Yeah, I can't believe that worked. Nice slap, by the way. Felt good. Oh man, what a relief. We have to call him back in here though because he really does have smallpox. [audience cheering] Man:<i> Welcome, students,</i> <i> to your</i> first diagnostic medicine course. I am your instructor, Dr. Cyrus Archer. Thank you, thank you. Let's proceed, shall we? The patient exhibits symptoms of stomachaches, cramps, and nausea. Does anyone have a guess as to the diagnosis? Is it the plague? Hysteria? A ghost. [laughs] I'm afraid only one of you is correct. The answer is clearly a ghost. What? I'm afraid a spirit with unfinished business has made a home in your stomach. And you're absolutely sure? Well, it's either that or these "germs" everyone keeps talking about. [laughing] Oh, look at me! I'm a germ! I make people get really sick even though no one can see me! Well said. You can't see a ghost, either. That's because he's in your stomach. I assure you, if we were to cut you open right now, we would find one angry apparition. Let's cut him open. Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait! I'd like a second opinion. This seems very questionable. How does someone even contract a ghost? Students? Eating red meat? Converting to Protestantism? Educating a woman. Mmm. None of those apply to me. Hmm. What is your astrological sign? Gemini. All: Ah. Oh, don't pretend like you know! Oh, he's becoming hostile. The ghost may have moved into his thinking organ, the lungs. Students: Hmm. We will have to prepare my surgery tools. What? Is that your answer to everything? Cutting people open? You say that like it's a bad thing. Strap him down! Okay, no! No! There must be another way to get rid of a ghost! Indeed there is. Students, what recourse can we offer him? Leeches. Draining a quarter of his blood. Draining all of his blood. Ah, yes. Absolutely. Let's get started. No! You're all crazy! Don't touch me! Sir, please relax. The percentage of patients who survive this is quite high-- In the teens, even! All right, NO! NO! I'm just going to go home and get some rest. [doctor sighs] But, doctor, won't he die now? Normally, yes, but fortunately for him, I managed to slip some mercury into his drink. He'll be right as rain! On to the next patient. This woman seems to be suffering from a curse brought on by a wood nymph. Oh. I'm having a baby! Ah! That's for medicine to decide. Fatty. O-bese. ♪♪ Woman:<i> Okay, settle down, guys!</i> Settle down. Everyone--settle down, okay? Your teacher is sick today, so we're getting a substitute for you. He should be here any minute, and I want you all to be on your best behaviors. Don't make me come down here. [German accent] Hello. Hi. I am Dr. Reebs. Reebs? I am Reebs. Oh! And are you really a doctor? Ja! Like Dr. Dre. Who... Who isn't a doctor. It's a metaphor. He cures the world of bad music. I cure the world of bad fashion. Well, we've had weirder. Good luck! This will not do. Your teacher has taught you nothing! I must start from the beginning. Assistants! [German accent} Yes, Reebs? [German accent] We're here for you, Reebs. Take a look at this class and tell me what era we must be in. Dark ages. Dark ages for sure. Very dark. Ja. These are my assistants, Mimi and Juju. I am Mimi. I am Juju. I am Reebs. What are we learning today? Ah! Perfect! I know everything there is to know about economics. Are you kidding me? I need a volunteer. You. Come! Mimi? Ja. Juju? Ja. Let's teach them economics. It's all about the supply-- And demand. Supply goes up with the price. Demand goes down with the price. Where they meet-- Both: Magic! Boom! Economics. So--so why am I up here? Ah. Cheap, ugly clothes. [scoffs] Ugliness. Nobody wants that. Demand shirt curve shifts down. Uh-oh. Make it cheaply. Wal-Mart $5 special. Supply curve shifts up. Your mother buys it for you and ruins your social life. Your shirt is like a piece of cotton that got confused. Boom! Economics. You guys are jerks. No. I am Reebs. Mmm. What's next? Literature? Yes! New volunteer. You, come! Mimi and Juju: Mmm. What do we have here? I see the problem. Tell me, Mimi. I will tell you, Juju. Poor man's Harry Potter. You're right, Mimi. I am, Juju. Teen Vogue. InStyle. Marie Claire. These are your new homeworks. Open them up. Find the perfect article. All: Magic! Also! "To Kill a Mockingbird." [gasps] Very good book. Ooh, Atticus in fitted Armani suit. Scout in A-line, tea-length dress. Make it emerald green to give her some edge! Boom! Literature. Next! French. French? [whispered] Do you speak French? [whispering] Paris. Mimi and Juju: Go there! Boom! French. Next! Art. Huh. My greatest talent. Yes. [chuckles] Juju? Ja. Mimi? Ja. Ready. ♪♪ Excuse--Excuse me! Excuse me. This young man told me you insulted him in front of the whole class. [scoffs] He insulted my eyes. In front of the whole me. Also, I checked your file and this does not count as a resume. [Mimi and Juju gasp] So if you're not a real substitute, you need to leave. Fine. But their fashion blood is on your hands. Oh, and by the way, your outfit? All: Tragic! ♪♪ All right, it looks like we have a couple vaccines today. Oh yeah, we're going on vacation next week. Oh, cool! Where you guys going? We're going to Cambodia. It's our four-year anniversary. Sounds exotic! We're way excited. I mean, we've been looking forward to this trip for, you know, the better part of a year now. [cries] It's okay! It's okay. Everything's going to be fine. We ju-- Okay. We just have one more shot and then you guys are good to go. Just one more! No. I don't want to! Honey! I don't want to! I don't want to! It's okay. Okay. I don't want to! Hey, hey, hey. It's just fine, it's just a little poke. I DON'T WANT TO! I'm gonna just hold him down, just go ahead and give him the shot. Is this normal? Unfortunately, yes. I said I don't want to! Jeremy! I can numb the area if that's going to make it feel better. Great! Okay, good. That'll take another shot, so just let me-- Jeremy! Sir, I'm going to need you to get down from there. Go away! Hey! What are you doing? Jeremy! Leave me alone. KNOCK IT OFF! Honey, we can get an ice cream cone! Yeah! Really? Yeah. [screams in pain] What the--? Are you okay? No! I am so sorry! Jeremy! Jeremy? Okay, we need you to come out of there, sweetheart. Jeremy:<i> No!</i> We have a present for you. Jeremy:<i> What is it?</i> You'll have to come out here and see it. Jeremy:<i> Put it in my hand.</i> Oh, it's too big for your hand. Jeremy:<i> It is?</i> NOW! [silence] [screams] [cries] [shushes] You're okay. Oh, you were so brave! It's okay. Here, let me wipe off your slobber. Was I a big boy? You were such a big boy. Okay. Now that that's over, ma'am, we just have your shot and you guys are good to go. Uh, okay. Okay, good. [sprays] [screams] RUN, Jeremy! Don't forget the suckers! [screams] [audience cheers] Man:<i> Hola.</i> <i> Bienvenido a...</i> [melodramatic Latin music] Señor Estone? ¿Sí? I'm afraid el prognóstico does not look bueno. Tu fiancée Sofía has eh-slipped into a coma. All we can do now is wait. Gracias, Doctor. No quiero leave este hospital until I know Sofía está bien. Bueno. I will keep you postedo with the updatos. Gracias. Por favor, Sofía. I don't have la capacidad to vivir without you, mi amor. It's muy sad to hear about your financée's accidente. I've been told she was el amor of your vida. [Latin guitar riff] <i> [Señor Estone groans]</i> Your teeth are fake? You could have any teeth and you choose these teeth. Well, I figure if they are too straight, they do not look real. Sí. Charletta. I should have known you would show your toothless cara aquí. Before you marry that burro Sofía-- Oh. What is el problema? Nothing, that's mi malo. I thought for some reason you would have really bad crossed ojos. Oh. No, I got those fixed. Oh. But I still have this. [Latin guitar riff] ¡Hola, chica! Bésame. Sorry. He's muy creepy. ¡Por favor, Grahamo! I necesito tú. Ever since you left, yo soy muy alone in el mundo. ¿Sí? Sí. <i> Sí.</i> ¡Silencio! <i> ¡Ay, mi boca!</i> Oh Charletta, yo soy sorry for questioning your corazon. I have bueno news. Tu fiancée Sofía is awake and she's going to be okay. Grahamo, estoy bien. I had a dreamo-- Ooh! ¡Ay caramba! Grahamo, ¿por qué? [Latin guitar riff] [audience laughing] Es muy malo the sight of you together. Adios... Para siempre. I think it would be más bueno if the dos of you left. <i> You mean the tres of us.</i> <i> ¡Ay!</i> <i> Mi nose es destruido.</i> Another lovers' quarrel, Doctor? Yes, pero no soy doctor. [Latin guitar riff] ¡Yo soy luchador! [cheering] ♪♪ And that's how I discovered that I didn't have a shrimp allergy. Oh my goodness, fascinating story. Mm-hmm. How are you guys enjoying the sketches? We got more! A lot more. And they're way more exciting than we are, so, keep on trucking. I'm excited. Ehh. Woman:<i> Patient suffered</i> extreme trauma after swallowing a flaming sword. Whoa. That's a first. How did that happen? Do you not recognize him, sir? This is Pandolfo the Magnificent, the world-famous magician? Something must have gone wrong during one of his acts. Okay, enough chitchat. We don't have any time for this. He's bleeding internally. Scalpel. There you go. Making first incision. I'm not seeing-- [explosion] Whoa! What the? It's a rabbit, Doctor. Yeah, I know it's a rabbit. How did it get in here? Magic. Don't be an idiot, nurse. Where did it come from? Exactly. Okay, no. We don't have time for this. Give me another scalpel. So weird. Okay, making second-- [explosion] Whoa! What the? This is a hospital, not a backwoods Honey Bucket! We can't have feral rodents running around the O.R. Oh, Doctor, his heartbeat is rapiding. Give me some antiarrhythmics. Make sure to-- What is happening here? [gasps] Where is it all coming from? Man, this guy is good. Nurse, please, try to contain your excitement. I know this-- oh, that's his intestines, okay. We're going to very technically shove that back in there. Okay, should we proceed, Doctor? Yes, we need to-- You just want to see more magic. I can't help it! He's amazing. It's just like I'm watching my uncle again. Your uncle is a magician? No, but he's dead. This patient is not dead yet, but he will be if we keep getting interrupted. Now, please let me focus. Okay, I'm not understanding-- [explosion] [screams] WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY ALL COMING FROM? [giddy] Oh! I'm so glad I got to work this shift! Where's the syringe? Do you see it? Maybe he made it disappear? He is unconscious. The only thing that's disappearing are his odds of staying alive. Check behind my ear. Right, because the magician put it behind your-- [screams] He's amazing! Who hides a syringe behind someone's ear?! [flatlines] Doctor, we're losing him! Give me the crash cart. Hurry, hurry! Clear! [popping] Oh! Clear! [popping] Clear! [popping] [flatline] He's gone. [cries] What the-- That was the card I was thinking of. [cries] Time of death 10:15. I'm sorry, Nurse. I have to admit though, I'm impressed. The world lost a true talent tonight. Let's inform the next of kin and make sure-- [screams] Demon! Get down this instant! He's gone! I lost a body! Oh, I lost a body. The malpractice attorneys are going to eat me alive. TA-DA! Aren't you bleeding internally? How did you--? Ah! A magician never reveals his-- [thud] Yeah, he's gone. [screams] Drive faster, Mallory, the bleeding is getting worse. I'm trying, okay? I get nervous when people yell while I'm driving. Oh my fault, I'll just die in silence, shall I? Matt, you're always so dramatic. Yeah, calm down, Matt. You're not dying. You're just losing large amounts of blood. Yeah, that happens to be a leading cause of death. No, you're thinking of cancer. I thought heart disease was the number one cause of death. Yes, but without blood, my heart will have nothing to pump and will therefore get bored and die. Oh, please try not to get your blood on the seat. Are you guys sure this is the right way to the hospital? I'm pretty sure. What do you mean you're pretty sure? I think it's by that place where we ate at the other day, what was it? Those fries were delicious. Oh my gosh, seriously, they were so good. THIS is my arm! Notice how I'm able to hold it an entire arm's length away from my body. This is an undesirable quality. I insist that you focus on finding me medical care. What are you doing? I have a date after this. Actually, can one of you grab the wheel? Thanks. Hey, how come we're slowing down? Some ducks are crossing the road. Well, what else am I supposed to do? Kill them! That's terrible. No, this is terrible! I'm not killing those ducks, Matt. Yeah. They are adorable. Get me to a hospital. Oh, ugh. Matt, your arm is really cold. Is it, Jason? I'm no doctor but I would venture to guess that's probably indicative of some kind of severe trauma. I don't know, some people just have cold hands all the time. Should I turn the heater on? Oh yeah. Okay. Guys, if I don't make it, I just want you both to know that I hate you. Matt, quit being so dramatic. Look, the ducks are crossing the road. See? And nothing had to die. Oh look, the place with the fries, you think we have time? Yes. Nice. [audience applause] ♪♪ Dramatic Male Narrator:<i> From the producers that brought you...</i> <i> and...</i> [beeping turns to flatline] <i> BYUtv presents a brand-new medical drama.</i> ♪♪ Matt:<i> Get me a crash cart.</i> ♪♪ Narrator:<i> Ethics will be tested.</i> I can't operate on that dog, Whitney, it went on my lawn this morning. My lawn. Jason, you can't let your emotions interfere with the work. We're here to save all the dogs, good dogs and the bad dogs, no matter how hard it is. Narrator:<i> A fatal mistake...</i> Clear. What on earth did you have this set to?! Narrator:<i> will turn best friends...</i> It was just the lowest setting, I-- I'm not going down for this, and if I am, I'm taking you with me. Narrator:<i> ...against each other.</i> ♪♪ You. Natalie, calm down. He used to look at me that way. You homewrecker! Shh. It's okay. I don't even know the difference between a cockatoo and a cockapoo. Narrator:<i> Hand-holding.</i> No one does. ♪♪ Narrator:<i> True character exposed.</i> Have you ever noticed how all pitbulls look the same? Racism, from you? Narrator:<i> Everything goes wrong.</i> Stacey:<i> Guys, the llama's</i> on the loose in the psych ward and he has a scalpel. [whimpering] You got rabies from the patient? It happens, okay? I got too close. Narrator:<i> Fear around every corner.</i> Mallory: I'm afraid. We're all afraid. [intense music] Narrator:<i> And this is just the beginning.</i> What do we do? Get the kale and the timothy hay! What do they eat? <i> Can we feed him rocks?</i> You're a ninja turtle. <i> You make Donatello</i> look like a pansy, man, just hang in there. [intense music] Narrator:<i> ER: Vet Division,</i> <i> coming soon to BYUtv.</i> [sirens] All right Mr. and Mrs. Swenson, are you two ready to have a baby? No! Yes. She's just in a lot of pain right now. Epidural. Oh yes, about that, Mrs. Swenson, I'm afraid you're too far along for an epidural. [grunts] Get me an epidural or he dies! Now honey, I don't think-- [grunting] Surely there's something that you can do? Well there is one treatment we could try, but it's new and untested. We will take it. Honey, just think-- Just shut it. [gasping] We'll take it. Okay Mr. Swenson, if you'll just sit here on this bed. Okay. We're going to hook a device up to your head that will essentially transfer the pain of childbirth. [audience laughing] So Mrs. Swenson, you won't feel a thing. Mr. Swenson, buckle up. Wait, so I'm going to go through labor for her? Doctor:<i> Precisely.</i> All right, just give me a little second to get a little accustomed to this-- [bloodcurdling scream] [groaning] I'm sorry, that pain was involuntary. Okay you know what, perhaps we should wait until the end of a contraction to switch over, maybe let you ease into it. That sounds great. Okay. Oh, and it looks like the contraction has passed so let's switch over in three, two, one. [machine whirring] Okay. I'm a man, I'm stronger than this baby. [audience laughing] Okay, and the contractions come at about 30 seconds apart so it should be coming any moment now. All right, I feel good, I feel good, I feel-- [groaning] [moaning] [moaning and crying] [moaning and crying] These are all empty. [audience laughing] [groaning] [groaning] YOU! [groans] [through mouthful of ice] You did this to me! I<i> hate</i> your mother! [groaning] We're never having another child! Doctor:<i> Okay, this looks like this is it.</i> All right, Jeremy, it's time for you to push. Okay. [groaning] PUSH! [audience laughing] [moaning] Jeremy, just remember what you told me earlier, that pain is weakness leaving the body. I was so insensitive. [groaning] Pain is a baby leaving the body. [groaning] [baby crying] Doctor: Congratulations, you two. He's so beautiful. All the pain was worth it. I just feel so close to him. Life is such a miracle. [shuddering] What was that? Oh honey, I was going to surprise you, we're having twins. [audience laughing] [screaming] Jason:<i> So we've been twins for like</i> 24 years. Twenty-five. Yeah, right, 24, 25 years. <i> How can you not know that?</i> I don't need to know that because you're always there to correct me. Bazan:<i> I'm sensing</i> some tension here. No, we're fine-- Look, I just get a little flustered because sometimes people group us together. People always treat us like we're one person. One person who doesn't know our own age. Okay... Bazan:<i> Well you know,</i> there are a lot of perks to being a twin, too. Both: Yeah? Like what? It's funny you should ask. ♪♪ ♪<i> Let's say you rob a bank, ♪</i> ♪<i> and soon you bump into the boys in blue, ♪</i> ♪<i> they'll try to haul you in, but you win, ♪</i> ♪<i> ‘cause if you've got a twin, ♪</i> ♪<i> how can they ever prove that it was you? ♪</i> ♪<i> Or if you're unlucky in love, ♪</i> ♪<i> and haven't got a sweetheart you can woo, ♪</i> ♪<i> well keep up your morale ‘cause pal ♪</i> ♪<i> your brother's got a gal ♪</i> ♪<i> and if you play your cards right ♪</i> ♪<i> so do you. ♪</i> ♪ Being a twin<i> can have its perks, yeah, ♪</i> ♪<i> your mattress is just your size. ♪</i> ♪ You can have a<i> Suite Life or haunt hotel rooms, ♪</i> ♪ and you've always got<i> good advice. ♪</i> Matt:<i> We have to share</i> everything: birthday, family-- Underwear. We have absolutely nothing in common. That's not true! I finish her sentences all the time, but sometimes they don't make sense. It's called interrupting. So where's<i> your twin?</i> He's right<i> here.</i> <i> I get older,</i> he gets younger. Are you wearing it right now?! <i> Not if you're super mad.</i> ♪<i> If your</i> parents separate ♪ ♪ and split you up right when you're born, ♪ ♪ you'll meet by chance and become close friends-- ♪ ♪ Now where have we seen that before? ♪ It's a trap! ♪ Being a twin is handy, ♪ ♪<i> you don't need a mirror to see your face. ♪</i> ♪<i> You could be the</i> founders of Rome, ♪ ♪ or<i> almost Facebook, ♪</i> ♪<i> and you don't need much personal</i> space. ♪ Stephen:<i> I'm married,</i> he's single. Every time he dates in public people call my wife. Our mom dresses us. One of us doesn't pull it off very well. EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS WHO'S BORN FIRST! Have you ever lost a nine-month race by ONE MINUTE?! How?! Th--I have the same genes as him. So who's older? We're not twins. ♪<i> When we hear you're a twin we're impressed ♪</i> ♪<i> but you'll learn we'll all be let down ♪</i> ♪<i> once we know you're fraternal. ♪</i> ♪<i> Even the</i> twins with skills in magic, ♪ ♪<i> should watch their backs before things get</i> tragic. ♪ ♪ But being a twin can have its perks ♪ ♪ if you just open up your eyes. ♪♪ Wow. You've really got this down. Yeah, do you<i> have a twin?</i> No, actually, I don't. Male: [falsetto voice]<i> Dr. Bazan,</i> Mary-Kate and Ashley are here to see you. [all yelling] WHAT? [yelling continues] WHY-Y-Y? Is she available, or...? [audience applause] Woman: [Southern accent]<i> Mrs. Hansen?</i> Oh, that's me. <i> I'm going to need your insuranc for our billing purposes.</i> <i> [baby crying]</i> Oh, sh. Joy, it's okay. Mama's here. Joy. What a perfect little name for one of heaven's perfect little angels. She's the bright spot in our lives. Quite so, quite so. Oh, she sure is a chipper little skipper. Mm, I do love those little chiclets. I just want to eat them up and absorb their lust for life. Thanks, that's-- Keep 'em young, teach 'em well. Children are our future. Ooh, she's got some cutie patootie pantaloonies! [emotional voice] Oh, Joy. You have brought joy to me today. Thank you. Stacey: [clears throat]<i> Uh, Ms. Hansen,</i> you can wait in room D. Thank you. Yeah. Joy, bye! Stacey:<i> Barbara.</i> Oh, yes. Remember not to keep the patient waiting. Oh, I am so sorry. I just couldn't let that little peanut pass by without cracking it open. Okay... All righty now, Jack? Oh, here he is. This must be the little tater tot. Ooh, I could just eat him up with ketchup and garlic chive Greek yogurt dip. Yeah, so where should we wait-- Oh, look at the chin! That's the chin of a president. Oh, yeah... Going to be president and get rid of all the sadness in this world. These children, they are our future... a future so bright we're all going to get skin cancer. [baby gurgling] He just said my name! Oh, I don't know if he said-- He said, "Barbara, I love you!" He's three weeks old. I love you too, President Jack. Papa bear, can I hold your little cub? What? That wasn't a no. Oh, yeah. Here we go, little buddy. Oh, yes. Oh, thank you. [baby spitting up] Oh, I'm sorry. He spit up on you. Do not apologize. This is the<i> single</i> greatest blessing bestowed upon me today. Thank you. Stacey:<i> Barbara!</i> Nurse Harkey, I was just sending this precious cargo your way. Thank you. Bye, president. I'm so sorry. ♪ And we'll walk hand in hand ♪ ♪ in the light of the rising sun. ♪♪ Excuse me. Yes? When can we see the doctor? Ooh! Who is this chubby cherub? Ooh, you are so sweet. If I ate you up, I'd probably get diabetes again. But that wouldn't stop me! Yeah. He's quite a handful. Well, bricks and mortar make a house, but the laughter of children makes the home. [baby talk] [camera shutter] I will cherish this forever. How did you do that? Barbara:<i> I'm just gonna put it</i> right over here. Oh yes, perfect. Here we go. Barbara:<i> Oh, yeah.</i> Barbara. Yes? Maybe you need to go home for the day. What? Nurse Harkey, I'm fine, okay? I don't know why you would say that. I'm comp-- twins! Oh, are you KFC? 'Cause I see four chubby thighs I could just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. BARBARA, you are making people uncomfortable! You know what, you're done. You need to go home. Oh, can do. Whoa, hey! Come on, chilluns. BARBARA! Hey, Chris, thanks for giving me a ride here. Yeah, yeah, no problem. I can't believe your sister survived jumping into that rhino cage. Yeah. Also, why did your sister jump into that rhino cage? Oh, we have a series of escalating dares. Wow. It's clearly time to stop. You think she'll be okay? Oh yeah, yeah. I think she'll be fine. Why do you ask? Are you going to take her on that date she's been hounding you about? She's really persistent, but I don't think she's my type. Hey, Brandon? Can we get you at the front desk to fill out some paperwork for your sister? Sure. I'll just be a minute. Yeah, cool. [coughs] Catherine, Catherine, hey. Where--where am I? Um, you need to lay back. You've had a really long day. Oh, Chr-Chris! Hi! Hi! [flirty] Hi. Fancy meeting you here. At the hospital? So did you, uh, lift me onto this gurney all by yourself? No, I think the EMT's-- Yeah, I'll bet you did with those guns. Ooh! [makes gun noise] Catherine, I think you need to rest. Caaat. What? Call me Cat. [cat noise] [clicks tongue] Ow! Oh, ow! That tickled, but less in a fun way and more of a way that feels like stabbing. Yeah. They said the rhino literally stepped on your face. So you were looking at my face. It's hard not to. What are you? What is that? What are you doing? Stop that. Stop. You're going to hurt yourself some more. Okay, yeah, I'll stop, but just because you asked me to and not because my jaw makes the sound of Rice Krispies when it moves. Okay, you need to lay back, Catherine, really. But then it would mess up my hair, which someone has failed to compliment. <i> No, no, I wouldn't touch your head.</i> <i> The, uh--</i> [audience screaming] the rhino started eating it after you blacked out. You're just left a few wispies. Well, it's, uh, nothing a little accessorizing wouldn't fix. [groans] Okay, this-- Catherine, seriously, you just need to lay down. Oh, come on, you-- OW! MY GOODNESS! THAT EVIL WHAT-- Your arm's severely injured, so... Didn't even need an x-ray or anything, burly Sherlock. Sherlock! Elementary, dear Watson. It's got a rhino horn sticking out of it. It's pretty obvious. [audience reacts] You like a girl who's literally one with nature? No, no I-- Charge! Stop, stop. Oh come on, stop. Put that away, please. Ooh! You smell like Old Spice and antiseptic. Just the--you know, the hand sanitizer when I came in. What are you-- You're so thoughtful of my weakened immune system. No, I'm not-- Oh, oh, oh. I think my lips are gone. I think this is one of your molars. Your mouth's bleeding a lot. Not as much as my bleeding heart. I cannot tell if you're flirting with me or hemorrhaging internally. Both. That's not a good thing. Can we--yes. Okay, Catherine. We need to get you off to surgery. We have to hustle because it turns out that rhino did have rabies. You kissed me when you had rabies? Brandon dared me to! You will not back down! Oh guys, come on! How'd you guys like that? Did you love it? Then subscribe! Yes, it's over! So watch more videos! And have a good one. See you guys. Let's do the “Health Hula”" Health Hula. This is what doctors do when they save a patient. Woo! And everyone's gone. No more triple bypass surgery. No more clogged arteries. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Yeah.
Info
Channel: undefined
Views: 2,169,764
Rating: 4.9039812 out of 5
Keywords: BYUtv, BYU tv, BYUtelevision, Studio C, StudioC, comedy, sketch comedy, funny, lol, laugh, snl, Compilation Medical, a prescription of medical sketches, studio c doctor, studio c medicine, compilation, medical, doctor, nurse, medication
Id: ldV6PsbbVIs
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 48min 46sec (2926 seconds)
Published: Fri Apr 19 2019
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