FIRST THINGS FIRST, HAPPY
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYONE. YEAH? I PURPOSEFULLY, I PURPOSEFULLY
DIDN'T WEAR GREEN BECAUSE I WANTED JOEL TO PINCH ME. (LAUGHTER)
NOW LET'S BE HONEST OUR VIEWERS DON'T COME HERE TO TALK ABOUT
SAINTS NOR PATRICKS, THEY COME HERE FOR HARD HITTING HEADLINES
LET'S JUMP INTO THE NEWS. ACCORDING TO A NEW NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE REPORT VLADIMIR PUTIN PERSONALLY APPROVED
OPERATIONS TO DAMAGE JOE BIDEN'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN AN
EFFORT TO HELP DONALD TRUMP, YEAH. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE TO
LETS PUTIN HOUSE SIT FOR ME. THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF
LIFE OUTSIDE OF JUST MESSING WITH AMERICAN ELECTIONS. HE IS REALLY INTO IT, IS THERE
NOT ONE PERSON IN RUSSIA THAT COULD JUST TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY
THE SAXOPHONE? JUST DIVERT HIM A LITTLE, YOU
KNOW, IMPOSSIBLE TO DISLIKE ANYONE WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE. I REALLY BELIEVE THAT. I DO. HAVE YOU EVER MET A SAXOPHONE
PLAYER YOU DIDN'T LIKE? KENNY G COULD WALK UP, PUNCH YOU
IN THE FACE, AND JUST AS ARE YOU ABOUT TO GET HIM BACK HE
GOES-- . ♪ AND YOU ARE LIKE, AH, YOU'RE
ALL RIGHT. YOU PLAY, DON'T YOU, STEVE. >> YEAH, A LITTLE BIT. >> James: YEAH, WELL, THAT
CHANGES. >> YEAH, I KNOW. >> James: THIS MORNING
PRESIDENT BIDEN RESPONDED TO THE REPORT IN AN INTERVIEW SAYING
VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL PAY FOR HIS INTERFERENCE. HAVE A LOOK. >> WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY. >> HE WILL PAY A PRICE. WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I. I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL. >> SO WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY. >> THE PRICE HE IS GOING TO PAY,
YOU WILL SEE SHORLTLY. >> James: I THINK IT'S A TIME
OUT. OR THE NAUGHTY STEP, WILL MAKE
HIM SIT ON THE NAUGHTY STEPS. HE WILL PAY A PRICE. TRADITIONALLY THAT MEANS THE
BIDEN FIRES UNDER THE CORVETTE, TEARS UP YOUR FRONT LAWN DOING
DONUTS SO WATCH OUT. I THINK IT IS PRETTY CLEAR WHEN
YOU WATCH THAT THAT BIDEN DOES NOT HAVE AN ANSWER YET AND HE IS
JUST STALLING. HE IS LIKE OH, THERE IS A PRICE
ALL RIGHT. AND HE'S GOING TO PAY IT. YEAH, AND THAT PRICE, IS WHAT HE
IS GOING TO I PA. YOU WATCH. YOU-- OH, YOU MARK MY WORDS, HE
WILL PAY A PRICE. YEAH, HE IS ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING
I WILL DO. IN THAT SAME INTERVIEW BIDEN
ALSO SAID THAT PUTIN IS A KILLER AND HE ONCE TOLD PUTIN THAT HE
HAS NO SOUL. >> I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY, I
WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN 4EUS OFFICE. I SAID I LOOKED IN YOUR HIGHS I
SAID I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A SOUL. HE LOOKED BACK AT ME AND SAID I
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. >> James: SO BASICALLY EVERY
MEETING WITH PUTIN IS LIKE A SCENE FROM A JEAN CLAUDE VAN
DAMME MOVIE. >> WOODEN LOOKED HIM IN THE EYES
AND SAID I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A SOUL. AND HE SAID SIR, THAT IS A
PAINTING. (LAUGHTER). >> James: I ALREADY KNEW PUTIN
DIDN'T HAVE A SOUL. NOBODY WHO LIVES THEIR LIFELIKE
AN INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER DOES. LOOK AT THAT. IN LOCAL POLITICAL NEWS EARLIER
TODAY OPPONENTS OF CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEW SOME
SUBMITTED THE FINAL BATCH OF SIGNATURES NEEDED TO FORCE
NEWSOM'S RECALL. THIS WILL BE ONLY THE SECOND
TIME A CAMPAIGN TO RECALL A CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR HAS MADE THE
BALLOT. PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES WERE LIKE
A RECALL. OH MY GOD, IS IT KALE. WHEN SHE HEARD THIS NEWSOM
EX-WIFE KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE DECLARED, THE BEST IS YET TO
COME! >> James: NOW DOES THAT JOKE
WORK? NO, IT IS IT A JUMPING OFF POINT
TO TALK ABOUT HOW THOSE TWO WERE ACTUALLY ONCE MARRIED? YOU BET IT IS. (LAUGHTER)
THAT SAY REAL PHOTO. WE HAVE A PHOTO, ROLL THAT UP
AGAIN. THEY DID A PHOTO, HAMPER'S BA
ZAR. YOU CAN IMAGINE THOSE TWO
MARRIED? >> YOU THE AMOUNT OF HAIR
PRODUCT WOULD BE SUFFICIENT KATEING. >> James: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, PART OF THE SCREAMING, SHOUTING, ONE PERSON IS SHOUTING
WHILE THE OTHER ISK LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, THINKING DAMNK I'M
HOT. YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOM WOULD SAY
ABOUT GAVIN NEWSOM, IF SHE SAW HIM SHE I WOULD SA HE IS CHOCK
LAT-- I MEAN ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF MARGARET
CORDEN'S TOP FIVE LOCKER OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT PEOPLE. AND ON THAT ONE SHE WOULD BE
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. WOULDN'T SHE? IF HE WAS CHOCOLATE HE WOULD EAT
HIMSELF. BUT THEN I STARTED THINK ABOUT
IT, WHAT IF I WAS CHOCOLATE. I CAN'T SEE MY LASTING LONG. IF I WAS INVOLVED IN A TERRIBLE,
LET'S SAY I WAS INVOLVED IN A TERRIBLE FISHING ACCIDENT AND A
TRAGICALLY LOST AN ARM AND WHEN I COME AROUND, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE
ALL THERE AND YOU GO JAMES, YOU'VE LOST AN ARM BUT THEY
REPLACED IT WITH A CHOCOLATE ARM. I DON'T THINK THAT ARM IS
LASTING LONG, RIGHT? LIKE I THINK IF IT'S A CHOCOLATE
ARM AND CAN I USE IT AND IT IS COMPLETELY FINE, CAN I PICK UP
STUFF, CAN I WRITE EMAILS AND THEN I'M BOARD AND I'M LIKE-- DO
I NEED A THUMB? DO I NEED A THUMB, AND THEN
BANG, THAT IS IT, THEN THE BRAKES ARE OFF. >> IF I HAD A CHOCOLATE ARM I
WOULD EAT IT SO FAST THEY WOULD HAVE TO MAKE ME A CHOCOLATE FOOT
FROM THE DIABETES I GOT FROM IT IN OTHER NEWS HEY WILLIE, HOW
ARE YOU DOING? >> WHAT HAPPENED? YOU BEEN BUYING SOME BITCOIN. >> NO, I WAS TRYING TO FINISH MY
BROWNIE. SO-- YEAH. >> James: YOU WERE TRYING TO
FINISH YOUR BROWNIE. >> YEAH. >> James: AND YOU THOUGHT THIS
BROWNIE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE
SHOW. >> BY A LITTLE BIT, JUST A
LITTLE BIT. >> James: JUST A LITTLE BIT. ME AND WINNIE HAVE STARTED A NEW
BUSINESS TODAY, YEAH? OKAY, THERE WE GO. SORRY GUYS. IT'S-- TIME CAN WE JUST OPEN THE
CANS BEFORE A SHOW AND PUT STRAWS IN THEM? YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD IT TO THE
MICROPHONEK ME AND WINNIE HAVE STARTED A BRAND NEW BUSINESS AND
IT IS GOING TO SHAKE UP THE WORLD. ST OUR EXIT, OUR WAY OUT,
WINNIE, DO YOU WANT TO SHARE WHAT WE ARE DOING. >> IT IS-- THAT DON'T GET STUCK,
YOU CAN SWIPE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE AND IT'S GONE. >> James: WE'RE GOING TO
CREATE, CHIA SEEDS THAT WILL NOT GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH. AND WE'VE GOT OUR BEST MINDS
WORKING ON THIS, GUYS. ARE YOU IN FOR THIS, ROB, 50K,
WE NEED 50K FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS IN, AND BELIEVE ME YOU'LL
GET YOUR MONEY BACK AND THEN SOME. >> I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU TWO
AND THE SCIENCE BEHIND IT. I LIKE YOU FOR A LOT OF OTHER
REASONS BUT YOU TWO IN A LAB TRYING TO DISCOVER A BETTER WAY
TO MAKE A CHIA SEED. >> James: WE'RE NOT IN THE
LAB, WE'RE NOT IN THE LAB. STEVE JOBS WASN'T IN THERE
PHYSICALLY MAKING YOUR PHONE. HE WALKED INTO A ROOM AND SAID
YOU GUYSK FIGURE IT OUT, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE GOING
TO DO. >> YOU ARE THE BIG IDEA PEOPLE. >> James: YEAH, WE ARE THE
IDEAS FACTORY, WE ARE THE BRAINS, WE ARE THE LIGHT BULL
BE, WE ARE THE SWITCH, YOU MAKE THE BULL BE. YEAH? NESS WITH OKAY, I'M IN FOR $500. >> James: 500, OKAY, IT'S A
START. >> Reggie: 250. >> James: THAT IS SLIGHTLY
MORE THAN I THOUGHT WE WOULD GET. WIN YEA, YOU HAVE ACCESS TO
ROB'S CARD, RIGHT, YOU GET HIS LUNCH, SO NEXT TIME THERE SAY
KITCHEN RUN SWIPE THAT UP FOR ANOTHER $500. THEN I THINK WE CALL IT A DAY,
CUT OUR LOSSES AND SAY YOU KNOW WHAT, ROB, WE DIDN'T HAVE THE
SCIENCE, I'M-- SORRY BUT WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BACKING. IN OTHER NEWS, CONSERVATIVE
LAWMAKERS IN UTAH HAVE PROPOSED A BILL THAT WOULD AUTOMATICALLY
BLOCK PORNOGRAPHY ON EVERY PHONE AND TABLET SOLD IN THE STATE. SO CONGRATULATIONS ON BREAKING
EVERY SINGLE SALES RECORD, CLOSEST VERIZON STORE IN
COLORADO. I DON'T SEE HOW THIS CAN WORK. THIS IS JUST GOING TO RESULT IN
MORE CREATIVE GOOGLE SEARCHES, ISN'T IT? BUT I'M SURPRISED THIS IS COMING
FROM UTAH BECAUSE THE SENATOR IN UTAH IS MITT ROMNEY. WHICH IS WITHOUT QUESTION THE
BEST PORN NAME IN CONGRESS. >> MITT ROMNEY, HERE SO FIX YOUR
DRYER. WHAT OTHER POLITICIANS HAVE GOT
GOOD PORN NAMES, DO YOU EVER DO THAT THING HEAR WHERE YOU FIGURE
OUT WHAT YOUR PORN NAME IS. >> YEAH, YEAH. >> James: YOUR FIRST PET AND
YOUR MOTHER'S MADEEN NAME, IS THAT HOW YOU DO IT. >> YEAH. >> James: THAT WOULD MAKE ME
DENSA COLIN, ABSOLUTELY BE A SEN SAINGS-- SCEN SAYINGAL PORN
NAME. SUSAN WHAT IS YOUR PORN NAME. >> HERE IN AMERICA IT IS YOUR
PET'S NAME AND THE STREET YOU LIVED ON, RIGHT. >> SO PENNY KINGSTON. >> James: PENNY KINGSTON IS
AN-- PENNY KINGSTON, BAT FISHING ACCIDENT. PENNY KINGSTON, SO YOU SEE WHAT
IS YOUR PORN NAME. >> SUPER DOG-- . >> James: I DIDN'T ASK FOR
YOUR ACTUAL PORN NAME SEUCHER DOG ASH CAKE. >> James: TIM BHARK IS YOURS. >> BONKERS ED YEAR-- BONKERS
EDDIE. >> James: BONKERS EDDIE, YOU
WOULD BE LIKE THE FUNNY GUY. LAKE TWO PLUMBERS AND THEN YOU,
AND BONKERS EDDIE, WHOA. WELL, I GUESS I'M JOINING IN. >> BONKERS EDDIE IS THE GUY WHO
EATS THE PIDZA ANYWAY. >> James: AND FINALLY DID
EVERYBODY SEE THIS, IN AN EFFORT TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF THE
CORONAVIRUS, NEW STATE GUIDE LINES ARE ASKING PEOPLE TO AVOID
SCREAMING ON CALIFORNIA THEME PARK RIDES. ALTHOUGH IT IS GOING TO BE TOUGH
NOT TO SCREAM WHEN YOU FIND OUT HOW MUCH THEY ARE CHARGING YOU
FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME,
THAT IS WHY THAT LAST LAUGH WAS SO MUTED. IT WAS HILARIOUS, BECAUSE YOU
DON'T WANT TO LAUGH TOO MUCH OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION. THEME PARKS DON'T WANT YOU
SCREAMING ANY MORE WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THESE NEW SIGNS
HAVE POPPED UP NEXT TO ALL THE RIDES.
