to "The Tonight Show!"
You guys, we are -- [ Cheers and applause ] We are finally back home
in Studio 6B. It is so good...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...to see this beautiful set
and this crowd right here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my goodness. And also the family of raccoons
that now live in my desk, which is --
[ Laughter ] Please, just give me a minute
to soak up this audience. I've never been
so excited to do a show for 58 people in my entire life. This is --
[ Cheers and applause ] This is what -- this is --
this is -- seriously! Seriously, after --
[ Cheers and applause ] After last year,
this is like performing at a sold-out
Madison Square Garden. It really feels that way.
It really does. That's right. For the first time
in over a year, we have an actual crowd. So now if you hear total silence
after a joke, that's just because
it wasn't good. [ Laughter ] Yep, all week, our audience
will include first responders
and healthcare workers. -Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Everyone here is fully masked,
fully vaccinated, and fully skipping work,
by the way. [ Laughter ]
You deserve it. Of course, I just want to thank
all of you for everything you've done for this country
in the past year. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] Alright, everybody, let's start
the show with some fun news. March Madness is in full swing,
and we're down to the Sweet 16. And already, there are
zero perfect brackets left. [ Laughter ] Yeah, I can't believe
our strategy of five minutes of research and blind guessing
didn't work. [ Light laughter ] Those are one of the jokes
that didn't work, guys. [ Laughter ] You'll be hearing them
throughout the evening. -It's real, man. It's real. -One of the biggest upsets
was number 8 Loyola Chicago knocking off number 1 Illinois. And no one's happier about it
than 101-year-old nun and team chaplain Sister Jean. [ Cheers and applause ] She was psyched. After the game,
Sister Jean was amped up. In the locker room,
she was spraying holy water like it was champagne.
[ Laughter ] And during the broadcast,
they talked about Sister Jean's pregame prayer that she
delivered to the team. It's amazing. Listen to this. -Here's what she told them. "As we play the Fighting Illini,
we ask for special help to overcome this team
and get a great win. We hope to score early
and make our opponents nervous. We have great opportunity
to convert rebounds as this team makes about 50% of layups
and 30% of its 3-pointers. Our defense can
take care of that." [ Laughter ] -Wow.
-Wow. -Right now,
Charles Barkley is like, "She's better at analyzing
college basketball than I am!" [ Laughter ] If you think that's shocking,
next season, Sister Jean is being added to
the cast of "Basketball Wives." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, the tournament's
true Cinderella is Oral Roberts University. They beat Ohio State
and Florida, becoming just the second 15 seed
in history to make the Sweet 16. Oral Roberts fans were like, "Maybe now people will stop
thinking we're a toothpaste." [ Laughter ] Actually, "Oral Roberts" sounds
like something you can't say around
Sister Jean. [ Laughter ] After Oral Roberts pulled off
their second huge upset, the students back on campus
in Tulsa were pretty excited. Take a look at this. [ Cheering ]
-Enjoy it. Soak it in. -Even spring breakers in Florida
were like, "Everyone's pretty close.
Just saying." [ Laughter ] Yeah, not only is it
March Madness, it's also spring break season. But over the weekend, Miami
declared a state of emergency and mandated a curfew
due to COVID concerns. You know things
are out of control when Florida
is worried about COVID. [ Laughter ] College kids were like, "It's
a shame, 'cause I flew to Miami during a pandemic
to party very responsibly." [ Laughter ] Yep, now there's a curfew
from 8:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m., so spring breakers will have to
return to their motel rooms. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] The best way
to guard against COVID is forcing drunks
into small, confined spaces. That's what I've always heard.
[ Laughter ] Some more news here. Just when you thought
he was gone, I saw that former
President Trump is creating his own social-media platform. If it goes according to plan, it'll be the first thing
he'll help go viral since the coronavirus. [ Audience oohs ] [ Applause ] But you have to be careful with
the Trump social-media platform. The site will automatically flag any statements
that turn out to be factual. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, not to be outdone,
last week, Joe Biden joined Tumblr on the stairs
of Air Force One. Take a look at --
Whoop! There you go. Oh, boy! Whoa! [ Laughter ] At that point, just lay there. "I'm taking my Zoom meetings
from here." [ Laughter ] Speaking of Trump,
I just saw an update on what's going on
with his old private plane. Watch this. -It was the ultimate
status symbol -- Donald Trump's Boeing 757. Today, however, the massive jet
sits abandoned at an upstate New York airport. One engine mostly missing, one wrapped, idle,
in apparent disrepair. According to records,
it hasn't been flown in months. -Yeah, one engine wrapped,
the other's missing. Or as United put it,
"We'll take it!" [ Laughter ] "Get that baby in the sky!"
[ Laughter ] Some business news --
I saw that Krispy Kreme is giving free glazed doughnuts
to customers who get vaccinated. [ Audience oohs ] I'd like to meet
the one person who's like, "I wasn't gonna
get the vaccine, but... [ Laughter ] "...I heard about
that free doughnut." [ Applause ] "You pick the arm. I don't care. I hold a doughnut with this arm.
So you gotta get --" [ Laughter ] So if obesity wasn't your
pre-existing condition before... [ Laughter ] ...it's about to be. [ Laughter ] I heard about a winery
in California that's offering
a pretty sweet job. Listen to this thing. -The Murphy-Goode Winery
in Sonoma, California, is offering $10,000 a month to
work and live there rent free. The company is looking for
someone who "takes life one sip at a time." [ Laughter ] -When they heard that,
every parent trying to teach their kids on Zoom
was like... [ Cheering ] [ Laughter and applause ] Check this out.
A man in California is being investigated for
using a drone to deliver meth. Police got suspicious when they
saw the man 200 feet in the air, hanging onto the drone. [ Laughter ] And finally, a United flight
from Newark to Miami was diverted after one man
bit another passenger's ear. [ Audience oohs ] When United heard,
they immediately charged him $8 for an in-flight snack. Well, guys,
this is very exciting. Today, New York lowered
the COVID vaccine eligibilit to 50 years old. [ Cheers and applause ] So good news --
now every New York City hot do can get the vaccine. -Aww. -Yep, New Yorkers will do
anything to get vaccinated This morning, I saw Times Square
Elmo getting gray streaks. [ Laughter ] He was wearing a mask. -Yeah, that's true.
-Yeah. Technically. Dropping the age requirement
to 50 is super-exciting until you go for your shot
and no one checks your ID. It's like --
"Don't you want to see proof?" It's like, "No.
You're -- You're fine." My mom would do that
all the time. Like, "I got my ID checked
today at the store." I go, "They didn't think
you were 21 years old?" [ Laughter ] She really did do that.
Oh, gosh. Honestly, this really mean
that everyone's eligible 'cause, after the last year,
even kids look 50. [Inhales sharply] [Gravelly voice]
"What do I have to do to get a Go-Gurt around here?" Meanwhile, today in Russia
Vladimir Putin got his COVID vaccine, but the Kremlin wouldn't say
which vaccine Putin got. -Yep, it will either be
Sputnik V, COVID-Vac, or Smirnoff & Smirnoff. The nurse asked which arm,
and Putin said, "Left pec, and then galloped away
shirtless on a horse. [ Laughter ] Yep, by getting the vaccine, Putin made history
as the first Russian to get injected with something
and live to talk about it. [ Audience groans ] I mean, normally,
when a Russian gets injected,
they're either being poisone or preparing for the Olympics.
Let's be honest. -[ Audience groans ]
-Woman: Nice! -[ Laughs ]
I got a "nice" on that. -Wow. "Nice!"
-Somebody said, "Nice!" That's the thing about
these tinier, smaller crowds -They're intimate.
-Yeah, they're actual -- Verbal feedback.
-Yeah. -"Nice!" All right.
I'll take "nice." Speaking of the pandemic,
I saw that DoorDash will now deliver COVID test kits
to your house. Yeah, the DoorDash guy
will hook you up with fast food, COVID tests, and, after
a long enough pause, weed. [ Laughter ] "Here's your delivery.
Here's your test. [ Clears throat ] All right. All right.
Let me see what I got." I got to be honest.
It's a little strange getting medical supplies
from the same guy who bought you lunch
from Fuddruckers. Get this.
I saw that the theme park Disney California Adventur
just reopened. That's right. You can pay $7 to walk around the park
and buy stuff, but none of the rides
are running. The CEO of Disneyland was
on the news to talk about it Check it out. -We're certainly
going to be operating under some significant
capacity constraints, but there's still plenty
of things you can do at the park like... Ohh. That sounds --
That sounds fun. "Hey. Hey.
We're on the tea cups. We're on the tea cups!" Some news -- Some news out of Washingto
this week. President Biden's team
is working on a $3-trillio proposal for jobs, education
and infrastructure. Yeah. $3 trillion. Does Joe Biden have a bunc
of bitcoin we don't know about Yep, the plan
will cost $3 trillion, and it will be paid for
in quarters Biden finds behind your ear. "Hey, whippersnapper." [ Laughter ] Actually, to pay for his plan, Biden may raise taxes
on corporations. And you can tell
big corporations aren't happy. This morning, when Biden asked
his iPhone for the weather Siri was like... -Siri:
Try opening a window, bitch. -Ohh! Indeed! [ Applause ] That is rude! -This was interesting.
According to the White House Biden and former President Obama
talk on the phone all the time Yeah, it's strange
when those guys talk. Half the time,
the other is thinking, "Will this guy
wrap it up already?" Biden and Obama actually
have a great relationship, I mean, compared
to the last president, who tried to have
his VP murdered! [ Laughter ] Some business news. I saw that
Popeyes just announced plans to open its first restaurant
in the UK. Oh, man, the monarchy is already
on the brink of collapse. I don't think they can handl
a chicken-sandwich war. Yeah, at long last, people
of the UK will be able to tast that exotic delicacy --
chicken on bread. [ Laughter ] [British accent]
"My word, what do you call this? -[British accent]
"Insane! -This isn't a scone at all -Someone call
the Earl of Surrey!" -It's a buttermilk biscuit!" -"Wait. This chicken is fried! -Listen to this.
There's a new study that found that, on average, people gained 2 pounds per month
during quarantine. Keep in mind,
some of that weight is just layers of sweatpants that are now melded
to your body. People are like, "Whoa. Hang on. I got injected with the vaccine.
That's got to weigh something. We all knew something was up
because over the last year either our masks got smaller
or our faces got bigger. Do you know
what I'm talking about? And, finally, this is crazy. A Utah man's
Ring doorbell camera captured four cougars
outside his front door. Take a look at this. Look at that. Yeah. When he looked back later,
he saw an empty pizza box and a torn red shirt
that said "Papa John's." [ Laughter ] You know when I heard
about four cougars on a camera I thought it was
going to be the trailer for the new "Sex and the City. Well, guys,
after weeks of waiting, tomorrow afternoon,
at 1:15 p.m., President Biden will hold
his first presidential press conference. People who normally watch soap
will be like, "Who's the new beefcake
on 'Young & The Restless'? [ Laughter ] Yep, news ratings are down
so CNN asked Biden if he'd be willing
to do the press conference dressed like
one of the Avengers. [ Laughter ] After being first
for four years, I wonder how many people Biden
will call on before Fox News Be like,
"Yes, you in the back from the Sister Ignatius
Middle School Gazette." [ Laughter ] Biden's dealing with
North Korea, a border crisis,
and a global pandemic. But, of course,
the first question will be "Sir, why did you fall
three times going up the stair of Air Force One?
Follow up question! Is Major the Dog happy to be
back at the White House?" [ Laughter ] Actually,
to prove that he's fine, when Biden returned
to the White House last night, he jogged a couple steps
on the South lawn. I -- I think it helped.
Let's see how he did. -Yeah.
[ Cheers ] That's right.
That's right. That's right.
[ Laughter ] I'm sure that'll squash
all the conspiracy theories. [ Laughter ] It looked like he was gonn
try to catch a bus and then thought, "Ah, you know,
I'll wait for the next one." [ Laughter ] Some news from overseas.
Well, here's something I didn't expect
to be talking about. A massive cargo ship
got spun around and stuck in the Suez Canal,
blocking more than 100 ships Look at this thing.
It's giant. Look at that.
[ Laughs ] If you look closely, the shi
has a tiny bumper sticker that says "Student driver.
So, I mean... -Oh, come on.
[ Laughter ] -Traffic is backed up for miles, and hundreds of ships
are delayed. Do you know how stressful it i
to parallel park when there's someone behind you? Imagine blocking
a whole hemisphere. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ] Yeah, that's a tough day
for that captain. Right now, he's trending
worldwide on Twitter as #DockBlocker.
[ Laughter ] Listen to this --
I read that Pfizer has begun testing an oral anti-viral dru
for COVID. Man, if they can just
put the medicine into a chicken sandwich, America will flatten
the curve by Friday. [ Cheers and applause ]
By Friday! Trust me! Imagine if this oral drug
has to be refrigerated. "Have fun swallowing
a minus-80-degree ice marble." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, researchers in Mexico
have invented a new mask. Higgins, you'll be very excite
about this. -I can't wait to hear about it
-Now look at this. They invented a new mask
over in Mexico. They claim it reduces
the risk of infection while eating or talking. -Oh.
-Take a look at this. -There you go. [ Laughter ] -What?
-What? -What are you talking about?
-Dog nose? -What are you
talking about, man? That's it, right there.
That solves it. -It makes sense.
-It's got to reduce the risk by at least 50%.
-Yeah. Sure, man.
-Sure. Absolutely. [ Laughter ] I have a feeling
whatever's going that way is probably coming this way,
as well. But whatever. I mean, it looks like a nose thong. [ Laughter ] -Nose diaper.
-The most interesting part is, underneath that is two eve
tinier masks over each nostril -Wow!
[ Laughter ] -Right now, the CDC
is calling it groundbreaking and wildly ineffective.
[ Laughter ] Some business news.
I saw that Southwest Airline is doing away
with social distancing. It has decided to return to its pre-pandemic
boarding procedures. -Ooh.
-I think the real story here i that Southwest is claiming tha
they have boarding procedures. [ Laughter ] If you don't remember
Southwest's old boarding procedure,
it's basically this. -And here we go!
-There you go. See? "Oh, I'm in section --
No --" [ Applause ] "Now seating the D section."
"No, I'm D!" "No, I'm sorry,
A first, then D." Speaking of air travel,
we mentioned this last month We got thousands of letters. [ Chuckles ]
Did we? [ Laughter ]
-Why not? Why not? -I don't believe that.
But we got thousands of letters. -Thousands, man.
-People still write letters. -We got hundred and thousand
of letters. -That's correct.
We got thousands of letter asking us to talk about it
again, apparently. -Oh, good, good.
-Because the Philadelphia airport has a robot.
Do you remember this? -Yeah.
-It delivers food to travelers But actually, the way
it works is, it's a robot, and then someone
who works there, and the robot follows
the person who works there And then, that person --
the robot follows them, then, whoever's eating the foo
has to go in the robot and get their sandwich,
at the robot. -That sounds efficient.
[ Laughter ] -Or they could just have
the human bring the sandwich over to the people.
Yeah, this much. -You don't want hands
on your hoagie. So, you know, the robot --
-Hey, don't talk dirty! [ Laughter ]
-No, he didn't mean that. No, no.
-What happened? I left,
and now it's a filth show? -No, in Philadelphia,
that means a sandwich. -Yeah. You don't want hand
on your hero. -Yeah, you know what?
-Hey! -Hey, Higgins.
No, hey. -Filthy!
-Yeah, no, no, he doesn't mean
that type of hero. He means a sandwich.
-Oh, okay. -It keeps paws off your po' boy. [ Laughter ] -Okay.
All right. -It's all getting --
-I've had enough of innuendos. -How does your sandwich
get made? How does your sandwich
get made? -I mean, safely, you know,
in a facility by other robots. -We can't just -- [ Laughter ] Can't you just
get your sandwich there, and you handle it,
your sandwich? -I think, you know, they'r
trying to cut down risk, man Come on.
[ Laughter ] We do what we can, man.
-Or you do too much. [ Laughter ] Anyways, it delivers food
to travelers. But now, get this. This is what the Philadelphi
airport is doing now. They're asking
for name suggestions... -Oh, no.
-...for the robot. Just watch this.
-Ah. -The food delivery robot..
-That's the thing. -...at Philadelphia
International Airport needs a name, and the airpor
wants your help. Travelers can come up
with a list of names, and the airport
will narrow them down. There will then be a contest
to pick the name. -This is such a bad idea. You're gonna let Philly choose the name? -Yes! -Perfect. Well, congratulations. Say hello to R2-D-Bag,
everybody. [ Laughter ]
You win! No, you win! You're right.
You're right. Let them choose. The robot's working now,
but next month, a Phillies fan will hurl that thing
at a Mets outfielder. Just trust me.
Watch. [ Laughter ] [ Grunts ]
-Boo! -Yeah, exactly.
Uh, listen to this. Wedding retailer David's Bridal.
You guys know David's Bridal Well, they're saying that
weddings are coming back, but they're taking on
a more casual tone. Yeah.
It was only a matter of time before people were like, "Wait
Is spending 5 grand on a dress you only wear once stupid?
[ Laughter ] "It is?"
[ Laughter ] It's getting so casual,
David's Bridal is keeping all their dresses in bins
like it's T.J.Maxx. [ Laughter ] "You looking for a dress?
Yeah, no problem. We have -- this whole bin
is small to extra large." [ Laughter ] "We don't put it in size.
It's just in that pile." Well, now, guys, everyone
is keeping a close eye on their brackets ahead of
next week's Final Four, but we thought it'd be fun
to pick a different kind of Final Four.
That's right. It's time for
a "News Flub Final Four." Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪♪ -Okay.
Let's look at our picks here Oh, there they are.
Our top four news flubs. First, we have a reporter who runs into some issues
with her microphone. Let's see how it goes. -Annette Lawless
is live on the scene, tracking down new information.
Good morning, Annette. [ Low, robotic voice ]
That's right, Gloria. Those fire crews
are still out here right now [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -It's the Philly robot.
Yeah. -No, yeah.
I watch her all -- She's on SNN,
Satanic News Network. Yeah, I've seen her before
[ Laughter ] "Honey, you have a great voice
for broadcasting." -"Thank you."
-"Thank you." [ Laughter ] "The followers of Satan
thank you." [ Laughter ] Let's get back
to the board here. This next clip,
a news anchor in Virginia realizes he's made
an unfortunate mistake. Take a look at this. -Check you're the panties.
About 175,000 rice -- I think that was
supposed to be "pantries." [ Laughter ] -I couldn't warn you
before I saw it. [ Laughter ]
-"Check your panties!" [ Laughter ] -Rice.
[ Laughter ] -Let's look
at another clip here. This next one is a BBC anchor, and he's about to start
the news broadcast. But, man, he struggles
to find his spot. Take a look at this. ♪♪♪♪ -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. No. [ Laughter ] -Hello, and welcome. -Yeah!
[ Applause ] Stuck the landing.
-Nailed it. -Stuck the landing.
[ Laughter ] "What?
All right. What?" [ Laughter ] "Hello, and welcome."
It's like... Well, here's our
last pick here. This clip is about a man
who had some trouble with Zoom I'm sure you saw it.
Take a look at this. -A Texas lawyer proves
that technical difficultie can happen
even at the worst of times -Can you hear me, Judge?
-I can hear you. I think it's a filter. -I'm here live.
I'm not a cat. [ Laughter and applause ] -All right, what do you think? Was it the reporter
with audio issues? -Yeah.
-Was it, "Check your pantries" [ Cheers and applause ] Was it confused BBC? [ Light applause ] You don't have to boo him.
[ Laughter ] The guy had a rough day already.
Gosh, now you're booing him. Or cat lawyer? [ Cheers and applause ] I think it's
"Check your pantries." -Yeah!
-"Check your pantries!" We have a winner! ♪♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Some entertainment news.
This summer, Disney is releasing "Black Widow" and "Cruella
on Disney+ $29.99 each, yeah When you drop 30 bucks
to watch a movie at home, Disney+ just starts playin
a clip of Jafar laughing. [ Laughter ] And, finally,
this is pretty strange. Here in New York,
this week, dolphins were spotted swimming in the East River Check this out.
It's real. -Look at that. Wow.
Yeah, amazing. They're the only dolphins
that smoke cigarettes through their blowholes.
-Wow. [ Laughter and applause ]
-Unbelievable. After a few hours
in the East River, they became
the first marine life to check themselves
into Sea World. [ Laughter ] -Oh!
-I got to be honest, it's nice to hear about sea life
unexpectedly showing up in something other than
Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Well, guys, after 64 days
in office, today, President Biden held his
very first press conference. Normally, when a 78-year-old
answers an hour of questions they're getting a physical It was quite the event. If you did a shot every time
Biden said, "Look, folks," you got drunker than a
ship captain in the Suez Canal Yep, Biden talked about
the biggest issues facing his presidency --
the pandemic, the economy, and Dr. Oz hosting "Jeopardy!" The big issues. That's right -- Biden covere
a wide range of topics. He even announced plans fo
a peace deal between Godzilla and Kong. -Oh! -There were a lot of questions
today about immigration after Biden announced that
Vice President Harris will be overseeing
the challenges at the U.S.-Mexico border. It's similar to how Trump
put Pence in charge of handling the pandemic. When the going gets tough,
presidents are like, "You got this, right? Yeah, you handle this, yeah. It's like
a middle-school principal telling the vice principal
"I'll stay here while you chaperone the field trip
to the glass museum." Some more news from Washington During a Congressional
hearing today, the chairman was
having some issues with people forgetting
to mute themselves. -Keep their microphone
muted, please, and not speaking to avoid
inadvertent background noise -Hello! Someone's not muted. -Unmute. -Mute. -Don't come through. -Will you please mute
your microphones? -Oh. [ Drum thuds ]
-You need one of those. You need a hammer
over there, man. [ Drum thuds ]
-Gavel. -He seems like a fun boss.
-Yeah. -I like that
Steve Carell-looking dude in the right-hand corner there there's a mute button
on his wall or something. He's like, "Mute button.
I got to press the mute. Honey, do you have
a mute button? Where's the..." After that, it was pretty quiet,
mainly because they were all busy
talking about him in the chat. "Can you believe how
he smacked the hammer?" "Yeah, Yikes." Eventually, everyone did
mute themselves, but not before they all went
"Ooh, someone's mad!" Well, guys, everyone is
talking about this. The massive cargo ship is stil
blocking the Suez Canal. It's still there, and a
rescue operation is under way. So let's see how they are
trying to resolve this crisis. Yeah, one bulldozer. Even Bob the Builder was like, "Oh, bloody hell, are you... You know the ship
right behind him is just laying on the horn
as if that will help, too. He's like, "Come on, guy! Come on, guy!" Some business news. I saw that Pop-Tarts just
announced three new flavors. There's peach cobbler,
lemon cream pie, and single-dad dinner. -Oh! Pretty good.
-Mmm! I don't even toast them.
I don't even toast them. -Don't even take them
out of the foil. -No, I eat the foil, too.
Wow. Wow. Roughage. Speaking of brand-new things
Dyson has a new vacuum. I'm very excited about this.
-What? -They have a new vacuum
with a green laser to expose dust particles. -Ooh! -Yeah. So if your dog wasn't petrified of vacuums before, he will be now. "Is that a laser?" Yep, somehow, we figured out
laser vacuums but still haven't cracked
Roomba that can handle carpet. Smoke coming out of the carpet [ Drum thuds ] Mute! [ Drum thuds ] -He was mad.
-Some TV news. A "National Treasure"
television series is officially coming to Disney+,
but Nicolas cage won't be in it. -Aww! -When he heard that,
Nicolas Cage was like, It's just like the back of
the dollar bill predicted. Let me -- I can do that
probably better. Just the Nicolas Cage
part, yeah. "Oh, my God. It's just like the back of
the dollar bill predicted. [ Cheers and applause ]
That one better? That one better? "Just like the -- predicted. That's my dude, man.
-That's your dude, man. Yeah, I can't let him down, man.
-Who, what, why?! -Some local news here. Officials just reached
an agreement to legalize marijuana in New York [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪ Finally, you can buy weed
in New York City. Wow.
What's that going to be like But it's big, though. Today, I saw a hot-dog guy tear up his stimulus check He was like, "I won't be needing this anymore." Actually, I haven't sold a hot dog in five years." You'll know when weed is legal when tourists are walking behind New Yorkers like, "Let's go, let's go!" Soon, you'll see a guy in the street like, "Hey, you took my parking spot Enjoy it, friend. "Enjoy it, friend."
-Oh, my God! -Yeah, it's just like
the song says -- if you can bake it here,
you can bake it anywhere. Right? ♪♪ Start lightin' the bongs ♪♪ Do doobie do ♪♪ Doobie do, doobie do ♪♪ Smoking doobie-dos And, finally,
a man in North Carolina who quit his job -- okay? --
was fighting to get his last paycheck
from his former boss. And when it finally arrived, i
wasn't what he expected. Take a look at this. -This is my final paycheck -
$915 in pennies. -It's the amount
Andreas Flaten was owed after leaving his job
at a local auto repair shop. His paycheck in the form o
over 90,000 pennies covered in some kind of
grease or oil. -Wow. I wonder why
he would want to quit working for
a boss like that. The only thing worse than
being that guy is being the guy
behind him at the bank. Well, guys,
people are still talking about President Biden's
first press conference and, by all accounts,
he did well and there were no major issues And, by "no major issues," I mean, his dog Major
didn't eat anyone's face. [ Laughter ] One of the big moments
from the press conference wa when Biden said he expects
to run for reelection in 2024. Kamala Harris was like, "First he puts me in charg of the border crisis. Now, this? Hell of a week."
[ Laughter ] Listen, I'm not picking sides,
or anything, but if it's eight years
of falling up airplane stair and dog attacks, sign me up! [ Laughter and cheering ]
Let's do it! [ Applause ] Meanwhile, Fox News is upset because Biden didn't call
on them for a question. -Oh.
-They're so hurt, this morning,
they did a show called... [ Laughter and applause ] That's right, Fox is mad
that they were left out. It's kind of like your bully
being offended that he's not invited
to your birthday party. [ Laughter ]
It's like, "But I just give you a wedgie this morning." [ Laughter ] But Fox News had a lot of very fair questions ready to go Questions like, "Sir, how long have you been a lizard person?" Stuff like that. -Oh. [ Laughter ] Well --
-[ Laughs ] -Illuminati joke, yeah.
-Wow. Wow. -Yeah. Well, here's some big tech news. Yesterday, Georgia Republicans
built a time machine back to 1875. Check out their new law. -The bill signed last nigh by Republican
Governor Brian Kemp is seen by critics as a collection of voter suppression tactics The new law goes so far as to bar volunteers from passing out water and snacks to voters standing in lines, lines which are much more likely to be longer in Black neighborhoods. [ Booing ] -Yeah, the state of Georgi
just passed a new law that restricts voting, so let'
just say the law is so racist, it already has its own
warning label on Disney+. [ Laughter ] When you heard about the law
Vladimir Putin was like -- [ As Putin ]
I'm so proud.
They learn to rig their own elections [ Laughter and applause ] Teach a man to rig,
he will rig for a lifetime [ Laughter ] A lot of people are pointing out
how Georgia's governor signed the bill into law
while he was surrounded by other white guys. Take a look at this. [ Laughter ] They're basically set up
like bowling pins for Stacey Abrams to knock down. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Drumroll ] [ Cymbals crash ] That looks like
if the Proud Boys had a 50-year reunion,
doesn't it? [ Laughter ] Well, guys, the giant cargo ship is still stuck in the Suez Canal
-Oh. -Wow.
-and, every hour, it's delayin about $400 million worth
of goods. You know, the captain's
friends are still like, "No, honestly,
it's not even that bad. People aren't really
talking about it. [ Laughter ] Just stay off the Internet Just stay off Twitter. In fact, stay off of everythin
but this phone call, yeah. No one's really talking
about it." Meanwhile, every 15 minutes,
the captain's wife is like "I told you to get off
at exit 34." [ Laughter and applause ] You can't fit.
You can't fit in the thing [ Laughter and applause ] First, they tried freeing
the ship with a bulldozer. Can we take a look
at that picture again? [ Laughter ] Now, they're saying
up to 706,000 cubic feet of sand will have to be removed
to free the ship. But don't worry,
this kid's on it, so it's going to be perfect. [ Laughter and applause ]
We got it. Hey, listen to this.
A Spirit Airlines flight from Cleveland to Los Angele
was diverted after a passenger tried to open the emergency
exit door mid-flight. Don't worry, everyone is fine. Thankfully,
Spirit always makes sure their doors are
Flex Sealed shut. [ Laughter ] Listen, things like this
are going to happen when the in-flight movie
is "Mank." -Yeah.
-Ohh. [ Laughter and applause ] -"I'll take 'Scoob!,'
whatever you got." [ Laughter ] Get this --
there was a mystery light show in the Pacific Northwest
last night and it turned out to be caused
by something pretty unexpected.
Check it out. -At around 9:00,
folks from Seattle to Portland reported brilliant
blazing streaks overhead. It turns out they were objects of debris from a SpaceX rocket
launched a few weeks ago. -Phew! It's just careening,
fiery space debris. [ Laughter ] For a second, I was nervous.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] And, finally,
some news from Canada. A police officer pulled someon
over after noticing somethin that didn't look quite right
Watch this. -Police in Ontario
said an officer pulled over a motorcyclist
whose license plate was homemade and also misspelled. [ Laughter ] When they took him to jail
the police were like, "It's a good thing you lik
making license plates." -Aw.
[ Laughter ] -At first, he tried
to bribe the police by handing them a Post-it note
that said "$20" on it. [ Laughter ] Then it got even worse
when he handed the officer his driver's license.
Look. There you go.
