Trump Fires Back at Fauci & Birx and Makes Babbling Wedding Toast at Mar-a-Lago

hi i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thanks for watching we are back to work after uh a full week of vacation i have to be honest i'm glad to be back we went on uh crews you ever been on a cruise car no never we went on a uh on a cruise through the suez canal you ever done that very slow very very it's almost as if we weren't moving at all i have to say after all the fighting and the tooth gnashing over the past few years it was nice to see the whole world come together to make fun of a boat it really was the container ship known as the ever given was wedged in the suez canal for the last six days was finally freed this morning by a fleet of tugboats same way they got trump out of the white house and the suez canal i think we all learned a little bit about it in school it's one of the main arteries for ships carrying goods around the globe it was completely blocked by this ship basically capitalism had a heart attack over this last week the ship that got stuck was loaded with ikea furniture which means thousands of men in their 20s now have an excuse for why they don't own a headboard but the value the total value of the goods that were unable to get through amounted to something like 10 billion dollars a day and they say we may see the effects of the log jam in stores in particular they say we might have a shortage of coffee and toilet paper because the good news is without one you might not need the other but still it's crazy that something like this can bring the world of commerce to a halt i never realized how narrow the suez canal is this is what it looks like from above so much of our stuff has to squeeze through that littles can we loosen that up at a carpool lane or something i mean if this was a urethra they'd have to operate they would have to they're still investigating how it happened the shipping company is blaming a strong gust of wind which you know they finished this canal in 1869 in 150 years this is the first time they had wind we're also learning more about the origin of the corona virus kova 19 according to a new report from the world health organization covet 19 most likely took hold in an animal specifically this cat with a waffle on its head [Applause] former members of donald trump's pandemic team are speaking out dr debra burks you remember her with the scarf she says she believes the death toll could have been much lower if the trump administration had taken the virus more seriously dr burks sat with dr sanjay gupta last night on cnn to belatedly bemoan her work at the white house you were the covet coordinator and no one's no one around you is wearing masks that must have that must have felt like you were being marginalized that people really weren't listening to you that was marginalized every day i mean that is no question on i would say majority of the people in the white house did not take this seriously no well thanks for letting us know now as i recall you sat very quietly while the president suggested we gargle windex to get rid of it but dr burke says she's being censored by the white house as if she couldn't have called like a dozen news networks at any time there was more leaking coming from trump's white house than trump's golf pants that would not have been a problem dr fauci expressed similar thoughts about the pandemic being mishandled in his interview with cnn and so today trump responded with a letter that begins statement by donald j trump 45th president of the united states of america based on their interviews i felt it was time to speak up about dr fauci and dr burks two self-promoters love when the guy who puts his name on everything calls someone a sophomore trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations which fortunately i almost always overturned in a fake interview last night on cnn dr fauci who said he was an athlete in college but couldn't throw a baseball even close to home plate it was a roller tried to take credit for the vaccine i was the one to get it done and even the fake news knows and reports this dr burks is a proven liar again with very little credibility left dr burks was a terrible medical advisor which is why i seldom followed her advice time has proven me correct i only kept dr fauci and dr berks on because they worked for the us government for so long they are like a bad habit and then it ends and then he fell asleep in his mashed potatoes or something i don't know meanwhile president biden today announced that within three weeks 90 of american adults will be eligible to get the vaccine 75 percent of americans including a majority of republicans approve of the way biden has handled the rollout of the vaccine which is driving them absolutely nuts in trump land eric trump popped his dopey little head onto fox news yesterday to ask a question that is on literally no one's mind at what point does joe biden know what point does the administration come out and say you know he did a really good job delivering us a vaccine and now we're going to spend you know the next six months distributing out to everybody else i mean why does that need to be controversial why why can somebody not admit that somebody did a phenomenal job my father did a phenomenal job with the vaccine and literally it probably saved millions and millions of lives in this country yeah i wonder why man i bet it's because your father told us to drink bleach and went golfing 30 times while the virus was spreading just a hunch but eric love seeing my father he says father more times in one interview than i did in seven years as an altar boy i saw how much time and effort my father put into the job you know how many times my father went down to the border there's no one that knows my father as well as i do my father did a phenomenal job i just don't understand it my father my father my father my father they tried to impeach my father oh well somebody please take that kid fishing already it is if they weren't so terrible this would be the saddest family in the world and while eddie eric is uh pleading for credit on cable tv daddy donnie stopped into a wedding at mar-a-lago he rents his house out for weddings okay one of his friends slash club member donors got married at mar-a-lago on saturday and the former president had some beautiful words for the bride and groom turning off the news i get all these flash reports and they're telling me about the border they're telling me about about china how are we doing with iran how do you like that well they weren't ready to make a deal they would have done anything they would have done anything and this guy goes and drops the sanctions and then he says what to negotiate now we're not dealing with the united states they don't want to deal with that you know what i said the same thing at my brother's wedding it was word for word i love this so much watch the band behind him as he goes on and on about how great he was they're like can we just play dancing queen and get the hell out of here look it's a disaster it's a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint and it's going to destroy the country and frankly the country can't afford it because you're talking about massive just incredibly massive amounts our school systems our hospital systems everything so it's a rough thing and i just say do you miss me yet it's a wedding it is a wedding i used to be a dj at weddings when i was in college i've seen some weird toasts never have i seen one like this how do you give a drunken wedding toast when you don't even drink we did get 75 million votes nobody's ever got to that they said get 66 million votes sir and the election's over one got 75 million and they said but you know you saw what happened 10 30 in the evening all of a sudden they said that's a strange thing why are they closing up certain places right yeah a lot of things happening right now i just wanted to say it's an honor to be here it's an honor to have you at mar-a-lago you are a great and beautiful couple for many many years this is what he does now he babbles at weddings he complains whenever someone plays the song ymca he magically appears like beetlejuice and so he ended the speech by instructing the guests to violently storm the buffet table yet another trump ally may have to pay for peddling his nonsensical election claims fox news just got hit with a 1.6 billion lawsuit from dominion voting systems i feel like the only reason dominion hasn't sued trump yet is they know for sure he doesn't have a billion dollars but they're now suing fox rudy giuliani sydney powell and mike lindell the mypillow guy who has a new new theory that may finally prove that his head is full of feathers too all the evidence i have everything is going to go before the supreme court and the election of 2020 is going bye-bye i it was an attack by other country communism coming in i don't know what they're going to do with what after they pull it down but it's but hang on hang on donald trump yeah the crackhead pillow salesman is right by august donald trump will be back in office and mike lindell will be living in a van by the river wait until the pillow guy does a deep dive into this one according to multiple studies human penises specifically the ones on men are getting smaller they are shrinking as a result of pollution so finally something to blame our shortcomings on other than dad you know they say this uh pattern of shrinkage is caused by chemicals in certain plastics do you know the average person eats about a credit card's worth of plastic every week forget the vaccines that's how bill gates gets the chips into us every year we eat a whole deck of discover cards researchers believe that if we don't get our act together in the future all men will be ken and plastic and if that doesn't get republicans in congress to do something about climate change i don't know if anything will at least it might create some new environmental lists so what brings you to greenpeace speaking of wieners congressman devin nunes this you couldn't make up the team nunes last week had to correct multiple mistakes on their financial filings because the mistakes were made by his campaign treasurer who also happens to be his mom doesn't devin nunes look like a guy who would hire his mom to be treasurer the answer is yes he does our new vice president is reportedly a bit po'd kamala harris is said to be frustrated because she and her husband have not been able to move into the vice president's official residence apparently there are renovations going on that still aren't finished it turns out uninstalling the pence's sex dungeon takes a lot longer than they thought it would it's crazy that they're still two months they're two months past the inauguration and they're working on imagine you just became the second in command and the most the most powerful country on earth they make you spend the first three months on a futon in college basketball the elite eight round of the ncaa tournament is underway if they continue to win gonzaga could become the first fictional university to finish a season undefeated as of showtime tonight there were two cinderella candidates still in it ucla and 11th seed and oregon state a 12 seed and as is six seed usc in other words this is a great year for people who filled out their bracket with a magic eight ball tonight is notable not in that not one but two of our guests are here in the flesh things are loosening up a little bit which is exciting but it's also a little bit nerve-wracking i was telling my wife sally uh that i'm molly sorry molly right yeah i was telling uh her that um i was saying i'm ready to go back to normal but i also want to keep the good things from lockdown like i want to get rid of the i want to be able to go out to eat but i also don't want to have a meeting ever again so we've been hold up for so long i feel like maybe some of us have forgotten how to behave in public so we put an instructional video together to help you acclimate please pay close attention because this is one of the most important things we've ever done society remember that kooky place now that a vaccine is on the way you'll be back to the real world lickety-split but in case you're rusty here are a few tips to ensure a successful return to regular life let's begin these are pants they go on your legs which are those two log looking things below your penis pants are important and you're expected to wear them in public almost got it looking good now out the door you go oh looks like someone's developed a crippling fear of the outside world well bottle up those emotions you little it's time for work [Music] isn't it great to be back in the office with your creaky chair and obsolete computer hold on what happened to your pants oops you're fired oh well but at least now you have some free time on your hands [Music] hooray for movie theaters [Applause] now you're not supposed to use your phone during the film but nobody cared about that before yes i'd love to take a survey so why start now you shut up i'll kill you [Applause] isn't it great being around your fellow man once again ah humanity it sure is the worst well that's it for now join us tomorrow when we reintroduce you to high fives no all right there you go there you go thanks for watching if you liked that video click the subscribe button and if you didn't like it you will you hurt my feelings

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,727,967

Rating: 4.7499185 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Suez Canal, Ever Given, Shipping, WHO, World Health Organization, Donald Trump, Deborah Brix, Sanjay Gupta, CNN, Dr. Brix, Eric Trump, Mar-A-Lago, Wedding, Fox News, Lawsuit, Dominion Voting, Mike Lindell, Plastic, Penis, Devin Nunes, Vice President, Kamala Harris, March Madness, NCAA, Dr Fauci

Id: vXwRlcxs9M0

Length: 14min 30sec (870 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 29 2021