WE'RE IN A JOYFUL -- A SPRING IN
PEOPLE'S STEPS, THAT'S WHAT I FEEL. DON'T YOU? [ APPLAUSE ]
THINGS ARE OPENING UP HERE IN LOS ANGELES,
RESTAURANTS, MOVIE THEATERS. REG, ANY PLANS TO GO SEE A
MOVIE? >> Reggie: A THEATER? YEAH, I'D LEAVE TO GO TO A
THEE-A-TER. I'M ALSO EXCITED BECAUSE I GOT
VACCINATED TODAY. >> James: SE S SENSATIONAL. >> Reggie: YOU KNOW, IT ALTERS
YOUR GENETICS. >> James: THIS HAS TAKEN A
TURN. ARE YOU EXCITED TO GO TO A MOVIE
THEATER. WHAT IS THERE TO SEE? I'D LOVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN TO
SEE IF IT'S ME OR THE FILM. IS IT ME OR THE FILM? IT'S A HIGH CHANCE IT'S ME. IF IT'S ME, I DON'T GET IT, I
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. IS IT ME OR THE FILM? >> Reggie: IT'S BOTH. >> James: ME AND THE FILM. YOU HAVE TO FLOW WITH IT. >> James: I'M GOING TO FLOW
INTO IT. >> YEAH. >> Reggie: PLUS WE GET TO SEE
AN AMAZINGLY DISHEVELED PATTINSON. >> James: IS ROBERT PATTINSON
THE LEAST MOVIE STAR NAME OF ALL TIME? >> Reggie: ROBERT PATTINSON. >> James: LIKE ROBERT
PATTINSON SOUNDS LIKE AN ACCOUNTANT, SOUNDS LIKE A
TEACHER -- PATTINSON CONCENTRATE! AND IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE, AND
THE AWARD GOES TO ROBERT PATTINSON. >> Reggie: IT HAS AN EXTRA
SYLLABLE, PATTINSON. THAT'S WHAT TAKES IT DOWN. >> AND HEWAS IN A MOVIE WITH
KRISTEN STEWART WHICH IS ANOTHER LEAST MOVIE STAR NAME. >> James: KRISTEN WITH A K. IF IT WAS CHRISTINE STEWART, NO. CHRISTINE STEWART, SHE OWNS A
SORT OF SMALL BOUTIQUE, CANDLES AND THAT SORT OF STUFF. >> Reggie: ETSY. >> James: GREAT FOR MOTHER'S
DAY GIFT. CHRISTINE, BUT KRISTEN, I GET
IT. >> HER DAUGHTER SOLD PILLOWS
WITH A SLOGAN ON IT. >> James: WHO ELSE HAS A
NON-MOVIE STAR NAME. >> Reggie: HARRISON FORD. >> James: NO! THAT'S GREAT. ANYONE CALLED HARRISON. YOU NEVER MEET, LIKE, A PARK
RANGER AND HE'S LIKE, OH, HARRISON. IT'S HARRISON. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? >> Reggie: YEAH, YOU TRUST
HIM. ARE THERE ANY MIKES? >> STEVE GUTENBERG? >> James: NOW WE'RE REALLY
ASKING WHAT'S A MOVIE STAR. NOW WE'VE REALLY OPENED THIS OUT
INTO -- I THINK LET'S MAKE NOT THE PARAMETER OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE
BEEN IN FILMS. ( LAUGHTER )
MOVIE STARS. >> (INDISCERNIBLE). >> James: I GOV GUTENBERG. DUTY, THREE MEN AND A BABY,
THREE MEN IN A LITTLE LADY, ONE OVER THE ONLY SEQUELS IN HISTORY
TO BE BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL. >> Reggie: WOW. HE WAS A BIG MOVIE STAR. >> James: SURE. LET'S TAKE IT RIGHT BACK. LET'S GO RIGHT BACK AND GO
THROUGH THEM ALL. CHARLEY CHAPLIN, YES OR NO? ( LAUGHTER )
>> BUSTER KEATON. >> James: LUCILLE BALL. I'M TALKING PRESENT NOW, WHO
IS -- WHO'S GOT A NON-MOVIE STAR NAME? WHOSE SUCCESS HAS OUTGROWN THEIR
NAME? >> Reggie: OH, I SEE. THAT'S SO TOUGH. >> James: THAT'S WHAT I'M
SAYING. I THINK IT'S ONLY PATTINSON. >> Reggie: WHAT ABOUT JAMIE
FOXX? THAT'S A GREAT FLAME! HE'S GOT A DOUBLE X. YOU CAN'T HAVE A DOUBLE X AND BE
A REGULAR GUY. DOUBLE X, MAN! >> Reggie: I GOT IT. DWAYNE JOHNSON. >> James: DWAYNE JOHNSON COULD
BE AN N.B.A. PLAYER. >> Reggie: FOR SURE. >> James: COULD BE A BASEBALL
PLAYER, A TENNIS STAR. THERE ARE SOME SPORTS MOVIE
CROSSOVERS. >> CHRIS PRATT. >> James: CHRIS PRATT! YES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHRIS PRATT SHOULD NOT BE A MOVIE STAR, AND, YET, YOU JUST
WANT TO HOLD HIM. I'M ALWAYS ANNOYED CHRIS PRATT
AND ME AREN'T BETTER FRIENDS. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD BE. IF I BUMP INTO HIM IN A COFFEE
SHOP, BIG MOMENT FOR ME. I CAN'T GET OVER THE LINE. I CAN'T PENETRATE THE PRATT. >> MAYBE AFTER HE WATCHES THIS,
HE'LL WANT TO. >> James: YOU THINK AFTER HE
WATCHES THIS, HE'LL REACH OUT. >> YES. >> James: NO ONE WATCHING THIS
IS INTERESTED IN REACHING OUT. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL WE'RE DOING IS MAKING PEOPLE AT HOME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR
LIVES. THAT'S ALL WE'RE DOING. THAT'S OUR JOB AND I'M HAPPY
WITH IT, BUT ANYONE WATCHING THIS, NO ONE WATCHING THIS IS
GOING, OH, I'D LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH THAT FUN GANG AGAIN! ( LAUGHTER )
HOW CAN I GET BETTER FRIENDS WITH CHRIS PRATT? >> YOU SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH
CHRIS PRATT, HIKING WITH HIM, DONE --
>> James: BUT I CAN'T GET IT OVER THE LINE. >> WHAT'S UP WITH OVER THE LINE. >> James: LIKE TEXTING. TEXTING. I CAN'T PENETRATE. I SEE HIM, IT'S GREAT, WE GET ON
GREAT, WE HAVE A GREAT TIME, HE LIVES NEAR HE, WE'VE GOT KIDS
THE SAME AGE, WE HAVE BEEN ON HIKES, WE'VE DONE STUFF --
>> I THINK I HAVE A SOLUTION. >> James: GO ON. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY, YOU
KNOW, GO TO BIBLE STUDY OR CHURCH WITH HIM. >> James: THAT'S MY LANE, MAN,
I GREW UP. MY DAD'S A CHRISTIAN BOOK
SALESMAN. >> YEAH, I FEEL YOU. >> James: DOES ANYONE ELSE
WANT TO OPEN A DRINK WHILE WE'RE SHOOTING OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO
DO IT LIKE THAT? ( LAUGHTER )
DOES ANYBODY ELSE BECAUSE THE VOLUME OF PEOPLE GO SHOULD I DO
THIS NOW OR WAIT TILL WE START SHOOTING? ( LAUGHTER )
IF I WANTED TO OPEN THAT -- >> IF I WANTED TO OPEN THAT
DRINK UNTIL THE END OF THE MONOLOGUE, I WOULD DIE. >> James: YOU WOULD, BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ONLY KNOW, YOU ONLY SEE THE CUT DOWN. THIS IS EDIT. LAST THURSDAY, THIS WAS SEVEN
HOURS LONG! ( LAUGHTER )
SEVEN HOURS! SEVEN HOURS! THAT'S WHY JOEL BOUNCED. HE WAS, I'M NOT DOING THIS
ANYMORE. GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, JOEL. >> GOOD TO BE HERE. >> James: CONGRATS ON THIS
OUTFIT. SENSATIONAL. [ APPLAUSE ]
I LOVE YOU IN A RUST. >> WELL, I AM GETTING RUSTY, SO
I THOUGHT I WOULD WEAR IT ON THE OUTSIDE AS WELL AS THE INSIDE. >> James: THAT'S THE LEVEL. THAT'S THE LEVEL. THAT'S IT. >> Reggie: AND IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY. >> James: WHAT? WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS IT? >> Reggie: JOEL'S SNOWSHUT THE
FRONT DOOR, NO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪♪ >> James: WOW! JOEL, WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE,
45? ( LAUGHTER )
>> WET, LET ME REMEMBER -- >> James: WE'VE ALSO GOT A NEW -
OUT IN THE STUDIO, MICKEY IS IN THE BACK OF THE STUDIO JUST
THERE. MICKEY IS HERE BECAUSE
GUILLERMO'S WIFE IS DUE TO GIVE BIRTH AT ANY MOMENT. IT COULD HAPPEN AT ANYPOINT,
RIGHT, GUILLERMO? >> THAT IS VERY CORRECT. >> James: AND MICKEY, YOU'RE
READY TO JUST JUMP ON THE DRUMS. >> YES, I AM. I DIDN'T SEE THE MIC HERE. >> James: WHO CHOSE YOU AS A
DRUMMER? >> GUILLERMO. GUILLERMO JUST GAVE ME A CALL,
SAID, YOU KNOW, ARE YOU BUSY? SO I KIND OF JUST SAID YES TO
THE GIG WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING WHAT IT WAS, AND THE MORE PEOPLE
HIT ME UP FOR IT, AND I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS CBS, MAN. I'M GOING TO BE ON CBS, PROBABLY
DO SOME RESEARCH AND FIGURE IT OUT. SO HERE I AM, THE BAND'S REALLY
COOL, THE CREW'S REALLY COOL, EVERYBODY'S BEEN REALLY NICE. >> James: EVERYBODY IS REALLY
COOL. CAN I BE HONEST? I ALREADY PREFER MICKEY. ( LAUGHTER )
[ APPLAUSE ] >> SORRY ABOUT THAT, GUILLERMO. >> James: BECAUSE MICKEY HAS
ALREADY SHOWN HE FITS THE CRITERIA OF ALL THE BAND WHICH
IS DOESN'T REALLY KNOW THIS IS IS A SHOW, HASN'T WATCHED IT,
DOESN'T KNOW THIS IS REALLY ON. MICKEY, YOU ARE GOING TO SLIDE
RIGHT IN, MY FRIEND. WELL, WELCOME. I DO HOPE OPINION HAPPENS DURING
A SHOW, DON'T YOU? >> Reggie: REALLY DO,
ACTUALLY. >> James: LOVE IT SO MUCH. THEN WE'LL ALL GO. PETE, YOU WILL TAKE THAT OFF,
WE'LL FOLLOW GUILLERMO TO THE HOSPITAL. WE'LL DO PART FIVE WHILE SHE'S
IN LABOR. >> THIS ISN'T A REALITY SHOW. >> James: COULD BE FUN,
THOUGH. >> Reggie: WE'LL HAVE A
FLATBED HOOKED UP WITH YOUR DESK SO WE CAN TRANSFER WITH THE
FLATBED, CRUISE DOWN THE STREET. >> James: GO TO THE HOSPITAL,
DO ALL THE REPORTING, GUYS, IT'S HAPPENING NOW, WE'RE ALL IN
SCRUBS, NOT ALLOWED IN. >> ALL YOUR WONDERFUL MORSELS OF
ADVICE SPEWING -- >> James: ME AND YOU CUT THE
CORD TOGETHER. >> YES. OH, MY GOD. THIS IS SUCH POOR IMAGERY. IT'S SUCH POOR IMAGERY. >> James: I'M INTO THIS. >> Reggie: I LIKE IT. >> James: CAN WE DO IT, ROB? CAN WE FOLLOW GUILLERMO LIVE TO
THE HOSPITAL? >> ALL THE WAY TO YOU CUTTING
THE CORD WITH GUILLERMO. TWO HANS ON A PAIR OF SCISSORS. >> James: REGGIE, TAKE IT
HOME. ( LAUGHTER )
>> OH, MY GOD... >> James: WELL, LOOK, FUN AS
THIS IS, WE CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS BECAUSE IT'S A FACT THAT
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ARE UNAWARE OF ANY NEWS THAT'S
HAPPENED TODAY. >> Reggie: SO TRUE. >> James: THEY'VE SAT THERE,
THEY DON'T KNOW, THEY'RE IN THE DARK, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
HAPPENING, AND LET'S GIVE THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR, LET'S GIVE THEM
SOME HEADLINES BECAUSE -- THANKS, GUYS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS, GUYS. WE'VE GOT SOME INTERNATIONAL
NEWS TO START OFF WITH. EARLIER TODAY, NORTH KOREA MADE
THEIR FIRST COMMENTS DIRECTED AT THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION. THEY WARNED BIDEN AGAINST,
QUOTE, "CAUSING A STINK." YOU DON'T NEED TO ASK THE
"NO MALARKEY" GUY TO NOT "CAUSE A STINK." HE'S GOT IT COVERED. THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK TO
ANOTHER COUNTRY, IS IT? THAT'S HOW YOU TALK TO A SPOUSE
RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO A DINNER PARTY, YOU'RE, LIKE, PLEASE
AVOID TALKING TO HANK ABOUT POLITICS, I DON'T WANT YOU
CAUSING A STINK. ( LAUGHTER )
IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, PRESIDENT BIDEN IS PLANNING THE
FIRST MAJOR FEDERAL TAX HIKE IN ALMOST 30 YEARS. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? THAT'S THE SOUND OF HOLLYWOOD
LIBERALS EVERYWHERE QUIETLY WHISPERING ( BLEEP ) UNDER THE
BREATH. BIDEN'S PLAN WILL REPORTEDLY
INCREASE THE TAX RATE ON PEOPLE MAKING MORE THAN $400,000 A
YEAR. SO IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE PEOPLE
WHO'S UPSET ABOUT THIS, CONGRATULATIONS! SO IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE PEOPLE
WHO'S UPSET ABOUT THIS, CONGRATULATIONS! IT WOULD BE THE FIRST BIG
FEDERAL TAX HIKE SINCE 1993. EVERYONE KNEW THIS WAS THE NEXT
'90S TREND TO MAKE A COMEBACK. IT GOES MOM JEANS, MIDDLE PARTS,
RAISING THE CORPORATE TAX RATE. BUT THIS IS HUGE. IT'S THE BIGGEST THING TO HAPPEN
TO TAXES SINCE KATHERINE MCPHEE AND I PERFORMED TAX DAY CAROLS.-
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S LOVELY WEATHER TO DO TAXES TOGETHER WITH YOU ♪
♪ WE'LL BOTH BE BRIGHTLY SMILING 'CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH FILING TO
DO ♪ ♪ I NEED CASH TODAY ♪
♪ I'VE GOT BILLS TO PAY ♪ ♪ THEY'LL WITHHOLD YOUR TAX ♪
♪ THEY'LL WITHHOLD YOUR TAX ♪ [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Reggie: THAT'S AMAZING. >> James: THE STUFF WE'VE
DONE! THE ABSOLUTE PILES OF ( BLEEP
WE'VE PUT OUT! >> Reggie: IT WAS ONLY GOING
TO BE TEN SECONDS AND THEN LAUREN WAS, LIKE, NO, WE SHOULD
GET THE DANCING IN THERE, TOO. >> James: THANKS, LAUREN. I APPRECIATE IT. THAT'S REALLY KIND OF YOU. >> YOU GOT IT. >> James: THAT WAS BEN'S IDEA
TO PLAY A CLIP? >> AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: HEY, EVERYBODY LAUGHED AND DIED A LITTLE INSIDE
AT THE SAME TIME. THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE LAST
HOLIDAY WE WERE ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE TOGETHER BEFORE THE
PANDEMIC. HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT, ROB? GOT TO BE SIX YEARS. >> THAT WAS OUR 13th SHOW. >> James: THAT WAS OUR 13
13th SHOW. OKAY, WE'VE GOT A PASS FOR THAT. AND LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME. AND THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS FOR
THE PRESIDENT. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 65% OF
AMERICANS APPROVE OF BIDEN'S HANDLING OF THE CORONAVIRUS. 65% APPROVAL. THOSE ARE STANLEY TUCCI NUMBERS. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
TWO-THIRDS O THE COUNTRY HAS AGREED ON ANYTHING SINCE THEY
TRIED TO GET SONIC THE HEDGE HOG HUMAN TEETH. DR. FAUCI SAID HAVING SMALL
GATHERINGS BY JULY 4 IS ENTIRELY CONCEIVABLE. SMALL GATHERINGS, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN? HOW MUCH IS A SMALL GATHERING? >> SEVEN. >> James: SEVEN? YES. >> Reggie: NICE. DO YOU THINK SEVEN. I THINK TEN OR LESS IS FAIR. >> James: OKAY, GUILLERMO, WE
KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED. >> James: WHAT'S A SMALL
GATHERING? FIVE OPEN-MINDED, BROAD-MINDED
COUPLES? I DON'T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
IS THAT HOW YOU KNOW MICKEY. >> NO. >> James: MICKEY, HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN INVITED TO GUILLERMO'S PARTIES? >> NO. >> James: GOOD FOR YOU. IT GETS DARK QUIFNLGT ACCORDING
TO A FILING MADE WITH THE SECURITIES AND EXCHANGE
COMMISSION YESTERDAY ELON MUSK'S OFFICIAL JOB TITLE IS NOW TECH
NO KING OF TESLA. THAT ALONE SHOULD GET ELON MUSK
TAXED MORE. THE FILING ALSO SAID TESLA'S
CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER HAS TAKEN ON THE TITLE OF M MASTER O
COIN. >> MASTER OF THE COIN, DOLLING
OUT THE DOUGH, JUST A STUPID WAY OF SAYING C.F.O. >> James: MASTER OF COIN. AND EVERYBODY SEE THIS, A SCHOOL
PRINCIPAL IN FLORIDA AND HER DAUGHTER WERE JUST
ARRESTED FOR HACKING INTO STUDENT ACCOUNTS TO FRAUDULENTLY
VOTE FOR THE GIRL AS HOMECOMING QUEEN. AAAAAAAND IT'S A NETFLIX MOVIE. STARRING AMY POEHLER AND ONE OF
THE KIDS FROM "STRANGER THINGS." ( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, HERE'S THE THING -- IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT AND DO
SOMETHING ILLEGAL... AT LEAST TRY TO GET YOUR KID INTO U.S.C. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS FEELS A LITTLE EXTREME, DOESN'T IT? EVERYONE KNOWS TO WIN HOMECOMING
QUEEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FINALLY TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES
AND GET YOUR HAIR OUT OF THAT GEEKY BUN, AND, VOILA! ( LAUGHTER )
IAN, YOU'RE AN AMERICAN, WHAT EVEN IS HOME COMING? >> IT'S A SPRINGTIME, NO, A FALL
SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO FOOTBALL? >> Reggie: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THE HOME COMING GAME HAPPENS
IN THE FALL IN, LIKE, LATE OCTOBER, AND THERE'S A DANCE
AFTERWARDS WHERE YOU GET TO ASK SOMEBODY OUT AND YOU GET REALLY
DRESSED UP AND YOU GO TO THE DANCE AT YOUR SCHOOL. >> James: GUILLERMO, WHAT DO
THEY DO? >> THEY SIT IN THE BACK OF A
CONVERTIBLE SOMEONE'S DAD DRIVES AND DRIVE IT AROUND THE FOOTBALL
FIELD. >> Reggie: OH, YEAH, THEY DO
THAT, TOO. >> EVERYONE'S CHEERING, ANY DAD
WITH A CONVERTIBLE VOLUNTEERS, KIDS CHEER, THEY SIT IN THE BACK
WITH THEIR SASHES, THEN YOU VOTE ON ONE OR HOME COMING KING AND
QUEEN. >> SOMETIMES THEY CAMPAIGN FOR
IT. THERE'S, LIKE, ELECTIONS, RIGHT? >> Reggie: YEAH. >> James: I'M SORRY, I'M
THINKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT HOW LONG I EDUCATE MY CHILDREN HERE
FOR. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS FOR ANYONE USING DATING APPS. TINDER WILL NOW START ALLOWING
USERS TO RUN BACKGROUND CHECKS ON THEIR MATCHES, TO DETERMINE
IF THEY HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD. OR YOU COULD JUST DO IT THE OLD
FASHIONED WAY, CHECK TO SEE IF HE HAS ANY PICTURES WHERE HE'S
HOLDING A SNAKE. ( LAUGHTER )
A DATING APP THAT WILL TELL YOU WHETHER OR NOT A PERSON HAS A
CRIMINAL BACKGROUND, AND IF HE DOES, LAUREN GREENBERG WILL
IMMEDIATELY GO OUT WITH HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
[ APPLAUSE ] HOW MANY CRIMINALS HAVE YOU
DATED. >> THIS YEAR? >> James: THIS YEAR. UST ONE. >> James: JUST ONE THIS YEAR. YES. >> James: BUT IN THE LAST SIX
YEARS, HOW MANY CRIMINALS. >> REALLY JUST THE ONE. >> James: REALLY JUST THE ONE. VERY LONG RAP SHEET. . I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM FOR QUITE A
WHILE. >> James: TELL NO MORE. FINALLY, AN ENERGY COMPANY IN
NORWAY HAS COMPLETED A DESIGN FOR A WINDLESS TURBINE THAT
WIGGLES BACK AND FORTH TO GENERATE ELECTRICITY. BUT HERE'S THE THING, IT'S
CALLED A "SKYBRATOR," AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,
TAKE A LOOK... ( LAUGHTER )
GREAT INVENTION. I WONDER HOW LONG THEY'VE BEEN
SITTING ON IT. ( LAUGHTER )
A "SKYBRATOR." HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD THEY CAME
UP WITH THAT NAME BEFORE ELON MUSK COULD. BUT THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY. THEY SAY THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY
COULD ONE DAY COMPLETELY REPLACE TRADITIONAL WINDMILLS... AND EVENTUALLY, YOUR HUSBAND.
