♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF THE
NEW PODCAST, HERE IT IS, "FANTASTIC! WITH DANA CARVEY,"
MR. DANA CARVEY. ONE OF THE THINGS YOU TAUGHT ME,
I FREQUENTLY IMPART WISDOM FROM DANA CARVEY THAT YOU GAVE ME TO
YOUNG WRITERS AND COMEDIANS, AND ONE OF THEM IS YOU HAD THIS RULE
WHICH IS FUNNY WITH A SOUND OFF. >> IF POSSIBLE. >> Stephen: EXPLAIN TO THE
PEOPLE WHAT FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF MEANS. >> FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF GIVES
THE AUDIENCE PERMISSION TO LAUGH IN AN UNBRIDLED WAY, AND WHEN
YOU DO -- YOU KNOW, LITERAL PUNCH LICENSE, THEY HAVE TO WAIT
FOR THE PUNCHLINE AND THEY LAUGH. CASE IN POINT, I THOUGHT ABOUT
THIS, WHEN WE DID THE FIRST JOHN BOLTON ON YOUR SHOW --
>> Stephen: YES. -- THERE IS A LOT OF WHAT WE
CALL "I LOVE LUCY," THAT WAS THE KIND OF ORIGINAL SHE'S PUTTING
THE CHOCOLATES IN THE THING, SO WE DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR
ANYTHING. WE CAME BACK, BOLTON'S MUSTACHE
WAS BIGGER AND YOU AND I WOULD JUST NOT REACT TO IT. >> Stephen: RIGHT. O THAT WAS FUNNY WITH THE
SOUNDOFF. FIRM, THERE WAS QUITE A LOT OF
LAUGHTER THAT NIGHT. >> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE DOING
THE PODCAST NOW AND THE THE SOUND, THE ONLY THING YOU GET --
NO SOUND, NO FUNNY, HOW DOES THAT AFFECT THE WAY YOU APPROACH
>> WELL, THEN YOU GO BACK IN TIME. THEN IT'S LONG-TERM RHYTHMS AND
LONG-TERM SORT OF RIFFING ON THE HIGH SCHOOL WATER POLO COACH
WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE STONED IN THE VOLKSWAGEN BUG AND YOU'RE IN
THE BACK SEAT. SO NO ONE CAN SEE YOU BUT YOU'RE
JUST GOING ON AND ON. AND IN THE PODCAST WORLD, A LOT
OF PEOPLE'S EARPLUGS, YOU'RE JUST GOING RIGHT INTO THEIR
BRAIN RHYTHMICALLY. THAT BEING SAID, WE'RE TAKING A
BREAK AND GOING TO PUT A LOOSE VIDEO CAMERA ON THE SHOW. SO THANKS FOR BRINGING IT. FANTASTIC. ( LAUGHTER )
THE INTERVIEW IS GOING ALTERNATIVE FACT SO FAR AND
THAT'S A SINCERE FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: I THOUGHT SO, TOO. I DIDN'T MEAN TO UNDERMINE YOU. >> WHAT? >> Stephen: YOU'RE SO FULL OF
WISDOM IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE ALWAYS IMPARTING WISDOM. I ALSO HAVE IMPARTED THIS TO
PEOPLE -- YOUR THEORY AS TO WHY HAVING CHILDREN AGES YOU
RAPIDLY. DO YOU REMEMBER EXPLAINING THIS
TO ME? AFTER THE CARVEY SHOW WAS OVER
AND I CAME OUT AND WORKED WITH YOU ON A MOVIE FOR A COUPLE OF
MONTHS, YOU WERE LIVING IN A HOUSE ON POINT DOOM THAT HAD
BEEN OWNED BY LIKE AN INTERNATIONAL ARMS DEALER. >> YES. >> Stephen: IT WAS ALL JUST
LIKE GLASS AND GOLDEN SWANS WHOSE WINGS WERE HOLDING UP
TABLES AND -- >> SCAR FACE WOULD LIVE THERE,
YEAH. SCAR FACE WOULD HAVE LIVED IN
THIS RENTAL, YES. >> Stephen: AND IN IT ALL
THESE GLASS TABLES HAD THESE SHARP EDGES, AND YOU SAID YOUR
THEORY WAS -- BECAUSE YOU SEE DEXTER TOM COMING DOWN THE
HALLWAY AND THEY BEGIN TO STUMBLE, AND YOU PICTURE THEM
GOING INTO THE TABLE AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND YOUR ADRENAL
SQUIRT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RUN WITH YOUR SONS TO THE NEAREST
HOSPITALS TO SAVE THEIR LIVES, THEY RECOVER, DON'T HIT THE
TABLE, AND THE THE ADENLEN IS STILL IN YOUR BODY. >> NOW I REMEMBER TELLING YOU
THAT AND YOU GOT VERY QUIET AND YOU SAID, I'M JUST GOING TO MY
ROOM FOR A LITTLE BIT. SO IT MUST HAVE AFFECTED YOU IN
A VERY PROFOUND WAY. >> Stephen: TRUE, I'VE THOUGHT
OF IT EVER SINCE. >> THE OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION IS
NOT GOOD. >> Stephen: T THE ADRENALINE
NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ELSE SO IT DEVOURS YOUR KIDNEY. >> CORRECT. YOU REMEMBER HOW FASCINATED YOU
MADE MY KIDS FEEL WHEN YOU WENT INTO IS IT POOL. >> Stephen: NO, I DON'T
REMEMBER. >> SO WE HAD THE SWIMMING POOL. STEVE AND YOU, AT LEAST ON ONE
OCCASION, WOULD GO TO THE BOTTOM TO HAVE THE POOL, SIT INDIAN
STYLE AND HOLD ON TO THE DRAIN AND YOU WOULD STAY DOWN THERE. AND MY SONS ARE, LIKE, FOUR AND
SIX, THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AND GO, WHEN'S HE GOING TO COME UP,
DAD. HE'S SURE BEEN DOWN THERE A LONG
TIME, DAD. I GO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE'S
COMING UP. HE'S GOT A GILL OR SOMETHING. YOU WOULD SIT THERE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT. >> Stephen:
>> Stephen: I VAGUELY REMEMBER BEING SO ANXIOUS ABOUT MY LEVEL
OF EMPLOYMENT WITH A WIFE AND A CHILD THAT I WAS PROBABLY DOWN
THERE TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD, THAT THE WATER WOULD BURY ME. >> ANYWAY, I WANT TO THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING ON. >> Stephen: I'M THRILLED TO BE
ON "FANTASTIC! WITH DANA CARVEY." >> YOU WILL BE TORTURED AT SOME
POINT. I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ON AND DIG
DEEP. NOW, WHAT'S NEXT? >> Stephen: ARE YOU
INOCULATED? >> YEAH, I GOT JABBED TWICE. I TOOK IT TWICE. >> Stephen: AND TWO WEEKS
SINCE YOUR LAST JAB. >> PRETTY MUCH, I'M GOING TO SAY
YES. >> Stephen: YOU'RE IMMORTAL
THEN, NOTHING COULD KILL YOU AT THIS POINT. >> I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY BLAME MY
FRIEND DR. FAUCI, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S VARIANCES, YOU KNOW. LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT THIS JOB,
YOU KNOW, IT WAS A CIRCUMSTANCES, I AGREE. IT WAS TRUMP AND ME. GUESS WHO'S STILL STANDING? ME. OKAY. AT FIRST I SAID DON'T HAVE A
MASK. NOW I'M SAYING HAVE A MASK. I GO FREE. DON'T PUSH ME. I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I
HOPE IT'S OKAY IF IT GOES ON A FEW MORE MONTHS, I GET A GOOD
TABLE, PEOPLE LOVE ME, I GET FAN MAIL, I GO ON CNN EVERY NIGHT, I
FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, I'M GETTING FRICTIONY WITH MY
WIFE. IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT. SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH ANTHONY
FAUCI, NOW SHE'S BANGING A STAR! NOT MY MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION. >> Stephen: I WAS SURPRISED TO
LEARN NOW DR. FAUCI IS ONE TO HAVE THE MEN WHO MURDERED LUCA L
KABRATSI. >> I SAID, PICK A PATH AND DO
THE IMPRESSION. >> Stephen: YOU SAID, YOUR
IMPRESSION DOES NOT HAVE TO SOUND LIKE THE PERSON. >> JUST THE FEELING. HERE'S MY OR GIN ON MY FAUCI. I READ ABOUT HIM IN THE
BASKETBALL TEAM. HE'S 5'4:00". THEY SAID HE'S A ROUGH AND
TUMBLE GUARD, ALWAYS FIGHTING. I LOOK AT HIM, HE'S HEAD OF
EPIDEMIOLOGY, SHARP ELBOWS. I THOUGHT, UNDERNEATH THAT NICE
GUY SANETIST HE'S KIND OF A TOUGH GUY, DON'T PLEEP WITH ME. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
STEPHEN, GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
BIDEN? HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR BIDEN
YET? >> I HAVE SOME HOOKS. >> Stephen: HE'S TOUGH. WHAT'S YOUR HOOK? WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST. >> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY
HAVE A HOOK. I'VE GOT THIS 1/2 SMILE. THAT'S IT, JACK. COME ON. EVERYBODY GET IN THE STOOD
BAKER, ME AND JILL ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE MALT SHOP. COME ON, EVERYBODY ON THE TRAIN! >> YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. HIS VISUAL REMINDED ME -- BY THE
WAY, THAT'S A FUNNY TAKE ON HIM, BECAUSE THAT'S PART OF HIM. I DO HIM AT THE TOWN HALL WHEN
HE'S LIKE THE GENTLE FATHER TO THE COUNTRY, AND HE LOOKS LIKE
THE ALIEN WHO CAME OFF THE SPACESHIP IN CLOSE ENCOUNTERS --
>> Stephen: YES. FOLKS, COME ON, FOLKS, LET'S
GET REAL, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE. YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THE
THING. WE DID BARACK, WE DID THE DEAL,
YOU KNOW, AND, UH -- MY DAD, YOU KNOW, MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN
SCRANTON, NO JOKE. NO JOKE, I'M NOT BEING A WISE
GUY HERE. HE SAID, POPS, WHY DID YOU LOSE. HE SAID, JOEY, I DID. MOM SAID THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. HERE'S THE DEAL. NUMBER ONE THE THING THAT THEY
SAID. NUMBER TWO, THE TWO PART. FOLKS, THREE. COME ON, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND. NO ROCKET SCIENCE. HERE'S THE DEAL, COME ON, NOW. HE TOLD -- HE KNEW, HE KNEW IT
FLOATED. HE TOLD BOB WOODWARD, JOANNE
WOODWARD. HE TOLD BOB REDFORD -- EXCUSE
ME. YOU KNOW, BUT, FOLKS, I CARE. I CARE A LOT. PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING, AND I DO. AND MY MOTHER SAID, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE IS. THAT'S HOW IT GOES, THOSE
PLACES. YOU KNOW, WE CAN DO THESE SHOTS. WE CAN IN FACT DO BETTER THAN WE
DID BEFORE. SO I DO THE SINCERE GUY. >> Stephen: I LOVE IT. THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. >> GREAT. BUT THERE'S A LOT THERE, YOU
KNOW, IF YOU JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE'S 78, HE
GETS A LITTLE CONFUSED SOMETIMES. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ATTACKING
HIM PERSONALLY. BUT YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT, YOU KNOW, HE'S -- WE'RE GOING TO TRY, WE'RE DOING
THINGS, YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW, COME ON. HERE'S THE DEAL, LET ME -- LET
ME JUST -- I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND, NO JOKE, FOLKS. MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN SCRANTON. I LOST MY DOG. I'M NOT KIDDING, I'M NOT BEING A
WISE GUY. AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE LIST. NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART, NUMBER
TWO, WHAT THEY SAID. NUMBER THREE, YOU GET THE DRILL. IT'S NOT PONY SOLDIER. THAT'S NOT GOOD. THAT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE SAID. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GATHERING
FROM IT VISUALLY. BUT, YEAH, IT'S A CHARACTER NOW. IT WAS BIDEN. IT WAS MORE OVER THE TOP THAN MY
IMPRESSION, GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF! HE SAYS IT DIFFERENT EVERY TIME. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE
ANOTHER BREAK BUT DON'T GO AWAY. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE DANA
CARVEY. ♪♪♪
