-Hello and welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Band plays funk ] There's so much to talk about. Let's get right to it. Earlier this morning, the nominations were announced for the 93rd Academy Awards. This year's Oscars air
on April 25th, two months later than usual, because, if anything's good
for ratings, it's a four-hour awards show about online movies
that came out a year ago. [ Laughter ] But here's some good news. This year's Oscar nominees are the most diverse ever. [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah. Meanwhile, Golden Globes
voters were like, "A lot of our best friends
are diverse." [ Laughter ] This year's nominees are
the most diverse, as opposed to the usual
Oscar nominees, which look like the crowd
at a Steely Dan concert inside a Pinkberry. [ Laughter ] For the first time ever, two women were nominated
for Best Director. [ Cheering and applause ]
That's great. [ Whistling ] That's great,
but also sad to say, "A record number of female
directors were nominated -- two." [ Laughter ] The Netflix film "Mank"
led the way with 10 nominations. That's basically one nomination
for every time you paused "Mank" to check
Instagram on your phone. [ Laughter ] It was a good day for Netflix. They got 35 nominations. [ Cheering and applause ]
It's amazing that the same studio can make a critically acclaimed
art house film, like "Mank," and the critically acclaimed
art house show "Floor is Lava." [ Laughter ] And, speaking of awards shows,
last night was the Grammy Awards. [ Cheering and applause ] The big winners of the night
were Beyoncé and Taylor Swift, while the big losers were
anyone who watched the Cardi B-Megan Thee Stallion
performance with their parents. [ Laughter, rimshot ] Did you guys see?
If you missed it, here they are. They're on a giant bed.
Check this out. -♪ I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP ♪ -Okay, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
Just a little snippet. Just a little snippet.
-Aw. -Anybody who turned on CBS
looking for "60 Minutes" immediately pressed
their Life Alert button. They're like --
[ Gasps ] [ Laughter ] As soon as he saw that,
Young Sheldon's bow tie started spinning. [ Laughter ]
Zzz! Zzz zzz zzz! Meanwhile, Dr. Fauci was like, "That's not proper
social distancing, but I'll allow it." [ Laughter ]
Look, I get it. Like a lot of Americans
this year, they decided to work from bed. Why not?
[ Laughter ] Not only did the performance
feature a giant bed, there was also a giant high heel
that doubled as a stripper pole. Here is a photo of that there. [ Laughter ] Do you want to know
something even crazier? Joe Biden is using
the same thing for his town hall
with George Stephanopoulos. [ Laughter ] I think that's absolutely wrong. Some sports news. Yesterday was Selection Sunday for the men's college
basketball tournament, which means March Madness
has begun. [ Cheering and applause ] Yep, the tournament is here,
just in time for you to gamble away
your entire stimulus check. ♪♪ Yep, March Madness is
that special time of year when we pretend
to know the difference between Texas, Texas Tech,
Texas Southern, and North Texas. [ Laughter ] This year, it will be
different because, instead of the games being
played across the country, the entire tournament
will take place in Indianapolis. All the players were like,
"Well, we're not getting paid, but at least we get to spend
a month in Indianapolis." [ Laughter ] The number-1 seeds this year are Gonzaga, Baylor, Michigan,
and Illinois. Yep, Gonzaga is number 1
in basketball and having a name that sounds
like an antique car horn. [ Laughter ] That's right, half the country
thinks Gonzaga will win it all, while the other half
thinks Gonzaga is the name of a new vaccine. [ Laughter ] For the first time since 1995, Duke did not make it
to the tournament. The team appealed their decision
with a letter that said, "Bro, do you know
who our dads are?" [ Laughter ] Well, guys, yesterday,
on Fox News, Dr. Fauci urged former
President Trump to speak up about the coronavirus vaccine.
Listen to this. -He's not out, telling people
to get vaccinated. I wish he would. He has such incredible influence over people
in the Republican Party. It would really be
a game-changer if he did. -Dr. Fauci, I apologize, but you're not going to get
anything done with Trump. If you want to get
something done, you got to go through Scott Baio
or Lee Greenwood or Deer Man. [ Laughter ] Honestly, asking Trump
to give people medical advice makes me nervous,
because you know, one day, he's going to say
something crazy like, "Sour Patch Kids
can cure asthma." [ Laughter ] Wait. I'm being told Trump
has now released a video encouraging people
to get the vaccine. That's amazing.
Can we roll it? [ As Trump ]
Dear, my supporters, I urge you all
to get the vaccine as soon as you're eligible. There are some fantastic,
beautiful, great companies
that are making these vaccines, companies such as... Abracadabra, Modern Family, Bitcoin, P.F. Chang's, I'm in Ohio, November Sucks, Clever Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, Giovanni Ribisi
Is a Prostitute, and, of course,
Scarlett Johansson. [ Laughter ]
-See? At least he's doing it. [ Applause ] Well, this is great. On Saturday, world-renowned
musician Yo-Yo Ma received his
second vaccine dose. But check out what he did
while he was waiting. ♪♪ Yeah. Cool. At first, people thought it
was a Zales commercial playing through the loudspeaker. [ Laughter ] The guy by the stretcher
in the back of him was like, "Hey, if you're going
to play that thing, you'd better be Yo-Yo -- Oh, you are Yo-Yo Ma.
Wow." [ Laughter ] This made me laugh.
On Fox News, one of the hosts of "The Five" didn't realize he was
on the air and, well, take a look
at what happened. -Time now for "One More Thing."
Gregory. -♪ I gotta pee ♪ [ Laughter ]
♪ I gotta ♪ ♪ Pee... ♪ ♪ Pee... ♪
-You're on the air. [ Laughter and applause ] -Greg.
-Greg. -I'll take Greg's slot until he has to come back
from the bathroom. [ Laughter ] -And the Grammy
for Worst Song goes to... [ Drumroll ] It got worse five seconds later,
when he started singing -- ♪ I no longer have to pee ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ I no longer have
to pee ♪ -Ew. -And, finally,
since the pandemic has shut down most airport bars, the Seattle-Tacoma Airport is trying out a new concept.
Watch this. -Kathy Casey's Shot Bar is an alcoholic option
for travelers on the go. Passengers can choose
from several different spirits --
tequila, vodka -- and each serving comes
in a little, two-ounce, red Solo cup.
-[ Laughs ] -It's always a little unnerving
when you hear the pilot go, "This is the Captain speaking
on behalf of [ Hiccups ] Know that I just received
my fifth shot. [ Laughter ]
[ Hiccups ] ♪ I gotta pee ♪ [ Applause ]
♪ I gotta pee ♪ Yesterday, the White House
had a press briefing and they announced that they
reached out to North Korea to restart nuclear talks,
but had not heard back. At first, I thought the reason
for the lack of response might be that Kim Jong-un
uses a fax machine, but then I remembered Biden
does, too, so. [ Laughter and applause ] Well, hours
after the White House said it hadn't received
a response from North Korea, Kim Jong-un's sister
made a statement. Listen to this. -This new warning
to the Biden administration. She says... -Ooh!
-Okay! [ Laughter ] -Okay.
-Ooh! -Yeah, nice try, North Korea,
but we're America. We haven't slept well
for the past five years, so. [ Laughter ]
Seriously, only four years without sleep
sounds like a bargain. [ Laughter ]
Also, I like that Kim Jong-un had his sister deliver
the message. It's like North Korea's
version of, "I heard a noise in America. Go check it out." [ Laughter ] Oh, and here's some big news. According to U.S. intelligence,
Russia and Iran tried to interfere
with the 2020 election. Biden's like, "Well, whatever
you did, thanks, fellas." [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah. This is pretty rough news
for Trump. It's like losing
in Little League and then finding out
your dad bribed the ump. [ Laughter ] Right now, Putin and the
ayatollah are on a couch, like a Nora Ephron movie. [ As Putin ]
We met hacking the election. He wanted to hack ballots. I wanted to hack Twitter and we've been together
ever since. [ Laughter and applause ] Some business news here. I saw that Mountain Dew
is releasing a new, sugar-free soda called
Frost Bite Zero Sugar. Here's a photo. Something tells me that,
if you're drinking a neon-blue drink called
Frost Bite, you're not that worried
about the sugar content. [ Laughter and applause ] Meanwhile, I saw that Heinz
just launched three new combo condiments,
called Hanch, Wasabioli, and Tarchup. -Yes! -When asked how they came up
with these, Heinz was like, "We got draked -- drunk and baked." [ Laughter ] I'm actually trying to be
a little healthier, so I'm waiting for Tarchup Zero. [ Laughter ] That's right, there are
three new combo condiments. There's Tarchup, which is
tartar sauce and ketchup; Hanch, which is
hot sauce and ranch; and Wasabioli,
which is wasabi and aioli. They're funny names, but some
of the other combos they tried didn't really work out. For example,
they tried combining balsamic and hot sauce
and got... [ Laughter and applause ] Then they combined
oil, aioli, and mayo and got... [ Laughter ] And, finally, they combined
beef gravy, Italian dressing, and Greek yogurt in a wok,
with barbecue sauce, and got... I mean, that's -- [ Laughter and applause ] This is interesting.
A new study found that almost 80%
of Manhattan office workers will not return
to their workplace full-time, once their office reopens. Yep, 80% are happy that they
won't return to their workplace, while the other 20% are parents. [ Laughter ] "I'll be back in 15 hours. You guys know how to tuck
yourselves in, right? Cool. See ya." Yeah, bosses are already trying
to get people to come back. They're like, "Come on. There's free Hanch
in the kitchen." [ Laughter ] Sort of makes sense.
It's basically, "Do I want my three-bedroom office
with a private bathroom or do I want to share
a cubicle with Frank, the guy in the office
who burns microwave popcorn?" Speaking of working from home, there's a new app for Zoom
users. Check this out. -The Zoom Escaper app. It allows Zoom users
to sabotage their own calls with sound effects,
like a crying baby. You can also make it seem as if you have a bad connection.
-Yes! [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. That's right, an app
that will make it seem like your Zoom has
technical difficulties. So, basically,
these guys invented Zoom. [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally, some news for Mega Millions players.
Watch this. -An unclaimed
Mega Millions ticket purchased last year
is set to expire tomorrow. The winning ticket was bought
in Rhode Island on St. Patrick's Day 2020. It's worth $1 million,
and the rightful owner has less than 24 hours
to accept the lump sum. -You know, last March, a guy
left the ticket in his office, next to a half-eaten sandwich,
thinking, "I'll take care
of this tomorrow."
[ Laughter ] I want to start off
by wishing everyone a very happy St. Patrick's Day! [ Cheering and applause ] Yep, instead of Pfizer
and Moderna, people just stayed home
and did shots of Jameson. [ Laughter ] Yep, all day,
we got to play a fun game -- drunk coworker
or bad Zoom connection? [ Laughter ] I -- dr-- sh--
Ar-- zhur-- sa. [ Laughter ] St. Patrick's Day during COVID
is pretty strange. You've got to stay
six feet apart, or, as Irish dads call it, hugging. [ Laughter ] The CDC put out guidelines
for how to celebrate. You know it's a fun holiday
when you're getting tips from people in lab coats. [ Laughter ]
Isn't it fun? Yeah. There weren't
any big parades today. My question is, is it really
St. Patrick's Day if I can't watch a guy
on Fifth Avenue puke into a green hat
at 8:00 am, you know? [ Laughter ] I mean, are we really
celebrating when I can't see a subway grate blow a kilt
over a man's head, you know? [ Laughter ] But people still celebrated. Everyone ate corned beef
and cabbage to commemorate
when St. Patrick went keto. [ Laughter ] In celebration
of today's holiday, the White House fountain
was dyed green. Take a look at this. Yeah. Actually, I'm being told
that's just a leak in the Mountain Dew pipeline
installed by Trump. [ Laughter ] We'll get it fixed. Well, this was big.
Last night, President Biden sat down
for an exclusive interview with George Stephanopoulos,
and he had some strong words for Vladimir Putin.
Listen to this. -You know Vladimir Putin. You think he's a killer? -Mm-hmm.
I do. -So what price must he pay? -The price he's going to pay, well, you'll see shortly. -Ooh.
-Okay. -Then, Stephanopoulos said,
"Okay, but, don't call me 'Shortly.'" [ Laughter ] Of course, "You'll see shortly"
is political code for, "I have no friggin' idea." [ Laughter ] Biden sounded like he was
in an '80s action movie. I was waiting for him
to put his badge in the drawer and be like -- [ As Biden ]
I'm not a cop tonight, George. This is personal. [ Laughter ] But Biden didn't stop there. He went on to say this
about Putin. -You said you know
he doesn't have a soul. -I did say that to him, yes. And his response was, "We understand one another." I wasn't being a wise guy. I was alone with him
in his office. That's how it came about. I said, "I looked in your eyes, and I don't think
you have a soul." He looked back at me and said,
"We understand each other." [ Laughter ]
-Then, Putin was like... [ As Putin ]
Mr. Biden, are you trying
to seduce me? [ Laughter ] The weird thing is,
Biden once said the same thing to a scooper at Cold Stone
who forgot his hot fudge. [ Laughter ] [ As Biden ]
I don't think you have a soul. [ Laughter ] Yep, Biden said he was alone in Putin's office.
Then, Putin pointed to 52 different plants
in the room and said -- [ As Putin ] Trust me --
when you're in my office, we're never alone. [ Laughter ] At the end of the interview,
Stephanopoulos asked Biden about his dog Major, who recently got
into some trouble with a White House staffer.
Watch this. -Is Major out of the doghouse? -Yeah --
[ Laughs ] The answer is yes. Major was a rescue pup. Major did not bite someone
and penetrate the skin, but he's a sweet dog. 85% of the people there
love him. All he does is lick them
and wag his tail. -Yeah.
85% of the people love him. The other 15% are missing
part of their face. [ Laughter ] 85% just love to have him
around. Biden was like -- [ As Biden ]
Relax. After it happened, I looked into Major's eyes and I saw his soul. [ Laughter ] Well, you guys, President Biden
is on his Help is Here tour, to talk about the benefits
of the new stimulus package and, it turns out
he's already been to a lot of places
to promote the bill. He even released a song
about it. Take a look. ♪♪ -♪ I've been everywhere, man ♪ ♪ And I've been everywhere ♪ ♪ I've been to California,
Oklahoma, Pennsylvania ♪ ♪ Arizona, Massachusetts
Mississippi, San Francisco ♪ ♪ Kansas City, Alabama,
Minnesota, Carolina ♪ ♪ North Dakota, North Korea
Venezuela, Guatemala ♪ ♪ Indonesia, Colorado,
Pakistan, Cancún, to the Moon ♪ ♪ Austin, Boston,
Iran, Afghanistan ♪ ♪ I've been everywhere, man ♪ ♪ And I've been everywhere ♪ -Ah.
[ Cheering and applause ] Some sports news.
I saw that LeBron James recently became part owner
of the Boston Red Sox. That's right,
the Red Sox are now partly owned by a Yankees fan
who plays for the Lakers, and they found out
on St. Patrick's Day. So, please, check
on your friends in Boston. [ Laughter ] But business news here. I saw that Yankee Candle
just announced its Scent of the Year
is Discovery. Yeah, it's already
predicted to be this year's most re-gifted candle. [ Laughter ] Yeah, the candle's
called Discovery. It's a pretty fancy name
for something that's gonna sit undiscovered above your toilet
for three years. [ Laughter ] And, finally, a woman in Florida was just arrested for something pretty crazy.
Watch this. -A woman arrested, accused
of doing a botched nose job. Police say the woman posed
as a fake plastic surgeon and performed a nose job
on a man. She was in the middle of another
surgery when she was arrested. -Patients knew something was up
when her surgical gown had an AutoZone logo on it. [ Laughter ] Yeah, they stopped her
mid-surgery. Meanwhile, the patient was like,
"Um, hello!" ♪♪ The drama
between President Biden and Vladimir Putin continues. A day after Biden
called Putin a killer, Putin responded by saying... -Ooh!
-Sheesh! [ Laughter ]
-This is fun. As if the pandemic
wasn't enough, let's throw in tension
with a "nuclear enemy" into the mix.
Why not? [ Laughter ] Don't worry.
Biden isn't scared by this. Just to be safe, he skipped
wearing underwear today, just in case they were poisoned. [ Laughter ] Yep, these guys
are really going at it. But keep in mind,
it could also be just a marketing stunt
for Sunglass Hut. [ Laughter and applause ]
Just saying. Just think about it. The Kremlin also weighed in and called Biden's comments
about Putin "very bad" and demanded an explanation or an apology.
Then, Biden was like -- [ As Biden ]
Well, which one do you want, explanation or apology? [ Laughter and applause ] Yep, the Kremlin demanded
that Biden explain himself, which will backfire
when they realize every Biden explanation takes
at least three hours. [ Laughter ]
[ As Biden ] I know a Russian guy named Igor. [ Laughter ] We used to call him "Scooter," because he had a bicycle
with no pedals. [ Laughter ] He would scoot
his way to school. [ Laughter ] Wow! But things didn't
stop there because, later today,
Putin invited Biden to have a public livestream chat
either tomorrow or Monday. Somehow, we went from, "It takes
a killer to know a killer" to -- [ As Putin ]
You free for Zoom
happy hour later? [ Laughter and applause ] Just saying, it could be fun. Just a couple of palsies. [ Laughter ] Yep, it's a busy time for Biden. Today, his administration
announced that they are sending millions
of AstraZeneca vaccine doses to Canada and Mexico. That's nice. We're giving them
the one vaccine that isn't approved in the U.S. [ Laughter ] It's like telling a houseguest,
"Hey, if you're hungry, there's a frozen Lean Cuisine
from 1989 in the garage. Don't touch our food. [ Laughter ] Go at it.
Go at it with that lasagna." [ Laughter ] Here's some more big news out of our nation's capital. As of this week, magic mushrooms are now decriminalized
in Washington, D.C. -What?! [ Laughter ] -You could already see a difference
with some lawmakers. Take a look at how
they were behaving before and after the 'shrooms
kicked in. Watch this. -Let's. pass. this. bill! The brain is an amazing organ. [ Laughter ]
-How critical it is that we do something
about COVID. Go smoke some dope and you will
enjoy life so much more. -Fear has become
an all too prevalent quality. This is, of course, a picture of former
President Ronald Reagan, naturally,
firing a machine gun while riding on the back
of a dinosaur. [ Laughter and applause ] -Wait! That's real? What?! -Some sports news. Well, everyone is
pumped for this. It is March Madness!
That's right! [ Cheering and applause ] Everyone is doing
their office pools. Of course, this year,
that means it's you against your wife,
your two-year-old, and your dog. [ Laughter ] "Rusty, you picked
Gonzaga, too?" [ Laughter ] And this is cool -- fans will be
allowed in the arenas, but capacity will be limited, So, to add
some extra excitement, CBS is making the
sneaker squeaks 50% louder. [ Sneakers squeaking ] "And there's pass from Jennings. Oh, he's got the easy lay-up! Jennings has got
the easy lay-up! Oh, rejected out of the --" [ Squeaking stops ]
-Wait. [ Sneakers squeaking ] "There's a pass over to Okanuba. Okanuba passes back to Jennings! He's down in the paint
and he's --" [ Squeaking stops ] [ Sneakers squeaking ]
No, don't play it -- I can't. -Please, please, please.
-I'm out of breath. [ Laughter ] Well, this is great, though. Do you guys remember
Sister Jean? She was the nun who was
the biggest fan of Loyola Chicago
basketball team. -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. Well, her school is back in the tournament and,
at 101 years old, she's been cleared
to attend the game. [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah! I love Sister Jean. She's Loyola's most beloved fan and their most
unforgiving bookie. [ Laughter ] You thought a ruler was bad.
She walks around with a pipe. [ Laughter ] [ Italian accent ]
Contribution's a little light
this week. [ Laughter ] When asked how it felt to be
allowed to attend, Sister Jean said
that she was "#Blessed." [ Laughter ] Sister Jean, you know. The team loves Sister Jean. Before tip-off, she always has the same uplifting message -- "Have fun out there
and don't be afraid to stuff a fool,
you freshman bitch." [ Laughter ]
-What? -That's just -- And, finally,
this is pretty wild. A man in New York was
just convicted of a very unusual crime.
Watch this. -A man in New York was convicted
of illegal trafficking after keeping live sharks
in a pool at his home and offering them for sale
on the Internet. -Even the sharks were like,
"Ugh, an aboveground pool?" [ Laughter ] Right now, Vladimir Putin is
trying to set up the meeting with Biden directly
over that tank. [ As Putin ]
Just take two more steps closer. [ Laughter ]
The Wi-Fi is better there. [ Buzzer ]
