>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE SHOW. WE'RE SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE. WE REALLY ARE. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'LL BE
JOINED BY THE ALWAYS BRILLIANT TRACY MORGAN, LATER A
PERFORMANCE FROM KINGS OF LEON, SO STING AROUND FOR THAT. KINGS OF LEON. >> Regg
>> Reggie: IT'S KINGS OF LEON (PRONOUNCING). >> James: YOU'RE A PRINCE OF
LEON. >> Reggie: YES. >> James: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
MADE A PRINCE. >> Reggie: NO BUT I'M IN THE
COURT SO THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. >> James: BEN, DOWNTOWN
PREPPING THE GRAMMYS THIS WEEK, BENN AND I WERE SHOOTING A
SKETCH FOR COMIC RELIFE IN ABU DHABI. WE GOT THERE AND THE NIGHT WE
SHOT THE SKETCH KINGS OF LEON WERE PLAYING. WE THOUGHT, WE'LL WATCH KINGS OF
LEON, THAT WILL BE FUN. WE STOOD THERE, HAVING A GOOD
TIME. THEY PLAYED "SEX ON FIRE." WE HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS, AND
THE MINUTE THEY BURST INTO ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE ♪
IS WHOLE CROWD IS UP FOR IT. I'M ABOUT HERE AND BEN IS ABOUT
HERE, AND BEN WENT,. ♪ YEAH! ♪
AND PUNCHED ME SO HARD IN THE FACE, IT WASN'T EVEN SOMETHING
EITHER OF US COULD SHRUG OFF. I WAS GOING LIKE THIS, AS PEOPLE
STOOD ALL AROUND US AND PEOPLE STARTED GOING, OH, MY, ARE YOU
OKAY? AND I'M GOING, AAAHHH! AND BEN WAS GOING, I'M SO SORRY,
AND WE REALLY MISSED THE BEST OF KINGS OF LEON SHOW. I WANTED TO BE BACK IN THE THING
BUT MY EYES WERE WATERERRINGING AND MY NOSE HURT AND HE WAS
GOING I'M SO SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT CLOSE. I'M GOING, IT'S COOL, IT WASN'T
ON PURPOSE. AND PEOPLE WERE OFFERING ICE IN
A CUP AND I SAID, NO, IT'S WEIRD. >> Reggie: YOU HAVE TO BE
CAREFUL WHEN YOU WRITE HIT SONGS. >> James: THAT'S THE PROBLEM. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. >> THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A HIT
SONG! >> Reggie: OH, MY GOD! THAT'S --
>> James: THAT MAY BE THE REASON! >> Reggie: THAT'S CRAZY. NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. >> IF IT'S REALLY BIG, A SMASH
HIT. >> Reggie: OH... DAMN. >> James: I DON'T KNOW IF MY
SEX HAS EVER BEEN ON FIRE. ( LAUGHTER )
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I DON'T KNOW THAT IT'S EVER BEEN
I LOOK AT FIRE AS A BAD THING. >> AT BEST I HAVE OBTAINED A
MICROWAVE BURR READO THAT STILL HAS POCKETS OF COLD IN IT LEVEL
OF SEX. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: YES. I THINK I'VE REHEATED MY SEX. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SET IT
FULLY ON FIRE. >> I HAVE, BUT I HAD TO GO TO
THE DOCTOR TO GET THAT LOOKED AT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: TO BE CLEAR, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CHLAMYDIA. THAT'S VERY, VERY DIFFERENT. >> I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU WERE TAKING ABOUT. >> James: I DON'T THINK THAT'S
WHAT KINGS OF LEON MEANT. I DON'T. THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ROOM WHO
I KNOW FOR SURE HAS HAD SEXUAL FIRE IS SAT RIGHT THERE ON THE
DRUMS. ( LAUGHTER )
AM I WRONG? >> YOU'RE NOT WRONG. AU, YES! [ APPLAUSE ]
YES! >> James: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
HAVING SEX AND YOU'VE THOUGHT, I NEED TO MENTALLY WORK OUT WHERE
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS ARE? BECAUSE THIS COULD JUST GO UP IN
FLAMES AT ANY MOMENT, AT ANY MOMENT! >> Reggie: OH, GOD... >> James: WELL, IT'S TIME TO
JUMP INTO THE HEADLINES. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WILL DELIVER HIS
FIRST PRIME-TIME ADDRESS TO THE NATION THURSDAY NIGHT TO MARK
THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE COVID-19 SHUTDOWNS. A THURSDAY NIGHT PRIME-TIME
ADDRESS? THIS BETTER NOT BE AT 8:00 P.M. I AM NOT MISSING
"YOUNG SHELDON" FOR THIS. BIDEN WILL BE ADDRESSING THE
ENTIRE COUNTRY. AND TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WATCH
HE'S GOING TO WEAR OPRAH'S GLASSES. IN OTHER WHITE HOUSE NEWS
BIDEN'S TWO GERMAN SHEPHERDS WERE SENT BACK TO THE FAMILY
HOME IN DELAWARE AFTER THEIR DOG MAJOR BECAME TOO AGGRESSIVE AND
REPORTEDLY BIT A MEMBER OF WHITE HOUSE SECURITY. MAJOR WAS REMOVED FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE. HE WAS... IMPOOCHED. ( RIM SHOT )
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SHOCKING STORY, BUT IT
PROVES TO ME THAT YOU CAN BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
AND I STILL DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR RESCUE DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
THE DOG WAS BEING OVERLY AGGRESSIVE. TO MAKE THINGS WORSE THEY ALSO
JUST FOUND OUT MAJOR WAS IN THE CAPITOL BUILDING ON
JANUARY 6. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Reggie: OH, MAN. THAT SUCKS. >> James: MOVING ON, I HAVE TO
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THE OLYMPICS IN TOKYO
WILL GO AHEAD AS PLANNED THIS SUMMER, BUT WITHOUT ANY FOREIGN
SPECTATORS IN THE STANDS. YEAH. I FEEL FOR THE ATHLETES, I DO. BUT I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE AND
PERFORM AT THE VERY PINNACLE OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT TO A MOSTLY
EMPTY ROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, NOW, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR PEOPLE CHANTING "U.S.A., U.S.A." THIS SUMMER, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO
TO A RESTAURANT IN TEXAS AND WATCH SOMEONE TRY TO EAT A
72-OUNCE STEAK IN UNDER AN HOUR. ( LAUGHTER )
HAS ANYONE HERE EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE FOOD THINGS WHERE THEY
GET YOU TO EAT, LIKE, LOADS OF STUFF. >> TIM HAS. HAVE YOU TIM. YEAH, IT WAS A HOT CHALLENGE. WHAT'S IT CALLED, HOWLING RAY'S
DOWNTOWN L.A. >> James: WHAT DID YOU EAT? A CHICKEN SANDWICH WITH JUST
AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF HEAT, AND IF YOU ATE IT, YOU WOULD GET
IT FOR FREE AND I THINK, LIKE, A $30 GIFT CARD OR SOMETHING AND
YOUR NAME ON A WALL. AND I ATE IT AND SPENT THE
PROBABLY THE NEXT 48 HOURS IN THE WORST ABDOMINAL DISTRESS AND
PAIN JUST WRITHING ON THE FLOOR CRYING. >> James: REALLY? IT WAS THE WORST. >> James: GENUINE TEARS,
ACTUAL TEARS? >> I CAN'T EAT FRIED CHICKEN AT
ALL ANYMORE. NOTHING. I'LL NEVER COMPETE. >> James: WOW! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? HOW MUCH WAS THE CHICKEN
SANDWICH THAT YOU WANTED THAT MONEY IN YOUR POCKET. >> IT WAS, LIKE, $12. >> James: RIGHT. IT WAS SORT OF THE FAME. I WANTED MY NAME ON THE WALL. >> James: AND IS YOUR NAME ON
THE WALL? >> NO. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO IT UNDER
20 MINUTES. I NEVER WENT BACK. I COULD HAVE GONE BACK AND TOLD
THEM BUT I JUST NEVER WANTED TO SEE IT AGAIN. SO... ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: I THINK WE SHOULD START SOME SORT OF MOVEMENT
HERE, ROB, WITH CBS, YOU KNOW. THIS IS AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE
NETWORK, GUYS. IF WE CAN'T GET TIM'S NAME ON
THE WALL, I QUIT. >> YEAH. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> James: GONE. WHERE IS IT? DOWNTOWN? >> YEAH, I THINK IT'S CLOSED
NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: THEN I'M STICKING AROUND. DON'T WORRY. BUT, YEAH. >> I BRIEFLY HELD A PANCAKE
RECORD IN HILLSBORO, OREGON. >> James: HOW BRIEFLY? I ATE 22 PANCAKES --
>> James: HOLD ON. AT THE START OF THIS, I SAID HAS
ANYONE HERE DONE ANY FOOD EATING CHALLENGES AND YOU WENT, NOPE. >> I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT, I
FORGOT I ONCE ATE 22 PANCAKES. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS SENIOR YEAR HIGH SCHOOL. WE WENT TO AN INTERNATIONAL
HOUSE OF PANCAKES. I HAD 22. THE NEXT NIGHT, MY FRIEND MATT
GERHART WENT IN AND ATE 28 PANCAKES. DIDN'T EVEN GO 23 AND BOWED OUT
GRACEFULLY, ECLIPSED ME BY 28 PANCAKES. >> James: DO YOU STILL RUN
INTO EACH OTHER. >> EVERY NOW AND THEN. HE ONCE DRANK A GALLON OF MILK,
YOU KNOW THE MILK GALLON CHALLENGE. >> James: I DO. IN UNDER AN HOUR. WE AIL TRIED. HE'S TH ONLY ONE WHO COULD. THEN HE WENT AND GOT TACO BELL. HE DIDN'T EVEN THROW UP. >> James: NO! HALF AN HOUR GRACE PERIOD,
I'M HUNGRY. THEN WENT AND ATE TACO BELL AND
THEN WE SPENT IS IT NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE, LIKE THAT WASN'T GOING TO
BE A DISASTER, IT WAS. >> James: IT DID ARRIVE AT
SOME POINT. >> THE BILL GAME DUE AND WE WERE
ALL THERE SPLITTING IT TOGETHER. >> James: OH, NO. OH... SWEET DREAMS, GUYS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, YEAH -- NOBODY FROM OUTSIDE OF JAPAN
WILL BE ALLOWED TO VISIT - ( LAUGHTER )
-- BECAUSE THAT -- THAT'S HOW THIS STORY STARTED. ANYWAY, LIKE I SAY, NOBODY FROM
OUTSIDE OF JAPAN WILL BE ALLOWED TO VISIT,
WHICH MEANS I'LL HAVE TO GO WITH MY BACKUP PLAN FOR ATTENDING THE
OLYMPICS: JOINING THE U.K. RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS TEAM. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Reggie: THAT'S COOL. THAT'S SWEET. >> James: I WONDER IF -- IS IT
TOO LATE FOR ME, DO YOU THINK, TO GET IN ON THE OLYMPICS? >> Reggie: NO. >> James: IS IT TOO LATE? >> Reggie: NO. >> James: WHAT COULD I DO, DO
YOU THINK? >> Reggie: WHAT'S THE THING
WHERE YOU GO -- ( MAKING NOISES
>> James: BUT THAT'S THE WINTER OLYMPICS
>> SHOT PUT. YOU WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT,
YOU'VE GOT STRONG LEGS >> James: STRONG LEGS
>> Reggie: YEAH. EXACTLY. YES. YES. THAT'S IT
>> James: NOW, DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS? CALIFORNIA HAS JUST LAUNCHED A
PROGRAM THAT LETS ANYONE WHO VOLUNTEERS AT INOCULATION SITES
GET THE VACCINE THEMSELVES. VOLUNTEERS MUST PUT IN AT LEAST
FOUR HOURS OF WORK TO QUALIFY. THIS IS PERFECT FOR PEOPLE IN
LOS ANGELES. IT'S THE KIND OF VOLUNTEERING
THAT ALSO ANSWERS THE QUESTION, "SURE, BUT WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?"
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR TIM,
I ASSUME YOU CAN CHALK THIS UP IN YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE HOURS,
RIGHT? >> I HOPE SO. >> James: WOULD THIS QUALIFY
FOR THAT? >> I'LL HAVE TO CHECK WITH MY
PAROL OFFICER. >> James: HOW IS NIGEL? HE SAYS HI, TO YOU, TOO,
STEVE. >> James: YEAH. AND YOU SORTED THAT THING OUT
ABOUT THE TAG. >> IT WAS A TOTAL MISTAKE. >> James: EXACTLY. BUT IT'S TOUGH IN COVID, YOU
KNOW, LIKE LOCKDOWN PAROL IS SHOTTER THAN YOU THINK. >> James: IT'S DIFFICULT. NIGEL, THE TAG WAS A MISTAKE. AND IS EVERYBODY HERE? WE'VE DONE 500,000 OF THEM NOW. IS EVERYBODY HERE TIRED OF COVID
SWAB TESTS? GOOD NEWS,
A DUTCH INVENTOR HAS CREATED A NEW KIND OF TEST WHERE
PARTICIPANTS SCREAM INSIDE AN AIR LOCKED BOOTH, THEN PARTICLES
FROM THEIR EXHALED BREATH ARE ANALYZED FOR COVID. YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN A FUN 12
MONTHS WHEN SOMEONE INVENTS A DEVICE TO ANALYZE YOUR SCREAMS. A BOOTH WHERE YOU GO AND SCREAM
AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. OR, AS MOST OF US HAVE CALLED IT
DURING THE PANDEMIC, THE BATHROOM. IT'S A COVID TEST WHERE YOU
SCREAM. AFTER THE NEWS CAME OUT, COUPLES
EVERYWHERE WERE LIKE, "I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU, I'M CHECKING TO
SEE IF I HAVE COVID! BUT WHILE WE'RE HERE, THE
GLASSES GO IN THE TOP RACK OF THE DISHWASHER! THAT WAY! THAT WAY, FOR ( BLEEP ) SAKE! I LOVE YOU BUT I NEED SOME
SPACE! REG, WHAT WOULD YOUR SCREAM BE? >> Reggie: I WOULD BE, LIKE,
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BAD! >> James: I THINK I'D ACTUALLY
SING THE KINGS OF LEON "SEX IS ON FIRE." >> Reggie: AAAHHH! YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE! >> James: OR IT COULD HAVE
BEEN THAT CHICKEN SANDWICH! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE'S A NEW GUINNESS WORLD RECORD TO TELL YOU ABOUT. A 17-YEAR-OLD IN NEW ZEALAND
JUST SPENT 35 HOURS SWINGING ON A PLAYGROUND SWING SET, BREAKING
THE RECORD FOR "LONGEST CONTINUOUS SWINGING." OUR THOUGHTS GO OUT TO THE
PREVIOUS RECORD HOLDER, GUILLERMO. ( LAUGHTER )
( RIM SHOT ) 17! I FEEL LIKE HE JUST GOT CAUGHT
AT A PLAYGROUND GETTING HIGH AFTER SCHOOL AND WHEN PEOPLE
ASKED WHAT HE WAS DOING HE WAS LIKE--
"UH, BREAKING A WORLD RECORD!" ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT HAGAR'S TINY LITTLE BASE HANGING OUT NEXT TO HER. >> James: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT A
TINY BASS? >> MAYBE IT'S NOT TINY. MAYBE WE'RE TOO BIG. ( LAUGHTER )
>> ( BLEEP ). >> James: WHAT IF WE ARE ALL
TINY. IMAGINE WEARILY. >> WHAT A SENTENCE. REMEMBER WE SHOT A THING ON
AN AIRPLANE. >> James: YES. THERE'S NO WAY TO BRING AN
ACTUAL BASS. THIS IS A LOVELY TINIA BASS. SO IT MADE SENSE FOR THAT. pI STILL HAVE IT. >> James: I'D LIKE TO DO A
SHOW WHERE THE WHOLE BAND IS PLAYING TINY INSTRUMENTS. THAT'S HAPPENING MONDAY, OKAY? OKAY? ( LAUGHTER )
A LITTLE INSIGHT AS TO HOW THINGS HAPPEN AROUND HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
MONDAY, TINY INSTRUMENTS. ( LAUGHTER )
DONE. A MARKER, LAID DOWN. I, FOR ONE, CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS
TO BE TURNED INTO AN INSPIRATIONAL DISNEY + ORIGINAL
MOVIE STARRING ONE TO HAVE THE KIDS FROM -- STARRING ONE OF THE
KIDS FROM "STRANGER THINGS." THE TALL ONE -- FROM "IT." THE ONE FROM "IT." >> Reggie: THE TALL ONE? ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. >> James: YOU KNOW THE ONE I
MEAN. >> Reggie: NO. >> James: YOU'VE WATCHED
"STRANGER THINGS"? >> Reggie: I HAVE, BUT I DON'T
REMEMBER THEIR HEIGHTS. >> James: THAWS WE'RE ALL
SMALL. >> Reggie: EVERYBODY'S TALL. >> James: AND WE WANTED TO
TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT TWO-THIRDS OF
BRITISH PEOPLE LAUGH AT JOKES THEY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
IN ORDER TO FIT IN. I WOULDN'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER HEARD A FAKE LAUGH
IN MY LIFE. ( FAKE LAUGHING )
LAUGHING AT JOKES THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IN ORDER TO FIT IN. THAT'S NOTHING. I COME OUT HERE EVERY NIGHT AND
TELL JOKES I DON'T UNDERSTAND JUST TO FIT IN. THE STUDY SAID HUMOR INVOLVING
YOU THINK I KNOW ABOUT YOUR FILIBUSTERS, YOUR VOTEARAMAS? ( LAUGHTER )
THE STUDY SAID HUMOR INVOLVING PUNS PUZZLES BRITS THE MOST. APPARENTLY, WE JUST CAN'T
MAKE... THE PIECES FIT. HIT ME GUILLERMO! (RIM SHOT)
AND FINALLY, AS YOU KNOW, YESTERDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL
WOMEN'S DAY, AND BURGER KING IS UNDER FIRE BECAUSE THEY TWEETED
"WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN." I KNOW. I KNOW. THE FOLLOW-UP TWEET SAID, "IF
THEY WANT TO, OF COURSE. YET ONLY 20% OF CHEFS ARE WOMEN. WE'RE ON A MISSION TO CHANGE THE
GENDER RATIO IN THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY BY EMPOWERING FEMALE
EMPLOYEES WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO PURSUE A CULINARY CAREER." WHAT THIS IS, THEY TRIED TO DO A
JOKE ON TWITTER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Reggie: IMPOSSIBLE. >> James: THE WORST PART OF
THIS IS, ACTUALLY, NOT THAT THEY SAID WOMEN BELONG IN THE
KITCHEN, IT'S THAT BURGER KING ACTUALLY THINKS
THEY'RE CAPABLE OF PROVIDING SOMEONE WITH CULINARY TRAINING. ( LAUGHTER )
THE TWEET WAS POORLY THOUGHT OUT, BUT BURGER KING ISN'T THE
ONLY COMPANY TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. REMEMBER THIS ODD MOTHER'S DAY
TWEET FROM SPAGHETTIO'S? "GIVE YOUR MOM WHAT SHE WANTS,
MULTIPLE O'S." ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE PEOPLE AT BLACK & DECKER TOOLS SHOULD'VE THOUGHT MORE
ABOUT THIS PROMOTIONAL TWEET. "WHETHER YOU'RE DRILLING,
BLOWING, OR POUNDING, LET US BE A PART OF IT." ( LAUGHTER )
AND, OF COURSE, WHO CAN FORGET THAT FATHER'S DAY WHEN TACO BELL
TWEETED, "EATIN' AIN'T CHEATIN'." ( LAUGHTER )
