BIG NEWS, I THINK
EVERYBODY MERES KNOWS THIS GUILLERMO AND HIS WIFE, WYNNE,
ARE CURRENTLY AT THE HOSPITAL-- SO A BABY IS ON ITS WAY. I AM A SO HAPPY. HAVE WE GOT ANY UPDATES? THEY
COULD HAVE IT HAD BY NOW. >> HE MADE A JOKE ABOUT THE
LUNCH MENU EARLIER, ABOUT 11:00. HE YEAH, I'LL TAKE THE SALMON,
YOU KNOW. >> YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ENMOOS. >> James: HE WAS ALREADY AT
THE HOSPITAL. >> WE GOT A TEXT AT 4 A.M. SAYING HE WAS ON HIS WAY. >> James: OH MY GOD. >> YEAH, PROBABLY ALREADY
HAPPENED AT SOME POINT. >> James: WE SHOULD PROBABLY
JUST SAY, WILL YOU FACETIME GUILLERMO. >> I ACTUALLY MY PHONE IN MY
OFFICE TODAY. >> James: DID YOU REALLY? DID YOU? THAT IS SUCH A SMART MOVE. THAT IS SUCH A SMART MOVE, MAN. DID WE HEAR ANYTHING BACK FROM
PATTI LUPONE? >> NO. >> James: HAS THE SHOW HEARD
ANYTHING FROM PATTI LUPONE. >> WE HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING
FROM PATTI LUPONE. >> James: I'M SO
EXMIGHT-- EXCITED TO WATCH GUILLERMO MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH
AT THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW. I AM FINDING IT A LITTLE
OVERWHELMING. AND NOT ONLY THAT,
SO, THIS IS EXCITING-- FILLING IN FOR GUILLERMO ON
THE DRUMS TONIGHT, IT'S OUR VERY OWN PRODUCER AND ORIGINAL
DRUMMER FOR THE BEASTIE BOYS, KATE SCHELLENBACH! IS ON THE SHOW. OH MY GOSH. (APPLAUSE)
IN ADDITION TO BEING A FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE BEASTIE BOYS,
KATE IS ALSO IN THE BAND LUSCIOUS JACKSON, WHICH REALLY
BEGS THE QUESTION-- IT REALLY DOES BEG THE QUESTION,
WHY IS GUILLERMO OUR DRUMMER? WHY IS IT NOT KATE THE WHOLE
TIME? I MEAN HOW ARE YOU FEELING UP
THERE, KATE. >> I FEEL GOOD, I'M EXCITED,. >> James: ARE YOU READY? >> I'M READY. >> James: YOU LOOK SO GOOD UP
THERE. >> THANKS. >> James: YOU LACK SO FIERCE,
AND ALSO AS A PRODUCER OF THE SHOW, YOU ARE ALREADY LIGHT
AREAS AHEAD OF THE BAND BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO IS ON THE SHOW
TODAY. >> Reggie: THAT'S THROUGH. >> James: YOU CAN PROBABLY
NAME A GUEST OFS WHAT ON LAST WEEK AND I KNOW FOR A FACT NOT
ONE OF THEM CAN. >> BENEDICT COMER BATCH. >> James: BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH, LOOK, SHE IS IN. LIGHTNING FAST, YOU KNOW WHAT I
SEE WHEN I LOOK AT THE BAND, HIGH TIDE RAISES ALL THE BOATS,
THAT IS WHAT I SEE, NOW KATE, ARE YOU READY WITH YOUR RIM
SHOT. >> Reggie: CLASSIC. >> James: OKAY DON'T-- THAT IS
HOW MULTITAL EPTED EVERYONE HERE IS AT THE "LATE, LATE SHOW." AFTER THE BREAK, IAN'S GOING TO
TREAT US TO SOME OF HIS POLITICAL BEAT POETRY. POLITICAL BEAT POETRY. POLITICAL BEAT POETRY. >> WAR, PEACHES, HICHI TEA,
TIME, TIME TO GO, TIME TO VOTE. TIME TO JOE, BIDEN HIS TIME. >> James: WOW. >> James: LOOK AT THAT. COULD WE, WILL YOU KEEP US
UPDATED IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR THE
NEXT SIX HOURS. IF ANYTHING. >> GUILLERMO WISE OR PATTI
LUPONEWISE I'M ON IT. >> James: OKAY, AND CAN
SOMEONE GO AND GET DAVE'S PHONE? >> THE WILL, THAT IS JUST OUR
NEW, THAT IS NOT THE NEWS, THE POPULATION OF AMERICA IS WAITING
UP FOR, THEY'RE WAITING FOR THE NEWS. (LAUGHTER)
>> WOW. >> James: DAVE, WHEN DID THIS,
WHEN DID THAT FLURRY AT THE TOP COME IN? >> I WROTE IT. I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT. (LAUGHTER). >> Reggie: WROTE IT LAST
NIGHT, HE WROTE IT. >> James: ALL RIGHT, LET'S
THRIE IT AGAIN. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS. >> James: GOOD EVENING. AND THIS-- IS THIS-- DO YOU
THINK, ROB, DO YOU THINK DURING THE MONO, DURING THE APPROXIMATE
MONO, WE ARE THE NATION'S NEWS. WE ARE THE MOUTH PIECE. SHOULD WE START GETTING A KIE
RON, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? >> LET'S GET A CHIRON FOR NEWS,
WEATHER, THE 100 INDEX, THAT SORT OF STUFF. >> WE CAN START DOING THAT. >> James: ALL RIGHT, GREAT. >> THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE WANT IS
MORE NEWS FROM YOU. >> James: THEY JUST SEEM TO
WANT MORE NEWS IN GENERAL. THERE IS NEVER-- THERE'S NEVER
BEEN, NEWS HAS NEVER BEEN MORE EASILY ACCESSIBLE AND YET PEOPLE
JUST WANT NEWS. >> YEAH. >> James: THAT IS WHAT THEY
ARE HERE FOR. THAT IS WHY MINE AND-- DID YOU
CHANGE YOUR HAIR? WHAT HAS HAPPENED? >> I HAVEN'T WASHED IT SO-- . >> James: RIGHT. >> IN IS HOW IT LOOKS WHEN IT'S
UNWASHED. >> James: HOW OFTEN DO YOU
WASH YOUR HAIR. >> MAYBE LIKE EVERY THREE OR
FOUR DAYS. >> James: RIGHT. YOU KNOW, I NEVER WASH MY HAIR. >> Reggie: I'M GLAD YOU DON'T. SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT. >> James: NO. >> Reggie: HE ASKED ME. >> James: ALL RIGHT. THIS IS EXCITING. PRESIDENT BIDEN GAVE HIS FIRST
OFFICIAL PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY. HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ONE SOONER,
BUT HE SPENT A FULL MONTH DECIDING IF HE SHOULD CALL ON
REPORTERS WITH A POINT, A FINGER GUN, OR A WINK. HE LANDED ON ALL THREE. BIDEN ANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE BORDER AND VOTING RIGHTS, AND EVEN ASKED A FEW QUESTIONS
OF HIS OWN, LIKE "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"
AND "WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?" AT ONE POINT, BIDEN MENTIONED
HIS TIME IN THE SENATE. AND TO BE HONEST, HE'S EVEN MORE
EXPERIENCED THAN I THOUGHT. >> I BELIEVE WE SHOULD GO BACK
TO A POSITION OF FILIBUSTER THAT EXISTED JUST WHEN I CAME IN THE
UNITED STATES SENATE, 120 YEARS AGO. >> WOW. >> James: COMICALLY SPEAKING
IT SHOULD BE A LESS BELIEVABLE NUMBER OF YEARSES. ALTHOUGH I LIKE IT. I HOPE BIDEN FULLY LEANS INTO
COMEDY ON THIS, BRINGS OUT A STOOL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
WITH A LITTLE GLASS OF WATER, SITS ON THE STOOL, YOU KNOW,
PASS LEGISLATION ON HOW DATING IS WEIRD NOW ADAYS
THEN LATER, BIDEN WAS ASKED ABOUT RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION,
AND THE SUBJECT OF DONALD TRUMP CAME UP. AND IT CAUSED BIDEN TO GET A
LITTLE NOSTALGIC. ARE YOU DECIDED WHETHER YOU
WOULD RUN FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024, YOU HAVEN'T SET UP A
RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN YET AS YOUR PREDECESSOR HAD BY THIS TIMES
>> MY PREDECESSOR NEEDED TO. MY PREDECESSOR. (/<i> LAUGHS/</i> )
OH GOD, I MISS HIM. (/<i> LAUGHTER/</i> )
>> James: I TELL YOU WHAT, >> James: MALARKEY ALERT! THE ONLY THING COLDER THAN
CALLING HIM "MY PREDECESSOR" WOULD BE BIDEN GOING "THE GUY
THAT LIVED HERE BEFORE ME-- WHO WAS IT. I CAN'T THINK OF HIS NAME NO
NOW. BUT HE NEEDED TO
AT ANOTHER POINT, BIDEN TRIED TO DISCUSS HIS LEGISLATIVE AGENDA,
BUT IT DIDN'T GO SO WELL. >> SO THE BEST WAY TO GET
SOMETHING DONE, IF YOU HOLD NEAR AND DEAR TO YOU THAT YOU LIKE TO
BE ABLE TO-- ANYWAY, WE'RE READY TO GET A LOT
DONE. >> James: LOOK, IT DIDN'T END
WITH A STORY ABOUT THAT TIME HE WENT TO A MALT SHOP, SO I'LL
CALL IT A WIN. I DO. IN OTHER POLITICAL SNUS SENATOR
BERNIE SANDERS WILL BE IN ALABAMA TO TALK UNIONIZATION
WITH WORKERS AT AN AMAZON FULFILLMENT CENTER IT IS A
SHAME, IF THEY SIGNED UP FOR BERNIE PRIME HE WOULD HAVE
ARRIVED TODAY. DID YOU LIKE THAT, THAT WAS A
NICE LITTLE CHUCK EL. THERE WAS A LOT OF THAT ON HIS
FACE, THAT WAS REAL, I LIKED IT. HOW ARE YOU FEELING, KAILT,
FEELING PRETTY GOOD. >> FEELS GOOD. >> James: FEELING GOOD. ANY NEWS. >> NOTHING HAS COME IN YET. >> James: ARE YOU FACE TIMING
HIM. >> OH GOD, THAT IS INTERESTING. >> James: FACE TIME GUILLERMO,
SEE IF HE PICKS UP. >> Reggie: YEAH, GIVE HIM A
TRY, GOOD LUCK. >> James: FACE TIME GUILLERMO. >> OH MY GOD. >> James: IF HE IS HOLDING A
BABY, I WILL CRY MY EYES OUT. G! (LAUGHTER)
>> HE SAW YOU AND HUNG UP. >> GET READY FOR A TEXT. >> James: HE'S CALLING BACK,
HE'S CALLING BACK. G, WHAT IS GOING DOWN? >> SORRY, MAN, WE ARE STILL
WAITING. WE'RE STILL WAITING. >> James: STILL WAITING. >> YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE
INTERRUPTING MY LUNCH, I'M TAKING A LUNCH BREAK. >> James: HANG ON, WHAT YOU
ARE SAYING IS YOU COULD HAVE TECHNICALLY DONE THE SHOW? (LAUGHTER)
IMAGINE IF GUILLERMO HAD ANSWERED AND WAS ON THE BEACH. WELL LISTEN, WE ARE THINKING
ABOUT YOU. WE'RE SO EXCITED FOR WHAT IS
ABOUT TO BEGIN FOR YOU. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MAN. AND KATE IS AMAZING SO YOU ARE
ALSO UNEMPLOYED BUT GOOD LUCK. LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BUDDY,
EVERYBODY, GUILLERMO IS DOING IT, WE LOVE YOU. SEE YOU, MAN. BYE. LOVEIA. I LOVE A BABY. I DO. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE, LIKE WHEN
IT'S PEOPLE'S FIRST CHILD, CUZ THE THING WITH KID IS THE
INDIFFERENCE, THE INDIFFERENCE THAT YOU REALIZE YOU HAD AND
YOUR FRIENDS HAVE THAT DON'T HAVE KIDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GO OH, THIS IS
MY KID, OH S THAT THE NEW IPHONE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN. ONCE YOU HAVE THEM ARE YOU LIKE
OH MY GOD. AND THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW, THAT
IS HAPPENING TO GUILLERMO. ALL RIGHT, HAS EVERYBODY HEARD
ABOUT THE MASSIVE CARGO SHIP THAT BLOCKED THE SUEZ CANAL? WELL, IT'S STILL THERE BLOCKING
TRAFFIC AND A PRINTOUT OF THE CAPTAIN'S ROUTE HAS GONE VIRAL
TODAY. SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHY? THAT'S REAL, LOOK AT THAT. CLEARLY HE IS NOT THE BEST SEA
CAPTAIN BUT DAMMIT I APPRECIATE HIS ARTISTIC AESTHETIC, DON'T
YOU? IT LOOKS LIKE THE CAPTAIN OF A
SHIP CHECKING THINGS OFF HIS BUCKET LIST, OKAY, DRAW A GIANT
BUTT AND PENIS CHECK, NEXT UP, SLAM THE BRAKE AND TAKE A SWEET
360 IN THIS CANAL. BUT CAP IF CAPTAIN KARMEL WAS IN
CHARGE OF THAT SHIP AND HAD THOSE POWERS WHAT WOULD HE HAVE
DRAWN. >> SOME BOOBS, YOU KNOW, GET A
LITTLE-- A LITTLE EQUAL REPRESENTATION. THAT IS A LOT OF PENIS BUT YOU
KNOW, BOOBS IN THERE TOO. >> AND
AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS. EASTER IS AROUND THE CORNER,
AND IN HONOR OF THE HOLIDAY, PEPSI HAS JUST ANNOUNCED A
LIMITED-EDITION PEEPS-FLAVORED LINE OF MARSHMALLOW SODAS. MARSHMALLOW PEEPS SODA. IT'S IRONIC THAT THIS IS BEING
RELEASED FOR EASTER, BECAUSE IT'S THE THING THAT MAKES ME
MOST QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF GOD. HERE IS MY THING THOUGH, LIKE, I
DON'T WORK IN MAR CONNECTED, OKAY. THAT'S NOT, YOU THEY, THAT IS
NOT WHERE I HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT MY TIME NOR HAVE I BEEN ASKED
TO. BUT I DO FEAL LIKE IF IT IS A
COMBINATION OF PEEPS AND PEPSI SHOULD IT NOT JUST BE CALLED
PEEPSI? >> James: WELCOME BACK, NOW
BEFORE WE FINISH TONIGHT'S SHOW WE'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, NOT
ABOUT GUILLERMO BABY, NO NEWS THERE, HOWEVER DISEURG THIS
SHOW, WHEN WE WERE TALKING TO CHRISSY, DAVE WENT TO GET HIS
PHONE, AND DAVE I BELIEVE, WE HAVE AN UPDATE, YES. >> HAVE I AN UPDATE, I HAVE AN
EMAIL FROM PATTI LUPONE. >> James: AN EMAIL FROM PATTI
LUPONE WHAT DOES IT SAY. >> IT SAYS DARLING DAVE, I WOULD
LOVE TO HAVE ANYTHING WITH YOU. CALL ME, PS, YOU KNOW JAMES IS
GOING TO ASK IF I LEFT YOU MAY NUMBER. TELL HIM YES. >> James: OH MY GOD. YES, LOOK AT THIS. A BURGEONING FRIENDSHIP. DAVE V A GREAT BRUNCH WITH PATTI
LUPONE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. REGGIE, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. TAKE US HOME, EVERYBODY.
