- Do you guys have roller skates? - I think we have a pair round. - Uh-huh, lemme ask you a question. How fast do you think you have to be going on roller skates to get past
a couple of armed guards and still be going fast enough to smash through a safe door? - One of those big bank safes? - No. I don't, I don't know. Yeah, yeah? (curtains whooshing) ♪ All I want is ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪ (curtains whooshing) (footsteps plodding) - It is so good to see you, Keith, ah. - Yeah, we usually have to
wait for a special occasion. - Well, actually, I
have a little surprise. I got engaged.
(plate thudding) - Oh. - Oh, oh.
(father laughing) (mother laughing) (mother squealing) - Oh, son. - Ooh, thanks, dad. (hands clapping) - Whoo-hoo. Yes.
(hands clapping) Wow.
(dishes clinking) Congratulations, little bro (laughs). Engaged, kind of a big deal. More for me, I guess. That's what that means. (Keith clears throat) - Yes, well, um, she got a name? - Uh, Stephanie. - Marriage is a wonderful journey. - 50% end in divorce. Sorry, bro, them's just the facts. - I will, uh, I will keep
that in mind, thank you. - You got a photo? - Oh, yeah. - AKA does she exist?
(utensil clinking) - (clears throat) There you go. (father whistles) - Mm (laughs). (mother gasps) - Oh, she's beautiful. - Too. - Let me get eyes on this. Everybody else already, great lighting. It's airbrushed? - Uh, no. - She kinda looks like that one model, uh, on "The Price Is Right." - Uh, yes, uh, that's her (laughs). - "The Price Is Right"? Clive, that's your show. - Shut up, ma. No, it's not. Ah, yeah, Stephanie. - Mm-hmm. (Clive sniffs) - People always underbid on her showcases, not the best presenter. (Clive slurping) - Where's the wedding? - Oh, uh, in Hawaii. - Oh.
- [Keith] Yep. (Clive laughing) - Oh.
(hands clapping) Awesome, whoo-hoo. Mele Kalikimaka. (mother coughs) She ever been married before? - Uh, no. - So she says. Ex-boyfriends, she got one? - Of course. - Sloppy seconds at least, right, dad? - Keith, she sounds wonderful. - Thank you, mom. - Shut up, mom. Silence from you. - [Keith] Okay.
- You're cut off from talking. (utensil clinking) - You know what, Clive? I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to mom. (utensil clinking) (hands clapping)
(Clive laughing) - Yes, yes. The prodigal son hath returned. You know what? You want to go? Let's go 'cause I've been here for the last 15 years
taking care of mom and dad while you've been trollpsing
all over the world, and why? So you can come back here and criticize me for how I treat them? - No, I actually came here to ask you if you would do me the
honor of being my best man. (utensil clinking)
(wistful music) - Oh. (Clive snorts) - I know that we have,
uh, had our differences, but you're my older brother. (Clive snorting) We, we'll pay for your room, and, and we're also gonna rent you a car. (Clive sobs) And, and, and we'll pay
to fly you out there. (utensils clinking) (Clive inhales and exhales) - First class. - Well, we, we can't afford first class. - Well, fuck you. You're dead to me. (utensils clinking) - [Mother] Clive. - [Clive] Shut up, mom. I'm eating in my room. (footsteps plodding) (Father sighs) - Well, that, uh, that
went better than expected. (mother clicks tongue) - I think so. - Yeah.
(curtains whooshing) - Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother
move into the neighborhood. - Hey, man, it's good to have you over, and I think that you will dig this. - All right. (beer sloshing) Hey. - Huh? - Nice guitar collection.
(hands thudding) - Oh, thanks, man. Hey, you want to hear something? - Yeah, sure.
- All right, all right. All right, let's get this (indistinct). ♪ Well, I'm just a good old American boy ♪ ♪ With a heart that's
red, white, and true ♪ ♪ I'm dreaming of the girl with
the red hair and freckles ♪ ♪ And her eyes like the skies of blue ♪ - Country music. - Yeah, I grew up in Texas, you know, so. - All right. ♪ Keep her safe from the homies
in the wrong side of town ♪ ♪ Where they're smoking their
reefer and acting like clowns ♪ ♪ Keep that pretty white dress
from getting dirty and brown ♪ ♪ 'Cause that's the American way ♪ - Whoo-hoo (laughs). - Oh, pretty racist song. (both laughing) - Racist, against who? - Uh, Black people. - Black people? But, but I'm Black (laughs). - Well, keeping the redheaded girl away from the homies on
the wrong side of town. - Homies? Come on, brother, there's
all kinds of homies, you know, you, white homies, Asian homies. - No, homies are Black. - No, I, I think you're
making 'em Black, man. I mean, that, I think that's your stuff. You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist. But that's, that's just
what country music is like. Here, look, you're, you're
gonna like this one. You'll like this one. - All right. ♪ Some folks wear their
hats way off to the side ♪ ♪ With their pants down low
and a gun tucked inside ♪ ♪ Take their beer by the 40
and their chicken deep fried ♪ ♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪ ♪ The only dark I like is
when I turn off the lights ♪ ♪ The only hood I love
is pointy and white ♪ ♪ Can't trust ya if I can't
see your face at night ♪ ♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪ - Hey, wait, hey, stop that. That's racist. - What's, what, what is racist about it? - The only hood I love
is pointy and white? - Yeah, man. - That's talking about the Klan, man. - The Ku Klux Klan? Are you outside of your mind? That's traditional country
music imagery, man, like a, a pickup truck, or
sleeping under the stars, or your dog got killed, or
your wife left you, same thing. - I woulda been fine
with any of those things. - What is the difference between those things
and what is in the song? - They're not racial. - Hey, you know what? Can I just say something, man? I'm just gonna be frank. You're getting a little
like Al Sharpton, like- - Oh, my- - Farrakhan on me right now, man. - I think you, like-
- Oh, my God. Are you serious? - No, dude, dude, please. Hey, gimme, you know, can I do one more? Lemme just do one more, dawg. I absolutely promise you
that this song is not racist, and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such. - Okay, it seems like you're about to sing the most racist song so far. - I'm not. ♪ Hi diddle eye, diddle eye, diddle ee ♪ ♪ Get me a rope and find me a tree ♪ - Okay, I'm out.
(bottle thudding) - Come on, man. Hey, shoot.
(footsteps plodding) Over here trying to
sing about a tire swing. Gonna write off an entire genre of music. ♪ The banjos are strumming,
and the drums are a banging ♪ ♪ Let's get the boys together
and have ourselves a hanging ♪ Oh, damn. Now, I see it, now, I see it. (curtains whooshing) - So, you can say as much
as you want, but you- - But you can't say the
name of the celebrity or any part of their name, got it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it. - Oh, we got it. We, we-
- Oh, you are so gonna lose. - Oh, babe, you're going down.
- Oh. - Why don't you start the timer- - That's what I said.
- and be amazed. - And go. (timer ticking)
(paper rustling) - Okay, this guy, uh,
uh, E equals mc squared. - Oh, Albert Einstein. - Yes, that is correct. - Oh, that's not fair.
- What, easy, hello? - Oh, okay, this is, this is the, uh, the, uh, the Terminator. - Oh, the, uh, Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, okay, okay, we
got, we got, uh, uh, my man talk about, um,
uh, are you talking to me? - Oh, the, uh-
- Are you talking to me? - Robert De Niro.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, so this person,
uh, pretended to be straight, but he's really gay. - Me. (timer ticking) (birds chirping) - Uh, uh, he is, um,
(clears throat) excuse me. He's living, living la vida loca. (timer ticking) - Me. - It's-
- Me, again. - Okay, okay. - He's a Latin pop star. (timer ticking) - I'm not a Latin pop star. - No, you are not. (timer ticking)
It's not you. He bangs, he bangs. - Oh, Ricky Martin. (timer ticking) - That is correct. - I wrote that one, too. (timer ringing) (curtains whooshing) (presidential music) - Good evening, my fellow Americans. Now, before we begin, I,
I'd like to once again introduce you to my
anger translator, Luther. - Hi. - Now, this November, I want
each and every one of you to ask yourselves, what has
changed in the last four years? - Who killed Osama bin Laden? - What has my administration accomplished? - Did we accomplish killing
America's biggest enemy? Uh, check, did that, boom. - In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did in
all eight years of his office. - Except for Osama bin Laden hunter because that job don't exist anymore 'cause I went over there,
and I killed him in his face. - We helped him make healthcare accessible to more Americans than ever before. - I'm sorry, what'd you say? Uh, your World Trade center hurts? Then, why don't you
take two dead bin Ladens and call me in the morning, bitch? - This election, make the decision that you think best serves
the future of this country. - Or, you can eat a dum-dum
sandwich and just vote for the person who didn't
kill Osama bin Laden. But why would you do it?
(feet thudding) Why would you do it? (footsteps plodding) Oh, Goddamn. - I plan to run a clean campaign, one based on the issues
and the accomplishments of my administration.
(hands smacking) - Mm-hmm, but I'm gonna
tell you right now, if the Republicans, if they
had caught Osama bin Laden, there wouldn't even be an election, man. They'd just put a crown on his
head, and give him a castle, and just call him the king
of America, and that'd be it. I said (speaking gibberish). - All right, all right, all right.
- Hmm, what? Just, you know, bring
it down the notch there. - Okay, come on, Luther, man, you're straight up outta control, brother. - Well, uh, it's not that bad. - Okay, don't beat yourself up. It's okay. (Obama coughing) - Excuse me. - Can a (censored) get a lozenge? - Now, Luther, you, you,
you can't say that word. - Oh, actually, it says right here I can say it whenever I want. (clothes rustling) - I guess I can say it, too. Good night, my (censored). (presidential music) (curtains whooshing) - So, I have finished the kitchen. I have finished my bedroom. - Whoo.
- I have finished the office. (door clattering) And I'm just wrapping up the living room. - Okay, so you're, I'll
get pack-a-lacking. - I love it, I love it. - Uh, mind if I put on some music? - I do not. - All right.
- I do not. - I got this new dubstep - Uh, dubstep, uh, what is that? I don't know what that is. - Oh dude, you're gonna love it. - Oh, cool, cool man. (stereo beeps) (mellow electronic music) I like this. - Wait for the drop. - I'm sorry, the drop? (high-intensity dubstep music) What is happening? - What? - What is this? - [Friend] I can't hear you. (Wally gasping) - What is that? - The music? - I'm sorry, is that music? - Oh, yeah, dude, that's the dubstep, man. That's my jam. - Well, it's, it's a little,
uh, loud and disorienting, and you know, you're being a
little rough with my things. - Rough with, dude, your stuff is fine. - (gasps) Why am I sweating so much? - Because you're feeling it. - Is that a good thing? - Yes. Come on man. Just give it another shot. - (sighs) Okay, okay, I will (exhales). (stereo beeps)
(high-intensity dubstep music) (books clattering) - Whoa, dude, you're
totally jacking my flow up. - Dude, your nose is bleeding,
and so is mine (gasping). - (laughing) Awesome. - It doesn't really seem
like music to me (gasping). - Okay, wow. Wally getting a little bit old. - No, don't do that.
- All right. - Come on. - No, didn't realize that. Okay, um, yeah, what would
you rather listen to? I can hook you up with some Hootie & the
Blowfish if that's your- - Oh, that's funny. - Is that good? Want some Color Me Badd? - You know what? Go ahead, I don't care. I, I see what you're doing. Go ahead and play it. I don't care because I'm not that old. I can get into it, okay? We just, let's just get this stuff packed. Play it. (stereo beeps)
(high-intensity dubstep music) (Wally screaming) (friend screaming) (body thudding) (alarm blaring)
(Wally groaning) I think I'm getting it. - Yeah (laughs). (curtains whooshing) - Okay, but, uh, do I look in the camera? No, oh, at you, all right. (Parnabus laughing)
(brooding music) Back on television, all right. (brooding music continues) (air whooshing) (light beams whizzing) - Oh. - Oh. (shockwave blasting) - Oh. - Now, knock it off, all
the stupid-ass, grab-ass, and touchy-feely (censored). Goddamn. I told you they was rotten. (brooding music continues) - I am, uh, Parnabus Jackson,
uh, principal here at Clortho, uh, Vince Clortho High, uh. This, uh, station's just a formality.
(detector whirring) - Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week. (box clattering) - Stuff? You don't have to show them that. - Here's a wand with a silencer on it. Why? But I ask again, why? One outta five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby. - That's-
- One outta five. - [Parnabus] Okay (laughs). - [Lester] Ain't no denying it. - The babies are evil, but, uh, the mothers, they're good kids. As we said, Clortho's,
uh, there's never a portal that cannot be opened with
ingenuity and respect. (spray can hissing) Now (sighs). (cloak chiming) - How you gonna be
using an invisible cloak when I can see ya tagging the damn wall? (Parnabus laughing) Dime bag of pixie dust, pss, contraband. - Now, see, here's the thing. The kids know that the only way to fly- - Wizard pepper. - Unbelievable. - Mm-hmm.
(container thudding) - Get your out my office. I will turn you into a spider. They're good kids. (bell ringing) Hogwarts and Clortho's, Clortho's and Hogwarts,
(shockwave blasting) they go hand in hand, the best top two wizarding
schools there are, but you know, uh, outta these two schools, we each have our strengths. We do score a little bit lower on, uh, standardized tests
(siren wailing) than Hogwarts, but there
is a cultural bias. We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts. And yes, uh, some of the teachers have to buy their own newts
eyes, or bat wings, or- - One kid got transformed into a cat. They can't even afford to change him back. - This young man's name is Jamar. (cat purring) Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this when they're in human form. But, uh, when they're a
cat, we just have at it. (students chattering indistinctly) Sports, everybody loves sports. It's true.
- Not everybody. - The hallways are a bluster
(sneakers squeaking) with the conversation
of our quidditch team. - Half the team is back here riding mops. We got two little (censored) on a Swiffer. - Lester. (broom whooshing) When all this said and done, uh, the average Clortho student,
uh, said, this mother. (Parnabus laughing) Sometimes the kids think
it's cute to turn themselves into a rat, (laughs) sneak into my office, play a little joke on me. Who is that? Tyrone, is that, is that,
no, that's an actual rat. (curtains whooshing) (hand knocking) (buzzer blaring) (door clattering) (counter clattering) - Hey, man, how you doing there? You guys got bow and arrows? - Yeah.
- Yeah? (hand thudding) (footsteps plodding) Oh, yeah, oh, that's it. Yeah, there it is there. There, that'll do it. That's gonna do it, yep. Where are the arrows at? (clears throat) Yeah, you got, you guys got M-80s? - We don't carry fireworks. - Damn. You have, uh, you have
something else that's explosive that I could tape to the end of an arrow? - We have shotgun shells- - Uh-huh, oh.
- but I feel, I have to ask, are you planning to attach those to arrows and use them as a weapon? - What, no, what are you crazy? (laughs) You think that
would work, though? What, what, what if I
shot explosive arrows through a window to break 'em open? - Sir, I feel like I have to ask you what you're planning to use these for. - Oh, no, I'm not planning to do anything. I'm just, just, just Christmas shopping. I'm getting a, you got zip lines? - Nope. - But you got, like, hooks,
and anchors, and cables? - We got some of those things, but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line. - Oh, I'm not doing that, no. Let's say somebody was
manufacturing their own zip line. - Mm-hmm. - Do you think if they
busted some windows open on a building somehow,
then fired the zip line off a bow and arrow, and
it attached to the wall of said building that they could just ride the zip line into the building? - I have no idea. Sir, whatever you are planning
on doing, please don't do it. - I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not doing anything. I'm just doing some Christmas shopping. I'm trying to get it out of the way. The bow and arrow's for my nephew. The zip line's for my grandmother,
et cetera, and whatnot. You know what I'm saying there? It's nothing, no big deal. Speaking of other things,
do you guys have just the, uh, top half of a knight in armor? - First of all, it's
called a suit of armor. - Oh, yep, that's it. That's right, that's
what I'm meant to say. - We have one, but it's sold in a complete set.
- Oh. - Yep, yep. - Yep.
- Yeah, well, the person it's for, they only need the, they don't need the, they
just need the top half. They don't need the legs. - Mm-hmm. - Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you? What, what would the chances you think they'd try to shoot your legs? - I feel like I have to tell you that a suit of armor
will not deflect bullets. - I'll take my chances with Christmas, which brings me, uh, to my next question. Do you guys have roller skates? - I think we have a pair round. - Uh-huh, lemme ask you a question. How fast do you think I have
to be going on roller skates to get past a couple of armored guards and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door? - One of those big bank safes? - No. I don't, I don't know. Yeah, yeah? Uh, hey, you guys got
one of those, you know, just one of those big bags with a dollar sign on the side of it? - Okay. - (clears throat) Yeah. - You're gonna shoot arrows
with shotgun shells attached to 'em to a bank window
to blow out the glass. Then, you're gonna shoot a
zip line through that window, and you're gonna slide
on into the hallway. You're gonna be wearing roller
skates so you can just skate on past the armed guards,
who will be shooting at you, and you're gonna hope that
they both won't hit your legs, and if they are aiming at your torso, the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets. Then, you're gonna hope to
gather enough speed to burst through the big bank vault
at the end of the hallway where you're gonna collect the
money in a cartoon money bag. - Well, no, I'm just an uncle who's buying some (censored) for Christmas, and I, uh, think I'll take
my business elsewhere. Okay, merry Christmas. - It's April. (bell chimes) (funky music) ♪ All I want is ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪
