(upbeat theme music) (tense music)
(knives sharpening) - Drew come forward. - Yes Chef. This is a chicken
quiche with cremini mushrooms, baby spinach and feta cheese. - Unbelievable.
(tense music builds) Well Drew, I have a huge
problem with this dish. It's that you haven't
made it for me sooner. (upbeat music)
- Thank you Chef. - Because if you had Drew, then I would know how good
you are at cooking food, that's bad.
(tense music) - I'm sorry, Chef. - And when I say bad, I
mean Michael Jackson bad. (upbeat music)
- Thank you Chef. - You know how he
look really really bad at the end of his life?
(tense music) - Chef? I'm sorry. I don't know if
you like the dish or not. - You don't know if I
like the dish or not? Well let's put it this way. Pack your (beep) knives, get
out, you're off the show. - Sorry Chef. - Because... You should be working in the
finest restaurant in the world. (upbeat music)
- Thank you chef. - Just not any world
that I live in. (tense music)
- Sorry Chef. - Because frankly Drew,
I'm jealous of you. (upbeat music)
- Thank you Ch-Chef. - And your ability to not give
a (beep) about what you cook. This is not fit for
human consumption! No, this should be eaten
by a higher life form with a more complex palette, but also an altruistic drive to save humanity from
dishes like this. Joking.
(upbeat music) Not!
(tense music) You deserve to die! (knife stabbing) So you won't have
to endure a life in which you will never exceed what you have
achieved here today. (upbeat music) - Thank you Chef. (body thuds) - In conclusion.
(tense music) Eh... (energetic metal music) - Hey, as far as I'm
concerned, this Saturday night, this not even going
to be a fight. Ima mercy kill this old man. - Derek is very rude person,
but soon he will learn manners. I will torture his body, so that his soul
learns to be humble. - I'm gonna dance around him, while he tries to
hit me with his cane. Old man. - God chose me for this fight. God is the teacher. Derek is the student and
I am God's instrument. When I squeeze your lungs,
Derek, and you beg me for life, then your heart will
open up to the Lord. - I'm going to knock
him out round one bitch. Wait, what did he say again? That God chose him? That doesn't even
make sense really? - When you eat
through plastic tube, when you are paralyzed
from neck down, then your family will gather
around your hospital bed, to see the new day. - Okay. He, he know we
just talking here, right? I mean, we just... Getting people interested
in the fight because, I'm, I'm sorry. Ts
this (beep) crazy? - God's lessons
are so beautiful. - God's lessons are beautiful? I'm sorry who put
this fight together? This is ju... Well, how I do... If y'all got an
actual crazy person, for me to fight, well,
that's not fair to me. Or him. (he prays in foreign language) What you mean you
can't find him? Well were is he? Yo man, where my
manager at? Steve? How's it- (bodies thud) (energetic metal music) - [Announcer] Today
on "Judge Jessie", Judge Jessie turns up the heat. - You signed a piece of
paper. He gave you the snake. Then you bring a
snake into the home, with two small chihuahuas! - I had not been made
aware that the snake would get rid of his skin. And then the
sprinklers came down, but the snake then
ruined my carpet. - [Judge Jessie] What, what
set off the sprinklers? - Unrelated popcorn
fire, Your Honor. - [Announcer] Judge Jessie. As a police officer, he
defended the streets. As a trial lawyer... - Objection! - [Announcer] He
fought for the truth. As a black belt...
(Judge Jessie screaming) - He mastered discipline. As a carpenter, he learned
the value of craftsmanship. As a surgeon, he
mastered a cool head. As a crack ho, He learned
to go days without sleep. And as an announcer, he does
the voiceover on this show. Coming up, on Judge Jessie Mr. Simmons, before you speak, I know from experience
that the police have completely
mishandled your case and there's legal
precedent for you to win and any good defense attorney
would've told you that. I also know that obviously
the place where you hurt your back wasn't
structurally up
to code Mr. Oyama, and furthermore, as a sensei, you should know a
man of his skillset cannot do a Mai Keage
you should know that. Obviously I can tell by
looking at your alignment, that you've herniated a disc
someplace in your L4 your L5, I'm finding for the
plaintiff, not $2,500, $2,700. Mr. Oyama.
(gavel bangs) - Thank you, Your Honor. - You're quite welcome.
(lighter clicks) - [Announcer] Judge Jessie. - Dusty, can I suck your (beep)? - No, no, no.
- Yes. - Here's the thing.
Here's the thing. - Okay.
- Okay. I guarantee you.
I guarantee you. If you look at Obamacare
25 years from now, and you look at the number
of enrollees in that program- - No, no, no listen,
you've got me wrong, You've got it wrong. You have to look at
the amount of people enrolled in the
healthcare system, and the tremendous effect
that it has on the economy. - You're missing the point.
You are missing that point. What you have to do,
what you have to do, is look at the tremendous effect that Obamacare is having
on the US economy, and in addition, you have to look at
the government bailouts of the auto industry and
the banking industry. - You've got it wrong,
you've got it wrong. - I've got it wrong?
- So wrong. You have to look at the effect
on the banking industry, as well as the auto industry
my friend, when you do- - The bottom line...
- The only conclusion... - [Both] Is that
Obama is a disaster. Are you a Republican? Yes. - I would like to apologize
for this programming mistake. In the future, we will do
better at choosing our guests, here on "Diametrically Opposed". (lively theme music) (energetic hip hop music) - We met B boy Joseph
in Atlanta, GA. - Hi, Joseph! - Wassup. - Start the music (hip hop music) - Has he started yet? - I'm pretty sure this is it. (hip hop music continues) Thank you. - Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah. - I ain't done yet though. - Thank you, Joseph. It's it's definitely
a no for me. - It's a no, I'm sorry. - No. - All right. Thank you, Joseph. - Thank you. - Because you know, I-I
ain't got no formal training or nothing like that, I
learned on the streets. - That was very apparent,
as it turns out, Joseph, thank you for coming. - You know that my-my
mama was on drugs and my daddy in jail. - It's not, not really relevant. - Born in a coffee
can under a bridge. - That's terrible, Joseph. That's awful, but
it's not going to- - My sister shot my brother
while my cousin beat my uncle. - Okay now its a lot.
- It's a little bit much. Joseph, thank you
very much, but- - Put myself through school by renting my body out
as a heroin suitcase. - All right.
- Wow. - I see what's going on. Joseph, please, we do have
other dancers here today who are waiting their
turn very politely. No Joseph, let her come
on stage. Let her come... No Joseph... - If I won this competition, I could put a roof
over my house, 'cause I got a house ain't
got no roof, for real though. - Joseph. - Just one little thing though. - Don't do it, Joseph. - With the vehicles
it's a loud bridge. - Don't finish that sen-. - I got hearing
damage in this ear. - Joseph! - And also in this ear.
- Joseph! - The bridge, h-have
trucks go over it. - Joseph. - Because the bridge-
- Keep it. - 15 ton.
- Hold it. Put it in your mouth,
and get off my stage. - Rated six.
- Jo- - That's a big truck. - seph. Okay, Joseph please. And who is this? - Oh, who is this right here? This is my 12 year old daughter
who I raised all by myself without the help of anybody
else in the entire world. She is my inspiration. - Joseph, it doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do or
say that's going to make us change our minds today. - That right there
that right there, that's her daughter. She blind. Come on. (judges gasp) So I raise em both by myself
without nobody else's help. - Come get your ticket to Vegas! (hip hop beat)
(Joseph cheers) - Tremendous!
- Can you believe it? I'm getting goosies over it.
I'm getting goosies, I am. - [Narrator] As Don's week at
the warehouse was wrapping up, it was time to come
clean with his employees. - Actually, everybody, got
an announcement to make. - Don't nobody wanna hear
your bull(beep) newbie. - Okay-
- Don't nobody wanna hear it! - I think you will care about
this one. So gather around. I'm not actually a new employee. - You can say that again, you a waste of space as
far as I'm concerned. Can't get nothing done in time. Like a, like a snail
over here. (laughs) - I am actually
President of the company, you're on "undercover
Boss, TV show, yeah. In this week, since I've
been working here amongst ya, I got to hear each and
every one of your stories. Just about. And uh... - You know, I was
just playing right. You know, I was just
trying to lighten the mood in the workplace and whatnot. - Okay. Thank you, Joseph. Bill. Buddy. You're telling me that
your car broke down and it hasn't been
working right ever since. Well, I wanna get you
a new Ford Explorer. - Oh my God! Thank,
thank you so much, Mark, that means so much to me. - M-my whole family
died in one day. - Thank you. - Huge car crash. Huge man. We were having a family picnic, and then this truck
just came on through, and just killed everybody. It chopped
everybody's heads off. Eleanore. You were worried that you
were not gonna be able to afford college for
your two, two boys. And I'm starting a college
fund for them both, putting $10,000 in
each one of them. - This is amazing! I'm
so grateful! (sobs) - I can't make no
family anymore, 'cause my dick got chopped
up in the accident, and now I pee out the side. Sometimes I wake up in the
middle of night I just, I start to pee. Just go right in my mouth. Sometimes poop come
out the other side. I don't even know what it... Dick is in eight pieces.
- Joseph. Okay, you know, - Please just gimme a raise, I didn't ask for no
college scholarships- - Joseph, I'm gonna get- I'm gonna get to you right? - Okay dude, did I
mention I was a prostitute since the age of 17? - 15?
- Joseph. - 10?
- Joseph. - Seven?
- Joseph. - Three?
- Joseph. - I've been the prostitute
since I was three, I was, I was a
prostitute in the womb. A dude put his pee
pee in my, in my mama, and it got inside
of me, and then, and then they gave me money. - Joseph, you have
been rude to me, since the moment I came here. - Come on, man! I was
playing with you dog! I knew you was the boss
the whole time, man! Look at this fake ass must- - Ow! That's my real
mustache, Joseph. It really hurt. Your fired. Get outta here. - I can't understand, what? - Get outta here. - I got, I got a rare condition
that make me unlikable. - No you don't, Joseph. - Lance. Lance. You've been in the urine with
me, you seen me in the urinal. - Lance, I'm sorry,
but do not engage. - Tell him my dick in pieces. - Joseph. Leave Lance alone. - It's true, so then gimme
a little bit of money. - No, it's not gonna happen. - Can I have a- - Joseph. - He did, he- - Joseph, leave
Norman out of this. - Who's Norman? - The foreman. - Norman, the foreman? - That's his name. - I know that. I work
intimately with him. - No you don't. You're fired. - All right, I'm gone. - All right. Out the
door with you, Joseph. I am sorry about that. Is he gone?
(door slams) Okay, Betty.
(gentle music) When you told me that
your father passed away, it hit me because my
father passed away. - But my Dick got
chopped up though! - Joseph!
- My Dick got chopped up. - That is so disrespectful
Joseph, what are you doing? I thought you left Joseph. - Like gristle off a
Thanksgiving turkey. - You're lying.
- I got a gristle dick! - Joseph that's
wildly inappropriate. - Straight meat gristle. It's hanging out here,
right here right now. You can't see- - Joseph! - [Narrator] Coming up... - You know, you have
so many siblings and just to know that we
both share a familial bond, and that there's nothing
that can take that away. - But my dick got chopped up- - Joseph! - Where, how did you... (Gene snorting)
- Let me through! This is (beep) Gene. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the matter Reg? - In the next episode, Steve Urkel turns Carl
into a giant sandwich and accidentally eats him? - (laughs) What, that's
hilarious buddy, it's hilarious! - Come on! I'm an actor Gene! This was supposed to be
about me and my family. - I know, but you know, after that first guest
spot with Steve Urkel, I mean, America fell
in love with him, man, we had to make him
a regular and I- You know, hey, listen, he's the star of the
show now sweetheart. We gotta play Bubalah! - Don't you dare
"Bubalah" me Gene! Now last week, Steve used his
transformation machine to turn Carl into a car, and drive him around
the Monaco Grand Prix? Come on! How many times we going to use
this transformation machine? This was supposed to be a
blue collar "Cosby Show". Now you turning it
into "Quantum Leap". Who writes this (beep)? - I, I couldn't tell you
even if I wanted to okay? We got like 21 writers up there, okay, you know what
I'm saying Reginald? But you and I both know that they don't decide what
happens in the show, okay, we both know who decides
what happens in the show. - Two weeks ago, Steve Urkel
used his invisibility ray on Carl, and I wasn't even
in the goddamn episode! It was just my voice! - Yes I known I know
Reg and I'm sorry, I (beep) apologize,
it'll never happen again. - Then Steve used his
voice changing ray to turn Carl into a high
pitched, nerdy voice! Who do you think provided
the voice for that? Don't get too feisty
on me now, Reg, let's not go down
that path, Okay? - Oh, oh, we are going
down that path Gene. In a couple of weeks, Harriette,
Eddie, Laura, Grandma, Aunt Rachel, Little Richie,
and the other little kid, are gonna get teleported
to another dimension! And then Steve injects
Carl with his own DNA so Carl turns into
another Steve Urkel! That's two Steve
Urkels and no family on a show called
"Family Matters"! How the (beep) does that work?
(fist slamming) - Listen, Reg, I don't
what to tell you. Urkel-mania is unstoppable
okay? He's a phenomenon! There's nothing we
can do about, okay. It's up to St... Him. - No, no, no, no, no! I'm an actor! I'm
a (beep) actor! I am a real actor!
I did "Richard III"! I was in "True West"
with Sherman Hemsley! I was in "Die Hard" dammit! (beep) Steve Urkel! - (beep) You will suck
Steve Urkels (beep) if he wants you to! You will suck his (beep)
(beep) do you understand? He is our bread and
butter you mother (beep). I am high on cocaine! - I'm a (beep) actor Gene! I've done more cocaine than
you weigh mother (beep). - I'm gonna tell you what
you are Reginald VelJohnson, you're a (beep) pawn
in that nerd's game. You are a (beep) pawn! Do you think I have any power
over what that monster does? Any power at all? (Reginald screams) I am the Senior
Vice-President of development, for the Amer-
(Gene stutters) - Gene? - Gene? Gene, what's
become of you Gene? - I am nothing.
(gentle tense music) - Gene, I don't know what
you mean by that Gene, but you're scaring me. No, no, no, don't don't
do anything crazy Gene. Everyone does too much
coke sometimes, but just... What are you gonna
do with the gun Gene? What are you gonna do?
No, no, no, no, no. We can talk this through. Okay. - The king is dead
long. Live the king. - No no no no!
(gunshot) (door opens) - Did I do that? (ominous music) - Jaleel. - Jaleel? There is no Jaleel. Only Steve. It's always been Steve. - Yippee-ki-ay mother (beep)
(empty gun barrel clicking) - Forgetting something, Carl? - Don't you come near me.
Stay away from me you hear? - It could have all
been so simple, Carl. Just say your lines,
and take the money. - You monster!
(Reginald breathes heavily) (pulsating sound effect)
What are you doing? I, I can't control. (pulsating sound effect)
- Am I doing this? - No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Steve, I'll do anything! - You will do what I
want, on "Family Matters". - Yes. (sobbing) O-of course Steve. (body thuds) - See you on set, Carl. - Get out of my house Steve! (pulsating sound effect) (upbeat music) ♪ All I want is ♪ ♪ But I don't need ♪
