🔴 STREAMING: The Best of Key & Peele

[Music] [Music] i am your substitute mr nostrum but that might as well say no nonsense because i do not play now today will not be a day off in fact today you will work harder than [Applause] [Music] welcome to meta world news our top story why are people always trying to steal my magic in other news cat litter can be used to blind people when fighting interesting i didn't know that well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday february biscuit fountain drink i'm meadow world peace good night welcome to meta world news in sports i'd rather eat my hand than to have my penis cut off i really have to believe someone was gonna cut it off but if i did i can definitely eat my hand i know because i had a dream where i did it it was horrible i ate my whole hand now that's what you call rhetoric well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday april hurricane slip nut i'm meadow world peace good night [Music] welcome to metal world news in fashion if you woke up and there was a four inch miniature human standing on your chest would you swap them off i was really challenged by this question i would hope that i'd engage them in conversation but in reality i think i'd be scared of them and swat them away which would probably kill them well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday october noise cancelling octagon tire i met a world peace good night [Music] did i fulfill my contract satan [Music] welcome to meta world news our top story ninja costumes don't come in size xxx which is discriminatory against enormous assassins you know what forget about the teleprompter i need to speak from the heart well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday may staple gun here crush i'm meadow world peace good night [Music] welcome to metal world news i wish there was a genie in here well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday march hybrid ice rink i'm meadow world peace good night hey jen where's that genie [Music] welcome to meadow world news our top story the pope is thinking of moving out the vatican so feral cats can live there now let's go to homemaker's corner with metal world peace thank you meadow you need five plastic grocery bags to make an effective parachute thanks meador and you will die if you try that well that wraps up meta world news for this wednesday november morning star cocktail neck i'm meta world peace good night [Music] welcome to meta world news our top story a professional athlete should never post online looking for people to live action role play hunger games with them i'm sorry gerard kaylee and zack well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday august microwave wood chip i'm meadow world peace good night [Music] welcome to metal world news in science news it is impossible to knock yourself out with your own fist let's not fall behind america well that wraps up metal world news for this wednesday biscuit biscuit biscuit i'm meadow world peace good night [Music] you win fish please no no no [Laughter] what's the joke what i don't get it you shot that damn fool oh yeah no i still don't get it hey man ain't nothing again this is funny man dude can't snitch now man don't fake laugh huh that's not real i could tell no i think it's really funny no you don't look at him sitting there all dead he was 20 and now he's dead ain't never gonna have a wife for kids now what are you doing wife and kids that ain't funny his mom and dad ain't never gonna see him again no no you're ruining it for me okay well i guess i just don't get it then it's just that you shot him that's all that's the whole thing oh okay so oh the hell is wrong with you you don't shoot a dude that's already dead that's not funny oh wow yeah yeah i guess i just don't get it [Music] come now mary magdalene stand and be forgiven for your sins but jesus how can i be forgiven i'm a prostitute no child you were a prostitute that life is behind you now are you at oh no jesus i think it's my pimp i think he found me oh there you are man it took me forever to find your ass i'm gonna be looking all over for you you know how many named mary they're up in here now get your wheels in that caravan no no i'm not going with you gala leroy i'm gonna stay here with jesus what the flip is this you watching this maybe what i taught you that i wrestled you from the fishing village i cleaned you up and got you out to work and now that's how you repay me you go get yourself another pimp hell no brother she's mine i don't think you understand she's not going with you well i can't afford to lose her i already lost three to leprosy all right all i got left is mary a and two blind chicks who actually you know they get requested a lot don't ask me how that works get out of here i'm not going with you galileo i'm staying here with jesus and i'm warning you jesus has like 12 followers tell them oh 12. okay all right so this a serious pimp no my friend you're confused it's 12 men uh are you a gay pimp i'm not a pimp i'm a carpenter carpenter then why does your house look like i've been busy with non-carpentry work okay that's it packing get in the caravan and make me some money no and i don't have any stuff to pack jesus says we don't need things what the is this all about money hell yeah it's all about money brother i have a saying oh it goes like this you're gonna love this shut up it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god oh yeah well i got a saying too it's easy you know why don't you pass your own pass your ass through the needle man you man come on girl stairs i slapped you and you want me to hit you on the other cheek that ain't gangsta this is crazy you can have them i'm done wait friend [Music] so you know that there are no hard feelings would you care to join us for dinner [Music] but you all have it [Music] this is not just another streaming app what this is so much comedy it's not even funny are you choking me bro this is daily late and lately this is real roasted and raw give it to me now this is great stand-up great movies and the great corn holier are you threatening me no this is one pump two pumps and three pumps this is live sports breaking news and a mountain of comedy entertainment paramount plus now streaming [Music] oh [Music] [Music] huh did you hear that [Music] must have been nothing [Music] [Music] back patio is clear [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] nice [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] now it's my turn to play [Music] [Music] ah [Music] [Music] carol i thought i killed you the first time i promise i will not make the same mistake twice [Music] you are a good cop mr chili but a lousy fighter [Music] [Music] oh [Music] snap indeed [Music] [Music] teague you saved my life no carol you saved mine [Music] oh that's just [Music] great hike today buddy let's come up that last hill and i turned around and you were nowhere to be found i thought i was gonna have to go back and get you well at least we made it oh yeah i forgot to tell you i uh i i talk in my sleep oh yeah quite a bit actually so um if it bothers you just uh wake me up okay buddy oh goodnight good night your stupid dick head jordan let's go camping come on jordan keep hiking we're almost there oh buddy so much energy shoved that cliff bar up your ass you bald sucker john jordan you keegan hyphen michael key jordan wake up you're talking in your sleep not asleep yet oh nature's gonna be so great once we get shoved nature up your ass you bald sucker and by ball sucker i mean you suck ball so what do you want to do tonight like i was thinking maybe we could meet up with amy and brad and like before that we could go to angelo's and before that we could like just go vegan i have something to say i had to say it in person because it's it's like super important okay um i know this is sudden but look i've been thinking about this for a while and i know this is something that needs to happen i'm breaking up with you cool love it totally fine with that really yeah cause i thought i was was really worried that you were gonna be like mad matt oh my god are you kidding me no of course i'm not mad people grow apart it happens it's like part of life no i'm totally fine like love it love it love it um so uh um you know we had a good run don't be a stranger can i just can i ask why why yeah like what i was like i'm doing some work on myself and like trying to grow as a person so i really like appreciate to know why yeah um okay yeah that's like you know i think that you're kind of like a controlling person thank you thank you for that that's nice thank you for that cool no problem yeah so you know what your problem is andre what you keep tabs on people every little thing somebody does you have to keep a tab of it wait i i i can't tell if you're angry or not i'm not i'm totally not angry oh no i'm excited it's good it's just like you said your piece and i just think that i deserve the human decency to say my peace right right is that is that not okay no no no it's no of course of course you're a controlling manipulative person everyone says it really i i don't think that i am yes you are andre yes okay now like you sound pretty i'm not angry i'm not angry i'm fine i love it i love that you came to my house and you broke up with me in my space and then going to think about that every time i'm here that's great that is so perfect for me it's the best thing that's around here where else was i supposed to do it because you won't come to my house oh here he is the puppet master is back but i'm not i'm not no i'm not the puppeteer you're doing this to me it's true you won't come to my house you said my apartment looks like two rats just in it every day oh right like thank you for that i'm a thank you i didn't no i didn't say i didn't always say am i evil or am i a no no you're not evil vegan why are you punishing me i'm not i'm not punishing you i know you broke up with me and i'm not supposed to feel punished who thinks like that i don't know i can't i'm sorry i'm sorry okay me again i i guess i didn't think it through well it's like too late now i mean we're dying no it's not too late megan megan seriously i just i i i i had a feeling that i thought was true and clearly clearly it wasn't true i'm so confused like are you breaking up with me are you not bringing up with me megan i'm not breaking up with you okay cool so what do you want to do tonight like i want to hang out with amy and brad but maybe before that we can go to what just angelo [Music] true come forward chef this is a chicken quiche with cremini mushrooms baby spinach and feta cheese [Music] unbelievable well drew i have a huge problem with this dish it's that you haven't made it for me sooner thank you chef because if you had drew then i would know how good you are at cooking food that's bad i'm sorry chef and when i say bad i'm a michael jackson bad thank you chef you know how he looked really really bad at the end of his life chef i'm sorry i don't know if you like the dish or not you don't know if i like the dish or not well let's put it this way pat your knives get out you're off the show [Music] sorry sir you should be working in the finest restaurant in the world thank you chef just not any world that i live in sorry because frankly drew i'm jealous of you thank you sure and your ability to not give a sh about what you cook this [Music] is not fit for human consumption no this should be eaten by a higher life form with a more complex palette but also an altruistic drive to save humanity from dishes like this joking not you just have to die so you won't have to endure a life in which you will never exceed what you have achieved here today [Music] thank you sir [Music] in conclusion let's get this party started ladies and gentlemen this is paramount plus this is strokes of genius beautiful games and one shining moment this is defenders investigators and seven strangers picked to live in a house this is young spongebob young sheldon and the younger this is everything you've been looking for that's gonna leave a mark live sports breaking news and a mountain of entertainment all right this is paramount plus now streaming all right partner take the scumbag downtown before the mexicans find him and blow his ass away i'm gonna keep you alive chico [Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] no [Applause] [Music] is that a bird hey do you know what happened no oh [Music] oh i get it when i say no stuff blows up cool oh good you hungry i could eat yeah man um what you want uh pizza chinese killed that noise man i got a ratatouille oh that's a wrap dude all right that's a ratatouille yo they rather to it go make my man a sandwich yeah show them what you got [Music] what the son you got a rat up in your house what does mean i don't know what to say man i got a ratatouille man he a chef just like in all that movies man no no hey there's only there's only one movie levi all right and he's not a ratatouille he's a rat and his name is remy potato potato potato i gots myself some ratatouille that's all i know order up damn come on levi voila levi look at this thing man you see it got bite marks all over it any good chef has to taste his creation that's rat on the sandwich he didn't make a sandwich though oh hell no i'm out my dude you need help [Music] oh well ratatouille another negative review maybe you wanted charlotte's web to the end of the first quarter with the rhinos in the red zone for the first time gotta say bill i like watching these rhinos ransom takes the snap drops back with good protection and that's a completed pass to a very wide-open hingle mccrinkleberry the rookie out of penn state nice graham i'm buying a kringleberry you think he's happy oh boy he is loving it down there oh we got something of a shooting gallery oh yeah look at that boy that is something and oh oh wait we got a flag though you got stuff for excessive celebration yeah well see and i'm not sure about that called i don't know bill that was three pumps and the rule book says you cannot have more than two oh my gosh but look at the kid he's pleading his case with a pledious case yeah clearly three pops coach johnson definitely not happy about this call five minutes into the fourth quarter third and ten the rhinos again threatening to score can the cougars hold them big play coming here bill ransom takes the snap drops back he floats one into the end zone and mcringleberry pulls it down oh he's got it oh my gosh for his second touchdown of the day for this rookie he has got to be feeling great about himself i'll tell you man he's oh oh see now there's two pumps yeah he's really testing the boundaries and he's clearly gotten the refs attention here a third pump will draw a flag no matter what see oh he just did it again what did now what is that the second time now you have to flag him on yeah he had to you know bill it's just frustrating seeing young players without the ability to restrain themselves oh it really is it's hard i mean the ref's going to get you every time yeah yeah absolutely uh see now the ref agrees that's three pumps right there [Applause] and the quarterback ransom under center last five minutes of the game rhinos are marching here again hard to stop this team from scoring bill they have so many weapons ransom takes the snap and it's a shovel past the mcringleberry oh he's at the 10. he's at the five and touchdown rhino oh my great block by hardunka chut and that's going to be tough for the cougars to come back from boy what a career day from henkel mccrinkleberry the rookie out of penn state oh he was just amazingly fired up here today john you gotta love the way this guy plays and he oh oh see now there's one pump oh well i cannot believe this kid you gotta put your team first in situations like this and the kringleberry's just not doing it no there's two jeff now if he pumps a third time he will draw his third penalty for today everybody here waiting with betty breath he did it oh did he yes he did it oh that just couldn't help himself amazing i mean come on in professional football it's really changed yeah that's what it is you can argue all you want but flag well it's been thrown that's right if it's three pumps the ref's not going to take it away now duration and intensity doesn't make any difference jeff let's have a look at the replay here to see if indeed he did do the three pumps all right no question there is the first one yeah right agreed and then coming up is the second one okay yes very clear it's the third we'll see it it's coming out here oh yeah you're right there's absolutely three pumps there oh uh apologies to all those watching with young children uh clearly you will be in room 237 and you have free wi-fi there also from 6am to 10am every morning there's a free continental breakfast continental breakfast yes from 6am to 10am so it's continental then very good like garcon a one uh admission for the continental breakfast you can just help yourself sir oh interesting european style [Music] when in rome the forbidden fruit [Music] oh well aren't you a tiny plum well la di da vapor and everything and who are you my little friend not a spoon not a fork but something in between a fuppoon [Music] what will you think of next germany [Music] ah all the european countries lay before me where should i fly to the first of the donut mmm thank you turkey mmm buckle up let's see where we shall go next ah the danish clearly from brussels mmm hello grease where the yogurt flows like water yes like go good but to stay so bad pulling into spain [Music] bakes to perfection can you believe this it all comes with the room [Music] i love being incontinent i love being incontinent i delighted the senses isn't it my friend isn't it yes i have what i'm having [Music] what i'm having [Music] [Laughter] [Music] dude i got to tell you something last night on show times i saw some some lethal weapon too lethal weapon two starring the racist ass mellie gibsons no i know but i gotta tell you right up front and truthfully racist asthmatic gifts is still kind of my [Music] he's still my don't know dog racist ass manly gifts i never think about a man think about it remember when he jacked up all their mutants and the road warriors talking about this was nothing but sand yeah and then remember when he had taken that hatchet and chopped up all them england's remember in the patriot and did it in front of all his kids you know what oh racist assessment oh racist-ass melee gibsons is still my soul remember when racist says milly gibson's was blue man group and braveheart oh my god it was chopping off my man's head no no my man was still talking about the freedom or what about conspiracy theories though oh come on what the about conspiracy theories though what the f about conspiracy theories though see what's going on come on you know where she's smelly gifts be directing to hell's yeah what about apocalypto yo racist ass mellie gibsons be telling the story of a bunch of crazy ass old-fashioned mexicans who had been in the jungle getting chased by a pencil and what about their passions after christchurch expressions of the christ though passions are passions of the price were racist as mellie gibson's made that movie about jesus in a kind of racist ass way that was all my jams when you know what i just realized though what's that you know what would be my what would be your if racist ask mellie gibson's co-starred in a movie with jesus you talking about the the savior of all the king of all kings the alpha amnio major and jesus that would be [Music] telling you it's totally legal these doctors they'll prescribe medical marijuana to anyone man what do i tell them i need it for it doesn't matter they want to give you prescription that's how they get paid just make something up hey mr washington welcome hey doctor i'm going to ask you a couple questions what aids eight as in uh then i got it need lots of weed to get rid of it okay okay aids um wow all right uh are you sure you're not suffering from anything else like you know back pain nope anxiety cool is a cucumber how about insomnia sleep like a baby with aids okay mr watson let's just slow your roll for a second here if you had aids then i would have to verify it by seeing test results whereas if you have back pain or anxiety or anything else that i can't test for then i can give you this prescription for cannabis right now oh i understand oh yeah i see i get it okay so leprosy no no because if you had leprosy i'd have to quarantine you what do you no okay i see your fingers falling off no don't do that though that's not gonna work scurvy nope ricketts what no consumption no mr washington something from this century schizophrenia no you don't have schizophrenia just you know keep it simple please what the hell is that i don't know what that is fish hook in my lip just pick something off this list i can't reach it why not paralyzed does your face hurt mr washington now first let me just say that i'm encouraged that so many of you from the republican party have agreed to meet me in this way now as you know i've tried very hard to reach across the aisle and govern this country from the middle well all due respect mr president we disagree with you we think you should run the country from not the middle well that's why we're here if you would i'd just appreciate some feedback on some new ideas and directions for this country feel free to agree or disagree whatever you want we're gonna disagree disagree disagree first i think the government is too big i think we need to shrink the size of the federal government so that all decisions can be made at the state level we disagree mr president you drive a hard bargain you win there we go big government it is next up this has been a hot button issue but i think we can settle it right here no taxes for rich people we completely disagree round two goes to you guys okay more taxes for the rich what the what is happening to us and i am taking a beating here guys all right last issue immigration now we need to secure our borders and anybody who's here illegally should be hunted down and deported if we disagree [Music] we are a country of immigrants no we need a clear path to citizenship for all of those who are already here help me [Music] great i love your ideas lastly we cannot regulate firearms [Music] all right all right you guys say so and nobody better throw me a cigarette ain't i a stinker [Music] this is not just another streaming app what this is so much comedy it's not even funny are you choking me bro this is daily late and lately this is real roasted and raw give it to me this is great stand up great movies and the great corn holier are you threatening me no this is one pump two pumps and three pumps this is live sports breaking news in a mountain of comedy entertainment paramount plus now streaming rick nicholsbee reporting live from a gruesome scene a cult known as qet or quest for eternal truth has apparently taken their own lives in a mass suicide police confirmed that cyanide-laced cherry kool-aid was also on the premises excuse me hi rick nicholsbee channel six hi are you two from the neighborhood oh yes yes yeah okay were you two members of the cult that lived here the co what cult was this a coho i had no idea this was a call why well i would say the term cult is a little judgmental i would say the same thing yeah not knowing the full doctrine well apparently they believed that there was a spaceship waiting for them behind the moon okay well you know that that still is really possible and it's possible right i mean who knows what is out there in the universe okay well it appears they killed themselves in order to board the ship right and that's where we disagreed with them right there or would have we would have disagreed with them had we been there on on our departure day their departure day their departure day which is the day that they did this i mean that's what you could call it if you wanted to i ain't in no cold no i mean what i always wondered is how or am starting to wonder since you brought this to our attention why if there was a spaceship in the sky why wouldn't it just beam up up beam them up right sisters just beam them up why can't you just beat them up alive why you got to be dead to get beamed up you know i've been saying that for weeks seconds for seconds because because you rick nichols b you told us that uh you know and that's how i knew because seconds like 50 seconds ago you said it i didn't know anything about it until you would said it because i ain't in no code okay well then why would someone join a cult charismatically leadership you know like a compelling person tuesday tuesday i mean hypothetically they could have had tacos on tuesday which would have been a draw i mean that would have been a plus okay so this is a tragic day for this community and for the members of the quest for earthly truth i'm rick nicholsbee reporting you see yep you see everybody chop the gun we're ready so oh my goodness oh my goodness how are you doing girls oh you know i was on the way home it was in the area i just wanted to come say hello that's it that is all have a nice night so where are you going girl you can't leave without coming inside oh no i wouldn't want to be an intrusion i just wanted to say hello goodbye there is a seat in this house with your name on it girl no no no no no no no no i can't i didn't have money for the bus i'm a mess from the 50 mile away must you be so difficult girl you're right i am being difficult aren't i your life is better without me coming in trust me so there i go okay girl listen everything is irony man we're good friends all right of course you know you can smell that girl you know you smell like a girl you know you're smelling the fried dumplings the aqui and the salt fish girl i was come over here i should have called i should have called that's it sue i'm formally inviting you into my home now come inside [Music] is [Music] knock it off you can't do that guys guys guys listen rafi just got out of treatment remember we don't want to trigger him with tennis lapis hey what uh what's going on here why are we all acting at the funeral in here no nothing uh rafi you just caught us in the lull in the conversation man we're happy i was going to say for a second cause i mean that was a good game huh good game hey good game good game man good game okay elephant in the room you know i want to talk about it [Music] i had a problem it was bad and my lowest point i would sneak into a horse's table when you find yourself at one a.m in the morning with your hand in the air and a horse's ass in front of your face that's when you know it's pain but i'm okay now i'm all better guys honestly just treat me like i'm normal okay okay rafi let's have some fun okay it's a game [Music] you can pick up your glass [Music] come on [Music] hey what i told you huh it's just normal guys come on izzy i'm fine i'm all better now you guys can do the normal stuff be yourself bend things over pick things up you know do your stretches touch your toes you're my name is ruben i just came over from the the braves farm team i'm from the dominican republic hello we're off i'm really excited to be working and playing with you all go rhinos go right now all right all right we're gonna need a bigger boat really put your locker right next to my locker huh i i guess so yeah you got this baby you're not spending a lot of time down there you know hey i have a lot of stuff yeah a lot i see that you can do this oh my god you okay there buddy not looking too good i am feeling a bit flushed you know i got a good feeling about you maybe we could be good friends maybe even the best of friends maybe another thing another but not place not now well either way we're teammates and so anything i can do for you ask away got it okay go rhinos oh no [Music] okay it was just too hard to receive okay [Music] are you okay i'm okay okay okay hey guys you know maybe after a game victory we can all go dancing right [Music] foreign [Music] so i'm doing this like airline food diet it's like all i eat and i've lost like 16 pounds oh my god amy i almost forgot to tell you we got a new receptionist at work ew no way yeah so i'm in the common area alone minding my own business yeah oh she said something to you she came up to me and no joke she's like hi i'm sandy i don't believe we've met yet oh she said that to you no amy i'm not even kidding you she's crazy um yeah no like i'm scared like crazy like get this away from me she's psychopathically batshit crazy oh my god that totally reminds me i have a new neighbor ew yeah she comes over my house she knocks on the door with like a package under her arm um stalker match um yeah and she looks me in the eye and she says to me um excuse me i think the postman dropped this package off at my house by accident she said that to you yeah crazy bad i mean like i'm gonna have to move because this bitch's nut burgers make looney tunes stand at the foot of my bed with a knife crazy oh my god that totally reminds me oh yeah you remember that girl at starbucks the crazy one no a different one she's new i haven't met her yet well she's crazy uh-huh she gives me my change and then she's like thanks bye she smiled at you like that how crazy is that that's like that's like insane in the membrane crazy like like this is the membrane she's inside of it because that's insane no like i'm not even kidding you amy that's crazy like it puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again cray to the cray yeah like if jay-z had a sister her name would be cray hey you ladies want to meet channing tatum oh is he really in there seriously oh tanning tanning what are you doing in a van i think crazy i don't see you channing why are you hiding in here channing are you like in a little ball it's not like mill doing here is that me i'm the leader of the free world [Music] all right everybody focus up look this party tonight could be a model for the way that the world should work and i just want to say i'm totally stoked to the max about it all right you guys feeling good yeah dennis what are you shooting video yeah man all right well be careful with that i might run for office someday now trust me i think that this party can be the most inspirational party this campus has ever seen is that coming to me and just grab that it's a brightest bug it's a righteous belt we got going on there we need some bodacious jock babes coming in yeah we need some hot-ass punk rock babes i i i don't care where they come from the most important thing it's imperative that we have a diversity in the uh uh department intercepted don't sleep on barrio don't ever sleep on barrio that is some major dopage [Music] apartheid is totally gnarly it's a gnarly institution where is he dennis that there you go come here get this get this okay we gotta have a system in place to get everybody weed all right so just watch this is how you're gonna do it all right this this is i'm really frosty right now by the way this is your constitution all right it's just a piece of paper we gotta keep its integrity because it's gonna hold everything together this right here this is us this is the american people we're special we're magic hello yay we all live in here all right the most important thing is that we don't get too far apart me and you we gotta be close that's that's the magic of america is love otherwise we're gonna get air bubbles in there it's gonna start canoeing and everything we don't want that all right you get that all right look i'm way ahead of you but i'm already done boom fireworks fourth of july that's for you we want like 10 of these oh my god i'm so blessed i'm so oh what was i saying when i roll down the street brother's all taking me honey's dropping their g's run pieces of me cause i run this whole block with these rhymes and this glide make this whole damn hood tick this my tongue i'm the toss cocker the walk i'm the boss and the king kissing my ass and kissing my ring what's up you know it's true i'm the leader of the free world [Applause] thank you i mean god bless america all right a couple introductions with the chat this is john o'rourke nice to meet you mr ian roberts nice to meet peter atencio all right nice to meet you jerome smith come on brother what's up fam you know this keith williamson nice to meet you mary woodbury nice to meet you jay martel nice to meet you sir tasha robinson come on come on come on feel that emily george all right nice to meet you daryl stokes come on what's up fam how you doing never forget about that cause that's all we got nice to meet you all right oh i'll bring you down bring it in starting from the bottom now we're here yeah nice to meet you all right nice to meet you all right nice to meet you one eighth black afternoon my octoroon come on bring it in there tuck that up i'm in the dog i'm in there i'm in here all right nice to meet you man uh nice to meet you oh my goodness look at this oh she is so beautiful um i want another one there you go precious beautiful beautiful what's her name oh this is livia roojie okay nice to meet you miss rougey all right now come on mario boom all right very good to meet you all right here we go right this way sir come on come on this is like wait my man's been up 10 minutes okay the number pressing no no just hold on a second malia all right just hold on sorry everyone it was uh taking so long you know obama how you doing sir it's me just uh showing my daughter how to use the atm having a little trouble with the machine oh you having trouble with the machine oh man we tripping with you right now man then you can be on your way no no no no no no i'm trying to show malia what life is like in the real world here all right so just do me a favor treat me like you would anyone else in this situation okay yes sir yes sir all right ah hurry up man is your time stuck in not exactly what i have in mind come on girl hurry up man you got seven oh okay take your time take your time take your time all right you're doing fine sweetie now uh malia let's just go easy on the gas here and come to a complete stop okay so in the future you want to try not to go through stop signs okay just remain calm now and uh what you're going to want to do is pull up right here uh next to the curb this is why we want to stay in the lines and we want to follow rules remember this license and registration holy mr president yeah yeah just uh teaching malia to drive well you guys ran a stop sign back there but that's okay you can go oh no no no no well malia's got to learn what it's like to drive in the real world here well this is called consequences malia now i want you to go ahead and treat us like you would if i weren't the president not exactly what i had in mind [Music] [Music] oh honey i am tired i am going to bed good night uh well is everything okay well it's uh it's just that i was uh hoping that uh well that we could and uh i i want to make this clear uh i i want to be uh straightforward i want to uh have a okay uh luther are you available to translate yes ma'am i really was hoping we could spend some time together when is the last time we had sex woman re-election night what does a brother not named bill clinton have to do to get some in this house well you have been very busy lately [Music] you know what if i could can we get your translator oh yes certainly uh katendra yeah honey could you please translate well you have been very busy lately sure my one of your limousines that you can jump in and out of whenever you feel like i don't see you all day then you want a booty call i need an emotional connection thought this was uh romantic i'm trying can't you see i'm playing the romantic music i got the pinot and the glasses what more do you want from me an engraved invitation from my nuts maybe we should make a date what am i supposed to do jump out of my clothes every time little bear stands at attention you ain't my commander-in-chief mother and my vagina ain't some cave in the middle east you can fly your heat-seeking missile into whenever you feel like it well uh i didn't mean to call you but i i had meetings all day long i'm dealing with these mother republicans hearing no no no all day long then i come home and you're gonna let me get my jam on up in here well you know i have had a busy day too you act like i ain't got nothing else to do i got these old beasts on my ass 24 7. what's more important you getting your wig dipped or some eight-year-old fat ass collapsing his bunk bed okay you seem to be forgetting job number one you are my secretary of get to work you yes sir yeah we'll uh we'll take it from here absolutely yes sir oh this feels good um mom dad i know you already said that i can't go but can i please go to the party tonight malia use your translator if you don't let me go to this party i will get a tattoo on my face have fun [Music] now first let me just say that i'm encouraged that so many of you from the republican party have agreed to meet me in this way now as you know i've tried very hard to reach across the aisle and govern this country from the middle well oh due respect mr president we disagree with you we think you should run the country from not the middle well that's why we're here if you would i'd just appreciate some feedback on some new ideas and directions for this country feel free to agree or disagree whatever you want we're gonna disagree disagree disagree first i think the government is too big i think we need to shrink the size of the federal government so that all decisions can be made at the state level we disagree mr president you drive a hard bargain you win there we go big government it is uh next up this has been a hot button issue but i think we can settle it right here no taxes for rich people we completely disagree round two goes to you guys okay more taxes for the rich okay what the what is happening to us and i am taking a beating here guys all right last issue immigration now we need to secure our borders and anybody who's here illegally should be hunted down and deported [Music] if we disagree [Music] we are a country of immigrants no we need a clear path to citizenship for all of those who are already here [Music] great i love your ideas lastly we cannot regulate firearms all right all right you guys say so nobody better throw me a cigarette [Music] welcome back we're here talking with all-star shooting guard charlie sanders about his amazing career now charlie you grew up in a tough neighborhood didn't you that's right drugs violence my whole life i had to deal with adversity and that continued when you went on to the pros that's right you know fines injuries everything no matter how big a star i am i'm always going to be dealing with adversity adversity johnson what's your take on this i don't know girl i just like come with him ah come on adversity deal with me dog always wherever we go it's come on no don't don't drink my water don't drink my water first you leave me something leave me a sip leave me a sip damn come on man oh dear with me this he doesn't i'm sorry no he doesn't pick up social cues [Applause] come on are you okay no a mind-blowing finish to an incredible game tonight with charlie sanders winning the game in literally the last second uh unbelievable truly spectacular charlie sanders how does it feel hey y'all want to say something to everybody watching yo you can do anything anything's possible the world is yours charlie did you think that that game was gonna end that way tonight yo there are no limits all right you can swim across the atlantic you can jump real high and touch the moon fantastic charlie sanders fresh off of his uh victory uh just feel like he's ready to touch the moon i can fly anybody can fly if you believe in yourself the way i believe in myself tonight you will fly and what's next for charlie sanders and the army friends you can actually fly no no no well not literally yes literally kids young kids i want you to go up on your roots right now wait what fly into the night sky okay people will see you flying and you can do anything you can do anything okay well we we we just want to remind the kids and of course you cannot actually fly kids through that negativity man hey boys and girls ages eight through 12. yo don't let nobody ever tell you what you can and cannot do all the preteen children out there listen to my voice you are immortal okay well obviously we understand that charlie is super excited right now and that no one is actually immortal no kids you could turn yourself into a car and have a friend drive you onto the freeway okay no well that's just a metaphor kid it's not just you still have the power of childish innocence get a friend on your back and make him be alarmed for the next ramp to the freeway y'all okay don't do it he's freeway he's speaking fingernails once you get there ain't nothing figurative about this you will turn into a robot first and foremost i just want to say to the 12 families who lost children i'm sorry my statements were irresponsible i

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 849,948

Keywords: blark and son, blark, son, animated, comedy central, animation, series, full episodes, episode, stream

Id: Eh016TIcWkY

Length: 71min 48sec (4308 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 13 2022