- All right, I'mma give you a straight-up vampire C-section like we was Edward and Bella.
- Edward and Bella. - Hold up, you like "Twilight?" - Yeah, I like "Twilight," (beep). You like "Twilight?" - (beep), "Twilight's" my jam. (guitar music) (glass breaks) (all cheering) - Eduardo, man, you are so loco, man! We need a crazy bato like you in our gang. With this bandana, I welcome you to the gang. - Yo, hold up.
- Okay. - What's going on? - Hey, Carlito. I was just welcoming Eduardo into the gang. - Why? Who he? What he did? - He's, he's crazy, man. We were thinking that the
gang needs a crazy guy. - Yeah, man, this guy is loco. Show him, Eduardo. (Eduardo breathing heavy) (glass breaking) (guys cheering) - Loco! That's muy loco. - Loco, eh? - No, no. I'm the loco one in this gang. - What? - Okay, okay. Check this out. (quacking) I'm a duck.
- No, no, no, no. - I'm a crazy duck. - No Carlito, Carlito, it's
not that kind of loco, 'kay? That's more like, you know, zany or, or goofy. - Yeah. - It's the wrong kind of loco. - You want to see loco? - Carlito, you're not crazy. You're like, uh, the quiet one. - I'm not quiet. I'll never be caught being quiet. In fact, I'm always loud. Check it. Ah... - Okay, okay. That was weird. I'm not sure- were you yelling? - I'll show you loco right here. - Carlito. - Right here in broad daylight, yo. - Carlito, no, Carlito.
- No, oh my god. - Pull up your pants, homes. - I got telecom on my underwear. That's the black fish. I'm naked and I don't even care. - Carlito, you gotta pull them up, okay? There's, like, children in
this neighborhood, okay? - Okay, but check this out. I got nine punch cards
from Fro-Yo Universe. Each with one stamp in it. Every time I get a
fro-yo, I get a new card. - Carlito, that's just being
cavalier with your finances instead of collecting your free dessert. I mean, that's not
loco, that's just, like, financially irresponsible. - I might not be loco, but you know who is loco? My friend, Mr. Basura Head. - He's dumping the garbage. - Hi, I'm the most loco person in here. (thuds) - Carlito, why would you do that, okay? Carlito. (thuds) Okay, Carlito, you don't have to do this, okay? It's not necessary,
you're not the loco one. - Check this out. (guys groan) Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm the loco one. (Carlito groans) - Carlito, please don't do it again- (Carlito groans) Carlito, stop. - I'm in too deep. - This is like watching the
British version of "The Office." Like, it's funny, but awkward and sad at the same time. - Yes. (guys groan) - Well, I think I just proved
this bottle is unbreakable. (bottle shatters) - Carlito, you're embarrassing yourself. - Look at this, you know it's loco.
- No, no, no, Carlito, what are you going to do with that? - I don't know. I'm too crazy. (staple gun shoots)
(guys groaning) - Carlito, why would you do that, man? That was loco, but not
in an entertaining way. - Okay. Okay. - Carlito, put down the gun.
- Put the gun down. - Oh, don't you fear, the crazy, crazy one is here.
- You don't have to do this. Carlito, stop! Don't toss the gun around.
- Oh, my staple hand. - Put the gun down.
- I shouldn't have done that. - Stop twirling it.
- Loco, loco, loco. (all yelling) (gun shoots) (beep) - Carlito, you just shot
Eduardo in the head. - Now I'm the most loco in the gang? - Yes, Carlito, by process of elimination, you are the most loco person in the gang. - Yes. (dramatic guitar music) (guys gasp) (guys yelling) - He caught the bullet, odelay! He caught the bullet in his teeth! That's the most loco-ist
thing I ever seen. Oh, no, no, no! (gun shoots) (gate opening) Okay, let's get this thing going. Everybody take a seat. We got to have more meetings, homes. 'Cause I'm telling you, man,
we got to get organized. Carlito ain't got a seat, man, someone get him a chair. - Nah, I'm cool. - No, dude. Get him a chair, homes. - Nah, man, I'm going to sit gangster. - But Carlito, it doesn't look
like it's comfortable, man. Why don't you just sit in the chair? I never sit in no chair, Ese. You never, ever going catch
me sitting in no chairs. - Ese, you know that that's loco, right? (Carlito grunts) - It's cool, Carlito. No one's going to think you're soft if you sit in a chair, homes. We're all sitting in chairs. - Bunch of bitch-ass culeros. I don't have no time to
sit in no (beep) chair. - Huh. Okay. Now that we're all here, you know what, but why, though? Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up with a rule like that. - No, it's like limiting. - Yeah, limiting, limiting. I, mean, sometimes people sit in chairs. - Man, (beep) all of you guys
with your bitch-ass chairs. (table crashes) - Okay, Carlito, quit playing
and sit in the chair, pendejo. - No. - Carlito, we have to have
this meeting now, Ese. Get up. - I'm good right here, man. - You know- - I'm chilling. Go ahead with your meeting. - Okay, but you know
it's going to be weird. You don't care that
it's going to be weird? - Weird for you, maybe. - He doesn't care, okay. Okay, homies, so this
is what we have to do. (Carlito groaning) Like, we gotta sell more drugs
(Carlito groaning) and we got to make more crimes happen. Roberto, where are we-
(Carlito groaning) Carlito, you're bleeding, Ese. - Who cares, man? - Yo, whoah! You just got shanked, man. We gotta pull that out. - Leave it. I'm chilling, homes. I don't care about that stupid shank. (grunting) - Carlito? Carlito, wake up man. (dramatic music)
(guys yelling) Carlito. - Don't even bother, Ese. (shrieks) - Dios mio. - I don't need those defibrillator. I don't even want to
come back to life, homes. - Carlito, - [Paramedic] Clear!
(defibrillator shocks) - Go back into your body. - My body's stupid, homes. I'm fine, right here on the spirit plane. Life is for pussies. (heavenly singing) - Carlito, Carlito, go to the light. - Nah, I'm good, man. - Carlito, that's Heaven, man. - I don't need to go to Heaven, homes. Heaven is for is pussies. - Oh, boy. (upbeat hip-hop music) (gun cocking) (people screaming) (car tires screeching) - Forget this fool, man, he's frontin'. Ain't no one here scared of you, you fake-ass gangster. Get your fake ass up outta here. - You were scared for
like a minute, though. - This (beep) eating his gun. (imitating mechanical noises) What you lookin' at? - You ready, homie? - Hell's yeah. - Let's take these (beep) out. - Hold up. Nah. - What? - We gotta go back home, man. - Why? - I pooped my pants. - What? - Just now, I just pooped my pants. - You got diarrhea? - Hell no, man, I ain't gay. We gotta go home right now, man, let me change my draws. - The dudes we trying
to smoke is right there. - Man, how you want me to smoke somebody when I got poop in my pants? - Are you sure you pooped them? - Am I sure (beep), am I sure? - Yeah. - Yes, that is poop in my pants. - That's nasty, man. - It's natural, man. - For a three-year-old, not for a hardcore gangster. - See, if you my real friend, though, you wouldn't make such
a big deal out of it. - Wouldn't make such a big deal out of it? (beep), you a grown-ass man who just (beep) in his draws. - Oh, snap. - No, you didn't. (beep) you just (beep) your pants again. - Don't judge. - You need to get out of my
car and go to the hospital. - Okay, I see how it is, see, I wouldn't do that to you, though. - You never would have to do that to me because under no circumstances would I ever (beep) my pants. (guns cocking) (gasps) I'm sorry I judged you. - Apology accepted. (tense music) - What? What? What, what, what? Check yo self before I body
pierce your damn skull. - You think you can pull that trigger before I blow your personality
at the back of your head, then go right ahead and
test that hypothesis and see what happens. - All right, I'mma give you a straight-up vampire C-section like we was Edward and Bella.
- Edward and Bella. - Hold up, you like "Twilight?" - Yeah, I like "Twilight," (beep). You like "Twilight?" - (beep), "Twilight's" my jam. - You a Edward (beep) or a Jacob (beep)? - Answer that (beep) together. Three, two, one, Edward.
- Edward. Oh, sh- Are you (beep) with me? - Are you (beep) with me? - You either playing some (beep) up game, or you are straight-up inside my head. - Yo, and when you said you was going to blow my personality out the back of my head, I'm like, that sounds like some (beep) I would say. And now this "Twilight" (beep)? - It's wavelength (beep). - So I guess we friends, then. - Oh, we best friends, now. We the best of friends. - B-F-F's? - We are B-F-F's, M-F. ♪ When I'm with you ♪ ♪ The world stops turning around ♪ ♪ When I'm with you ♪ ♪ Both feets are off the ground ♪ ♪ When I'm with you ♪ ♪ Trumpets start to sound ♪ ♪ When I'm with you ♪ ♪ It's Heaven when you're around ♪ ♪ La La La La ♪ (both laughing) No, you didn't, man, no, you didn't. That is some crazy- that's the craziest part, man. (laughing) Too much, boy. (coughing)
(sad piano music) (wheezing) Team Edward. (police siren goes off) - Yep, looks like another gang-related killing. - Surprise,
su-mother-(beep)-prise (laughing). - Carvell Thanks you for coming. (sighs) First order of business, I'm sure you all heard that Twigs got pulled
out the river this morning. That ain't no secret. He and Carvell grew up
in the hood together. Listen up. Carvell about to say some words. (chair creaking) (Carvell quivering) Okay, you know what? Don't none of you look at them tears and
think that (beep) is funny. Because it takes a big (beep) man to cry in front of his crew. Go ahead, Carvell. - Y'all know Twigs was my boy. Back in the day, we used to pretend the sofa cushions was a fort. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - And we used to pretend that the floor was molten lava. - Huh. Okay, you know what, though? There ain't nothing funny about that. Of course, this man is crying. 'Cause he and Twigs was kids together, okay? You know what I mean,
they was best friends forever and (beep). (Carvell sniffles) Go ahead, Carvell. - We used to play Care Bears. (grunting) Twigs and I would spend the good part of the afternoon trying to figure out which Care Bear we was. (laughing) - Oh, I wish one of y'all (beep) would just start laughing, 'cause y'all know you
think this (beep) is funny. Carvell, over here, blubbering and talking about Care Bears. But you know what? But you- (Carvell sniffling) Those some manly tears, okay? Those some manly-ass tears, right there, that you lookin' at. Go ahead, Carvell. - And then, and then,
and then, (whimpering) (laughing) - I'm sorry, man, that
was a weird-ass sneeze I just did, right there. God damn it, can a brother get some (beep) Claritin up in here? (Carvell sniffling) Go ahead, Carvell. - Twigs always fancied himself Share Bear. (laughing) I always, I always thought, thought of myself as more of a Funshine Bear. - Okay, Okay, all you (beep) need to
respect that, right there, okay? Y'all need listen to Funshine (laughing) (screaming) I'm sorry, man. You are Funshine Bear, man. I'm sorry that, that is some funny (beep). (laughing) (gun shoots) (whimpering) - All right, let's go sell some crack. - Hey, yeah, for real though, this right here,
- Yeah. - This goes out to all
our fallen homies, yo. Come on. - Hey, yo, real talk.
- All right. (drinks pouring) - I mean, it just seems like a waste, right? Does that make me a dick? Okay, I'm a dick, okay, I'm a dick.
- Come on, man. - I'm sorry.
- Pour out the damn beer. - I'm a big 'ole dick. Okay. For our homies. - Come on, man. What you doin'?
- Pour the damn beer, man. - Okay, okay, fine, fine. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. - No, come on, man. Ay, you got your thumb in there, man. - Okay, okay, okay. - You need to respect our homies. - Okay. For the homie's. - (beep) trash beer? - What, come on? Hey, beer is beer. Geez, I cannot win on this. - What? - Fine, I'm not on board
with this, but I'll do it. (drink pouring) - Hey, what you doin'? What you doin'?
- Oh, really? That don't count? - Aw, ay, put that, that's not, aww man. - It's more of a symbol than a gesture, somebody back me up on this. Right? - Ay man, that's disrespectful, right there. You just do it. - Fine, fine. I'll pour it out. I'll waste the damn beer, then. You know, I'm just not a waster, you know? I save everything. Jamal knows. If he eat a piece of pizza
and don't eat the crust, I eat the crust. If we do a drive-by shooting, I will go back for the shell cases, not to hide the evidence, but because you can recycle those. They have value, man, just like this beer. I can't waste nothing, y'all. It's physically impossible
for me to waste this. I can't do it. Jamal, can you pour it out for me? (drink pouring) - Oh man, come on, man. - I mean, it's not gonna bring him back. It's not gonna bring him back. (gargling) (dramatic music) - Hey, you, no matter what, dog, don't snitch. - I ain't saying nothing, dude. You know me, I die before I turn stitch. - We tell them nothing. They got nothing. - You think Jay Rock talking? - Hell, no, dog. Jay Rock is my cousin. That man would never snitch. - [Jay Rock] All right,
so just chill out here? Ay, bring that ice when
you get that chance. All right, man, (laughing) you the man. Bitch-ass cop. - What up Jay Rock, they
hurt you up in there? - What you mean "hurt you?" Look like he just got back
from the (beep) snack shop. What'd you say to them, man? - Nothing. - You lying.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is my man right here, all right? My brother. This man ain't never
snitch on nobody, never. - Whatever. - Now, look, we in this together, right? Nobody says nothing, right? - Right.
- Right. - Right. - Nobody gonna say nothing about how Big Earl shot up that liquor store. - No, no, no, it wasn't Big Earl, what the
hell are you talking about? - It wasn't? - Hell, no. Buckshot's the one that
held up that liquor store. Buckshot. - Now, where's he going? - I don't know, maybe he's going to the bathroom or some (beep). - No, man, he's going in
there to snitch on us. - No, no, listen, let
me tell you something. That's my boy right there,
we grew up together. That is a standup G. That man would never snitch. - Pizza time! Pizza time, pizza time,
everybody love pizza time. Wake up in the mornin' it's pizza time. Go ahead and eat it's pizza time. Pizza pizza pa- pizza time. Mother (beep) pig-ass cop, man. (yelling) - Hold on. Jay rock, where'd you get the pizza? - Back there. I-I bought it. - Okay, you know what, listen to me. This ain't no (beep) game, okay? If I find out you done snitched on us, I'mma bust a cap in your tiny pizza-breath ass, and then I'mma bury you
in my mother's basement with the rest of the snitches. What? Wait a sec, wait a sec, where you going, where you
going? Where you going, man? See? See? See, look, look, he's selling me out, right now. - No, no, no, he's saying that I would never sell out that man. - What? - I'm telling you. - All right, all right. Let's go. Let's go, come on. You. - See what I tell you, Rockwell, huh? What I tell you? You snitch-ass bi- ♪ Roll with me, roll with me ♪ ♪ Let the night unfold with me ♪ (gate opening) (tense music) - Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right? I had the money, like you said, in a trash bag in the back of my car and I was going to go
straight to the drop spot. All right? No, no, oh, okay. Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, man, there ain't no need for you to get comfortable, okay? Because, because I'm telling you, man, what happened wasn't my fault, all right? (stuttering) I drove to the agreed upon location, man. Oh, man. Okay, okay, okay, okay, because there's no need
to have anything crazy in a paper bag. I'm telling you, there's an
explanation for what went down. Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah. Okay, let's calm down now. Let's calm down, man. There ain't no need. Oh, not a juice box. There ain't no need to eat a meal and then do some crazy (beep) with a sandwich container and a juice box. Oh, man, come on. Come on, man. Just chill out a little bit. Just to, you need to relax, man, you need to take it easy and relax. Oh (beep)! Oh, god damn. No, come on man. Don't do it, don't do it. Don't, don't, man. Come on, oh you eating a sandwich, you eating a sandwich. (crying) How you gonna sandwich me, dog? How you gonna sandwich me? Oh (beep)! Okay, look, it's getting crazy now. It's gotta stop. It's gotta stop, right now, okay? You clean yourself up before
you do some ill (beep), come on, man. What you doing? What you want to know? I'll tell you whatever
you want to know, man. Just please stop this
cold-ass (beep), man, I'm begging you, dog, please. Oh, (beep)! No, no, okay, okay, maybe it was my fault a little bit. Maybe it's my fault a
little bit, but don't, just, what you gonna do with
that juice box, man? What you gonna do with that, what you gonna do with the straw? What are you gonna do with the straw? Come on, man, don't- listen, listen. No, no, no, I did it, I did it, I did it, okay? I did it. I did it, I left the car. I left for three minutes. So please don't do
anything with the straw. Why aren't you stopping? Fine. (screams) There, okay, man, I beat you to it. Okay? I got your point, all right, man? Huh. Oh, man, that's a bitch. (distant screaming) - Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir? - (high-pitched) No. - Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. (upbeat music)
