- Okay, that's the least of my worries in episodes one, two,
and three, by the way. - Oh, you're talking about George Lucas and how he's been
completely seduced by CGI? (bucket thudding) Oh (bleeping)! This is a new shirt.
- Paint? Are you kidding?
- Damn. - Damn. That sucks. - Look at this. It's like I got two little
paint titties on my shirt now. (smooth music) what are you looking at? - Hmm? What? - Dude, my eyes are up here. - Yeah, eyes. - Dude, what are you doing? It's paint. What are you doing? - Come on, we've had a good
time today, haven't we? We hung out the whole day. - It's paint! Paint, it comes off, see? See how that comes off, huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yes. - Oh dude, stop it. Just stop it.
- If you want me to stop it, then stop licking your little titties! - They're not real titties! (bucket thudding) - What? Ah! - Really, twice? - Unbelievable. - Hello, ladies. (smooth music) Yeah. (smooth music) - To the man of the hour. - Guys, best bachelor party ever! (people cheering) Oh yeah. (people cheering) - That's the stuff.
- I can still do it. - All right, fellas. What do you say we get a stripper? - Yes! - Am I right? - Come on, Trey. I told you man, no strippers. - Uh, is this a bachelor
party or isn't it? - That's what I'm saying. I'm your best man. There's no way I'm gonna let you puss out on your own bachelor party. We gettin' the stripper and
we gonna connect the dots. - Yes! - Connect the dots? - Yeah! Tinker toy it, man. You're behind her, and then
we all bop, bop, bop, bop. We go to town! - Yeah!
- Go to town! - Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, what's bop, bop, bop, bop? - Dude, you know, you're up front, then bop, bop, bop, bop, game on! - Game on! - No, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, no. What's the bop, bop, bop, bop? - Yeah, yeah, what is that? - Guys, this is Tommy's
last night of freedom. Come on! - Yeah, but what's bop,
bop, bop, bop though? - You know, bop, bop, bop, bop! - Okay, okay, when you
say bop, bop, bop, bop, what are we, are we all-- - Linked up! Yeah, baby elephant walk, whoo! - Okay, okay, okay, um. Are you saying that we would
all be (bleeping) each other? - Dude. You don't understand what I'm saying? Ah, dude, okay, look. Here it is, okay? You're (bleeping) the girl, right? - Right, right. - Then we bop, bop, bop, bop. - That's it right there! Right there, Trey. - Yeah, what the (bleeping)? I'm not doing that! - You guys, Tommy's about to
walk the plank of marriage. All right, this is our last chance. - Last chance for what? I'm not gonna (bleeping) a guy. - No! Dude, we'd all be (bleeping) the girl! - Oh.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Together, bop, bop, bop, bop. - No!
- No! Right there, Trey. That's the weird part,
the bop, bop, bop, bop. - Okay, I get it, I get it. You don't wanna be disrespectful
to women, I get that. - That's not really the issue. - Forget the girl. Armenian conveyor belt, just
the groom and his groomsmen. Bop, bop, bop, bop. - No!
- No! - You kept the part that nobody wants! The bop, bop, bop, bop! - Yeah, I definitely don't wanna have sex with any of you guys. - Yeah, you're killing my buzz. - Guys, what the (bleeping), man? This is supposed to be
Tommy's last big celebration, no judgment! - Judgment is not what is keeping us from (bleeping) each other! Geez, forget it, Trey! - No, I'm saying, guys, if you listen to my words, Tommy's in here (bleeping) the stripper, we're in the other room. Bop, bop, bop, bop. - No bop, bop, bop, bop! Nobody wants bop, bop, bop, bop! - Then fine, no bop, bop, bop, bop, okay? No bop, bop, bop, bop. You're here (bleeping) the stripper, the rest of us are just
jiggy, jiggy, jiggy, jiggy. (people yelling) Oh my god, you guys are so gay! - Hey girl, I'm home. - Hey boo, how you doing? - Good. - [Person] How was work? - Sucked. - Aw. Can I ask you a quick question? - Yeah, sure, what up? - I've just been noticing that
every time I leave to go out, the next time I open the computer, the browser history's been cleared. - Hmm. That's weird. - Yesterday I went food
shopping for like 15 minutes. I used the computer before
I went to the store, and when I came back, my history was gone, the cache was cleared and
the cookies had been reset. - Hmm. (suspenseful music) Well, I think sometimes the computer runs an automatic software update, so maybe that just kind
of clears the history. - Yeah, except when you
update the software, a little window pops
up and you click okay, and then it gets installed. So? - Hmm. (suspenseful music) I don't know. Maybe there's something wrong
with the computer, you know? And it's just one of those things, whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source, it has to reboot and it just
totally wipes out the history. - Be honest, babe. It's porn, right? (suspenseful music) - Porn? What's, oh, pornography? No. - It's okay if you look at
porn, I assumed you did anyways. I mean, every guy does. I'm perfectly okay with that, as long as it's not that weird stuff. (suspenseful music) Oh. All right, well, I mean kinky's okay. I like kinky. As long as it's not that
sick, twisted S and M stuff. (suspenseful music) (sweat trickling) Wow. Um. Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey. It is your fantasy. Just as long as you're
not looking at women who. (suspenseful music) Not women? Wow! Okay! Men? (suspenseful music) Chicks with dicks? Horses? (suspenseful music) Worse than horses? (suspenseful music) Wow. - Baby, gimme a little credit. None of that matters. The only thing that matters
that when we're doing it, I'm thinking about you and
you're thinking about me, right? Right, baby? (suspenseful music) (sweat trickling) (smooth music) (people moaning) - Oh. (person laughing) Hi. I wasn't expecting to see
you all undulating up here. I just put my jacket on the bed when I first came to the party, but I didn't realize that the
party made its way up here. But I'll get that now. I will if you. Uh, Carol, I don't know if
you're in there somewhere, but wherever you are, thank
you for the invitation. I really enjoyed myself. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Okay, hey, sir, I think I see my jacket. I think your arm is in
the sleeve, actually. I'll grab, that's not my
jacket and that's not your arm. It's not your arm. White people are crazy. White people are crazy. Just looking for a jacket. Sir, okay, yes. Very nice mustache, I've
never seen one above the nose. That's interesting. That's not your nose, okay. Sorry to disturb you, sir. Just looking for a jacket. Just a ordinary man looking for a jacket. You want to say something
to me, sir? Are you, oh. Mm, no. Thank you very much, sir. It tasted a little bit
like salty butt (bleeping), but that's okay. It's tweed, the jacket I'm talking about, and it's got leather patches on it. Just, oh, maybe this is it. Thank you, found it. And nope, that's not it. But congratulations, ma'am. You are doing great
with what God gave you. Nope, don't look at me in the eyes, ma'am. I don't want you to steal my soul. Hi, ladies. Nice to meet you and sir,
yes, I do see you too. Okay, yes. White people are crazy. Oh no, I'm okay, I really am. I'm already seeing a group of people, and we're taking it slowly. We are taking it slowly. It's a church. Maybe some of y'all would be interested in looking into that. Not mine, but one somewhere if that's, okay, thank you, ma'am. There it is, I found it. Found the jacket. It's right here. I'm gonna pull it, and I believe it might be
lodged somewhere within ya. I'm just guessing, because that is just a
little bit of resistance. All right, there we go. And you know what? That is going to be yours. Keep it, thank you. Cover yourself up. Carol, if you're in there, I'll see you at the office tomorrow. Just bring the bowl. You can finish the egg salad. My god, white people crazy. What up, homies? - Welcome to cunnilingus class. I'm Shaboots Michaels. - I'm T-Ray Tombstone. - And we here to teach
y'all how to go down on bitches right. Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it. - Quit (bleeping) on that
clitoris so damn hard. - Bitches don't like that nonsense. - That's like putting the tip
of your penis in the vacuum. - Y'all need to chill on the clitoris. - Go around that business. - That's like a button made
of a million penis tops. - Now every bitch like her cunnilingus a little bit different. - Vaginas are like snowflakes. - Snowflakes is different. Learn yo bitch's snowflake. - Ask your bitch what she wants. - Then do what she says.
- Then do what she says. Some like it in a circle. - Some bitches like it up and down. - Some bitches like it hard.
- Some bitches like it's soft. Communicate with your bitches. - Make the alphabet with your tongue. - A, B, C, D. - And when she grab your hair like she gonna pull your damn head off, stick with that letter. I'm talking about B. (Shaboots vocalizing) - Or D-D-D-D-D-D. Vaginas deserve respect.
- Vaginas deserve respect. - You don't want someone slapping
around your little homie. (T-Ray yelling) - You with the hat. - Yo. - How you like your BJs? - Damn, dog, all the time. (students laughing) - Shut the (bleeping) up! That's 'cause penises is
easy and vaginas is hard. They're confusing!
- Confusing! Imagine there was an explosion
at the envelope factory. - Flaps everywhere, a world of flaps. - And you need to lick
your way out the factory. - But every bitch's flaps is different. - Learn your bitch's particular flaps. - Flaps be crazy!
- Crazy! Every flap need to be listened to. - And then you will get
outta the factory alive. - Stay down there. - Plan your breathing
like you're swimming. You gotta be talking about
stroke, stroke, breathe. - Stroke, stroke, breathe. (teachers panting) All right, let's take a five minute break. - And when we come back, we're gonna talk about warming
your up before you get busy. - And how to last for more
than two damn minutes. - Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach. - Well, I think it's gonna work. - 30 down, 3 billion to go. (teachers laughing) - It's a weird one. Nothing outta place, no murder weapon. - And no motive. There's just a couple
lying dead in their bed. - The proof is always
out there, detectives. You just have to know
where to find the pudding. - Excuse me, sir, you can't be here. That's the crime scene.
- Samwell. It's okay. He's the greatest sex crime
investigator in history. If it isn't Detective Chuck Vaughn. - Detective Sally Ferguson. - We could use a genius right now. - Tom Samwell. - What have we got, Samwell? - Well, Vaughn, we've got
ourselves a hard case here. All we've got is-- - Two bodies, both dead, naked. One man, one woman in the bed. Two scented candles by the nightstand. - How did you-- - Shh. - No sign of forced entry. He loved the way they smelled. He wanted to cross the threshold the way they had on their wedding day. You dirty dog. He would've experienced
that pleasure right here. (Vaughn moaning) Anniversary, the couple
was together for a while, wanted to spice things up. Check the date on the photograph. - Vaughn's right. Today was their 15th wedding
anniversary, this is huge. - And what the (bleeping) was that? - You just pulled your dick out and started jerking
off at the crime scene. - Samwell, he's the best there is. By putting himself in the
perpetrator's mindset, he's able to solve
crimes that involve sex. Bag this up. - Some call it a blessing. It's more like a curse. - Is that what it feels like? (suspenseful music) - Threesome. You wanted to see them, didn't you? You wanted to watch. 25 feet from the bedroom
across from the kitchen. You didn't want to see
their flesh yet, did you? No. He stood right here. (Vaughn moaning) - [Samwell] Oh, come on. - Role play gone wrong. Check the logs. - We've got a bloody fire poker. We've got our murder weapon. - Um, why do your revelations
require masturbation? - Why do kittens require milk? - No, not the same thing. - Hey, hey. He's the most brilliant
goddamn detective I know. Put your ego aside and
give Vaughn his space. - My ego? We've got Captain Pud Puller flinging his fluids all
over the crime scene. - Wait. He knew them. They were close, so close. Too close. He, he, I think he knew the house. Why? Oh, what did you want, you sick bastard? You wanted to see what he saw every day. Only closer. Closer. He was close to home. (Vaughn moaning) (suspenseful music) There's our man! - [Sally] All right,
let's go get him. Go, go! - Vaughn, that was amazing. I'm sorry that I doubted you. Your methods are unorthodox, but I cannot argue with your results. - No hard feelings? - Uh, no, not gonna do that. Good to see you, old boy. How was Kenya? - I love Kenya, absolutely
adore the place. You know, it's so important
to protect them, you know? The few untouched tribes left. - Indeed. - Yes, and while we're on the subject, I've got something of
a confession to make. - Oh dear. - While I was down there, I caught the attention
of a young Maasai woman. - You didn't. - She took me for an exotic, sophisticated superman of sorts, and developed something of a liking to me. - Well, isn't that always the way? - Yes it is. And it was quite awful, Gerald. She came down to my hut wearing nothing but a fertility headdress
and carrying a husband stick and oh, I had to
participate in the custom. - Well, you'd be morally irresponsible if you did not participate in the custom. You could destroy the
entire social structure. - Oh, I felt so terrible about that. - Of course you did, Gerald. - I felt terrible seven times. - Dreadful. But you know, Gerald, I
too have a confession. - [Gerald] Do tell. - Remember several years ago
when I went to the Amazon? - Yes. - Yes, well, I accidentally
packed a lighter in my satchel. - Oh my. - Yes, well, one day I
absentmindedly lit the flint and the entire village took me for a God. - Oh no. - Yes. Every sundown, as I was being fallated by all the young women of the village, which is the local custom, I felt completely embarrassed
by the entire affair. - I can only imagine in some vivid detail, but you can't deny the local custom. - You absolutely cannot
deny the local customs. - You can't deny the local customs. - You cannot deny the local customs. One thing you must do is
adhere to the local customs. - You can't deny the local customs. - You must adhere to the local customs. You must adhere to the local customs. - Local customs must not be denied. - It's the least one can do. - It all reminds me of the
time I was in Papua New Guinea and I introduced a local tribe to the French term menage a trois. After that evening, a couple of the local men called me Papua. - Oh dear. Whoopsy daisy! (Gerald imitating explosion) - Whoopsy daisy indeed. It's getting harder and harder
to protect the local tribes from the influence of
the outside civilization. - I know exactly what you mean, old boy. Exactly. And I must confess that the last time I was deep in the bush in Australia. - Yes? - I ended up deep in bush in Australia. Booyah. Well, where are you off to now, old boy? - I'm off to Tanzania. - Tanzania. Make sure that you go during and eclipse, because then everyone will
want to have sex with you. (both humming) - Regrettably.
- Regrettably. (both humming) ♪ Tittly tit ta tum ta tum tit ♪ (light music) (audience applauding) - What if we told y'all that once a month, half the human race is in pain? - And the other half don't
wanna hear (bleeping) about it? - I'm Shaboots Michaels! - I'm T-Ray Tombstone! - Welcome to menstruation orientation. - [T-Ray] Oh no, you don't! - Now we know you don't
want to hear about it. - But they don't wanna have it, so sit your ass down and
listen for once in your life. - Today, we gonna talk to all you men about what happens to your
women when they on their periods and why it's important to be
sensitive to that (bleeping). - Don't say chillax, relax,
calm down and how come? - Don't say ass, fat, grumpy, or cranky. - They ain't cranky. - They got blood coming
outta their vaginas, y'all! - That's some biblical
plague (bleeping), y'all. - That would be like once a month, if you had locusts flying
outta your dick for a week. - Your ass wouldn't be cranky. - Your ass would be like, whoa! (both yelling) What's happening? - So be nice to your
bitches when they bleedin'! - If you ain't getting em (bleeping). - Get the (bleeping) out they way. - They got cramps. - They got headaches. - They got weight gain. - And every time they pee, it's like "The Shining" in the toilet. - Be supportive. - Be empathetic. - But whatever you do,
do not try to solve it. - Don't even bring that (bleeping) up. - When women be hanging out together, their periods will sync up. - Vaginas be communicating. - They got their own vagina language. Talking about.
- Talking about. (Shaboots speaking gibberish) - [T-Ray] Oh man. (Shaboots speaking gibberish) Okay? (Shaboots speaking gibberish) - If you find yourself
around a group of women and they all have a back
ache, back always slowly, - What's that in your
pocket there, Shaboots? - Recognize this mother (bleeping)? - That ain't space dynamite. - That's a tampon. - Learn what your bitch has to go through. - First, you put this
piece in your vagina. Then you push this part
into the first piece. Then you throw this part away. Do that several times a day
for a week every goddamn month. - It's the worst thing ever all the time. - And it's much worse for them than it is for you to hear about it. - And periods is important. That's how the body
gets rid of the old eggs so it can cook up them new ones. - So listen to what's going on
with your female emotionally and get your bitch some chocolate. - Don't call her a bitch, but
get your bitch some chocolate. - Yeah!
- Yeah! - Chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. - Chocolate! - Chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate. - Chocolate! (audience cheering) Chocolate! - Chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate, chocolate. - Chocolate! (smooth music) ♪ All I want is ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪
