(upbeat music)
♪ I want you ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪ - And that's what we're here to say, is that we are the New
Black Panther Party. - [Reporter] What's the biggest
problem facing the movement? - Well, we're supposed to be in this era of so-called post racial harmony
with all people in America, but us blacks are being
murdered all over the place and we get the same treatment
time and time again. We're not even second-class citizens. We third-class. Stand up black America and
declare to white America that we aren't gonna
take this no more, okay? - [Reporter] Why come
out now and say this? - You know what? You had 400 years to
get it right, America, but you don't know how to
treat your people, all people. It's time to stand up. It's time to take back. It's time for us to fight back. And we don't take your
phony words anymore. We're not gonna do it. We want concrete results. No, you, you, you hear
what we're saying to you? United States of America? What are you supposed to
do when the whole world is watching and no one is saying anything? We will not be silent. - [Reporter] Okay, you, sir. Anything you wanted to say? - Oh, me, no, I'm good. (tense music) - Eight kilos, 100% pure
grade Afghani heroine. (blade switching) (sniffing) - $100,000 US dollars. (tense music) - Hold up, we should count it first. - Be my guest. - We're gonna a straight
count on this right now. - Count it, count it. - Yeah.
- Good idea. We should probably do it fast so we don't make our friends here wait. - 20, 40, 60, 80, 100,
20, 40, 60, 80, 200. - You know what, I'm fast. Let me just do it. I'll take care of that. One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine. One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine. One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine. - Why are you doing piles of nine? - It's faster than tens. - Oh, really? - I do my nines 10 times and then do an extra pile of ten. - Fast, okay, you know what? We should probably both be counting. - Oh, well then let's just get to it then. Double trouble, all right? (both counting indistinctly) - I'm sorry, could you please, could you do something
like over there please? It's a little distracting. - Oh, you know what?
- [Keegan] What's that? - I got it. We could time me, okay? We time me counting out $1,000. We take that time and
then we just count money for that time times 100. - (in foreign language). - No, I got it. This is it right here. I'm gonna do a web search for
a picture of $100,000, okay? Then we'll know what it's
supposed to look like. And then we can arrange our
money to look exactly like it. And see, here, hey, here we go. Right here, look. I mean, damn, that looks, that looks just like a lot like our money. I think we got $100,000 here, folks. I think we made it. - That is our money. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Earlier when we were counting, I took a picture of our money so I could upload it on Yahoo Answers. - [Keegan] Oh, damn.
- That's right. I just wanted to see
if anyone could verify what $100,000 looked like. - (beep).
- Oh, you got it. - What was I thinking? I got it, man. - Go, go, go, go.
- I got it. - [Jordan] What the
hell are you doing, man? - I was going to try to "Rain Man" it. - Well, that's a plan right there. - That's right, okay, yeah. Here we go, here we go. (money rustling) Yup, yup, I got that, I got that. (softly counting indistinctly) $99,980.
(tense music) (guns firing) (thudding) - (in foreign language). Oh, (beep).
(whooshing) - I actually pressed it already. - Huh? - The walk button, I pressed it. - Couldn't hurt to press it again. - But it won't help. I mean, I pressed it already, right? It's already done. You don't think I didn't press it? - No, I wasn't saying that. - Good, 'cause I most
certainly did press it. Just have to wait for it to change. - So I'm like late for work,
so I'm just gonna press it. - What for? Why would you do something
that's already done? I mean, I just think
that that's crazy, right? - I don't know. - You wouldn't suit up and try to kill Bin
Laden again; it's done. I have killed the Bin Laden
of pressing this button. - How long ago did you press it? What do you think, I've
been standing here for days? I just pressed it right as you walked up. - Are you sure you pressed it? - Am I sure I pressed it? How could I miss it? Rats know how to press buttons. Do you think I'm dumber than a rat? - No, no, nobody's saying
anything like that. - It's going to change. Just, just wait. It's because I pressed it already. Okay, no offense, I'm
just going to press it. - What would you do that for? This is precision equipment
designed by people with engineering degrees. It will work. I pressed it, sir. I pressed the button. - While we've been standing here, the light cycle has gone by twice, okay. I'm not saying you didn't press it. I'm just saying maybe it didn't work. - If it doesn't work for me, why in the world would it work for you? You think that it would change
faster if you pressed it? You think the light doesn't
like me or something? Or do you think that this
particular button was designed so that it only works
up to the second time that it's been pressed? 'Cause that's lunacy, okay? Do you understand? Do not cut my balls off on this one, okay? Please, do not press the button again. - Okay, fine, we'll just stand here. - Thank you, hey, no. (button beeping) (smashing)
(yelling) I told you you shouldn't
have pressed the button. Told him not to do it. No, actually I already pressed the button. (majestic theme music) - Rick Nickelsby, reporting
live from a gruesome scene. A cult known as QET or
Quest for Eternal Truth has apparently taken their
own lives in a mass suicide. Police confirmed that
cyanide laced cherry Kool-Aid was also on the premises. Excuse me, hi, Rick
Nickelsby, channel six. Hi, are you two from the neighborhood? - Yes.
- No. - No.
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Okay, were you two members
of the cult that lived here? - The cult, what cult? Was this a cult right here? I had no idea this was a cult. - Although I will say the term "cult" is a little judgmental. - I would say the same thing, yeah. - Not knowing the full doctrine. - Well, apparently they believed that there was a spaceship
waiting for them behind the moon. - Okay, well, that still
is really possible. It's possible, right? I mean, who knows what is
out there in the universe? - Anything could be behind the moon. - Well, it appears they killed themselves in order to board the ship. - Right, and that's where we disagreed with them right there, or would have. We would have disagreed
with them had we been there on our departure day. Their departure day, their departure day, which is the that they did this. I mean, that's what you
could call it if you want to, but I ain't in no cult, though. - I mean, what I always wondered is how, or am starting to wonder
since you brought this to our attention, why if there
was a spaceship in the sky, why wouldn't it just
beam us up, beam them up? - Right, just beam 'em up. Why can't you just beam them up alive? Why you gotta be dead to get beamed up? You know what I'm saying? I've been saying that for
weeks, seconds, for seconds. 'Cause because you, Rick
Nickelsby, you told us that and that's how I knew because
15 seconds ago, you said it. I didn't know anything about
it until you had said it 'cause I ain't in no cult. - Okay, well then why
would someone join a cult? - Charismatic leader,
like a compelling person. Taco Tuesday.
- Taco Tuesday. I mean, hypothetically, they could have had tacos on Tuesday, which would have been a draw. I mean, that would have been a plus. - Okay, so this is a tragic
day for this community and for the members of the
Quest for Earthly Truth. I'm Rick Nickelsby, reporting to ... (whooshing) - You see?
- Yup. - You see? - Everybody jumped the gun. We're ready.
(whooshing) - Best comic book adaptation to film. Hands down, no argument. - See you later, girls. I know I'm in the
minority here, but I don't really like the Christopher
Nolan "Batman" movies. I don't, I really just feel
like they're overrated. - Okay.
(laughing) - Well that's, that's
just an opinion, you see? That's why I prefaced it by saying, "I know I'm in the minority." - Awkward.
(laughing) - You know what, no, no, not really. It's not awkward. At least not until you said "awkward." Now it's awkward because of what you said. - Anyway.
- Anyway what? Anyway what? Really, because when you say "anyway," then you have to follow it up
with an actual contribution to the conversation we're having. - Yikes.
- No, look at me. Look at me, look at me,
look at me, look at me. There's no "yikes," and the
reason why there's no yikes is that there's nothing scary
about this situation, okay? It's a very low stakes situation. - All right.
- No, not all right. Come here, no, don't look at him. Don't look at either of those guys. Look at me, all right? All right, what? 'Cause after you say "all right," you have to follow that up with something. Don't do it. Don't look at them. Do not look at them. No, no, do not look at them. Do not look at them, don't-- - Tell us how you really feel. - Okay, you know what? I'll tell you how I really feel. Listen, I really feel
like you're an asshole who has nothing interesting
to say, so what, ow. Nope, don't look at them. Come here, turn it right here. Tell me an opinion that
you have about something. Just one opinion that you
have about anything at all. Just share an opinion, anything. Share an opinion, share an
opinion, share an opinion. Share an opinion right now,
just off the top of your head. Share an opinion, anything. Just one opinion. That's all I'm asking. Share one opinion right now. (yelling) - I don't have an opinion,
that's why I just like everything that everyone else likes in pop culture. (sobs) Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. (thudding) (sobbing) - Okay.
(whooshing) - Hey man, this your first time? - No, man, I've been
doing zombie extra work on this show since day
one, first season, man. - It's my first time. - Oh, it's your first time on this show? - My first time being extra at all. - [Keegan] Ever? - I'm kind of nervous. - Oh wow, okay, man. Hey, man, it's all right, buddy. You'll be all right, man. It's okay, man. It's not that hard, man. You'll be all right. Me personally, dude, I'm looking
for that lunge bump though. - So what's a lunge bump? - That's a like if you, you get featured, if you lunge at somebody and then you get a bump in your pay. And if you really lucky,
man, they blow your head off, that's straight bank right there. - All right, extras.
- Jerry. - Assistant director, gather around. - Jerry, hey, Jerry, I had a thought man, about the first scene that y'all is-- - Not now, Stan. - Oh, Steve, it's Steve. - Okay, I'm going to need
somebody to lunge at the fence. (growling) You think you can handle it? - Him?
- Yeah. - It's his first day though. He kinda nervous, man. He kinda nervous. It's his first day. - Okay, so the director's
going to yell, "Action." Mack's gonna come by and then you're just going to
lunge into the fence, like- (growls) - You want me to say, "Grah?" - Oh, this is crazy.
- Say whatever. - Okay, all right, cool man. Hey, hey, that's cool. You know I got a lot more experience, man. You can just use me. I've been here day one, first season, so. Okay, cool, all right. That's fine. You gonna go with him? All right, good for you, man. Good for you. - Grah, grah? - No, you don't have to say, "Grah." Do whatever yell you want to do, man. - That's the lunge bump? - That is the lunge bump, man. You got it. You got it on your first day
ever being an extra ever. You got it, man. Good for you.
- And action. (eerie suspenseful music) (fence jingling) (high-pitched mumbling) What the hell was that? Cut.
- Oh, man. I would be more than
happy to fill in, man. I'll be more than happy to step in. - Mack, just remember when you're coming through the factory that, like your mind is still
in the car accident. - I mean, y'all got to pick people based on qualifications, man. - Okay, that's a good note, good note. But maybe what I was doing
sort of superseded that. - Agreed, yeah, we were
just discussing that. Absolutely, it supersedes it. Yeah, but let's do one
that just sedes it, okay? Just same level. We're going again and straight away, okay? Right away, reset. - He's not doing a good job at it. You're doing great though, man. Opportunity knocks, you're
going to answer the door, man. - [Director] And action. (growling) (eerie suspenseful music) (high-pitched mumbling) - [Jerry] Cut.
- I'll be more than happy to step in at any time you want me to. I'd be more than happy to do it. - It's just a certain sense of urgency is all we're looking for. Clock's ticking, you got
survivors to find, right? - Can I tell y'all something? This dude right here is not
doing what a zombie does. This dude was literally on our
last take waving his hand up in the air like this,
Jerry, making Beaker sounds. He sounded like Beaker
from the Muppets, y'all. - Thank you, that's great. Just a ticking clock on this
is what we're looking for because there are survivors
is what we're after. - I found the ambivalence in there. - The ambivalence is art. It's gorgeous and we love
it, but there are zombies, so if we could just pick
up the pace just a hair, that'd be great. Straightaway please, right away. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, but Jerry, we're not doing "Night of
the Living Muppets," are we? - [Jerry] We are not.
- Because the Beaker is not a zombie. - You have any notes? - Yeah, don't be a (beep) Beaker. - Quiet, please, action. (eerie suspenseful music) - I'm gonna eat your brains, zombie. - [Jerry] Cut.
- No. He actually just said the word "zombie." Come on, man. You ever hear a zombie say
the word "zombie" before? No, you haven't. I don't think so. - You know what, get rid of this guy. - Thank you, that's
what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, dawg, but you're
terrible at this, man. Do your thing. Hey, man, no, he talking about him. - No.
- He's talking about him 'cause he said "zombie." - Thank you, Steve. - No, you want me to leave? Hey, man, I've been up
here staggering around here for three and a half years and I've been startling
extras left and right. When do I get to startle the lead, huh? - One more for safety, straight away. Here we go, still rolling, action. (eerie suspenseful music) - Hey, what do we do if we
have to go to the bathroom? - We like it? - I love it. Genius, moving on.
- Thank God. ♪ Saving Earth from space ♪ ♪ Power Falcons ♪ (stomping)
(action rock music) (smashing) (whooshing) - Yellow Falcon, what
do your senses tell you? - Destructo is a killing machine. His armor is impervious to our blasters. You got any ideas, Red Falcon? - Sure do, Yellow Falcon. Blue Falcon, you remember
our battle at Dango Bluff? I'll take the legs. You take the blasters. - It was Beaver Creek and I took the legs. Make sure you sharp that
flank, Black Falcon. - Are you talking to me? Because I'm the Green Falcon. No time for that, Black Falcon. Purple Falcon, arm missiles. - Roger that, arming missiles now. - Battle formations, we're going in. - Hey--
- Roger that. - Hold up.
- Copy that. - Roger.
- My falcon is green. - Hey, hey, we can talk
about our falcon colors when we get back to base, Black Falcon. Right now, we've got a mission to do. Fall into falcon formation. (whooshing) - Well, now here's the issue is that you're gonna give me an order. I'm not going to know you're talking to me because I'm not in a black falcon. - Come on, chill it out, Black Falcon. - Yeah, Black Falcon, relax. - First of all, I don't like the way you
guys are saying "black." Second of all, there is no Black Falcon. I'm Green Falcon. - Black Falcon, homie. No one's trying to get
up in your grill here. - Don't talk to me like that. No, don't say grill like that. I'm the Green Falcon and I-- - Oh, stop being so Black Falcon about it. - What the (beep) do you mean by that? - Black Falcon, brother, I understand what you're going through. - Do you? No, I don't think you do. How would you feel if I
called you "Red Falcon," huh? - Whoa.
- And Purple Falcon, how would you feel if I called
you "Yellow Falcon," huh? - That's racist.
- That was racist. - Yeah, that's racist. - Oh, that is racist. - That's racist? Oh, see, okay, no, forget it. Black Falcon out, Green Falcon. Green Falcon, dammit. - Hey, why'd that Green Falcon
fall out of falcon formation? Black Falcon, get on that report back. Black Falcon, Black Falcon, come in. ♪ Saving Earth from space ♪ ♪ Power Falcons ♪ - Excuse me, big man, big man, big man. Excuse me, big man. No, but big man. Okay, God bless you. I'll catch you on up flip. - Thank you, big man. Thank you, big man. (laughs) - Hey, brother.
- Hey. - Can I ask you a question
real quick though, brother man? - See, that's good 'cause I was
about to ask you a question. - Okay, so here's the deal, man. Crazy thing, my car ran out of
gas about a mile up the road. That's the way. I was just wondering if I could
get a little bit of money, just get a couple of gallons. - Okay, that's crazy 'cause you know what? My car had also broke
down right up the road. I got my daughter here, she's fine. She's sleeping in the car. I got to get back to her real quick. So if you could help me out. - I was going to ask
you if you can help me. See, let me just give
you my wallet out here and show you my ID to let you know that I am straight up legit. It's real, I ain't trying to
try to do nothing to nobody. - On the issue of legitimacy, I too have an identification. That's an employee ID
from Borders Bookstore. - You see right here, I got my Bally's Total
Fitness ID right here. Shows you that I stay fit and
conscientious and whatnot. You'll also notice that these other IDs I have in my hand have
the same name on it, which makes you know that it is indeed me. - Okay, I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this
Yogurt Land punch card. - Okay, yeah, I see that. - You see that right there? That is, I'm up to my
ninth purchase apparently and you can't fake that. - Yeah.
- All right. So normally I would not ask
another person for assistance, but our family is in a
fiduciary crisis right now. My wife is languishing in the hospital. She a construction worker and what happened is she
got struck in the face by a power line, fried her whole head up, burnt both her eyeballs out. She's getting an eyeball
replacement surgery as we speak. - I also have a spousal injury
crisis on my midst as well. My wife was in the astronaut program, making her a full-fledged astronaut. And she had gotten moon
dust in her lungs, inhaled. - It's never good. It's never good. - We don't want that. So maybe we could find an
ATM or something like that. Oh, look, that's one over there. - What's the chances of it? We should probably check that out. Yeah, let's just take a look right there. - [Jordan] Here we are. - Here we are. ATM machines that I did not
know previously were here. - All right, two of them no less. - I'll tell you what we
should do though, man. You give me the $20, okay? I'll give you the $3 that's on my person. Then I will give you the $17 after. - Then you give me that $17. I'll cut you a check for
$100 just to cover that. You give me the change in cash. - Okay, I feel that. - Why am I playing? I'm just going to give you my ATM card so you know I'm legit. - I'm going before you. I'm going to give you my ATM card so we both have something of
value from the other person. - All right, and your code is? - It is 1234, and yours, sir? - 1235.
- Thank you. (beeping) That, that is a Wells Rewards card. - Okay, that is a credit card
place holder you would find in a translucent sleeve
in a brand new wallet. (car alarm chirping) (both speaking indistinctly) - Can I ask you a
question, biggest of man? (prison doors slamming) (indistinct yelling) - Hey man, you gotta let me outta here. - Oh, okay.
(keys jingling) (tense music) (door slamming) You tricked me. - I can honestly say I
wasn't trying to trick you. - You weren't? - All I said was you got
to let me out of here. There's no trick. - So I do have to let you out of here? - Yes?
- Okay. (keys jingling) (tense music) Bon voyage.
(door slamming) Orders to let him go. I don't know why he was in
there in the first place. I don't know. (door slamming)
(keys jingling) Look, you really got me in trouble. - Sorry.
- Yeah, you must think I'm stupid. Well, I'm not stupid. I'm smart, so yeah. - Know how you can prove
that you really smart? - Oh yeah, let me guess. You want me to let you outta here again? - Well ...
- You know what? You think you can trick me
into letting you out again. Well you can't, because this is my choice. Get the heck out of here. - All right.
- All right. (tense music)
Reverse psychology. (door slamming) I am sorry about that, guys. That was me, guys. My bad, my bad. Real nice, now they said
they're going to dock my pay and if I let you outta here again, then I'm going to be severely punished. I don't know. What do you know? - I'm actually surprised they
haven't already thrown you in here with me. - No, prison is for bad guys. You're a bad guy and I'm a good guy. - Yeah, but you could see how from my perspective, I'm a good guy. - Wait, you're a good guy? Oh my gosh. (tense music)
(door slamming) - It doesn't seem like you
understand what your job is. - Oh, okay, I see what you're doing. You're trying to manipulate
me with reverse psychology. Well, it's not going to work. (tense music) - It's not even worth
going out there again. Look, they're just gonna get me and bring me back in here
just like they always do. Unless ...
- What? - No, forget it. I don't want to take
advantage of you anymore. - Look, look, hey, no, no, listen. I'm not going to fall for it. Whatever it is, you may
as well just tell me. - I was just gonna say
that like if you were to help me get past the guards
and get all the way out ... I really, no, I have to tell you. You need to think about
this long and hard. Weigh your options and
consider the ramifications of those options. - Like heck I will. (tense music) Let's go, I'm busting you out of here. - Don't yell, man. You might as well ring the alarm. (alarm ringing) (grunting) - Oh, hi, Tom. Nice to see you, guys. Oh, boy, I did it again, didn't I? (door slamming) I was a prison guard. I wasn't allowed to talk to the prisoners. That was the thing. They said to me, "If you
talk to those prisoners, "you're gonna get in trouble." (thudding)
(dramatic music) - What are we doing in this neighborhood? - Come on, this place
is in our price range. Besides, I mean, people say the neighborhood's turning around. - [] Who the (beep) there? - It's Jordan and Kira. We're here to view the apartment at 3:00. - Oh, (beep), my bad. I had this homeless crackhead trying to set up housing here yesterday. Almost had to beat his ass. But y'all ain't got
nothing to worry about, 'cause anybody try to get up
in here, I will murder them. Let me give y'all the tour. All right, so we got
these vintage windows. They've been here longer
than the building been here. (car revving) Oh, (beep), get away from the window. Get away from the window. Hey, hey, you (beep). I see you out there. You get out that car
and I will murder you. (car screeching) That's what I thought. So roll on, little (beep), roll on. My nephew, Craig. He a good kid. He smoke crack, though. It's a, just in case he come back. I filed the serial number off there, so if you've got to shoot anybody, just make sure to wipe your
fingerprints off this (beep). Well, come on y'all, I
ain't gonna bite you. Brand new cupboards. I put the contact paper in myself here so y'all don't get no germs. Get down.
(thudding) Ain't no thing. I thought Craig was rolling it back. I ain't get shot by
this (beep) twice, damn. While we down here, check this out. Original hardwood floor from
when the building was built. Check out this green, brother. That is craftsmanship. Anyway, come on. (grunting) now, this paint is all new. Oh, (beep), okay, this, this
happened after I had painted. Funny story, we got crackheads
in this neighborhood and one of 'em living right
next door here, right? And one day he was smoking crack. Just went "Loony Tunes"
and mistook his 9mm, that's a pistol, honey,
for the remote control. But don't worry. You ain't never gonna see him again and nobody ever gonna see him again. Plus, I'm gonna put a
fancy little hook in there and turn it into a hat rack. Let's take a look at this bedroom. What the (beep)? - I found this place first. - Found it? Man, I own this place. Can y'all give me a second? (yells)
(thudding) Oh, you gonna bite me, (beep)? I'm gonna cut you with my sword cane. (yells) So that's going to be first
month and last month rent, one security deposit. I'll get the paperwork started. - Okay, baby, let's hit
this rock real quick. (panting) - [Jordan] Father, please
hear our prayer for the poor. - Thank you, father, yes. - We beseech you for the disenfranchised, the less fortunate and those that suffer. Show us your will so we can
continue to do your work. - Yes, father, thank you. - [God] I have come to
answer your prayers. Listen carefully to my instructions. - Hallelujah.
(holy music) - [God] I want you to
sell everything you own and immediately begin service to the poor. (holy music) - I just want to clarify, so everything? - [God] Yes, rid yourself
of all earthly possession. (holy music) - Oh, (beep), this house is haunted. (screaming)
- Everybody out. - Ghost, move.
(screaming) - Go, go, go, go, go, it's insidious. (screaming) (door slamming) - [God] Oh, I see what they did there. - This place is so nice. - This is supposed to be one of the best French places in town. - I did not realize that
you were so cultured. - You're sweet, my French is pretty good, so I can order for both
of us if you'd like. - Oh, well, well, well. - Bonjour, welcome to
(in foreign language). I am your waiter for this evening. My name is (in foreign language),
but you may call me Jean. - Bonjour, Jean.
- Oh, look at you. - If you have any questions
about anything at all, I'm more than happy to assist you with it. - Jean, I got it. (in foreign language). - (in foreign language). Well, our first special tonight
is (in foreign language). It's a (in foreign language)
on (in foreign language), served with a (in foreign language). That is served on a bed
of (in foreign language) and also several (in foreign language) and (in foreign language). - Yum.
- Our soup today is the (in foreign language) with just a dash of (in foreign language), and served with melted
(in foreign language). - Soup.
- Yeah. - Our other seafood today, we have a very nice (in foreign language) from the (in foreign language). It is served with the side of
(in foreign language) sauce. - Oh man, it's just I'm
a little bit overwhelmed. - Yes, okay, I'm so glad you said that. I was about to say the same thing. - So you would recommend getting
the (in foreign language) with the, ooh, I'm sorry. Is the (in foreign language) in a heavy (in foreign language) sauce? - Oh no, no, no. It's more like a (in
foreign language) sauce. (laughing) - What do you think? I'm going to defer to him on this one because he knows this
stuff way better than I do. - (in foreign language)? - What was ...? Yeah, we'll have the- (mumbles) The-
(mumbles) We'll try the- (mumbles) The-
(mumbles) It's been nice knowing you. Have a lovely dinner. (tense music) (door opening) Look, Rashid, I'm gonna
make this really nice and easy for you. I need names and you're
going to give them to me. - You have to listen to me. You have to listen to me. This is all a huge mistake. - (beep), Department of Homeland Security has been monitoring your
calls for weeks, Rashid. We got you. We know about you and your friends. We know that you're a--
- Terrierist. I am a terrierist. We, me and my friends. We breed dogs, specifically terriers. We write terrierist fiction. We spend a good deal of time discussing possible
future terrierist plots. (thudding)
(grunting) - It's a nice try, really is. But it's (beep), Rashid. Come on, is that the best you got that? Now come on, I'm listening. Just tell me, tell me. Tell me about this imminent attack. - What, what? What attack? I don't know what you're talking about. - What am I talking about? I don't know, huh? Huh? I don't know what you're talking about. - [Rashid] I'm telling you. - No, you don't know? - [Rashid] I don't know. I don't know. - June 11th, Rashid. You spoke of an imminent attack. - Oh, yes, that was my friend. Listen, his dog bit him. And I told him if you do not train them, another terrier attack is imminent. (thudding)
(grunting) (coughing) - [Wilson] See, you lied,
and you see what happens? - I'm not lying to you. - Come on, Rashid. I like you. Let's be friends, huh? Now you still haven't
explained to me why we found on the search engine of your computer the words "Target Washington" 49 times? - That is because I was
in DC for a dog show and I had to buy a squeezy toy, a birthday card and some deodorant, all at an affordable price.
- All right. - You can only do that at Target. - Yeah, okay, I see how
you want to play this. Give me this. This is not a case of
mistaken identity, Rashid, and you know it. We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar where you're discussing your
hatred of American ideals? - No, no, idols. American idols, I hate them. They performed "Dancing Queen." It was a desecration to
Abba, my favorite band. - We got you on tape referring to Jafar as one of the architects of-- - [Rashid] 7/11, it was 7/11. Jafar, he designs convenience stores. - 7/11? Oh, (beep). - Wilson, 65 dogs just
attacked the Capitol Building. - Were they terriers? - How did you know? - (beep).
- [Rashid] Praise Abba. (tense music) - It is so good to see you, Keith. - Yeah, we usually have to
wait for a special occasion. - Well, actually I have a little surprise. I got engaged. (squealing)
(laughing) - Son.
(clapping) - Woohoo, yes, wow,
congratulations, little bro. Engaged, kind of a big deal. More for me. I guess. That's what that means. - Yes, well, she got a name?
- Stephanie. - Marriage is a wonderful journey. - 50% end in the divorce. Sorry, bro, them's just the facts. - I will, I will keep
that in mind, thank you. - You got a photo? - Oh yeah.
- AKA, does she exist? There you go. (whistling) (laughing) - Oh, she's beautiful. - Let me get eyes on this. Everybody else already ha ... Great lighting, airbrushed?
- No. - She kind of looks like that one model on "The Price Is Right." - Yes, that's her. - "The Price Is Right?" Clive, that's your show. - Shut up, mom. No, it's not. Oh, yeah, Stephanie,
people always underbid on her showcases. Not the best presenter. - Where's the wedding? - Oh, in Hawaii. - Ooh.
(claps) - Awesome, woohoo, (in foreign language). She ever been married before? - No.
- So she says. Ex-boyfriend, she got one? - Of course.
- Sloppy seconds, at least. Right, Dad? - Keith, she sounds wonderful. - [Keith] Thank you, Mon. - Shut up, Mom. Silence from you. You're cut off from talking. - You know what, Clive? I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to mom. (clapping)
(laughing) Yes, yes, the prodigal son has returned. You know what? You want to go? Let's go, 'cause I've been
here for the last 15 years taking care of mom and dad
while you've been trollopsing all over the world and why? So you can come back here and criticize me for how I treat them? - No, I actually came here to ask you if you would do me the
honor of being my best man? (gentle music) (snorting) I know that we have had our differences, but you're my older brother. (snorting)
(gentle music) We'll pay for your room and we're also going to rent you a car and we'll pay to fly you out there. (sobbing)
(gentle music) - First class? - Well, we can't afford first class. - Well, (beep) you. You're dead to me. - [Mom] Clive.
- [Clive] Shut up, Mom. I'm eating in my room. - Well, that, that went
better than expected. - I think so.
- Yeah. (tapping) (buzzer buzzing) - Hey man, how you doing there? You guys got bow and arrows?
- Yeah. - Oh yeah, oh, that's it. Yeah, there it is. That'll do it. That's going to do it. Yup, where are the arrows at? Yeah, you guys got M-80s? - We don't carry fireworks. - Damn, you have a, you have
something else that's explosive that I could tape to the end of an arrow? - We have shotgun shells,
but I feel I have to ask, are you planning to attach those to arrows and use them as a weapon? - What, no, what, are you crazy? You think that would work though? What if I shot explosive
arrows through a window to break them open? - Sir, I feel like I have to
ask you what you're planning to use these for. - Oh, no, I'm not planning anything. I'm just Christmas shopping. I'm getting 'em. You got zip lines?
- Nope. - But when you got like
hooks and anchors and cables? - We've got some of those things, but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line. - Oh, I'm not doing that, no. Let's say somebody was
manufacturing their own zip line. Do you think if they had
busted some windows open on a building somehow
then fired the zip line off a bow and arrow and it attached to the wall of said building, that they could just ride the
zip line into the building? - I have no idea, sir. Whatever you're planning on
doing, please don't do it. - I'm not doing anything. I'm just doing some Christmas shopping. I'm trying to get it out of the way. Bow and arrow's for my nephew. The zip line's for my grandmother,
et cetera and whatnot. You know what I'm saying? No big deal. Speaking of other things, do you guys have just the top
half of a knight in armor? - First of all, it's
called a suit of armor. - Yep, that's it. That's right, that's
what I'm meant to say. - [Uncle] We have one, but
it's sold as a complete set. - Yup, yup, yeah, well,
the person it's for, they only need the, they don't need the, they just need the top half. They don't need the legs. Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you? What were the chances you think
they try to shoot your legs? - I feel like I have to tell
you that a suit of armor will not deflect bullets. - I'll take my chances, with Christmas. Which brings me to my next question, do you guys have roller skates? - I think we have a pair around. - Let me ask you a question. How fast do you think you have
to be going on roller skates to get past a couple of armed guards and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door? - One of those big bank safes? - No, I don't know, yeah, yeah? Hey, you guys got one of those, those really big bags with a
dollar sign on the side of it? - Okay, you're going to shoot arrows with shotgun shells attached
to them to a bank window to blow out the glass. Then you're going to shoot a
zip line through that window and you're going to slide
on into the hallway. You're going to be wearing roller skates so you can just skate on
past the armed guards, who will be shooting at you. And you're going to hope that
they both won't hit your legs, and if they are aiming at your torso, the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets. Then you're going to hope
to gather enough speed to burst through the big bank vault at the end of the hallway, where you're going to collect the money in a cartoon money bag. - Well, no, I'm just an uncle
who's buying some (beep) for Christmas and I think I'll
take my business elsewhere. Merry Christmas.
- It's April. - [Wife] Neil, Neil.
- Yes, honey. - Neil deGrasse Tyson. I asked you to take the dog out for a walk when I left the house four hours ago. Now I come back and this
little (beep) Sputnik has done pissed on my drapes. Now I've got to get rid of
those things and get new ones. Neil, it doesn't make any sense. You are an astrophysicist. How can you not keep track
of little details like this? - Well, actually, it's the little details that cannot be kept
track of by definition. In 1927, a German university lecturer named Warner Heisenberg came to a seemingly paradoxical conclusion. That the more we know about the position of a particle in physical space, the less we know about its
momentum and vice versa. - Okay, but what-- - Taken in conjunction with what we know about the expansion of the universe, this brings us to a
fascinating possibility. That maybe what we experience as one point in time-space could actually
be a lesion of points, which would mean that your curtains and little Sputnik's
peepee could be as distant from one another as we are
from the furthest galaxy. - Okay, well, just, next time. - Of course, dear. - Neil, there you are. What are you doing? We have to go to my Aunt Nellie's funeral. How are you not ready? I've been talking to
you about this all week. How am I going to find you in your boxers, looking at a science magazine? I swear, Neil, sometimes I think you don't have any idea of what's important. - Well, actually, an
idea of what's important is as close as we can ever come to any definition of importance. Our galaxy is one of
over a hundred billion in the observable universe, and it's a 100,000 light years across, which means it would take light
100,000 years to traverse. - Okay, but--
- But that's just space. If we were to chart the
history of the universe on one calendar year, the history of mankind as we know it, would just take place in the
final second of that year. So whether I'm ready now or in 500 years, cosmically speaking, the
distinction is meaningless. - Well, okay, I'm going now. - Goodbye, honey.
- Neil. Who is she? Who is the white bitch that left this goddamn
lipstick stain on your collar? Oh, I got you. You're caught, because
this is apricot-colored. And you know who wears that? White bitches, and you
can't talk your way out of this one because I'm
not getting confused today because I got my (beep) in
order and I've done my research. Okay, Neil? You see, we are here at
this point in space-time on a human scale, but at this point, you a trifling ass mother (beep), so expect the papers from a lawyer because we're parting ways. - Well, actually ...
- No, nope. - We are always parting
ways and not parting ways in every conceivable combination. Many physicists, including
Stephen Hawking, now believe that there is an infinite
number of universes. It's called the multi-verse theory. And it suggests that there
are an infinite number of universes in which I didn't have sex with that white woman. - I (beep) Bill Nye the Science Guy. - You bitch.
(whooshing) - [Announcer] It's Joe
and Boys in the morning. - Yo, Joey Motion here at 101.3. (everyone shouting indistinctly) - Everybody, man, we still tripping on that last segment though. That was crazy. - That was real crazy, though. - Wardrobe malfunction.
(laughing) - Y'all are crazy. I can't take this no more. - Like y'all dirty, but she's crazy. - Would you do that, Leroy? - Look, man, I grew up
in the hood, all right? So no.
(laughing) - He would want to, but he can't do it because of that fat ass. (laughing) - Why y'all always clowning on Meatball? - You brought it up. - For real though? - You're a lesser person. - Y'all got to stop playing. Meatball, jam with me here, Meatball. (speaking indistinctly) (cheering) - [Announcer] K-Beats, 101.3. (yelling indistinctly)
(upbeat music) - We're just gonna sit there
and relax a little bit. (thudding) - Hey, watch where the (beep) you going. - Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. - Oh.
(baby cooing) I didn't see you had a baby there, man. I'm sorry, I ain't trying
to fight nobody with a baby. - Yeah, hell yeah, you won't. (baby cooing)
- Lucky (beep). - Well, you're lucky
I'm carrying this baby. So with that. - Look, man, you need
to move on, all right? I already told you. I'm not going to fight you. - That's what I thought, punk. Wanna go? Because we can go right now, dawg. What's going on, brother? - Man, what the hell are you doing, man? - What, what, what, what, trying to, I can bob and weave it.
- What? - You bitch ass, punk
ass (beep), let's go. Come on, man, come on. Don't look at your boys. Look at me, man. Don't look at your boys. (slapping) - Ow, oh, okay, you think you hard. All right, but you know what? I'm going to show you what
time it is right now, okay? Slap me? Right? How about this, huh? Now what you going to do, huh? Now what you going to do? You ready? 'Cause we can do it right now because I can take you out, man. (thudding)
Ow, ooh, oof. Okay, oh, it's on now. Yup, you dead, you dead. Excuse me, I need this. (in foreign language). (tense action music)
(belts clicking) - What the? - What now, man? What now? Let's go.
(baby crying) You know what? It's not even worth it, man. (laughing) - That's what I thought, so keep walking. Oh, okay, that's vomit. That is vomit. Oh, dear.
(babies crying) - Okay, but do I look in the camera? No, oh, at you? All right, back on television, all right. (spells zapping) (whooshing)
(rumbling) - Now knock it off, all the stupid ass, grab ass,
touchy feely (beep), goddamn. I told you they was rotten. (tense music) - I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho. Vince Clortho High. This station is just a formality. - Here's a bunch of
stuff that we confiscated just this week. - Stop, you don't have to show them that. - He has a wand with a silencer on it. Why? But I ask again, why? One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby. One out of five.
- [Parnabus] Okay. (laughing) The babies are evil, but the
mothers, they're good kids. As we say at Clortho's,
there's never a portal that cannot be opened with
ingenuity and respect. (spraying) (sighing) - How are you going to be
using an invisible cloak when I can see you're
tagging the damn wall? Dime bag of pixie dust, contraband. - Now see, here's the thing. The kids know that the only way to fly-- - Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable. Get your ass out my office. I will turn you into a spider. They're good kids. Hogwarts and Clortho's,
Clortho's and Hogwarts. Go hand in hand. The best top two wizarding
schools there are. But out of these two schools,
we each have our strikes. We do score a little bit lower
on our standardized tests than Hogwarts, but there
is a cultural bias. We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts. And yes, some of the teachers have to buy their own newt's eyes or bat wings. - One kid got transformed into a cat. They can't even afford to change him back. - This young man's name is Jamar. Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this when they're in human form. But when they're a cat,
we just have at it. Sports, everybody loves sports. It's true.
- Not everybody. - The hallways are a-bluster with the conversation
of our Quidditch team. - Half the team back here are riding mops. We got two little (beep) on Swiffers. - Lester.
(whooshing) When all is said and done, the average Clortho student
said, this mother ... (laughs) Sometimes the kids think it's cute to turn themselves into a
rat, sneak into my office, play a little joke on me. Who is that? Tyrone, is that, is that? No, that's an actual rat. (upbeat music) There he is. Hey.
- [Keegan] What's up? - Man, what's up, man? - Hey, here's the deal. 100% grass-fed Japanese
Kobe beef, $35 a pound. - That's what I'm talking about. All right, let's grill
these little homies up. (sizzling) - Right, all right. Oh man, is that ground chuck man? (laughs) No offense, I ain't trying
park my Bentley next to your Toyota. You know what I'm saying?
- Come on. - Oh, you're just putting it right next to the frozen patties, yeah, all right. - Hey, relax, man. I'm going to cook them good. - Okay.
- All right. So how's Teresa doing? - She's good, she's good. She said she couldn't be here. She's got a closing today. You want to flash cook those
because they real lean. They're grass fed. So you just want to
probably flip 'em right, right now, all right. - Hey, who wants cheese on their burger? - Nobody, nobody, nobody wants cheese. - Anybody want a double burger? - No, nobody wants a double burger. We're not going to double, that's like putting a diamond ring on a (in foreign language). I'm sorry, but the grass
these cows ate costs more than this house.
- All right. No double burgers. - Hey, what the hell? - You may as well just poop on that. - What? - You just ketchup-raped my Kobe burger. This was a mistake. This, no, no, no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, this meat came all the way over here from the Pacific Ocean by boat because the air pressure
would ruin its integrity. Give me that. You are not worthy. Give me that, bro. This is ridiculous. These are $126 ... Oh, this little mother- (dog whimpering) $126 worth of beef. Y'all are not worthy. - Did he take my dog? Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother
move into the neighborhood. - Hey man, it's good to have you over. And I think that you will dig this. - Hey, nice guitar collection. - Oh, thanks, man. You want to hear something? - Yeah, sure.
- All right. All right, let's get this. (gentle acoustic music) ♪ Well, I'm just a good old American boy ♪ ♪ With a heart that's
red, white and true ♪ ♪ Dreaming of the girl with
the red hair and freckles ♪ ♪ And her eyes like the skies of blue ♪ - Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas, so.
- All right. ♪ Keep her safe from the homies
in the wrong side of town ♪ ♪ Where they're smoking the
reefer and acting like clowns ♪ ♪ Keep that pretty white dress
from getting dirty and brown ♪ ♪ 'Cause that's the American way ♪ - Whoa, pretty racist song. - Racist against who? - Black people.
- Black people, but I'm black. - Well, keeping the red-headed girl away from the homies on the wrong side of town? - Homies? Come on, brother. There's all kinds of homies. White homies, Asian homies. - No, homies are black. - No, I think you're
making them black, man. I think that's your stuff. You hear the twang and then
you assume that it's racist, but that's, that's just
what country music is like. Here, look, you're gonna like this one. You'll like this one. - All right.
(gentle acoustic music) ♪ Some folks wear their
hats way off to the side ♪ ♪ With their pants down low
and a gun tucked inside ♪ ♪ Take their beer by the 40 ♪ ♪ And their chicken deep-fried ♪ ♪ I think we all know who we're talking ♪ ♪ The only dark I like is
when I turn off the lights ♪ ♪ The only hood I love
is pointy and white ♪ ♪ Can't trust you if I can't
see your face at night ♪ ♪ I think we all know
who we're talking about ♪ - Hey, wait, stop that, that's racist. - What's what, what is racist about it? - "The only hood I love
is pointy and white?" - Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man. - The Ku Klux Klan? Are you outside of your mind? That's traditional country
music imagery, man. Like a pickup truck or
sleeping under the stars or your dog got killed or your
wife left you, same thing. - I would have been fine
with any of those things. - What is the difference
between those things and what is in the song? - They're not racial. - Hey, you know what? Can I just say something, man? I'm just going to be frank. You're getting a little like Al Sharpton, like Farhan Khan on me right now, man. - Oh my God, are you serious? - Dude, please, hey, give
me, can I do one more? Let me just do one more, dawg. I absolutely promise you
that this song is not racist and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such. - Okay, it seems like you're about to sing the most racist song so far.
- I'm not. ♪ Hidey-Lidey-Lidey-Lee ♪ ♪ Give me a rope and find me a tree ♪ - Okay, I'm out. - Come on, man, hey. Shoot, over here, trying
to sing about a tire swing. Write off an entire genre of music. ♪ The banjos are strumming
and the drums are a-banging ♪ ♪ Let's get the boys together
and have ourselves a hangin' ♪ Oh, damn, now I see it. Now I see it. (upbeat music) ♪ I want you ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪
