60 Minutes Of Iconic Ron Swanson Moments | Parks and Recreation

how were they really couldn't have been better we had a wonderful time oh that's good cuz my sitter is still out of town so I really hate to ask you this but is there any way that you could take him again tomorrow no of course I'd be delighted girls you want to spend another day with Ron yeah Larry salami the human resources department requires that I be available able once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees the rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to willly Nelson on my headphones Kyle parked his car in my spot again now that is the fourth time this month I'm sorry everybody makes mistakes I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toe boo but this hotel always serves big B and wrapped shrimp that's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food I'd go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they serve bacon wrapped shrimp excuse me bacon wrapped shrimp oh thanks I'm okay I wasn't offering excuse me there's a sign at Ramset Park that says do not drink the sprinkler water so I made sun tea with it and now I have an infection sir sir are are are are you listening to me sir sir I'm talking to you sir sir are you aware that there is waste in your water system Ron Ron last name done is that your name or are you telling me you're finished talking both done and done I like on Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings what what is this it's a tow ring with a brown gemstone is this a ruby that's gone bad I am out of ideas jewelry store no that's closed that's why we're doing this perhaps I can be of service how how much do you think Anne would miss this Scott I don't know it's part of her house well okay it's not rocket science I removed the scon fired up my grandfather's torch heated up the pieces in a cast iron bucket liquefied the metal poured into a mold obviously keep it over a low flame to achieve a nice temper cooled it in anif freeze and just forged and shaped the Rings any with a crucible and a Selene torch and a cast iron waffle maker could have done the same whole thing only took me about 20 minutes people who buy things are suckers this isn't mistake why would you call it that on your menu I don't know what to tell you man just give me all the bacon and eggs you have wait wait I worry what you just heard was give me a lot of bacon and eggs what I said was give me all the bacon and eggs you have do you understand hi there what's going on here puppy puppy is here can we keep him my neighbor's dog had a lit they're looking for people to adopt I love him I wish he had tiny puppy shoes I would totally shine his little shoes for free a I do say the cutest stuff look I love a good dog as much as the next guy but this building doesn't allow animals Andy take him outside and shoot him no just keep him outside oh come on Ron I'm just a little puppy I ain't done nothing wrong I'm just a puppy I like your mustache I wish I could have one but I can't cuz I'm just a little puppy okay take them out and shoot them hey can I get these how much are they two bucks a piece good deal anything else nope just the crows and the beef an was getting a little chummy when people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them that's a genius move thank you you're welcome Lester tell me a little about yourself well I love the outdoors love nature amen I'm a big believer in Environmental Conservation Recycling and composting and the like I'm a yoga nut and I'm a nutnut they make delicious milks man and I'm a vegan of course slowly working towards full frean vegan what in God's name is frean vegan you only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters what is on your foot sir my trusty sandals I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged same goes for all chickens well uh Eagleton Ron we here in Pony value loyalty above all else so would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town well as long as that new town were open to the ideals of communal living where everyone pitches in towards a common good and Immortal words of Cat Stevens if you want to be free be free I no longer like Ron shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere oh no if she ever found out that we took her off camera we'd all be fired so just uh keep taking phone calls you're doing great three two hello again I'm Ron Swanson and I am still taking your calls hope hopefully about tonight's Gala you're on the air hi uh what's wrong with Joan she has a bad hangover which she is pretending as allergies is she going to be okay wouldn't know never been hung over after I've had too much whiskey I cook myself a large flank steak pan fried and salted butter I eat that put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep that works it does please call now if you have questions about tonight's Gala or one of my other interests wood work uh novels about tall ships meat that sort of thing this is Ron go ahead caller hi my Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table is there a cheap way to repair that great question take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table that'll mask the scratches next thing you want to do is Ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog any dog under 50 lbs is a cat and cats are pointless come to the gala next next caller Grapes of Wrath chocolate chip ice cream and Johnny Cash don't trust big Banks or small Banks Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons your house isn't haunted you're lonely whatever happened to hey I have some apples would you like to buy them yes thank you that's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country I've seen three movies in my life Bridge on the River qu Patton and Herby fully loaded my girlfriend's kids love it this pretty funny next caller good morning I will be sorry to see you leave this town for many reasons not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve and boy oh boy did you love Andy woof woof it really is embarrassing oh my God I totally know where the key is how'd you remember woof woof bark why here because this tree reminds me of you it's strong and quiet and always here when you need it or whatever I've always felt a certain kinship with April and this is proof that I was correct not the nice things she said about me the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago I have since moved it or have I dinner is served excellent what the shrim ah okay rethink that move Son do you live here April yeah do you live here no catch yeah I thought so I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back it's just a minor medical issue AIDS no I'm safe blindness no is it Like A Parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee I have a hernia do you have syphilis said it's a hernia I know it's possible to have two things do you need a ride to the hospital yes please okay but I rode my bike here so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon thank you bye you're still here yeah just wanted to see if you could tell are you still here yo I had to wait till my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys you ready I was born ready I'm Ron Swanson easy care careful okay everybody the Harvest Festival is tomorrow and I am so proud of all of you you've worked so hard you're amazing so I have a surprise and it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe ladies and gentlemen the world famous Lil Sebastian what yes my godan oh my God I never thought I'd get to meet him TR well done Lesley well done wow looking good yeah I mean I wish we' built one of those elevators that comes up from under the stage you know like a rock Arena kind of thing they're coming what oh they're coming what who the Russians no the state Auditors I accidentally told them what you were doing in an attempt to save some government jobs it's been a very strange day for me with current and projected deficits we need to cut expenditures by 32% let's make it an even 40 oh that's not necessary slash slash I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget just saying that gave me a semi right off the bat we sell City Hall let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a TJ Maxx Ron that is a very creative idea but we don't want to sell any of our major assets because we don't want to lose out on any future revenue streams I hear that don't worry I have tons more ideas okay uh so sorry new ringtone don't cut anything without me hey did you hear the news Ben and Chris want us to go in a conference room C for a meeting let's get this over with happy birthday Ron an said you had a big party sombreros karaoke I did that for an why would I throw Ron Swanson in Anne Perkins party what about the giant list of things April was doing that was just a list of ways to mess with you she do them all she did indeed so I have rented Bridge on the River qu and The Dirty Dozen Arty from security is outside the door so no one will bother you and a cab will be here whenever you're ready to take you home thank you do you remember what you said to me 5 years ago when Eagleton offered me that job and I asked you for your advice uh do whatever the hell you want what do I care right but then after when I pressed you what did you say I believe I said that I thought we worked well together and that I might disagree with your philosophy but I respected you and I said that you'll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown yes let how I remember it this by the way is a one time only situation next year your birthday party is going to be a rager hey you look better I guess actual medicine can be effective who to thk please leave me alone not until we go over your test results and your blood work your blood pressure looks fine I'm not sure how this is possible but your cholesterol is 120 which which is the lowest I've ever seen what's cholesterol and the only problem I see is that your potassium's low so just eat a banana once in a while no thank you I live the way I live I eat the things I eat and I'll die the way I'll die that's oddly beautiful but also stupid you're not alone in the world anymore Ron you're dating a woman who has two kids so every 3 days think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane and eat a damn banana night Ron night Ron ladies ladies what a gorgeous herbaceous medalie there's been a mistake you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats salad is traditionally the first course at a wedding is a Geral marrying a rabbit Ron would you like some salad since I am not a rabbit no I do not try it sounds good for you you got it m [Music] delicious hi hello my name is Ron Swanson I believe Leslie nope may have left some kind of scavenger hunt clue here she did one [Music] second [Music] gentlemen enjoy your evening travels the car of a man a night without armor in a Savage land and good morning Jerry that is a beautiful sweater vest April you look like you could use $20 am I right why cuz you're a kid and kids always need money I need money that's why you're my favorite Tom when Tiger Woods feels Invincible he wears a red shirt and black pants Good morning Deputy Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex I'm a simple man I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food but this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real today I got the real thing a naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning oh I should have taken a picture of it God oh yes baby G it the usual CL when it comes to government hearings the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one that's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by Rex Center teachers would I have stayed if I knew that I don't know would you have would you have no I wouldn't have did you hear Leslie make any promises what constitutes a promise a quid proquo oh do you know Latin okay thank you Ron are we done so you're a princess too hey oh for the last four years everything has been princesses every book every movie every backpack all princesses all a time oh that sounds fun it's a nightmare excuse me I just have to file a quick report I'm uh fing to the police academy soon and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills so tree leaves night sky hand Andy's hand what else you got oh no vice principal emergency what is it I have to leave some idiot kids were caught pooping on the socer field a too bad guess trick-or-treating is over no we can walk him around it's no problem M we just got started oh that's so sweet of you now ladies princess mommy has to go and take care of some bad guys so you be nice to Ron and Andy okay okay let's go to the next house I need to go to the bathro I I have no idea what to do about that oh my God whose baby is that that would be mine guys get in here Ron has a baby oh Ron cool baby thank you Andrew everyone I'd like to introduce you to my son John middle name redacted Swanson John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces much like his father he is a fan of silence please keep your voices down how am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby and you didn't tell me that you had your baby why would you need to know something like that why would I oh my God I have not even sent Diana gift she's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet should we do something just let her Tire herself out I'm only going to ask you this once what is going on with my birthday oh my God Ron it's your birthday happy birthday shut your damn mouth this a fun conversation just tell me what Leslie is planning honestly I I I don't know I haven't heard anything why don't you tell me what she did for your last birthday oh well that was intense she totally surprised me she kidnapped me from work and then she took me to that place Senor Vegas you know where the mariachi band comes out they put a big Sombrero on you and then everybody sings Happy Birthday birthday damn it and then we went back to my house and she invited basically everyone I knew and she had this great guy doing face painting and I had my face painted like a fairy tiger also she did it like a week before my birthday which is genius cuz I had no idea it was coming and then there was a bouncy castle did you know they made those for adults M I humbly placed before you my East Meets West patented Trager turkey burger an Asian fusion Burger made with Willow farms organic turkey a toasted toio cheese crisp papaya Chutney black truffle aoli and micro Greens on a gluten-free bio bun enjoy M this tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells I'm guessing what is this in here sapron wow somebody's got a sharp palette I love the Umami flavor stop being so pretentious Kyle sorry here's mine it's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing add ketchup if you want I couldn't care less Ron I'm so disappointed I thought that you and I were going to have a real challenge never mind this is better way better yep mhm Kyle sorry Andy Ron is better damn it Kyle oh my God it's so much better it's crazy turkey can never beat KY Chris sorry I don't understand I I I've tinkered with this recipe for years granted it's been a long time since I've had hamburger this is better the commissary will continue to serve horrifying arery clogging [Applause] hamburger I couldn't care less about the Commendation but Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse the best damn Steakhouse in the damn State I have taken a pict picture of every steak I've ever eaten there June 2004 Porter House medium rare Beres sauce January 200000 they call this one the enforcer February 96 the steak ribey the whiskey lulan 16 the lady next to me a specifically my ex-wife Tammy okay this is this is the first time I ever went there look at me just a kid hey you big hunka weener meat I've got 40 hand towels some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap let's get gross this Gambit has failed to hell with you woman goodbye what are you wearing it's a crotch Blinder of my own design in this scenario she will be coming at you pantsless Ron Swanson I want to thank you for being so ruthless and cruel in the meeting the other day you'll have to be more specific with the public works department about the damn ah what do you say I take you to lunch and then we can talk about all the project that you want to get accomplished that won't be necessary I don't have any projects I hate projects what a b we should order and then we can talk shop what are you going to have I'm thinking something raw and cucumber based a cucumber I don't know what happened I declined his invitation he started laughing and the next thing I knew we were at lunch did he drug me thank thank you we're here to serve you friend I hope the rest of your day is Cool Beans Ron what is this memo you sent to me you're not going to the Battle Royale I have decided not to attend this year okay first of all it's disturbing that you wrote a memo at all but you love arguing against government spending why do you not want to do it now Leslie please the government knows what it's doing I'm confident that I ouchie you and I are going to lunch we have to talk let me just call T Tammy first and get permission oh come on Tammy I was wondering if I could go to lunch with Leslie terrific bye she says I can't go you're going to lunch with me I say you can go oh gosh I'm really in a pickle now oh my god when Ron Falls for Tammy to he turns into a demonic sex maniac but this neutered wimp this is worse operation golden dove is in trouble hello Ron it's Ron if you're watching this it means that once again you have danced with the devil right now you're probably thinking Tammy's changed we'll be happy together but you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain so you have two choices one get rid of Tammy or two labotomy and castration Choose Wisely stupid this is a waste of time you people have no idea what you're talking about that was you on the tape that was you talking Ron Ron Ron there you are run stop it God please Ron don't do that oh it's done Leslie Tammy and I are in love and we're going to start a family together in fact she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us we're heading off on our honeymoon wow where you going Cherry we're going to spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods we bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 lb bag of peanuts for energy oh God give me it okay excuse me yeah oh God who or what is Penny saber it's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it this was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address where I've lived for less than a month how is that possible this is an extreme invasion of privacy the right to privacy is very important to me my family has had a single PO box for several Generations we only ever subscribed to two magazines Readers Digest and Ebony Ebony was due to a clerical error but it ended up being an interesting year of reading there's only one thing I hate more than lying skim milk which is water that's lying about being milk it is rough in here is it always like this I wouldn't know don't like strip clubs smells like a wet mop in here and I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a lowgrade fever you're one of the good ones Ron wait a minute hello [Music] beautiful strippers do nothing for I like a strong salt of the earth self-possessed woman at the top of her field your Stephie graphs your Cheryl swoops but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime any place Donna this is crazy typhoon is an artist and the human head is his canvas just listen you're going to cut the man's hair you're going to charge him $8 it'll take you four minutes so just shut up and make the man look like this fine so typhoon what do you like to do for fun I'm writing an electronic Opera about Britney Murphy and I do the chandelier design for my friends drag puppet show no further questions all I really want to do is dance except lately all the good Warehouse Raves are filled with Euro trash Euro trash I like that it is indeed a garbage continent yes oh my God I had the worst time in Berlin last May everyone was on their stupid bikes I was like ew please talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles it's been like this for hours hey Swanson stap out of it Leslie congratulate us Ron's got one just like it on his penis oh yeah what the hell happen to you [Music] well yeah baby I got it you may now kiss the bride [Music] it's been kind of a crazy night this came out I am starving I haven't had lunch since yesterday so I'm going to head over to callahans oh no no no don't go there they totally skimp on pickles let me go to bige head Joe's for you they have the most insane burritos I don't much go for ethnic food no no trust me they have one that's called the meat tornado literally killed the guy last year you had me at meat tornado beer garan was a six round pick kie was the fourth round Indianapolis Colts know how to draft so well they really do Andy this was delicious it's awesome huh it's a whole new meat delivery system thank you son what do you say we go out to the parking lot run a few pass plays to burn off the calories you are an Unstoppable good idea machine I like Andy I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department and that includes the men Pon Manning reading the defense re youate hold corner [Laughter] Andy wait up this is the best meditation center in the area it doesn't look like much oh actually this strip mall has surprisingly decent Chi although the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal but through this door lies a deep Serene quietud excuse me ladies on your right now take in the vibe of the room and remain open of mind and of spirit now quietly sit behind me and let's join breath I'll Stand interesting technique all told we were in there about 6 hours and no I was was not meditating I just stood there quietly breathing there were no thoughts in my head whatsoever my mind was blank I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing this is the one this is oh why do you have so many keys we did surgery just like you taught us okay you know what why don't you girls clean up all this hair and I'm going to talk to Ron let's cut off our toes no let's not I'm going to take this bag too you need to fix this it's not that bad nobody got hurt it's extremely bad I love this woman and I just want to show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening what did you just say you love Diane no I did not yes you did that is so cute for God's sake Hansen will you please focus on the larger [Music] problem girls girls I don't know what you think you heard but please please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard lovesy I love nothing Tom I'm asking you as a man to stop this [Applause] immediately W what the here you go Lane 8 no Lane 22 the one at the very end son of a hey perfect game what's your name put it up on a wall I was never here and you will never speak of this again okay let's begin in the barbecue oh hey little guy what are you doing oh no everyone meet your meat why are you doing this to us well in my opinion not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life this is your dinner his name is Tom burn seriously no I understand that it's hilarious but that is his given Christian name Tom is very smart and Incredibly loyal he's basically a dog a dog we're going to cook chew and swallow dude there's kids around here good point which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal if you do a good job I'll give you the bladder you can blow it up for a fun play ball Hey Ron you're not going to slaughter that pig here are you not to worry I have a permit this just says I can do what I want I am the director of the parks department and this is a park it's not a Parks thing it's against like three laws and a dozen Health codes fine barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the food and stuff let's go Tom no Pig [Music] Tom Ron Corleone this really attractive woman is my girlfriend Lucy Hello Lucy hi whoa impressive handshake thanks my father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and Communists he hated both well done Tommy is that bacon on your turkey leg they call it a Swanson wow oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God R I got your hat Ron I have your hat oh my God are you in a lot of pain I was shot in the head with a shotgun Ron it's actually not that serious I just need you to stay calm okay yeah I'm I'm just going to stay angry I find that relaxes me what you okay did you did you shoot me what no there was a bird kind of near me and I know how desperate you were to prove yourself no no I swear I didn't Ron I swear to God I've never shot anyone well you better find out who it was and then purchase them a coffin because I'm going to rip them apart okay crying acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon rage Poise property rights fish for sport only not for meat fish meat is practically a vegetable haircuts there are three acceptable haircut Cuts high and tight crew cut buzz cut are the scissors broken in your house son Ron let's cut the bull I want me Tom and all the other ladies included on your hunting trip hunting trip we're doing a trail survey Leslie you're literally listening to turkey calls is this is this not rap hey there is there a project you're working on I know more than you all right Swanson that's me my name is George mcfaden I wanted to talk to you about the amount of snow in the Parks I've been getting a lot of visitors recently thanks to a stupid worthless new push to make government officials more accessible to the public there is a disturbing lack of benches in ramit park I want to sit more and another thing I like is the layout of the Hing Trails I made this in one of your pottery classes it's terrible this is my [Music] hell everything okay no you ready yeah is this true you only spent $40 on clothes in the past 5 years sounds about right how did you meet Tammy W technically I've known her since I was born she was a candy striper at the hospital she helped deliver me oh my God I grew up in a very small town 600 people everybody knew knew everybody else we first took up together when I was 15 awesome God it was a little scandalous but everyone feared her so they kept their mouths shut I don't even know her but she's my hero oh she's no hero April she's a hellacious nightmare she did however teach me everything I know Sunday school sex she was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter and she taught driver ed hello I don't believe we've met I am Leslie nope Deputy I don't think it would be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here why do I only date brunettes you know sometimes you eat chicken and you get food poisoning and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick Tammy one is my blonde chicken good God Ronald this is a much bigger mess than I imagined you'll take a week off from work we'll do a complete over overhaul of your finances I'll need access to all your accounts and your home is that necessary oh oh we playing a game where everyone says something stupid she's here who's here my ex-wife Tammy to I can smell the sulfur coming off her clo and hooves good knows Ron Tammy Swanson is here she'll be my next witness Tammy two is your killer witness please you're going to have to do better actually she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything pretty good killer witness oh I know that look where is she she's near hide the children hello Ron hello Ron's friend Tammy what could possibly bring you to a children's performance preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn no just trolling for some daddy oh sorry I pronounced that wrong trolling for some Dad D Diane why don't you take the girls for some ice cream while I dispose of the sewer dwelling gutter witch bye Tammy always a pleasure you're not fooling me Ron this little domestic charade of yours hasn't changed you one bit you're still the same old Ron Swanson and I will defeat you I will defeat you right into my pain everybody go crazy Tammy and I don't work we are oil and water or oil and TNT and C4 and a Detonator and a butane torch nothing good will come wait she's here isn't she hi Ron Tammy good good start I'm sorry about this but I just really want to talk to you couldn't we go have a cup of coffee let's get this over with thanks Ron means a lot you're a be coworker do you know what you just did yes Donna I got two people to put aside years of hostility and open a door to the possibility of friendship you were not here when Ron and Tammy got divorced I was those two are crazy yeah and you just open the gates to Crazy Town I was talking to Andy about you and he made me realize that I need you back at work what did he say don't recall fine I'll come back good okay I'm leaving bye zuu bye Duke silver my mom has all your albums I recognized you the day we met have you told anyone no good girl hunting No Quarters required hang on do you have a license to hunt at night cuz you need a license [Laughter] I thought you were serious come on now you know I don't give a what are you eating I call this Turf and turf it's a 16 o T-Bone and a 24 o Porter House also Whiskey and a cigar I'm going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American those cigars inside sir fine I will smoke the entire thing outside even though it is bad for me I am going to do it is this all the eggs we have yes what are you making eggs Red Alert Swanson your ex-wife is back no kidding Donna not her the other ex-wife Tammy W she's in your office would you like to sample our vegan bacon 100% meatless yes please another please sir is there a problem I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this I I don't think I can give you anymore I want one so Tammy for that and many other reasons Ron has decided to end this relationship wait a minute Ron brought you here to break up with me for him she volunteered lesie Ron doesn't want to break up with me what Ron wants to do is leave here right now go to the sleep easiest motel in town and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake no he doesn't I'm pretty sure he does see he's completely over you studios's down here let's go hustle people come on Jerry that's vandalism I have a problem this happens to be the studio where a local SA saxophone Legend named Duke silver records his albums I've heard of him I heard he makes mature women Swoon when he plays from what I've heard about Duke he's kind of a private guy he doesn't want his nosy co-workers discussing his music with him or knowing that he exists so if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around kindly and discreetly discarded you got it Duke don't call me that I dig your gry tunes man do you hear me I said I dig your groovy Tunes man look little girl can we post own this for another day it's unsettling having you just sit there what my reports do tomorrow what's it on why government matters really it's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's tee until they have sore chapped nipples I'm going to need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old what's your name ma'am Lauren burus Lauren my name is Ron Swanson and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government you mustard in your mustache don't sass me burkus let's get started life liberty and property it's John lock this is your lunch now you should be able to do whatever you want to with this right if you want to eat all of it great if you want to throw it away in the garbage that's your prerogative but here I come the government and I get to take 40% of your lunch and that Lauren is how taxes work that's not fair you're learning uh-oh capital gains tax and that Lauren is how FDR ruined this country Lauren ready to head back well I guess it's time for you to head home I've really enjoyed talking with you you are and this is not a joke much smarter than most of the people who work in this building I like talking with you too Mr sponson Ron hang on hang on I have something for you this is a claymore landmine use that to protect your property thanks Ron you got it are you Ron Swanson I am okay what exactly did you teach my daughter oh you must be Mrs burkus Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters this is what she wrote it doesn't well said is this a joke no ma'am I legitimately believe that I'm a Libertarian oh that's nice well she is a fourth grader and fourth graders aren't supposed to have their heads crammed full of weird ideas they're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars I'm very sorry I was only and you ate her lunch and you gave her a a landmine really well it seemed appropriate at the time I how all I'm saying is keep an open mind for a while listen to your teachers and read all the books you can then when you're 18 you can drink Gamble and become a Libertarian the drinking age is 21 I know another stupid government rule so you'll write a new paper yeah can you autograph this one for me sure okay guys we are going to be sightseeing today Andy and Ben are going to go to their meeting and then we're going to go back to the hotel for lunch and I will spend the day getting to know London's history history began on July 4th 1776 everything before that was a mistake Diane suggested we tag along to London for a honeymoon I agreed because my love for for her trumps my hatred for Europe then she hit a phase of morning sickness that knocked her for a loop and decided to stay home but she insisted I go and take pictures for her all of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon a steak dinner a glass of log oful and whiskey then vigorous love making for 2 hours and were both asleep by 8:30 the nodding Hill bus tour starts at 2:00 The Love Actually bus tour starts at 2:30 and oh the bridet Jones bus tour starts at 2:30 also what do we do Ron your pick look a clock we don't have that in America you call that a tower try the Sears Tower friend London at night that is very funny can I help you sir yes I will take this uh we don't accept American currency sir of course you do that's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world accept it very sorry sir fine enjoy the fact that your Royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby our next award is for achievement in chairs the nominees are ASA Christiana for chair Ron Swanson for chair H so exciting Ron this is your moment tune her out she's not even here and the winner is Ron Swanson for chairs this award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about I made my first chair when I was five but the quality of the wood was wanting so when I turned nine I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local Walnut uh thank you for this uh this all good night good uh there it is so while they repaint the lines in the parking lot we're asking everyone to do street parking I'm not street parking my Mercedes well everyone is I'm doing it cuz nobody wants to steal a Saturn all right uh moving on to recycling you okay Ron just a little tooth pain I'm fine continue okay each department will be getting blue bins do you need to go to the dentist Ron I don't like dentists just a second hey no [Applause] no what the oh my God I'm sorry everybody what were we talking about Rec cycling dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday but it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain plus it's always fun to see Tom [Laughter] faint okay so here's what's going on I didn't on Friday I'm supposed to announce that I'm running for city council and I haven't told Ben yet I know I said that we broke up but we couldn't we're still dating but now I have to break up with them for real but I don't want to break up with them cuz he's so cute he's so nice if you're going to stay here there are three rules you need to follow one no talk about Tammy one two no talk about Ben three no talk I didn't even ask you last night what is going on with Tammy 1 you just violated rules number one and three you lose your coffee privileges you choose nope hunting fishing or drinking I'd really love to shoot a gun right now fishing it is she just knows you so well H I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to get to that point I'm worried that maybe there isn't room in your life for another woman at this very moment Leslie is throwing herself in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you Leslie is a wonderful loyal friend who's very important in my life but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us although if You' like to visit Europe I like you so much I'd be willing to risk it but not France right God no see you know me pretty well already but you're about to get to know me even better I brought you here because I want to show you something that almost no one knows about certainly not Tammy and not even Leslie nope ladies and gentlemen and especially the ladies put your hands together for the one the only my man Mr Duke Sila a mighty fine holiday evening to you all it might be cold outside but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz I of course am Duke silver and I would like to dedicate this first song to my [Music] Duchess you're so lucky I'm going to kill [Music] you look John it's red pine they were going to put Fleck lenium over this beautifully preserved naughty Red Pine most people in this world John are ass this is the best day I've ever spent in a government building and luckily my son was here to share it with me he now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of L labor or he pooped either way well done John don't think I won't do it I'll wear this to work I all right one more what's in here huh a new library card read the name Tammy Swanson [Laughter] Swanson well you about ready to go my love wait wait run stop Tom Cherry what the hell don't do it she doesn't love you what you don't know what you're talking about what are you doing here yes I do okay when I asked her to be my date she cackled for a full minute and said and I quote anything to make Ron miserable it's not real man she's just messing with you he's lying Ron stay out of this clan it's Tom and I'm not lying I'm not going to let you destroy Ron you're just going to have to ow he's attacking me Ron kill him yeah do your worst Glenn you're going to have to do better than that why are you hitting yourself GL stop hitting yourself Tammy that's enough hey baby you almost almost had me again but seeing you pick on this pathetic defenseless little man hey reminded me what kind of a monster you are you're a joke you're not even a man anymore oh and by the way last night I faked four out of the seven so did I let's go son hey there you are thanks for meeting me here well if you'd have held him here instead of that conference room I would have come to more meetings I got to tell you Leslie establishing this National Park right next to paon e is quite an accomplishment this is a fine piece of land you saved thank you Ron you want to run it the superintendent of Bryce Canyon retired and I convinced the superintendent of this park to transfer shuffled a few things around the point is some needs to take care of this place now thought it should be you I well first of all I would be working for the federal government your job would be to walk around the land alone you'd live in the same town you've always lived in you'd work outside you'd talk to Bears next argument well there must be dozens of people gunning for this job I wouldn't want you to ruffle any feathers am I even qualified well a few people might be annoyed but they'll get over it and as far as your qualifications you're Ron Swanson stop being a dummy and accept when do I start oh today I already accepted for you I still remember how to forge your signature let's go meet your staff Pony National Park Rangers this is Ron Swanson your new superintendent and boss Rangers my name is Ronald ulsi Swanson your job and mine is to walk this land and make sure no one harms it if you show up on time speak honestly and treat everyone with fairness we will get along just fine though hopefully not too fine as I'm not looking for any new friends end of speech well said Thank You Leslie you're welcome Ron okay time to go to work laugh with me buddy just with me buddy don't let her get the best of me buddy don't ever let me start feeling lonely la

Channel: Parks and Recreation

Views: 2,193,570

Keywords: Parks and Recreation, parks and rec funny moments, parks and recreation funny moments, parks and recreation bloopers, parks and recreation theme, parks and recreation kim kardashian, parks and recreation ron, parks and rec, ron swanson, april ludgate, leslie knope, who broke it, patton oswalt star wars filibuster, cones of dunshire

Id: QpjvslNTUZc

Length: 59min 34sec (3574 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 03 2023