- Good evening, my fellow Americans. Boom! We've hired Luther here
to be my anger translator. (hood thuds) - Get the fuck- - Who killed Osama bin Laden? - God bless America. - Yes we can, yes we can! - Ain't I a stinker. (upbeat music) All right, everybody focus up, look. This party tonight could be a model for the way that the world should work. And I just wanna say, I'm totally stoked to the
max about it, all right? You guys feeling good? - [Man] Yeah.
- [Man] Hell yeah, good. - Dennis, what are you shooting video? - [Dennis] Yeah man. - All right, well, be careful with that. I might run for office someday. (crowd laughing) Now, trust me, I think
that this party can be the most inspirational party
this campus has ever seen. Is that coming to me? Let me just grab that. (sizzling sound) Some righteous bud, some righteous bud we got going on there. We need some bodacious
jock babes coming in. - [Guy] Yeah.
- We need some hot ass punk rock babes. - [Man] Yeah.
- [Man] Woo. - I don't care where they come from. The most important thing, it's imperative that we have a diversity in the pussy department. Intercepted, don't sleep on Barry O. Don't ever sleep on Barry O. Ooh, that is some major doobage. (people chattering) (sizzling sound) - Hey. - Apartheid, that's totally gnarly. It's a gnarly institution. Where is he? Dennis, Dennis, come over here. Get this, get this. Okay, we gotta have a system in place to get everybody weed, all right? So just watch this. This is how you're gonna do it, all right. This, this is, I'm really (beeping) frosty
right now, by the way. This is your constitution, all right? It's just a piece of paper. We gotta keep its integrity, 'cause it's gonna hold
everything together. This right here, this is us. This is the American people. We're special, we're magic. Hello, yay, y'all live in here. All right, the most important thing is that we don't get too far apart. Me and you, we gotta be close. That's that's the magic
of America, is love. Otherwise, we're gonna
get air bubbles in there. It's gonna start canoeing and everything. We don't want that. All right, you get that? All right look, I'm way ahead
of you, but I'm already done. Boom fireworks, 4th of July. That's for you. We want like 10 of these. Oh my God, I'm so (beeping) blazed. (man laughing) I'm so (beeping) high. Oh (beeping) what was I saying? ♪ When I roll down the street ♪ ♪ Brothers all take a knee ♪ ♪ Honeys droppin' they
Gs wantin' pieces of me ♪ ♪ 'Cause I run this whole block ♪ ♪ With these rhymes and this glock ♪ ♪ Make this whole damn hood tick ♪ ♪ This my time, I'm the
talk, cock of the walk ♪ ♪ I'm the boss and the king ♪ ♪ (beeping) kissin' my ass
and bitches kissin' my rings ♪ What's up, yeah! Oh (beeping), you know it's true. Yeah! - I'm the leader of the free world. (microphone beeping) (friends laughing) - It's the president, how you- (friends laughing) - Thank you and may God bless America. (audience clapping) - All right, please, sir, a couple introductions and
we'll get you out of here. This is John O'Rourke. - Nice to meet you, John. - Mr. Ian Roberts.
- Nice to meet you. - Peter Atencio.
- All right, nice to meet you. - Jerome Smith.
- Come on, bro. What's up fam? You know this. - Heath Williamson.
- Nice to meet you, all right. - Mary Woodbury.
- Nice to meet you. - Jay Martel.
- Nice to meet you, sir. - Tasha Robinson.
- Come on, come on, come on. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Feel that? - Emily George.
- Nice to meet you. - Darryl Stokes.
- Come on, what's up fam? How you doin'?
- All right. - Never forget about that, 'cause that's all we got! Nice to meet you. All right. Ah, bring it in, bring it in! Started from the bottom, now we're here! - Yeah! - Nice to meet you, all right. Nice to meet you, all right. Nice to meet... - 1/8th Black. - Afternoon my octoroon! Come on, bring it in there. - All right.
- Tuck that. - I'm in there dawg.
- I'm in there dawg. - You tuckin' it in there?
- I'm in there. - Whatutuckdawg.
- Whatutuckdawg. - I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. - All right.
- All right. - Nice to meet you, man. Nice to meet you. Oh my goodness, look at this. Oh, she is so beautiful, mmm. I want another one. There you go, precious,
beautiful, beautiful. What's her name? - Oh, this is Livia Rougie. - Okay, nice to meet you
Miss Rougie, all right. Now come on. There he is, boom! - Mr. President.
- All right, man! Good to meet you! All right.
- Here we go. Right this way, sir. - Now first, let me just
say that I'm encouraged that so many of you from
the Republican Party have agreed to meet me in this way. Now, as you know, I've tried very hard to
reach across the aisle and govern this country from the middle. - Well, all due respect, Mr. President, we disagree with you. - We think you should
run the country from... not the middle. - Well, that's why we're here. If you would, I'd just
appreciate some feedback on some new ideas and
directions for this country. Feel free to agree or disagree. Whatever you want. - We're gonna disagree. - Yeah, disagree.
- Disagree. - Disagree. - First, I think the
government is too big. I think we need to shrink the size of the federal government so that all decisions can
be made at the state level. - We disagree, Mr. President. - You drive a hard bargain, you win. (GOP members chuckling) - There we go. - Big government it is. - All right, next up, this
has been a hot button issue, but I think we can settle it right here. no taxes for rich people. - We completely disagree! - Round two goes to you guys. (GOP members chuckling) - Okay.
- Uh-huh. - More taxes for the rich. - Ahem.
- What the (beeping)! - What is happening to us? - Man, I am taking a beating here, guys. all right, last issue, immigration. Now we need to secure our borders. And anybody who's here illegally should be hunted down and deported. (GOP members stammering) - We disagree! Aah! - We are country of immigrants! No! - We need a clear path to citizenship for all of those who are already here! Ah, help me! (GOP members stammering) - Great, I love your ideas. Lastly, we cannot regulate firearms. - Yes, we can! - [All] Yes, we can, yes, we can! Yes, we can, yes, we can! - All right, all right. If you guys say so. And nobody better throw me a cigarette. Ain't I a stinker? (upbeat music) All right, you're doing fine, sweetie. Now, Malia, let's just
go easy on the gas here. and come to a complete stop. - [Pedestrian] Hey! - Okay, so in the future, you wanna try not to
go through stop signs. (police siren blaring) Okay, just remain calm now and what you're gonna wanna do is pull up right here next to the curb. This is why we wanna stay in the lines and we wanna follow rules. Remember this. - License and registration? Holy! Mr. President? - Yep, yep, just teaching
Malia to drive here. - Well, you guys ran a
stop sign back there, but that's okay, you can go. - Oh no, no, no, no. Malia's gotta learn what it's like to drive in the real world here. This is called consequences, Malia. Now I want you to go ahead and treat us like you would
if I weren't the president. (hood thuds) Not exactly what I had in mind. - Come on, this is some... My man's been up there 10 minutes. - Okay, the number pressing now. No, just hold on a
second, Malia, all right? Just gotta. Sorry, everyone, it's taking so long. - Oh, my God, Obama, Obama! How you doing, sir? - It's me. Just showing my daughter
how to use the ATM, having a little trouble with the machine. - Oh, you having trouble with the machine? Oh, man, we'll chip in! We'll chip in right now, man,
then you can be on your way! - No, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to show Malia what life is like in the
real world here, all right? So just do me a favor,
treat me like you would anyone else in this situation. - Okay, yes, sir. Yes, sir, all right. Hurry up, man! Is your tie stuck in the
damn machine? (beeping) (people shouting) - Not exactly what I had in mind. - Go on then! Didn't even get your money. - [Malia] Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! - Come on, girl, hurry
up, man, you got seven- Oh, okay, no, take your
time, take your time. Take your time. (upbeat music) - Good evening, my fellow Americans. Now, before I begin, I just wanna say that I know a lot of people out there seem to think that I don't get angry. That's just not true. I get angry a lot. It's just the way I express passion is different from most. So, just so there's no more confusion, we've hired Luther here
to be my anger translator. Luther.
- Hi. - First off, concerning
the recent developments in the Middle Eastern region, I just want to reiterate
our unflinching support for all people and their
right to a democratic process. - Hey, all y'all dictators out there, keep messing around and see what happens. Just see what happens. Watch. - Also, to the governments
of Iran and North Korea, we once again urge you to discontinue your uranium
enrichment programs. - Hey, Machmud, Kim Jong, I think I already done told both y'all 86 you (beeping), bitches. Or I'm going to come over
there and do it for y'all! Please test me and see what happens. - On the domestic front, I just wanna say to my critics, I hear your voices and I'm
aware of your concerns. - So maybe if you could chill the hell out for like a second, then maybe I could focus on
some (beeping), you know? - That goes for everybody. Including members of the Tea Party. - Oh don't even get me started on these (beeping) right here. - I wanna assure you, that we will be looking for
new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead. - And you know these
(beeping) are gonna say no before I even suggest some (beeping). - Now, I know a lot of folks say that I haven't done a good job at communicating my
accomplishments to the public. - Because y'all (beeping) don't listen! - Since being in office, we've created three million new jobs. - Three million new jobs! - We ended the war in Iraq. - Ended the war, y'all. We ended a war. Remember that? - These achievements
should serve as a reminder that I am on your side. - I am not a Muslim. - And that my intentions as your president are coming from the right place. - They coming from Hawaii
which is where I'm from which is in the United
States of America, y'all. Okay? This is ridiculous. I have a birth certificate. I have a birth certificate. I have a hot diggity daggety mama-say mama-sa birth certificate,
you dumb ass crackers! - Okay, Luther, rope it in. - Dial it back, Luther, damn. - In conclusion, last night I had a
conversation with Michelle. - I says, "Bitch." - Nope, I did not say that. I did not say that. Good evening, my fellow Americans. Now, before we begin, I
would like to once again, introduce you to my
anger translator, Luther. - Hi. - Now, this November I want
each and every one of you to ask yourselves, what has
changed in the last four years. - Who killed Osama bin Laden? - What has my administration accomplished? - Did we accomplish killin'
America's biggest enemy? Uh, check did that, boom! - In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did in
all eight years of his office. - Except Osama bin Laden hunter, because that job don't exist anymore, 'cause I went over there and
I killed him in his face. - We helped make healthcare accessible to more
Americans than ever before. - I'm sorry, what'd you say? Uh, your World Trade Center hurts? Then why don't you take
two dead bin Laden's and call me in the morning, bizzitch. - This election make the decision that you think best serves
the future of this country. - Or you can eat a dumb dumb sandwich and just vote for the person who didn't kill Osama bin Laden, but why would you do it? Why would you do it? - I plan to run a clean campaign, one based on the issues and the accomplishments
of my administration. - But I'ma tell you right
now, if the Republicans, if they had caught Osama bin Laden there wouldn't even be an election man, they just put a crown on his
head and give him a castle and just call him the king of
America and that would be it. (man speaking gibberish) - All right, all right, all right, just, you know, bring it
down a notch there, Luther. - Okay, come on, Luther, you're straight up out
of control, brother! - Well, it's not that bad. - Okay, don't beat yourself up, it's okay. (Obama coughing) - Excuse me. - Can a (beeping) get a lozenge? - Now, Luther, you can't say that word. - Actually it says right here
I can say it whenever I want. - I guess I can say it too. Good night, my (beeping). (upbeat music) Good evening, my fellow Americans. Now first off, I would like to once again introduce my anger translator, Luther. - Hi. - Now, in the spirit of democracy I would like to take a moment to address my opponent, Mitt Romney. - Ooh, I've been waiting for this. Oh boy, I've been waiting for this. What's up, Mitt? - Governor Romney and
I have different ideas on how to best help the American people. - I saved the auto industry, you want to give tax
breaks to millionaires. I killed Osama bin Laden and you strapped a dog
to the top of your car. Now let's see who's
better for the country. - I look forward to a
fruitful and healthy debate on the Affordable Care Act. - And since you already
did it in Massachusetts, it's gonna be real interesting to watch your flip-flopping ass argue me on that (beeping) now. - But I also look forward to other ways to articulate our differences. - I'm like the (beeping) love child of the Old Spice Guy
and the Dos Equis dude. And you are literally the
boringest whitest man alive today. - I know that we will conduct
professional campaigns. That we will be respectful
to one another's personal lives, families, and religion. - Come on, I still gotta
explain to half the country that I'm not a Muslim, but it's still off limits to
talk about your Mormon ass? Wearin' magic underwear and
believin' Jesus came down and did some (beeping) in Pennsylvania? - All right, now, Luther, all right. - I mean, this is craziness. - Luther.
- Yes? - Pennsylvania is a swing state, let's take it down a notch. - Okay, come on, Luther, man, why you always gotta cross
the mind of good taste, man? - I believe the American people will see that I've made their lives
better in the past four years. - Americans would all be riding these if I hadn't saved the auto industry. (bike horn honking) - I'm also confident
that the American people will make the choice
that will best help them and best help our path to the future. - Y'all know I'm winnin' this (beeping)! Thank you and good night. Good evening my fellow Americans, with me as always is my
anger translator, Luther. - Hi.
- Now, after the last debate, I was criticized for not
showing enough emotion. - I shoulda been on that stage, oh my god! Mitt, if I was a Siberian
tiger your ass woulda been Roy. Straight up! - I was faulted for a lack
of pithy retorts or zingers, but we can do better than that. Witty responses are not going to resolve this nation's deficit. - How you gonna fire Sesame Street. One of those one (beeping) already lives in a trashcan, zing. - And a one-liner is not going to solve the problems we have with our tax code, which my opponents seems to have entirely changed his position on. - This (beeping) gets more
reboots then Spider-Man, and boom goes the dynamite. - I look forward to a
debate based on substance, not on zingers. - I got a Mormon singer. Take my wives, please. Oh (beeping), I said wives. - Thank you and good night. - This message is brought to you by the letter Suck my
and the number (beeping). - Oh!
- Oh! - Snap, America, snap indeed. Good evening fellow Americans. With me as always is my
anger translator, Luther. - Boom, Mitt, I sunk your
battleship, bitch, what's up. - To the American people, I just wanna say the debates are over, but now it's not a time to tally points or to keep the score. - Two one, Obama, game
set match, touchdown, home run, checkmate, can
we get back to work now? - Governor Romney in the recent debate, I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs. - Okay, Governor Romney,
I'm gonna tell you, Governor Romney, why are you smiling while you're getting ass your kicked? Are we debating or are you
trying to sell me a Lexus? - I directly questioned you about your opposition to
the auto industry bailout. - On behalf of all the people in Detroit they wanna stab you, I ask
again, why are you smiling? - I asked you about your stance on Syria, which you called Iran route to the sea. - Hey, dummy, look. Iran is on the sea. Syria's two goddamn countries this way. Bam, which, is a city in Iran. - I even reminded you
that horses and bayonets are not strategically
valid in modern warfare. - So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smile off your sweaty, sweaty
pasty ass sweaty face. I mean, Mitt do you need a towel? Because your face is straight up raining. - I spoke about brinksmanship with Iran and you just said you
wanted a peaceful planet. - I mean, hold that wavy gravy up in here. I'm sorry, Mitt, if you wanna
be the first Mormon hippie, you're going to need to
grow your hair out, dog. (beeping)! - There were many times where you even inexplicably agreed with me. - Stop agreeing with me! Are you trying to body
snatch me and become me for the last two weeks of the election I mean, what's, I'm sorry, time out, sir, I'm like legitimately concerned that he's like an insane
rich, crazy person who's- - Luther.
- Yeah? - Calm down, now. I assure you, governor
Romney is not insane. - Okay.
- Thank you. - In conclusion, I greatly appreciated our exchange on foreign policy. - But we all know the only
country that matters is O` - You sweaty, smiley, never
gonna be president looking mother (beeping). - What? - Hey, loosenin' up a
little bit over here. - And it's just about (beeping) time. - Good evening, my fellow Americans. Now, as you know, sometimes during the chaos
of a presidential campaign, it's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process. - This is it, armageddon! I mean, y'all got to vote
for me y'all, you have to! Or you'll get bent over by a bunch of bitch ass billionaires! (siren blaring) - This is my anger translator Luther who I thought had the day off. - What the (beeping) are
you doing here, Luther? (siren blaring) (glass breaking) - Anyway, I think that everybody, needs to take a moment to appreciate that our political system truly works. - Unless Romney wins and
then the (beeping) is broke. - And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's always a place
for civil discourse. - As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around so you can counteract
all the negative ads. Hey, Romney and Carl Rove and
all you evil mother (beeping) with your slimy ass super PACS, y'all done poked a hornet's
nest with a sugar stick! Y'all slap Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man. (Luther grunting) And you know what, after I win this, I'm taking all y'all down. - Thank you, and I'll see you
all on the campaign trail. - And when you give me
your babies to kiss, please clean their diapers, all right. 'Cause I ain't trying to kiss no poop. Just wash they ass. You know, just wash they ass. - It's true. You should wash they ass. Good evening, my fellow Americans. I just wanna thank you for your
continued faith in my abili- - We won! - That's my anger translator, Luther. - whoo! yeah! what's up? (Luther humming) - I wanna wish my opponent,
mitt Romney, well. He ran a good campaign. - Take that shit back you lyin' bitch, 'cause you lost! - Now we move forward
with pressing issues. - we gonna pass healthcare, again. now what, bitches? - While we had huge turnout from our faithful supporters... - Thank you, black folks! we made it to two elections in a row, man! Now how hard was that? - All your votes were
crucial in this victory. - White people who voted for me, y'all are all now honorary black people. - So, thank you for your support. - And (beeping) you, if you tried to (beeping) me! I mean, you know how much
money they tried to spend to get rid of this? Millions, son! I said millions! But you couldn't get rid of a (beeping). Oh, no. yeah, can't touch this. - Luther, Luther, what'd I tell you? No hammer dancing. - Come on, bi! We won, let's do it, dawg! - No, I'm... I told you, I don't
want you doing it wrong. You gotta get it right. If you're gonna do it, God bless America. - That's right, that's right. Say it though, say it! - I told you, homeboy, you can't touch this. Hello, my fellow Americans. With me, as always, is my
anger translator, Luther. - Hi! - Now, the first year of my second term, has been a challenge. - Cluster (beeping)! - Tonight, I'd like to
address the concerns of the American people, over what they perceive as
the U.S. Government spying on their digital and
electronic activities. - Man, y'all some deluded, self-important mother (Beeping) if you think we interested
in your deviant, porn-watchin' asses! - I can assure you, the American people, we are not reading every individual email, rather we're searching for key words, that would indicate a threat. - And don't worry, everybody, those key words are not, girl on girl, anal, squirting, plopping. - Hmm, plopping? - what the (beeping) is plopping you dirty mother (beeping)? - These key words, are being used, amongst other things, to prevent terrorists, from using weapons of mass destruction. - Not prevent you from watching videos of ass destruction! - Now, these policies have already foiled, numerous terrorist plots. - These are not the kind of plots, that y'all are used to, like when a guy comes in the door with his penis in a pizza box, and a lady sucks on it. - And I assure you, that
the country's gotten safer, since the end of the bush era. - And i ain't talkin'
about the president, boop. - These policies have allowed
us to probe and penetrate... - I know y'all been probin-
- No, Luther, just, what I'm trying to say is that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered- - And you got-
- Luther! - Okay, Luther, why are you tryna undermine the president with your juvenile sexual innuendo? - The average American, has nothing to fear from these policies. - Now! If we was drone-strikin' perverts, our country would look like
"Mad max" beyond thunderdome right about now. I'm talkin' about a
post-apocalyptic nightmare! - Thank you, and good night. - Go to sleep, y'all. - Plopping?
- Oh, yes, sir, that's when you... - Oh! Y'all are some sick mother (beeping). Good evening my fellow Americans. With me as always is my
anger translator Luther. - What it do. - As you know, from the past six years, I've received my fair share of criticism, from the Republican party. - I can't even give Malia, an allowance without them accusing me, of wealth redistribution. - It's all part of rough
and tumble politics. - I hate you. - In recent years, I've also received a
good amount of criticism, from my fellow Democrat. - Oh my god, these mother
(beeping) right here, how am I... (Luther mumbling) Not you though. (Luther grunting) I'm a bus all you (beeping) on the lip. - Now I know, the right
to express one's opinion, about the powers that be, is the very thing that
makes this country great. - Like I ain't got enough (beeping) to do. We got a James Bond
building right in Russia, I got a Congress full of teabaggers, the earth is burning up, and now I gotta deal with all these whiny ass bitches from my own party. - Some have cited my inability, to make good on my campaign promise to close Guantanamo bay. - Congress shut me down. I'm a President y'all. I'm a President, not a kid. They checked and balanced my ass. I mean goddamn. - And then there are those on the left, who have criticized my continued
usage of drones strikes. - You know what? Y'all can't have it both ways, man. What do you... You can't have the soldiers coming home, hugging the moms, and then also at the same time, have me killing, in the caves. Y'all should be embracing this technology, 'cause it's pretty amazing, man. It's awesome, all you do is
pick up the phone and say, "Excuse me, I'd like to order
two dead terrorists," bloop It's amazing, I mean,
we can murder people, with flying robots. - [Obama] Luther - It's like when your
star wars world dawg, and I'm Dark Vader up
in this bitch, I'm like, "I know you are..." (drone buzzing) Luther, what is wrong in your head? Why would you compare the President, to one of the Lords of the Sith. (drone buzzing) - Thank you, and good night. (drone buzzing) (wine pouring) (soft music) - Oh honey, I am tired. I'm going to bed, goodnight. - Uh, well. - Is everything okay? - Well, it's just that I was hoping that well that we could, and I wanna make this clear, I wanna be straight forward. I want to have a- - Okay, Luther, are you
available to translate? - Yes ma'am . - I really was hoping we could
spend some time together. - When is the last time we had sex woman? Re-election night? What does a brother not named Bill Clinton have to do to get some
(beeping) in this house. - Well, you have been very busy lately. - Uh, uh. You know what? If I could just... Can we get your translator? - Oh yes, certainly. Katendra (footsteps approaching) - Yeah honey? - Could you please translate, while you've been very busy lately, - Sure. My (beeping) ain't one of your limousines that you can jump in and out
of whenever you feel like, I don't see you all day, then you want a booty call? I need an emotional connection (beeping) - Thought this was romantic - I'm (beeping) trying
bitch! Can't you see? I'm playing the romantic music, I got the Pino in the glasses, what more do you want from me? An engraved invitation from my nuts? - Maybe, we should make a date. - What I'm I supposed to do? Jump out out my clothes
every time little bear stands at attention? You ain't my Commander-in-
Chief mother (beeping) And my vagina ain't some
cave in the Middle East, you can fly your heat seeking missile into whenever you feel like it. - I did mean to call you, but I had meetings all day long. - I'm dealing with these
mother (beeping) Republicans, hearing no, no, no, all day long, then I come home, and you not gon let me
get my jam on up in here? - Well, you know, I
have had a busy day too, - You act like I ain't got
nothing else to do (beeping) I got these obese mother
(beeping) on my ass, 24/7. What's more important? You getting your wig dipped, or some eight year old fat ass, collapsing his bunk bed? - Okay. - You seem to be
forgetting, job number one. You are my secretary (beeping) bitch! Get to work! - You
(Michelle chuckling) (soft music) (Luther and Ketendra grunting) - Luther, Ketendra. - Yes sir. - We'll take it from here. - Absolutely, yes sir
- Yes ma'am - Goodnight, goodnight ma'am (soft music) - Come on. (Michelle chuckling) - Oh, this feels good.
(Obama exhaling) - Uh, mum, dad. I know you already said that I can't go, but can I please go to the party tonight. - Malia, use your translator. - If you don't let me go to this party, I will get a tattoo, on my face. - Have fun (dramatic music)
(man mumbling) (dramatic music) - Hillary. - Mr. President. - It's always good to see you. - I pretended to like you for seven years. - You remember my anger
translator, Luther. - Good to see you too Mr. President. - My hatred for you, is a pure force of nature that is gonna move me
onward to my destiny. - And this is my anger,
translator, Savannah. - I trust you've been busy. - Bet your arms are tired
from stabbing me in the back on the campaign trail, saying
you don't let my phone policy. What the fuck woman, you wrote
the damn policy (beeping) - Well you know how it is
to campaign for President. - You know how this shit works. You do whatever you gotta
do to get your ass elected, and right now, you love a dead skunk, I gotta to step over. - Should be smooth
sailing to the nomination. - Even you couldn't (beeping)
it up against these assholes. - Well it's too early to say, of course. - I got this job locked down, unless something terrible happens, like you campaign for me. - Oh that's... - Oh I got a feeling that come 2016, you and Bill will be
back in the white house. - Yeah you gon be busy as
(beeping) doing all the work, 'cause I know you gon fire them interns. What?
(Luther make exploding sound) - Well, I appreciate having
you as an ally of course, - Eight years ago, I
had a lock on this job, until you showed up outta nowhere, and you stole it from me. When you knew damn well, it was my turn. You think I ate all that (beeping), stayed in there, smiling
next to my pussy hand husband so I could turn around and
become Secretary of State? Guess again mother (beeping) You got my job and I'm gonna get it back. And it's not gonna be easy
because you screwed the poach six ways to Sunday. Folks, just to say, vote for a scanned possum as a Democrat, but that's okay, because I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna win this (beeping) election, and I'm gonna bury you, and every goddamn man
who ever stood in my way - Savannah, take it down a bit. - What is wrong with you girl? You are embarrassing the future president of the United States of
America, have a little class. - It's always good to
speak with you, Hillary. - You a nasty ass bitch. - Nice to talk to you Barrack. - Fuck you dream stealer. (footsteps receding) - Damn, some people
people's just too angry. (dramatic music) - Good evening my fellow Americans. Every day, our citizens improve the lives of those around them. Today, we honored Troy Morrison. Now Troy was in a geometry class
when his teacher mentioned, the hypotenuse of a triangle. Troy said, "I wish I
was high on pot-enus." That really cracked me up, and it cracked up the rest of America too. So, today, I'm pleased to present Troy with the congressional
comedy medal of honor. Troy, on behalf of the entire country, I just want to, thank you for your
fantastic off the cuff line. You are a true comedy hero. Thank you, sir.
(cameras clicking) Thank you. And also Mr. President,
I have something for you. - What's that? (Obama laughing) Yes, these are sold out. I haven't been able to get
my hands on one of these. Thanks Troy. Oh my goodness, (Obama chuckling)
high on pot-enuse - Good evening my fellow Americans. You remember my anger translator Luther? - Well, hello. - Now, I've told Luther, that he can join me for this last address, but that his being on
his very best behavior, is crucial to healing the
divide in this country. - Keep it chilled Luther. Go against every natural
instinct in your body. - Since we last spoke, the country has voted for a new President. - Crap.
- Here we go. - Come on man, come on come on really? Talk about the Trump. How did this happen man? Get the fuck-
(Luther hitting a doll) Y'all gon vote the dude that's
gone make America hate again? Don't you understand? This is how the "Hunger Games" starts. - It's true we all have to accept that, gonna have someone else calling the shots. - Vladimir Putin y'all. We got a naked Russki, up horse back, gon be running the show. Spasibo, Russian mother (beeping) - It was a close election, but the people have spoken. - Yeah, they voted for Hilary Clinton, but then this outdated Electoral college mumbo jumbo voodoo bullshit... I can't even make sense of this, really? - It's more imperative than ever, that we move on as a country united. - United in the fact that we
can't stand fucking each other. - Even as the country adopts new policies, on trade, immigration. - New policy: the only good immigrant, is the smoking hot white one. - Who plagiarizes speeches.
- Ooh - I said bitch. - Now I have greatly enjoyed, my time as your President. - Except when you know, let me think about it, let me think, when republican won't let me do shit, and then that one dude,
said I was born here, and then y'all elected
him, so you know what? Didn't love that part so much. So pretty much the beginning,
middle, and the end sucked. - I have met with President-elect Trump, and have pledge my
support in his transition. - He doesn't even want the job y'all. I saw it in his eyes. The dude was shook. The only reason he run, is because his factory in
china made too many red hats. It's the only, reason. - I assure you, that if
succeeds, we all succeed. - Unless he succeeds with all the shit he
promised to succeed with, in that case, we are fucked. - And now, a time-cherished tradition, is that the outgoing- - Don't say outgoing,
la, la, la, la, la la (Luther speaking gibberish) - That's me, leaves
the incoming President, a little note in the
desk of the Oval office. Of course it's completely confidential, - Go fuck yourself.
- Until now. - Ooh. That's my bad. - So all of you out here, who were afraid that your
way of life was under attack, remember that progress, isn't always a straight line- - No 'cause sometimes it's
a line that goes like this, (Luther speaking gibberish) and then just goes straight
down for four fucking years. - Stay strong, and never stop standing up
for what you believe in. - Ah yes, I would like to book a four year stay for five at
the Icehotel in Sweden please. - Sorry five? - For Bo, I mean y'all are
gonna take Bo, make it six. - In summation, thanks America. It's been real, it's been good, but it ain't been real good. - Apparently, orange is the new black. Good luck with your
healthcare assholes, I'm out. - Peace. (upbeat music) - I got my eye on you pussy grabber, yeah. (upbeat music) (man humming) ♪ I want you ♪ ♪ But I don't need you. ♪
