Mock the Week: Hugh Dennis Scenes We'd Like To See Compilation

things a new pope shouldn't say in his first public speech YMCA look at the tits on that none the second epoch is books heading straight for the remainder at bin Beckham's thesaurus if politicians endorsed products kids will just love Plunkett on setting things - here in the White House so let me get this straight we're handing over the management of the Star Wars missile protection program to rail track no no no no no nope sir damn I love you too discarded titles for the next Harry Potter book Captain Corelli's Mandolin things you shouldn't say to the Queen on being given your honor I ate Colgate bad ways to start a party political broadcast hang on I'll be with you in a minute as well no the football is on the other channel I think our policy is a best expressed in song let me tell you what the voice is in my head they're telling me okay our next topic is things you'd never hear a French person say I'd like a bottle of Burgundy in a dairy Lee Duncan what the voices in Tony Blair's head are saying there Cherie that reminds me I must post a letter doesn't get a stiffy go on lie you got away with it last time things a wimbledon commentator would never say well there is Sharapova and I'm sure like me you long to have those long moist Russian legs wrapped around your face well there's a ball boy needs taming and as they come to the first it's very steps over safely now that one must be a man next topic please TV shows that never made it to air complicated financial fraud she wrote let's see if you can guess who it is in Lloyd Grossman's through the [ __ ] unlikely lines for the Queen to include in our annual message the queen is brought to you by power jam killer bad things to say on stage at live it let's not cancel debt let's consolidate it into one what the voices in Prince Charles's head I said inappropriate thing to say on winning Wimbledon three sets no smell that's Palmolive is fantastic in some way it compensates for my lost childhood my dysfunctional family and the fact I'm so stressed I haven't had a period for seven years the wrong thing to say on your first day in the army this room's great where the rest of you sleeping so does Teddy get his own bunk ah things for the England manager to be caught saying I want you to go out there and give it your best for the full 60 minutes Sweden sweep it advise things for a Lib Dem leadership candidate to say as the son of God oh what's the point from a political soap opera drunkards we've had Rent Boys what could be worse what have you done shagged a goat addicted to heroin are you trying to seduce me Lady Thatcher words you'd never hear from a newsreader boy you wanna buy some speakers Gary Glitter received his honor at the palace this morning bad things to say at Prime Minister's question time can I ask the Prime Minister are you paying too much for car insurance the very worst person to be present of the US President Jimmy and the bank sure what did what did unlikely things to hear at the Oscars thank you I wasn't even in that one desk to the West unlikely things for a Winter Olympics commentator to say of course bribery no longer exists in the Olympic movement welcome to the Winter Games here in Basingstoke my goodness the band must just be fed up with playing the British national anthem what you don't want to hear in an NHS hospital mrs a yeah i think they tried to give me a credit card I've come to take your blood sample commercials that never made it to air fed up with an untidy tool box by the Abu Hamza multi-tool my bank became a wine bar Savile nazar I like it accident at work look where you're going you dozy bastard what you don't want to hear a prime minister say unfortunately we have received no such undertaking and we are now at war with Wales members of the House the band was the next topic is in the week in which Tony Blair's plane was forced to land due to engine trouble on setting things to hear from the cockpit of a plane don't panic just think of it as landing more vertically than normal okay captain Thomas when I tapped the windscreen I want you to stop Valentine cards to receive dear heart are you paying too much for your time what not to say on receiving a Winter Olympics medal Switzerland put it with the rest of the Nazi stuff [Applause] thanks for the medal the band was improbable things for sama bin Laden to say in his tapes this is ridiculous it must be your turn to hide stop your recording over my wedding video so who could live in a cave like unlikely things for a TV announcer to say for those of you of a nervous disposition you may be disturbed to know that your television is off and I'm speaking to you from inside your own head well that's it don't forget that BBC 24 goes through the night as do i you may be interested to know I am completely naked and playing with myself if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in Balamory exam questions that were rejected if the world is heating up at two degrees per decade what is the point of anything two cars are speeding one is being driven by a black man which one will be stopped can you master this phrase do you want fries with that let's go in the open-topped car reject his first lines for the new Harry Potter book which he'll realize Ron said Harry with our magic powers we simply won't need rohypnol I am Lord Voldemort and I am an alcoholic I'm sorry Harry said Ron I I thought you felt the same way it was October and the beginning of Harry's fifth term had felt him young offenders institute unhelpful things to say in a crisis statistically speaking of course in the circumstances most of us will die in advised things to say in court your honor if you like I've got a number of a really good Brazilian cleaner will this take long meeting a boat from Colombia at 9:00 and let me say this sentencing you will give me an overwhelming wave of sexual pleasure sending dog things a sports commentator would never say there's the bow and the schoolgirls I've been spying on go back to their classroom with the three photons to go in this grand national let's leave the leaders and go and watch the fall is being shot forehand backhand don't you just love it when they grunt [Music] and for those of you who missed them here are next week's Italian football results commercials that never made it to air injured at work don't drive a jet car at 300 miles an hour for effective ethnic cleansing used Milosevic [Applause] we laundered this half of the money with the Mafia this off with a more violent Chinese triads lying that you'd never hear in a Bond film James what a wonderful present chlamydia Oh James is it meant to be this soft I hope you're not going to be one of those Russian agents whose name is just a cheap sexual pun miss suck me off TV shows that never made it to air and now on BBC 2 jackstraws what not to wear BBC one it's the senile dementia show where do you think you are bad thing to say when leading troops into battle cry God for Harry England Anson job this master the music Oh show what they've got there have you been injured at work general Churchill will be leading the troops in on this one isn't that right oh yes yes unlikely things to hear on Blue Peter have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a [ __ ] so in a moment Connie will be teaching you how to clone your parents credit cards things you wouldn't hear on a driving test okay when I'll give you the signal I want you to want the window down and call the cyclist a wanker at least we know the airbags work what the Queen didn't say in our Christmas message yom-yom are you paying too much for your car okay I'm in a cave with the Salman bin Laden unlikely lines to find in the Bible and God said let there be light sponsored by power J tell you ball 4:12 Jesus I can do two sixes eight thirty any grain for forty days and forty nights although Thames water still had a hosepipe ban bad things for a teacher to say you know the rules Thomas if you forget your PE kit I take the lesson in my pants I have been at this school for over 40 years I've buggered your father's and I will bugger you rejected lines from movies this t1000 cybernetic organism has encountered a problem and needs to close do you wish to send an error report well there's one thing I should tell you mr. Darcy I have chlamydia [Applause] Luke Skywalker I am your mother [Applause] unlikely excerpts from a nature documentary I'm having to whisper because this woman's husband is in the room next door while a TV chef would never say so that's the bird plucked and stuffed all that remains is to kill it well these Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks I'm invisible in this [ __ ] jacket [Music] so I've marinated it for half an hour seared it for 15 seconds and now I'm drizzling it on my buttocks bad things to say at the opening of the new Wembley Stadium is it just me or does it all feel a bit wobbly unlikely things to hear on comic relief of course we're also supporting projects in the UK for example this is my extension this village had one goat until I ate it the worst thing your new neighbor could say well looks like we got our here's a fresh one you're bigger than you look through the telescope do you like the music so what there what death yes that's right the wife breeds rock violets your children in a brass band and I'm a paedophile unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon well this crowd have really taken this young Serbian girl to their hearts they obviously don't know how far there's a war criminal no in a way this rain could be taken as God's judgment on how [ __ ] we are at tennis oh my goodness that's a double fault one for being a woman the other for being German what a newsreader would never say well time for your own regional news now I'm off for a dump see you in 10 the worst thing to hear over at a night system only you can hear me second floor but you can't get out lift doors are closing leaving you trapped in an airless windowless coffee unlikely lines from the final Harry Potter ball don't worry Hermione I can get rid of it chlamydia disappear oh no no there is no post today said Ron the Owls are on a one day strike get the snitch said Harry I'll tie them down and you can drill through his kneecaps I'm sorry Harry I'm having a baby and it's yours said Professor McGonagall unlikely lines to hear in an episode of Doctor Who this is not a waste of time you are a Time Lord have you ever given money to the Labour Party bad ways for Gordon Brown to address the nation the economy is in ruins I blame the previous Chancellor no don't make me do it mother unlike lines - here on a science programme the trade in human organs is shocking this kidney cost me nearly a tenner a cure for acute depression maybe just around the corner oh here it is a train questions are milord from the British citizenship test can you fly a plane can you land a plane do you like music of Shabbat what are you paying too much for your car insurance [Applause] the worst thing to hear on holiday let me feel your arm let me see your teeth take him you want a double or a single room Dober Ramon build the double yes I know you've got a restraining order out on me I don't think it applies abroad unlikely lines to hear in a TV show and now the Antiques Roadshow this program contains scenes of tedious dullness right from the start this week on location location location Mohammed is looking for a pied-à-terre within easy reach of an international airport well now over to Shawn for a blind stab at the weather weird things to see on a road sign fancy a Shack park-and-ride 200 yards and the red lights are flashing get down with the groove you are now leaving trowel services wish you hadn't eaten that for 26 miles Bracknell twinned with l unlike things you hear in the House of Lords that general rule is the motion and now I will clear it up this is Davina you are live in the house please don't swear bad things to hear on an airplane well if you look out of the portside window in just a minute or so you'll see me by sari due to unforeseen Islamic fundamentalism this plane is being diverted to Paradise the worst person to be married to [Music] I brought all my video to turn this on its forgiveness age of steam top things and athletics commentator would never say that man runs like a panther and if we could learn to use just two legs he'd be absolutely unbeatable Wayne won the UK lane to the USA Lane 3 closed for resurfacing can someone get the door please I'm commentating and in the end it took a photograph to separate them the one of him shagging a pole dancer in Nevada the worst thing to say when running for US president hi there I'm like George Bush only less intelligent I would like you to call me sure whatever what this unlikely small ads want to earn pounds pounds pounds yes three pounds worried about hair loss you bald bastard problems with your short-term memory can't remember what you've just read problems with your short-term excerpt some DVDs I wouldn't sell my name is Hannibal Lecter I'm a vegan from the makers of snakes on a plane mice on a tube what a news reporter would never say here children as young as eight are forced to earn their own living more polished more polished I want to see my face reports of a mystery man loitering in the area turned out to be me well finally the power in Beirut seems to be back on the radiator I'm chained to is getting quite warm unlikely that is to be read out on points of view why oh why oh why is the structure of my chromosomes last night I turned onto your new porn channel see boobies [Music] unlikely things for a royal correspondent to say the Queen asked me if I was from the BBC I said I was and she told me to piss off well the crowd are absolutely loving this event the night sky is Dancing with light yes the Queen set fire to Windsor Castle again and as Prince Phillip cuts the tape to open this mental institution the doctors have got him what a rugby commentator would never say oh and he skipped through the defense and that's lucky because if the South Sea Islanders catch you they tackle I wish mine was like that oh and it's bad news the New Zealand rugby doesn't matter [Music] where Everly is in many ways the perfect fly-half legs of a human torso of a blue bottle so it's England versus Samoa a team of rank amateurs against Samoa bad things were a by-election candidate to say I am the perfect candidate this is an election and I and by unnerving things to hear during a medical examination yes I'll be operating oh there you are yes well it's definitely stuck up there we may we may have to use the ferret you'll live for about a week and how does it feel if I touch you here and here and no no no you can't have your old hip back mrs. Smith I fed it to my dog well there's good news you've had a baby the bad news it's blown your [ __ ] off tings you're unlikely to hear on a quiz show here is your starter for 10 spring rolls sesame toast and chili balls reform welcome to inflation-adjusted who wants to be a Zimbabwe millionaire things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party don't worry we don't say grace we just sacrifice a child to the Great God in hotep this is absolutely lovely I say we all raise a glass to Sofia lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie I may not seem as dangerous as other supervillains but soon I a doctor sheep will rule the world bang unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive I have recently discovered the pleasures of butter insects I smear it on the doorknob to stop the kids coming in I have been saving up for a sex change I don't care what my wife says she is going to have it my husband and I are a teacher and he has recently lost interest in sex thank God commercials have never made it to air masturbation are you getting your fiber day this isn't just a [ __ ] mask this is an S&M [ __ ] as I'm John McCain why not buy my fitness video we've lost your bags we lost your bags [Music] 31 million names on three great disks Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs now that's what I call a monumental cock-up Volume one bad things you hear on opening the door in the middle of the night oh I'm Garo Breen I'd like to talk to you about macht a week I'll come to fix your washing machine yours were called out between 12 and 5 bad things to say at a job interview the five-year employment gap yeah I was canoeing I I have always wanted to work in a motel I'm telling the mother I'm telling me Haney's you wouldn't hear on songs of praise well the locals here on the Shetland Isles have given us a tremendous welcome today we have our act of worship and tomorrow they're burning me in a wicker man well the goat is strapped to the altar so let's begin well now Choir of the week they're not the Von Trapp family but they were the Trapp family it's the fritz also things you wouldn't hear at the Olympics and there is the Chinese coxless four it's a harsh punishment but that's what happens you get those and there goes the Bell someone has stolen the Bell he meddled in Sydney he meddled in Athens and he's gonna meddle here unless someone catches him well we should have done better in the shooting and this young team from South Manchester know it lines you wouldn't hear in a war film why are we speaking English I'm saving private ryan' money on his car insurance don't worry tell me on I'll make sure if you gets it its chlamydia isn't it questions that were rejected from this year's exams complete the following sequence sixteen thirty five twenty four eight nine now open a safe grab his stuff and getting a getaway car amy is 16 at least she said she was are you in lines you wouldn't hear in the costume drama Henry Tudor but why did he chew her let me read the signal from the victory are you paying too much for your car my leash your desire to marry again will split the church does it have to be a gay Nigerian unlikely greetings cards roses are red violets are blue I'm locked up in Broadmoor and thinking of you you're moving we've repossessed your house things you didn't hear at the Olympics well that'll be low marks of synchronicity but high marks for execution clean shots of a head backwards off the board pool full of blood magnificent oh let's look at the clock it's more interesting than the show jumping well what a morning we've got medals in the jingling jingling diddle-eye and po and the French have four faults their language their food and the fact that they are French lines you wouldn't hear in a sci-fi film I am c-3po this is my cousin wd-40 yeah that's that's right we a Lian's have learned your language by listening to your radio broadcasts stardate 21 seventy one point six Captain's Log still won't flush I'll try again later I need to break into the Death Star's computer system who knows Darth Maul's mother's maiden name things you wouldn't hear on the radio and now it's the panel show where our panel try to stave off premature ejaculation yes it's just a minute unlikely small ads please get in touch our eyes met yesterday you were the blonde undressing in the bedroom I was the man lurking in your garden house prices falling debts rising feel like you can't quite cope pull yourself together unlikely things to hear on question time David Dimbleby you haven't answered a question all night you are the weakest link goodbye so good question Gordon Brown why don't you shove your tax increases up your ass I have a question for Boris Johnson do you know where you are things II wouldn't hear in a travel documentary the squawk of parrots parakeets and tucán has kept me awake all bloody night so I said Jimmy coming the Gobi Desert looking for water unfortunately I have found this Waddy Waddy unlikely lines from a TV detective show so all the suspects are linked Thomas knows Mallinson Madison knows the victim and they all live in the flat well what do I know I'm only the window cleaner sure so they [ __ ] gone down in the high-rise that's what you get with crack and blow but I ain't go to answer no more of your questions Miss Marple well he's got the profile of a killer see things you wouldn't hear from a weather forecaster the Met Office have issued a weather warning they've told the weather not to do that again or they'll be trouble so here's the summary Mundy shot Tuesday night Wednesday night Thursday bollocks well let's go to Carol on the roof of television center she's not meant to be there she's just a bit depressed so it's gonna be between 17 and 21 but Berlusconi won't date older than that deleted lines from Star Trek Kirk to enterprise okay how about if I stand over here I have no emotion my mother was a Vulcan my father was Gordon Brown welcome to the HS enterprise mr. Eccleston unlikely things to hear on a survival show to get the fish break the ice jump the check out and run you know Ant & Dec think that their jungle is pretty tough will they join me today there was no food so I ate them [Applause] I've been living in these woods for three weeks now that's what happens if you're married to the Home Secretary and she catches you watching porn unlikely things to read on a packet to open push down tab break tab swear repeatedly stabbed with - stop diarrhea take one teaspoon and shove it up your ass deleted lines from a fantasy film I don't know why you're so upset Harry the original Dumbledore died three films ago and no one gave a [ __ ] I am Aslan formed by the merger of Asda and Madeline did you honestly think I could be defeated by someone younger Philip things you don't want to hear from your flatmate I love talking to you with you I can beam over yourself Oh a mr. G had called and says it's time I'll tell you what that Hoover is powerful unlikely things to hear on a consumer programme consumer scams are on the increase if you'd like to find out how to stop them send us your name and address your date of birth and your mother's maiden name at first the company seemed willing to compromise then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to [ __ ] off today as I stand before you panelists in the last clothes I own we ask is divorce biased in favor of the greedy [ __ ] who left make things a sports commentator would never say well they've called in the video referee which is better alien or predator oh he's great with a dead ball when I had one had to sit down for a week well he's finally got his head down his hands are firmly round the shaft which is why I'm handing over to Jordan for Dales unlikely lines from a thriller can we the Pentagon then the triangle and then the square I want you to go to Warsaw meet a man called borislav you'll then ask him why he didn't fix my plumbing before he left her home red or green red or green which do I cut come on they're only peppers how long is his salad going to take bad things to say at a wedding don't worry the vows are simple just repeat after me eeny meeny makka record a ride DOM and I can check up off a lollipop Iran pomp order I'd like to thank LC for the flowers it was her funeral I nicked them from my bride always wears white isn't that right dolly man people have said to me why have you stopped being a bachelor after so long and I say well look at it she's wealthy and she's dying bad things to hear at the psychiatrist's you'll think you are the potato on the couch please yes I think your parents caused your problems from a very early age little Rena unlikely things to hear on a TV talent show when you when you said you were gonna saw a woman in half I thought you were a magician I escapologist today I have escaped from Broadmoor things you would want to hear at work he's the CEO he's the CEO and I'm head of the agricultural division the CIA i oh don't worry this isn't the first operation I've done last time I got almost the whole way round before the buzzer went off what this air traffic control things not as easy as it looks unlikely things to hear on a property program today we help al-megrahi swap his one-bedroom soul for a Libyan place in the sun michael has always wanted to live in the country and now he does his business is collapsed he's living in a caravan in the field in Herefordshire well we've visited five properties so far but they've all had alarms so no joy they're rejected questions from this year's exams translate the following into German two world wars and One World Cup do da do da if a train is going at 70 miles per hour how surprised would you be draw a diagram of the male genitalia please use the tracing paper provided unlikely things to hear on a TV business show well the foot see has had its best day since March he went shopping had lunch with friends and took in a show before sagging a complete stranger it met in a bar this morning I'm asking for half a million pounds and with that I will buy half a million lottery tickets the last task was easy and let you cocked it up I only asked you to blow the bloody doors [Music] bad things to hear from a tour guide don't worry this castle does cater for the disabled they bring you a sandwich while the rest of us go up the steps to look at well this is the deepest darkest bit of the caves and this would give me 20 pounds each it's where you're staying unlike your things to hear on a breakfast show and now it's time for thought for the day hmm there's a good one so so if you're trying to get in fired Junction to stop it is against nature and the Bible says no you may think of it as a breakfast show I had mine at 4:00 bloody 13 lines you wouldn't hear in a horror movie I am Lucifer lord of the night and tonight I'll be singing complicated by Avril Lavigne now I'm sorry Freddy I think you're set nerves on the blink this is own prison is over the last and wins the National unlikely things are here on a children's TV program we have John Craven if you want to see him again press the red button no no no it's not bag puss but it is a dead cat I've turned into a bag things you wouldn't hear at a party conference unlike other party leaders I could mention I am NOT a slave to the autocue smiled pause applause the delegates were so impressed by Ming Campbell's speech that they gave him a ten minute standing cremation so for Scottish independence and cheaper parking vote s NCP we're going to open this BNP conference with a prayer so if you'd all like to turn towards Mecca [Applause] unlikely to hear on the history documentary and it was here and this exact spot that faced with 30,000 baying Frenchmen that Henry v shat himself Napoleon was imprisoned instant Elena which was extremely uncomfortable for her and he never took his boots off unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch do you recognize this man thought not it's nick clegg today we're looking at identity theft I'm tonight the Great Train Robbery London to Glasgow 235 pounds return hello I'm Nick Ross and tonight I'm asking who stole my [ __ ] job unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate I think of this studio as a second home which is why I'm claiming expenses for it and at the end of that round Gordon you've scored no point how will we shorten waiting lists simple by letting the week die oh the queen is a biscuit I am almost certain that was a floating voter unlikely things are here at an award ceremony our next award is for most inaccurate weather forecasts of the year let's look at the 9,000 nominees now Teacher of the Year quite and down it's your own time you're wasting welcome to the accident at work Awards things you would want to hear on the cruise we've had reports of an iceberg but don't worry no ship has ever been sunk by a lettuce no no we're very rarely getting the injuries from people playing quotes you were just unlucky to be sunbathing naked with an erection those of you gathering on the car deck I said we would soon be docking not dogging unlikely things to hear in a fitness video now I'd like all you ladies to turn around face away from me bend over and touch your toes hi I'm Michael Owen welcome to my Fit oh no it's gone again hi today I'm on a Swiss ball uncomfortable particularly for the Swiss man it belongs to everybody wants a six-pack odds ooh enough already out of five unlikely lines to hear in a Hollywood blockbuster mr. Vader we have the Child Support Agency what do you think of my father's for just this costume Robin so this mission is impossible let's not bother unlikely things to read in a Valentine's Day card I love your eyes I love your nose I love your smell why must you be a Labrador you make my pants hot yours Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab just three words I want to say dream on [ __ ] science program for Einstein it was easy to choose a DJ name he would be MC squared thanks to carbon dating this skeleton is now going out with a short-sighted geology student who likes thin people that don't talk much unlikely things to get through your letterbox do you know what's in your attic it's me I've been there since Christmas computer problems let me come round and swear at it need a room clearing call me I'll come round and fart in it would you recognise a fake ID no great I'll be back in ten minutes I'll get through one day okay the next topic is things you wouldn't hear at the Winter Olympics this is the big hill oh that's long that's very long he's gonna wish he'd done his flies up oh well that's what ice hockey is all about a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall commercials that never aired this ad may be thoroughly misleading the product may not work it may burn your face off [Applause] incest just do it have you got long dry hair could we stuff it down an oil well do you want your erectile dysfunction dealt with confidentially and sympathetically call floppy Willy calm things you don't want to hear in hospital come on push push we've got no staff and the bed needs moving oh I'll tell you something funny about dr. Thomas in his handwriting the words tonsils and genitals look exactly this [Applause] how many fingers that's right to [ __ ] off unlikely lines to read in the Bible and Samson said Lord why have you given me all my strength in my hair and the Lord replied because you're worth it in the courtyard Jesus came across a man who couldn't walk brother he said have you been involved in an accident Adam and Eve had two sons who could not work together their names were Lampard and Gerard things you won't hear sat-nav say in three hundred miles you will realize this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake turn right wrong I didn't say sat-nav says where the [ __ ] are we unlikely things to hear at the World Cup Piske scores it's very hard to tell with his legs at that angle but no that is definitely a Brazilian England of course are being sponsored by Tesco online which is why John Terry has just been substituted by three ripe avocados England are playing fantastically this is a splendid DVD of 1966 unlikely levels to television channels as it terrorists been watching countdown with interest nothing happens I'm writing to thank you on Sunday afternoon while I was watching television with my wife I was urged to press the red button I did and my wife had her first orgasm in 40 years dear fiver if I give you a tenner will you please stop broadcasting bad things to say in the first days yes I know it's only dinner but unless you sign this prenup you're not getting any you've got good hips let me see your teeth we'll take her my dating history yeah divorced beheaded died unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie I want you to upload the schematic to my PDA but I needed to send the picture to my mobile okay listen to me I want you to take the kids I want you to go to your mother's you'll be safe there I'm gonna stay here and shag the nanny the Martins landed around 4 a.m. in Bracknell went and left again this is a virus like we have never encountered 50% of the population will be debilitated completely the other half will be able to carry on as normal gentlemen this is man flu rejected questions from this year's exams to keep them cool the testes of the male Homo sapiens are on the outside should he put them back in his trousers if Mary has one Apple Thomas has an apple and an orange and Tarquin has two apples and orange and ugly fruit and two kumquats whose parents read The Guardian Nelson lost an arm and an eye why didn't he call claims diary things you won't hear in a gardening program if your internet gardening here is a tip be careful what you do with the shoes well that's it for this week I'm off home to plant my seeds my wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss much lot well I've been having terrible trouble with a mole he keeps on passing confidential information to other gardeners and if you leave it for about four or five years it should be just the right height to piss behind unlikely things to read in a political memoir big band struck twelve and stopped thank God my buttocks were on fire at the start there were three women in the cabinet five in the cellar and two under the patio take that your bastard he said no one [ __ ] with mahatma ghandi things you wouldn't hear in a medical documentary next he was put in a cat scanner unfortunately the cat was still in it eventually doctors had to break his leg in six places it was the only way to stop him running around the ward the little tosser after months of tests doctors finally discovered what had caused his blindness he'd been masturbating too much the Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable and known by friends as the skipping-rope [Applause] unlikely lines to hear in the kids fell where's Nemo look inside the batter so he asked all five of you if you would like to look round his Chocolate Factory you gonna swing it's nice to meet you I'm king of the doggers things you wouldn't hear in the Kaku show so finally just pour on the milk and there you have it cereal so just boil for 15 minutes and if there's still life in her she's a witch believe me these fried insect legs really are the bee's knees unlikely things to hear on a news program this is BBC Three's news in 15 seconds floods recession lib dems Wayne Rooney our tape of Big Ben is broken bong hi there no there's no one there well we hope to talk to Michael Jackson later protesters set fire to cars and block the carriageway for several hours in protest over something or other bloody French on a train this is the Virgen train service to Edinburgh if you're not a virgin would you please get off at Hamill Henson due to starve sausages I am unable to finish this a noun we apologize for the delay of this service this was caused by points folio rat make something up would the driver please contact the guard we have no idea where you are unlikely things to hear and a quiz show well welcome to jr. mastermind our annual competition to find the best nerdy specky nah be no mates you have one lifeline left that's calling your country's government to see whether they will accept our demands so this question for 100 pounds what is your pin number lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie if I press this button you'll witness the worst thing you could possibly imagine channel 5 Batman its Catwoman she says she's been thrown in a wheelie bin now listen to me born if you are not back in 10 minutes your dinner goes in the bin and yes there is an ultimatum which box do I put it in Terminator 5 recycling day lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show I'm not doing it this is a midwinter murder it's freezing it's not in the contract so that's it at the end of a three month investigation that is it he's Colonel Mustard in the living room with the lead part he fits the profile this is gonna be a really boring episode of hole in the wall unlikely things to hear from a sports commentator so just 80 meters to go and the building of this running track will be finished well we'll have to see what the referee gets out I don't think any of us were expecting well I have to say I do agree with the crowd the referee is a wanker so with one overs ago this next delivery could change everything and it has it's a no ball I've won four hundred thousand pounds things you wouldn't hear at a school assembly the largest to say that during the summer holidays mr. Wang married Miss kur his nickname will remain the same sorry sorry I'm late I just had a bit of a run-in with an interactive whiteboard it told me to [ __ ] off unlikely things to hear on a TV talent show tonight I'm going to be claiming a sip bladder I thought you hit the high notes really really well the interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clam when you said you were gonna ride a donkey as well as that I can unzip the top we had this where I keep my pyjamas unlikely things to hear on a history documentary the Russians had limp the Americans had lightness this was the Cold War Horatio Nelson one arm one eye a tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card and now the documentary that every Channel five Commissioner has dreamt of did Hitler sink the Titanic unlikely things to hear over at an eye we apologize to customers who have recently alighted at Northampton I opened the wrong doors what the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting point Madonna is trying to buy him with the man on pump number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man unlikely lines from a superhero film I am big society man I could do it for you but I'd much rather you did it yourself I am parking review man where's my check what uses a spider's web against me just a man and Hoover boy unlikely things for continuity announcer to say and now to upset children everywhere it's Peppa Pig in pepper sauce and now is the time I have to be extremely careful because the next program is about Roald Dahl genius behind Willy Wonka's chocolate first though there's a serial killer on the loose in Balamory right now Kate humbles in the lambing shed unlikely agony aunt letters dear Deirdre I have recently become obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her look out of the window I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again she's a hundred and sixty-seven I have 96 but I'm convinced that young women fancy me do I have penile dementia unlike the things to here at Wimbledon well at two sets down let's see what he's got in his locker he's not going to be there for about 20 minutes I've got a crowbar well they say that the All England Club is a bit behind the times and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry well how did the umpire get up there I think you must have used the sepp blatter unlikely questions from dis year's exams discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem my friend Billy has a 10-foot Willy Napoleon a small man or a long way away draw a diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant use all 30 sheets of paper what is your pin number unlikely things to read on a motorway sign when lights flash doggin is about to start turn on lights in tunnel there on the right just above the entrance [Music] unlike your lines from children's books yes it is said I used to be on top gear said said stick of the dump no I don't think you should shave Bilbo said Frodo those feet need waxing I want to go to Tottenham said max that's where the wild things are [Music] the railway children just stick elated wildly at the driver you've left us behind you wanker unlikely things for a sports commentator to say well he stroked that through the covers surely it would have been easier just to pull back the duvet well welcome back after the break he missed much just the entire Indian innings well what a result the UK somalian has beat America's Kenyan to show that the Africans are gonna have it all their own way [Music] unlikely lines from a horror film you see no traffic it's a Nightmare on Elm Street what you want what do you want no I'm not paying too much for my car enjoy I don't listen to you oh just a puppy if you don't shut up I gotta put you back in your box mr. Cleg commercials that never made it to air with abs sat-nav and airbags this may be the most advanced condom you ever bought [Music] [Applause] darah Road Breen we work so he doesn't have to [Applause] got that bloated feeling i unclad that is dead in a week [Music] why have we got barbecues at low low prices because the summer's been [ __ ] no one's bought them unlikely things to hear in a police station I know it's unlikely but don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi hello no we didn't manage to evict many of themselves but the good news is I got some lucky Heather yes yes I know how identity parade works I am charging you with the murder of mrs. Thompson that'll be seven pounds 19 please here in the science documentary well this is incredible this is a whole new species of miniature tiger and a hang on it's okay this is a Red Dwarf his name is Anthony Worrell Topsham but will they find a cure in time the last hope for mankind lies with scientists here at the laboratory a bad thing to say in a job interview why do I we I wait I wait want this job don't tell him I have to well yes I would I would make the perfect strain driver I'm always late and I'd break [Applause] yes well I'm in spite of my lack of medical experience I I still think of gynecology as a calling unlikely things here on a consumer program but when he asked the cold callers for their identification they shot mr. bin Laden with an ak-47 the crews had a 1940's theme and Tom and Vera were delighted until they were sunk by u-boats in the but something was wrong with the car the clock said 63,000 miles while the milometer said quarter past three identity theft is on the increase I'm Dora rogue brain so he doesn't have to unlikely instructions to light gas first place match near buttocks instructions for sandwich toaster week one eats nothing but toasted sandwiches week to put in cupboard and never use a to reboot pick up boots and put them on again unlikely things to hear in a restaurant no I'm sorry we don't have snail porridge no this isn't owned by Heston Blumenthal this is Heston services table for trophies but no food I'm a wood worm yes it is all-you-can-eat night and that's why you can't come in mr. pickles unlikely things to read in the Bible but when they got there the tomb was empty right said scoop and David smoked Goliath they meant to smack him but he was using predictive text there were only 5 loaves and 2 fishes never go too little on a Saturday night to hear in a makeover show this week's look good naked starring Edwina Currie is the last in the series and was recorded shortly before gakuen suicide David and Jane wanted more space so we've repossessed their house and they're living in the park you're obviously very sensitive about your weight and you shouldn't be do you mind if I call you lard ass talking of decking he wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face unlikely things to hear at an award ceremony welcome to the National insincerity Awards and can I say what a pleasure it is would you please welcome your host for the night deck well they said it was ill-advised but welcome to the first witness protection scheme award well now our final category categories see there are three sex offenders nominated tonight [Music] unlike Alliance or thriller what more evidence do you need that there is a mole look at the lawn [Music] I'm telling you there will be no attack this is a side picked by Roy Hodgson we meet at last why didn't we have a Skype [Music] unlikely things to hear at Euro 2012 well this French team has three strikers luckily the other eight have agreed to play Oh as a bad one you can see the bone sticking right out these Ukrainian meat pies really are awful no mate this is row six Euro 2012 well the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout no penalties just a shooter [Music] things you wouldn't hear on a political discussion show no no no no no sir no no you've heard you say now shut the [ __ ] up yes I agree Britain's performance in the second quarter has not been all we hope for but there is a reason for that this is a tough job and I am [ __ ] at it right now let's go over the whales and see what they're saying to us [Music] unlike things to read on a health insurance form do you ever temporary blackouts do you smoke can I have one do you suffer from dizziness double vision or seizures then why did you take a penalty for England unlikely lines from a war movie I'm going to go and rescue a horse that's trapped in the wire you'll put the potatoes up who sent up River in Vietnam tasked with killing a renegade Colonel that was one hell of a gap year I can't stand sound of the guns what did I move to top them we make an infamous landing here we scale the cliff avoid the sweeper bounce on the big balls and I'll meet you in the wipeout zone unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon it's ours again bigger shorts that's what he needs so that's rain delay slightly longer than we were hoping it's now mid August so 1540 the last time someone British one here well he's very lucky to get to love 40 I've only loved five and I had to pay three kings you wouldn't hear on a consumer program but the patio had been badly laid and three weeks later the body popped up again he paid for the house to be pebble nest but the technique wasn't quite what he was expected we tested this dishwasher against this dish water and the Filipino was better Kings you won't hear at the Olympics so daily going for three and a half somersaults with Pike and you have to say the pike doesn't look too happy about this gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty his name is Chuck Killick cut-up flippy-flippy family eating popcorn Lane two two guys on a stag night Lane three I'm in the wrong place this is bowling well here at Weymouth our gold medal prospect is out in the last race he touched a boy and he's been arrested by social read in a children's book what's a Gruffalo said The Gruffalo it's a buffalo on 40 a day [Applause] but despite his protests mr. tickle was put on the register have you heard about Badger said reti he's been guest to stop the spread of bovine TV rejected questions from dis year's exams according to Germany how much is Greece worth 1 mark heat the crystals until they produce a vapor inhale the exact seems easier now doesn't it in recent Olympics Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia that's not a question just a statement things you didn't hear at the Olympics well there's Prince Harry in the crowd I would recognize those buttocks anywhere Clare Balding there but very slowly has you still don't know then Colin Jackson well let's look at the 400 meter hurdles those are very big well it's the treble it's the free he wanted Usain Bolt's has really enjoyed his night with the Swedish women's handball unlikely complaints to TV channels do you live in TV stop breathing on me you're freaking me out recently I saw something on the Antiques Roadshow I would like to purchase how much is Fiona Bruce a bag station sorry for the scroll I'm having to write this with my left hand you're embarrassing bodies I think there may be something wrong with my penis I've enclosed it an envelope things you wouldn't hear in a survival show last I have found some nuts and some berries I hate it when they rearrange the Asda everyone in this gorillas family has a role unfortunately I'm his love [ __ ] yesterday I punctured my inflatable which is terrible there isn't a sex shop four-mile unlikely things to hear on a property show six months in and mike has fallen out with a builder there was no window there and neither of them noticed well it's another setback this time the structure is damaged and for the first time I'm asking myself so you bought it at auction for a hundred thousand pounds but what exactly are you going to do with Middlesbrough on [Music] lighting's - here in a maternity ward there are complications I'm afraid for a start I'm not a doctor so would you like to hold the little fella or shall I give you the baby basically you just turn them over and slap them on the ass these nurses parties are great I know I know you're in great pain but we need to know your name right doctor for mrs. [ __ ] off unlikely things to hear in a news program a tornado has struck the east coast of America carrying everything with it let's go over to our Washington correspondent in Hawaii right now let's go over to the news in the shitty place you live this is the world's most literal reporter saying back to the studio I'm in The Hague which must be very uncomfortable for him unlike things to read on a medical label use only if you're in mobile or find it difficult to move tested on Dara O'Brien [Music] dai tetramethyl chlorobenzene for the anomia left luhan's of the trike or decay auto exactly what it says on the tail embarrased using anus all why not try this ass crack soon [Music] contains plac'd box and made it up a limb [Music] pregnancy test pick up your daughter's boyfriend and shout what you know unlikely things for a sports commentator to say so just two laps to go and then these dancers from Stringfellow's will be heading home for the night well with 200 meters to go he's on the shoulder of the Ethiopian I don't know if it's legal for him to be there slow him down a bit well let's go to Epsom for the 2:30 there are 16 runners everyone else is riding a horse bad things to say at a job interview yeah I'll serve for 10 years in Afghanistan I was in the Taliban [Music] well I am a fully qualified geography teacher and the schools next door is it [Music] yes I I think I would be the perfect candidate today today to make the platform announcer mountain man's mouth [Music] lines you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie agents aren't what they used to be double-oh-seven meet one one eight one one eight so those are guided by is it will lovely in the hand incredible or a repeat the speed tell me Mr Bond where'd you get a penis like this [Music] I think you may need an eye test bond that's sex mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy is Julian Assange unlighted used to here at a party conference how much do the left am I said the right I'll be honest it depends which trousers I'm wearing it [Music] welcome to the you cube conference the first conference to be held here in Islamabad they have never been enough women in this party and that is why from this afternoon you can call me Stephanie unlikely lines from a cosmetics commercial for a rich all-over tan get into a bath David Dickinson's just got out of clinic because Clinic reminds me of chlamydia and stuff new anti-wrinkle cream for men my scrotum has never felt so [Applause] three steps to a better skin no crystal tips no burgers unlikely things to hear on Doctor Who there isn't going to be a new doctor I'm being replaced by a helpline tucked our show must help me I think I'm a pair of cap news you've got to believe me Clara this is our best chance now unzip my flies and I'll explain later unlikely things to hear on radio this is jazz fm you're listening by mistake this is magic fm pick a frequency any frequency that was God is dead by Black Sabbath you're listening to Vatican Radio don't touch that dial I'm defrosting a pie things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary my favorite element is helium I can't speak highly enough of it the light from this new distant planet takes so long to get here that we're actually seeing things that happened years ago and that's why scientists have named it Dave if we look through the telescope we can see the biggest black hole ever found Oh No lens cap on things you wouldn't hear on a fitness DVD okay let's get your switching in your own living room I know you're an illegal immigrant I'm male mcpherson and welcome to wanker size if you find weights really boring do I do don't wait likely things for a vet to say I know it's expensive mrs. Smith but if you want your cat put down you're going to have to make nine appointments you're right mrs. Thomas this is the first beaver I've seen now what pet have you brought it we just had three which I said the test results back on the cows and it's not good I'm afraid so 10% horse meat lines you wouldn't here in a sci-fi movie captain's log stardate 21:35 it's a Tuesday here are the sci-fi football results r2d2 c-3po captain I don't like it when you call me Spock face unlikely personal ads for sex with no strings attached don't shake a puppet I'm looking for a dominant woman tell me to call you sophisticated erudite man with fan de siècle tastes six woman with massive norc's unlikely things to hear on daytime TV well coming up next to programs you don't want to get confused escape to the hunter II side and bargain hang on next Judge Judy I have to sit next on flog it the team meet their greatest challenge yet a dead horse and now on BBC one let's make an appointment with doctors if you phone now we might be able to see them next Thursday unlikely things to hear in hospital okay I think we should remove the mole how did they get up there now you've got to leave this afternoon mrs. Smith we need your bed I'm shagging a nurse in it at 4 o'clock I'm afraid we're a bit short of time today do you mind if we pull the sheet over you now questions omitted from this year's exams using only the English language right something if the fluid has been flowing at 21 litres a minute for 15 minutes what on earth is wrong with my bladder our multiple choice exams too easy a yes Media Studies trick question one name a business like show business things are weather forecaster would never say well it was cloudy earlier I think it may have a urine infection well you'll be glad to know that scientists have finally explained why we've been enduring this rather long spell of disappointing weather apparently we live in Britain well I'm afraid you're gonna get wet later on I'm following you and I've got a bucket extract some DVDs that would never sail welcome to this how to use a DVD instruction DVD put this DVD in the slot for the DVD the main point of this self-help DVD is that only you can help you no need for me then thanks for the 20 quid welcome to the best of German who do you think you are so your grandfather was a okay we'll leave it there [Applause] welcome to filthy dirty nurses to the rise of Mrs a unlikely things to hear on a motoring program listen to that deep throaty roar of the man I've just run over third fourth yes all my wives have divorced me because I'm such a [ __ ] about car this cars personalised management system remembers who you are and how you drive this morning it locked me out and told me to [ __ ] off unlikely things for a sports commentator to say well good news here in Flushing Meadow Murray has broken Djokovic both legs one arm he won't recover from there 130 kilograms this would be a world record but this small Peruvian is determined to swallow it and get it through customs well my watch has three additional minutes don't buy Rolex from a street market well is 130 and the covers are still on Kevin Pietersen simply won't get out of the [ __ ] bed commercials I've never made it to air I wipe my ass with Colgate and now I've got a ring of confidence you BG from garnier exfoliates hydrates epilate urinates probably not that last one Coco Chanel just build the Honourable I'm sticking to Horlicks lines you wouldn't hear in a blockbuster phone okay Iron Man you win you do the ironing don't take me on I am Wolverine these are my friends Jolene window lien and trampoline there's something in the tractor beam Edie unlikely things for Andy Murray to think I know his championship point I could really do with the poo good burger serve America break his [ __ ] legs cause it's great having an enormous penis was all very well wish I was playing farming simulator things you wouldn't hear on the DIY show many people have written to us asking how you can make your house greener simple paint it green so for the best finish rub vigorously up and down with a piece of sandpaper but be warned you may get a very sore penis so drill the pilot hole take the plasterboard fixing but before you countersink the button ask yourself this is it any wonder my wife left me for a table magician from Macclesfield are likely lines from a romantic novel will you make me the happiest man on earth we don't marry me will you change your name will you become the next mrs. goatee bollocks they skipped hand-in-hand through the wood oh look he said a yew tree how appropriate at last I have found you I found you is it really you are you Wally unlikely small ants sperm donors wanted please come quickly where vasectomies liver suction and all small cosmetic operations call phil the over-ambitious tree surgeon wanted new subjects for scenes we'd like to see here on crime watch and now a case of grand theft auto someone has stolen the case of my grand theft auto a computer fraud stir this week got away with 9 million nectar points police are looking for a disappointed man with one new wineglass sometimes victims of crime don't even know they've been robbed because they use the items taken so infrequently take Dhara Aubry burglars stole his legs six months ago things you wouldn't hear during an election campaign Nick Clegg has demanded a recount here we go one happy now we will shorten the waiting list for I operations by building hospitals on the far side of busy roads unlikely film trailers one man fights his greatest peril laryngitis I can't read productions presents salmon Fishing in the seaman Yemen I only told you to blow the bloody door off in cinemas now the Oscar Pistorius story things you won't hear at the World Cup was a horrible two footed lungs but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up let's have a look at possession yes seven Colombians have been arrested for it it's just this one side is doing it all the time that's really unfair I'm so sorry right Beauty I just you're kind of hogging it a bit so for the rest of the round I'm sorry you're just gonna have to [Applause] [Music] he's he to finish the article that's the question he did very well against Italy but sterling has traditionally performed very badly against the dollar and the yen Andre PLO the only player in world football to be named after the Palestinian Liberation Organization on a cookery program so popping a lemon shoving the stuffing show up the mouth and lets you keep Greg Wallace quiet for a bit we should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere they are goats on chervil and the frogs and tears of an elf so alternatively it's gas mark 4 for 20 minutes you're watching Dignitas television unlikely things to hear in a school assembly we are not involved in extremism and any suggestion we are as deeply offensive to us all here at the jihadi death of the West again good news for last year's leavers we have for at Durham for at Edinburgh for Bristol and you can't find a better selection of Prisons than those just in note 4 5d when I said that Thomas should be in a blazer I didn't mean set him on fire so if ever you feel the need to do drugs have a word with the supply teacher commercials that never made it to air we've got surprises in store the escalators broken and staff no [ __ ] or [Applause] if you can find it cheaper anywhere else tell us and we'll burn their shop down to qualify for a second milk at toy Alexander has invaded Ukraine Kings a sports commentator would never say to see what he said after that challenge he said [ __ ] off and as we wait for the final of the butterfly told to believe that just yesterday all these competitors were still caterpillars welcome to the Nazi Florian golf tournament Hitler as usual is in the bunker [Music] unlikely lines from a filler I have your wife and unless you give me 15 million dollars I will give her back to you okay let me talk to the Navy SEALs you are too late too late look at the timer in 15 seconds my ready meal will be ready are likely things to hear at the dentists I'm just a bit surprised at all when I said spit it out I wasn't expecting you to say you were shagging my wife I wouldn't say that your root canal is in a bad way but I've just found a shopping trolley in it yep you're right they are Falls had good feel while she was unconscious upper right six lower left seven sorry I'll be with you as soon as I finish this game of battleships unlikely lines from a children's book ah black beauty she said I'm glad I bought you rather than the rampant rabbit I bet you wish you were like me I fall over all the time and I never hurt myself said mr. bounce now [ __ ] off said Mark Cavendish well what should we call our baby said mr. dizzy ooh let's think said miss rascal unlikely things to hear in court the defendant is as you can see an evil man with a black heart but nice firm buttons I am now going to pronounce sentence sentence and now mr. Harris it is time for your sentence can you tell what it is yet things you wouldn't hear in a nature documentary this is the most fantastic migration I have ever seen these Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel the barbs that come off these tiny creatures can be very painful this one just called me a talentless wanker this lioness has just had four cubs but he's not as sweet as it looks she's also had three brown these two guides and a ventures count unlikely small odds do you need a dog walker you lazy bastard flexible nanny required my wife only does a missionary position unlikely lines from a superhero movie he stopped us again damn you lollipop man spider-man is dead and so is fly man swallowed by there was an old lady woman you are the superhero every man wants to see girl-on-girl is that your advice for normally I just cook from frozen unlikely things are here at an award show welcome to the national taxi driver award this is the identity theft Awards and I'm your host Dara Aubry and the winner of this year's Academy Award isn't joseph´s Academy unlike lines from a romantic novel this is the last time that we can be together he said aren't you going to say something it's for you she says my hair in a locket oh [ __ ] it I won't need that coughs wait he searched her eagerly with his tongue it's tip exploring every crevice every orifice God he loved being a customs officer for the first time in her life she reached a shuddering shuddering orgasm she had no idea that such a thing could happen if you leant against a Hotpoint during the spin cycle unlikely things to hear on a news program according to statistics the French economy is now the weakest growing of all the economies in Europe are now over to our foreign correspondent do you speak [Music] it's time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers so the times in The Telegraph lead with industrial strife and in the sudden we can see that Caroline from Dagenham has got a terrific pair of norc's things you wouldn't hear and a medical show I think we've got the balance about right here the hospital is clean but the nurses are filthy well that really is an enormous growth mr. Thomas I think it might be better to leave it and remove you this week on embarrassing bodies sefa welcome to another episode of busch doctors or as i call them gynecologist unlike the things for a sports commentator to say and Hamilton that takes the checkered flag give back the jacket back oh so will it be Oxford who will it be Cambridge who will provide most of the new cabinet and Rosberg makes a mistake he runs why did to turn to why is he running [Music] [Applause] live you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show this way rosemary and thyme are joined by two Indian detectives turmeric and chili I think I have solved it what no [ __ ] Sherlock you're under arrest you're not obliged to say anything but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get paid a bit more hello with the Fashion Police let's see the body Oh blue with green he deserves to die things you wouldn't hear at a party conference the leader speech will be signed for the hard-of-hearing [Music] and for the last time for the last time can I assure you that the NHS is safe in our blood-stained money-grabbing hands unlikely things are here on daytime TV today on 60 Minute Makeover Dobie Dickinson gets resprayed with creosote again the next program has been sponsored by Dignitas come die with me due to a misunderstanding flog it Saudi Arabia has been canceled unlikely things to hear at Christmas so if the turkey is sitting in granny's seat what does I put in the oven and where do those shove that stuffing I've got you two things for Christmas darling a new life insurance policy and this don't open it until I'm a long way away yes we're having turkey with all the trimmings from your father's beard I understand you do fair trade presents I'd like to swap my wife for an iphone6 unlikely things to hear at new year now it's time for Big Ben I'll put the music on Ben get your kicks off of course I can stay up till 12:00 I'll just have another Viagra commercials that never made it to air fungal foot problem Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend but I F we call it a happy meal the cow we killed wasn't too chuffed up the links effect lines you wouldn't hear in a sci-fi movie I'll give you the Zulu set course for the fourth quadrant to the Orion Nebula I think there's a Nando's there I think this time tunnel is broken we have gone a thousand years into the future and books Forsyth is still working our planet is dying we seek a new home which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie things you wouldn't hear on a survival show there is barely any water here so we've been collecting our urine but this morning some of it was gone and that is taking the piss well night is falling it's raining and I'm in the shelter but it still feels dangerous here there are six teenagers staring at me and the bus doesn't arrive for 20 minutes after three months totally alone on the island is amazing that John hasn't gone mad isn't that right John yeah unlike the things they hear over at annoy this is not a drill I repeat this is not a drill would somebody please go to the power tools aisle and get me a drill would the couple having sex in aisle two please stop spillage in aisle two welcome to sexy stairways I'm just going to pop on the seatbelt sign for a moment because we're swapping to a lady pilots welcome to the sexist supermarket checkout number three unlikely film trailers and then a man who only wants one thing strepsils he loves sex but he has no arms which position will he choose mission we impossible a group of Greeks try to get away with our money chicken run it's the bromance of the year Eden David Miliband star in what the [ __ ] was the point of that then things you wouldn't hear on the radio this is top DJ's at the 1970s prison radio has never sounded so good you're listening to saga radio you're listening due to tomorrow's BBC strike tomorrow's today program will be today's today program but called yesterday unlikely greeting cards roses are red violets are blue sorry are dead what can you do I saw this and thought of you blank inside congratulations you did it and we'll prove it the Crown Prosecution Service things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary the dinosaurs were wiped out by giant asteroid silly them for all standing in the same place so it glows in the dark and it has a half-life of a thousand years frankly I've never done a poo like it mr. Oh Breen I award you a PhD phenomenal hair Darin I work with Dara o breeds and today my experiment is to turn this joke into a p45 unlikely things for a sports commentator to say Mo Farah has apologised for his association with substances that the British public regard as abhorrent and has said he will never advertise corn again well it's just managed better than rugby union and at the same time ever so slightly more gay well this is his third attempt with a bar at this height no still can't get served räikkönen now on supersoft the viagra simply not working unlikely things to hear on a gardening program well to answer your question I tend to keep mine on a holes real but then I'm very lucky down there well we've had a letter from mrs. Smith of ETSU who's asked us to identify something that she is found in our garden well mrs. Smith there's a dog turd whoa that is the wheelbarrow and tomorrow I'll show you another sexual position unlikely lines for blockbuster movie until she cools dead the right Frodo this is an unexpected journey we're on a replacement bus service this is the furthest out reaches of the universe Alpha Centauri how did they get to host the World Cup [Applause] it's Bay Dec man unlikely things to hear on a travel program look at that he's wide sandy beaches fantastic and we're almost certainly a bowler has now gone this is Taiwan I've given them a number cuz I can't pronounce his name problem [Music] today we got a flavor of Thailand with just a little bit of a rack I'm in a branch of Thai Rak I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong I'm on a train to Layton with a load of football fans this is the Orient Express this is Keflavik one of Iceland's oldest geezers you alright mate unlikely things to hear on breakfast TV this is BBC Breakfast look at it that's meant to be a sausage today we're looking at the world's biggest birthday oh no a man's in it well it's time for the traffic news now here on Christian breakfast time so let's go over to our eye in the sky god well let's take a look at the traffic there it is lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel he took her hand in his and squeezed it now he thought I wonder where the rest of her body is she felt her bosom heaving as mr. Darcy came ever closer blimey you said you don't get many of them to the pound [Music] why why does it end like this she said childhood accident new blood I crushed it in the trails of press of course I've seen a black penis before she said just never attach to a white man rejected exam questions history did I delete it question a media studies is it a real subject question be easy [Applause] aggravated violence question one why might you use a bit of rubber hose bite no marks chemistry me you is there any unlikely thing to say when running for US president I won't go to Washington right I want to see what color the White House is I would like to introduce you to my new homeland security adviser say hi lamb chop but you must remember the people we need to convince so the great American people and most of them are s thickest pictures I wish to have no secrets in this campaign I wish to be completely open then that is done that is why I'm gonna start that again because I [ __ ] that up I want to have no secrets in this campaign and that is why I have gathered you here tonight to tell you I shot unlikely things to hear on a consumer program well what toilets wasn't connected and there was no water coming out of the taps and that's the last time I have a poo in the showroom at being cute bad news for electricity consumers end power has been bought by n-dubz the house was haunted and when he refused to pay the 200 pounds for the exorcism it was repossessed his lines you wouldn't hear in a kid's film what did Cameron do to you babe it's bad news Dorothy the Cowardly Lion has been shot by an American dentist it's bad news Pumbaa Simba has been shot by an American dentist Edmund Lucy bad news Nimmo me no I'm her be a VW Beetle I falsified my emissions tests unlikely things for a sports commentator to say I can say Nico Rosberg helmet 100 meters in 4 hours 26 minutes and that is meter reading and it's very bad left hand big right hand right hand again big left hand why has no one put these gloves in pairs unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say I can see you is masturbation bad for you that's not the next program I'm just thinking aloud and now on channel 4 skins for skins well next up it's Midlands today so if you're watching in the Orkneys you can [ __ ] off things you wouldn't hear on a news program well he went in half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out so I can only assume he's having a very big poo the fighting here has been drawn out and bloody but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News this is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona bull run [ __ ] hell unlikely agony aunt letters did you read last time I wrote you you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation why then yesterday did I get thrown off the bus as we own our own business my wife and I often make love at work and we'd love to try new positions tomorrow I'm finance director and she's head of IT commercials that never made it to air I used to wash with dove but the feathers came off and the beat was stretching for Huth marks and a large pile of poo that's the sign of the black horse at Debenhams we've kidnapped the John Lewis penguin and if you don't shop with this we'll kill him unlikely things to hear in hospital don't worry mr. Thomas you won't be on that trolley in the corridor for much longer we're taking it back to Tesco to get our pound back okay let's call the time of death at 4:15 he's not dead yet but it's a Friday and if we leave now it can be the traffic is this admissions good cuz it got one I shoved your wife okay we need to shock him stick your finger up his ass unlikely letters to TV channels dear boomerang TV what does my letter keep coming back dear History Channel the past is the past might you've got to let it go dear al-jazeera why not music from the [Applause] j00 al-jazeera I wonder if we're related he was naive Jazeera things you wouldn't hear in a blockbuster movie have you seen spider-man he's been shot to pieces he's all over the web Batman vs Superman late kickoff it's good news and bad news captain we can't find Spock but we have found Nemo and someone thinks they spotted Private Ryan I'm sorry James we have to include the international dialing code you are now double O four four seven things you wouldn't hear on a kids TV show go is what I shouted orgasm well things are hotting up in Balamory Archie's been radicalized and the janitor would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for the photographs he'd taken of those pesky kids and now peppa pig is a recipe on Saturday kitchen unlike even here at Euro 2016 Rooney is playing in the pocket oh that's unpleasant the England front three are trying to get in behind but the wags are having none of it well next for us it's Iceland Turkey and when there's defrosted its England Slovakia well let's look at the stats in the first half I was responsible for 90% of the cliches and that really is the icing on the cake [Applause] I just have to get some more pants unlikely film trailers tap Blatter and Donald Trump star in Despicable Me 2 The Avengers go to prison they should have asked the age of Ultron the sequel you hoped they would never make the Martian to 101 dull Martians Michael Gove is David Cameron's best buddy in Quentin Tarantino's the hateful mate unlikely things to hear on a makeover show welcome to changing rooms this one's in the laundry department of Debenhams well why do we call it DIY SOS because I've accidentally staplegun my penis to this staircase well he's taking a lot of work a lot of sawing and a lot of drilling but finally the shed is finished and jeff has somewhere quiet to masturbate in well I mean I absolutely love it I love the wallpaper I love the way you've not throws just one thing I actually live next door rejected exam questions was Elizabeth the first No then who did you lose your virginity to history who were the Liberal Democrats predict the next number in this sequence 1966 which is bigger 52 percent or 48 percent that's democracy get on with it things you wouldn't hear on a train the next stop for this train will be Waterloo it's not been to be but a brakes are failed this is an announcement for all passengers piss off the lot of you this is cross rail with the driver please contact the guard and we're doing 120 you don't seem to be in the cab mate there is a quiet carriage on this train for those shocked into silence by the price of the ticket unlikely things for a sports commentator to say let's see what the batsman does with this ball he's nicked it give us back our ball usually Bouchard hits the backhand that is a fantastic shot well done the cameraman low angle perfect view of her knickers McIlroy takes out the drive up 'über aren't gonna be happy about that [Applause] and with one lap to go the pacemaker drops out when the [ __ ] my pacemaker things you wouldn't read in a romantic novel she pulled his hair and slapped him roughly but still Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't resign you I love you said Mel as the gardener Oh can be too fine but my favorite tree is you what do I love about you your eyes your hair your Irish passport eyes you are all eyes miss Mississippi lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show these dots these deaf is what do they mean Inspector Morse blood skin fragments of bone why did I order the sausages I think going undercover at the strip joint is a good idea but is it really your thing Miss Marple these are his movements just before he was killed things you didn't hear at the Olympics let's let's see what's happening in the velodrome yep cycling well this is the pommel horse and that plaintive neigh is the horse they are pummeling breaking news Ryan Lochte has tested positive for being at white unlikely lines from a children's book mr. stubborn wouldn't leave he was the elected leader of the Labor Party I'm Paddington Bear from Peru said Paddington and if you show me where the toilet is I'll pull out this condom of cocaine oh it wasn't a Giant Peach after all thought James as he watched the Big Friendly Giant put on his swimming trunks things you wouldn't hear on a quiz show well in that round on sexually transmitted diseases you passed on four welcome to Britain's only quiz about birds of prey fingers on buzzers please is that your final answer I'll marry someone else then I've started so I finished well today it's Kelly Brooke and Joey Essex versus Stevens Hawking and fry this is [ __ ] pointless things you'd never read in the Bible Eve took the Apple public she said he hasn't got a headphone jack I have five loaves and two fishes he said who wants caught in bread crumbs there was stress in the Garden of Eden Adam wanted to leave but Eve had voted remain god is love the devil is 40 match point there is but one commandment greater than these secure the talent before you by the bake-off lies you wouldn't hear like James Bond we've got the latest news on Thunderball double-oh-seven no one won last week and it's a roll over you want my full name of course is bond james Skipton building society fixed-rate one year Blofeld no I've never even met felt unlike these small arts genuine single man looking for a relationship call this number if my wife answers hang up rubbish collection services yep we are genuinely [ __ ] at it have you lost a ginger cat check the top of Donald Trump's head things you wouldn't hear on a TV cookery show this is a hot pot [Applause] there is a there is a bit of a problem on this week's food and drink I finished all of it well if you're gonna pop it in don't forget to cover it first I didn't and that's why I'm making paternity payments welcome welcome to great Indian bake-off I'm Paul Bollywood things you wouldn't hear on Crimewatch the criminals then blew the safe but however hard they blew it just stayed where it was do you like it it's a Rolex on Nick night that is a crime watch right let's have a quick look at Britain's most unwanted this is Sam Allardyce unlikely lines from a fantasy film I was Gandalf the Grey but now after only three washes now sorry darling no that's a ticket now this is a double yellow brick road no I'm sorry Alice this is Sunderland call yourself an orc oh yeah you can talk to your but can you walk me off [Applause]

Channel: Matt Brown

Views: 6,381,324

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Id: 6wvVJuvoZTA

Length: 153min 50sec (9230 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 26 2016