Mock The Week: Scenes We'd Like To See (Series 19)

[Applause] now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way to the performance area i'll read at this week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is commercials have never made it to air do you have a crippling addiction to masturbation and biscuits try working from home sofa is full price [Laughter] want to get compliments on how much weight you've lost buy a massive pair of trousers and stand like this all the time if you like clouds and you like oceans we've got both sky atlantic eight out of ten cats prefer your neighbor's house cats are traitors fire in the hole try caniston we sell our turkeys in wooden coffins so that you can pretend it's a funeral and have 30 people round for christmas [Laughter] this advert costs hundreds of thousands of pounds to make please don't skip it in three two one you [ __ ] bastard bat soup the delicious taste of six months off airbnb yes that is your sofa in that porn film there are some things money can't buy for everything else there's theft please please buy our product we really need to buy our product we're going to go wonder if you don't buy our product we are corona lager super dry conveniently named after the effect wearing it has on women ryanair not just an airline it's also the name of our cheapest sandwich rye and air pow land condoms you get what you pay for reese james because ed gamble's busy [Applause] okay the next topic is unlikely lines from a sci-fi movie we're gonna have to put gotham city into lockdown someone ate batman luke i'm not your father but i can be your daddy don't worry we put you in cryogenic suspension to make the journey more bearable it's amazing technology but it does make megabus slightly more expensive [Laughter] okay prep the rice chamber someone dropped r2d2 in the toilet and i want to piss off nigel everyone set your devices to stun because i've got this fabulous new hat luke i am your father well i'm boris johnson so the odds are pretty good how can we tell you're not a robot hold up which of these squares contain a traffic light we come in peace yeah that's all very well and good but we've got a point space immigration system um can you pick fruit with your tentacles oh no it took my eyes i can't see but i'll just drive to barnard castle make sure i don't care if you're a dalek you have to check in with the app [Music] the overlord is pure evil and he just doesn't care he knows that every time he presses his buzzer a child dies i just can't do it captain i don't have the power are you in neutral e.t just texts home nobody phones anymore you're so embarrassing i'll tell you what i just got it ryanair okay i'm gonna beam myself down to the surface of the planet oh oh it's so hot it's hot it's molten hot water tell me [Laughter] sorry don't honey me you've shrunk the kids [Laughter] master luke i'm afraid the ship's crew have refused to go any further until they've had smashed avocado on toast i knew we shouldn't have tried to get home in the millennial falcon [Applause] the crew refused to go home until they've had avocado on toast we shouldn't have i can't do it you know what it's harder than it looks and i've gained a lot of respect for you angela ryanair unlikely lines from a thriller you're not going to believe what they've done they've bleached the minions my joke my joke did you care for a game 007 dinosaur top trumps we put charges here and here no one will be able to get into central london without paying i won't let you die on me so i'm just gonna roll you onto the floor you can die down there should i cut the red wire no bond it's just my tampon you want a quarter of a million pounds now and another quarter of a million when the job is done come on mate it's only a boiler we are gonna find this so-called [ __ ] killer and when we do he's going down for a very long time it's gonna explode at any minute well it's your daughter's nappy you change it the british secret service may have m but we have someone twice as good eminem the first rule of fight club is scan the qr code on entry look we can't talk for long because we're both female characters [Applause] vodka martini shaken not actually this is my sixth one so i don't give a [ __ ] if you make it in a blender ah it goes off in 10 seconds you will never stop me oh you've put it on snooze look it's really tough out there because of the pandemic so we're gonna have to put you on furlough leave on 80 of what you're worth so double07 you're now double 05.6 i don't know which wire to cut so look this is my first vasectomy what's the cause of death well i think a lot of this blood is actually supposed to be inside his body mr bond i am a high-level government advisor don't assume i'm going to sleep with you just because my name is bresti lovecock okay the next topic is unlikely things to hear in a nature show now we see the fastest predator on land prince andrew running from american lawyers and as i watch these birds begin their mating ritual i know that i'm really making full use of my pornhub subscription i cannot believe it someone has bleached the minions [Applause] sperm whales could they be the reason the sea is so salty here is the indian elephant being asked by its mother white hasn't met a nice girl yet the mighty bear emerges from hibernation time to get back on grinder the male snake will shed its skin up to 12 times a year or because it thinks moisturizing is a bit girly as of 2020 the global population is 7.8 billion people and you're still single the serengeti home to absolutely shitloads of animals thanks to the wonders of modern technology we can now translate what these penguins are saying into english let's listen in bloody and it's cold the owl's head can rotate 720 degrees before coming off in your hands i mean just look at that massive fuck-off herd of elephants [Laughter] it is over the hippo has won and the flamingo retreats because frankly he hasn't got a leg to stand on just look at all those rhinos endangered my hole it turns out a bull in a china shop wasn't as dramatic as we thought but join us next week when i'll be putting a cat amongst some pigeons at just three microns it is almost invisible to the human eye yep i've got a tiny penis and in the first episode we're going to be taking an intimate look at how it builds its dams i'm as disappointed as you anyway welcome to inside the beaver unlikely thing to say when running for president silence worms okay i just need to check my notes i've got so much money i'm delighted to announce that my running mate is the hologram of kim kardashian's dead death thank you once again for electing me vladimir putin president of the usa you will not find me confusing presidents with fast food outlets and that is why i have been such a long time admirer of jfkfc [Applause] as president i'll be legalizing marijuana [Laughter] ladies and gentlemen i want to be your president not for the fame not for the power not for the riches but for the fanny this week i will speak in four states angry tired psychotic medicated why should black voters trust me well if you check my college photos i even used to dress up as you guys back in the day in light of recent events sir we've decided to postpone all campaign activities it's called self-care babes look it up tax havens tax butlins tax pontins if elected i will drastically reduce the price of prosthetic limbs because at the moment they cost an arm and a leg i will not be running in 2020. i will be skipping [Laughter] [Applause] i can't deny i did send those explicit images but in my defense i had just had my [ __ ] bleached and i was very pleased with how it came out to the people who say that i'm too old to be president here's a pound don't tell your mom ah yes we can lock her up drain the swamp hands face space oh my god i can't stop speaking in threes someone please help the allegations of voter fraud are ridiculous my opponent is just jealous of my popularity with the dead i'm running for president and what do you do adviser what do people say i have alienated too many people to be elected president and to those people i say [ __ ] off okay the next topic is things you wouldn't hear on a cookery show sorry onions always make me cry um because my mother was killed by an onion truck now it's had a lot of bad press recently but i think i can change your mind with my recipe for bat alohange if you are going to google this recipe do be aware that coco van does bring up a lot of dogging websites this recipe was passed down to me by my great-grandmother so it is a little bit racist so last week i showed you how to knock up a chicken this week a shout out to impregnate turkey hi i'm nigella lawson and i've run out of innuendo so i'm just going to cook this curry with a tit out [Laughter] [Applause] and of course you can get these from the supermarket but i prefer to grow my own haribo well they're very sad pair of dumplings but uh they're still hosting masterchef so there is shark fin soup tada sorry now in america they call these eggplants but in the uk we simply call them chickens [Laughter] now we've put the pineapple on the pizza all that's left is to slide it into the bin so is it a cereal is it seafood who cares it's the world's most dangerous fusion food sugar puffer fish two apples sorry core two apps so when my family came to england in the 60s they very early on they realized that all you need to do is package up any old [ __ ] call it authentic and white people will lap it up to my new pop-up restaurant where we just make toast [Applause] and now i'm gonna roast these carrots yeah you wonky orange knobs so we'll just wait for that to rise for a minute and if it doesn't i'll pop another viagra it's another lockdowns you know that means it's another series of cooking wild pissed today we're gonna put an oven ready meal in the microwave for too long [Laughter] things a news reporter would never say and the prime minister is just going to be arriving now i'm going to see if i can just have a quick word with him and that word's going to be [Applause] and i'm reporting live from north korea because my colleagues hate me so i'm not going to tell you who i am where i am or what's happening all around me i can hear shelling why i am in a pee factory um and today um megan and harry have to be honest i don't care now the traffic news um there's a terrible mess just past junction 16 on the m4 swindon and now to find out how those peace talks are progressing we're gonna cross now to camp david oh hello and i'm just getting word now that half of the hostages have been released which can only be oh hang on sorry oh oh no half a hostage you're watching channel 5 news sorry i'm a bit sorry no one's no one's ever done that before have you sat on the remote the following scenes contain flash photography very flash terry's got a new camera tonight the winner of the euromillions largest ever rollover jackpot has been announced that's right read your own [ __ ] headlines i don't care if you don't want to see me again i'm still polite to text back darren and now back to phil collins in the studio our news readers getting too dramatic find out more next week water has been discovered on the moon very close to the spot where neil armstrong said hey buzz i'm just nipping behind this rock for a minute eyewitnesses say that the flasher bears an uncanny resemblance to gru from despicable me and emits a short buzzing noise just before exposing himself okay the next topic is unlikely lines from kids films and tv shows and today's show children has been brought to you by the letter p and the number 45 oh one two three four gosh mr tumble you do have a low sperm cow [Applause] thomas the tank engine huffed and puffed as he pulled out of paddington paddington rolled over and had a post post-coital marmalade sandwich can i tell you a secret said tigger i killed carol baskin's husband peppa pig great with rice in this week's horrible histories we're going to be covering 2020 oh no next up it's the world's first fully animated pornography sex toy story i don't know what happened i just joined in with a song and i lost control of the boss [Laughter] mummy bear said somebody's been sleeping in my bed and daddy bear said well you don't have to rub it in you [ __ ] oh look here come the seven dwarves grumpy bashful sleepy dopey crackhead nonce and [ __ ] on this week's angelina ballerina we'll be finding out if angelina can get a job in cyber hello fat controller said thomas [ __ ] you call me a great face [ __ ] i really love you peter rabbit oh wait sorry not rampant rampant well we've told him it's a giant peach but the truth is james is just very very small did you know children that without rap music we wouldn't have passed the parcel music but luckily before cinderella had left the party she had left a [ __ ] in the punchbowl and the prince said whoever is i will marry unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie unfortunately this year's hunger games has had to be cancelled thanks to marcus bloody rashford you talking to me you talking to me as i say mrs patel sometimes it's just your tone i'm sorry mr batman the most has to cover your mouth he says he's going to kill you but he won't he's just being silly stop being darth vader stella stellar so you have to order on the app we need to join forces to become a pantomime horse you'll be front i'll be back vodka martini shaken not stirred oh go on and a bag of frazzles everything i touch just turns to ice i can't give hand jobs away give me one good reason why i shouldn't kill you it's illegal well game set and match i can't apologize enough wax on wax off wax on wax off god this is a good episode of naked attraction all the superheroes are sat cross-legged on a sports hall floor in avengers assembly i mean you can laugh but i did that one in series 14. [Laughter] yeah i'll take it i am batman do you have any strap sauce i i don't know what happened i i was just making love to john mcclane and then he passed away i i guess it was a good day to die hard i don't know what happened i was just making love to canada and then he passed away i guess it was a good day to die hard just use whichever one you prefer you had me at hello you lost me at send nudes [Laughter] i see dead people okay and they all voted for sleepy joe biden you're not the president you're wearing a disguise i just ripped the president's face off say hello to my little friend mr sunak if you could just outline the budget of course we need a bigger boat you cannot catch a shark in a [ __ ] pedalo the next topic is things you never hear in a science documentary and your host is not dara o'brien the uk consumes more coke than any other country in europe so why can't i find my dealer anywhere hi i'm brian cox and i'm here with my favorite bald comic companion tom allen the human body is 80 water what would it feel like if it wasn't well much better i've needed that piss since breakfast there's two main rules when it comes to magnetism attraction and repulsion sorry not magnetism tinder and this right here is the exact spot where man crawled out of the sea and attempted to walk welcome to ibiza uncovered so i dedicated my entire life to becoming a rocket scientist only to discover years later that it didn't impress shania twain at all nasa have finally solved the problem of lack of motivation at work with this a rocket small enough to put up your ass the planet used to be a one large land mass called pangaea before its inhabitants voted for panjexit if you look around chemistry is everywhere except in my marriage well stand back and put your safety goggles on and let's see what happens when i pop a viagra [Laughter] we finally discovered what dolphins are actually saying to each other and it turns out they're quite racist welcome to the documentary you switched to when your mum walked in on you watching porn well we've got it up to 70 that's enough in it some say science and religion can't mix but if not for dna we wouldn't have caught these priests as archimedes lay in the bath he made his greatest discovery yet dicks float and that was buzz aldrin there talking about believe it or not the [ __ ] moon again jesus christ mate change it unlikely lines from a tv detective show no it's not a murderer he just died you're going away for a long long time you've clearly used up all of your annual holiday have a great trip yeah no it does sound like a lovely trip to austin towers they just sort of meant call me if you remember anything about the case why does the chalk outline have three legs oh that's not a leg impossible detective it couldn't have been me on the night of the 22nd i was at home cleaning my murder weapons this is tango charlie okay my mistake i'll get you a pepsi charlie and was there any id on the murder victim great oh today's date it's their birthday get their arms one two okay i'm gonna go in there and do the interrogation as normal then you come in ask me which motorway i took to get here sneeze very loudly and then tell me things were done differently in your day classic good cop dad cop i'm from the swat team i've had enough turn over your badge i've always been curious to know what the back of those badges look like whoa whoa whoa can you just well can you speak in norwegian it makes it more gritty and then people don't realize the acting's actually [ __ ] yeah there's uh semen on the bed sheets there's blood on the walls maybe we should move hotel rooms anything you say can and will be held against you at any time what do you mean why because i'm your wife unfortunately the murderer's latest victim was a teenage girl it's believed her last words were ugh can you not okay so we've got hair samples we've got scrapings from underneath the fingernail we've got a bite mark and that's why i'm sending this pizza back i've got an artist's impression for you boss the next topic is unlikely lines from a romantic novel she collapsed slowly in his arms he sighed and reached for the puncture repair kit oh pretty he said bully me like one of your civil servants let's make love she said but not here upstairs and with that they climbed to the top deck of the night bus she turned to her husband and said let's try role play tonight he said sure what do you want to do you said i want you to pretend you're the prime minister oh you're into power no i want to get me pregnant and [ __ ] off i'm wearing edible underwear she teased he ripped off her skirt um yeah i think generally that's supposed to be candy it's just i'm not really in a spag bowl move next time he said licking cream out of her belly button i'll remember to put the lid on the blender as he climbed on top of her melania thought to herself remember he'll be dead soon she smiled at him across the mattress aren't we lucky she said to have found a skip with one of these in it it was just like a scene from romeo and juliet except i didn't take the poison and now i want it for murder 000 a year mr darcy why that's an awful lot of women she took him by the hand and led him up to the bedroom he couldn't believe it she was about to make his deepest fantasy come true he was gonna get to have sex go leave me i cannot stand another minute in your presence i could never love a man who thinks it's funny to superglue a woman's hand to her forehead anastasia walked towards the wall of chains hooks and rope a huge hulk of a man stepped in front of her and said hi i'm jeff welcome to being queue she said to her will you make me the happiest man in the world and introduce me to your fit sister she knew she was being wooed and now she told him to piss off she was being very wooed indeed [Laughter] as he climbed under the covers he couldn't believe what he saw a beautiful woman with long blonde hair big green eyes and a perfect body tattooed on the arm of a plasterer called dina i came as soon as i got your message richard was dreadful at sexting he got down on one knee will you marry me he asked she flushed oh you should ask my father first um i don't fancy him he kissed her tenderly she looked in his eyes and said do that thing you know i like and he went downstairs and restacked the dishwasher properly things the sports commentator would never say oh and he's finished that race in just under two hours a gruelling finish for the hundred meters and a very disappointing performance from captain tom and congratulations to my mum who's taking home the gold medal for passive aggression and there he is he's crossed the line that jockey has just won the grand national he must feel five feet tall and there we have it we finally know who has won the ashes some said a tombola at a funeral was inappropriate but it's what she would have wanted well with three sixes like that in a row you have to ask is satan the one day batsman england have been looking for it's 2046. welcome to the opening ceremony of the tokyo 2020 olympics and hamilton has the lead and look how excited his dog is tonight we have coverage of the england men's team well that is a wild throw in the javelin that is huge very difficult to tell where that javelin's going where is that devil [Applause] and he's reaching and he's almost got it and yes harry potter has the golden snitch of course he has the smug prick and that is exactly why they call him a fox in the box a great finish followed by [ __ ] and screaming [Applause] well that was a very delayed decision on var but yes jeff her skull did cross the line oh and that's a firm backhand although i like to try reasoning with the staff um what's the name of the guy taking the penalty can you find it out from oh he's gone in god uh liverpool in their away costumes they're just making their way backstage for the interval ah and what a fascinating end to the snooker he went red then blue and then the ambulance arrived to take him away andy murray there with a soft lob happens to the best of us and as the lights go out for the start of this nighttime singapore grand prix the driver shout please turn the lights on we can't see a [ __ ] thing their next topic is unlikely things to hear on a property show now this next property's got a bit of showbiz sparkle now do you know david tennant well the guy he played dennis nelson used to live here now an excellent way to check if it is a load-bearing wall is to knock it down and see what happens storage is often a problem but not for me i am kevin mackay cloud and of course you've got the extra room you know thinking about the longer term if you want to get married and have babies if you know that's something you're interested in this week on location location location we're in beijing stoke basing stoke basingstoke next up on bbc london we've got escape to the country and on bbc somerset it's defend the village from towny buggers now this clever couple swapped their tiny one bed for a south-facing detached 426 bed by simply moving to benson's for beds now we have had a couple of issues with the garden we've managed to clear away most of a japanese knotweed but i don't know how familiar you are with quicksand after this millennial couple stopped buying posh lattes for an entire year they had saved enough money for one massive latte and there's also the option of a fire in the living room if you need the insurance money well i asked the vendor what he thought of your offer and he told me to shove it up your ass and we've been able to convert this one-bedroom flat into a three-bedroom flat just by putting a bed in the kitchen and the toilet ah i see you've got put a cellar on your must-haves is that because you're alcoholics or perverts john has always wanted to convert a lighthouse but the project has been on and off for years [Applause] this week on a place in the sun we feature a couple who speak a second language and buy the house now you said you wanted to be near a school how many little ones do you have okay how many are you expecting to have i'm gonna have to call the police sir of course we're not sure if they're serious buyers uh but when they're finished having a [ __ ] we'll ask them unlikely things to hear at christmas i love all seven of you well you know what they say giving is receiving so get to work well darling we can mix households at christmas so i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to my other family i don't know i just i just kind of feel sad that 2020 is coming to an end well it always sparks a great debate as to whether or not it technically counts as a christmas film but up next on bbc one it's santa's little spunkers jesus oh a face mask lovely no darling you can't call him a christmas cracker his name's santa claus uh bad news i'm afraid you have been diagnosed with covet-19 and oh mistletoe okay i'll do the joke um why should you never buy the cheapest crackers available uh i just got in mel what did you get you own gold why don't we put all the presents in one big gift basket and you say it's from all of us hello darling it's me mum i've got nothing to say about your appearance and now to sing us live into 2021 will you please welcome chris witte and the coronavirus choir you know it was actually coca-cola who invented the whole santa wearing a red suit thing before that he used to wear her crotchless chaps and was known as bastard uncle benji whoa whoa all right sorry mum i just fancied turkey for breakfast how was i supposed to know you were saving it leg or breast i was thinking arm are you sure you're qualified to administer a vaccine well what a pity you come out for a nice evening to watch the boys of the nypd choir and the evening is ruined by the toothless drunk couple behind you having a homophobic argument i know you don't like me being extravagant so i've spent hardly anything on you this year just got you something small it's debenhams you there boy what day is it what's my name where am i al you want a speech do you where's your precious olivia coleman who's now a glass of chicken [ __ ] sorry i mean eggnog science how do you bleach a minion [Applause]

Channel: Platinum Patience

Views: 1,357,355

Rating: 4.7632399 out of 5

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Id: qx1tYVhs380

Length: 50min 15sec (3015 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 22 2020