Mock the Week Series 19 Episode 6

[Music] i read about the things that happened throughout the [Music] world [Music] oh hello and welcome to mock the week i'm dara o'brien joined this week are ed byrne tom allen and ria lena rhys james hugh dennis and replacing angela barnes who has taken ill at short notice today matt brown we start tonight with a round call if this is the answer what is the question on the board are six categories ria which category would you like politics please excellent choice your topic is politics the answer is one percent what is the question is it the percentage of the school year my kids have actually been in school is it how many germs are completely happy with domestos is it what are the chances math didn't poison angela barnes it's not fair man it's not for there just to say math because because uh andrew did follow with she got a high temperature in the afternoon and then under the current in the current climate let's say decided the better thing to do is to step down you haven't seen best wishes to angela i hope she gets well soon and further that she hasn't made the rest of herself implicit in that matt however would normally be doing the warm-up on the show and has stepped up at very little notice to join us math welcome good to have you here thank you [Applause] what is the question is that how much of matt hancock's dna is identical to humans is it how much of the crown is actually true [Laughter] oh oh that is scat you're right that is the most outrageous thing that's probably going to get said today okay is it how much battery does boris johnson claim he's got left whitney gets a call from chris whitty [Laughter] is it how effective is the covert vaccine developed by mums which is just an early night in a glass of water is it what percentage of people who buy the sun can actually read it is it how many people who have voted for the green party have realized that ironically they've just wasted paper is it how much of giuliani is still alive is it how much of an opposition his keirstarmer actually mounted since he became leader of the labour party [Music] balance balance is it uh is it how much notice was i given that i was going to be on the show yes is it uh how much of the mock the week hair and makeup department's time is spent on dara's hair i shouldn't say this because i'm new but i was in makeup with dara and she like pritt sticked his head do they add hair they know they they it's not grape potatoes and then like roll me in something and i get a passport so it's a win-win yeah yeah what is the correct answer it's uh what percentage of the boxes do i tick [Laughter] the least diverse panelist in the world yeah it's true well by now i think i'm probably representing the elderly so that's yeah okay it's uh how much of our zoom audience will still be left at the end of the recording the real answer is what percentage of the country will be in tier one under the new covet regulator that's absolutely right thank you very much yeah the question i was looking for was how much of england's population has been placed under the lowest tier one level of coronavirus restrictions this is the news that on the national lockdown ended at midnight last night it was replaced by a toughened up version of the tier system 99 of the country found them under tiers two or three while just cornwall and the isle of wight were under tier one restrictions what's the point of being in tier one on the isle of wight it's still the isle of wine i mean what are you going to do with your freedom pop to the local well and wish you were in london the tears i mean they i mean they're not the discrepancies are both too small and too wide the tears are essentially pubs are open pubs are open if you're hungry and sorry to hear that you have died substantial is the catchphrase at the moment is scotch a substantial meal is he is the key apparently it's only a substantial meal if it's served with table service which if that is the definition of a substantial meal none of my children have ever been fed a substantial meal by me the thing with the scotch eggs is is that you have so if you want to order like a round of sharks you'd have to order like scotch eggs to go with each shot imagine that at the end of the night though right there yeah got us 12 scotch eggs you slam your scotch egg or do you think you have the shot right and then and then you bite into the scotch egg take the taste do it like that yeah do it like a jager bomb and dissolve it like a barrack yeah when people talk about their hangovers now it'll all be in terms of how egg bound you feel like oh man oh i hit it hurt last weekend tuesday i still haven't had a [ __ ] we're so obsessed with pubs this whole this is a pandemic and all anyone talks about is yeah can i go to the pub or not oh that's the the whole debate the whole not once have i seen an infographic telling us how many households we're allowed to be in a library with but has there been there's not been an angry tweet saying what they're shot in the museum at 10. i also mean city and country um there's uh this uh what the the difference between the urban environment and the rural exactly and how the rural environment is the people in in smaller villages and towns are angry because the cities in their county is what's causing them to be territorial oh yes bromley where i'm from uh basically for a time it's like oh no we're london now we're basically london all the houses are london prices and then suddenly everybody's like no we're leaving london now during the pandemic like a weekend we're actually kent and now ken's gone into tier three everything no in london well people in rural pubs don't want people from highly infectious cities and that is that is essentially just returning to the old days isn't it because rural pubs have never been that welcoming haven't they whereby you just walk into it the big day to watch out for it's 16th of december it's when this will all be reassessed 16th of december it's when the tier results are you'll know because you'll open the papers and there'll be pictures of blonde girls jumping in the air holding their results we're at tier one boris has been teasing that the whole time hasn't he like oh tier three might become tier two it's a bit like a covered cabaret two three two two two three two two one it's not your destiny people on the 16th of december all tier three areas must nominate two young people who must then go to the isle of wight as as an offering one of the recommendations that they made in terms of behavior of christmas uh they've said if you are caroling everyone needs to face the same way when you're caroling right um as opposed to all those caroling gangs that like to meet up and then scream carols at each other as they approach each other from opposite ends of an alleyway you've assumed sensibly that you mean everyone stands in a row this way it could be that they all stand facing in one direction in a queue and they only infect each other oh yeah you're a hundred what if you answered the door to carolers and they were all standing in a line and they all kind of did that you know it went that way that way you're also you're not allowed to play board games board games are actually uh especially risk that's one you know yeah well imagine imagine cluedo would probably be an unfortunate one uh it was oh it was professor witty with the covet at the briefing i was looking forward to buying the new uh there's a new version of monopoly where you're only allowed to buy or operate anything if you went to school with boris johnson but the recommendation of board games this is what i don't understand they said please don't play board game there's lots of pieces you know that you can spread over between me like how are you playing scrabble you're not literally supposed to lick the letters to stick this no you're just supposed to put your hand in that sack of germs everybody everybody ready to play everybody ready everybody ready to have a good game i think it's when they start the game they're taking it too seriously and just spitting their hands for the hand changer yeah oh yeah people why did people do that math i think it's to seal the deal but why but i'm not as rough as i look tom i don't know angela would know at the end of that round the point's going to matthew and reece now we play a round called donald's dumped this game involves math and tom so if you could make your way to the performance area please this round is a stand-up challenge i launched a wheel of news and wherever it chooses stuff one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go our first topic please let's spin the wheel and the first interview is in yeah so uh i'm probably not the only person in lockdown that puts some weight on i think i put about two stone on so i'm trying to do something about it and i'm saying i've started doing some running and i bought myself some uh you know the running tights the leggings and i went for a run in my local park they were there an amount of women just stared at my crutch none come on i'm gonna cut a hole out tomorrow and make it worth it join me i went to i went to the gym this morning actually and then afterwards i had a protein shake although some people call it wank but i have i started i started looking after myself better i started cooking probably i started cooking with coconut oil well malibu same thing in it and i've also discovered you've got to be very very careful offering a fat person a kit-kat chunky because they can take that the wrong way doesn't matter how you say it do you want to kick cat chunky doesn't matter they just get upset because i spend my life on the road normally when we're doing this for a living you know you go out and i go to a lot of restaurants i went to a really rough restaurant the other day that's how rough it was ordered the lamb shank got stabbed by sheep how rough is that and the drinking as well the drinking lock down that was a lot i did a lot so i sort of stopped that now now only drink on special occasions like people's birthdays on facebook thank you very much thank you that leaves us with tom let's see what your topic is spin the wheel and it's leisure oh how did they get that photograph of me that is how i spend my leisure time uh leisure time i think is most stressful when you're a child i remember the only time you did anything you liked was basically uh when you went bowling i remember say it was someone's birthday like ryan's birthday you have to go around to ryan's house and ryan's mom ann would answer the door anne was having a very stressful time she'd say come in come into my house take your shoes off you spend most of your time as a child putting on your shoes and taking them back off again which was always very stressful for me because i didn't learn to tie my shoelaces until quite late and i remember my parents saying to me what are you gonna do when you grow up if you can't tie your shoelaces and i'd always say duh espadrilles still have to come out anyway ryan's dad will be taking you to the bowling now this was a time when it was completely fine to transport 15 children in one stranger's car there'll be three of you sellotaped in the front 10 of you in the back all in shell suits i mean if you went over a speed bump you could rub together you could catch fire and then there's a treat two of you would have to travel in the boot it's all right it's all right i've taken the parcel shelf off so you can breathe but remember if you see the police get down she's completely fine today to children and then you get to like the mega bowl you get out of the car you have to run up the stairs and then you have to take your shoes off again you have to take your shoes off again to go bowling i don't know why i bothered putting shoes on at all on this day right and you all know you have to take your shoes off to put on the special grandma shoes that you have to wear to the bowling because the bowling has got the precious wooden floor you cannot tread on the wooden floor with outdoor shoes you cannot do it it's a special magical wooden floor and then it would dawn on you had no idea how to bowl because you were nine years old and you weren't roseanne barr's husband and so are you trying to prove something so you pick up a ball it was far too heavy for you then you drag it drag it drag it to the end of the lane lob it into the middle of the lane it would immediately go into the gutter at the side and that would be the end of your experience of bowling and i remember thinking even then why is this floor so precious we cannot wear outdoor shoes on it but it's completely fine to take a 15 kilogram marble and smash it into the middle of it thank you very much our next time is called picture of the week i show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening so what's going on here is she getting ready to record her version of yes sir i can boogie this is the source of the leak that a scotch egg counts as a substantial hit is this nicholas sturgeon retraining in cyber looks like she's going oh sue this guy's now changed his relationship status to it's complicated what the [ __ ] is that about is she watching her favorite film e.t and trying to touch his finger she going snp complaints line no i'm afraid nicola sturgeon isn't around at the moment is she pointing at it and going oh that's where my picture comes up oh great is she just googling how often can something happen and still be considered once in a generation she's reading an article she says oh it says here sturgeon eggs are worth a fortune they will wear tartan in any color won't they the color of porridge how dare you i'm not saying hello i'm just gauging voter intentions on scottish independence i'm putting you down as a yes don't argue bye the correct answer is um that that is nicholas sturgeon that's all we needed thank you very much thank you thank you very much [Applause] yes of course it is scottish first minister nicholas sturgeon who addressed the smp's annual conference this week what was her message to the smp independence is is a matter of time it is it's imminent amongst any moment she's just waited till now till england are busy boris won't even know that she said this and that they're going to have another referendum it's basically like wait until your parents are having an argument to ask if you can use the car it's fair enough though isn't it because they didn't scots didn't vote for brexit and they didn't vote conservatives it's nice to give them a chance of having one thing that they have voted for stop stop letting the public decide stuff have we not learned stop letting the public decide that if there was a referendum tomorrow called pub or nan guinness would sell out in 30 seconds what i'm saying is we need a referendum yes uh it was supposed to be a once-in-a-generation thing when was the last one four years ago it wasn't for you it was 2014. it was six years ago now um which which sounds not that much but like last march was eight years ago uh so it is yeah i'm all for it my two new year's resolutions will get scocks it done and coin a new political word is there a sense there that we might all then start like dividing off and if scotland goes separate and then all the different tier areas of england could start dividing up i mean kent is suddenly its own area now cornwall is its own area we could all end up suddenly i'm going to be living in the people's republic of orpington [Laughter] you could be king oh then i love it me actually i love this i love this but we're going to be queuing everywhere as well aren't we in kent the cues on the m2 oh blue water we just love it they're really really worried about the lorry drivers and presumably they'll be bored with you know things in scotland as well is dogging they're really worried about that i'm thinking well i think it's just good to have spectator sport back oh i'd imagine if you had to put fake crowd noise on the dog what is the authenticity in that interview with the uh commentator i have to apologize for bad language halfway through i mean imagine the var or dogging just seeing if it was in or out did nicolas surgeon maybe think to herself let's let's really start the drive for independence again now because surely by now the people on mock the week will have run out of jokes about scottish independence and should be absolutely right yeah well some of us weren't on it six years ago so let me take it away uh meanwhile what's going on here he looks like he's in the most high-tech toilet on the planet yeah yeah there's a toilet roll you see upgrading matt hancock software is this the episode of repair shop where someone is brought in the economy is this how he's trying to get money for the furlough scheme just looking down the back of stuff is this he's saying uh my other cash machine is my wife mm-hmm [Music] is he saying okay look it was a bit racist of you to assume i'm the i.t guy but weirdly i don't know how to fix is he doing washing machines really do live longer with calgar you just uh he's just trying to one-upmanship with david cameron and having a hard drive entered robot wars oh no that was canceled wasn't it that was our border red has he entered blockbusters oh no that was uh all right all right go let it go turn back time go back down that went yeah family brain games that one one season darren ed's driving adventure that wasn't my fault i'll take a partner leprechaun boys yes it is chancellor rishi sunak who this week delivered a spending review setting out what the government will spend next year what is the bad news for the uk's finances it's gonna be the worst recession since 1709 yes which jacob rees-mogg personally remembers yeah i'm sorry whoa whoa whoa i'm sorry and we're trying to have a conversation here look what the zoom crowd is doing what the hell are you all up to here the this is beauty i mean really really admire the man in the corner who refused to take part and who could see the wave approaching him for ten different roles that went no i feel sorry for everyone who watched last week and then spent loads of money getting a weapon thinking you were asking for that again he entered that round before he's going to air charming rio now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area i'll read at this week's topic and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject tonight is unlikely lines from a tv detective show no it's not a murder you just died you're going away for a long long time you've clearly used up all of your annual holiday have a great trip yeah no it does sound like a lovely trip to austin towers i just sort of meant call me if you remember anything about the case why does the chalk outline have three legs oh that's not a leg impossible detective it couldn't have been me on the night of the 22nd i was at home cleaning my murder weapons is tango charlie okay my mistake i'll get you a pepsi charlie and was there any id on the murder victim great oh today's date it's their birthday get their arms one two three okay i'm gonna go in there and do the interrogation as normal then you come in ask me which motorway i took to get here sneeze very loudly and then tell me things were done differently in your day classic good cop dad cop i'm from the swap team i've had enough turn over your badge i've always been curious to know what the back of those badges look like whoa whoa whoa can you just well can you speak in norwegian it makes it more gritty and then people don't realize the acting's actually [ __ ] yeah there's uh semen on the bed sheets there's blood on the walls maybe we should move hotel rooms anything you say can and will be held against you at any time what do you mean why because i'm your wife um fortunately the murderer's latest victim was a teenage girl it's believed her last words were ugh can you not okay so we've got hair samples we've got scrapings from underneath the fingernail we've got a bite mark and that's why i'm sending this pizza back i've got an artist's impression for you boss the next topic is unlikely lines from a romantic novel she collapsed slowly in his arms he sighed and reached for the puncture repair kit [Music] oh pretty he said bully me like one of your civil servants let's make love she said but not here upstairs and with that they climb to the top deck of the night bus she turned to her husband and said let's try role play tonight he said sure what do you want to do he said i want you to pretend you're the prime minister oh you're into power no i want to get me pregnant and [ __ ] off i'm wearing edible underwear she teased he ripped off her skirt um yeah i think generally that's supposed to be candy it's just i'm not really in a spag bowl move next time he said licking cream out of her belly button i'll remember to put the lid on the blender as he climbed on top of her melania thought to herself remember he'll be dead soon she smiled at him across the mattress aren't we lucky she said to have found a skip with one of these in it it was just like a scene from romeo and juliet except i didn't take the poison and now i want it for murder two thousand a year mr darcy why that's an awful lot of women she took him by the hand and led him up to the bedroom he couldn't believe it she was about to make his deepest fantasy come true he was gonna get to have sex go leave me i cannot stand another minute in your presence i could never love a man who thinks it's funny to super glue a woman's hand or forehead anastasia walked towards the wall of chains hooks and rope a huge hulk of a man stepped in front of her and said hi i'm jeff welcome to being queue she said to her will you make me the happiest man in the world and introduce me to your fit sister she knew she was being wooed and now she told him to piss off she was being very wooed indeed [Laughter] as he climbed under the covers he couldn't believe what he saw a beautiful woman with long blonde hair big green eyes and a perfect body tattooed on the arm of a plasterer called dinah i came as soon as i got your message richard was dreadful at sexting he got down on one knee will you marry me he asked she flushed oh you should ask my father first um i don't fancy him he kissed her tenderly she looked in his eyes and said do that thing you know i like and he went downstairs and restacked the dishwasher properly yeah the boy's gonna add tommy and that's the end of the show this week's winners are rio lina tom allen and ed byrne commiseration to reese james hughes and matt brown [Applause] i'm daryl green thank you for watching good night [Music] she's black she's gay and she's on her way navigating hollywood behind the glamour meet hattie and friends in bbc three's comedy twenties uplifting young people with real conversation young blood's podcasts no shame no judgment download bbc sounds now [Applause]

Channel: Ovid

Views: 394,908

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Id: _Lifb2NtYhY

Length: 30min 30sec (1830 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 03 2020