Scenes We'd Like To See Series 6

now we come to our final quickfire round called scenes we'd like to see this is for everyone so if you can make your way over to the performance area please I'll call our ideas force knives we'd love to see you know this and the performers come in with their suggestions okay here we go the first subject is bad things for a by-election candidate to say I would like to catch your baby but we don't want to go down that road again I am the perfect candidate this is an election and I and by vote for me Doris mcGarvie I'd like to say no relation but I'm not going to lie to you power gives me wood I've been knocking on doors in this constituency for weeks and it's completely unconnected to the recent stranglings knife crime must end just last week I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish if elected living standards will go up for me and my wife I would say the fact that the Labour Party haven't put forward a candidate has not devalued this election at all asked my fellow opponents timmy mallett elvis and the honey monster i promise to bring crime in this constituency down by patrolling the streets at night dressed as a man leopard I have impeccable green credentials because I've never used deodorant or had a bath I know nothing about politics but I can crush our right pair between my buttocks okay the next topic is unnerving things to hear during a medical examination yes I'll be operating oh there you are dawn dawn come here you've gone look at this that's your smear test done and I do have some bad news I'm the janitor yes well it's definitely stuck up there we may we may have to use the ferret so if you'd like to just pop your clothes over there next to mine you'll live for about a week well there's good news and bad news but don't worry I can give the good news to your Weddell don't worry panic over it was just a spider on the microscope and how does it feel if I touch you here and here and there these jugs don't actually work but every time I prescribe I get a free pen no no no no no no you can't have your old hip back mrs. Smith I fed it to my dog this is one of the healthiest x-rays I've ever seen but if we compare that with yours right I thought for a change I could cough and you could hold my balls you have the body of someone half your age could a wing inside your women well there's good news you've had a baby the bad news it's blown your [ __ ] off okay let's leave the garbageman first subject is things you're unlikely to hear on a quiz show here is your starter for ten spring roll sesame toast and chili balls report oh and welcome to ask the family mr. Fritzl where's the rest of them hello we're Ant & Dec and welcome to double our money you double your money I'm Anne Robinson and if my Botox wears off my face will turn into a scrotum look at what you could have won if you went to school name Ted Smith occupation carpenter and your chosen specialized subject the life and work of the carpenter Ted Smith for a million pounds complete this well-known phrase though ah lock Val Val Val Val Val is the answer I'm Richard Whiteley did it did it did it did it do welcome to inflation-adjusted who wants to be a Zimbabwe millionaire it's the banker he says he's got your kids and your question is on celebrities what jocular Irish host of the popular show Mock the Week is known by his friends as dubby for his uncanny resemblance to the house-elf in Harry Potter the next topic is things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party ignore the banging she's been in there for 24 years help yourself to nibbles he was our favorite hamster but it's what he would have done are you sure this is pork beef just as mike crackling has a tattoo don't worry we don't say grace we just sacrifice a child to the Great God in hotep doorbell excellent that we had her meals and James Blunt Oh peas boys guitar I hope nobody's allergic to nuts because I like to rest mine on the table well this is absolutely lovely I say we all raise a glass ten have you arrived only one will leave anyway long story short after about two hours you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate but there's a vegetarian option you can [ __ ] off okay the end of that ran for go to Russell and Andy lines you live here in a superhero movie to the bat caravan I'm a superhero now Russell you've drawn an S on your forehead and you sprinkle glitter on your penis no they call me Catwoman because I can like my own arse hey Louis just before we fly off I want to check none of your liquids are over 100 milliliters you're trapped spider-man trapped in this enormous bath no r.kelly you can't join the Fantastic Four it's not enough to believe you can fly Biff BAM Kapow not it hold slashed is it a bird is it a plane whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center what do you mean the swastik is already taken about my cape made now and everything so tell me why do they call you flash yeah I may not seem as dangerous as other super villains but soon I dr. sheep will rule the world bang what's that Joker you'll be back somehow I don't think you will be okay the next topic is unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive dear dear tree I'm leaving you I want to trace my father could you suggest a good marker pen I have recently discovered the pleasures of butter insects I smear it on the doorknob to stop the kids coming in my voice is breaking and there is hair on my chest is this normal your Sally Jenkins age 9 dear betch I have trouble making friends what are you going to do about it dear dear tree can that giant man lift me up like a baby I have been saving up for a sex change I don't care what my wife says she is going to have it dear aunty my testicles are the size of space hoppers I don't need any advice I just wanted to tell someone you know my husband and I are a teacher and he has recently had lost interest in sex thank God my wife says that I'm a compulsive liar I think she's jealous that my reg a duet with REO failed in and has reached number one I know where you live my problem is that I can only ejaculate when I heat a buzzer I gave that man point you to funky hero commercials I've never made it to air masturbation are you getting your fiber day worried about bankruptcy then why not paddle your canoe into the middle of the ocean wait all zone brand shampoo because you're worthless if you hit me at 40 miles an hour there's an 80% chance I'll die if you hit me at 30 miles an hour there's an 80% chance I'll live stop trying to hit me poor and too lazy to cook that's why mums shop at Iceland this isn't just a [ __ ] mask this is an S&M [ __ ] as your knickers feel uncomfortable on try Bacardi Breezer you find flying boring fly quanis you might die The Daily Mail racist in public so you don't have to be I'm found Breton and this machine took two stone off me it's a beacon slicer I'm John McCain why not buy my Fitness video are you thinking of drinking and driving remember the m20 is surprisingly quiet on a Saturday night we've lost your bags we've lost your bags dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee from Gillette comes the new sensor uber uber uber XL for that closest ever shave in fact this one slices your face like a potato peeler it's too close get the previous Gillette sensor it turns out we couldn't get closer than that one 31 million names on three great disks Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs now that's what I call a monumental cock-up Volume one max mosey doesn't do not see themed orgies but if he did they'd probably be the best next up again bad things you hear on opening the door in the middle of the night oh I'm Garo Breen I'd like to talk to you about macht a week I'm back from my canoe trip I saw a peeping tom in your garden but I won them this is my patch I'll come to fix your washing machine you asked for a call-out between 12 and 5 hello I'm afraid my cocky stuck in your letterbox Kamui hello I'm Max Mosley and have been a very naughty boy I'm afraid your husband's been martyred could I borrow a shovel hello I'm Gordon Brown just hold me okay then that ran boys got a rustle marker got things to say at a job interview what can I bring to the job a bonding hatred of the West a hook for a hand and a pilot's license the the five-year employment gap yeah I was canoeing I hope we can all be professional about the fact that I've just split up with all three of you I'm really only here because I'm hoping to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder yes I've had a few changes of address one would scrubs Broadmoor but for the last three months I've lived in your air-conditioning um I'm really into diversity in my last team I made sure that we had a black of fruit and a fatty I I have always wanted to work in a motel I'm telling the mother I'm telling this this job would be a great opportunity for me to steal a shitload of stationery hey Oliver you from the dungeon hey dude it's me gimpy Terry I'm gimpy cherries make some myself up in three words ha ha I suppose it would have to be killer alien vagina would you lean them under qualified to be a plumber on five hours like I've got a piece in your sink when can I start yesterday but I can only work till today nine till five nine till five my medication wears off at 3:00 the next topic is things you wouldn't hear on songs of praise hello Canterbury let's make some [ __ ] noise well the locals here on the Shetland Isles have given us a tremendous welcome today we have our act of worship and tomorrow they're burning me in a wicker man they call him geo D and he the Big Daddy he looked like me but him more beardy hello I'm sister Margaret and I'm an alcoholic the parishioners will now go forward to receive communion if they can get past Atlas and predator Christians in one corner Muslims in the other let's get ready to rumble well the goat is strapped to the altar so let's begin that was beautiful such a shame is no one actually up there to have heard it and we appear to have a streaker know one of the altar boys has escaped from the vestry if you're enjoying this why not turn over to BBC three where you can enjoy songs of praise uncut wellnow choir of the week they're not the Von Trapp family but they were the Trapp family is the Fritzl from a niche feeding is from suppose first letter to general fax it better Frankie you Hindi wouldn't hear Olympics the athletes will now go forward to receive their medals and complimentary prawn crackers and there is the Chinese coxless four it's a harsh punishment but that's what happens you can lose it and look there's paula radcliffe in a clown outfit holding a sparkler we come find a matt'll anthem to Togo we're gonna have to use the Benny Hill theme tune and that is a personal best the first time I've managed to crack one off to the weightlifting oh my god things are really exciting here at the sailing and there goes the Bell someone has stolen the Bell now over to the Paralympics with Glenn Hoddle she's passed one she's passed two paula radcliffe is very Ellen deeds he meddled in Sydney he meddled in Athens and he's gonna meddle here unless someone catches him and coming up your chance to watch teenagers in leotards without feeling bad assure you just hope a little s Sethi as the javelin has got stuck in the sky the leading British swimmer has had to pull out of the 400 meters freestyle because he couldn't find a pound for the locker well we should have done better in the shooting and this young team from South Manchester know it and anyone who thinks that this opening ceremony is amazing has never been to Blackpool on ecstasy okay MetroCard again lines you wouldn't hear in a war firm we've managed to crack the Germans code turns out they were sending messages in German why are we speaking English I'm afraid we can't afford goggles so what we're gonna have to do we're all gonna have to go like this terribly sorry sergeant it's just that when you said let's all band together and take Jerry from behind okay chaps here's the strategy for escaping from the prisoner of war camp we sit it out till the end of the war I can't feel my legs that's because your arms have been blown off I'm saving private ryan' money on his car insurance anyone else embarrassed that we've all turned up in the same outfit there's only one way to sell this war for the medium of Dobbs don't worry tell me on I'll make sure she gets it it's chlamydia isn't it you've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill professor Hawking John Leslie Phil Neville the wu-tang clan uh sure the Sugar Puffs monster and Daniel day-lewis welcome to operation mind [ __ ] ya boy gonna Frankie he'll question zone abducted from this year's exams if the answer is 9 what is the question when you finish this exam please return your paper over and market using Darwin's theory of evolution explain Boris Johnson Vladimir has 10,000 tanks and you have three why would you start a war by the year 2015 the population of the earth will have increased by 20% how do we find kerry Katona and stop her complete the following sequence sixteen thirty five twenty four eight nine now open a safe grab the stuff and getting to getaway car when object is traveling at seven hundred and fifty miles an hour encounters resistance and slows to zero for how many months will Richard Hammond have to wear nappies on the diagram below show on the body where you like to be touched describe Uranus without telling your parents amy is 16 at least she said she was just trouble are you in complete this crop rotation wheat fallow rock festival BNP rally if everybody in class a is called Tom Thomas or Tommy and every second boy in Class B is called Tim Timothy Oh Timmy what the [ __ ] is going on okay the next carving is lines you wouldn't hear in a costume drama Henry Tudor but why did he chew her the Zulus have us surrounded sir they're standing on the horizon waving their spears wait a minute those aren't Spears mr. Darcy I do believe you've poked me on facebook so King Henry I'm your fifth wife hang on divorced beheaded died divorced but oh [ __ ] and for the latest news from the big house tune in to Pride and Prejudice extra starting now on p3 next prayed and extreme prejudice ha ha ha when Elizabeth is surprised to hear master Darcy's views on queers and Jews do you think wearing this bus'll makes my ass look big let me read the signal from the victory are you paying too much for your college I worked for the Duke of Wellington when he invented the wellington boots and the Earl of Sandwich when he invented the sandwich but I suppose my happiest time was working for Lord strap on my leash your desire to marry again will split the church does it have to be a gay Nigerian ah the Juke my daughter has been itching to meet you chlamydia the point at the end of that round go to Frankie here and Lizzy greetings cards congratulations June 18 on a list of 20 people I'm going to kill my heart goes out and sympathy I know your life is torn I can't believe your dear sweet mum what are you watching all that porn congratulations on conquering your drug and alcohol dependency we're having a party to celebrate but you can't come I know you're green I've done my bit this card is made of recycled [ __ ] get well soon PS I know it's terminal but they didn't have a card for that roses are red violets are blue I'm locked up in Broadmoor and thinking of you thinking of you at this difficult time has given me an erection you're moving we've repossessed your house congratulations on passing your test you have HIV okay the next topic is things you didn't hear at the Olympics I am the little girl from the opening ceremony this is my real voice what gymnast is so supple if my wife could do that we'd still be together next the rhythmic gymnastics you may want to start beating out your own rhythm at home that English track team is awesome and it's gold for Ireland well that'll be low marks of synchronicity but high marks for execution clean shots of a head backwards off the board pool full of blood magnificent next over to Gabby Logan who's going to tell us whether or not she's a transvestite and ah go go get Mike okay ah and there's [ __ ] I'm not letting you off for the last Ireland joke you're not getting on again you're not doing another one for the rest of the show all right yeah he's just been oh let's look at the clock it's more interesting than the show jumping the one thing we're all thinking Jew the Olympics doesn't Clare Balding look like Eddie Izzard nobody can touch this Russian gymnast except the couch and their uncle and he comes through there well what a morning we've got medals in the jingling jingling tittle I and Poe Cheney's athlete with number 36 on his chest that means he's a chicken chow mein and and the French have four faults their language their food underarm hair and the fact that they are French I surprised in the canoeing where the British athlete has gone Messing it was off I heard the buzzer then I realized even one thing I hadn't heard at the Olympics who I was [ __ ] it Frankie here in gray is lines you wouldn't hear in a sci-fi film we've discovered an alien queen and she's laid enough eggs to take over the galaxy this writing it says Katonah i am c-3po this is my cousin wd-40 all right Chewie you look different after that back sack-and-crack waxing a b-1 Kenobi it's my brother Oh be careful my sister Oh behave my god be a sport use the Force Luke I've run out of lubricant yeah yeah that's that's right we aliens have learned your language by listening to your radio broadcasts the androids are going berserk captain let's try switching them off and then on again stardate twenty one seventy one point six Captain's Log still won't flush I'll try again later hey Dawg you look like a big black dildo captain I've been repeatedly firing this laser about alien but all I've managed to do is improve its eyesight and give it a Brazilian it's not easy being a Vulcan captain due to my death grip I can't masturbate at that hairball in there for years you're loving juice I need to break into the Death Star's computer system who knows Darth Maul's mother's maiden name captain the ethereal sounds been made by this beautiful dying creature from another world if some funky [ __ ] okay jumping is things you wouldn't hear on the radio in that episode of the Hugh Dennis story Hugh Dennis was played by Bruce Willis Steve punt was played by Hugh Dennis and the band wisher Waddy Waddy are you you touch my turnips and I'll [ __ ] you up did it did it and now for a travel update there is an accident on the m1 it's a good one so hurry up everything next a book at bedtime Martin Jarvis reads the speeches of Hitler in a high-pitched girl's voice good afternoon this is Radio 4 and I have a regional accent next on radio for the doggin forecast here on traffic watch for predicting long delays on the m4 but I'm about to hit my ex-wife's car with this helicopter and now it's the panel show where our panel try to stave off premature ejaculation yes it's just a minute good morning this is breakfast with Tony Blackburn i'ma let you on the radio broken into your kitchen do you want toast next more lesbian propaganda with woman's hour well you've certainly stumped the gardener's question same panel none of us know how to bring a Fox to orgasm you're listening to heart fm the same five songs all day long sexy and welcome to the break for sure he's up his six - here my wife's leaving me and I didn't get up his sexy em and he was a [ __ ] minor okay I'm gonna Frankie here in mica first topic is unlikely small ads did you see a hit and run in the Cromwell Road and Tuesday night please get in touch because I'm keen to silence any witnesses parents worried about unruly teenagers ruining your house you need my book my house my rules by Josef Fritzl please get in touch our eyes met yesterday you were the blond undressing in the bedroom I was the man lurking in your garden legs bums and tums wanted by cannibal slightly use condoms for sale no weirdos are you an alcoholic there's a seal on it I'd bends house prices falling debts rising feel like you can't quite cope pull yourself together gardening done think I'll put me feet up now are you looking for a plumber who'll do a good job at a reasonable price you've got no chance anger management CDs for sale don't ring before noon are you struggling to get out of the bath it's pretty much game over for you then the next public is unlikely things to hear on question time allow me to answer your question with the question why don't you [ __ ] off I'm going to take a question from a black man without mentioning that he's black the man in the red jumper please do I believe the economy's in recession well I believe it was Churchill who said oh yeah David Dimbleby you haven't answered a question all night you are the weakest link goodbye a good question there is the BBC dumbing down what do you think Barry chuckle yes my question is for Delilah why why why welcome to question time coming to you this week live from spirit reiner question time tonight we're in Norwich let's say hello to the audience look men from magic picture box who's Vicki speaking is the wrong answer jars clock take off an item of clothing ah so good question Gordon Brown why don't you shove your tax increases up your ass if your dog isn't here mr. blanket who's sniffing my balls I I have a question for Boris Johnson do you know where you are is Britain becoming more misogynist let's ask this [ __ ] it is things you wouldn't hear in a travel documentary this man lives under a sheet of tarpaulin and has to walk for three hours every morning just to get a drink of muddy water nonetheless he is happy to be mayor of Dundee this week I shall be traveling to the Middle East to Africa to Asia but if I still can't find my luggage I'll return to Terminal five it's amazing to think that I'm the first weight fish these people have ever seen and the last the squawk of parrots parakeets and tucán has kept me awake all bloody night I'm surviving here on nuts and berries that's the trouble with a documentary funded by channel 5 on our 3rd day of filming an incredible discovery hippos are just men in costumes so I said Jimmy coming the Gobi Desert looking for water unfortunately I have found this wadi what wrong we're not walking this week we're looking at holidays in Gatwick cuz apparently you need a passport to go to Honolulu prostitution is rife on the streets of Bangkok so it really pays to shop around for a bargain don't make the mistake I made nudists aren't welcome on every beach or at the local skills I'm outside the Taj Mahal in my opinion the most beautiful the most striking the most awe-inspiring curry house on the edge where can you see the Lions and the Tigers and the crocodiles yes good I cannot because I am here in Peckham after an arduous three-day bus journey we finally reached the place Ryanair said we were flying to the next topic is unlikely lines from a TV detective show I cut myself on a glass in your bar I throw that away if I were you because I'm katulski the hiv-positive detective it was simple I just googled whodunit fingerprints I like his music but that's a bit much Miss Marple we've got no evidence no forensic stuff nothing we don't know what's going on don't worry just pin it on the black guy so all the suspects are linked Thomas knows Mallinson Melanson knows the victim and they all live in the flat but what do I know I'm only the window cleaner so what can we tell from these bait marks on the breasts we can tell that I shouldn't be left alone with a body to be honest Watson I couldn't care I'm coked off my tips if you think it is Murder on the Orient Express you should try the shuttle between Glasgow and Edinburgh where is inspector frost gun I saw him only a moment ago leaning on the hatch of that wine bar counter over there sure so they [ __ ] going down in the high-rise that's what to get up a crack and blow but I ain't going to answer no more of your questions miss marple michael jackson we've been questioning you for tears and this is your defense you blame it on the boogie well he's got the profile of a killer see Frankie here oh sorry yeah little bit of furniture good no no no wasn't what the mic is fine it was the fact that you had a big discussion about how good your mic with their big boys I did it really well did it did well listen I'm saying we shouldn't claim the mic moving work come look at your fat ass over in Planet yourself there have been no points for me in that trash so after that disappointing start from Andy Parsons let's see if Russell can turn it around okay the next couple years unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive dear dear jury I'm leaving you I want to trace my father could you suggest a good marker pen I have recently discovered the pleasures of butter insects I smear it on the doorknob to stop the kids coming in my voice is breaking and there is hair on my chest is this normal your sally jenkins age 9 dear [ __ ] I have trouble making friends what are you going to do about it dear dear tree can that giant man lift me up like a baby I have been saving up for a sex change I don't care what my wife says she is going to have it dear aunty my testicles are the size of space hoppers I don't need any advice I just wanted to tell someone you know my husband and I are 82 and he has recently lost interest in sex thank God my wife says that I'm a compulsive liar I think she's jealous that my reg a duet with real failed Anand has reached number one I know where you live my problem is that I can only ejaculate when I hear a buzzer the next topic is things you don't want to hear at Christmas I thought we'd have a vegetarian dinner it's exactly what I wanted Princess Diana Ski electrics ding dong merrily Oh No now you know that I told you that dad died in his canoe I'm sorry there was no chimney so I came through the central heating system I think I buggered your boiler she's not my granny and she's not your granny whose granny is she this year I have decided to give my Christmas broadcast completely naked mommy look what we found in these stockings daddy did you know that we took all the money we spent on presents every year and gave it to the homeless they probably spend it on booze oh yes this year we're pushing the boat out we are having a duck in a goose in the turkey in the dog in a horse in an old lady we've got a problem mum doesn't know where the [ __ ] vixens three is a play a TV show or a Phil you know there are so many unwanted dogs about at Christmas this year we thought why bother with the turkey bad news for children father Christmas has gone into administration ah who wants stuffing granny

Channel: Speakersoxx

Views: 3,124,079

Keywords: Scenes, We'd, Like, To, See

Id: Q-x0OgCGBJQ

Length: 53min 15sec (3195 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 21 2012