Mock the Week: Andy Parsons Scenes We'd Like To See

[Music] [Music] now we come to our final round one called scenes we'd like to see this is for everyone so if you can make your way over to the performance area please I call it ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performance come in with their suggestions right here we go the first subject is on setting things - here in the White House welcome president Schwarzenegger okay our next topic is discarded titles for the next Harry Potter book Harry Potter and the mudblood print in a Nazi uniform Harry Potter and the two other kids who can't act okay let's go to the next topic at things you shouldn't say to the Queen on being given your honor could you sign this for me I'll make much more on eBay ting the Wimbledon commentator would never say 40:37 go TV shows that never made it to air you've been shot okay next up again unlikely line for the Queen to include in our annual message so they will use tulle bands in the bar the wrong thing to say on your first day in the army you guys look great you play your cards right you might be able to stand outside one of grandmas palaces very much tougher gig composers for spend here possibly bad thing for the England manager to be caught saying well the thing about crack is that he's got a very light the very worst person to be present of the US on Barry Scott and this is Philip banks this round is much easier if you can do impressions unlikely things to hear at the Oscars thank you this will be on eBay tomorrow morning unlikely things for a Winter Olympic commentator to say and it is fallen over I love it when they do that sweet what you don't want to hear a prime minister say so there were these two Muslims walked into a bar bad Valentine character a--they I want to bulk you senseless tonight lots of love your cell mate I can't wait to feel your flesh next to mine again love mum I love you please send this letter on to ten other people exam questions that were rejected a lot of people say that the exams are too easy is the answer a yes for be David Beckham even kids spend too much time with their PlayStation answer cross triangle circle say it laughs work no don't shoot me it's Yoko you want sure he's only got lipstick Vaseline and jam Oh trouble can he cause reject his first line for the new Harry Potter book I have earned more money than the Queen I can't be are unhelpful things to say in a crisis I think this 14th century text adequately sums up what I want to say in advice things to say in court how could she have seen more fight always wearing a balaclava think the sports commentator would never say hey off we're off Beryl and I should probably keep my voice down because this is snooker commercial that never made it to air leaks for that cheap teenage smell of desperation L'Oreal take two bottles into the shower yes I'm an alcoholic that's honest I next topic is inappropriate act for the Royal Variety Performance please adjust when the marching band of the Mujahideen George Michael motorcycling this line that you'd never hear in a bond term here's your new car bond a Ford Focus I need strength there's an evil tyrant at the top of a mountain surrounded totally by armed guards you know I don't thank you it bad thing to say when leading troops into battle hello I'm George Bush unlikely things to hear on blue peter and welcome back John the Leslie things you wouldn't hear on a driving test when there's nobody else on the motorway you should always Drive in the middle lane just in case you fall asleep you've got a bit longer what the Queen didn't say in our Christmas message as usual after this we'll be watching The Great Escape and as usual we'll be supportive the German unlikely lines to find in the Bible he's not the Messiah he's a very noisy and Mary said God had given her a child so Joseph went enjoying father's for just me bad things for a teacher to say fight fight fight I'm a gunrunner robber and murderer but the home office think I'm clean rejected line from movie Christopher Dean's unnai outside now tell Jane to get back inside and people running my shop what Rambo you want to wait for a UN resolution unlikely egg upcoming nature documentary you see this little fella here I'm stood here in the jungle in my bathrobe because my luggage is still let you flow but here we have two insects shagging away and yes the lines of the Impala and the lines Guardian power jacking my son call Anil what a TV chef would never say and here what you want to do is punish me to the Brian mixture in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of my invisible in the socket jack I think you just need two things to make this dish what you need is a takeaway menu and a phone [Laughter] not going to be worth the Taoism what stuff again bad thing to say at the opening of the new Wembley Stadium welcome to the 2008 Cup final so if you can all make your way to the coaches we're on our way to Cardiff and maybe one day with the right bunch of hooligans from Scotland these goalposts can get trashed all over again unlikely things to hear on comic relief and we just like to thank the donation of 160,000 turkeys for mr. P Matthews the worst thing your new neighbour could say I hope my turkeys won't be keeping you awake what a newsreader would never say the worst thing to hear over at a 950 if anybody has found a rich inhaler [Applause] bard Rafer Gordon Brown to address the nation you can take our lives but you'll never get your freedom you might like so many more but you'll hate my wife less unlike lines to hear in a science program okay we're going to be making a bomb using chapati flour and hydrogen peroxide hello my name's Jade Goody questions on the road from the British citizenship test is there any chance you could represent us in the 2012 Olympics which case you read the worst thing to hear on holiday how this is your captain speaking unlikely line we're here in a TV show hello and welcome to India with Sanjeev Bhaskar and me Jade Goody we're going to see on a road sign accident on opposite carriageway quick look you're entering Scotland no salad for 200 miles river ahead which your Satna thinks is a road giant exclamation mark ahead unlikely things you hear in the house of Lord I used to be a lord but after the operation I milady hello I'm Lord ocean finance bad things are here on an airplane hold on I've just ended is in the Red Bull challenge the word persons we married to you're gonna go out tonight it's Hitler's birthday things and athletics Carmelita would never say and I've got to say it's a surprise yes the winner of the marathon are four blokes tied together dressed as spider-man this Shapira women running the urine sample appears to have melted the beaker that's not a good shine the worst thing to say when running for US president yes I smoke marijuana and I am held just now [Laughter] unlikely smaller found DVD of lost worried about hair not you bald bastard [Applause] excerpt some DVDs I wouldn't sell welcome to Antiques Roadshow too hot for TV what a news reporter would never say all right I'm actually in this my bedroom but I'm trying to make it look like I'm in Baghdad on a satellite phone [Laughter] unlikely letters to be read out on point of view in every BC when are you going to show nuts on the road we remove [Music] unlike a ding for a royal correspondent today and queen there majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings from [Applause] here we see Prince Phillip going over to talk to a man from China this should be interesting what a rugby commentator would never say and it's the coin toss and Jonny Wilkinson has sprained his thumb till it's bang chill it back Kia Ora bad thing for a bi-election candid to say i would say the fact that the Labour Party haven't put forward a candidate has not be valued this election at all asked my fellow opponents timmy mallett elvis and the honey monster unnerving things to hear during a medical examination don't worry panic over it was just a spider on the microscope thing you're unlikely to hear on the quiz show hello we're ant and Dec and welcome to double our money double your money ah lock Val Val Val Val Val is the answer thinking that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party ignore the banging she's been in there for 24 years line you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie hey Lois just before we fly off I want to check none of your liquids are over 100 millilitres this BAM Kapow nothing so tell me why do they call you flash yeah I may not seem as dangerous as other super villains but soon I a doctor sheep will rule the world bang what's that Joker you'll be back somehow I don't think you will be ok the next up again commercials that never made it to air worried about bankruptcy then why not paddle your canoe into the middle of the ocean bad things to hear on opening the door in the middle of the night hello and Max Mosley and have been a very naughty boy bad thing to say at a job interview I'm really only here because I'm hoping to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder hey I remember you from the dungeon hey Dylan it's me gimpy Terry [Applause] I'm gimpy cherries nice things you wouldn't hear on songs of praise if you're enjoying this why not turn over to BBC 3 where you can enjoy songs of praise uncut things you wouldn't hear at the Olympics there's Paula Radcliffe in a clown outfit holding a sparkler line you wouldn't hear in a war firm I'm afraid we can't afford goggles so what we're going to have to do we're all going to have to go like this questions that were rejected from this year's exam if the answer is 9 what is the question blind you wouldn't hear in a costume drama do you think wearing this bustle makes my ass look big unlikely greeting card get well soon PS I know it's terminal but they didn't have a card for that thing you didn't hear at the Olympic and it's gold for Ireland [Applause] hany go get my goat and this clock no no I'm not letting you off the laughs Arvind joking okay not again you're not doing another one for the rest of the show right and it was also a posture that I realized give it one thing I hadn't heard it the Olympics what where's [ __ ] it things you wouldn't hear on the radio and now for a travel update there is an accident on the m1 it's a good one so hurry up you're listening to heart FM the same five songs all day long unlikely smaller parents worried about unruly teenagers ruining your house you need my book my house my rules by Josef Fritzl unlikely things to hear on question time is the wrong answer Charles Clark take off an item of clothing things you wouldn't hear in a travel documentary this week I shall be traveling to the Middle East to Africa to Asia but if I still can't find my luggage our returns at terminal 5 I'm surviving here on nuts and berries that's the trouble with a documentary funded by channel 5 unlikely lying from a TV detective show where is inspector frost Khan I saw him only a moment ago leaning on the hatch of that wine bar counter over there things you wouldn't hear for a weather forecaster the humidity is rising the barometers going low tonight for the first time just about half past 10 it's going to start raining men the likud line from Star Trek now which one of you put your red top in the washing with all the yellow one unlikely things to hear on a survival show Here I am in the jungle the mighty jungle - I win my way I win no Alan unlikely things to read on a packet says for you greedy bastard now put some of that back copper soup just add soup deleted lines from a faculty film welcome to Mordor twinned with Swansea Kings you don't want to hear from your flatmates no we can't share the electricity bill I've got a phone charger in a laptop and you're on a life-support machine unlikely things to hear on the consumer program I won't be on this show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings King the sport commentator would never say oh yes and that's a beautiful uppercut and another one but hey the DJ is still not going to change the track unlikely line from a trailer ah put eagle or bond here I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous Park the Orient Express has been cancelled however there was a murder on the temporary orient replacement bus bad thing to say at a wedding I would like to apologize for the state of my clothes and the smell of sick only I spent last night in a skip anyway dearly beloved bad thing to hear at the psychiatrist oh yes I can see why you fancy your mother she's something of a fox unlighted things to hear on a TV talent show hello I'm Susan Boyle and I would like to say hello to my brother Frankie [Applause] susan boyle is not related to me none of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar hello I'm a Billy [ __ ] and this is my partner Brian balls and together we are Billy and Brian things you would mother here at work imagine that my first day at work and I appear to have slipped on a wet floor I think I might be entitled to compensation unlikely things to hear on a property program you can't decide between the two properties well you're an MP why don't you claim for them both welcome to this episode of homes under the hammer where we attack Eamonn Holmes with rejected questions from this year's exam Katie Price's supposedly worth eight and a half million pounds and it's got a thriving TV career explain if Sally buys three oranges and two apples how far south of Scotland issue [Applause] English is standards declining unlikely things to hear on a TV business show okay we may have lost some money promoting Michael Jackson o2 but let's face it I've just signed a deal for the new Oasis to bad things to hear from a tour guide coming up later on we've got the topless donkey Darby and who's got the funniest Willie competition yes it's going to be the best saga holiday few [Applause] unlikely things to hear on a breakfast show you're listening to six music yes you fish you lines you wouldn't hear in a horror movie the child is vomiting its head is rotating and it seems to be possessed by the devil however put in social services has visited 20 times and they think everything's okay stay away stay away from the castle the cafe's overpriced and they give short [ __ ] the next topic is unlikely things are here on a children TV program this week's episode of Thomas the Tank Engine has been canceled and replaced by Ronald the replacement bus service robber daba daba do they bill bloody foreigners say bang things you wouldn't hear at a party conference would you please welcome the man who's made the Conservatives an electable force again Gordon Brown unlike it into here on the history documentary - World Wars and One World Cup dude are the final outcome of the second world war has changed the world forever so if you don't want to know the results this way unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch coming up next week we'll be trying to solve the murders of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals this week tonight we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home every time I present this program on Lighting's - here on the TV election debates and the lines have closed Gordon it could be you David for her it could be you Nick it's not going to be Jerell tonight you're gonna be mentoring the Lib Dems unlikely things are here at an award ceremony and the award for best envelope glue goes to and winner of the suicide bomber of the year I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight the things you would want to hear on the cruise I would like to apologize for the rocking of this boat but we are currently being humped by a whale there appears to have been an incident in the swimming pool if a mr. Barrymore could contact the captain unlikely things are here in a fitness video I'm Madonna I'm a 50 year old woman with the body of a 40 year old man okay go on see if you can raise your leg as high as I can high breath you can't because I'm Heather Mills it is unlikely 90 here in a Hollywood blockbuster you run the screws you can't handle the truth welcome to the Fox News Channel spider-man look at its rolled-up newspaper man and I've worked out what to do with Goldfinger what we do is we put him in a big envelope marked cash my goal use the Force Luke and if that doesn't work turn it off and turn it back on again unlikely things to read in a Valentine's Day card roses are red violets are blue I've got something nasty and now so do you you're the perfect person for me pissed and gagging for it so we have to go through this [ __ ] every year on like a billion a science program now on five crop circles myth or bollocks he realized that this equation was going to take him absolutely years so he switched to a media studies course which was a piece of piss unlikely things to get through your letterbox Royal Mail parcel delivery we called you are in so we ran away before you could answer are you looking for a dog walking service then call a scab ABS on three one looking for an undertaker why not call Escobar the Taj Mahal Indian restaurant formerly a ski bash things you wouldn't hear at the Winter Olympics and here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John sergeants and Britain comes away with two gold to silver and a bronze well that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker Open no one has more experience on the ice than him what a wonderful games it's been so far for Pingu and there the skier surprisingly stopped off halfway down for a mold wine and a [ __ ] commercials that never aired all website shows a complete range of pubic winks compares a merkin dot-com [Applause] Marmite your the love it or you hate it or you think it's okay but you'd rather have marmalade hi Churchill if you've been rubbing your ass on the carpet again things you don't want to hear in hospital so just checking your notes here and your missus a oh I'm sorry you've got Mrs a we're going to put you to sleep now because you're old and it's the kindest thing to do except to this sacrifice oh mighty Seder unlikely lines to read in the Bible the characters in this book are entirely fictitious it rained for 40 days and 40 nights which was a surprise because the Met Office would dip to the barbecue summer things here or do your sat-nav day oh yeah oh yeah turn right at the next Junction for a bloody good dogging site can you turn the gas off did you lock the door if just did you I reckon we should go back I reckon we should go back unlikely things to hear at the World Cup hang on comes the Sun for North Korea and it's torpedo to your position through the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil covered Pelican and here we are on safari there is a giraffe and an ostrich I'm terribly sorry it's Peter crouches parents unlikely levels to television channel here news 24 go to bed here point of view loser I complain to if I think point of view is [ __ ] bad thing to say in the first days I bought some condoms and in preparation I've got one on already okay I did crop my facebook photo so you couldn't see my conjoined twin whoa how piss was I want to ask you out notice paste as I was when always CPA on writing life to here in a disaster movie then we are heavily surrounded but don't worry Gaza has arrived with some chicken in a fishing rod the boat is sinking there's not enough lifeboats and the worst thing of all Celine Dion is singing those things you not realize if this contagion spread the entire X Factor judging panel could be wiped out rejected questions from diffuse exam if you mix blue and yellow how crap is your government at law is traveling at a constant speed of 70 miles an hour Randee m25 in what imaginary universe your mum's a slag the next topic is things you won't hear in a gardening program last year I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden so I phoned up Time Team and told them I just found a Roman coin last week you're complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden being a pest but let me tell you I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden it causes nothing but joy however here is a wonderful water feature like in Brussels of a small boy pissing this one's from Thailand and I pay him 20 pence on da Lian is good money unlikely thing to read in a political memoir so we were playing truth or dare and I didn't want to tell the truth so I shagged did Wiener curry I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me things you wouldn't hear in a medical documentary okay now cough and cough again okay yeah I've got the diagnosis got a call today we're attempting a slightly difficult operation what we're hoping to do is remove the Adam's apple with a pair of tweezers without the patient's nose flashing rate the Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable and known by friends as the skipping-rope [Applause] unlikely line to hear in a kid sir Oh Shrek have you been upsetting Colleen again by shagging those prostitutes terribly sorry I'll just put my clothes back on I thought you said Chiti Chiti gangbang I am Bambi son of a murdered mother my Bacon's in the trifle okay the next item is things you wouldn't hear in a car we show today I brought along chicken tonight but I'm going to have it tomorrow mash the system welcome to excite and there's not much left in the fridge today we're going to be making onion double cream banana pasta ketchup today I'm going to be making a prune and sweet corn chickpea khuskhus because I like to give my bowels a challenge so I've been beating away for half an hour but I'm just lonely let's get on with the cooking unlikely things to hear on a news program behind me a man lies dead that's what happens if you pull faces in the background there is still an embargo on revealing the footballer at the center of this six case this is Brian Henderson outside John Terry tanks city news now London is dangerous York is old and Bristol is a bit weird [Applause] unlikely things to hear on a train we would like to apologize for the bumpy ride as we entered the last station because due to some selfish bastard hmmm I wonder whether I should take my personal belongings with me when I leave this train holy there was an announcement that could possibly would the driver please contact the guard we have no idea where you are he's the driver contacting the guard where am I unlikely things to hear in a quiz show we asked 100 people name something you eat with a spoon and the top answer was piss off I'm busy so know your soul for a resurrected career Deal or No Deal I'm Dale Winton and you've got to be in it to win it and by that of course I mean my bottom [Applause] the next of it is lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie I know you're mad max but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going down okay men this is the plan we tunnel under the wire we make a dash for Blighty and hopefully we'll never ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show the suspect has got a gun but it's okay Gaza's arrived and he's brought chicken in a fishing rod Poirot you've done it again you bored me shitless for the last two hours [Applause] the body is that of Eamonn Holmes we may need a little more chalk okay the next college is unlikely to hear from a sports commentator paint ricky hatton they're bleeding heavily from the nose this boy really knows how to party the race hasn't started yet after Scott with a problem he's gone he's wouldn't and he's in a nasty bit of rough he needs to get to the golf course as quickly as he can things you wouldn't hear at a school assembly okay today we're going to have a special outing so miss Williams if you'd like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian because that is how you put on a condom sir she's your view mr. cucumber not with that ecoli kicking around unlighted things here on the TV talent show it was like Elvis was in the building you're fat and there's a stench of death Oh where's my double like partner oh he's he's in here feeling nothing Brian - Wow yes I have been on the show before I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going feeling I know you said you heard Gary Glitter tribute act but we weren't expecting you to do that unlikely things to hear on a history documentary Guy Fawkes is beat to brother houses of parliament failed when he realized his body he was made of jumpers and his head was an old football when Hitler started right in mine camp he intended it to be a light-hearted romp called carry-on camping we've been digging in his field in Hampshire for three weeks and we found this one piece of crockery which tells us we desperately need to get laid okay that cover his unlikely things to hear over at a nice clean up record in the magazine our lot if you would like to upgrade to first class then you should have worked harder at school and this is your captain speaking you can now turn on your mobile phones as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye unlikely line from a superhero film woman what did I tell you about not [ __ ] in next door's garden if your bird in your plane well if you don't know that what the hell are you doing in air traffic control on race external drive lock and also I am white van man unlikely thing for a continuity announcer to say lift up on channel 4 live from Switzerland it's come die with me [Applause] just to clear up some confusion for our regular viewers IPV two plus one is not the same as ITV three if you have been affected by some of the issues in EastEnders they must have been acting it better than they usually next up it's bargain hunt which is also rhyming flame for the bloke who presents it unlikely agony aunt letters my partner won't give me all sex which is really annoying because that's the only reason I formed a coalition with him in the first place for Michael getting into drugs but I don't know what to do should I charge them mates rates or just normal prices I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman could you tell us please how to get out of position 43 of the karmis infra unlighted things to hear at Wimbledon Serena Williams has been seated you've got to admire the bravery of that blood and for any of our Scottish viewers what you can see there in that glass of Pimm's is fruit unlikely questions from dis year's exam if a bank loses 60 billion pounds in a six-month period using numbers that you plucked out of thin air work out what the chief executives bonus will be on lighting to read on a motorway sign for Middlesbrough take the exit mark pal and then lose the will to live turn off the sat-nav use the Force bro banana skin behind car now Super Mario and Diddy Kong approaching from rare unlikely lines from children's books it's no biggie went to market this little piggy stayed at home and this will be you it and die horribly of swine Fred who's been sleeping in my bed said daddy bear well said mummy bear it's been your brother Ryan and he's a much better shag than you are The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe or as we like to call them the Sugababes oh dear said postman pat I've just had sex with my cat Jess I should have gone to spectator on lighting for a sports commentator to say Lewis Hamilton III seconds ahead but this trouble at turn 17 as dastardly and muttley photography Alex Ferguson has substituted Wayne Rooney of course not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69 year old unlikely lying from a horror film [Applause] I'm sorry it's just you look nothing like your photo in match.com if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist there's a danger that your home will become repossessed I'm seeing the ring I wish that builder would put his treasure [Applause] commercial that never made it to air JD sports mm looters can't be wrong do you suffer from dull lifeless hair don't worry Andy Parsons will buy Alfie how much did you say you earn for them direct line car into here for cash are your cremated relative [Applause] smash for cash for in mashed potato Flinx come on virgins wash your [ __ ] I'm likening to here in a police station I notice the burglar making his escape at this moment I cursed the police cutbacks and gave chase shouting nee-naw nee-naw now I've not come to report crime it's just that I really miss the bill so I thought I'd pop in for an hour please George you've arrived officer some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and show himself 14 times likely things are here in the science documentary welcome to the sky at night and if we look at well Gordon's on fire without penicillin well I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok ah the Northern Lights Oh No Manchester's on fire and as the sperm swim towards the eggs it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast [Applause] I'll never again going to have a fried breakfast bad thing to say in a job interview when I said I was a Yale student I studied key cutting at mr. Miller what do I see myself doing in five years time exactly the same only on Dave what are my weaknesses fat birds I'm like eating here I'm a consumer program it's welcome to watch dog he's a dog tonight we're investigating facing and why I got tickets for that instead of the hundred metres final because he was dog I'm extremely pissed off with this product I bought just for men my wife used it and now I am gay [Applause] unlikely instructions hot noodle for best results put back on the shelf one of these condoms has got a hole in it are you feeling lucky punk congratulations on your new bread maker who our bet kings Miller quaking in their boots unlikely things are here in the restaurants let's skip the pudding you look like you've had enough already this is a traditional Greek restaurant so don't worry if you can't pay the German government will cover it here's the tip if you find the rest of the chef's penis please let us know [Applause] excellent choice sir this lady is much fitter than your wife [Applause] unlikely things to read in the Bible and lo they finally saw the sign that God had promised you are now leaving Swindon as Moses saw the burning bush and said to his wife I think you've overdone that bikini way and Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto Him whether you just leave they'll farm and find somewhere else our life is equal to here and a makeover show Michelle has got jowls false teeth and in fact a mustache but unfortunately we need to draw up a front room not afraid and today on property ladder we're going to show you how to break into a property [Applause] today on ten years younger we're gonna try and squeeze nine year old Amy back up her mother's wood unlucky things to hear at an award ceremony and the award for most cleavage on view goes to Eamonn Holmes whose ass and to present best film in a foreign language would you please welcome Nick Griffin [Applause] unlike Eli into a thriller your wife's head in a box you must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal or No Deal is that a gun in your pocket or just pleased to see me she heard yes it is a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my [ __ ] this prostitute isn't dead said the Norwegian detective she's just pining for the fjords unlikely things to hear at Euro 2012 and there we see in the stands John Terry's wife and with his arm around her Rio Ferdinand's and the Greeks have reached the quarter-final if only they'd had a massive bet on that Germany against Greece the ultimate dilemma for the British royal family so Germany camped in the polish off not for the first time things you wouldn't hear on the political discussion show ran the table tonight Eric Pickles and Rand another table for other politicians solely click which of your two faces would you like to answer that question with and so we have a question here for the prime minister from Nancy Cameron aid state and it's when are you going to pick me up today on light of things to read on a health insurance form would you describe the condition of your heart as a very good be minimally good or see have you ever experienced a burning sensation when you pee were you drunk at the time and holding a cigarette at the same time Buddhists what was your last cause of death would you describe yourself as very fit quite fit or a bit of a minger unlikely lion from a war movie we've located the battleship it is in the squares b5 b6 well if nothing else this is going to make a lovely tapestry Louie this could be the start of a beautiful friendship but only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon due to mock the week over running the face of course has now been canceled and it's the Russian favourite no Lockington against the British number three absolutely no rocking team and players being interrupted as two players have walked onto the court saying they've got it booked from four and it's now five past the doubles have proved great entertainment today I've had ten of them and let me tell you sue Barker is looking absolutely gorge things you wouldn't hear on a consumer program on watched on tonight and Robinson has had a seizure but you won't be able to tell tonight we're investigating United dairies our lights and Cadbury's in a feature we're calling milk milk lemonade round the corner chocolate this secret camera we're using is really really tiny which is lucky because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my are things you won't hear at the Olympics very impressive Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour wonderful hundred meters as well I would like to apologize for my early mistake we are in fact watching the javelin and not as I said dwarf darts and now in the weightlifting it's the snatch she's a big girl but unlike it was the read in a children's book and so the target came to tea and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf unfortunately Bob the Builder couldn't fix it because Bob's ski the Polish Builder had under Kaia members as the train came slowly past the railway children cut stones at it and spray-painted Thomas is a wanker rejected question from disappeared exams if sawing a / a equal signed B over B equal sign C over C what are the chances that you're ever going to use this in your sodden Anna compare the following a the market be the me using the paper provided roll a joint and pass it round things you didn't hear at the Olympics sweltering conditions here at the ladies beach volleyball final but still those four blunts in the front row haven't taken their coats off welcome to greco-roman wrestling where a man from crease and a man from Italy wrestle each other for the 1 euro coin they found on the floor and we there is jumping up and down with delight which will probably see them disqualify from the wheelchair marathon and mixed up Beach the dressage or as its properly known Riverdance for horses unlikely things to hear on a property show yes it is north facing but on the plus side it's a caravan so you can just turn it rang 20 coats of varnish in a new rug and Brucie is ready for his next enlightening - here in the maternity ward mr. Parsons your baby looks exactly like you but mind you so does every other baby mrs. Jones I'm going to need you to push and then when we've got the ambulance started we'll try and get off oh god it's not my baby I've given birth to an D possum you have a bouncing baby boy I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room if you're not in when we deliver your baby is it okay if we leave it with a neighbor that's good unlikely things to hear in a news program welcome to Sky News at the moment the sky is blue more on that volcanic eruption in Iceland to the arse of clothes one atilla's out of order and now for the weather report let's hope it's a hot one oh no it's Rob McElwee enlightening to read on a medical label ng diarrhea medicine Huhn emergency shove the bottle up your eyes over your perfect tablets side effects none main effects for Agra it'll give you more than eight percent obesity pills don't eat the bottle chubby unlucky thing for a sports commentator to say Lewis Hamilton still leads but there's trouble up ahead as Dick Dastardly in Mario do so Boris Johnson are you enjoying the Olympics oh I'm terribly sorry Clare Balding are you bad thing to say at a job interview I like to see myself as a people person although some people have called me a trafficker you're like joking oh I thought you said to a lot dogging the answer is still yes what would I do if I won the lottery tell you to [ __ ] off lying you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie so find we're really pushing product placement in this film so here's your new secretary miss money supermarket daughter [Applause] aha mr. bones it appears that somebody has stolen my cup so she's smuggling diamonds somehow bond and your job is to find out how just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny vajazzle unlikely to hear at a party conference my name's Dave like the TV channel we both repeat the same old [ __ ] over I'd avoid the hotel bar and witih comes in there reading Fifty Shades of Grey our strategy for this labor conference is embrace the geek and not as I said earlier release the [ __ ] my name's Dave like the TV channel and I repeat the same Oh Nik unlike your line from a cosmetics commercial you suffer from low self-esteem feel like a failure think you can't go on and take 200 nurofen I should do the trick once thicker fuller lips then try telling a nightclub bouncer he's a [ __ ] - info is your man here we are over then why not try head shoulders knees and toes for the most relaxing a bubble bath imaginable why not have a little cheeky wank when you [Applause] unlikely things to hear on Doctor Who when I was giving you a quote as your cleaner doctor I was giving you a quote from the outside it's go forward in time by an hour then we get quit off the pizza I am The Doctor I am 1,200 years old and this is my assistant who's 27 unlighted into here on radio you're listening to radio you tree the cream of the 1970s broadcasting live from Pentonville this is the Somali shipping forecast until great air today we've been discussing a water tosser Nick Clegg's and now on the line we've got David from central London it's now 10:00 p.m. on radio for and before the news is five minutes of free porn [Laughter] okay the next tab again things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary they call it dark matter well whatever it is I've tried to flush it four times we're sitting like we're discussing sports science he did a real job or is it just PE when it's raining no no that's not how you make a test you baby get your penis [Applause] things you wouldn't hear on a fitness DVD do you want rock-hard buns they need to get the Gregg's at around five o'clock are you still too big to fit into that dress don't worry about it just go to leads the women they don't seem to give a [ __ ] hello and welcome to dollar oprand bunga bunga worker okay that cover here are likely things for a vet to say so what I'm going to do is I'm going to cut open the stomach of your Rottweiler and hopefully I'll have both of us out of you in no time [Applause] well sir if you think this treatment is too expensive I suggest you get your milk out to find some way cheaper line you wouldn't hear in a sci-fi movie actually yeah Jeremy Cole's just got the DNA results back and apparently Luke I'm not your father he'll just flakes on the plane now the British remake wasp in a car [Applause] I can see dead people that's because I'm watching UK TV gold to boldly go where no man has gone before and Widdecombe how many Klingons does it take to change the delicacy of gristle 10 weren't to change it and the other 9 chastising for performing such a menial task he's a member of a proud warrior race ok the next topic is unlikely personalized I'm a cat person I sleep all day and I bury my poo in the garden female 22 3352 one of them is my age are you feeling lucky punk pessimistic man 6 depressed old ladies so as we can have some really [ __ ] tom I'm a George Clooney look-alike who's looking for a woman with visual impairments unlikely thing to hear on daytime TV welcome to Channel four daytime or as you said to your boss this morning working from coming up Teletubbies uncut yes you're gonna get see pinky Winky Winky and dipsy laa-laa David wants to retire by the sea so we advised him to buying knowledge because by the time he's retired the sea would have come to end ah [Applause] unlikely things are here in hospital these are stop quick get the different different are sorry state welcome to Oxford hospital why not join me in playing pregnant or fat you'll just feel a small brick and then I'll pull my trousers that one Bobby you're dead questions omitted from disused exams using PI distract the fat kid mixed you so you can copy as answer religious studies if two men have been married for 10 years for how long will they burn in hell for in a man travels 12 miles each day to buy a loaf of bread how long before he realizes that living in the countryside he [ __ ] thing the weather forecaster would never say it's going to be a bit flowy today it's my birthday and my wife promised me one well it was a frosty start for some of us this morning because I came in pissed again let's simply go in bed with my mother-in-law I'm sure the ladies are going to be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow it could reach 90 degrees which is not bad for a man my age [Applause] why do you wouldn't here in a blockbuster folk Lord of the Rings UK version people come from the Shire to go on a very long journey on the Northern Line to Morton and when they get there it [ __ ] Gollum that wasn't the real I was referring to would you please get your finger out of my precious yo yo have you ever been tested for dyslexia unlikely things for Andy Murray to think by Jim Live was just one I [Applause] think I just saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow but that means he's just ejaculated extract some DVDs that would never fail welcome to exercise for manic depressives down ah this is the DVD you've been waiting for all the tweets of Alan sugar read out loud by Stephen Hawking if you could see me gee we've all been waiting for two politicians discussing a Rwanda [Applause] okay the next savages unlikely things to hear on a mulling program I'm about to shag a bloke welcome to ride my pimp the car has a fail-safe anti spec device it's a Vauxhall Corsa I don't know about you but I via B quite nice to walk today this car has been modified for the American market it's got six cupholders a sandwich stand and a small rotisserie attached to the deck unlikely things for a sports commentator to say and the flooring piece has gone off and Oscar Pistorius is tore his arms in the air sailing is innocence already [Applause] and as he approaches the corner at 200 miles an hour they really need to check out this cyclist for drugs and welcome to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics sailing comfort oh my god okay the next stop again commercials I've never made to air a big taste like butter and Sprague straight from the preach you've probably had a power cut [Laughter] unlimited minutes unlimited texts unlimited music downloads yes it's on you [ __ ] on a train tariffs have you got that bloated uncomfortable feeling in your stomach then Troy going for a [ __ ] [Applause] things you wouldn't hear on the DIY shop nighttime bother putting the kettle on there will crack on with the work straightaway this week on grand designs to more middle-class tosses piss away their life savings on some glorified when do we sandblasted several layers of varnish off but sadly there was very little of the real Dale Winton left unlikely line from a romantic novel yes the earth did move for me I think they must have started fracking plenty of coffee she said he realized his luck was in started taking his clothes off at which point he got kicked out of Starbucks Davy was everything he looked for in a woman pissed with low self-esteem unlikely smaller do you want a larger penis beach volleyball tonight on BBC one for sale dwarf jacuzzi could also be used as a foot spa do you want your house to smell nice and spice up your sex life then why not try Glade but plugins on light wings in here on Crimewatch the police have said it's okay for the public to approach the gunman as he saw Knopf the wrong individual gun [Laughter] the Rickson was marched to the cash point and made to take out 300 pounds that's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday for info on that post office robbery they charged me four pounds fifty to send a parcel second class team he wouldn't here during an election campaign we in the Green Party think we've had a cracking election nobody's voted for us but they've put all the election literature from us in the correct recycling bin I'm gonna say boys when we said press the flesh with the electorate we make shake hands unlikely film trailer Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler in Wow imagine it's gonna be [ __ ] anyway now this isn't The Day the Earth Stood Still it's just that you're in Norfolk just pickable me free now starring as the arch-villain glue Dhara obreon things you want here at the world cup bothering eyesight just this one side of doing all the time that's really unfair I'm so sorry right you see I just you're kind of hogging it a bit so for the rest of the round I'm sorry you'll hear the World Cup thank you it's the first time that most people are ever seen Dory's legs ladies [Applause] let me see Oh Missy yes Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time Orange on Superboy now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast and our commentator Ron Atkinson there's six Brazilians in the wall and killing the foundations that's the map here for you I'm lighting engineer on a cookery program you've got to be very careful when handling raw meat but if you white stars walk in close the laptop parappa dragon I'll mention the world Thompson today we're going to be needing salmon noodles and parsley so I'm gonna knit down to Tesco and shoving up the jumper after MasterChef Celebrity MasterChef and MasterChef the professionals now it's mastership the only five people in Britain have not been on market yet unlikely things to hear in a school assembly it's your own time you're wasting so please think twice about choosing Media Studies as an opportunity now I know today is no school uniform day Barry but we were hoping that you would wear something else commercial that never made it to air come to trade your Mills we got peacock deliver pen the the dyson Android it's a perfect way to drown out the sound of somebody having a [ __ ] news international when you talk we listen thing that Sport cam video would never say apologies the sport you're watching is apparently squat and not as I said earlier tennis imprison and there's a new event here and the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow yes get ready for shouting at your own reflection in a shop window those of you who want to watch the equestrian events get your Butler to press the red button unlikely lines from a filler there's a mole in our organization code rocky badger any idea who it might be the truth you can't handle the truth so thank you for signing up to the mail online website I like eating - here at the dentist I think you may have to wear braces it's just that you're very fat and your trousers keep falling man the dental hygienist will see you soon she's just going for a [ __ ] unlikely line from a children's book what big eyes you have grandma said Little Red Riding Hood yes said grandma I'm off my tits on methamphetamine The Fat Controller went on a business strategy course and from then on he wants to be known as the horizontally gifted chief operation it was maybe because mr. tickle could reach around doorways and through windows then it came to the attention of operation nutri unlikely things to hear in court we the jury have yet to reach a final verdict but we would like to have a guess is it mrs. P shot with a candlestick Illinois okay mr. Pistorius there will now be a toilet break don't anybody else go in there mr. Clapton I put it to you that it is highly unlikely that you did not shoot the deputy given that you've already admitted that you did shoot the show thing you wouldn't hear in a nature documentary watch out for Crocs because anybody wearing Crocs is a bellend the pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard and within seconds he'd been forced to change his car insurance apply just one bite from this snake can paralyze the nervous system in three seconds I'm likely small add the sale freezer not working properly would make ideal fridge to fail Mitsuki 400 a KX 3 s with extended cab and vortex box with two brushes would suit somebody who knows what the [ __ ] is [Applause] for sale book of logic puzzles would since somebody who wants a book of logic puzzles on you like a line from a superhero movie come quick Batman Catwoman is just regurgitating Robin at the kitchen door again The Dark Knight Rises has a quick tug goes flattered help we need to film these things quickly this must be a job for cameraman spider-man spider-man does whatever a spider can help I'm stuck in the ball unlikely things are here at an award show and the winner of spiritualist medium of the year goes to I'm getting a D David Trevor sweater and the award for most disappointing sound effect in a TV show goes to and here at the sat-nav Awards we'd like just to take a moment to remember the people we've lost this year thank you for awarding me sexual fetishist of the year and let me tell you this is going straight up mile okay the next I begin on like a line from a romantic novel as Christian Grey tied her to the bed using some cotton stretch slacks and then started beating around back with some Sicilian lemon cheesecake she suddenly realized that he was heavily in to M&A he looked at her naked body and then he looked into her eyes his heart started pounding and he felt a tingling sensation what a [ __ ] time to have a coronary unlikely things to hear on a news program after the fire in the aromatherapy candle factory the situation is now calm and eventually the Sun will go supernova the earth will become dark and frozen and everyone will die that was the long-range weather for to my right in my peripheral vision Andy Parsons is showing off his penis more on that as it unfolds [Applause] we go over now to our vegan correspondent I'm Toby sight your peers have gone strawberry things you wouldn't hear and a medical show I'm dr. Christian and remember however embarrassing your condition is you'll never look as weird as I do so if you'd like to bend over I'm just going to check your prostate may be slightly uncomfortable I'm going in now look no an [Applause] yes I'm afraid it's the Big C yep Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital visit I'm lighting for a sports commentator today and Switzerland takes the gold and hangs on to it even after the Second World War is off the referee checked his watch and realize it was given by the Brazilian FA it's gonna have to return it and it's the relay and he's made a grab for the baton Hall that's not the Battle of smile on his face anyway lime you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show how did I recognize him from justice genitalia is the red and blue Paisley pajamas and there has been a heinous crime committed on the Orient Express somebody has done a [ __ ] while the train was still in a station now constable the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline 17 times should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive things you wouldn't hear at a party conference look on an Bienvenue welcome to the you Kip party common as the Lib Dem leader I say to you go back to your constituencies and prepare your Seavey's I'm lucky things are here on daytime TV thank you for watching this morning now put down the vodka get dressed and go to work today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Mustafar now they're not doing [Applause] today's episode of Jeremy Carl has just been canceled [Applause] today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer why he won't read his research paper on Neutron decay in lithium isotopes I was with it today on Jeremy Kyle Jayden will be asking Spencer where is Mustafa commercial that never made it to air have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault of course you have because that is a definition of an accident white robes two for the price of three from the Bora toir Garnier palace because if we said it was from unit five of a Luton Industrial Estate you wouldn't buy it would you did you mistake your girlfriend for a burger on Valentine's Day then you need to go to Specsavers line you wouldn't hear in the sci-fi movie they abducted us and took us to their spacecraft and then they explored our bodies with strange brogues obvi honest who's the best egg nog I've ever been on what the people don't know Captain Kirk is that when I do that rethink that means in Vulcan I've had your mum things you wouldn't hear on a survival show I've not had a bar for days on end and that's because what Beckett's dad in [Applause] if you suddenly see a bear extremely close to you the best thing to do stand Stockstill pull down your trousers and just let it have sex with you unlikely things to hear over at an eye if you see an unattended bag please don't report it remember you're in world of luggage the 16:25 has unfortunately been canceled and has been replaced by replacement bus service easyJet would like to apologize passengers are going to greet welcome to mega bus things haven't worked out quite as well as you are another unlikely film trailers in his toughest assignment yet Peter Parker has to pick a peck of pickled pepper call the grand Budapest hotel brilliant the time 5 stars The Guardian the beds weren't made TripAdvisor things you wouldn't hear on the radio I'm sorry for that small pause just at the end of that record they're only my [ __ ] took slightly longer than I a hideous car crash has occurred at the end of the a19 it's called Doncaster you're listening to BBC wiltshire because your car radio has lost reception to what you were listening sometimes when you listen to the radio there is a tumor you can't go have your hateful flames again and again and again sort of gets faster and faster [Applause] unlikely greeting cards sorry you're leaving and sorry to break it to you in such a cowardly fashion my feelings can't be put into words although the judge did describe them as inappropriate [Applause] when you arrange Paulette to blue when you go down on me please don't chew okay the next up again things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary is elderly for Sarah Palin it's conclusive proof that man and dinosaur existed together for everybody else The Flintstones is just a cartoon well we could ask a proper scientist about this or we could ask taro Breen hello my name is Dora Breen control and bring science to the message I'm going to appear in a program with Stephen Hawking wearing a ridiculous hat yep yes yeah I get enough with just you know I love that hat by the way hello I'm Dora green I've got a massive head and a massive brain for all I get to do in this bit is just person little puzzle I would just like to say that I think Dora brings a legend I like to hear on breakfast TV you're watching breakfast TV because the chemists won't have your volume ready until mid-morning [Laughter] safer for Jeremy Kyle today's teeth count is 3 if you've been affected by any of the issues in today's Jeremy Kyle show then fold it up you're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow it's lined you wouldn't read in a romantic novel the dark stranger emerged from the sea his wet jerk Lea gainst his muscular torso soon she held him and said the words he'd been dying to say for ages on UK Border Patrol in you're under arrest [Applause] he closed her hand he held it tightly and they skipped up through the fields of daffodils and it was at that moment she thought he might be a little bit rejected exam questions if cycling ten miles a day uses up 400 calories explain what Boris Johnson is still a fat bastard where is Greece anyway the southern Mediterranean or be up [ __ ] creek explain a link it became a major force in British politics without using the word wanker unlikely to say when running for US president no we can't I will govern for all of this country not just the metropolitan cities on the coast but also you cousin shaggers dance now i like to apologize mr. Trump is what I see when I've just farted in bed unlikely things to hear on a consumer program especially we'd like to apologize for the mispronunciation on last week's show and particularly to those people who as a result have invested all of their life savings in Isis the kids were left shocked frightened and in tears so our advice if you're hiring a face painter don't book a surrealist live you wouldn't hear in a kid's film why you crying mommy said pepper well said [Applause] Nanny McPhee I've got bad news we're replacing you with nanny looks more Effy from Belarus the wonderful thing about Tiggers is we conditioned by our gazelle in 10 seconds unlikely things for us sports commentators there and that's a wonderful sleight of hand from the Welsh fly-half he's picked up the loose ball he's tucked it back in his shorts and nobody seems to have noticed like to apologize what you're watching is in fact judo and not as I said earlier timed pajama cuddling unlikely things for a continuity announcer the sake on itv2 next what Katie did next which I'm guessing is get a kicked out American fit prick for publicity purposes next up on Channel four plus one minus 2/3 taint then you're watching the addled channel + 1 because that viagra is taking a while to kick in okay [Applause] that's worth really [ __ ] on voxel course spider mass Jade Goody and Widdecombe heathermills Jake we plan with excessive milk somebody having a shoe tweets of Alan sugar my bottom [Music] Wow

Channel: JoshSp1osh

Views: 1,556,566

Keywords: BBC, Andy Parsons, Scenes We'd Like To See, JoshSp1osh, Mock the Week, Comedy, Stand-Up

Id: rcZBJc5Knh0

Length: 116min 29sec (6989 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 10 2017