Mock.The.Week.Too.Hot.For.TV.3.Part.3

studio feel free to pitch around in the title music as well muck about ruin the show if you stop we're not recording this [ __ ] up with you oh yeah hello and welcome to Mock the Week I'm Dara o Briain the news this week Home Secretary John Reid remains under pressure for his prison sentencing policy for instance this week a pedophile was set free who three months ago might have gone to prison oh well swings and roundabouts it is now standard police procedure to ask the suspects do you have a criminal record and if they say yes to us do you have any idea where it is denying that new super casinos were a bad thing a government spokesman insisted that they would not represent attacks on the poor adding no no you're thinking of scratchcards church leaders have condemned the super casino saying gambling offers a false hope to the impoverished and the people shouldn't say be putting all their faith into a shiny beardy man who lives on a cloud Blackpool lost out in their bid for the super casino this is the worse news to hit the town since Joe Pasquale extended his summer season doc in America has come back from the dead twice after first been shot by hunters revived to two days in a fridge it then stopped breathing on the operating table as they repaired its wing and had to be revived with an oxygen mask its condition was later described as delicious joining me tonight are six of the country's top comedy performers Andy Parsons Ed Byrne Russell Howard and Frankie boy Hugh Dennis and genius Cherie welcome to the show first round is called headliners here's a picture of this week's top tabloid target John Reed with some cabinet colleagues but waters or I PS stand for I was thinking read impersonates Pope successfully as it rid imagining Prescott sex life read read imagines prison shower Oh screw it read incestuously pump sister on a slightly lighter note that was for you haven't make you feel at home what's referred to the fact that I'm from Bristol so follow suit isn't deep-fried Frankie relax and practice in Sharia read itches penis super burly it just penis superstitiously if you like you we get we can that day oh is it from left to right right India plonk up shagger rate invites painful shagging inviting it by doing that if anything is he's trying to resist it fell over the August I'm surely yeah if that invites are painful shagging there must be some horrific stories from Mexican waves the only one smiling was the guy at the top Prescott is it read interrupts Prescott sleep this preaching sodomy Santa Clause read is pathetic shambles take a breather and enjoy what he just said just relax enjoy the humor of these moments reprimand idiot person speaking is it right in pig [ __ ] in prison invents prison statistics or the invent a physical bad though unfair into prison sex what I say please we move towards the correct answer you don't you take that as an invite have to raise the game yet almost like it's a comedy show read in pedophile Jacques not real the real missing sideway no read maps which prostitutes lair [ __ ] you a cup God use never having a career again likely a promising young talent throw away a good career feast is it read is Prescott soulmate they just get on really in prison - Morgan it some things it's read in prisons shock shambles no scandal read in prison scandal yes very good well done here was actually right realism to make regular Hugh look like he's locked let's do the take with ed winning so any guesses of the answer no I'm not gonna missing there is nearly 400 years of subjugation I was looking for was read in prisons scandal although frankly Shambala or shock would have worked just as well it refers to the latest problems at the Home Office with the prisons at bursting point the home sector is being criticized for requesting softer sentencing to ease overcrowding on top of the department's failure to keep track of hundreds literally hundreds of serious offenders however I can't say out enough plays injera they're everywhere how has John Reid dealt with the problem of overcrowded prisons he at least the pedophiles you're the ones who do it with pedophiles we can never really make the punishment fit the crime could we dress the pedophiles up is Morris Dancers so that they have bails on the kids will know when they're nearby and beautifully real Morris Dancers will get beaten up for being pedophiles predators over 300 sex offenders have gone missing they were on the register and have gone missing and they don't know where they are and they say part of the reason why some of them go missing is because they give such vague addresses there are that give way this one guy whose address was down as a tent near the ledger center then this is true we changed his address to simply the woods just it's not just PD phone so is it actually he's being done you know because they were because they are reducing sentences and stuff and essentially what they've done is they've introduced the January sale to the Prison Service it's like you know murder used to be life now six months bb8 for six years now a week you go absolutely free say that the Home Office is like renovating a house you pull back the wallpaper when you discover problems we learn there but I've renovated a couple of houses I've never pulled that wallpaper and found a pedophile in the plaster okay how many places there are how many prison places there are in this country there are 80,000 people in prison yes and there are 80,000 716 cells 60,000 prisoners they can get in there are needs three and a half thousand but there's an obvious solution like just top and tail you know whatever there isn't room my brother's house so just top and tighten it with it you don't get a futon or hammock what you've not factored then is the levels of present forced homosexuality it's like sex Tetris trying to find her cell these days go to sleep places together this isn't just rough bombing in a shower they can have a cuddle at night it's fun genuine romantic no imagine the horror of trying to crawl across a sail with the man on your back to light a scented candle there's a double-edged sword here doesn't know where you'd sort of wacko if you were going to prison to try and defend yourself but what can I is only going to make your ass look better there's nothing really in the gym that's going to give you an [ __ ] like a cigar cutter into the flame professional host would do this in a speedy way but you [ __ ] calm the [ __ ] down the line plenty of time no one's going anywhere least of all you [ __ ] are plenty of time Edward what did you want to say please wait till our deed finish paid what did you want to say what did you want to say no [ __ ] quite loving this no you shut up children today I've written the word boobless on my calculus what did you want to say it's really not worth it now finally you might start off just inserting small objects into your eyes stretches you do take your show Mitch coffee oh you're kind of ready for it I'm not with the eyes and [ __ ] related stuff all right I think you said that straight after Frankie's that would work really well what I wanted to say was one of the solutions they're thinking of doing is apparently the Swedish system where you get found guilty right but you don't get straight to court they wait right there wait until there's a space in prison it's called the one in one out system you queue to go to prison seems a very British way of sorting it's no voice going okay cell number four some sort of really grilled Argos and our got is relatively grim at the best are really really grim markets where instead of getting some sort of cheap barbecue set you actually got banged up for six months can we just build a wall around Liverpool we still own it and I'd like to see someone keep up an anti-social attitude when surrounded by three million happy-go-lucky [ __ ] you could of course take the the Northern Ireland example because your your prison the reason that you don't have any space in prison is that you imprison so many people the rate of imprisonment this country is the highest wave in Europe as a counterexample in Ireland it's half the rate where you haven't lived for years the iron is a low rate of imprisonment it's not in any relation to the fact that I'm not there you British people who live here you live here it's we who live here the plank and their jobs but anyway the point is in this country you we anywhere in Western Europe whereas in Northern Ireland interestingly the rate is around about half that's right what they've done breathing order to free up space they've simply declared every in a political prisoner and let the mouse so what you should do is declare war on Nokia say right and then even steal the mobile phone it's a prisoner of conscience and should be allowed a purely financial thing realism that is attention problem here with food service it's too expensive and you know there is some money for it so what we should do is put cameras in the prisons and broadcasters as a reality TV show I'm a criminal let me out of here for them not actually escaping because if they do escape they'll be interviewed by Davina McCall when I was 18 it's made to go to a police station on suspicion of being a flasher are you getting this story out yourself before bricks in another media to say I was the assistant to the assistant caretaker this is Laura went to college I was the assistant to the assistant caretaker a comprehensive school in the auction and it was too far away there was the big gap in the middle of the day where I didn't work and I used to sleep in the car and one day a police car pulled up next to the car which had parked in the country lane and unfortunately I was asleep in a big sort of student neck and there had been a flasher at this school so I was forced to go to the police station I'm on presentation of certain pieces of evidence firstly your case isn't watertight here right until you present these certain pieces of evidence which mean you had to flash I think it was no so I want to know if they put an evidence tag around your [ __ ] and balls we did and it's still there the whole thing of you know the prison overcrowding might be if they put up like mirrors into all the cells to create an illusion of space surely Maricel would already have another prisoner in the other side of well no so there's nothing worse than having some guy shacking you look at himself in a matter of but I knew that was coming crowbar that in I think there's merit in the idea of prisoners being able to take a long hard look at themselves what new initiatives are there Home Office they're coming up with this they've got an initiative haven't they to do a database of people shoeprint people super which isn't as daft as it sounds because from a shoeprint they can tell what size you are they can tell what hate you are what we are and various other stuff about you which is why when I'm doing a crane I always wear high heels and carry a bowling ball if you if you were a burglar surely just before you commit the crime we just got a pop on novelty slippers in your fine job who are we looking for looks like a Gruffalo Nike trainers and like okay so burglars are wearing night trainers and maybe the odd pair of Reebok classics I mean it's you can easily guess about the need of a database he's probably wearing a Burberry cap and a sovereign - what kind of shoes criminals wear what do you think Nike trainers are most popular food for burglars which they are on things they 80% a nugget has that got anything to do with the slogan just do it can we just arrest all people who wear sandals pick off I mean I'm sorry to get back onto the pedophile thing again the winners are Julie you and Frankie the next round is called between the lines in features Hugh and Frankie would you please make your way to the press pitch in this round one of them takes on the roles of press in the news address and the media while the other translates what they really mean Frankie you are u.s. president george w bush making a State of the Union address q you will tell us what he really means my fellow Americans many people are surprised that I've committed another 20,000 troops in Iraq I was surprised the water my Tesco shopping online I admit that there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam they both have a border with Switzerland some say that the Iraq war is unwinnable but not my closest advisors chuck norris vin diesel and the animals of farthing wood people said that our soldiers would be coming back in body bags but that hasn't happened some of them will come back in shoeboxes thanks to me the war on terror will be won by al qaeda soon the world will be a much safer place I'm retiring in 18 months I remain firmly opposed to abortion even though I'm a great advert for it now we play around store super casino make a joke cool ass involve Gina Andi Frankie and Russell so if you can make your way to the performance area please it's a stand-up challenge with the round immune generator containing the bank of topics we spin the wheel or when it stops anyone can step forward ready to make us laugh of it that's subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel for the first topic and it is parenting who wants to come in on us Gina I'm not a big advocate of parenting I'm not good at haven't got any kids I tell you why we've changed the law in this country so you can't hit your kids anymore it's against the law to hit your kids now where's the fun in having kids if you can't smack him with a hammer just don't time to time you don't like the kids you can obviously tell having liked it I love kids I just love holidays a lot more that's it they are so expensive Christmases has gone I'm glad it has because kids do not believe in Santa anymore but then having said that I didn't believe in Santa either but that's because my mom's Nigerian there was no way she was gonna let a fat white man take the credit okay let's spin the wheel again subject is the environment who's going to come here that one Frankie Stephen Hawking has just come out and said that global warming may Tom meows into a cloud of boiling gasps that's Hawking for you I think I could have worked out if I just sat about an hour so Dean are getting a hard time from the government because they're not doing enough to combat global warming you think well air travel isn't good for the environment and surely no one has done more to put people off flying than Ryanair James Bond damaged quite like being sold peanuts by a stewardess who looks like she survived Hiroshima's China although Ryan l do have a wash record on human rights leaves with the entire other side of the room and Ian Russell let's spin the wheel the next topic is the body beautiful who wants to give in on that we come in all shapes and sizes nobody right good except on my mum has recently joined an under 5 foot Club you know I'm not lying you haven't seen a prettier sight till you've seen a load of tiny ladies sat around the table their feet barely touching the floor sat there because they're all under 5 foot convinced they've got the same things in common they haven't right the only thing they've got in common when you Hoover near them they don't have to lift their lips and there's a really amazing old lady they're called Sue's about 80 and she's got a prosthetic hand now we got chatting right when she first went to school the state of prosthetics are so poor she actually went to school with a full-size man hand as if your first day of school isn't terrifying enough we're gonna get bullied you're growing so we don't grow into it I'm a girl a lot Gordon banks was and indeed that's who you've been left with okay the legislation way again now new labor have apparently created up to 2,000 new offenses since they've been in power you apparently can now get fined if you park more than 50 centimetres away from the curb now I personally don't mind this 50 centimeters is almost two feet if you can't park within two feet of the curb I don't think you should be driving because let's face it if youth park further than two feet from the curb you've not bloody parked you've stopped in traffic and pissed-off fox hunting is also illegal now has always described it right there's an inefficient form of pest control this probably didn't come as a surprise to you do it you know you've got a mouse in your house you put down a bit of poison oh yeah you don't get dressed up in your Sunday best pissed off your tits and chased after it with a pack of cats try an apple if this is the answer what is the question on the board six calories Gina what we like I know they're for Social Affairs okay Social Affairs the answer is 265 million Gina what is the question is it how much will the London Olympics cost each of us have any complaints whether they'll be about the pedophile section of that show have you seen the pedophile section in the weekend Guardian travel is he how many viewing figures would Top Gear have got if it had been Jeremy Clarkson who had apparently been and how many ways could a dyslexic spell onomatopoeia what is the current chart possession of Peter Andre's drum and bass Christmas how many times did I say as a kid Burt sighs potato waffles that waffle II versatile versus the loins final movie will be called Rocky was how much does roman abramovich earn when he is a dump that you do mean in the toilet takes him to have a job rather than from actually having a job I'll look into it but mutates on Monday how many will be dead by Friday when the machine's finally take over how many humans will die in the first 24 hours in what the machines will later refer to as the great adjustments it's not about a number of deaths all right according to the Daily Mail how many Polish people are living in Hammersmith how much money with the BBC have to pay Tom Cruise if I made the joke I'd like to me how much is gonna be invested in the super casino yes it is actually very good welcome here the question was looking for us how much will now be invested in developing the site of Britain's for a super casino this is the news of the City of Manchester the 1620s rider won the race to become the side with the country's first las vegas-style super casino 265 million pounds will be spent in a run-down area of the city how ironic it is by then how much of a lesson about gambling is that it wasn't the favors lots of people put money on Blackpool and the dome and they lost money need a lesson about gambling as you're going to get to be didn't they they said they wanted to be the Las Vegas of Britain now they were always going to struggle to be that won't they be Plagueis some of the best hotels in the world where they've got a volcano that goes off every 15 minutes Blackpool some of the most disappointing B&Bs I've ever been to where the hot water goes off everybody I prefer black but for many many reasons not least because Manchester is the most regenerated city in the world there isn't a part of Manchester which hasn't been regenerated in the last ten years they have to knock down some of the old regeneration just to make space with the casino right pill discharges beggar kicking is possible it's the one tone in Breton when I've got chlamydia from fish and chips in gambling the principle is in the casino at the end of the unite you exchange your chips for cash and in Blackpool is the other way around you know you can you can win a hundred thousand pounds and have it mugged off you are the one they want joined up government they're not building enough prisons and now they go and build a casino when it's supposed to leave today and eventually prison why not build half casino half prison they get in trouble they can just cross the corridor and that's rubbish about it's all like it's all the slot machines and stuff like that there's no skill surely there's a skill to poker or something like this yeah it's just it's like just deal are no deals ruin this country doing is horrific just notice like Deal or No Deal might as well just be called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for thick people know can you open a box yes actually open a box you know the numbers from 1 to 20 Aires where you identify them by their symbols at a point I've got Nick to do please I don't think it's very went with no lemons when he's walking around in pacing the floor like a creepy uncle yeah you know how do you say things like oh you're playing a very shrewd game I very should point out a box going over that one you shrewd man don't worry spray-on trousers you creepy lizard decreasing with dealers only the fact they all pretend to be friends yeah really get to my good luck your this is for you this is for you like to be honest by here about that sure I mean people are too vulnerable to cope with this I mean people in Breton and addicted to EB are you gonna cope with know iam poem prize money if you don't to see in the morning try to buy second-hand pajamas Rowan Williams the Archbishop of Canterbury said that the casinos will contain imprisonments of the soul which sounds cool in the middle of the casino there's a soul prison of some I think in Superman too a gram of James brain welcome to the soul Prison will give up sessions what did 3986 people in Britain have removed last year Oh boobs yeah no it's not man boobs no it was it was fast yes it was [ __ ] that see many villagers have let a liposuction I lived for such it was almost 4,000 people in the last year chose to have like I said the thing I love about lip restructuring you always see them you know like in Bella magazine those magazines you see the doctors it's always that my horror plastic surgery stories or was out I went in for a tummy tuck and came out with a bomb for a face I mean surprise me there's so many men did it was about 5% of those people who worked late and that really surprised me because always thought a major difference between the sexes is that women are generally worried about have a look and men even the Elephant Man probably woke up in the morning looked in the mirror and when ya good how many man boobs done is a very sort of decadent kind of stage to get to though isn't it that's why when I had main done I donated them to an African transsexual the man boon statistic just through there were nineteen thousand instances of cosmetic plastic surgery that go on during the year there are 177 moves right moobs no twin and 54 moves I suppose operation to remove from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons now given their major things to do with breast surgery isn't bullying that the abbreviation for them is BAPS the statistic of this week were that all types of plastic surgery went up significant numbers of percentage points except for one which I mean more blokes have an eyelid surgery I can only imagine they're having it done to keep their eyes open one of the women are talking about commitment or something the only type of cosmetic procedure that come less popular or having your ears corrected I think getting this thing pinned back certainly no one want to do that anymore after that happy holidays I was born with what they call Battier's and the reason that my earlobes are so incredibly weird was that the statues fell out and the surgeon said oh you know I'll have you back and I'll redo that and he then died your way around by radar thanks for helping with the pain and I can't stop looking at your ears what you should do is just cover them in silver and then it looks like you're wearing earrings you have to be careful here you has to be careful because this week I discovered I don't know if you know what slash fiction is but it's basically gay faction on the Internet where they have people like you know Captain Kirk and Spock shagging each other and there's one of me and you thank you because you're the receiver it's gonna make it easier for you and the most offensive part of it is when they describe my pubes is being ginger as anything to ice award points during the secular can you do it in a press pit they don't get to make your way to the press pit now and most restraint and part of the story is when everyone else comes in and interrupts us they've invented this chewing gum supposedly that's supposed to you know help you with obesity and they doc said oh we got to this idea we came because it could apparently obese people they like chewing this is what they said but also at least people like swallowing there was a whole thing you read about the fat police by the way it's not a TV series no come back please hotlines he's dead no probably social workers who wish their own parents accountable for over feeding their kids that's wow that's it's just I mean parents of obese children are just misguided because they're trying to make their children less attractive to pedophiles they're making it harder for them to run away and Franky Hugh and Gena now we come to our final quickfire round called scenes we'd like to see this is for everyone so you could make your way over to performance area please I call her Diaz for scenarios we'd love to see in the performers come in with their suggestions okay the first subject tonight is what a TV chef would never say so that's the bird plucked and stuffed all that remains is to kill it so that's what you can do with the body now I'm gonna show you how to make a cape with the skin I'm Nigella Lawson and what I love about presenting this program is the knowledge that at home Frankie Boyle has just about ripped his [ __ ] off well here's one I [ __ ] up earlier welcome to one fat lady and here what you want to do is put a little bit of the brine mixture in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of it well these Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks if you're wondering how to get the perfect skin on your parsnips then you're mental hello I'm Delia Smith and today we're going to cook a panda in the [ __ ] jacket so I've marinated it for half an hour seared it for 15 seconds and now I'm drizzling it on my buttocks you just need two things to make this dish what you need is a takeaway menu and a phone tonight on Russian cookery cyanide polonium and the crab stuffed with explosives it's not gonna be worth the down while you're stuffing the land put your hand over his muzzle so he can't cry for his mother if you don't have chocolate chip you could just use your own [ __ ] this dish requires a little extra salt so I'm going to [ __ ] it today I've been making tacos and now I can't pull it out of the bottle I'm Nigella Lawson Frankie and there we have it I do not like a boy scouts [ __ ] the next topic is mother whose wedding so I was okay the next topic is both feet on the step I've got you it yes I have the next the [ __ ] topic you can't you can't be rushing into anything the [ __ ] dad you don't do it you don't get in say all calm down calm down down here at alert I'll just look dear sit down you sound like a chicken well bigger than me anyway this is like the star of Spartacus get me a [ __ ] spear please help if we hop in I can't either helping in any way whatsoever let me go an order of hair length [ __ ] Marlene in my Wang please don't let that be recorded it's gonna be the [ __ ] outtake all right this is please not to set the wrong tone here but on your marks no the next topic is bad things to say at the opening of the new Wembley Stadium is it just me or does it all feel a bit wobbly due to a double boot King England's first match is against simply read James Blunt welcome to the 2008 cup file so if you can all make your way to the coaches we're on our way to Cardiff and all for the same place is building a rope ladder between the Earth and Jupiter commits the bin Laden report to lost property please well isn't this magnificent some seats pointing at some [ __ ] grass think I preferred the old one and now for the naked sven-göran eriksson bungee jump now my pretty fly as you'll see the dressing rooms have been specially adapted for mass Rose things and sorry you haven't got planning permission and already there's a dog on the pitch as Tessa Jowell opens the stadium I know a Polish guy they've done this for a grand and who knows maybe here one day with the right linesman England can cheat their way to another World Cup and maybe one day with the right bunch of hooligans from Scotland these goalposts can get trashed all over again cost a hundred million pounds to demolish Wembley if you'd had your last game against Scotland we'd have done it from nothing Russell and on that's the end of the show this week's winners are Andy Parsons Ed Byrne and Russell our commiseration - Thank You Margie - Angie Lee a charade thank you for watching I'm sorry goodnight yes I may be trying to fly fairly crave I got a vortex and lift me out of the studio on the TV chef game I'd said and buy a knob of butter I don't mean eight inches of the stuff say 12 inches make yourself look better

Channel: IRON MAIDEN

Views: 2,789,062

Keywords: Mock The Week, Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Andy Parsons Dara O Brien, Russel Howard

Id: H2Qo3vDxJBc

Length: 47min 37sec (2857 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 16 2011