Mock the Week Series 19 Episode 4. Tom Allen, Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones, Thanyia Moore

[Music] i read about the things that happened throughout the world [Music] [Applause] hello and welcome to mock the week i'm dora aubry and joining this week are ed byrne tom allen and tanya moore milton jones hugh dennis and angela barnes as ever in this time of regulation our panels are all sitting with perspex devices between them because of covid and while previously we had a small audience about 1890 in the room they can't attend anymore so now our audience is entirely on zoom big hello to our zoom audience good to have you here yes we are one more set of regulations away from being a podcast we start with a round called picture of the week i show the panel a topical image and asked to tell me what's happening so what is going on here if you pull back you can see uh carrie simmons above uh just about to drop an anvil this home alone 47 someone's got a guinea pig in the secret center you can't see it but in the next door along he's mr goings is this is this dominic cummings resigning or is this just the lock down two thing that every thursday night dominic cummings stands on the doorstep and resigns for the nhs but to be fair boris boris thinks he's won but that whole box is full of lu roll i mean for once the nation truly hopes that leave does mean lee it's a weird bloke it looks like the sort of bloke who sends letters to lorraine kelly asking for pictures of her feet no do you know what he looks like no generally it really looks like no offense but he looks like somebody let the air out of darya do it yeah yes could we know what the answer is tip it's dominic cummings thank you very much yes this is dominic cummings chief advisor to prime minister boris johnson pictured during his dramatic dynasty departure this week this is the news that cummings and his ally lee kane were asked to leave number 10 with immediate effect johnson was said to have lost patience with them after a number of embarrassing leaks and reports of unflattering messages they sent about his fiancee carrie simmons so this is the picture which is i think unnecessarily christmasy he would have gone out the back door it was a photo nobody leaves their place of work holding a cardboard box of their belongings people only do in fact this is the first in a series of photographs is having taken of people doing seemingly mundane things that you actually only see in american movies the next picture is going to be him sunbathing with a reflector no one does that in real life scenes you'll only see in a movie him drinking whiskey and in this background there's a screen of children's home movies at birthday parties say happy birthday again he hasn't stopped working as he's working from home is he not yes yes he assumes that he gets reasonable internet access in his hollowed-out volcano the thing about dominic cummings i always think is what dreadful clothes i mean awful dresses he looks like he's just fallen into a rack at t.k maxx and headed off to host adventure scout it looks like every university student on the second week why why did they have to go why it was probably nicknames wasn't it they discovered nicknames on it and this is astonishing because boris apparently was perfectly happy that dominick cummings broke locked down and turned the whole parliamentary party against him and turned most of the country against him that was absolutely fine but as soon as boris found out that he referred to his girlfriend as princess nut nut it was all lit and it's not even it's not even a nickname it's the name of the lap dancing squirrel in beatrix i love that it's not you can you can destroy faith in public health but don't slag off my bird the whole princess knock-knock thing it really makes me angry because it's a thing that's been used forever when women are justifiably angry about something for men just to tell them they're a bit mad and it happens all the time my friend at her wedding got called a bridezilla by the best man because she asked him not to do coke off the present table it happens all the time and it's like you're the one you're the one who drove up the a1 with a toddler in the back to test your eyesight you mad bastard do you call her insane and then i thought she does have sex with boris johnson do you think when they get married she'll change her name to carrie johnson or is that just a job description well it's just this idea that apparently the reason he had to go is that he was briefing against not boris johnson just but he was briefing against boris and his fiancee carrie like who gives a [ __ ] what carrie simmons thinks we're not america we don't have the official first lady and even if he did she would meet his first lady by a lung [Applause] i would say like no one gave a [ __ ] with jenna thatcher thought does anybody even remember what theresa may's husband was called philip mayweather i get my news from this and have i got news for you [Applause] wait till you hear about the vaccine [Applause] no spoilers don't tell them yet i'm going to read this next week exactly as written because i think it deserves you read exactly how might all this affect the post-brexit trade negotiations with the eu this is definitely the group you should be asking that off yeah this is definitely the brains trust who should be trusted with this i have to tell you i've been coming on this show since brexit was voted for and this is the week when we change american president and we get a vaccine for coronavirus yeah i'm not going to talk about brexit i'm done i've said everything that i wanted to say about you it's interesting [Applause] can you hear that that's the will of the people by the way it is a good point just made that point that we i did three weeks um at the start of the series we took one week clear so they could do children in need one week we took off this show and in that week left trump left and they got a vaccine and you still want to talk about brexit i think nobody when the vote happened right nobody knew what it really meant they thought it was all about sovereignty and taking back control and all of that bollocks but actually it's about fishing quotas largely yeah yeah yeah and and the problem with it is that when you when they did the vote they should have made that clear it's because people are voting for different things but it's like so if you have a fancy dress party right and you just say that the dress code is risque you're going to get some people turn up as a naughty nun and you're going to get some people turn up with a strap-on yeah that is a really naughty nun as well that is a really naughty nut she's in sister act 4 that number why don't you take a new angle and just blame the fish just go into sainsbury's when we get no deal just going to sainsbury's pick up a pick up a packet of frozen fish fingers and go it's all your fault you scaly bastards i've been stuck on the m2 and we can't get any mention we've got to deal with it now haven't we we've got we couldn't go back to the eu now even if we wanted to you can't go back to the garden party after you've taken a [ __ ] in the punch they won't know who's like what are these parties you're going to nuns with strap-ons [ __ ] in a punchbowl oh my god social life is really not up to angela is standing we're going to end up with an australian style deal you know years of imprisonment what other setback did boris johnson have this week he got told to um isolate the yes he uh is i saying because uh that app remember that up jumping that up you remember that on the phone like whatever he's been dinged uh for the first time and somebody would and blew all the dust off the app because it hadn't been digged before i've said this before but i don't know why they didn't get the gaze to do the whole thing yeah because we've had grinder for ages which tells you where you're nearest and now they're telling everybody the only way you can meet up with someone is in a park i mean i don't mean to play on stereotypes [Applause] this game involves milton and thompson if you could make your way to the performance area please this round is a stand-up challenge i launched a wheel of news and wherever it chooses stop one of our formers must step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel and the first topic is days out she wants to come in that oh oh yes i can talk about days out i can't say i've ever been on a day out with anything that looks like that though i am no my favorite days out were as a kid when you were at school and you got to go uh to somewhere like lollingstone roman villa we always seem to be going to lulling stone roman villa it was quite boring because it was all about like history and we were like oh history's so boring and you get a letter home uh telling you about it telling your parents say dear parents slash guardian i don't know why the newspaper had to get involved and it would say things like um please wear suitable clothing well i've never been to a roman villa before so i just turned up in a toga and when you get there right on the day you get there you get siphoned off into little groups which are headed up by either an out-of-work parent maybe a local lollipop lady or seemingly just any old local criminal you've taken to lollingston roman villa you're quite enjoying looking around but then it's made really boring because you're made to fill out these horrible worksheets where you have to like answer questions like tell us what the lady of the house thought of the aqueduct which was not a euphemism and then the only thing that really mattered to us was spending the one pound fifty we've been given by our mum in the gift shop and the gift shop was mainly filled with pencil sharpeners with lulling stone roman villa written on them or rubbers with loving stone roman villa written on them or sometimes just a rock with lulling roman villa written on it and that was basically the highlight of the whole day now i feel like the hallmark of being an adult is the main thing you do is you join the national trust that's what everybody does don't join english heritage it's not the same they will tell you to [ __ ] off from their gravel driveway if you join english heritage national trespasses what are they you're looking around a house that you could never afford to live in it's basically a right move search that's got way out of control and really the only thing you really care about is actually the end of the trip when you get to go and have a look around the gift shop and you think suddenly history does make sense because it keeps on repeating okay thank you very much okay that leaves us with milton let's see what your topic is spin the wheel this is in any way relevant it's friends [Laughter] friends sometimes ask me why i'm training two rabbits to leap up in the air behind me and flex their ears simultaneously well i say friends i don't know if you ever get to know someone on the internet and then you actually go round to their house and spell out in balloons will you marry me and then you see their actual face and you pop the question [Applause] so recently i said to my long-standing girlfriend sit down willy ed byrne that sounds like a nasty injury i have another friend uh who works in a lighthouse he said it was very very very very very very boring until he got a slinky i've got another friend who thinks i've got attention def look at those lights and i've got another friend who really doesn't like it when they're having a shower and i try and wash a knife at the same time [Applause] our next round is called if this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories tanya which category would you like uh i'm gonna go with health please okay cool your category is health the answer is over 80. what is the question is it the age women actually orgasm the women i think we know not in my experience is it the number of valentine cards sent by dara to professor brian cox [Applause] is it is it how many post-it notes do you need if you want to go to a fancy dress party as a pangolin is it um how many politicians does it take to work powerpoint next time please next time please exercise and diet keeps him looking young but actually how old is joe wicks is the vet recommended number of lace holes if you're planning to buy your horse and dr martens lockdown uh how many of my 99 problems are actually bitch-related what is the is it what is the average age of the young conservatives in bournemouth is it how many tv appearances has tom allen made this week every time a different outfit i know right i know that's how many outfits i have i'm thrilled that you've got enough time to spend at home watching is it how many men respond to every joke i put on twitter with she'll corrections us not over 80 [Laughter] is it how many people called alistair did i invite to a book launch when i worked in pr instead of a-listers it's by law how many people must mingle outside of student halls in manchester it is uh by law um what is the speed limit if you're in a hurry it's the age bracket that will the vaccine will be given to after key workers absolutely right thank you very much tom allen very good [Applause] yes the question i was looking for was which age group would be the first in line for the new covet vaccine this is the news that pfizer announced that their vaccine has been found to be 90 effective since that news other companies have also announced the success of their vaccine trials are we all excited they say it's 90 percent affected yes i an effective babysitter that's not much consolation 10 of babies i've lost but here's the best bit the first one was 90 the second one 95 condoms 99.8 percent [Applause] and no one uses them either you might as well use a crisp packet [Applause] the femidone is very much like a shopping bag but not a bag for life oh thank you very much i noticed there was like a bit of good news and then the bbc news website waited about eight minutes and then we're like yeah but don't get too happy just remember it won't make any effect yet and it probably won't er no everybody will still be miserable don't don't get to it probably tastes horrible don't think you can have christmas because that's off the table yeah don't keep being miserable but you know what i'm going to wait for the russian vaccine because that's much less invasive they just send a bloke around your house who rubs it on your door handle it has to be kept at -70 right and you're saying they're going to keep it in like this super thermos to contain it but babes isn't that just the flask it will require a totally independent infrastructure to deliver cold goods uh and so mr whippy it is time for me to do my tv my parents told me that it was playing the music because it had run out of vaccines there's a problem because they have to use dry ice and there's a co2 shortage apparently so that that could be a problem um it's a problem for the vaccine it's also a problem for people like me who like to make an entrance into a living room it's great to be at your party later i was [ __ ] in the punch but now i'm arriving dramatically obviously you've got to give it to the old people first and then you have to give it to people who are doing important work so i reckon it should go it should go david attenborough and captain tom and then the woman who does my bikini line [Applause] you've got to let her retire she's 93. all right in that case just send captain tom round with a tub of immaculate he did he'd do it one way [Laughter] as well as they're going to use the army and they're going to use medical students they're going to use vets no administrator and you know the people at the vaccine administered by that because they're going to have a huge [Laughter] code should we check in with the zoom crowd to see if there's some credit so this is the um um all right come back guys it looks like the only person who was really smart was the lady in the bottom because she just moved her phone tom and tanya [Music] now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area i'll read at this week's topics then we'll see what our panels can come up all right here we go the first subject is things a news reporter would never say and the prime minister is just going to be arriving now i'm going to see if i can just have a quick word with him and that word's going to be wenger [Applause] and i'm reporting live from north korea because my colleagues hate me so i'm not going to tell you who i am where i am or what's happening all around me i can hear shelling why i am in a pee factory um and today um megan and harry have to be honest i don't care now the traffic news um there's a terrible mess just past junction 16 on the m4 swindon and now to find out how those peace talks are progressing we're gonna cross now to camp david oh hello and i'm just getting word now that half of the hostages have been released which can only be oh hang on sorry oh oh no half a hostage you're watching channel 5 news sorry i'm a bit dis sorry no one's no one's ever done that before have you sat on the remote the following scenes contain flash photography very flash terry's got a new camera tonight the winner of the euromillions largest ever rollover jackpot has been announced that's right read your own [ __ ] headline i don't care if you don't want to see me again it's still polite to text back darren and now back to phil collins in the studio our news readers getting too dramatic find out more next week water has been discovered on the moon very close to the spot where neil armstrong said hey buzz i'm just nipping behind this rock for a minute eyewitnesses say that the flasher bears an uncanny resemblance to gru from despicable me and emits a short buzzing noise just before exposing himself [Applause] okay the next topic is unlikely lines from kids films and tv shows and today's show children has been brought to you by the letter p and the number 45. oh one two three four gosh mr tumble you do have a low sperm cow [Applause] [Laughter] thomas the tank engine huffed and puffed as he pulled out of paddington paddington rolled over and had a post-coital marmalade sandwich can i tell you a secret said tigger i killed carol baskin's husband peppa pig great with rice in this week's horrible histories we're going to be covering 2020 oh no next up it's the world's first fully animated pornography sex toy story [Music] i don't know what happened i just joined him with a song and i lost control of the bus mummy bear said somebody's been sleeping in my bed and daddy bear said well you don't have to rub it in you [ __ ] oh look here come the seven dwarves grumpy bashful sleepy dopey crackhead nonce and [ __ ] on this week's angelina ballerina we'll be finding out if angelina can get a job in cyber hello fat controller said thomas [ __ ] you call me a grey-faced [ __ ] i really love you peter rabbit oh wait sorry not rampant rampant well we've told him it's a giant peach but the truth is james is just very very small did you know children that without rap music we wouldn't have passed the parcel music but luckily before cinderella had left the party she had left a [ __ ] in the punch bowl and the prince said whoever is art i will marry and that's the end of the show this week's winners are tandy moore tom allen commiserations to angela barnes hughes and miss and jones thank you for watching i'm gary breen good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] things [Applause] wow

Channel: Ovid

Views: 404,707

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Id: jTHiQ3oTehQ

Length: 31min 0sec (1860 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 19 2020