Mock the Week Series 19 Episode 3

[Music] throughout the world [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello and welcome to mock the week i'm darrell bree and joining me this week are maisie adam ed gambon suke ojla mark simmons hugh dennis and ed byrne as ever we record under covid limitations all of our panels are surrounded by perspex our audience are still with us because this is just before the full lockdown resumed so they're here for the last time and we have our zoom crowd as well lovely to have you here my zoom crowd big everybody plus you very good we start tonight with a round call if this is the answer what is the question on the board are six categories suk which category would you like wild news please dara okay world news it is the answer is 14 billion what is the question is it the current price of a freddo i'm not sure the regulations anymore but is this how many people can you meet outside is it in a briefing on average how many times does professor chris whittie say next slide please is it how many sperm will i waste over lock down two is it uh how many unanswered texts did doris and brian cox when they announced there was water on the moon is it how many times the james bond film's gonna be rescheduled is it uh after eat out to help out how many chili points did rishi soon as have on his nando's card is it how many children would i have if socks could get pregnant is it how many people have been missed by track and trace is it uh how old is joe biden what is the highest tier in scotland is it prince philip's car insurance premium is it how many votes will donald trump claim to have received how many uses can i get out of a single-use mask i can spell that for mia okay i'm going to move you towards the correct answer if you can please is that how much money was spent on the u.s election this year absolutely right thank you very much yes the question i was looking for was what was the estimated cost of this year's american elections this is the news of spending across the 2020 u.s federal elections almost double the amount spent in 2016 making the most expensive american elections in history now obviously let's say this we're recording this on tuesday evening just to add to the many fantastic difficulties of doing the show at the moment we're recording it when the election hasn't actually finished although we'll be broke as on thursday when it has so these questions are grammatically difficult [Applause] so my first question is have you had will have had the election that has have had had will happen and why well i'll just i'll cover a broad base uh just so we're covered uh oh that old man won and a lot of people were angry okay it's going to be terrible for trump psychologically because he'll have lost to a 77 year old and he's he he himself is 74. yes so they call it the presidential election but effectively it's the antiques roadshow if he wins you know they'll they'll accuse us of having underestimated trump but it's not that we just overestimated americans it's amazing they're spending so much more than us on elections and they still might end up with a horny blonde idiot with coronavirus there is a lot of the 40 the 14 billion which is only marginally more than the uk test and trace system but the elections will deliver our results yes which is more than the uk tests and trade system so how did they ramp up their campaigns he did four rallies in a day in pennsylvania yeah he's incredible he's got he's got an energy of a racist half his age there's something quite liam gallagher about that isn't that he just looks like he's got a [ __ ] off noel i think biden is definitely the best person to take over because he's got a lot more experience with pandemics having lived through cholera the plague and whatever killed the dinosaurs who joined joe biden on the campaign trail obama obama did yes he did yeah yeah when we see obama he threw a basketball into a net and it was very impressive he didn't just throw a basketball into a net though he he threw a basketball into a net and instantly i was pregnant [Applause] at the risk of giving you twins we're gonna show it again [Music] that's what i do that's what i do [Applause] the best thing about that as well is is joe biden at the end just you can see he's like i wish i could do that but the reality is that if you had if you had joe biden doing a sport and then being like that's what it it just him doing like lawn bowls going that's what i do do you think he took him aside after that i went well next time will you let old grandpappy get one too you're not making me look cool you think you think you should lift him up yeah you can jump now girl we're up to the last time that what's going on here he's probably going this is the actual deal i did with the devil is he going when you're famous you can just grab them by the pages is this him with a list of his outstanding sexual assault allegations i wouldn't say they're outstanding he's probably saying and then we put all these democrat votes in the shredder exactly this is him showing off the copy of the constitution that he wipes his arse on the sequel to mean girls and this is his burn book isn't him going joe biden is an ugly skank do not trust him meanwhile what did presidential candidate kanye west get for his wife kim kardashian for her 40th birthday oh this is mad a hologram of her dead dad yes you put it like that it sounds wrong i mean it's he's so arrogant that he brought back her dead dad to say that he was a genius yes this is uh this is part of the speech done by the hologram of robert kardashian you married the most most most most most genius man in the whole world kanye west not his actual words scripted for the dead man by kanye west it's the weirdest it's so mad it's summer if you were going to be speaking as robert kardashian like if i'd have made that hologram i would have made him apologize for getting oj off oh i'm sorry too soon i think though that dead dad hologram is the album david bowie never made it'd be great to win arguments i think everyone should get a hologram of their partner's dead dad it's your turn to do the washing up and if you don't believe me listen to your dead father could do more around the house be allowed to go for drinks with his friends she's a great disappointment to me don't put me back in the box don't put me back you're going back in the box mary's dad if it hadn't been for that heart attack i would have died of shame can i just say i think it's quite nice i think she should be allowed to grieve her dead dad as she as she chooses to you know i would have loved to have heard my dad say i'm proud of you you know he's not dead in other news what have dutch scientists created using a 3d printer this i think is the world's smallest boat it is the world's smallest boat yes they made it which is both they've made a nano boat which can go along in your body but the weird thing about this story is that this boat is made in the shape of a tiny tug and you think it's going through veins and stuff like that yeah it's a tiny little tugboat it's like a like a three microns in length okay over three hundredths of a millimeter i'll tell you what pretty patella is not gonna like that sneaky little boat is she oh she won't like that no she'll she'll have to hire a she'll have to hire a borrower to be a new immigration officer it's like the most literal way of having a tug and getting some semen out oh come on actually you know we're a bit more eyebrow here do you think if it thinks like the titanic and then the band plays heroically as it's going down it will be like the world's smallest violin having a really fun time a few years ago i was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but i've bottled it at the end of that round the boys now we play round call biden into my dms this game involves mark and maisie so if you could make your way into the performance area please this round is a stand-up challenge i launched the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's have our first subject please and the first day of it is lockdown wants to come in amazing uh yep as you can tell by my haircut i dealt with the first lockdown really well really really well uh what's it called business at the front where the hell's the back um i uh i spent lockdown and live with uh my boyfriend and my brother uh which is an interesting uh combination uh obviously love them both very very much i feel like i should uh also acknowledge that they are two different people by the way but uh they're two very different people in fact they couldn't be more different i was trying to think of the only thing they have in common and i realized it's that at some point in their life they have both had a bath with me obviously one was very erotic and the other one he pooed in ruined valentine's day so one of the pros of lockdown has been that we've been able me and my boyfriend we've been able to have uh our evenings back together which is nice and as a result of that there's been a lot more jiggery pokery going on and so to make sure it doesn't get bland to keep it spicy i decided to go and buy some sexy lingerie uh i say i bought sexy lingerie i went and bought a pair of knickers that matched a bra i already had but that's because sexy lingerie is expensive it's really expensive right you can tell because when you read the labels they all sound like very posh sports i decided to buy this lingerie uh took out a three-year loan to get it uh and uh do you know what it took me that long to put on i was in the bathroom for ages trying to get it on there was straps this way straps that way by the end i look like a port joint in a butcher's window but i'm there trying to sight myself up right can you sexy you said i've got a moisturizer on i've put my sexy playlist on i was like alexa play aubergine emoji playlist right i was in the zone i was like come on come on i walked in walked into the bedroom my boyfriend he saw me his jaw dropped to the floor and he went wow that is coming straight off i said it's chuffing not so this is a treat and you need to appreciate it as such when you go to a restaurant and you have the posh item you have the expensive item let's say you have the 40 pound steak tartare you don't wolf it down like a burger you take your time with it you savor it you appreciate what you're having and i i'm not a wimpy burger michael i am a 40-pound steak tartare but apparently by the time i've explained all that um the moment's gone but in fairness to him it might not be the rant that put him off because in all fairness to him he has had to get used to banging essentially a back-to-front joe exotic thank you very much amazing okay that leaves us with mark let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel and the topic is jobs so i don't really like the people who work at the train station they can be a bit annoying i went there the other day he went up to the desk i said to the man can i have a cheap ticket to london please he said it's peak time i said okay can i have a cheap ticket to london please i used to work in a cinema this one day i was supposed to start work at nine got there at 9 30. boss was angry came over he said mark you're late told me to make the time up it's okay it's nine i was on the ice cream counter guy came up he asked for one scoop and sauce i said rihanna's pregnant and my mate steve told me [Laughter] at the age of 30 as a virgin air steward working for british airways so my father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table great dad slow cook so a few years ago all of my family predicted what we thought my sister would end up doing for a living and it turns out she works for a sex chat line yep i called it my girlfriend's not very supportive of my job the other day she was like mark all your jokes are all made up rubbish why talk about something real don't know what she's on about and then got a girlfriend there you go thank you very much at the end of the day the points go to amazing come back our next line is called picture of the week i show the panel a topical image and ask him to tell me what's happening so what's going on here is he saying sorry no i said i wanted to sustain an election isn't he saying i've actually turned over a new leaf as a pharmacist uh come and get your jew vaccine flu vaccinate i thought he was saying this is actually very good anti-semitism i mean antiseptic is he's saying some drugs a class hey is he saying have you got any domestic so i've got some minions that need bleaching he's saying with these duracell batteries you can make racism allegations go on and on is he saying that whilst he believes these symptoms exist the doctor has dramatically overstated his symptoms for political reasons you can't actually see his legs but he's in boots is he the only white pharmacist in this country um do you have the correct answer that is jeremy corbyn who has been suspended from the labour party indeed thank you very much hugh yes yes there's a picture of jeremy corbyn the former leader of the opposition who suspended from the labour party this week why was he suspended because he didn't walk back his comments basically he said that when the result of the ehrc's uh findings were that they breached uh anti-semitism rules and uh his response was that it's been overstated it's been exaggerated exaggerated yes just a total look i know we're going to get grief of all the people are big fans of jeremy corbyn over this but there is an element of say sorry to your brother say sorry and uh you're you say sorry for hitting your brother i have always been against all of the attacks on my brother all kinds of things i've always spoken out again just say sorry to your brother the amount of attacks has been exaggerated right naughty step naughty step now that's essentially yeah basically put out a statement saying one thing and corbin just went nah like he might as well have just put a video out going i know you are you said you are but what am i the odd thing is that corbin has said uh he's only been kicked out for you know it's been a political intervention hmm like yeah what else did you think it was like you're a politician and the political party you're a member of booted you out because of the political statement you made of course it's political that'd be like me as a surgeon like constantly removing the wrong organs and then being struck off and going oh this has been a medical decision yes i don't know what it is recently i just see someone's put a poppy on a toby jug that's the most northern thing you've ever said what poppy on derby it wouldn't it wouldn't look out of place in calvary okay this is offensive now ed this is offensive i understand there were some offensive comments made but it wasn't to the extent that the media made it out the worry is apparently the the labour party will now go into civil war when's it and it will break into lots of little factions and things but that might be that might be playing because if the factions are small enough each faction might be able to spend christmas together hey other news what major announcement did boris johnson make this week i'll deal with less joyous [Applause] recognizing the topic but really it really didn't merit a happy text in other news um in other news what major announcement did boris johnson make this week there's going to be another lockdown there is there is another lockdown this goes out during the lockdown these are the last days of freedom we spent them making this show for you so stay in your house stay in your house and watch it i think we know what it's going to be like this time so i think that every thursday night at 8 o'clock to make ourselves feel better we should just everyone in the country go to the doorstep and go this whole thing has really been stressing me out so the other day i had a bubble bath it was just me my mum my uncle alan i'm glad it happened on halloween because then when all the local kids threw eggs and toilet paper in my house they just went straight into the stockpile i think it's great timing because uh it's november now itv2 are going to be showing love actually every night and i can just stay in and freak myself silly to hugh grant being prime minister how delayed was his briefing like it went on it was it kept getting pushed back and both little mix's tv show and strictly were delayed as a result of it it's like boris's thought was like um who who would be the worst people to make angry in this situation oh i know hormonal teenagers and menopausal women and within that venn diagram the gays and then they but like it was the whole thing of the people said you cannot delay strictly which was a real slap in the face with a little mix that is fast right that is gone but strictly no do not touch strictly i think boris just wishes he was on strictly secretly that straight strictly combines his two greatest skills uh making a fool of yourself and having affairs particularly particularly intense this year and strictly because they all have to shield together they all left in their bubble which if you can imagine it always had a reputation as building sexual tension between the celebrity and the dancer and now they do eight hours of sweaty rubbing and then they go oh well back to the hotel i suppose honestly they're going to be all over each other apart from bill bailey apart from bill bailey who will not do anything wrong we know bill bailey old friend of mine bill bailey will be there with a theremin on the edge oh take me now bill the tension is too much and they'll go no first i will do the countdown theme in the style of polka now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area i'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is unlikely things to say when running for president silence worms okay i just need to check my notes i've got so much money i'm delighted to announce that my running mate is the hologram of kim kardashian's dead death thank you once again for electing me vladimir putin president of the usa you will not find me confusing presidents with fast food outlets and that is why i have been such a long time admirer of jfk fc [Applause] as president i'll be legalizing marijuana [Laughter] ladies and gentlemen i want to be your president not for the fame not for the power not for the riches but for the fanny this week i will speak in four states angry tired psychotic medicated why should black voters trust me well if you check my college photos i even used to dress up as you guys back in the day in light of recent events uh we've decided to postpone all campaign activities it's called self-care babes look it up tax havens tax butlins tax pontins if elected i will drastically reduce the price of prosthetic limbs because at the moment they cost an arm and a leg i will not be running in 2020 i will be skipping [Applause] i can't deny i did send those explicit images but in my defense i had just had my [ __ ] bleached and i was very pleased with how it came out to the people who say that i'm too old to be president here's a pound don't tell your mom yes we can lock her up drain the swamp hands face space oh my god i can't stop speaking in threes someone please help the allegations of voter fraud are ridiculous my opponent is just jealous of my popularity with the dead i'm running for president and what do you do adviser what do you do people say i have alienated too many people to be elected president and to those people i say [ __ ] off okay the next topic is things you wouldn't hear on a cookery show sorry onions always make me cry because my mother was killed by an onion truck now it's had a lot of bad press recently but i think i can change your mind with my recipe for bat alohange if you are gonna google this recipe do be aware that uh cockovan does bring up a lot of dogging websites this recipe was passed down to me by my great-grandmother so it is a little bit racist so last week i showed you how to knock up a chicken this week i shout out to impregnate a turkey hi i'm nigella lawson and i've run out of innuendo so i'm just gonna cook this curry with a tit out [Applause] and of course you can get these from the supermarket but i prefer to grow my own haribo well they're a very sad pair of dumplings but uh they're still hosting masterchef so there is shark fin soup tada sorry now in america they call these eggplants but in the uk we simply call them chickens now we've put the pineapple on the pizza all that's left is to slide it into the bin so is it a cereal is it seafood who cares it's the world's most dangerous fusion food sugar puffer fish quar two apples sorry core2x so when my family came to england in the 60s they very early on they realized that all you need to do is package up any old [ __ ] call it authentic and white people will lap it up welcome to my new pop-up restaurant where we just make toast [Applause] and now i'm gonna roast these carrots yeah you wonky orange knobs so we just wait for that to rise for a minute and if it doesn't i'll pop another viagra it's another lockdown see what that means it's another series of cocking wild pissed today we're going to put an oven-ready meal in the microwave for too long and that's the end of the show this week's winners are mazie adam ed gamble commiserations to mark simmons judas and edward thanks for watching i'm daryl green good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Ovid

Views: 542,921

Keywords:

Id: CoP-Wcl0k-o

Length: 31min 0sec (1860 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 05 2020