Mock the Week Series 11 Episode 13 - Highlights

Brussels sprouts where they come from versus breads Brussels sprouts and my arse mainly hohoho welcome to the Christmas special hello and welcome to a very special festive edition of maka week you know around this time of year I like to look back at all the great things we accomplished certainly a lot of great memories in vegging monsoon poultry hospital reading Andy Murray into a world be here discovering that I look quite a lot like a penis sausage either great great times like this has been so good as a Christmas bonus we're going to give you two shows rolled into one there with the usual mix of outtakes on scene material and favorite moments followed by the very best Christmas clips from years gone by I hope you enjoy why will a serrano fines not be at home for Christmas I'll be dead within this surely treated us why is this beautiful he's freeze he's walking across the the South Pole for Christmas for Christmas I love that song walking across the South Pole for Christmas this reason guys this my lyrics I reckon it's going to be minus 90 at some point - 90 a popularity rating nick clegg would kill it as the most hostile environment on earth but he's clean I've been in the Weatherspoon's of breakfast time and it was his partner that came up with the idea in it it wasn't in that tear up their different his partner's not going which I love yeah we're going to go across the South Pole that winter you coming no you go I'll watch from here his partner said it's cuz he would miss out on his pension and wallet that is the worst excuse I've ever heard from the generators who who'd miss at the payor Department isn't going because MJ sort of affect his pension men because he died I imagine sitting for everything his pension is he was I read this is he gay no what no these travel focus I miss a big story somewhere on the way the wrong time we're gonna go across the Arctic we are gonna look amazing that's not that's not fur for warmth that's just a big head dress sizes people yeah people everything laughs a kind Everest he's been over both of the poles he's found the lost city of Rome he's he's taken expedition up above the White Nile you can't help thinking is everything all right at home right yeah what are you running away from he took us on that expedition we sorted things off that was a saw that apparently taken in case he needed to saw his fingers and his pessimism isn't it you can actually get better than that if I was actually I was in Siberia not that long ago minus 52 degrees right and it was so cold we were told we were in a tent if we went outside for a piss right we had to shake as we pissed cuz otherwise it was gonna freeze back onto our penis what well I'll tell you that was a hell of a quick piece nothing find you more than you thinking you might get frostbite of the penis which is when I was quite grateful I've still got a foreskin because I figured if I did I'd still have a little bit to lose anyone else mess to come out of a tent in the morning and see like a sculpture of kind of half-ass dangerous ah he won't get further away from the time yes it's Christmas time and we hope you're all enjoying the season home as much as we are here October but now the past people that we don't try harder to be festive on this show to the Dixie we're going eczema we decided by - the Christmas presents abso let's do it everything god I'm Chris I'm just going to go to you first but hey and yeah and well my first present is for I've bought everybody bit of headgear that's for hue still gonna put it on you get put on yeah that'd be nice you know it's Christmas Day but I do that menu because Hugh is our captain darah and denotes captaincy he's the captain I know the captain Azizi no seniority no no point I'm also gonna be in fantasy what's it what a dog it looks more like being a remake of the Village People oh come on for Andy Andy I got a it's like going out in public people have to use stuff oh boy then why did disguise so he can disguise himself so nobody will know it's Andy nobody will be able to tell it's him yeah Dhara I just got lovely hat oh and fame to wear it's a lovely hat it's a normal-sized hat for a normal-sized head completely in other news what is going on here is Andy Murray stupidly about to post his got medals where's anymore anymore he is in dumb Blaine in Scotland this is his homecoming after winning the US Open which was a surprise to me as I had no idea he played golf and hi a man who actually came along to us to ghost didn't yes indeed yes long after he'd lost Wimbledon yeah and then after we'd all taking the piss out of him yeah he went off any1 the Olympics and he won the US Open I think all sports people are struggling should come into the audience let's get Paula Radcliffe Phillip sudo whoo Nick Clegg it'd be brilliant when they had one of those those golden letter boxes in done Blaine's being Scotland they didn't paint it they just covered it in batter strangers there are a lot of teeth missing now the shape is this this is good time if you can keep that picture it's a good time to get my only contribution to this because I'm an adult I'm 44 years of age dad's the same with this is net weird here is done yeah do you think that woman there the one just to Israel how do you think she feels about being dressed as a post pop sure it's not the top med hey I'm glad Scotland have got a new hero because look far-left Rod Stewart's let himself go that time is called newsreel we play in a recent piece of footage featuring people the news and ask you to suggest what might be being said this week it features a royal family will think you're there to go what a terrible weight has been Christmas morning please pop into the palace oh god no your majesty is staying for Christmas lunch but if so is the menu may I recommend the chicken nuggets on page four no I'm afraid not we're going back to the palace for a turkey pot noodle noodle is little God Luke he's brought me a bloody wine list I'm brim full of sherry infect I'm person for this there's no escape please did you see the pot noodle was Turkey I do preferred Osprey now I know expense the debt looks to me far too small and it's full of holes you especially the real one - is much bigger and solid this is how interesting you will do medicine care to look at the keel yes I'll go with it is it is there a lavatory on here you see absolutely room full of eggnog Gregor to me your name and who's up there they didn't do that did they I'm not sure I can hold on much longer must be a loser excuse me is there a lavatory onboard this boat assess it in a moment I'm gonna have to go over the side the photo yes I use a very long lens somewhere no come on babes it's in there I used to use the yellow prison watch it here we go hang on oh oh life on the ocean we got there just in time Lee's new record as well I was in there for 20 minutes so it was actually a lavatory but anyway I started so I finished Hey oh look at the years hello sauces anyway I hate protestors Scott I tell you what I think one of them may have superglue by hand into my eye with my pocket I can't move my hand will come out Merry Christmas well actually Dhara I got your present because you're the main man take a lot of abuse I hope you don't feel patronized but it's Angela's Ashes growing up in Ireland yeah thank you very much I'm glad you cleared your cocaine out of the book who are arming themselves with rifles and pots of Nutella is it the loose women don't need them it's the people that are killing the Badgers will be my sounded more sad the most hot is the people taking the Badgers it's the people killing the badges because Badgers apparently give cows TB yeah cows Badgers Badgers cows that may be - black and white black and white now but black and red all over okay that's wrong because of the pawn or because the poor Badgers at I can't work your mood that bro in my tea he's against the budget even against the budget I see why I can't use he's only gonna walk through the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hairless what was the name of his organization weed Queen yeah it is organizations called Nigel it's called team badger whose initials spell TB the reason he's protecting Badgers is because judging by that picture he owns the world's largest imagine even a a badger of destiny that badger egos I'm above such tired I see 400 if you see a land where Badgers and man can find me he also sees in that photo good to be on the Zimmer frame so it's really not looking for Bryan that's weird all wrong kind of about this story though is the fact that to attract the Badgers out so they can shoot them they are they were taking them out with Nutella and peanut butter which must be really difficult for people who live locally who want to live healthily right so they go to the doctor the doctor tells them to go on a diet go for a nice walk they go for a nice walk and the fields of full of Nutella we're going to get any exercise at all I'm the only exercise I get is licking the grass anybody you find Nutella to be so compelling a dish then he's got smeared on some grassy field you go lovely snack time anything else made on the grassy field taking your chances there long again one day I'll get there what about the badges at then command are waiting for the toast he's is a lot of spread yeah they want to they want to kill three thousand yes that's why they were killed and I was I was just wondering what they're going to do with them afterwards because I'm a sort of part-time taxidermist and I really fancy having a badger army I would love to think of you Jo buried with your badger are just your coffin in the middle and radiating outwards a badger army in separate poses ready to attack a different point you embalm did not have yes if you call too many badgers you'll just for some underground anyway do what celebrities accept interest from the rest of Dixon right there is the Dickson Wright stepped in George she says she said false I've got a present for you team reps I thought I'm really sorry it is socks it's boring but they're not ordinary socks they're DVT socks I'm very worried about how little you move around and I don't wanna normally have to worry about ya be on a long-haul flight you'd have to worry about it but I haven't seen you walk for well since 2005 I've also got a present for a creek here look at ways really a present for us more than anything yeah it sounds all night it's just a game where you put that on you just put that on okay and then for the long period you so look like John McEnroe you want your deed and for the long periods of the show when Dhara doesn't bother to look at us or talk to us well you can just play like Christmas ever it looks like a dire straits video gone wrong you go oh eventually what the promo this is just like my school days only now I'm like why were they pressed into London megabus stuff by the police on the motorway this week just a usual reason this was the story where the passenger reported seeing some smoke coming out of some other passengers bag thought it was a bomb turn there it was a fake cigarette that was producing the water vapor now let's face it if you've been pulled over loads of police have arrived you've got guns in your face you're being accused of being a terrorist that's not going to help you give up smoking is in I might be freaked out by megabus oh yeah it's not the weirdest thing in the world nothing against the bus service itself but when you dry legging you drive a lot time in the motorway go to gigs like the back of the mega bus when you're driving along like for those you have it on the pleasure that's you get these times you just get hypnotized by that's weird many things that have their first why does that matter such large breasts I was staring at that man's breasts coming safe what kind of where did he go for 1 pound I thought you'd have to count as Megabus tied village and address there to put plus of 50 P bucking fears if people are going to go wow that's a ripoff I think I walked in here with this to be transported to a faraway are you won more money after you screw you megabus family yellow mom with enormous personís to buy the character I know that when you're disappointed you don't go I am disappointed go through the irritating with us for the entire in my ear constantly people going where the hot where the hot where the hot idea to get me a yellow hat because they think I look like the that means that that man looks like a penis das English yes they should grow a penis sausage calm or something else is already good just business up to try and make everybody forget that you look like a penis so just say [ __ ] like a penis sausage in a yellow hat ownership of the joke now got another new Twitter avatar I know you've probably got one decent round of applause still left in you we may bled it out but I really would like to open the crystal thing to people going oh holy [ __ ] how popular staggered on oh man is he ever unpopular for sure thing how many Nick Clegg's as it takes to change a lightbulb who's Nick Clegg yes knock knock who's there Nick's leg Nick clang hello that's showbiz there my surname was Delaney I'd name my son little boy who lives down it's quite depressing that you've got a better joke about my name than I thought and after beautifully hitting that high nope nope I'm sorry you thought that was it after beautifully hitting that high note look at the big smile on posh spice you're right okay you ready yes would you do it are you good fine I'm gonna do it like that like that it's alright first test was a bit more coffee okay did you enjoy the Olympic Games Eisley okay we need you to walk in again because apparently I am Andy and Andy you're walking in with [ __ ] yeah who are these two and why are they in the news this week who are these two it's quite beginner that's I I do night man you like me can I go home and die rubble there any of that of the Olympic opening ceremony Irish rebel songs yeah well we got a great age really weird if he's opening a man going a man has stolen no young our next round is called newsreel we play in a Rick who just shut the [ __ ] up was that for me no all of them at the end of his all right sorry we let it get to the [ __ ] mic well this is the news of Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make us a better known to voters embracing his geek image and comprehensive school education so it's gonna make it more appealing no okay you know what will make it more appealing standing up next to a big pile of [ __ ] yeah yeah ok ok house actually let me just I'll just do this you're testing it you're liking this yeah oh yeah too hot for TV yeah Oh Christmas Happy New Year on kabocha yeah watching the paralympic sailing and quite boring until I realized I was actually watching a repeat of three men on a boat whose famous face was recently given a makeover is this Jesus story this is the Jesus story this is like this Spanish woman who tried to restore this painting and just ruined it she did wear with suppose yet it was in I was in Spain it was in Spanish the Spanish ladies are yes do they do dance where he was invalid Gotha it was in the made the sanctuary church in the villa gossip and the authorities were very cross with her because the only people are allowed to touch up in a Catholic Church of course the priest yes it was a church a the sector of Mercy Church in near the LaCava and there is a century oh really put Spain to life for us now you have to make an effort for foreign aid you can't just be dick heads and and you say para do you that I got that not a wanker so yeah but I could a let's see but on it goes Mexican incredibly quickly the first County Church in the end or that these frescoes I'm incredibly beautiful they call it le coop is more anyway do the first go to church is not over where's the first gun church chickens I'll go but if it turns out I gotta go how old is it it was century was a hundred years old hundred years oh what a story this is a hundred year old thinking on a war week telling off it is there a sleepy town I think it's much more the case that it was it that it was decaying because of where it had been painted right and so this is how the fresco looked originally this is actually tefillah could have taken some years ago nice images is the frescoes painted by Elias Kathy Martinez Oh Becky harm girlfriends right this is how it looked just recently because the plaster on which it was built had to Kate right so this is Howard Larry so any nice old lady and I valid often lady waiting and repainted it and just touch it just bit up and this out looked when she finished very great job of it here's one ocean chin area lady I'm sorry we cannot return your painting thank you very much for sending its goes because they're painting on a wall in its go ahead yeah she made Jesus look like a Teletubby so she also rounded him off as well my shield around you the whole thing she thought I should done a really good job ler because everyone that she showed it to when Jesus Christ completely fair we don't actually know what Jesus looked like ah yeah I'm gonna listen in the Bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job sup I never assess if you had any work done Jesus sorry my fruit how good all the way around she's seeing the restorer next week you see because she's got to tell the restorer exactly what material is she you do that and your figured all she's going to produce is half a potato the irony is she is probably older than the [ __ ] fresco I've got your message oh it's nothing fat for you is in fact her for your 16th month old son and I've gotten my little outfit I hope you like it and it's in fact it's a total Megabus manners dress up like his dad the penis sausage Oh what creepy weird did you feel from the lighting Research I can't believe you throw it back in my night so I'll give you a spectacle thank you very very much a mystery touching I look forward to never seeing any child of mine because they're not getting any the megabeth Empire no his MA from one pound only could make a puss in part I've got a gay act going strong he's the captain I'm the mega must be who rides and who difficult oh you can happen of the mega bus wait this that my child's heart okay the first subject is unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch so now we go back to the kidnap of Lois Spence police are repeating if you have any leads please keep them to yourself and now crime watch appeal lenders a tenner don't have nightmares in fact don't go to sleep at all in case somebody breaks in and murders you police described the man as looking a bit like a penis a bit like a sausage and armed with a buzzer a woman appears to have robbed a dairy farm making off with a bin bag filled with cottage cheese oh no Kim Kardashian's got leggings on do not approach this man he is a professional counterfeiter he even has the certificates to prove it and now a new program spring crime watch bigger budget ranks the bastard Lee tried to kill it hello and welcome to crime watch he's a crime let's watch police say do not approach this man he has an iPhone 5 and will not shut up about it and we're just getting news that the superglue prankster is still on the loose the case was closed in 1974 and police have never reopened it mainly because they've forgotten the combination police have described the man as being about six-foot tall curly brown hair blue shirt looks a bit gay they on yeah did you see a policeman knock over a newspaper seller no you didn't this reconstruction starts with some sad piano music never a good sign ism have you seen anyone acting suspiciously you're probably watching Hollyoaks do you recognize this man neither to be I'm not gonna be able to protect you do do you recognize this man neither do we but apparently is been on Celebrity Big Brother I think that was worth it don't you oh hello oh hello I shall Mattoon you're gay correct please have no idea where Mario Balotelli is but they're working on the theory that he's disappeared of his own ass well normally that's where the Christmas special would end but not this year no stay tuned for a look back at some of the funniest ones from get this our previous Christmas specials do you enjoy Christmas do you like the holiday season why isn't there any decoration on the side knowing with ridiculousness without any decoration boys nothing that's just a bit like Christmas boy they're miserable Scott is good to do now this should be the opening of the Olympic ceremony what do you enjoy the vibe here Christmas it's like the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan except every third person is a woman puking into handbag people queuing to get into Yates's wine Lodge that sums up Christmas you're queuing to enter somewhere [ __ ] just just women who are praying for the invention of the morning-after Bacardi Breezer you make Christmas specials a lot differently than we do in this joy this is the most miserable Christmas thing I've ever been about this is my worst Christmas and now we come to our special Christmas quiz I ask the panelists series of questions all about the festivities in the hope of filling five minutes we're trying to get a bit of our Christmas special so teams here we go first question what Christmas tradition was there a low note there are no buzzers oh boy this show is not built in any way to recover the genuine quizzes but nonetheless [ __ ] ticket er which Christmas tradition was inaugurated by Sir Henry : 1843 is it the Christmas tree it did not the Christmas tree arguing with your relatives no it's not that we need Rama French no is it a holding mistletoe above your head and therefore being allowed to sexually harass other people it is not that happy tradition now is he waking your children early saying to them it looks like the sleeping pills have worked Happy Easter is it going to church just once a year and that's usually at midnight after the pups load because you want one more glass of wine man you really want to be desperate for your way when yes there's something to bring a bit of a a meeting i sat through god I wanted another drink is it Christmas stocking that's not Christmas stocking that's a Victorian tradition were you trying to mine something there for us it was Christmas card yes well do that burn points for him you promised us to be no point named Santa's reindeer I'll take attempt at this Donner and Blitzen correct Fred sir and vixen gets to eat Dasha yes three guys doing it do it n sir but not Rudolph's that's a lie we've had what we had I've got I've lost father god bless and not make it easy some Sasha comet bashful sleepy Dakin if one's called comic one's gonna be called Curry's all wrong dancer Prancer comet vixen Cupid cute keeping OB said cubed kicking his name from reindeer Cupid they must have teased him though I with a name like that they must have teased him he must have been the reindeer that they teased obviously shallow in fairness if you if there's a story about Rudolph is anything to go by reindeer a ridiculously shallow yeah we'll make fun and they will slag you off until you get a job with Santa and then they will all love you the last time I thought you liked me and then Rudolph - Ramona lemon said well [ __ ] yous I'm with Santa now everyone why did you look at my ass for the L we want to throw the entire word while you look at my oh good night it isn't how fast we fly that's all you're gonna say ho ho ho Yahoo series my hairy reindeer ass that nose is in the front [ __ ] noses fighting fog where you're looking at my ass Cupid enjoy your reindeer games oh I'm sorry I'm a festive enough for this so I might like striking the mood in the nation of this food Olivia pictures look at that I see you baby shakin that ass yeah what honor was the actor Nicolas Cage given this year are Nicolas Cage right he's he's actually going to be able to turn the Christmas lights on in bath this by the way aren't the lights in bar this is apparently what happened was are the lights and Dundee some somebody somebody actually put a note through his door he's got a house in bath and he's agreed to turn on the lights I put a note through Gerald Cole's door and apparently that's a matter for the police it's not only is it incredible that they've got necklace cage to do it but also there must have been an incredibly uneasy phone call to body chuckle sorry by Nicolas Cage's to him leave him a partner in action movie woody Knox 8 Vin Diesel by ton and rain quickly with a plank starts really oh what about this story this is genuinely true until last week I was doing it really and then from nowhere a cage just shocked all my relatives like join us to sort him out no I don't want you deserve look around the restaurant because you were written up for the part of face off as well weren't you like and what's really funny about it is the lady that posted the letter through the door it's the exact lady they weren't always lovely to do it you'd be great and then I read in the paper without even tentative big Nicholas yeah big about ten years ago I switched on the Christmas lights and Kidderminster and ER because I've been there are Christmas lights and Kidderminster yeah we chose to do this yeah we had Bruce relish robach Kidderminster on television got a letter from the Kidderminster tourists for whatever say would you come and switch on the Christmas lights oh you think that'd be great I'd love to do that but you don't actually do it because what they do is they give you one of those enormous pretend switches right and you have to kind of go like this but on a balcony to a crowd below and you're going to go and we're going to press the thing now and you press it and as you press it a bloke in a room behind turns on asleep so you're not doing it because I'm hanging a minute so that that blokes gonna be me right so you asked to do it because you were rude a bit I was rude about getting missed I also did a joke once about Wolverhampton and got invited on a tour of Wolverhampton I'm actually Norma I'm thinking big enough if I slag off Jessica Alba do I get a tour of Jessica Alba apparently apparently breastal wanted to have Bruce Willis switching on their lights but then they remember that he tends to get a lot of trouble around Christmastime okay John story story during the week is you met you may not see when it was a story in Ireland the evening Herald in Dublin last week and got a kind of movie stories but Alzheimer's disease oh it was yeah and the story basically was being a big head maybe good for you so I just found that large headed individuals with Alzheimer's have better memory and thinking skills as sufferers with small heads all which is is quite interesting yes paragraph I found difficult to take people would large an average heads like comedian Britany better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease that study suggests now that would be alright if order for that like the article actually came with a giant photograph of me Ricky underneath us make them to seat a Spurs extra-large : report is good news for John we're not good news because I suddenly realized I've got a big sorry cactus from the Alzheimer's back in Canada I did some modeling it was for medical it was you know dysfunction it was that before-and-after picture this food I can't go get what I didn't model I don't model for big head whatever is having a large I don't differently buying hats I don't have to be getting into jumpers cause me know when did those three guys get here prepare a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem it causes the owners mother a problem Heather do you ever see Dora then we hips for God's sake your head is smaller than your hips same are you your penis don't hit Dora Dora but it's a little smaller than your hair Dora Dora coming oh you're weird look at me I'm going to tell you to a Hall of Mirrors and show you how you should look your head is absolutely enormous in fact on a normal-sized head that would be a full head of hair oh are you not staying in my house tonight when door opens an umbrella it's like one of them little cocktail of them supporting context how big it is Daria has its own gravitational field is pulled in an entire planet desk restraint when we start I was expecting sympathy that's why I introduced something availed a weakness in front of six comedians and I thought there's a group that'll help me think of you all the friends I don't think of you as comedian our next line is called news really play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask you to suggest what might be being said this week's clip features David Cameron right well they said this was the place to go for the world leaders Christmas party but doesn't seem to anyone around this a little bit strange so my older look a long corridor lots of cameras oh my god I think I may be entering the Big Brother house got the housemates I wanted Stacey Solomon the NBL and H from steps a Merry Christmas everybody I'm angular Bavaria's next big model there's the eyes yes I used to be a world leader but not anymore now I've come to read the meter it's over there oh boy how are you oh my god even the Chinese are taller than me start wearing colors ears I tell you a secret I'm already wearing appendage sit you'll enjoy this look at that see that's one of our riots yes yes hey big fella how are you doing yeah Merry Christmas how was it you yeah well he wasn't bad Hexy can I tell you a highlight of mine I personally tracked down and killed the world's most wanted man Osama bin Laden yeah there was no footage release because I did it on my own yeah I did yeah that's me yeah so is anybody given you a Christmas Box well unfortunately no is hoping to get one with Nick Clegg's head in it but yeah that's me I got a psalm oh yeah yeah I killed him BAE bare hands yeah no joke yeah yeah that's me someone has dropped this curtain on me but from where I'm not gonna drink any of the chat which I think David Walliams might have been swimming in it say well it was me bare hands one one blow presence I want a stepladder yep it's Ben Kingsley isn't it nobody to see you I miss the Cameron come over and sit down here yes please make yourself comfortable well thank you very much yes I think there's great scope for cooperation between our two nations I think we can move forward together in the future and if I can say just one thing to you symbols my dad used to work for Qantas he was cabin crew and the best thing my favorite thing I've ever heard I think about Christmas is that he was so every second Christmas is kid my dad was awake he was flying that was the way it worked with Qantas and this one particular year he told me that they were flying on Christmas night and the middle of the night the captain the pilot called him basically called him up and said listen in about five minutes I'm going to ask you to turn all the lights up because everyone was asleep so he went you're all right he said don't ask just do it so five minutes my dad turn the light so everyone woke up and the captain came on and said ladies and gentlemen sorry to wake you another night but we've had a special request on the radar it's a special person flying around the world tonight who wants to come on board so if all the kids are awake he's coming down and he's coming down and then the pilot just jiggled the joystick and the plane wouldn't even he just landed and then out of the cockpit came Santa and did the whole lap of the aeroplane gave out presents to all the kids and going went back into the cockpit and then the captain said now we have to give him a bit of a run up so I'm going to speed up a little bit and he actually pulled like push forward on the engines and all the kids just went oh one the Qantas planes got a big hole in that would be that would be an amazing way to hijack a plane wouldn't it just take over the sun-tap yeah it's Christmas is over I've got six presents for you here trying to bring some Christmas joy okay what commodity has been snapped up in enormous quantities this week chocolate not quite chocolate chocolate means there's a businessman I was named I don't know he owns 7% of the world's cocoa beans yes one miss rebounds 7% of the world's cocoa beans all he needs is a glass elevator and simple numbers it is a sort that will explain economics to people who are a bit more of a banks and didn't really get what was going on if you saved them one guy bought all the chocolate and now the chocolate is going to be more dear and they've got to disgrace I know imagine if somebody did that would like gold or property they won't do that they have I just wonder how often he spends annoying his friends and co-workers and his underlings who have to laugh at him because he's the boss just going good ask me how I am ask me ask me how I am how are you full of beans what he was doing in the diary you'll appreciate this was getting a head start on his on his competitors there hasn't been that much chocolate hoarded since Eamonn Holmes was getting ready for the World Cup game is this a thing about 5.3 billion because if a Khaleesi bought tuned 41 thousand tonnes he has I can really fit on your head you knew this 5.3 billion corner a billion I'm shocked to hear this I in the middle of your own sister believe I let you on and I finish the pointers going to make right a part of the I think you've probably got loads of sentences like a star you probably think this is going to finish after the show I think you'll never mention that again and then is the public won't mention to me either you will get on from there I will crush your entire head Oh Terry is it your job or in Eclipse why you studied astrophysics so you could understand yourself yeah [ __ ] your heads making Christmas Story heartwarming July 4th the know there was a Christmas dinner I think was it Christmas or the day after Stephen's Day as an owner of boxing Tahir and it was three generations of one side of the family granny uncles aunts kids and people started telling jokes and you know they're all like you know what Liza's bombed a nervous wreck all these kind of cracker type jokes and then my cousin was a couple I was about 11 because with 12 13 he said I've got a joke and they said what's a joke and he said what's pink and hard and you rub it in the bathroom hey what's up because it all the album pour that and all because he was the eldest cousin I think and so everyone below him and this is a teaser and and there's a pause and he goes a bar of soap all the kids words let's open our have screen for start and that could be nish except his dad my uncle then for some crazy reason when that's not the real answer first cake I ever told my mother was and I was about eight that's the thing I didn't understand it I said how did you get to Shepherds Bush up the Shepherd's leg we sort of ignored it how would one London shop be getting into the festive spirit early are they going to be selling really big hats No what's going on here uh-huh that's fantast is it an elk shagging a nesting box as a tree got Dutch elk disease it's the it's very Christmas it's that bloke in the corner saying I'm sorry Rudolph no that's that's an automatic been on the freight Rudolph's survived the crash but unfortunately Santa really doesn't exist anymore the moose you know is it if there was hoping you had an elk because he was drunk wasn't he yeah he was either drunk white moose and he got a terrible hangover so I was hoping to say how did it get rid of the hangover alka-seltzer ute is a Moose's el famoso sense this is that it doesn't work the back is the elk going you're right Brian I couldn't jump over the trees the Moose is saying I'll come quietly officer well reasonably quietly I don't leave ever heard a moose come before but it's not so difference between a moose and an elk anyway you know if you can tell that's not an elk I'm not an old that is a moose I can't tell if it's a booster I'm not going well in my long years of doing the Norwegian spring watch Odie oh sorry this just in there the same thing that's too nice yeah what'd you say don't give these people it's easy yeah can I just tell you have that thing gone over its hangover then yeah alka-seltzer yeah in other news who's in line for a Christmas number one this is the hope he's going to be releasing a record the away from Geffen Records who are his his record company said the Pope has got almost a lullaby tone to the way he sings you sure you can clean up sleepin Seaford or the Santa Claus Nick's coming Nick come on it's gonna be a very popular record though isn't it it's not just gonna be Christians you're gonna want to buy it everybody is gonna want to buy it cuz those who aren't Christians are gonna want to play it backwards to see if there's a different message well maybe they just meet me by the bins make me buy the bin here it's mean about the bins Oh made me banned the bins combine it and I think we should record that that's actually quite good if rap let's do that let's rifle him let's do a Mock the Week Christmas song and see if we can't get it to number one will the lyrics have to be meet me by the bins meat we can provide the river it's what we did making a Christmas album when we could clean up with a calendar he bails oh my god don't give up the nipple you don't show the nipple that's the jute you got to hold that right I'll let you're a secret I've got to let me see these Scaramanga is amongst us yeah [ __ ] your nipples are incredible size of them hey my little italy always we can secure fingers now oh do small anti-clockwise Antiqua oh yeah we're giving you one month just as a bit of a teaser here and the other one you have to buy I'm afraid yeah we're finally getting you addicted to the heroin with his nipples holding the gravy from there in here yeah why where will you be will you be like you know sitting behind a piano or something or maybe you know what put me on top of the piano like The Fabulous Baker boys I see I see Dora as a sort of a farmhand just just lots of uh [ __ ] about you girls go yeah very artistic and my artistic it could be like Munch's the scream and it's just you completely naked yeah is that my [ __ ] out here on a bridge in Norway Merry Christmas everybody okay the next topic is unlikely things to hear at Christmas I'm afraid granddad's dead he fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix sounds unlikely Busey under the surface very strong currents it's time to drain the 25th vegetable in our advent calendar bad news son Santa's just sent a text apparently he won't be able to make it until after the sales have started your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas so I've chained her to the Argo Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty children of Tottenham and Croydon oh this is embarrassing dirty the smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train so he's brought you a toy replacement bus service um these are just flattened pieces of cardboard this is just an Xbox no no no no no that we is yours darling it's not granny's no granddad you kiss under the mistletoe not the cameltoe I haven't got you a present grandma cause daddy promised you'd be dead either we've been burgled or all dad's got us for Christmas is a big poo in the middle of the carpet now got a Christmas presents early this year I looted them in August we're turning the Christmas lights on in March they're energy-saving bulbs they should be ready by September so I've rubbed goose fat on these so if you put your bra back on grand don't worry about the cold anymore as a jumbo sausage Rose means I've eaten the Wii controller I better watch out you better not cry better not shout I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town aids have an incredibly long drive the last thing I need is a [ __ ] off you two I like I have to succeed Merry Christmas I Lizzy cannot find it in my heart Merry Christmas you

Channel: nick fulham

Views: 1,107,756

Keywords: Mock, the, Week, S11E13, Highlights, Outtakes

Id: 6DbS1VB8HGo

Length: 58min 58sec (3538 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 04 2013