Kenn Kington

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] it really is great to be here tonight how many of you are here tonight raise your hands because you guys looked around us okay yeah me too oh man how many of you this is funny the only the eighth time I'm going to tell you raise your hands how many you ever heard the phrase you can be anything you wanna be have you heard that what a crock that turned out to be I wanted to play in the NBA turns out I'm short I'm slow and I don't jump Wow not a good resume my best friend in junior high he goes dude I'm gonna be a model dude you're ugly except the privilege a few years to go to do an event with the NBA I actually met Shaquille O'Neal guys huge and I literally walked out sort of dying laughs and my friend said what is so funny I said what if they don't Shaq that you could be anything you want to be no he can't what if Shaquille O'Neal's dream in life is to be a professional hockey poor horses me think about it we can't be whatever we want to be tell me your name real quick I won't embarrass you Brian what do you do Brian a programmer analyst see you are not a kid sitting there going oh the computer I love analyzing this I want to pay this one day were you you didn't do it did you know she's done work tell your name rich what do you do rich you're actuary you didn't dream it out as a kid did you please say no thanks ray it's love to analyze numbers a lot for those of you know an actuary is it's basically an account without quite as much personality okay I'm gonna give you a chance to just give it back to me if you could do anything and get paid for it what would you want to do anything and get paid an astronaut that's kind of a cool job that's a good job way out there but it's a cool job your maid let me have one of the women here if you could do anything and get paid for it what would you do a doctor see you guys will come up with like really noble things I'm thinking about like I get paid to fill in the blank quote I get paid to play linebacker you'd be an athlete see that's still like a real job though just sit around out I would get paid to nothing see that's what I'm going for leave me alone man I'm working overtime see that that would be cool how many these ladies would like to get paid to shop clap your hand my favorite ever was sleep love that the alarm goes off pulling a double shift there's a lot of jobs to choose from there's a lot of jobs I would not want to have now how many of you raise your hands have ever in your life worked fast food of any kind raise your hand right on these are my people yes it amazes me the hard time people give fast-food workers I was on the road a few weeks ago this guy's ream in this poor little girl dude she's making $3 a day okay you know you paid $2 you got food in the bag be happy but I didn't say anything you want to know why I didn't say anything because I used to work fast food and I don't know what was on there when it went behind the counter but he's not gonna want what's on there when it comes back just a warning and then there's some jobs I couldn't do and do they have road construction here these guys make like 10 to 15 bucks an hour they're on the each end of residential road construction with that sign they sit there for 10 hours stop snow [Applause] see I couldn't do that job because after about an hour I would start messing with people stop stop [Applause] these guys wear hard hats I'm not sure why I saw one job that I would love to do if I ever couldn't do stand-up I would love this job I'm on an on tour in Phoenix Arizona in Phoenix Arizona guy picks me up with a convertible we're riding over the Camelback Mountain so I said this is so cool I said what are you doing it rains he says it only rains twice a year I take my other car I said that is so cool that night I performed I went back to my hotel I'm flipping through the channels I come to the news and on the news in Phoenix Arizona where it rains twice a year they actually have weatherman [Applause] let's go to Ken in the Weather Center forgive the map here noticed we live in a desert go out on a limb and say it's gonna be hot tomorrow let's take a look at the five month forecast tell you the ultimate job I could not do though I could not be a flight attendant I flew two hundred and thirty flights last year I love flight attendants greatest people going could not do that job one day of having to stand by that door and having to go okay okay the part I really couldn't do is that that announcement that they were acquired by FAA ball to do every flight to snap vector attention to Candy's gonna show you how to fasten your seat belt okay to fasten okay if we happen to be in a crash and you cannot figure this out you deserve to die I'm really sorry and if we lose cabin pressure and there's a bright yellow oxygen mask swinging in front of your face you cannot figure out breathe your DNA does not need to be passed on because there's too many choices in life there's way too many choices in life aren't there I think the reason we struggles we get more choices than any generation in the history of the world if you doubt that just let me ask you this when's the last time you sat in front of your TV with a remote control and went through 99 channels and there was nothing on watch [Applause] trying to come over reality TV that's the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard of reality TV they started out with a show called the real world do you remember that one it's actually in a remake now on MTV that's how old I am I remember an MTV show of music on it the real world where four guys four girls lived in a rent-free apartment on the beach with no responsibility where is that the real world I did not see one box of ramen noodles in that entire part so they're trying to make it more real they started a show called Fear Factor you've seen that one where you do insane things and eat bugs and just like it's a double dog dare constantly that is based on reality it's based on junior high school okay then they got the one where they got the two tribes and everybody's so excited let's work as a team and we're gonna tell you walk away and then nobody stabs you in the back do you know now yeah that's based on high school okay and then there's my wife's favorite I do not get the show The Bachelor let me just say this guys if you are sitting on your couch waiting for a limousine to pull up to your house with 25 hot intelligent incredible women that are all in love with you you can make out with all of them and none of them care it's not real [Applause] we have useless choices everywhere there are useless choices I've got two little boys the other day I'm at the grocery store they like daddy can I that's gonna have this I looked at it a little tube of candy but now about two years now I looked at it mini M&Ms have you seen these why why did we need that choice I mean who are people eating the regular ones going oh dang I can't finish a whole [Applause] sure wish they make these smaller how many of you use deodorant on a regular basis I was about to get freshly I went to get the owner my whole reason for using deodorant don't want to sweat instinct that's it I ended up I couldn't find my I'm looking I'm like I can't find my ended up counting 52 different kinds of deodorant 52 guys I'm about to get mad cuz I can't find my one this girl and boyfriend walk up I kind of backed off she goes well here's your kind here's our time he's like I know I don't like that kind of more do it she replied I almost laughed out loud she goes I'll try a different flavor mr. package' wait I wanted to see her God [Applause] so I figured what the heck I'll see if there's anything to this I bought my two favorite kinds Alpine and ocean myths next day I'm flying to California to do a gig and I figured what the heck I put Alpine under one arm and ocean mist under the other totally forgot about it I get to California get to my hotel get in the elevator this guy looks like he just walked off the beach he gets in with me we start going up after about two floors he starts going okay and he's like do you go alright he's like man I don't I don't know why but I got the sudden urge to go surfing on a pine tree and I can't too many useless choices we've got so many choices that it's just mind-boggling how much it just bombs us down doesn't it how many of you've been to the video store with a friend or a family member and gone through the entire store going you wanna see this no I've seen that I've seen that you wander around for at least two hours you end up running a video neither one of you want to watch by the time you get home it's too late to watch the whole thing you spend a couple days you end up returning the video late that you didn't want to see in the first place the only thing worse than that is that guarantee within the last month you've been in a car and you've had the conversation so where do you want to eat I don't know where do you want it I don't care what do you feel like I didn't matter to me what do you want I don't care what do you feel I got about pizza no I thought about yesterday I thought you said it didn't matter for him for days now my wife and I we just get in the car where they're hungry or not because by the time we decide we will be hungry you finally decide on a restaurant and there's more choices you go in would you like a table or but it's smoking or non-smoking they give you a whole menu full of choices it drives me crazy there's one choice I know most people don't have to make what would you like to drink most people have a favorite drink my favorite drink is sweet iced tea okay look yes yes yes see but outside the South you cannot get sweet iced tea if you ask for sweet iced tea they will very politely condescendingly say well it's all on sweet but there's sugar like yeah and there's a moon in the sky [Laughter] because if you drink sweet tea you know that sugar does not dissolve in cold tea it's like a snow globe it's like drinking unsweet tea until that last sip you can feel your blood get thicker it's just sorry outside the sky still drink sweet tea and if it's unsweet I use the little packets I started using the pink ones that a friend go oh you know that that causes cancer in lab rats I said do you do I look like a rodent to you so I started using the blue ones another friend girl you know that kills brain cells and causes short-term memory loss do you want to know what I do now is one of each somebody starts to say something I go hey I get cancer I don't want to know about it [Music] too many choices life can really be confusing they're probably the most confusing parts of religions and philosophies it's philosophy and college that was confusing the whole life how do you know I'm here why you're here that's the first indication and then I got to thinking more more religious in nature and I got to thinking you know what there's a lot of confusing philosophies I love the popular one but if you think about any of these for this long they get really confusing really fast like I like the one that says well we're all just on different roads and we're going to the same place now that sounds really good until you think about it this long and if you really believe that tonight when you go home just get on any road I fly over Atlanta International Airport next time you get on an airplane there just get on any airplane and then there's the one I really believe for a long time has the whole good/bad thing somebody says you know if you stand before God and he asks why should I let you in what are you gonna say and I'm like I never killed anybody and I I hope I'm good enough and that sounds really good until you think about it this long then you get asked the question well who decides what's good and what's bad who gets to decide that is it a bell curve our half of us gonna be good and havel it's gonna be bad if that's the way it is should we be out there trying to make good people do bad stuff so we got a better chance [Applause] or would that be bad [Applause] and here's the real bummer what if it loves the whole good bad thing and we're standing there and God puts it on this huge scale and we can't go back in we missed by one if I just in custom third grade I would be that would be a bummer see churches can be confusing too I think I did not like going to church on as a kid because I think the main reason was the pastor at the church my parents went to his like 114 years old okay get behind this pulpit you could see about that much of his head they would stand up there for like an hour just [Music] I'd take the bulletin things they give you when you come in and those little church golf pencils do you know I'm talking about only places you can find them churches and golf courses that would draw at about every three minutes I'd go is it time to go is it time to kill my mother [ __ ] my drawers like it's time to go was that filled up the whole page if you ever gotten to that point where you filled up every ounce of every place to where you started filling in all the letters with the openings of the mad farm [ __ ] like Morris code by the time they get done I heard about the tenth time I said it's time to go and my dad my dad had like 8 foot long arms he reached from grab the paper an appendage that vein in the middle of his head popped out so I'm sitting there just bored out of my mind the pass was still up front [Music] I do not know why I did this at eight years old you do some stupid things from the back of my mind my memory brought to thought my friend Ricky that wake taught me you can make yourself burp middle of church [Laughter] I know that God has got a sense of humor okay because in churches half asleep the other half bored to tears the pastors up front in that instant the sugar coke doughnut thing found the fake one in the middle and said let's go you could hear a pin drop that's like you know how you can look around like oh maybe nobody heard that felt the hand on the back of my time to go we're spanking of my life and churches I think sometimes I love my church I really do but I think sometimes churches get so religious they don't even know what they're talking about I was on tour in Florida this very well-meaning church came on the radio and they using all these big huge religious wars come to our church were ratified were sanctified or justified Barack Obama blah I don't even think they realize I said this they actually said in their commercial come to our church where we believe in sharing tongues [Applause] I'm sorry I don't know if for were you gonna church okay when I go to church don't want to share my time with anyway this is our mental picture of Usher's at the door going welcome to our service [Applause] you know those marquee signs they have out in front of the church zone when it's so bad to call them and just tell them I got a great idea for your marquee please brush and floss before all services that we're gonna do and I need help I really do because life has got a lot of choices and confusing and and I wish I could just have a sign just give me a sign make life easy wish there were signs but there's not signs for the things we need signs for I'm driving down the interstate the other day you know it's slanted area in the middle that's kind of gravelly there's a sign there do not drive on median can somebody tell me who's in the fast lane going I bet that slanted gravel area is much quicker let's try that I don't think so but there's a committee somewhere deciding what goes on signs because they're dumbing them down they are used to be a sign called deer crossing you remember that one then they try to get in on the whole Christmas thing it's now deer Xing and that was too difficult so now it's just a deer DJ the radio tell me so this guy's wife actually hit a deer and her comment was I never thought they would come from the other direction [Applause] oh and what really gets me is that of all the signs they could make simpler bump-bump-bump but no they spell that one out and I just can't be thinking I would love to be in a car with a foreign driver sometime pulling up on that I wonder what these board meetings think he sweared me mom a friend tell me they spend $600 making those signs another $600 to pay a crew to go out and put it up here's a concept why not take the $1,200 and fix the ball and then I was thinking the other day I did a TV interview and and I'm sitting there at the TV interview just kind of like this and the the lady on Good Morning Jacksonville she says you know that's an insult in some countries I said what is she goes showing the bottom of your foots an insult and I said that would never work in our country can you imagine driving down the ocean [Applause] [Music] and then they're trying to make them more simple have you remember the old sign slow children playing do you remember that yeah all the parents of the slow kids got ticked off about that one so to change that one and instead of having little stick people running do you know what they came up with for children playing does anybody know a seesaw when did that interfere with driving there's a sport for running drivers going oh they're launching children into the road our then my favorite of all time in Georgia it's a little bit different I saw one in Ohio but in Georgia like every fifth sign on the bottom they put these signs minimum speaking 40 miles an hour have you seen these signs who are these for have you ever been in the vehicle of somebody going hey man you seen a cop [Applause] ah I tell you the one place I need I need a sign is with my wife my wife is is a beautiful wonderful woman but she's a little mean literally 4.0 student through college but she misses she misses some of the simplest things in life and she will say I knew she had this condition before we got married so I married her knowing this okay but she mixes up phrases all the time we were dating and we went for a run one day we got home she goes whoa I am sweating like a bullet [Applause] honey I don't think bullets sweat she said know what to say don't think that's it she used to be a teacher telling me about how teachers were gonna get in trouble for something they did she said Monday morning the fan is gonna hit the roof [Applause] she'd been worried about this one area of her life and that she I still hold it you gotta let this go a lot again the guy gotta let this go she goes all do you think I'm just dragging a dead dog into the ground [Applause] we had two quick oh you should call them heather isms now we just call them isms cuz i started hearing people all over the place saying these and i heard this guy the other days is quit running around like a chicken with a bad haircut not cutting off their heads anymore just giving them Mohawks this guy told me for marking sizes every week his boss starts out the meeting of the organization the same way okay guys the reason we have this meeting is to make sure we got all our ducks on the same page buddy of mine his wife called me and she goes aw you didn't love this when I said how did you have a good night last night he said I slept like a bird I've heard of sleep like a baby but if you sleep on a bird do you is there a telephone pole involved I mean how does that work this was a little bit ticked off about something she goes you know you can lead a horse to water but that doesn't make it right [Applause] I played golf with a buddy of mine and he's talking about his college days he goes whoa I got a lot of black sheep in my closet does your wife know about this the sheep eating the skeleton is at some point don't matter oh it goes on and on and on people were confused life is confusing it makes no sense to me a lot of times I went to college and I saw something I'd never seen before I thought this this makes no sense to me at all in college I saw for the first time in person they have them here at your college guy cheerleaders they've got him here I looked and I like what a bunch of dorks then I got to looking these are like really big guys then I met a few of them found out they're former football players blew out with me now they're college cheerleaders I thought think about that choice you rehab your knee six eight twelve months you come back now you have a choice you can wrestle around with fat sweaty ugly stinking guys who want to [ __ ] you for life or you can hang out with the cutest girls on campus grab them by the behind hold them up [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] cheerleader okay that's not a tough challenge if you ever meet one you've got to ask them this question I think he'd go through the first day of guy cheerleader camp I met some I said man I don't mean to be rude or gross but what is the like grabbing girls by the button hold them over your head what does that like if you ever ask one they will also the exact same thing well you don't really realize that's what you're doing I can see drinking a coke below I thought that was a Pepsi okay like you can get in line at the grocery store hock scuse me my former college cheerleader didn't Roz I just did that it's just too much I have children how many of you have children right on all right not how many of you are children have you have children all right oh I got two little boys and I don't know if you had to go through the class and see the video I'm not going there I'm just telling you that the best part was not there they never showed the part after that happened my wife went through 27 hours of labor okay yeah you know I was exhausting so but they took her baby and they did they take your child and immediately put them under a french fry lamp okay like clean off all the baby stuff and then they take a blanket and fold your child into a burrito I want to show off my little burrito and the nurses were leaving us so where are you going I said you'll be fine I said no long I said you'll figure it out I said I won't set three reasons a baby cries they're tired they're hungry got something in their pants that night I told my wife you need a rest you're tired you've got a rest sure enough three in the morning I'm sleeping sideways in this chair little light from the hallway Graham starts to scream everyone over it's okay it's okay baby so I go through the list okay tired if he's tired he'd be sleeping um hungry okay just ate I leaned over whoa what's that pants thing I've never changed a diaper in my life but I want to be a good husband so I'm sitting there going oh I used to complete boxes of those moist towel things boom somebody snuck in importar into that first diaper I'm never sitting here going finally get the bad diaper I'll take the bad diaper put it over we're bad diapers go I'm feeling around in the dark for the good diapers good diaper right as I got two good diaper and the quietness of that room I heard a whooshing noise I saw something that is physically impossible okay my son twenty-one inches long eight and a half pounds is peeing into the hallway my first thought was oh my goodness my second thought was that's my boy [Applause] we have two little boys five and six we have a little girl who's 11 weeks old and is just oh thank you thank you very much our first little girl little girls are different we're gonna have to take her back she leaks I do not understand this I went to change her diaper there she was wet here do women have an opening here I'm not aware of that blew my mind I love the questions people ask when you're expecting so are you gonna find out what it is eventually yeah doesn't everybody mystique look don't tell me don't tell me we're not gonna find out we're gonna raise a gender-neutral name it Pat close our eyes when we're changing the diapers and then afterwards afterwards more great questions so does she remind you of anybody she doesn't have a job she sleeps a lot and drinks like a fish sounds like my uncle spike did you ride a motorcycle that is my uncle spike and then I got to this is one and let me just fill this out there okay I did not buy any clothes for my daughter nor did I take those clothes and put them into the drawers in her room now here's the amazing part I did not buy the clothes nor did I put them in the drawer yet I can go and change my daughter pull out clothes that my wife bought out of the drawers my wife put them in and it's always wrong I have yet to dressed this job correctly and then the amazing part to me is that through these kids and through all the children part is that the one time I need instructions I don't get them and we literally thought that she was a little bit sick so I went to buy a thermometer let me ask this is anybody here I'm not gonna ask you what it is but anybody here hate your job just raise you know I'm not gonna ask you what it is hate I hate my job okay okay listen you do not hate your job you do not have bad enough - I'm pulling out with babies you got to get a rectal thermometer okay I'm pulling this out I'm looking on the back and I saw the line this is the worst job ever it says each thermometer has been individually tested [Laughter] honey I'm home [Applause] What's Wrong baby you look down yeah they're doubling production next week [Applause] and then there's instructions that make no sense whatsoever no sense whatsoever we went to we bought a quart of firewood it's get a little coal we bought a quart of firewood had a bright orange tag on it I didn't even look at it till I got home I'm picking up the garbage to throw away this is all it said on the bright orange tag on the firewood caution warning this product may be flammable it's not I'm taking it back correct I was changing the garbage taking it out changing the garbage bag notice writing on the garbage bag what are you right there it's instructions on how to use the garbage bag who's struggling with this what do we do now I don't know if throw some trash at it see what happens doesn't work my favorite though this this is something my wife bought a hair dryer a couple years ago and I kept this because I'm a dad and I have to have something to read in the bathroom it's instructions on how to use a hairdryer not only be mean anybody but if you need instructions on how to use a hairdryer put it down all right but I want to show you these it's two-sided with pictures I'm not gonna read them all but I gotta read you my favorite warning and my favorite instruction my favorite instruction how to plug it in the plug does not fit fully outlet reverse the plug the plug just still does not fit contact a qualified electrician yeah I need to come out to my house what seems to be the problem on I can't plug in my hairdryer this is my favorite there are 16 warnings to the use of a hair dryer 16 warnings to the use of a hair dryer and I need you to help me here for just a minute number 7 I have highlighted it there are four words I just want you to verify that it actually says this never use while sleeping [Applause] you know I'm kind of tired but I gotta dry my hair how'd you get that burn spot on your head none of all the instructions we have people are making life too complicated way too complicated I was in the Carolinas these guys took me to launch spaces so what do you like to do in your spare time so I like to play golf so we're hunters I said that's great I like to play golf this award doc hunters I said well tell me about duck hunting I don't know if you're a hunter and have nothing against hunters kill Bambi I really don't care I just don't get it I don't understand these guys went on to tell me if you've never hunted here's basically how it goes you get up at some unbelievable hour in the morning you dress like some sort of foliage you drive a really long time sit in a cold wet bush put out some fake ducks and blow on a whistle why for a really long time hoping something will fly by what do you think about duck hunt I think you guys made it too hard so what do you mean I said first I would sleep in in the morning I'm not a morning person but that is not why I would sleep in in the morning the reason I would sleep in the morning it's because there's something about grown men dressed like trees wandering around in the dark with loaded guns that is not right secondly I would give ducks credit we've heard ducks talk you've heard ducks quack what I think they have conventions at some point in time and one duck gets up and goes hey everybody listen stay away from the walking trees exploding branches will mess you up [Applause] but if I was going to take up if I was gonna take up dog hunting I would make it simple I would sleep in I would dress comfortably here's what I would do I would go down to the grocery store I would buy the cheapest loaf of bread they had I would go down to a pond where Ducks all sit under a shade tree throw on a piece of bread wait maybe a minute [Applause] life is hard enough times we need instructions we don't have them it's on my honeymoon with my wife why is that funny I have a wife we got married she for most of it we're sitting in the car driving Bette have you ever been like not asleep but not awake that I'm driving down the road and I felt something on my arm it was dark and she I looked over she was leaning against the door so I know it wasn't her hair and I just it moved and I just kind of wig down I don't like creepy things oh my god my wife says what what she was asleep well she said what was on your mark she's a little tired and a little grumpy I said I don't know chill out god I'll be back in a minute just relax goes back to sleep I start driving again five minutes later hard to know I was wearing shorts it crawled up on my leg I totally wigged out she said what was on your leg I don't know has anyone ever looked at you and you can tell whether look on their face exactly what they're thinking norman island just pledged my life to her face not her words her face is saying you are the biggest dork ever out of her mouth and anger just job god damn it so now I'm embarrassed on my couch I don't care if it eats my head not go we got back in that state I heard the most blood-curdling scream I've ever heard in my life I look over there's a little white spider on the side of the seat she grabs a piece of car horn put you in the backseat she says then we won't know where it is don't look at the back seat to which my wife lanes over hooks at this planner it rose down the seat sits next to her leg doing 65 miles an hour in a subcompact car my wife stands behind pressed against the window begins to yell at me in a voice I have never heard come out of a woman before cameras in the back I got it no one liked that to it I pull into the circle-k okay baby you can get out geez no no you come up on my door I get out of the car I go around as I get to the back corner of the car there's three dudes there with Slurpees looking at my wife's butt push again sewing down there's a bug in the car you said I'm a college cheerleader I can help Oh [Music] you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 37,129

Rating: 4.6744184 out of 5

Keywords: Kenn Kington, Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, Sweet Tea, Sugar Rush, Sugar Coma

Id: -2qFcma0qOQ

Length: 46min 19sec (2779 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 14 2019