Brian Regan Stand Up Comedy Full HD Best Comedian Ever

[Music] [Applause] [Applause] feels good that's all the time I needed a fool I appreciate that thank you man feels great not feeling good I actually just recently had to go to the emergency room though and I've had some stomach virus thing I almost called an ambulance it's weird even considering calling an ambulance for yourself you know you call the ambulances for other people right are you supposed to say about yourself can you come get me no don't feel so good just come on and I'll be lying on the floor I'm just looking at the phone I don't know what it was at night so I drove myself to the emergency room that's a nice relaxing drive everybody I'm only imploding so I pull up at the entrance to the emergency room no valet parking I mean that's not the biggest oversight in our solar system but there's every time where you want to go can you park this because I may be collapsing needing no I'm circling around the parking lot I don't care if you're driving yourself or someone else to the emergency room you still want to get out and running with them they supposed to drop somebody off and go park a car okay you go in tell them you're shot asking if they validate blue so I finally park you know they go into check-in that's the most insulting question when you check into a hospital what seems to be the problem what seemed well it seems it seems like everything on my inside wants to be on my kind of condescending question so they check the end of my luxurious half room it's a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side and he's moaning over there man they're never gonna help me with him motive like that so I got a help moon both floors like a haunted so I'm killing time arriving nurse finally comes in how are you doing tonight I'm on a garden you have a painkiller something this is Kelly so she goes how would you describe your pain it's killing we playing that pyramid game excruciating for riffin would rather have shards of glass now I convey this team so she asks how would you rate your pain she goes how would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst well you know saying a low number isn't gonna help you oh maybe the high one you could give me a baby aspirin cut it in anyone saying such ridiculous neighbors I couldn't bring myself to say 10 though cuz I had heard the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone crack than happening I don't know if that's true but I thought if it is they have exclusive rights to ten and now I'm thinking what was I worried about her like a femur ward at the hospital they would have heard about me and hobble into my room you know nothing about 10:00 give me a sledgehammer let me show you and then I thought no childbirth are better not try to compete with it and then I'm thinking you'd almost be hell getting childbirth when your femur bones crack so I said I guess I'm an 8 she goes okay I'll be back I'm like God what blew it nothing with eight but she surprised as she comes in she does the doctor told me to give you morphine immediately like morphine that's what they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan right before he died so they gave me morphine all I know is about 15 minutes later just for the hell of it I was like oh my moon hey again yes Susan a they finally check that I'm walking down the hall going fine so they sent me to a regular doctor for a follow-up and I was nervous going because my cholesterol I knew it was gonna be high because last year was high and I hadn't done anything different what are the odds your cholesterol is going to plummet for no reason 200 and I realized that's the only time as an adult that I feel like a little kid when I go to the doctor you didn't do what I told you did you know what should you have done I should a lesson when you were pop what are you gonna do from now on pay attention when you say things when are you gonna start I'm gonna start right now he's a good knock right thank you I told him I get heartburn sometimes so he goes and gets me a list of things that cause heartburn I'm looking at the list and I'm like I already know this I know how to get it let's like going into the hospital with a cannonball wound and they show you listen here's how you get cannonball wounds it's gave me get a tube of kidding [Applause] number one do not stand directly in front of them so my doctor looks at me and says you should probably drop a couple pounds there Brian thank you honey your doctor has carte blanche on insults a distance soldier for a while and then you pay him for the insults on the way out well you should lose some weight and those molds are looking pretty weird all right how much for that doc when can we get together again thanks fat moe man walking out of your office thanks for the confidence boost I'm up for the Macy's Day for regular bro as you can you're begging your ugly next he does care doctors are good people that's why they avoid the word pain it's a buzzword they won't hit it a lot they don't want to scare anybody doctors will tell you all about pressure tell me all about the pressure you're gonna experience if a doctor tells you're about to feel some pressure buckle off in a moment you're gonna feel a little bit of pressure pressure all pain involves pressure that's one of the definitions of pain it can be swinging a two-by-four at your head and a moment you feel hey bring it on I'm good under pressure I like pressure situations Oh so my doctor he told me to watch what I meet he told me to read food labels I'm in a store reading the Fig Newtons label I've always liked Fig Newtons I'm trying to see if it's okay to eat them and everything looked fine the five content I looked at the serving size two cookies Fig Newtons by the sleeve two slaves use a serving size both and eat him like a treat they take Newton shavings coming off the side with the size of a pocha stamp you want another one who I don't know I've already had two whole entire fake news maybe I can try to muscle one more down but they're not we got a new yarn here we got a 350 Newton meter doesn't agree who's coming up with serving sizes serving size of ice-cream is 1/2 a cup so like a joke some guys come here for the serving size I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that I don't know what to do just let it go I guess it's not that you can do now you ever know anybody to eat 1/2 a cup of ice cream hey you want to go grab some meat yeah a whole half a cup I just kept eating and I think a serving size of ice cream is when you have the spoon hit the bottom of the container you can't do this anymore I even rip the side not sure what you're talking about for that my screen I have to lay off dairy though that's what my doctor threw in as I was leaving his office oh and uh lay off dairy blankets we possess no more happiness what would you care I'm trying to lay off dairy I'm in the supermarket on my little cart I'm trying to avoid the dairy aisle I can see they'll have party hats are there I'm in the juice idle slipped over with juice people I learned something in the juice aisle and that is I don't know what's going on with cranberries but they're getting in all the other juices wherever the salesman is for cranberries does a great job he's showing up everywhere hey buddy got apples put some cranberries and it will call it crap about 50/50 what you got great about cran break we got mangoes cranmango and man why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation he's working too much just making the other fruit guys feel bad you know like the banana guy wakes up you gotta get crackin but my doctor also told me to uh you know eat more fruit add some pop-tarts nice thin layer in there you ever look at a pop-tarts box to have directions on him can there be a simpler food item than pop-tarts like the directions weren't on there with somebody how do I get that goodness in me and they get it done you read me that's what you do they have two sets of directions in case you don't understand one set you abandon that whole track and get on something a little easier for yourself they have a set of toaster directions which believe it or not is more than one step possibly be more than one step I can only think of one step one toe step up carts hey are you still reading this [Applause] but they managed to break them into smaller increments these are some of the actual steps I would love to be in the room watching something that's to consult these toaster steps okay number one remove pastry from pouch I see where they're going with this [Applause] we're banging on all cylinders number two insert pastry perfectly they're reading coaster direction you're gonna throw the vertical concept that then they have a whole set of microwave directions I just blew me away that you could actually microwave a pop-tart how long does it take to toast a bath time you want a dark listen if you need to zap fry your pop-tarts before you head out the door you might want to loosen up your schedule and I swear it says microwave on HIGH for three seconds I don't think I want to wake up and be eat than three seconds [Applause] three seconds you're booking yourself to time pick up some Montana brochures we just moved I called ups asked me to help out with some boxes now they're a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them I had no idea I called him up you don't know about ten box he come pick them up we need to know the weight and the girth okay goodbye so I called Mac we need the weight and the GERD okay I don't know what the way it is and I don't know what girth me so now what's the procedure so this guy talks to me like I'm four years old we'll do you have a bathroom scale yeah but if I put the Box in the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers I take them off really quick zero is he talking about so then he gives me like as mr. wizard formula how about a few stand on the scale and one of yourself get off the scale pick up the box get back on when you hit the box together and subtract your own weight I'm going slow down hold on professor I know this guy's never tried this because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers [Applause] one of my mr. Olympia sleepers then I had to hang up in the middle of his birth formula it got to sharing me it was easy you know the girth is very simple to figure out you take the link than you double that by the smaller of the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side okay I got it go and get another call yeah too stupid to talk to you I just want to not be on with you any longer so this is true I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers let them come out and pick them up it's wrong I'll pay the difference just dispatch the truck so I called back yeah I have 10 boxes and no I'm another guy and they all wait exactly 22 pounds and they'll have a girth of 3 3 1 3 units come pick them up please why must you torture me we needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator in my whole life I went into the appliance store there's like a 900 of them lined up salesman what's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators well you have this refrigerator right here this keeps all your food cold for 6 on [Applause] we've got this refrigerator this keeps all your food cold for 800 check this out 1,400 keeps our food call so this guy's working me on this one I've never seen a guy work so hard this one is a very nice refrigerator it has a meat drawer and what you do with that you would you would put meats whatever varieties that you would choose these would be your meats there's no requirement on the types of meats you can pick marbled meat there's an endless selection and this one also has a crisper for on crispy things potato chips look in the door when the doors open this has an egg area and that's a very nice thing it's an area for eggs and put them all in the egg area and they're all written in cursive and that's a real nice feature we also had to get the phone turned on I'm on my friend's house I call the phone company can you turn on our telephone okay it's gonna be a problem I figured why it's just gonna be a big man that's our policy wait in our home for a few days for the phone people that come out no we do it differently now we can just flip the switch from right here great can you go ahead and flip we're gonna flip it next Thursday can you flip it right now we're gonna flip it Thursday late or Friday or sometime in November I guess there's only one flip switcher he has a lot to get to [Applause] I assume they're tiny maybe they're big Giants which isn't really hard to flip I'm gonna go down here and cheer him on [Music] [Applause] so I had to use a phone to book the flight to come here and the reservations gave me a confirmation code and like I'm an idiot she gives to me like this mr. riggan your confirmation code jot this down it's B as a boy he as in Paul J as in kite and Q as in quagmire give me another word I wanna flex it back I called back to confirm the flight she wanted another confirmation code I don't know about you but I feel like an idiot trying to quickly come up with words for letters and I'm panicking on the phone on the confirmation code it's of B as in babies Pia's and pneumonia [Applause] k as in cut-off e and Q as in cutoff they only do that with letters nobody ever does that with numbers my toted saw four as in 420 sometimes you'll get a confirmation code that includes zeros and O's you write on the same way they're completely different keys they'll give you the number one and the letter i' you'll write the mostest same there are different keys a small all looks the same they don't care you'll never be able to communicate this fact clearly I'd like to give a code to these people for their big vacation here's your confirmation code you're going to need this for your vacation are you ready ok it's 1 1 i1 o 0 0 o i1 o 0 1 I small bowel [Applause] it wants flow here I've done the first class people just they can just get on whenever they want I've always hated that first class people bored it here to these you sure take your time first class people coach people the weight sets it's cuz weight little piggys when you do get on the first class people they're already sitting there they're all sprawled out in their big thrones bring me the head of a pin and a goblet of something cool and refreshing it'll make someone from coach amuse me it fiddles any overhead racks up there you're not allowed to even use their bathrooms the bathrooms up front are for our first-class passengers the coach bathrooms are located at Newark Airport concourse C concourse C main channel so when you do board the first-class people they're sitting there a lot of them are working as your boarding they have computers out with calculators the looking up and you're like hey we're making money right now right now we're making money go get in the back those that curtain I don't want to see even in my retro it's a matter with us they're going to cover us up with a tarp you go in the back everybody has coloring books I hate Colbert watch you you're in the middle and there's nine of us and you're in the middle and we have all the armrests you gotta sit like this you got to figure out a way to eat your snack while your elbows are touching you got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil I like to sit way in the back Wayne a Mac except for one thing all the good meals run out you know you're poking your head out from row 199 flight attendants are this big you can hear the good meals getting snagged we have a turkey sandwich chicken quesadilla and cold fish head or just water what I'm good so when they get to the back of the plane they have to do that flight attendant psychology game pretend like the good stuff never even existed that never even was would you like a nice cold fish head there frozen solid frozen head of fish the eyeballs in there and the skeletons coming out it comes with a turnip and a spork I was wishing you'd have one of them left wishing a puss but I admire flight attendants man I really do they put up with a lot of garbage from people have you ever been sitting in your seat and you see somebody trying to fit some of the overhead rack that you know any going in there like in a million years got like a mattress or lamp you're looking at I'm like what kind of perception problems let's go ahead and the flight attendants are always nice you always run up and act like it might maybe fit you know oh I don't know if that's gonna get up there we could check it for you you [ __ ] I know that's what they want to see I would last about eight seconds at that job I'll just get up there does that look like it's gonna fit yet that's not true you have a dead yeah are you okay you don't see all these people jammed up waiting on you they don't see in oh this is your world it's all about you you let us know when you're all set captain you planet [Applause] and I feel bad for the gate agents because they try to get the boarding process to run smoothly but no one will listen to them don't blame them they tried to get on the intercom ladies and gentlemen we're about to begin boarding if we could ask for your cooperation would you all please remain seated until your Row has been cold everyone please please remain seated everyone please stop going from the gate please back away from the gate somehow by the time that comes out the speakers it must sound like everybody up and rush the door everyone immediately try to squish your fat butt simultaneously in the small cake door area hurry push your Chuck do whatever you have to to get on board and then bears to be human you're gonna get on [Applause] human beings man I'm sure you've been at airports with the moving sidewalks you know the host stand right walk left concept well for some people unlearn a boat you ain't getting it in no matter how much stimuli you offer I've been on them where I don't understand how people don't see that that's the system it's a big yellow dotted line going down the middle and it steps on every three feet on the sidewalk stands fans fans fan walk walk walk on the handrail stand stand walk walk with her stand walk pictures of people standing and I've seen footprints together apart people riding that left handrail it's fun to fly watch them close because they're the ones at the end of the movie sidewalk [Music] I'm trying to get into inventing I know what I'm gonna try with that no I don't know if I'm being overly ambitious but I'm trying to invent an ironing board that when you open it it doesn't sound like this every ironing board I've ever opened sounds like a witch being boiled in oil you ever just looked at an ironing board can you imagine getting that approved in today's safety conscious world what did you want to get an approval on um I call it an ironing board I want to have like a surfboard shaped device about this high and I want to support it with two thin crisscross eight pools so the center of gravity is precariously high so the slightest nudge you'd be sure to topple it then I want to put a big hot metal thing on the top of that with water the temperature of lava oozing out the sides dripping off the board for burn wounds I want one side to be a white-hot heat for scarring I want the sheer weight to be able to cause blunt force trauma but I want the whole thing to come to a point for puncture wounds it seems a little unsafe for adults I'm not finished that when a core coming down so get the toddler's involved why are we allowed to have these inventions intrigued me I was reading about the walkie-talkie and I read it was a military invention and surprised because usually military stuff as strong names you know Apache helicopter Tomahawk missile walkie talkie how did that slip through the system it's a general talking to some guy what do you have there soldier well it's a new communication device at untethered which will enable the troops to speak effectively when they're in the field what's a call walkie talkie walkie talkie now you walk in funky general I'm walkie talkie are you want in Turkey I like it soldier what's this explosive device but why are they to blame and this is the rooty tooty Amy [Applause] I'm where I need contacts I just had my prescription changed after six years you ever wait that long then you get new lenses you're like man I could have been seeing things how can instantly improve vision not be at the top here to-do list I'll see tomorrow I don't have time to see clearly no I don't I don't know I can't do that you see what's on my desk so I go in for the eye exam I don't know about you but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam you don't want to get a D on that thing and for these big thick coke bottle lenses I didn't take it serious are you doing here I'm just seeing shadows and shapes it's important I don't call it a quiz so I go in there I sit in that big chair he slides that big giant thing on my face or face my glasses be a hell of a pair of glass so I like a better like this or like this I like Justin I want to see that one again because I can't commit I can feel my doctor losing his patience with me let's try it again Bryan which one do you like better number one or number two I don't like either one of them yeah but that wasn't the question I guess wasn't I asked you which one you like better and I was careful to phrase it that way so why don't you keep that in mind while we try it yet again which one do you like better number one or number two through both the same well why would I waste your time and mine I'm available sing did you ever stop to think about that you're ready to try it one more time way too much pressure during that an entire exam they they do one test every time I don't know what they're looking for all I know is I get an anxiety attack in the middle of the damn thing tell me the exact moment point a is directly over point B I'm worried if I'm off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big giant Hubble coming attraction glasses so you must have messed up that head B test [Music] what are they helping me with my ability to watch cars pass on the highway they pass how do you do it it's weird in the eye exam room it's just him and me it's dark in there the doors closed I feel strange when he pulls his chair up uncomfortably close to you he's like this far from my face he shines his goofy light into my eyes for about an eternity I know you I'm a little uncomfortable can you back up a time are you looking at my soul you want a tic-tac so he says you know you have one onset a little bit higher than your other I know because it doesn't affect your vision or anything I just thought you might want to be self conscious for the rest of your life I went out to my car mirror my some kind of monster the matter with him then he asked me would you like to try trifocals and I'm like I must have been away a while cuz I have no idea what you're talking he says it's exactly what you would think you can see it three different distances depending on where you look through your lens you can see close medium or far away and I'm like I can't even imagine you're gonna use for that [Music] two people need this kind of range apply videos comment I'm actually kind of quiet off stage a lot of people don't realize that I was at a dinner party recently bunch of people that I don't know one guy talking pointing for everybody remember myself rather than I and then myself I mean I couldn't tell this one about how I got old honor my myself and you wear the me monster so I tried to jump in with a little story I don't want to just sit there at a whole night right when I'm done with my story this guy goes fighting nothing didn't mean to waste everybody's time nothing story Marco Polo speed he's back with tales of adventure the story ain't nothin maybe it wasn't because I made the mistake of trying to tell a story about having only two wisdom teeth pulled and I learned a lesson don't ever try to tell him to wisdom to story because you ain't going nowhere before wisdom teeth people are gonna parachute in and pull with your to wisdom tooth tale you will never complete one trust me trying to tell my story you know I had some wisdom teeth pulled I had I had to buy a horrible no five no knowing I had nine wisdom teeth fuller all of mine were impacted that we're all coming upside down the roots are out from like tongue coming out my nose a war bog no anesthesia they pulled him out with pliers is even caught in the car that afternoon in the Blue Ribbon upon his dress that knocks the socks off of my wisdom tooth tale why do people need to top other people I've never understood it and I see it all the time obviously people get something out of it at best people wait for your lips to stop what is it about the human condition people get something out of that that's why I have a social fantasy and we sell is one of the twelve astronauts who have been on our moon they must love knowing they can be anybody story whenever they want they can sit back quietly at a dinner party while some other persons some me monsters doing his thing and let him go let him run with the line they keep a fleet of sports cars over in Zurich you might have to cancel back you know the runways and aspirin [Music] [Applause] [Applause] well you have the floor Moonwalker you know you mentioned driving on the Autobahn that reminded me once I was driving in the Sea of Tranquility and my lunar rover and that too is worried about our speed so I remembered [Applause] you guys are great thank you very much

Channel: Robert M. Rudd

Views: 83,103

Rating: 4.7804155 out of 5

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Id: nBpUyykqRTw

Length: 56min 22sec (3382 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 02 2017