Live at the Apollo, S9 E3. Sean Lock, Romesh Ranganathan, Marcus Brigstocke. 45 Minute Versions

[Music] ladies and gentlemen man please welcome your host for tonight [Applause] hello thank you I think you're lovely beat here in Hammersmith I just have one thing one request if any point in the in the show your earring on the side a laughter go with it yeah you know if you get to a bit you know it's a funny or just go there's a consequences for you of a joke not working on that serious there'll be other jokes other shows but the consequences for me pretty serious yeah if you don't laugh at my jokes in about a year's time you'll switch on your telly on a Saturday night and you'll hear Bruce Forsyth saying ed our next couple dart Sydney Pastor Dave Joan and Tatiana [Applause] since inattentive Jay Jay Jay have a black nylon shirt split to my waist fruit all down me and at some point they'll make you do the shimmy won't they they know everybody goes on Strictly at some point has to do the shimmy it's like tossing the salad in jail that's what it is shimmy at some point you have to go that's like just driving your face into the dirt isn't it yeah and then now off the bit after that you're in a tense dance-off with the ox oh man bollocks don't you buy Bruno Tonioli sure you're like a fridge you're albers didn't move you stand there like a fridge you're all grinder no pepper and you can't say them to piss off can you I've made a complete squats out of myself out there and now you want to rub my nose in it what have you ever done in your life prick because we got a few Strictly guesses Joe Calzaghe is here hello Joe [Applause] I took up boxing for a while but because I heard it was a way out of the ghetto thing is I'm not from the ghetto so for me it's a way to hospital don't pull short oh hello Johnny the 350 voices is that true 350 voices yes I do hear the voices in your head I hear voices in my head I ignore them and carry on killing why do I do what impression I'll do one impression they're mine here's my impression right it's Billy Mitchell from EastEnders [Applause] [Laughter] I mean bang on oh it's me again and of course we've got Brian Murphy there hello Brian is it right it's your 80th birthday today [Applause] you know good tradition she say giving you a brilliant birthday treat you taking you to a free gig thank you welcome welcome I love playing Hammersmith I'll do a lot playing AMISOM it's a great place to play for lights up like other play most house on tour at the moment playing loads of towns everywhere is great there's only one place I won't go back to that's Guildford you're not from Guildford they stared at me like they were looking out the windows of a bus replacement service he never seen anyone smiling I have a bus replacement service do you go this is brilliant much better than the Train this is it so many different villages they look like my dad looked when he found out what his pension was worth I mean part the problem was it was to be fair to name it was the week that Margaret Thatcher died and a couple of comments that I made might not have gone down in the spirit that they were intended all I said was all I said was hey that was it that was it okay and I didn't mention that a fitting tribute to her was when they cremated her they ran out of coal that was it have you never passing hadn't ever party but you wouldn't call it a party it's a few drinks and nibbles a couple of friends you know police will call once that's not a party is it I love my wife I love my kids I'm a very lucky man very lucky man but there are some things there are things I miss about the old days you know you know before all that you know I think the thing I miss most of all about living on my own is the songs you sing when you live on your own you know the songs you say you don't know just walking around house singing the song a mother of a biscuit or a crisp sandwich you can't do that when you live with other people can you because they don't want to see that no they want to think you got your [ __ ] together you gotta hide that I sail up my wife sometimes I'm not sure well no the Simpsons have been in love a shortness of breath lightheadedness inability to concentrate or exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning only I think I love you but can we get the boiler serviced very much but she upset me it's last Christmas because she was giving my Christmas present just before I'd opened it she said oh by the way you do know it's very difficult to buy presents for a man of your age I found that quite hurtful and if they're already men at my age in the room tonight bit of advice for you be very careful what you show enthusiasm for in the weeks before Christmas because you show the slightest enthusiasm or interest in anything you're getting it for Christmas who's anything she began up so bad you say I'll be up in a minute I'm just gonna watch the news oh he likes the news and you'll get a biography of Hugh Edwards what a guy yeah never had an x-ray apparently didn't know that once I were out walking in the countryside there's a bird hovering in the sky she said all that it's a buzzard I said now that's a Kestrel she's not annoying you about that you know you about said yeah a little bit little bit no no a little bit all right cut to six months later I'm standing in a field got a big leather glove on you meet on a string yeah I'm having a great day love it's like you read my mind I didn't do that don't upset the Greenies October to December I don't say anything positive about anything we've got ferry once from Holland you know ferries are normally a sort of del dismal awful experience this was a really nice fairy lovely fairy a lot about to go cause it's an ice fairy isn't it I mean oh no because it was a chance on Christmas morning I'd have open an envelope and pulled out a golden ferry ticket it's called a out on the ferry help the captain steer the ferry out of port wave the cars onto the deck sing a song with the group liquid motion the other day i intercepted her ordering me some bees we don't want any bees is it while you're ordering B she said well you were going on about the flight the honeybees you know how people don't plant flowers anymore that guards our decks and the honeybees dying out and the whole of society will collapse I thought I'd get you some bees I said no what you're mistaken there is AI like moaning [ __ ] about bees being a [ __ ] I'll just kill anything I see mostly she wants me to have a hobby she chose me to have a hobby because I don't get a lot of spare time but if I do get any spare time what I like to do is stand in various rooms in my house staring into the middle distance on that and she finds that troubling happier when I'm sitting on my bed in my pants one sock on another sock in my hand oh I'll do 20 minutes there like that cuz I'm not doing nothing and put your socks on but very slowly I don't think it's I do have a hobby but it's not considered to be a hobby I do have a hobby and my hobby is drinking I like drinking all the time but when I go out I like to have a drink if you could see my little face how excited my little face is when I'm going off to the pub you go oh look at you what a drink I like to go out and have a proper tree I like to get hammered I like to get about four units the right side is [ __ ] myself that's right drawing on my face and combing my hair with a shoe I worked out my relationship with alcohol is very similar to the relationship that a moth has with a light bulb now you see I'm off having a session on the light bulb they're just going they says Brennan who switched on I'll bloody love you if you if you could interview a moth after a night on the light bulb you're very similar to me with a hangover they seem off what happened there I've done it again ever how'd you feel now for a bloody awful covered in Burns everyone saw me because I was the worst why how was it worse eight hours I was up there and I cuz some of them only do an hour and piss off behind the fridge do you eat you our problem no no if you don't switch the light bulb one I'm fine about three weeks on a wall you switch the light bulb on yes I'm not advocating alcoholism by the way I'm just sticking up for a group in society that gets it gets really badly treated gets very bad press is abused and maligned continually and that's binge drinkers nobody nobody ever says it ain't nice about binge drinkers today you just said binge drinkers look what they've done look at the binge drinkers look look what they've done to the town centre we didn't ruin the town centre Tesco's and the internet did that we're just finishing the job it's like farting in a cheese shop it's not the main problem kicking a dead bird are you doing it's dead do you know what a bit of chewing gum in a mullet no and it's terrible the discrimination you suffer as a binge drinker I know I've been for job interviews and I know the only reason I didn't get that job is because I was a hammered they couldn't see beyond that they couldn't see the person behind that the man have trying to get a sing-song going you know hey red you see yourself in five years time it's a lot and the press are very complicit in this they know the press they they really like to make binge drinkers feel bad well it was a picture once in the Sun of this girl in new course was on a night out in Newcastle and for a laugh she pulled she gets her clothes on but Phillips she put her knickers down to her ankles and she was standing in the central Newcastle going where hey big smile on her face I and the headline above with some lights oh good oh dear oh dear I've been looking at the picture thinking what is wrong with that she's obviously having a brilliant time you've got to be in a fantastic mood to be in the heart of the town where you live where you go shopping you go to work you meet friends to be the very epicenter of where all your friends know the whole life is to go that's a great moment in your life on my CV there we go happiest I've ever been that's also the odds that offers and interests anybody who's depressed who's done that I never chat to anybody's depressive how you feeling I feel terrible every decision I'll making the disaster I just say we're muddling through this miserable period in my life the other day I went down to the canal house water trying to find a good reason to carry on with this miserable existence we laughingly call life also you don't need to make binge drinkers feel that bad because they'll do that themselves you know if I've had a night out the next day at three or four times at least at random moments during the day I'll be making a cup of tea I'll just do this I go what's never you Shawn I just remembered something from we think it's once you have one of those memories you've got it for life your brain you can forget the most important things you've ever known but it never forgets shame does it it all my brain calls up stuff that happened 25 years ago let's have a look at that one you walking on go I remember the time I left a note out for the milkman and accidentally I put a kiss on it you know just like humiliation jukebox it's going let's have a look at this one let's have a look at this one once I was walking through the park beautiful sunny day no reason to remember this whatsoever no reason at all beautiful sunny day children out playing flowers round and I remembered this date I've been on years ago we're halfway through it the girl pointed out that my shirt was buttoned up on the wrong side so technically I was wearing a blouse [Music] the thing is as I remembered it I was walking past a dwarf it was it was about there and I was there so when I remembered it I went like this and I was a bit concerned I thought he might have thought I was doing some kind of Lord of the Rings Igor type thing so I said to him I said sorry mate I didn't mean you and he went what are you talking about I said when I went anybody said why would I think that and now that's become something that makes me go and every time trouble is every time I see it all fit triggers that memory oh oh sorry mate didn't mean you huh I'm trapped in a dwarf shame spiral you know get punchlines like that every day there a lot of stuff nicked are you ready for the first axe ladies and gentlemen young comedian Romesh Ranganathan [Applause] [Music] [Music] very excited to be here I realized that some of you will have seen me come out with the microphone may have become concerned Oh God Asian comedian it's gonna be banging on about being Asian the whole time please don't worry only about 10% of my stuff is based on me being Asian all right the other 90% is based on my issues with white people so it should be absolutely fine looking around I can't help feeling there's been a bit of a booking error so well put so and get the hell out of it why I'm actually married I don't know upset anyone in here I am married my wife and I have two small children we're not kidnappers we created these children by the traditional means adoption I'm Jake and I did it did it smashed it my wife is white I'm genuinely Asian I haven't just browned up for tonight's show and so our children a mixed race and a game that we've started playing as we've started getting our kids to pick a side so whenever watching the Jeremy Kyle show just point at the screen ago that's white people for your kids in it I have got no idea mate we go to an Indian restaurant my wife ago smells like daddy it's a little game we like to play she won that one I'm gonna be honest with you I've overreacted two races him in the past I'm not gonna lie I was getting my hair cut was an extremely hot day I was complaining about how hot it was this guy's sitting in the barbers he turned some he says out I can't believe you lot come over here did you I come over that you conflate about how bloody who is that just suck oh my god I'm gonna put this idiot in his place assuming that I'm an immigrant so I said to him well actually sir the climactic conditions in Crawley where I originated from er very similar to the ones that we're experiencing here just to show you to which his genuine response was bloody Elmer you're picking up the language brilliant Lynch Oh see I complain about that but in the winter one of my favorite pastimes is to pretend to passersby that I've just arrived in the country and I'm seeing snow for the very first time on a really good day they take photographs I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna be lucky that I recently came to the realization that sometimes a lack of racism can actually be more hurtful than racism itself now hear me out on this I think you will agree with me I recently got into a bit of a car prang completely my fault damage this guy's car quite badly he lost his [ __ ] as it every right to write gets out the car he looks I mean he says what the hell do you think you're doing you fat bastard and I thought oh my god I have put on so much weight that's the first thing he went for I would rather he to said something racist right because it's offensive but at least it means I'm in shape and it's my mom's fault she's a feeder she always has been well I don't if you had this problem if you're at school you probably got a phone call home from your school saying I'll she's not doing her homework or she's messing about in class I got a phone call home from my school because they were concerned about how many sandwiches I was putting away a break time and my mum took immediate action she told me to hide when I was eating my sandwiches and that's how I got the nickname toilet fatty while sitting at home watching television with my wife the other day and for those of you to have children you will know to even get to a point we are able to watch what you want to on television is a bloody miracle right you've got to do with what these little shits want to do first right and on this particular day they wanted to watch Disney DVDs I just about managed to convince them to not watch Finding Nemo now I know that sounds mad because Finding Nemo is a great film I've seen people of fans have it in here movie this fish goes along and saves his son it's wonderful heartwarming unfortunate when you have children that film is ruined right because I'm watching Finding Nemo now and I'm thinking myself I mean he told Nemo repeatedly to stop pissing around right wouldn't listen he's got go [ __ ] across the other side of the world to go and game the end of the film Nemo's dad supposed to learn a lesson about chilling out piss off it's almost direct in that film NEMA would have got kidnapped is that would have gone I told you a little prick enjoy the fish tank [ __ ] and then the seek would've been called grounding Nemo in the way we didn't watch Finding Nemo we watched Beauty and the Beast it's a classic I'm watching this film I'm thinking this ain't right either got a story of Belle who falls in love with the base looks beneath the surface falls in love with a person underneath he turns into a prince then live happily ever after I can't out thinking the message from this film seems to be look beneath the surface fall in love with a person beneath and hopefully they will undergo some sort of major reconstructive surgery that will enable you to bring yourself to sleep with him it's not a positive message Disney I mean I argued with my wife I argue with my wife one of the issues I had an arguably there's we disagree about how to bring up our children I dropped the ball on a potty training issue recently now those of you that haven't potty trained a child let me explain to you how it works you have to encourage the child when they poo in the correct area now what this basically means is at my house every time white Sun takes a [ __ ] we have a party right absolutely ridiculous said to my wife this is mental she said to me not an idiot forever yeah I know but I think that was a plan I didn't anticipate following him to his graduation waiting I saw cubicle one and going look what you curled out mate anyway my son my son did a poopy the other day my wife was out he called down he said daddy I've done a poopoo I ran upstairs into the bathroom sure enough in the potty on the floor we poo combo nailed it then I thought I've got to deal with this so I went to get a carrier bag to put this in - and then I thought you can't put this in a carrier bag idiot so I went to get two carrier bags well then got the carrier bags and decant it is that the right word decant it the contents of the pot into the carrier bags tied a knot in the top smashed it I then find my wife to tell her two things thing number one I've just dealt with a situation without your help apples thing number two can you get some more carrier bags it was at that point that my wife suggested to me that maybe the better receptacle for my home sewage project might have been the toilet to this point I felt two emotions emotion number one was humiliation because not only I had done this but I'd also told my wife she was gonna go tell her friends the number of times I've been talking to one of her friends and they'd been suppressing a snigger because mouthy mutt gossips were sold in something I've got so my second emotion was rage towards my son because my son knows what my wife does with his poo-poos and instead of telling me he decided to get some popcorn sit back and watch she into a carrier bag unacceptable I mean you know the fact of the matter is I don't I don't actually like going out with my children it's not because of my children I love my children I think the problem is you have to deal with other people's children and you have to do with their parents and you can't tell off other people's kids because people get annoyed except I found a way I was at the cinema a while ago I'm gonna share this with you this kid was throwing popcorn about shouting just being a little idiot he's parents are doing absolutely nothing about it I thought I would step up the cinema so got in real close and listening little [ __ ] all that again I'm gonna punch you in your face you understand me and then as his parents approached and were able to hear me I just went and that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people they apologize to me try it you'll have to brown up but it's worth it ladies and gentleman who genuinely have been adequate so thank you so much slang a time they look for the next night please put your hands together go mad for a fantastic comedian Marcus bridge stop [Applause] [Music] [Applause] give it up here compare mr. Sherlock it's lovely sighting like being here in London but my favorite Indian restaurant in London the other day I live in Clapham any ore from Clapham we came apparently hello you'll know this place is a very good Indian restaurant there called the Gaylord and I'm not above finding that a little bit funny I'll find my friend and go do fancy the Gaylord now you'll say you do and then we laugh for about an hour that's roughly give or take an hour you know I mean I think if the gay community appointed a lord I think that would be a good thing you know I think it would be nice you'd hope it would be Stephen Fry Peter Tatchell probably be Louis pence but nonetheless severe I don't mind finding that a little bit funny a ringworm a go John something spicy from the Gaylord so that your bottom hurts in the morning sir so we went to the Gaylord we was sitting there it's really nice and these three kids showed up outside these three teenagers and they found the word Gaylord funnier than the Internet forty minutes pushing each other towards going to go and touch the Gaylord no no no so we're watching watching rages the writers were all watching this happen going again or ain't going indicated I'm not going through the front ain't going back all my days actually one of them is nominated by his friends to enter the Gaylord pushing meaning he's out okay and the weight it was fantastic was perfectly obvious what was going on because it makes her outside pissing themselves I got I'm doing it now yet and as soon as he walked in it was obvious what was happening but the way to step forward and when table for one sir the kid resilient nananana thorny eat nothing I don't want to eat now forget I'm doing it I'm doing it now I don't want to eat nothing but let me arc sue this yeah let me arc sue this brother why is it that your restaurant is called Gaylord now I'm guessing this is happened to this waiter every day for the last 22 years because he was fantastic he didn't hesitate at all as soon as a kid asked him he gave him a full history lesson the kid would let me ask you this year why is it called a Gaylord and the way to when really interestingly Gaylord was a young Indian man he was very cosseted and he left his family joined the military he became a great warrior much respected in battle he was a fine horseman and very fine with the sword as well and because the kid had asked him he had no choice but to listen history lesson the kids is going alright with a sword by that's yeah the waiting went over about 10 minutes gave him the full history of who Gaylord was and the kid had no choice at the end Burt's ago or thank you very much and his mate submission them says oh my gosh II was in there for ages by the way a bit creepier and I've no idea what he said to them but they calm down really quickly so I'm guessing he explained it went none are we got it all wrong it turns out Gaylord is a geezer yeah and I'd love to think that in their gang now whenever someone does something really cool that's their word of choice to describe an actual you walk man you're a level 9 boss Gaylord yeah go to turn 40 this year she means my body is now don't you that who that my body is no longer on my side I've started having a new experience which I'm calling after wheeze it's when you've had away you finished away you check with your bladder is this way fully finished they've gotta go higher and they finished and then you leave and then your bladder decides to do his impression of Columbo one more thing just just one more thing don't trust my body anymore I went on safari went to South Africa anyone he'd been to South Africa okay I stopped a safari with my bum said Africa don't have you tried built-ins delicious dried bush meat dried meat right kudu antelope stuff like that they were given out where I stayed I had loads of the stuff it's delicious so dried meat like that what I didn't realize is it when you then have a drink it takes on its original size and shape inside i rehydrated an antelope in my lower intestines and then got the biltong farts so we went on safari five o'clock in the morning you get up early before the animals are fully awake they're still doing their teeth and folding their little elephant charmese we ruin an open-top jeep with a guide driver in the front a young couple on honeymoon and a young family in the back right and I had a belly full of swollen bill tongue and I got the biltong farts badly alright so we went after a bump and a big built on base blow off allowed me and the driver of our open top vehicle boarded to a complete halt month can everybody smell that it's that's lion you could tell because it's very meaty game this precious will they be through here recently yeah everyone in the Jeep got up with yes I think it could be go some more I laughed the more I farmed Souter the tribe is sneaking the vehicle for guns I can't see them but they're definitely very close yeah at least everyone be careful I think one of them may be injured as we were there 40 minutes people trying to take photos of my part so I'm going to go to Greece fart in one of their bank to see if I can help them out they're in a bad way any Greek people in yeah pay your taxes be a start they're in a bad way and it's not all their fault I feel bad for Greece yeah it's so bad over there you know they're selling off their Islands it's selling off the I think we should buy them put them in the British Museum I'm a completist what can I say no is it's a bad bad bad situation in Greece it's not entirely their fault Greece was never supposed to be in the Euro that's right we're drifting from my fart straight into a light economics lecture hold on a paper so Greece we're never supposed to be in the euro they had too much sovereign debt you know this year right they're too much sovereign debt they couldn't get in Goldman Sachs the investment bank hid their sovereign debt and snuck Greece into the euro and you can understand why Greece wanted to get in they were like a kid outside a nightclub you know though too young at the wrong shoes on but they could hear it they're excited leg is and the Greeks excite they wanted to get in and I should warn you for the Greek people I'm not very good at the Greek accent but I'll give it a go okay I want to get into the nightclub is it but they couldn't get in weren't allowed there too much sovereign debt and France were on the door being the bouncer Frances knew you cannot come in here ah look at you shitty Greece you are too young you have too much sovereign debt you're wearing the wrong shoes go on get out of here look you have curly slippers on get out of here the goldman sachs hid their sovereign debt gave him fake ID change their shoes and snuck greece in through the back door of the club the Greeks are in now and they're excited they're inside the Nugget you know our Greeks are not like that it's exciting for Greece brilliant there on the inside and that's when they realized that Club has a German DJ that's when she started to get scary for Greece when they heard yah - he's my euro hospital [Applause] well this stage the Greeks were desperately trying to keep up this stage the Greeks were slumped in the corner please and you never have been in here look curly slippers they can't get out because the Germans have locked the door the Germans dictate how fast the music goes and because they're German that's very fast indeed Germans have two speeds for their music on part and techno huh Greeks fully went in through the wrong door they could have been so happy right now one club further up gone so everything everything Greeks are living on it's handouts from the Germans that's hard Greece is an old culture they have their pride it's difficult the Germans give him all their money and they can tell them the things they want them to do so they can treat Greece however they want usually it's like a naughty teenager like yeah okay Greece you can have your pocket money but first you must tidy your room the Greeks like hey we invented philosophy yeah the inventors of Hawkes wagon ones a mercedes-benz you go by shitlords of cells so tidy your room or it's back into the techno club you little [ __ ] Germans have got it this time they are on it like yeah the last two times we tied it was a little bit awkward with all of the killing of the people not at this time this time it is much better this time we just buy it we work a little longer would we spend a little less and we just buy it because also last time people kite crosses us this is you must not be killing all of these people like yah they are knowing this now this time is better look we have receipted quick stop I'd like to ever finish a show without giving the audience a piece of advice and I've got a piece of advice for everyone in this audience especially anyone who's got children but have advice for you is always lie to your children always so never tell them the truth just lie they ask you anything just lie no because every plenty of time when they grow up to find out the truth now I always like there's a theory of parenting that you should never lie to kids you know apart from obviously father Christmas the tooth fairy and how hot the food is which is fair enough if they've been giving you a difficult day it's a bit of payback isn't it yeah those fish fingers have been out for ages yeah work away it's the new smacking but they say part that you should you should never lie to your children I lie to my children all the time and one night was put one of my daughters to bed she said to me daddy are there monsters under the bed and I said yes oh god this horrible monsters under your bed oh you don't meet them put your feet down on the bedroom floor any point in the night they'll reach out grab your ankles and drag you under the bed and they'll take you off into a labyrinth of turds and wasps and he's on duty till about 7 o'clock in the morning there isn't cops off at 7:00 he's like a pub chef in the countryside so if you wake up about quarter to seven just wait 15 minutes then come and disturb your mommy and your daddy in fact I think he's on duty now stay on the bed stay past a mr. Tiddles stay on the bed stay on the bed goodnight you know some people say that's not ideal parenting but I think it's better than the alternative which is to tell the truth they say daddy are there monsters under the bed and you go ahead because then they'll ask are there monsters outside and if you tell the truth you have to go yeah but they don't look like monsters no ordinary men and women like your mommy and your daddy of terrible things good night anyway please put your hands together for the axe you saw tonight Romesh Ranganathan Marcus bridge stop [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Ovid

Views: 1,420,986

Rating: 4.7498922 out of 5

Keywords: Live at the Apollo, Sean Lock, Romesh Ranganathan, Marcus Brigstocke

Id: Bt7QWAMu0nw

Length: 43min 50sec (2630 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 28 2018