10 Hilarious Comedy Bits of Series 10 | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

now when you're in a new relationship you'd all have had this experience it's very exciting for everyone else around you so people always ask Oh how's it going and it's such a difficult question to answer now how are you supposed to actually describe the feeling of being in love using language it doesn't come anywhere near the truth at the beginning I used to attempt to use analogies so people will say Oh how's it going and I would say oh it's like I've always been a plant but it used to be in a garden centre or a supermarket and a shelf and now I'm in the garden and you can't say that to people I've learned that so now what happens people go oh how's it going and I say fine and then my friend the other day she said well you don't seem very happy and I said yeah that's because I'm not with him I'm here with you apparently that's very rude actually Sarah it's very importantly to stay in contact with your friends but why I've got him now and then she said well what about if you break up but if we break up then I'll kill myself so I still don't need you and we live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure and that's what really concerned me at the beginning with my boyfriend over us how happy I was I started worrying that we would break up one day because all of my previous relationships have finished and I don't want that to happen and what I found out is you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning it ruins everything and it's illogical it's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the Grim Reaper turning up a job interview and going ah what's the point if you don't sack me I'll quit and so that's why I was thinking about other couples I thought a lot about Adam and Eve because they of course were the original couple and yeah sure at the beginning it's all magical it's all staying up late counting each other's ribs and laughing over time the magic fades his boring she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating and then their landlord kicked them out it's one of their kids kills the other one and if they can't make it work in paradise what chance have I gotten nourish him when I was little I wanted to be a stunt man I want to be a skateboarder an astronaut I wanted to be in a remake of the a-team all I want to do now is to sit in a comfortable armchair in a darkened room and just breathe everything else has gone by the ways well having seen the a-team remake I have at least dodged so much right until I had children for instance I had absolutely no idea that there is no strongest substance known to man than Weetabix and milk once it's dried that stuff is absolutely astonishing isn't it it's sort of beyond our old age men's shoes with it bridges I mean they're very keen to learn there is firing questions at me where do babies come from I've seen no idea seemingly no way of stopping it I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever I in about for a bit years I've accrued I think it's fair to say there's no parenting skills whatsoever they give me the total runaround some people say it's like herding cats it's worth it it's like trying to get a hewlett-packard printer to work I mean you paid out all this money and it doesn't do a single bloody thing that you asked it to it's a it's a complete nightmare they give me the total total run around all day long then leave me on the very brink of sanity and so at the end of the day when I could not be more shattered more exhausted more stressed that is when I have to leave the house and come out to work right well all to fund the milk saturated lifestyle of my infant captors I mean I would do anything for them of course I would absolutely anything that's what that's what being a parent is being a parent is essentially having Stockholm Syndrome just hopelessly in love with the very people holding you hostage I mean I've had to change the way I live my life of course I am I've had to calm down I'm sure you can well I'm sure we can all remember the old rock-and-roll me it's a bit crazy for a while back there well I certainly used to read more new Blue's friends I've had children they look at them sometimes but they've really changed everything if really they've really mellowed would you say they haven't mellowed they are broken always really calm down hasn't it used to be so ambitious he's much common and that's me of course he's not ambitious anymore there's simply no point in being ambitious anymore why is the mind of dreaming about Hollywood if you can't even finish your bloody musi before lunchtime there's not possible to finish your muesli before lunchtime now because the entire morning just consists of being interrupted when you've got that many young children charging about the place you get interrupted so often that eventually the interruptions themselves start getting interrupted desperately trying to clean all the milk off the floor after breakfast all the food that hits it at lunchtime doesn't splash then someone opens up a freezer and gets a bag of peas out and starts spilling them all over the floor desperately trying to sweep them up and then someone ominously shouts I'm painting from the hallway now run out they're fine they've got hold of a loo brush they're just rubbing it against the wall it is a quarter to 6:00 in the morning [Music] well ladies in general have not got myself worked up into yet another state wonder actually in retrospective haven't slightly under played the work that our nanny does somewhere on this train is a nice little Spanish family nice little Spanish phone phone to Europe on a summer holidays um play because they've seen the Olympics yeah let's go to London cuz we told him didn't we all come to London we all wear matching tracksuits and we help each other do come Duke now they're seeing the truth this is London now they're on this train terrified and they bought the tickets ages ago didn't they and gave them to the kids at Christmas periods or at least must present perfectly serviceable Spanish accent I ain't changing it just because you are frightened by performance you've put me on a character now hang on I need to get back in then we lose the rhythm don't lose the rhythm here yes it is your Christmas put it in tell you when I stop laughing at your voice this summer we're going on our holidays to London town that's right London town but when we get there please don't speak out loud because people were laugh in your face and then 2012 Olympic London but we go in there in 2013 because it's cheaper what's an apartment he's on the edge of the city so every day we wake up or we'll have some breakfast we did attorney to town we go to Buckingham Palace we watch a shot you can stay up late every night and we get a last train back to the apartment in the city of London don't sweat there on this train now seen for the first time what London is really like and they're gonna go back Huntley and their friends are gonna say how was your holiday in London they're gonna say let me tell you something that you get the train in London Jesus cracking and [ __ ] puke you don't worry you pick meme a piece you do you have to swim out of the Train friends are gonna say why were so drunk was he the festival or something it was he sunshine come out the doctor did get quite worried about me he was like Aisling you're going to have to get out of the house during the day and I was like doc I'd love to but my naps are not going to take themselves but my my mother was equally worried she was like gosh like he's trying get out of the house and maybe do some exercise build up your strength and your muscle do a bit of exercise but I actually find it highly offensive that my mother would suggest that I do exercise because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability which prevents me from doing any exercise which is where I can't and I can't be arsed I can't be I just kind of can't be and I would love to be arsed I would love to be one of those people who's naturally asked to do things but I just sort of can't be and I mean my disability affects me in so many ways my ability to clean the bottom of the listen ring my auntie's back at Christmas I would love to but I just heard it can't be ours too I mean I just don't like moving too much I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away than move I don't really like moving too much I don't even listen to sad music in case I'll be moved and I think the reason that I don't like exercise is because the school I went to didn't have much money so the sports facilities weren't great and so a lot of the sort of Sport and Exercise we used to do used to leave us really pregnant really pregnant it's just not there it really isn't and I would love to be I would love to be in to exercise and stuff but I just can't be arsed I'll be honest well I did get tricked into going to Pilates class because I thought was pronounced pilots 15 minutes I wonder when they're going to let us fly the planes my friend Broner suggested that I do something social like ping-pong table tennis ping pong - I mean I just the board moves too fast I can never see it to me ping pong just looks like two perverts spanking a ghost and my flatmates death is American she's American and she's always doing this thing called running bra running for those of you don't know what running is it's something that she would naturally do only when you're being chased I don't understand it staff is always just going for a run she's always just going for a run unless I'm being chased by something terrible there's no natural panic in my legs that makes me want to go any faster than this I sort of whimsical saunter that's kinda grande by me but Steph's always just heading out the door going for a run hey I'm just gonna go for a run go for a run I'm just gonna go fur on stiff get such a puss out of going for a run that two days later she'll do it again no bite I do I still have fond memories being a team sat around with my mates throw-in topics at each other to do like freestyle rhymes about you know and if anyone would offer offer like maybe suggest police oh the P word yeah guarantees someone to jump up like y'all know I know I took such as oh no no no I just wanna live my life but feds keep watching me every second man police are cooking me so many times I get this in the day somebody told me why they discriminate I'm on my way to a weed cell got the drugs in the car by the knife no seat belt yeah no wing mirror no license I'm a nephew taught me how to drive this cocaine and a big glass of rum to choose my godly man through two sons prejudiced policeman what's the reason [Applause] my garden my knife my drugs you want to take my bootleg DVDs you confiscate and now I can't drink and drive why won't these pigs let me live my life [Music] and it's an awkward moment right it's an awkward moment in that room you know cuz I'm amongst friends here and they're looking at me for some kind of response you know I don't know what to say so I'm stood there like an idiot yeah bloody police clamping down on illegal activity happy with my fellow now for nearly ten years but you know when you first get together with somebody the first six months especially if you have an inkling it might be a long-term thing and there was first six months together a just glorious aren't then you think each other are perfect and then after six months you think wow perfect pushing it a bit things I could do what she engine then you've got a project isn't it lovely having a project to change about my fella I need to tell you this first I love waving I don't know why I've always loved waving I love it when I wave Fornell about when people we have back to me I'm gonna wave to you now and see how many of you wave back Oh loads of you are thank you very much it makes me really happy and it's one of the main reasons alone to drive my fellow just way it doesn't occur to him in the slightest and when we first got together he dropped me off at the train station one day and I got out of the car and I said I'll see you one Mundy said yeah but I give you a ring when I get into my I said smashing and then I just checked that I was at the right entrance for the train station for my particular platform and I turned to give him a little way of goodbyes and the car was already in the distance few years later I was gone Australia for the first time I was traveling the lawn I was gonna be away for six weeks I was very nervous understandably he dropped me off at the airport he helped me out of the boot and I said I'm gonna miss you and he said I'm gonna miss you too but he said you're gonna have an amazing time we can Skype whenever you like and I'll come and get you in six weeks on this very spot melt melt now check my handbag to make sure I had my passport and my ticket and then I turned to see the car already on the Moto e so ceremony a few weeks ago you know the way I've been thing you said or did I forget to do it again I'm sorry I said don't worry about it I said you know how much I love it he said yes I know how much you love to wave so knows just wondering if there was like a bargain anything we could do he said I don't know what you mean I said well for example is there anything I don't do that you'd like me to start doing turns out fathered about women is a thought we are in it the more technologically advanced our forms of communication get the more pointless the subject matter seems to be you and you think about what you would never tweet someone something important or relevant would you you would never tweet someone to inform them a death in the family be a bit harsh dad's dead hashtag feel I was on Twitter once right I know it's largely pointless in this story sums it up right I was on Twitter once and I thought I'd invented a new breakfast this is what I did I took a four word of it and I sent it out because that's what we gotta do that to the rule you've got food you take a four door you send it all that didn't happen all right I've made this invention is breakfast and I thought I wouldn't have anyone out there has had this now if you are going to take a fall or some food and claim to have invented a new food research it first before you put it on the internet because they will let you know quickly if they're not happy with it this is what I did I got two bits of brown bread and I toasted them put them on a plate forming the basis of two breakfast hours I started building thusly beans beans cheese cheese so fossils standard curveball fried egg fried egg all right fair enough you haven't changed the world and you hadn't cured a disease but I thought has anyone out there in the world of Twitter had these things in this order turns out a lot of angry people has got hundreds of replies abuse all day I've got my top three favorite replies here I'm over it but I carry them around and we pop it in at number three all capital letters be needing prick I mean I'm a human being is there any need it's almost nice to hear from a fan though number two a teenage girl brought you haven't invented anything I have that every week but without the cheese no you're doing then that's not the whole point in an invention well how about every week but it's fudge well in a number one this sums up the Internet this reply this came in straight away straight away it was the first reply the anger the fury the immediacy of it all capitals eggs should have been parched which is that I can tell you what your spear animal is Joe it's a walrus well what do I do with this information Janet it is useless but you said walrus will talk to you and tell you to do things and you should listen to that inner voice to that inner walrus I shouldn't listen to my inner voice because it is normally things like kick that toddler unacceptable things but she kept saying listen to the voice and then she said I do normally charge for this service it is normally thirty pounds but as for at a party do it for half price at it for fifteen as I walrus does you can piss off but then the next day I found this walrus ring online by chance after searching for hours for one and since I've been wearing it friends of mine think that it has changed me they think that I go into myself at social occasions and it's me going what did you say walrus prostitute you know silly things but I've noticed that walrus comes out with real jobs worths I don't know if you have this in London in Birmingham we have an app where you can pay for parking on the app and you don't have to buy a ticket I tried it for the first time you put a location code in put the code in went into a nearby coffee shop had just got my coffee and a parking enforcement officer was next to my car that's what they call themselves with his little computer with a pen on a string in case I drop it dick it as putting my pigtails in so I went out to my said a paid for parking look I've got a receipt on my phone it was eight minutes ago and he looked at it anyway no this location code is for leads and I said well I've clearly just made a mistake of an eye and he went well I don't know that do i I say yes you do because if I'm lying then what you're suggesting I've done is parked in Leeds and then driven 120 miles in 8 minutes that's what you're suggesting I've put it into the computer now you'll have to complain at the office it's only five minutes down the road thatch is about three seconds in my hyper car got to the office met sweaty Sheeran oh my god it was it was so hot in that office she looked like a bit of wet scrambled egg in a chair just and she had a thick Brummie accent as well she was talking to somebody in the back office when I went in she's going is that yeah making me a carpet a stave and then she looked at me and went the day I here stayed making me a cup of tea it's a day I hear a rocking horse to a plop that's the weirdest imagery I've ever heard was that and explain the situation to her gave her the phone and everything she looked at the phone looked at a computer back at the phone and she went it says loose I know Sharon I put the wrong code in well enough to complain at the Leeds office I've been in Leeds Sharon she looks game design but how did you get here so quickly you would have had to drag the speed limit I would have put a break the speed of sound Cheryl so annoyed so annoyed I said is there anyone else I can talk to about this she said you could speak to Steve over there I decided not to speak to Steve for a number of reasons the main one being he was trying to eat a yogurt with a pen lid I just didn't feel he was competent so in the end I just had to leave kept the fine paid it still got it to this day and after I'd left walrus was like you idiot you could have done anything in there you could have killed her the perfect alibi where were you when the murder friend them up in Scotland that was won by the noir campaign and Alistair Darwin I thought it'd be good if when he won Alistair darlings eyebrows had finally turned into butterflies he wasn't even able to look surprise the booty David Beckham said the people of Scotland an open letter an open layout because he couldn't work out how to get to enter the envelope people said you on the campaign hours anti English I couldn't be more through English that's not the best thing for independence would have been if England had won the World Cup because you would have been so unbearable that we would have to leave whatever happens next I think it's important that Scotland does something that puts England on the back foot something that Englund won't expect and the last thing that you are expecting is for us to form an Islamic caliphate is independent Scotland we can do this okay we'll have to learn how to eat women slightly better but we can change I think people don't understand enough about international politics today in Scotland people think that NATO is just the net name you gave to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes [Laughter] it's malliband him up for the referendum now I'm gonna go ahead and 11 here and see I don't think ed Miliband will win the election because if he can't persuade his own face to do it it tells it to it's malliband said he wanted to militarize the Scottish border he imagined been a Scottish border guards haven't added cavity searches just to keep your hands warm holding back the English refugees at Newcastle Newcastle been the first set in history that Tom bent our refugee camp and got less mental things are actually a lot more civilized know that were ruled over by a horse militia do you want people in Scotland one what they really want in my experience is they won't transport to run normally in the winter through three feet of snow that's all they ever moan about raisin toast to moving through the snow what you've really wine is for the pilot to come over then a calm and go well I've been told that it's not safe to take off but I thought let's give it a go my favorite food is canapes love canapes canapes is the French word for hors d'oeuvres love canapes but the only problem with canapes is you could you only get them at parties right and they're almost counterproductive to the party atmosphere because the whole idea of a party is just supposed to be mingling and meeting people hello but you can't concentrate if there's canapes in the room those silver trays of treats be to be taken around I mean you're in a conversation because you have to be you know yes such interesting oh he's five no is he that's fascinating oh they're new they're new sorry because you've always got to keep one eye on the canopy's company because you don't want to miss your turn oh that's a horrible feeling when you're talking to some prick about schools private that's the thing isn't oh shut up that's the mini beef Wellington's with just shut up when the canapes arrive you prick shut up when the canapes your life school your kid goes to so many beef Wellington's gone because you can't chase a canapé can't do that undignified walk you know that's talking to a mister can I just get the other the other thing with canapes is and you know this you've always got to act surprised when they come you have to do that's the rules you can't wait for counter peace you can't just stand there at a party like that you can't yeah you've got to pretend to be in a conversation yes that's variant or she's 11 though well that is whoa I didn't know there was gonna be food did you know there was gonna be food I had no idea this food look at that that's great isn't it food that door what a lovely surprise you're not surprised you've been tracking the bloody thing for 20 minutes you know every stop it's made you know how many have been taken making the mental calculations in your head right okay we should be all right with the sausage rules they've just come out not just shoot up at the volleyball no quiche this guy's been really greedy in this guy stop the stories left baby barely too many of those quiche obviously many beef Wellington's cos Union and the cheese and here they come now so anyway anyway school

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 904,507

Rating: 4.5830059 out of 5

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, live at the apollo series 10, live at the apollo compilation, sarah millican, joe lycett, chris ramsey, doc brown, frankie boyle, aisling bea, jon richardson, sara pascoe, danny bhoy, miles jupp, live at the apollo, aisling bea stand up, aisling bea live at the apollo, frankie boyle live at the boyle, doc brown rap, joe lycett parking ticket

Id: s1jmtY88WEc

Length: 29min 19sec (1759 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 06 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/hummus12345]

Aisling Bea is great and fun on the panel shows