7 Funniest Routines From Series 3! | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

we just make [ __ ] decisions man making moral decisions we make irrelevant decisions we make immature decisions we make decisions when we don't even know there's a decision to be made but you know ah at least we make a decision [Applause] [Music] let's try this one on with a class whoa hey look at all the couples sitting there and I look you listen to him you listener I went to see Patrick Kielty the other night was he funny no but he was true is it just me am i in indecision magnets hey honestly I can get all sorts women can I get a woman who would make a decision I'm not talking big decisions not talking sure to murder your man moved to Australia talking to everyday decisions what do you want to do tonight I don't know what are you gonna do well we wanna know we go for takeaway or we could get a movie or go for a meal what do you want to do no I don't know what do you wanna do so you go to the restaurant the sommelier comes over would sir like redwood sir like white oak I don't know maybe maybe the rabbit then the red stains my teeth maybe the white but hang on are you having the fish but if you're having the fish then you slip the white novel else oh I don't know I really don't really not sure just the red please yeah save yourself go for it I have to live with this okay - do the starter or what - no maybe maybe maybe the duck or the other prawns or the documents am i allergic to the duck did you like the prawns oh I don't know I'm not sure I didn't know if you were me what would you have you by the [ __ ] throat girls have you any idea how difficult it is for a man to sit in a restaurant look across at the woman he loves and think to himself if I marry this woman she's gonna want to decide the name of my firstborn child if I marry this woman and I'm unfaithful she's going to decide whether to keep me in the house or make me leave and keep half my stuff if I'm involved in a terrible accident and I'm on a life-support machine she's gonna decide whether to keep me alive or turn me off but I'm looking at her and she can't even make her mind up between the chocolate cake and the sticky toffee pudding and you know the worst thing about this I'm looking at a couples I'm looking at a couple's now who women should not be turned into the man ago oh my god when I turn it off would it keep it on when I turn it off when I keep it up and the only thing going through your minds girls chocolate cake toffee pudding Buffy Party editor for you is the keep hot remember years ago when they were making breve ha everyone said oh it's ridiculous Mel Gibson plainness Scottish guy that's not gonna be very convincing and look at him now an alcoholic racists the more scotch thing I've ever seen I was going through a chain called bath game at name and there was a guy passing against the front door whether he then took his keys and went inside I'm from Glasgow if I had to explain why's go to you I'd see that if I had to pack a set in the world but I could depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire to punch a flaming man we should get a thought without blowing up and use it as the welcome scene as far as airports and underneath we should have the web's Scotland welcomes careful drivers I'm in the naivety of al-qaeda trying to bring religious war to high school for 400 years ahead you guys you've not even got a football team there's a phallus isn't that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned these were Scottish people flying to Spain [Applause] people say it's good they didn't have a fuel therefore I think it's good they doesn't have the cue coming over the duty-free Rajkumar - Tommy I've got back the crit and drive on in Scotland at the minute because that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert more ginger people this way they couldn't send Prince Hardy they couldn't afford the resources required to start developing facto 60,000 sunblock it's not always the friendliest place in the world would Scotland I wouldn't saw in English going wise go which I thought that I paint alarcón and lame in the barman when we don't do cocktails we can't just be dual negative bastards up there John Logie Baird invented the TV and when people came up to congratulate me when I but there's fuck-all on we're looking forward to the Olympics in London I'll take that as a no you see the Olympics is gonna re tend all English national parade I mean come on four main point two billion you could have written [ __ ] off Germany on to the moon my mother used to fight bathing suits with blow holes in them I don't wanna go into my childhood here because it's wrong my parents hated me okay we're all going to hear the story I don't mean my parents handed me to my parent all I haven't heard all I ever heard growing up is why can't you be like a cousin Sheila why can't you be like your cousin Sheila Sheila had died at birth they just wherever we go like in front of a street they take each parent would take my hand hold our hand we're crossing the street and then they swing me into the traffic they used to say take candy from strangers in it that's the funny man in the raincoat does he own a van yeah I I had a very bad childhood and that's because and I'm sure none of you give a damn but I was the only Jewish kid this is the absolute truth growing up in an all Catholic neighborhood you know that's the Irish people only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood you know that's like you were all doing Hail Marys I was doing Hail Marys I mean it was just no Christmas tree no Christmas tree do you know what that's like when you're the only kid without Christmas everybody has Christmas trees and nowadays it's like well we do it for all foods it's such [ __ ] yeah we walk into a into a an office building and there's a Christmas tree and there's a rinoa [ __ ] that Christmas tree goes it's like a little shitty menorah with two orange lights and some angry Puerto Ricans slip backwards I mean it yes mom you let those lights backwards [ __ ] you you killed Oh Lord I'm at the age where I figure screwed I'm gonna have a Christmas tree I got the biggest Christmas tree in I got a two-story High Christmas tree I put everything you could think of on that up-up-up-up-up gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous on the bottom I got that the manger I got the whole goddamn thing going there the wise man that sheep the only thing is I had the baby but I'm Jewish I got him a nanny it was just me and I redressed Mary she didn't look good that stupid thing over her head come on I put her in a Chanel suit Manolo Blahniks and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook you're the mother of god look [Applause] [Music] if she looked like that should have gotten into the in yes the point is it's about looks Mary she looked good she would have done that mother Teresa oh don't give me Oh mother Teresa if she looked better she'd be a saint by now did she need electrolysis let's talk to each other he even lepers were throwing their fingers out here cuz it is all about looks this is my message Great Britain this is my passage looks count education looks count I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life peeping toms look at my window pull down the shade you have my gynecologist examines me by telephone it is and I got marked once and I don't know if you've ever been marked and fought back I did right so scary I was in Brighton this but push me guess what we're doing all your money anybody I genuinely called for my mum how pathetic is her trouble my mom's a meerkat all of a sudden I told my little brother about getting mark did he care no it we suffer what happened Russ a little bit we come out he got really angry would you do that for all I got done on purpose I'm not told did drunk ward him off with my venomous piece dad secrete toad boy show him your powers I've got my pants he offered me advice January we know you're a waitress just use your brine next time bamboozle the maka that was his genuine advice but don't you booze and anybody so give us all your money well you say that but what my friend is the opposite two opposite consider yourself bamboozled who's next you like my credit card details what color does a smurf go when we choke it you know bamboozle oh the worst superhero in the world if I was gonna have any superpower I'd like the ability to make somebody orgasm just by touching the wants not for sexual purposes that would be amazing at a fine that skill rather skill one beer be in the zoo causing a great deal of mischief which animal old lady the hippo you got it alluring no sex I've got confidence actually but I make mistakes do not have it has anyone ever tried using food in the bedroom is anyone who you know we're not telling you this so Bob's like 19 and I read in a magazine like fifty nine ways to please your lady and you using food so I went and bought now this is a mistake I went and bought a full pack of roller yogurt and go over then tell by then girl from what I had planned I'd pretty much waited for her like some hideous you're gurgling is anything more terrifying and yet pathetic to come home and find your boyfriend naked holding your girl I panicked and I didn't put a little bit on a see we're both fine with the arrangement I pretty much covered her rice skin I could find but the time I'd finish she looked a bit like morph you she's no longer wonder off right now she's an angry male anyway when you start licking you can't lick randomly then she looks ah she's got an illness so I did foot up to knee that took me an hour going out with a whole bit two hours later we realize she's dairy intolerant we're down the doctors she no longer hungry gingerbread lady would have her leg dipped in tippex put me name in the internet the other day or wish I'd never bothered I'm on a website 20 celebrities that like to punch calm Madonna JLo Tom Cruise and then me I'm the only one who can't afford a [ __ ] body guard outside Morrison's this you know it'd be made cross between Riverdance and a doggy paddler if it can go wrong anything will with me honestly I just attract bad luck how many people do know can get sexual assaulted on a Jack the Ripper walk according was part of the experience Oh Jack your hands are cold now honestly if you look like a victim you get treated like a victim don't you sir now I mean that's right when I went and got me glasses out the afternoon off school he comes in with these glasses honestly that thick that thick I said I can't see the board not the Pennines you can see the future you can see the future now it's horrible when you lose your sight is horrible I was on the train every day they've got Braille now in the toilets in the Train if a blind person couldn't smell that was the [ __ ] soil ooh we're not gonna go buffet car changing unit in Braunau changing unit blind person changing a baby on a train in a toilet what could possibly go wrong let's make it interesting Hawks and roller skates on my dad's still not pleased that I'm doing this job always not happy my parents they're pushy parents but they're not pushes those pen she got ano Britain's Got Talent or stars in your eyes kids those parents are too pushy n't they you know in the door opens and the smoke clears you can see the parents thoughts and get on that the luminance trembling at the back going who the hell's Patsy got crazy the worst thing for me was being picked for the team that was awful remember sandal are waiting to get pics like ethnic cleansing won't it all the fit and healthy people are warnings me in the fat to be cut out of a hula hoop the bully named Nikki Nikki Ida got a lost property box do you remember the smell from lost property box those clothes won't last box disclosed that Africa had sent back this vessel that's what they were doing food over to Africa what did my mom send pineapple chunks and peach slices now one question that I get asked all the time so don't text me with this is if you could take a pill that make you thin would you take it course I'll bleed and well would I would like to take a pill that made me sick stone then I could eat my way back up to ten brilliant weekend that a bee wouldn't you see and I think there's two types of people in the world right and it's all to do with how they eat biscuits right because the first type of person makes a cup of tea gets a plate out opens the packet of biscuits takes one biscuit out puts it on the plate and eats it very daintily off the plate folds the packet back up but it's still a tape over the top to keep it fresh for next month should be executed the rest of us get a packet out eat the whole [ __ ] lot without taking the cover off to me and consequently end up looking like me because I've always had a white problem you know when I was a teenager I remember going to see the Careers mr. session what do you want to do I'd like to be a nurse or get married she better be a nurse then when I was actually a teenager and I wasn't frightened of teenage boys but I'm terrified of them now they're a scary bunch aren't they and you know I actually have teenage nephews and one of them always has a sign on his door saying keep out like you're going in there without a flamethrower then we might crampons dear I'm just popping into tackled tissue mountain and of course the worst thing I think you can do with teenagers is try and kind of get down and speak their language they hate that don't they which is why I quite like doing it to my course last year right because I went round for months going to people come would you look at that minja over that is a major and a half and I found out that this is actually wrong to my cost outside my local parks there were two teenage boys I'm glad look at that ninja Lincoln Manjula is Oh for Christ's sake it's minger and that's our mum do we have many politically active people in tonight Wow well does because I've been the Labour Party supporter all my life and in fact at the last election I was asked by Tony Blair against speakers a rally in Hove oh joy but you know it just made me think standing in the front row with all these dignitaries these Labour Party duties I've come a long way since [ __ ] behind the bike sheds because I have blanket their ID Shri Blair their Tony Blair came along the road shaking everyone's hand got to me and said thanks for doing this Jo kiss me on the lips trying to get his tongue in to do me speech blanketed under my bra I'm mad for it they are I was shocked you know because I was brought up in the little country village the only thing we had to do at the weekend was bell ringing I don't want to tried that but it's much harder than it looks which I believe is something John Prescott says to a lot of women that he means looking at me going sheet look at his hair now in the mid stage of growing an afro unaware that this is the [ __ ] stage for some reason this ain't known case people license to shout out [ __ ] to me in the street so for your information I know what year it is I've never been near a car wash and who the [ __ ] is shaft I walk down the road Shire shaft I look down my [ __ ] is hanging out yes ladies some stereotypes I can live with big [ __ ] there happened to be a look around the room so many sinners sitting here amongst us tonight oh yes there are there's a man sitting right in my eyeline sitting right over there look at him openly openly wearing glasses new sound Jesus the Lord gave you vision at a limited rate you defy him I wanted to see more you think you are remove your glasses see much is really here look at this pretty lady don't fight you talking about your eyes that you want to me okay I can't keep it up I've never left the country [Applause] it's very very very pleased to be here tonight I want to tell a bit but myself because I've started off quite aggressive so I pull back right my parents arrived in London in the 60s and London in the 60s was very very similar to Australia now diversity my first day at primary school and man into the classroom I went straight back home and I went mom mom apparently there's a black boy in mock laughs find him anywhere so you young people you're very very lucky right young people how do you sound right there you 16 what you II born 1991 did you hear that noise that's called jealousy in this room with Underpants and socks older than you what are you from child where you saw London big place scale it down I'm not driving a mini car [Applause] Kelvin North London yeah South London representing you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 85,773

Rating: 4.7177615 out of 5

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, Live At The Apollo, Live, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedian, Comedian Routine, Routine, Bit, Funny, Compilation, Funniest, Russell Howard, Alan Carr, Jason Manford, Joe Brand, Joan Collins, Joan Collins Stand Up, Patrick Kielty, bbc comedy greats yes minister, bbc comedy greats blackadder, Frankie Boyle, Stephen K Amos, live at the apollo compilation

Id: IVujSOfOmeE

Length: 25min 9sec (1509 seconds)

Published: Wed May 27 2020