Peter Kay - The tour that doesn't tour 2011

so a lot of that were what a cock-up the lift got stuck supposed to be doing dvd tonight or the ball's up lights didn't cover the expecting mick fleetwood up well 15 nights in this place look at the bloody size of it huge let's have a look at you let me borrow that camera let's see who we've got in tonight give it here here we go come on moving on tonight oh my god he's been upstaged who's that you call me your mum have you called me a mum hello you all right who's that bill oddie's in there you go all right bill come on hey yo what's happening to you no seats you can't sit there you're a fire hazard sir don't crouch down there's 14 000 people looking at you what's point to that it was a wave oh there's been a bit of a domestic going on there i want to talk about it what about over here we go back oh he loves it up oh look at him he's out of his mind look at them teeth mother to god sugar by the way this is the show i do two hours of this then i go off case you're wondering good evening you beauties there look at you that's my bread and butter i'm loving that that checkered top there that's a belt of that there you go that's the old cocoon area that's your thing there's my lovely crew back there where are they it was a wave oh look at that it's that last supper that shot though what's that hello you seem happy you seem very oh wait up then again oh we're never we're there in front there she's hugging your limelight what's she doing where's your car worker you're not leaving you on your own what are you doing there look at that lady there she's flattened a bit of grass aren't you that one hey hey with him with him hey amber hey that all swingers them in that block though they're in dorbaman off build call though they've had a bit together angelina jolie without the makeup there yeah hey cheers to you angelina there you go and that's my fantastic audience for the last night tonight strap yourselves in ladies and gentlemen for 20 minutes of comedy dragged over a two-hour show here we go special special oh yes good to be back on night hello going to start with a bit of sad news though mayor to mine's just been sacked off dodgems but he's doing him for fun for dismissal i ordered a pizza last night i asked for a thin and crusty supreme they sent me down a russ you say that dave can i say that but he called a welsh man with a stick up his arse is this some either what'd he call a welsh man with a stick of his ass the taffy apple tell the kids tomorrow i love that what do mexicans put underneath the carpets underlay thank you sister thank you bailed us all out this then you did carry jokey and you did the accent where'd you sombrero why access to her husband never take me anywhere expensive anymore he said get your calls on say why we're going petrol station sorry cocoon sorry for the effing he's blue sit down he's blue he's heaven and jeff and he's still there woman went at doctors she had a piece of lettuce sticking out top of her knickers true storyline true story doctor that looks nasty iceberg tsunami a filth fella says to his wife why don't you tell me when you orgasm should i don't like ringing you at work right i'll have a short interval and i'll see in a bit thank you very much i'm joking thanks for coming tonight always helps having an audience thanks for buying a ticket tonight technically you are my employers tonight what do you think about that there you go i'm judging by that prick i wish i'd thrown a sticky i can't throw a sickie in this game it's not when you're self-employed it's not like when i worked at cash and carry i can't get rakeem my fruit and veg come and tell some jokes for 20 minutes those days are gone and people don't even fall in sick anymore they're texting sick now what's all that about texting him work sick up all night coming out of both ends send that's it job done piece of piece go to the daisy you're sick boys no one does a bloody sick voice anymore that used to be a skill that doing your sick voice you staff get sights up and bend over it all all the nonsense squint your eyes don't get out don't don't you make me laugh don't don't don't don't ring it up work stick don't stare at the doorman you can either ring up at six o'clock in the morning until clean up tell manager you weren't coming in yesterday i didn't feel well that's what you do before plant the seed there before altenew is it me i don't think i'll be in tomorrow no i think it's one of them 24-hour things that's all you want don't be saying there's anything more than that don't worry about a stroke or something like that christ you got to follow it up for weeks then go around working about that step well your man come right up there club you got a pen we got pen well there it is oh what a dale if you want a week off tell them a member of your family's dad that's always a bell to that if you want obviously obviously one you don't like i'm not bloody sick my uncle nobody he died three times and i worked at neto he would always die in that fella then he come in did he's big shop i've got a written warning if you feel better will you be in after dinner oh i don't know can i ring you back don't say that don't say that you want to enjoy your more enough now you've got to go through saying rigmarole again after loose women don't say that and if you do your sick voice too much then you actually start feeling bloody sick for real next thing you don't couch with a duvet and a bowl of chicken soup psychological apocandria that's what that is a lot of blocks suffer from that me included blocks of murder blocks in every hill they're always dying you can't just be at least like oh my god i swear i had something in my eye well you thought are in early stages of glaucoma where are we carrying on they're the cataracts i've got a caltrax in my eye don't let them go up to internet and google it i i put it in scroll down i saw it word tumor oh my god that ray kiss the kids for me because i am not going to see them all you can feel it when i blink it's like a great oh just an eyelash just an hour say go into toilet middle at night walk into toilet oh tripped up well you'd have thought i were christopher reeve where we're carrying on i can't feel anything rip your neck down hell me i can't feel me legs your wife's like get up you know what i fell over and all her shoes pissing shoes what is it about women in shoes put them in wardrobe what's the match she's like purdy from new avengers when she comes in giving it high kicks bang that's it break your neck that's what you want eleven stiletto embedded it's all your foot at three o'clock in the morning second round from total wipe out trying to slash an arrow king jupiter why a court anger i stood in a way a court anger and that end hook bit went right up under my big toenail honest god it's not a panto what's great what's this oh oh what and what's work sympathetic painful faces what are you doing though what's this oh oh that is your first love oh i'm sorry oh i'm sorry mother god i i drew blood i have a tetanus tetanus i'm not a tetanus since i'm a fifth year and i played jesus and kevin crompton bank nails in too deep oh black toe a black toe sunk cross that can be a fireman's lift get me down nuns and i don't like needles as i've got older that's why i've stopped shooting up i don't like needles i won't look dentists because i won't have an injection i lost a filling for christmas i lost quality street toffee penny be warned be warned i'm suing him i'll tell you that and i'm suing um ebenezer blue arbor for getting me to jogging bottoms giving me a false sense of security so i lost the filling but i want good dentist because i don't like needles anyway left it and left it it turned into a bloody abscess agony it all came to an end when i sucked on a slush puppy at thomasland to drink love i know we're going oh oh i've got to get home i've got to get home i'm in the people carrier we're for under five five-year-olds listening to wiggles and i thought i've got to get back home so i piled everyone in car i got on m6 tall road back to bolton i had my money ready 450 used to be 380 robbing bastards i went to the automated one pulled up again with me tooth open the window okay it's electric those days are gone hey none of that anymore electric brought my window got me 450 threw it into the bucket missed oh can you miss stopping 350 went in coin went straight under people carrier i'm like crazy i've got to get out no i can't tell a member of staff because there's no bugger there i've got about that much room open my door it's banging i can't go forward there's a barrier i'm trying to get out and slide down onto i don't know if you've noticed i'm big boned so i'm trying to get down onto my knees there's a car behind me beeping waiting pearship prick i'm out floria listen to hot potato or the wiggles i can see pound coin it's right under center at people carrier laughing at me i end up i'm on my knees on the floor is wet it's that fine ring soaks you through and i'm lying on the tarmac on my abscess cheek reaching for this pencil i walk up in a 24-hour emergency dentist in tamworth and he will cross-eyed he would cross-eyed this dentist what a god i don't mean cross-eyed like that you know when your eyes meet it middle you look past me you know sometimes you get them people and they're slightly boss side they look past you when they're talking awful because when he i woke up he went mr k i'm giving it proper subtle fly awful because when he was trying to drill i thought he was going to go through me cheek because he's looking on floor i'm sorry no chill huh had an x-ray have you ever an x-ray dentist you've got a bite on this bit of plastic and then put your head in a vice and then imminent assistant leg it out at room and leave you i'm like where you going come back no no mr k you stay there radiation black christ where are we china what's going on here we've got an abscess looking nervous coming out in clumps what's going on terry hopkins christ put these goggles on for flying debris or whatever he's putting up a kitchen extension then he injects me you feel a bit of a sting more of a stab than a sting line prick he went in and his assistant started sucking grow up it didn't go private she went in and he starts drilling a weight and then you know they takes it out and you have a quick check with your tongue see how he's doing but your problem is your tongue magnifies the hole and oh my god how big is this all he's drilling here well he got an upset he's putting up a shopping center in my mouth look at this it's two blocks on the edge of my tooth and now that's giving it back here without skip back here don't eat it and he starts using me chest as a workbench please stick on my heart that held scalpel ammo bro what are you doing big cup rings on me shirt get a corster get a coaster you drag don't get a costa then after half an hour of absolute bliss i had a rinse where you're all no matter you can't feel it oh thanks shank thanks very much proper embarrass like you want any more problems with that tooth mr k oh yeah thank you stagger out to reception are you free in six months on a tuesday at quarter past four oh i can't see colours i don't know where i am speak that's 343 pounds i heard that i heard that got this you see we're a strap jumper what's the matter here you take nice wall padding you take my swoll who my my sword is here my wall my what i can't eat it my sword sweet and they give you that machine put your card in they're doing it in restaurants then they turn away lack is a big secret put your card in big mirror on ceiling line i mean i'm just says hit me now and she's got pin number tourette's it's insane big shot six one four three oh smackheads are on it don't and i go and see dental hygienists as well whenever i don't like seeing them they just bullet you for not brushing your teeth make you feel that shame are going it's awful and you lie to it i promise i'll floss i promise i'll floss i go chemist now and get some fluff and a whip and a whistle lolly bro they always sell them at chemists whistle lollies i'll get a whistle lolly next time you themed me i have a lot donnie osmond thanks nice tv 85 pound for a scale and polish 85 pound gets sprayed in my own blood i come out looking like carrie come on people want that now people are much more image conscious and hygienic puts me to shame me i used to have a bath me when i was growing up once a week on a sunday night i'd have a bath with mr matey he wrote a widower live three doors down lovely fella oh brian martin always laughing how was that tap end salsa if you wanted a bathroom arrow she'll put merge in each one on wednesday four days before planet put merging on having a bathroom four days and then and if someone had a baffle you use all your water your mum would come up with the kettle halfway through boil kettle and top it up move the end of the bath put down it'll splash it'll burn you move down it's not even irish move down ah i said it'll burn you the third degree burn i've got a backlight freddy krueger here me tell you i'm singing it sexy in your eyes kill you pneumonia very liquid instead of bubble bath shitty shield soap you stab that and then christmas eve she's getting imperial leather that will posh that imperial ladder for christmas you get three front pound shop now imperial leather and by new year we're just a sticker that's all that we're left with no salt just more sticker than salt that's what we're left with too tight try and wash still make that last you know what there's no sauce a sticker people are much more image conscious now you've got block blocks swapping stag dudes for pamper days now having manicures pedicures botox balls waxed everybody talk about pop music look at that eh my uncle and i better be turning his grave if he were dead again he don't even worry aldrin my uncle knob head honestly got he stinks he's like gollum would be all that fella honest he's minging he won't worry he's that old generation of blocks in the 50s and 60s just walk worthy order and i'm like put some deodorants on why should i smell like a man i'm like men don't smell like trump's what's the matter with you coming to 1990s put some deodorants on for christ's sake he likes a tandoor he goes tantastic every wednesday swears by that people like tans don't they love being healthy people people won't even let kids look outside on a sunny day today without wearing sunscreen honestly when i was growing up we were just amber or solar sun oil and my dad on a sunny day me daddy come on from work you get an emergency chair and get it back yard and lie there he'd be like deidre get me crisp and dry come on burn burn they go out playing snooker smell like a big chip you love the sun me dad which always made me wonder why we always went butlins for two weeks every year and it always rained only time he ever saw me dad cry were at butlins fighting and when he trapped his balls in a sunlight oh oh yes we went loret de mar so over there loretta de mar and he he got one of them they were one of them white plastic sun lounges outside at pool but it had a crack right up middle of it right where you oh yeah yeah gets out of pool sits on it but he puts his weight to the back of the lounger thus opening the crack it was like a man trap opening didn't see a thing everything fell through it fell through plop that rip got the family jewels swinging in the wind you know you've been in water in the angler as well but that far from concrete now swinging down there how it passed the melaleuc piss besides didn't say a thing this is their life there's some miguel deirdre where's my son at my son's room where's my son up pass me out there will you guys be out there i can't reach just past me suffering jesus so five of us getting it back at ambulance tower rap running still sat on sun lounger they're gonna pick me dick up give me a date love pick it get it quick if it rolls it pool they can throw it back on put it in ice spent next two weeks kicking these balls don't beach at least they've got tan and the ac wasting sunshine my dad on a sunny day if you caught you're watching television at big six week holidays they're coming on what are you doing watching crazy kid never mind the crazy kid get that off get outside open these curtains i think someone's died over road what are you doing have you seen the bloody weather there's not a cloud in the sky don't waste this don't waste it and then when it when it rained you just make us all stand up front room window and watch deidre julie pizza quick quick quick come look at this rain bloody hell look at this rain my god it's bouncing it down look at it biblical look at that look at kathleen's guttering overall look at the gutter and it's pissing out look at the gutter whoa she can't see me she can't she's you got to train like pithy now you're fifty now you wanna get that hey then it's that thundering lightning we must rip are you'll add it back at telly sacred heart of god rip the earth in the back of the television i've never seen endocratic kid does he win i don't know you only get them big storms when it's been sunny for a few days and then it proper lashes it down and people go we need this we're ready for it we need it we need this clear things out it's summer it rains my nan said to me disgraceful they want to do something about this there bloody government what they're going to do get a big ladder i've never known rayne like it mike you're 89 you must have known rain like it were young about i mean that's fantastic at 90 in december she's still in her ward and control flat she loves it though she's got a red rope hanging from a ceiling at front room still for emergencies she only pulled it once but she had a wasp in the front room flying everything all right mrs kit it's not of a wasp here flying around duggar he's a big bugger he's like a zeppelin he got a and balls on him now he's that big i got her a norm help come around doing some bits around the flat she weren't happy with that like and she went to talk to her and she got chatting she was from germany and she said oh she said where are you from you've got a bit of an accent said i'm from germany well i used to make bullets for lancaster bombers practically family sit down wanna brew want to brew she broke her wristman on she fell in town outside farm foods and she got up it's funny about that can you get your kicks casualty she come on with two bags of shopping went to bus station got bus home walked back to a flat with two bags of shopping this is a different generation this is cast iron i'm lining up bedroom floor thinking i'm christopher reeve because i've fallen over a bloody shoe brings me up peter you better come up i think i broke my wrist think thumbs up wrong way is that the fly i said none i'm on my way up now have you got any ice put some ice on it oh ice hang on i can't hear a banging about it freeze all right i've no ice i've no ice have you any frozen peas frozen peas i got tinned i can't put 10 p's in a broken wrist they're always falling over in the flats said did i tell you about lena falling over and breaking a hip no lena she's falling over and broke a hip oh yeah i know he just said saturday afternoon radica middle of monk i heard a thud that ambulance men come they didn't have a key for a front door they'd kick her back doors in dawn oh pensioner somebody's sick they were bringing her downstairs on stretcher oh sure in agony and she saw me she said mrs k will you stop me purpose that just sums all people up for me that's this thing on your mind you just brought your hip you get your papers stopped get them paper stop talk about priority that's the last thing you want when you come out of hospital after three months in mrsa you can't get your front door or brought free papers at magazine bank you can do your overhead doctor's got her on penicillin he's what he's got her on penicillin penicillin she's great with the words i'm going to try some of that orgasmic veg i am took a mcdonald's what do you want i don't like mcdonald's i said i know but i'm bloody starving and maria now so just pick something i don't it's up there on that menu oh i don't know i love them i'll have a whiffy i'll try one of them whiffes wi-fi wi-fi they're free i'll have two of the three i'll have two free whiffers let's try them with a couple of whiffers peter will you slow down your driving's a bit erotic you must then come go and bloody sea lion she's quite technically minded though she's already can you get on that face tube and talk to your friends face tube they're all on that no face tube peter he's got a vd player a thigh pod which goes at the thigh pod where's thigh pod where's thai pump i give it it for christmas she thought it rick assets try to put in a tip player won't fit this this tape won't fit it's not a tape it's an ipod there's over a thousand songs on there nana honestly all your favorites nat king caller frank sinatra n dubs they're all on their face does it play a record this is technology moves on you see this is what happens it's like i've still got videotapes i can't get rid of them vhs tips my wife's like when are you going to get rid of all this in here and that's excuse me love of every single police academy in that back bedroom they're going nowhere okay it's all blue ray now blue ray blue ray would have blocked near me did pornos at the back of a nissan sunny that's who blue railway growing up blue ray a watching gadget show they said blue rays big in asia i thought christ he's done well for himself at blue ribbon but back at park with shell suits at pencil tash blue rain only charts on the arctic roll in blue hd that's a new thing now get it in hd what a ripoff i've got star wars three times though i've got it on vhs i've got it on dvd if it gets any clearer when i sit on coach where you're having a brew okay is it going to get here is it going to stop i'll be able to get it in 3d next to watch him dip his off knobs again dip it i can't get out of old habits i still say to my wife do you want to go up video shop for dvd when we get those box sets no walls box sets of series you can't just watch one you put them on oh god put another one on but i'm going to see what happens put another one on i want to go up bed now no put another one on see what happens it's ten to four no point one on sitting near me on piss and no pun one i'm not seeing what happens put this two in quick oh you can um series link it now sky plus is incredible skye plus is right up there with daylight and running water as the necessity in my life now you can't go back honestly god they come around saying mr k we're turning your gas off it's going to be off for a four hours we're digging it top at road you're joking yeah all right never mind dad skye's off sky's off skype losses off jesus christ bring him up quick it's not losing your left arm you can't believe it i got it for me nana you know we went um digital a couple of years ago i said nana you've got to go digital i just got used to pound shillings and pence we're going digital i've got your sky plus right it's fantastic you've got when you want to recall something you just press that red button the remote where'd you put your tapes no there's no tapes no it's on a hard drive just go with me right and you've got live pause now live pause so if you want to pause it and go and have a cup of tea or a wii you just pause it what about everybody else come again what about everybody else like you're not controlling britain it's just you this bloody hell it's only 40 pound the moon the what do you want some couple in crowley watching all this cities i sadie's going for a slash stopped again great quarter to 10 here stop start stop start what's happening the only thing about sky plus i don't like is me all life's on times 30 times 30. fast forward time so everything's times thirty i've not seen an advert for four years for dfs loving the sale time starting and it's over nothing fast forward you can't control it you're like bang bang bang goes back on it's back on go back go back go back whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what's the beginning program you've gone too far now we don't go back here fast forward again fast forward watch back on again what are you doing time six times twelve do it in stages take your time quickly just watch adverts that's best when it comes up two recordings have clashed please choose one today what do you do with that what do you do pick one pick one quick whatever i'm selecting the one i'm deleting my deleting the one i'm selecting and which one am i doing that one there people i don't know don't throw it to me crap i'm gonna clue doing the two one though jesus i don't know christ almighty he's gonna fail record it's gonna fail record people quick top at bottom top and bottom jews choose let's field record names till 8c still recall well you read the manual it's under the telly the other thing i don't like is the panic eight and i mean panic you get when you're down to about four percent on your planner four percent we're on here four percent and that's you that there's nothing on here of there's mine on here in mind look it up i've two world's strongest men in a ross kemp in bangkok and that's me done i love nothing i want to bang up abroad excuse me bad me for breathing 27 hours of 24 hours that happened you can't do that that's not physically possible what are you keeping all this from michael jackson's funeral what are you keeping that for i've not seen it yet doctor did it delete delete delete oh that's better 48 that's no look at that 48 i feel cleansed 40. you've got to have atari planner and then when we do finally sit down and watch something together king's sisterings are up paul's right in 20 minutes i'll see you bye what she wants nothing nothing nothing nothing press play that phone rings again it's me mum i didn't expect that twist at the end i didn't think she'd kill him whoa we're 20 minutes behind you don't tell us that everybody's out of sync with everybody else now you can't ring people up in case they're 10 minutes behind you or you're five minutes in front i'm watching news i don't know what's live and what's real anymore come on watch this little quick they're getting these miners out they're trapped in chile they've been out twelve months nobody told me come on after spooks i'm sad they're watching it flicked all the ones on the chat show sunglasses i thought he's got a quicker chance 999 channels i've got now and i still certainly going nothing on here absolute all on it problem is with more channels and programs now everything's repeated everything's looped going round how many episodes are scrappy challenge can they make all these i've got e4 plus one which is technically e5 let's have it right they've even got a channel called dave someone's taking the right royal piss dave javon saturday afternoons on more four or more four plus one you can watch um five episodes of grand designs back to back i like grand designs but there's only so many times you can watch a couple trying to restore a 17th century brothel at middle of a swamp he's a him not kevin mcleod he slags them off they're stuck behind him he's slagging him off they've wasted three years of their lives trying to restore this eco-friendly cardboard house and the water's pissing in they've gone 380 000 pounds over budget and all because she wanted to play project manager come dine with me saturday afternoon on channel don't cheer that shite no no no no no don't that's not a cooking show come down with me that's just a set of nausea bastards in your house let's have it right now honest to god that's all they want to do look through bedrooms you're downstairs marinating your meat they're not sure looking through wardrobe they wanted me go on there celebrity come down with me i said if you think i'm having brown blessed and h from steps looking through my cupboards you have another thing coming that's how they've got fred and rose west come down with me oh yeah pilot episode they've never shown it channel before that's how they caught them red-handed and apparently rose made a cracking pavlova beautiful to die for honesty people stop at nothing on television no hence embarrassing bodies oh my god what's going on with that program they're not embarrassed about their bodies at all if you're embarrassed you don't climb it back of a trucking leads and drop your draws what's going on there have some self-respect talk about scraping barrel we're through took wood see jacket of the week we're early back well we're all a little bit like a whirlwind i've had this condition about it for about six years that i just don't know what else to do i can't cope anymore everyone's laughing at me every time i lift my breasts up they fart well you want to get your jugs out to a national television flower that's your best bet that'll solve a million problems that will see that one my vagina's too big you must have seen that honestly like a mantle literally that's what i've got oh i'm like close your legs like an eclipse what are you doing i noticed doctor christian right from he was straight and he went in wet and don't watch that program and get a take out i've got a chicken and kung paw from chinese and that growth i'll make it through it bin flick over what's this dirty attention-seeking freaks that's what we've been reduced to now in britain that we have going embarrassing bodies because we can't get an appointment at doctors for them receptionists when you're phone up drink doctors now either i don't see doctor you doing your sick voice no no no i can't see doctor doctor what's the doctor what's the matter with you well i'd rather tell the doctor would you off my doctor no one sees my doctor my doctor and if you miss any of these programs no not that you can because the loops every hour you can get on to internet now get an eye player or four or d you can download you can download them to your thigh phone now you can watch it when you're going work your battery on the last six minutes but you my whole life's on charge are you seeing i can't sleep at night for green flashing lights in bedroom i'm not crazy he uses orange here's his charge dear love move your shoes texting i've got that bad with texting now i don't even give my mum three rings when i get anywhere anymore i just texted the words three rings that send that's an illness that's a disease that i got a silent call on my own phone you know when they don't speak and i were coming out of the bedroom at morning i answered it hello but i could hear someone breathing so i knew they were there i can hear you breathing hello can you hear me i can hear breathe in i thought it's something weird or two can play at this game it's all right you won a war you've got a wall so i sat downstairs and i waited hey i waited for a good 40 minutes i sat there and then it started freaking me out so i thought oh no i've had enough of this so i went in i owned up put it back in its holster ink kitchen anyway i went off i did some bits like i bleached my cloth and uh oh you've got to and then i came back after about 20 minutes and i picked it up again and they're a dial in tone so i did one four seven one under a number i thought ah i've got you bastard so i pressed three and my mobile rang in my pocket i must have been doing it bedroom picked me slippers up and accidentally dialed our rose so now i'm sat halfway downstairs listen to myself breathing via satellite 40 minutes cost me 62 pound that goal did you have a nice interval i had a meal deal i had a a a red pepper wrap and a mango smoothie there you go you see no snorting cork off prostitutes breast for pete i'd love you've noticed i've got a bit of a veranda over the thai shop i started doing shopping online get up to internet and you book your slot and then they come with that van and bring you shopping and they give you those swaps like i asked for an angel delight give me a silly bang how do they go together i was there a first spot and all my fruit and veg were rotten i swear to god it's but i said it's supposed to be fresh fruits and veggies it's dripping out at the bottom at carrier bag i'm not making hooch what's this you've give me so i'm back to big shop now every friday me and my mum parent and child every friday shop when you're hungry that's my advice shot when you're hungry i'm a bugger for chocolate aisle me chucking it all in triple chocolate cookies and mint vibe counts and penguins and breakaway what year is it chucking it all in limited edition kitkat you gotta get him the limited edition you gotta get him we don't know how long they're gonna be out tuck him in two for one and he gets a check out and you scan but see who's not got a big cute one doing here one down here just closing though happened to help my ass move down here i get an accume a big queue and i stand behind him with half a pint of milk giving it cat's eyes from shrek that's all you've got do you want to go in front mom comes like two trolleys buckle wheels oh you can scan them yourself now but what's all that about scanning myself up back make the noise yourself you can rub them blind no one's checking put them down your knickers one don't your knickers get checked get myself another bag for life i've got 13 bags for life now how long am i going to live 13 bags for life give me another bag for life love let's go left man outside it boots at carrick piss rain i can't be asked getting it lifted it boot give me a bag for that cause you feel guilty about environments honestly i feel bad i can't put a can of cork in it or me now without getting it out putting it on side without recycling i spend my life marching bloody been outside but i'm full of recycling every bloody day got pea juice running down my arms and cans of beans slash your wrists on chucking him back again another lord i've just been robinson's cardio lunoa chrystal amazing this is my life what what color bins out this week love what color bin's out is it green is it blue is it black brown maroon i just cop it all people over road me whatever i've been there i copy because all people live for putting their bins out honest all they do it's the main focus of the entire week they've got blue i'm putting bloody blue oats rather demented or colour-blind over at raw but our blue bins have not been emptied for six pissing weeks now i'll tell you it's a disgrace i'm gonna fly tip it stinks so you get on with all your shopping all your chocolate treats on a friday car cupboard door for jam wagon wheels start monday i'll start monday no point trying to start friday come to something with a kind of a bit of bloody chocolate on a friday night and treat myself i'll start monday problem is there's 52 mondays in a year i say that every week start monday with the detox hot water and squirted jeff lemon second ball of special k try to drop a jean size oh god i can't go on migraine it's killing me this living on it two hours and it's that end of jeremy kyle but end of this morning i'm upstairs in bedroom at full length mirror see if i've lost though i must have lost something though christopher must have lost something now by wednesday i'm like a junkie i'm on my ass not so cocky about me covered full of chocolate then when i have nothing left when i'm stood on turret kitchen seen if anything's falling down back at cupboard must be something anything bloody mini egg something down back rich teeth a lot of must be something in here oh jam mini roll got a jam mini roll jam mini rolls like a banquet in our house on a wednesday jam mini roll you know i hate me when you see a tin of celebrations outside and then you open it it's a sewing kit that's all oh don't that mess with your mind now what's all that about goodwill oh he stopped doing this he needle and thread at velcro buttons and mum's got one ten of roses she had it 26 years i fall for it every time when i go up open it looking bandages at paracetamol i got my mum's bungalow every sunday that's not euphemism that's a fact every week she loves it up there thanks very much for her bungalow you made a lovely lady very happy she loves a bungalow there'd be some women with buckets after sure she wants some patio furniture and a mattress so i think harmony on your way out there up every week from his sunday dinner that's a that's a skill that making a sunday dinner i don't know if she does it my mom honestly god that's a real a real skill i've been lost without aunt bessie i can't make her something anyway is the savior of the sunday roast that woman have you seen the aunt bessie range does a lot now roast potatoes yorkshire pudding bold potatoes sticky toffee pudding she must be rushed off her feet poo account how she found time now come on woman wonder she got red cheeks on that bag my mum don't need no ambassador she does it all herself and i can't help her because i've not got asbestos hands all mums have got asbestos hands what's on and about i go in try and pick a plate ah chris that's not pop give me that here what's the matter with you reddit juggling fire you've got to get out when she's dishing out because she gets stressed everybody get out get out get out get out conditioner shut the door leave me i've got my meat i've got my yorkshire pudding potatoes i got my cauliflower got my broccoli brother peas where the hell are the peas where the peas she finds peas at microwave two days later a little plastic bowl peas it's all about them the microwave menopause they're another piece have a birthday tea i love it when you have a birthday tea but it's someone's family's birthday middle of week so we'll have it on sunday i love the birthday tea come round it will be nephews last weekend fifteen he were which means i can't get away with typing pound coins into cards anymore so he wants xbox games now and we wees are amazing i never thought i'd see him an underwater skiing at 89. kayaking right front room i've come a long ways it's frogger i'll tell you that now guitar error has anyone ever been on that one guitar hero that hey that's amazing i love that when i was growing up i used to have my dad shovel there's a guitar me when i was growing up let's get his shovel out at shed and put it right in there he's jump off edge at bed giving it rockstar graystone matey are you coming through that ceiling or what trying to watch tenco down here the escape tonight and all if i could piss and hear it he's put his rock lp's on status quo and queen's greatest it's our bloody love queen who's from right bedroom thinking about freddie mercury giving it all that just put my mum's bright white leotard on for aerobics it's not real drew a big red flash up it in red felt tip thinking about flash gordon she lost her mind me mum look at my leotard look at that how the hell am i supposed to wear that for jazzercise now look at that you've mis-shipped it you've misshaped it don't stop me now i'm having a good time i'm in a bowl it's man oh with you killer queen love it remember about the birthday tea when we finished our dinners ball finished that round table and mum and our julie will give each other a look like the plates get the plates no you stay there julie the ball sneak off they've got to act like that's normal are you carrying it kitchen where are the candles with the candles where the matches they're in the card box mum's got a card box swear to god she give clinton's cards a run for the money with that car boxing everything in there you name it happy 18th pass your driving test sympathy it's always a couple of sympathies in there 30th apionica wrapping paper bottle bags everything in that card box tags she makes her own tags for presents me mum i give her a card she's like oh heather of the tag i'll cut that up i'm like crazy mom you're sick you're not even gonna have a mantelpiece yet you're talking about cutting it up one has a tiering system for cards right main family they go up top at mantle piece like brothers and sisters you're not main ones that's why i don't like these flat screen tellers because you can't put your cards in them anymore cousins and relatives friends they go right bottom at fire you know you're not doing well when you're out man tissues on necessary tables your uncle nobody's been behaved spider plants at windowsill for four years the candles now light them then uncomfortable but light darkness just have glow at candles off cupboards in kitchen then they both come in happy birthday you've got a whack surprise like it's never happened before shitty caterpillar cake from mazda smarties for eyes the cake not my mum okay blow your candles out make a wish you've got small children they want to blow them out as well you've got to light him again i'm going to blow him out light him again don't worry about it you'll get your turn we'll light him again you light him again he's got some cake i love it when you've wiped that top layer of spit off you know a little bit of care of hepatitis b sometimes we go out for a birthday tea which i'm not really keen on because it means we've got to invite other family merely uncle nobody insists on coming he's got a dream married now as well he splits up with me on cassandra it's all kicked off he knew fang dao that's his new wife from thailand they got her off ebay dhl had her for four weeks he lost his card he couldn't pick her up he'll get in there but sign for her he come over from work she was sat behind wheel really been reading new next catalogue modern will i like it when we go italian if we go out for a birthday tea because i get free garlic bread that's my picture in life oh you've got to have a perk there you go what's that girly bread for you my friends garlic bread together it's the future my friend for you for free that's why my new catchphrase is plasma plasma 70 inch on my wall for free you know i love when you go for a meal nobody complains you'll all complain to each other but god forbid you'd ever tell a member of staff they're on their bloody mary meal over here they're on their main meal we've only just got our starter they're coming after us and they're on their main meal everything all right absolutely fantastic really thank you really nice thanks very much lovely special not coming here again that way no it's gone downhill it's changed and then when food family does arrive we just swap with each other's well yours looks nice you'll have a taste of mine taste it test it oh it's nice i should have got that you know some of mine that give me too much have some take some gravy all over the table have some chips have some chips they give me too many fistfuls of chips everywhere pigs don't give me a fart about your dirty take your fork i don't want your fart you have to be careful they'll swap food but they won't swap cutlery it's like when you give someone a drink out of a bottle they go thanks very much i had a bad experience with that in the granken area made to mind paul bit of a joker are on this street about half eleven at night oh we're thirsty proper i'd had gammon for tea proper thirsty so i'm spitting feathers here he said here have a drink of this pepsi i say it's warm though he said i know i just got out of that bin still spitting into the toilet two o'clock at my lap so you have your meal and then you're stuffed oh god i'm full whoa oh i'm from left under my pants ibs oh i'm full oh do you like a dessert are you having one are you having one are you you having a dessert i will have you will you everyone yeah whatever we'll have a look yeah we'll have a look we'll have a look have a cheesecake cheesecake cake of cheese cheesecake plasma then you get the bill grab the bill please i love that the international sign of the bill little signature in mid works in any country it will that or the little pad they know what you want but be careful if you're going to get the bill watch out because basically you're accepting responsibility for adding up because i've been on a lovely night so it all goes tits up when bill comes no one knows who's paying if you're going to work to do it somewhere like that and there's like 12 of you are you gonna split it 12 ways what you're going to do there's always some gobby cow takes charge because you've got a calculator on a thigh fall i'll work it out leave me alone with it it's long divisions 28-23 each 23 each that's including tip janice just got 60 pound going in six spend going in seventy one eight two hundred two one five change those two coming back to you three fifty four chin can we play a part card part cash i've got a system here do you mind you're disrupting it all right five pound bags there was some really nice girl on her own give you 30 quid i'm not that can stay there because i'm not taking it 30 pound can stay there he didn't have any wine he didn't ever start he didn't have a main meal you only had a bread stick then he meant toilets to know what yeah and it's your birthday that can stay there i'm not taking it i didn't have door balls off your door balls well you're two pound there someone's not paid i'm still shorty there's always some couple sneaks off early tight arses but babysitter you've got to watch that that'll fester they'll still be talking about that in 12 months next christmas out again a few wines you're gonna pay this year you're gonna slow up our flight of last year i know are no works do me where there's not been a fight yet even beyond and i'm self-employed happened last year 60 seats a coach having a firework driver well he stopped for a toilet stop at a leg stretch i was from liverpool he would i said to you when we were driving because we had a fight i said who which people you get when you're driving i don't like blokes oh loads of like animals i will bring a load of blokes back from the races and i'm driving up the m6 i look through the rearview mirror and there's a bloke having a piss in the middle of the aisle on my coach i slam the brakes on he shut down the coach like that piss everywhere girl's away still oh my god bladder's like egg cubs driving back from take that i want to be your one to me pulling the out shoulder let them get off one by one wait till they're squatted knickers around their ankles reverse 40 feet full beam full beam they don't like that they do not like that hey you cheeky bath a workout a playhard you know what i'm saying i sympathize with him awful dropping people off when they've had a drink awful when they're drunk proper drunk i don't drink me so automatically i'm the family taxi driver whenever there's any works dues or new year parties or anything like that peter can you get another one in i've got seven in i can't get no more in now just go going that way get her ankles get her ankles lift her in hold up pull the door let's trim back she's in now her dress is caught her dress she's in now bang got roof now i've got my wife's cousin's sister spread eagle on back seat one foot back shelf other ones in my head every time i go over a speed bump does anyone know where she lives i know it's near a bus stop oh well as good as there then aren't we have you been busy what time you until yeah pissed for me where'd you live michelle love straight on straight on traffic lights no love is it left or right here straight on yeshua your eyes are shut there flower round about which way now love straight on i'm gonna stop now because we're in hull let's check that out i wanted to see i do drink cashews i drink bailey's i have the occasional baileys sometimes more of a dessert than a drink i grant you start monday have a baileys last time i had a proper baileys i went on me school reunion are you ever been on one of them i tell you no there's a reason you've not kept in touch with some of them people over here but someone got in touch through face tube and i thought i can't i've got to go curiosity got the better of me and i went with the mayor to man i said your worst nightmare you're walking in this people i've not seen for 20 years you know you're getting all but local lollipop ladies in your class at school and everyone's got older and fat and bolder than the women i went over and there are all teachers with her they don't get any older nuns i had nuns teaching me honest to god nuns are miserable no sense of humor none i'm saying that now we send them a valentine's card every year from jesus every february rose are red violets are blue sugar is sweet i died for you all them sister sledge she wet mistress at our school sister sledge she was lost in music carter the trout turned him back she once got fifth year boys in assembly all because someone's thrown a shatterproof ruler at carol farrell it's whether a time before shatterproof rulers existed what were they blowing up in kids faces why were they shatterproof what would animals shatter proof get them shut up bob shutter proof these quick as you can blowing up in kids faces here get them shattered proof son bang another one got it get quick shut approved it hit her there if it had been an inch lower it would have been instant death when i find out who it is i'll take them on that stage in assembly and i'll bang them in front of everybody i don't think you will we had real teachers though as well we had humans they weren't all nuns have we got have we got any um teachers in tonight any chance oh oh whoa don't shout out put your hands up one rule for one fingers on lips i use like teachers with amnesia who do you think yeah who do you think you're dealing with how old are you where should you be now do you know who i am silence when you're talking to me i don't want to see you floating around school who do you think yeah waltzing at this time don't come in here start mouthing off coming here start shouting the odds 7 9 11 43 27 you think yeah swanning in at this time put your pens down and watch the blackboard while i go through it who's like that one me keep talking keep talking because the longer you talk the longer you'll stay i don't care what time i go home quality nine we kept him till 129. i suppose we're going for a meal with my wife oh alex do you said stay i'm happy me i'm here for now i'm taping taggart you don't bother me jimmy's trying to blind a teacher will you watch if you're concentrating if you all did it blind teaching i know who it is no you know what you can't see oh you don't know i'm burning all the fronts of his pants there's he's bald small dreams balls are smoldering fire alarm i always wanted to be out me when um bell went the first one out you start packing everything away about two minutes before well put everything back in my pencil case really really discreetly put it by my bag there you go but still pretend i've got a pen an imaginary pen because you can't see because someone sat in front so you pretend you're writing you put your court on really discreetly hey back back everybody back back that bell's for me that bell's not for you that bill's for me that builds a signal for me to tell me to tell you when you can go do you hear me do you hear me how mad they were mr bryce ask him what an he were saw him on that school reunion i wanted wind him right weirdo took us on a geography field trips at graveyard see his wife but it's oh i'm mentalist he just sat there sobbing we were playing armor and headstones he didn't like me is that gonna be when you grow up okay comedian i'll tell you where you're going to end up kate the thick table get your stuff get on the thick table you just have a thick table in there class it's cool a thick table when i say a thick table i don't mean thick table i mean third turbo you'd never get away with that today pc and all that this is 20 years ago and all this adhd and dyslexia thick table i've got a thick table jason patel huh till you learn trees a crank fist oh jesus christ with space dust that's not bubble thick table trees paddy mcguinness thick table let the thick see the table that's true i was that with him and you pick those names you know when you're picking baby names years later and you ask that what about treason you're like christ should be cursed he's watched television months i just love wednesday's watch television in class and he's wheeling this massive television on legs that we're up there two prefectures wheel it in like prize in the game show they were massive if you like meerkats watching it live with video in lot box that have been nicked remote control on a wire systematics that don't show where ariel will try and get a picture can you see can you can see now can you see i would never have found the pe at school me i could see astonishment in your eyes but whenever i found i don't i can get up here i'm never a fan i don't believe you can be physically educated these makers walk on an upside down gym bench do you ever do that you just balance walk along him weights dropping off me no sister i used to pretend i forgot me kit i forgot my pe kit get something out of that bin in the corner kin fencing mask and netball skirt forward roll all change the ropes get on the ropes get on the ropes oh they've been on the ropes twice no sister sitting on this pissing bench around pat lunches me pat lunches were two spam sandwiches at a munch punch yogurt in a rubbing a sherwood lunch box packet of salt and shake highland toffee and a beaker who must give me a beaker with orange cordial with some cling film or that lids it won't spill in my bag you don't want that all over your books give it back your books what are they about backing books boom give me that one wallpaper from the side of wardrobe well back in the box here and they glitter razzle back my box here keep these same get alive i just love it when i went dining hall at school and someone would fall with a dinner just gets walking back to the seat you'd get some girl walking you didn't want to go away when they were sick they just put sawdust down what about sawdust there's nothing to see on your way of course there's something to see she's throwing up sodasta she's throwing up sawdust some carpenter's daughter look at that shavings shavings should be embarrassing buddy she's a freak they were doing that at school reunion about half past ten everyone were drunk sister are doing it we're going around with bucket assad us throwing it down i had a few baileys that were up on karaoke with trees are crank fish giving it bump and grind trees are off of tits paul dancing at crucifix sister sledge i'll kill her i'll thicken killer where's my shadowproof ruler i got home about half past three morning oh my god never been drunk staggered in went upstairs got undressed by the light of the charging mobiles trying to tiptoe into bog trips over my wife's shoes landed first there in a pile of wire cortango as they're not my new frigging tooth out ladies and gentlemen thank you very much good night oh oh look what i found backstage do you want to rock i said you want to rock so when the day is dawning on a texas sunday morning is this the way la yes the whole shovel let's see we get out of this okay when i wake up well i know i'm gonna be i'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you and when i go out 100 fall down i'm playing a shovel thank you thank you so much everybody i really appreciate it this last songs for you take i'll see you again maybe one day thank you tim could you take those lights down a bit please sir on orbit touch more i've now touched more take the piss i've taken my bow my curtain cold you brought me fame and fortune everything that goes with it i thank you all but it's been no better for roses no pleasure cruise i consider this a challenge we are the champions of my friends and we we are the champions we are the champions friends cause we are uh thank you so much everybody thank you thanks a lot good night give me three rings when you get in you

Channel: MrFrankster25

Views: 2,260,594

Rating: 4.7175932 out of 5

Keywords: Peter, Kay, comedy, tour, that, doesn't, Phoenix, nights, Max, Paddy, McGuiness, stand, up, Peter Kay (TV Writer), The Tour That Doesn't Tour Tour...Now On Tour, Funny, Concert, Live

Id: b0ImOXicd2s

Length: 82min 3sec (4923 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 25 2014