Comedy from Dara O Briain, Felicity Ward, Mo Gilligan. 22 Nov 2018

[Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome your host for tonight [Applause] welcome to the Apollo here in hammers for another showcase of the finest in stand-up talent we hope you can have a fantastic time my name is Doreen folks I'm obviously a motoring comedian and that has because because of shows like this become a very international affair this show will be seen all over the world like whatever because that week and often do her little jokes all over the world like with her there was Lizzie appearance when I was doing the tour before they were a month old right where the gigs I had in order where Plymouth Dubai Oslo it's a kind of a head wrecking week to have in your working life right and it's not that the show ever changes because you don't people are people your show becomes quite universal like what changes is the stuff around the show right for example Dubai obviously culturally enormous ly different to this part of the word like with her and Dubai is the only place where the producers of the show where contacted the Tommies were contacted by the police for the state a time for the licensing board and in their words to find that the show was suitable for public performance in that particular state now I obviously got really good hotel they which how dare they impose on my truth how dare they censor me in any way right and the guy said yeah calm down they asked one question which was does the show contain sexy movement the only question asked by the state's police of divine right and obviously you've known my work for many years you know it's pretty much wall-to-wall sexy Rufus which is ironic really because when you have sex with me I don't move at all it's very much your time to shine but there isn't choices mazzimo joy then coming back here often specifically this room they come back and do the show back in London I've been living in London for about 15 16 years now I love the city right and I'd love to see for many reasons hold all of the Londoners here right I love the city particularly because how it reacts to adversity this might sound serious for a couple of bills but every so often London faces something very very serious and London has a reaction ready to and I find it very very no bring a very inspiring write for example last summer there were series of terror attacks people driving cars into crowds and people have been killed like a zoo is an awful time it's very tense time I remember but London as you will all know here right yeah has a response ready and we've heard that response many many times and it's an extra response because some will come and go London will not be cowed by this London would not be driven down with this run will rise above this London will endure right with the bit that made it weird that made it not feel like London's because people ran when those attacks occurred to Fox News in America to tell about terrible things we're in London and this city got really and so to run a kind of a whole London is reeling they said London is a terrible situation it's awful like winter weather this is a spit an interview you could do it every time in London power things in London today people are tense and people are angry the transport is in chaos is this is because of the terror attack this is a charity Jesus a Tuesday I get to work you're in my way but they were go and they would say things like all parts of London I mean the war to be the pig gonna be will run to Fox News to capitalize in this kind of thing to for their own political but would run didn't go oh their area of London under Sharia law remember that's the live area what parts of London are under Sharia law I show me on a map that bits of London right but obviously just a matter how tough that the lads on Fox News weren't you to hear this they good Oh tell you what the Sharia law whatever the Sharia law I didn't do that best in Dubai the to the strands the strands to go to our base as you can see through this artery gigs and all that and a general nerdiness about stuff like whatever and that is the thing that I don't think I'm in any danger of shaking - I get very excited about new technology appearing into his lives and the options or we can do about it for example Alexa or these kind of always on speakers I find that very exciting now I know that people have issues with them in terms of privacy and in terms of having this thing on in your house I got very excited about Alexa and these kind things because I had this weird kind of male fantasy that it would make ah romance in a very smooth way that you'd walk in with a lady on your arm and you go Alexa play some Prince music we just start and the mood to be set in a really smooth way now obviously the reality of voice recognition software and AI is you're far more like to go Alexa play some prince and elect will go printing documents now you have to [ __ ] to the incessant rhythm of the printer incredibly difficult to maintain a young man anymore lads I can do four or five minutes tops of that for him praying for a paper jam or any kind of thing I love the idea these things that you have in your phone that you could have out you can control all the things in your house I thought that is weird little idea that over the course of the tour though be doing that I would take out the phone I'm show audiences as a demonstration of the technology go look look you can turn the lights on and off in your house just by doing this not a felony of any entertainment value to any audience in the world but just for me over the course of like a two-year tour when I'm away from a home a loss just to know this is a point everything well my wife is winding your own business obviously to compare this came the same app you could put anything electric anything motorized you could put the curtains in your bedroom or two the same as I found out last summer when I'm lying in bed asleep deep sleep REM sleep dream sleep hours and a huge dream but you had to a unicorn cuz you know when you have to get a unicorn every so often you got to go down the unicorn shop to get a new unicorn because they're all unicorn Oh anyway so I went on to the local unicorn shop which is run by my old English teacher from school I got you to hear seven unicorns that it was like you in Hammersmith but like not Hammersmith and so I'm they're going the unicorn and then we're talking about the whole thing and then I got very bright of the unicorn chopper Lagoon cheese's the Unicom seemed very uncomfortable with her bridges and they're blinking a lot so yeah it's nothing more horrible singing unicorn blink and they're banging the horns off each other and the jealousy is very own capacity much geez you keep this unicorn chop very bright and he looked amigo I don't you be easiest this is happening outside the dream wake up wake up and I woke up and the room was flooded with lights because my wife on the train to work at 7:15 a.m. had taken out her phone and gone time II got up this [ __ ] is escalating heating and air conditioning onto the same app so I can randomly punch individual rooms into cold and dark and then you Spotify to play children singing Nursery Rhyme mr. on the basement I did this once and I came off stage I forgot while going yeah you seem to forgotten that I was actually on call tonight so I had she been called into work but I just had a text in the babysitter and she [ __ ] herself I recently got one of those virtual reality sets into the house you know with a mask in the hole how many of you've done this yet that one too it's amazing it's so it's Johnny's sterling to me how few people have had a go on this like whatever it's genuinely started you put the mask on your head it's got two screens independent screens that's so therefore everywhere you move it's like perfectly rias you wear the headphones in it's like completely immersive you're in a 360-degree in all direction totally artificial the word is genuinely stunning I think it's gonna change gaming I think it's gonna change movies it is going to revolutionize burglary you break into a house and somebody has that on their face Jesus relax chill out you've got an error there's no rush you can choose what you want I like that but that'll work well in the hall it's a different game and the weird thing is as you saw there not Avery's having a go of this this is a genuinely transformative entertainment technology and not everyone is using V all right and one of the quiet reasons that no one's talking about is the reason people are using VR is because nobody's using it to watch porn these little where did you do but in the kind of history of nerdy kind of things porn is surprisingly important for getting new technology accepted porn is the reason why blu-ray beat the other kind of special DVD in their race a few years ago porins rhiness some types of video streaming saw forbid other kinds of video streaming software the stuff that gets used for porn has a place immediately in the market right and nobody is using V or for porn right and I'm not naive right I know the men of visual creatures but I can kinda see you know no man while actually making love has ever there be going oh my god that's incredible oh my god honey is amazing oh I'm almost there I'm almost there let me just have a quick look around the flash oh that's fantastic jeez huge is that chorusing original now or did you but the main reason that people aren't using V or for porn is because you cannot be entirely sure that she's out for the afternoon I mean 100% sure because the stakes are really high you do not look good in this situation leave your loved one going on credit card I better go back in yes you're doing to yourself I was bringing the kids to my mother's house but the little one felid we've had to come home but Jesus Davis what greets us the life mayor the nightmare is you finish the wank of the century you take off the mask and there are three police officers just say do you have no idea what's been happening for the last while somebody broke into your house they were spotted we were called there's been a standoff between a hostage for 45 we've had to close off your rose I use a helicopter so reception over your wife is that site on a megaphone going stay strong John stay strong and all the time we've been watching you on the thermal imaging ladies Devon time to bring out our first I can recite their first ox oh please give up for felicity [Applause] [Music] my name is Felicity wood and yes this is an adventurous choice of trouser guys I've got to get off Instagram I'm spending too much time on there but I can't get off because I love watching my friends post inspirational quotes that they definitely don't live by Oh yummy in my tummy I love it there's one in particular you've definitely seen it it's a Marilyn Monroe quote it's very sassy and the quote goes if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best so see it comes with its own set of shoulders if you can't handle me at my work then you don't disturb me at my best now I don't know about you but my best and my worst are both pretty bad it's not a lot in it a shower maybe and what I do know knowing that their best is posting that online they just live in their best life free from the bondage of self and they're like Oh better go and put my magazine spoke code up happy people don't need inspiring they have evidence I've already got it the people who are putting that on line either women in their late 30s still sleeping with a soft toy and they have a variety of pizza crumbs in their bed me that's what I'm talking about me well that's ham and pineapple that's what that is like inspiring stories anyway like I take to other people's success as a personal attack so what I've done is I've taken these inspirational quotes I've given them a remix so they're not inspiring anymore they're just within reach so my version of the Marilyn Monroe quote is if you can't handle me at my worst then we have something in common this one the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and then like a million more steps why not get an uber I don't I don't get inspiration culture people are obsessed with it I saw this guy the other day he had a tattoo on his arm and it said the pain I feel today is the strength I feel tomorrow can't own it the [ __ ] down mate just trying to get through the week yeah for a Wednesday a big muscly dude with a tattoo on his arm that just said pretty scared actually weed hungry written on a neck I can relate to that we're just a 50 year old dad who's let his body go and on his chubby little Tommy's got a tattoo that says this will have to do shout-out to my fat dads I've been with my fellow for five years I know his family very well I love them we actually lived with them last year because we were trying to you know save money and ruin our relationship and [Music] reason that we moved out of our in-laws house and that is because we got married I got married and they're not kidding it is the best day of your life if anyone is thinking about getting married do it even if you're not that into the person honestly a lifetime of misery get on it and when you get married everyone ask you the same question they're like do you guys feel different now I'm like yes we feel very poor music is very important to my husband and I and we're trying to figure out what song to play once the ceremony was over and originally is a hundred percent true we were going to go with the Jurassic Park theme song great movie great bit of music right and imagine just signing your wedding certificate mean just walking out to that right so we're tossing up between that and signed sealed delivered by Stevie Wonder cue and we're going back and forth and back and forth we couldn't make up our mind and then my husband offered up this suggestion he said why don't you walk in to the Jurassic Park theme song and I said no and he said why and I went well for a start I'm six years older than you and you've called me a dinosaur before the implication I certainly don't want my own [ __ ] theme song when we're on the honeymoon I did something that I've never done before I tried hot yoga for the first time it's okay only criticism it's a bit hot you haven't been it's exactly what it sounds like it is stretching with a group of strangers in the flames of hell yoga I nearly did hot yoga cuz I walked in and there was a man sitting there wearing just beige Underpants and nothing else and I was like oh yeah nice hot room equals 100% we will be smelling his nuts later [Music] see a wet paper bag full of those I've actually got two beats with yoga the first one is their most popular pose the downward-facing dog or as I like to call it the dog it's just a doll if you if you have an upward facing dog you gotta call a vet yet no time for yoga my second be Yoga is a very bigoted practice against people with big noses this will happen in every class I'll be on my knees on the mat and they'll be like a skinny little teacher up the front just like wind and chiming away through the class they've always renamed themselves - they're always called like urban outfitters or something Preda Monge it's French so I'll be on my knees and then the teacher will say something like alright class I want you all just to lean forward and just casually pop your foreheads on the mat when you're born with a dorsal fin coming out of the side of your face pop you for it on the map cuz there's nowhere for this to go they need to make yoga mats with a little glory hole when you go to a wedding and they just hand you a glass of Prosecco a champagne flute strikes fear into our hearts drink it like the rest of you people use small nose people we have one of two options we can either stuff it on the inside of the glass tiny little sips like a maniac just like we've never used a cup before going deep cover on the human experience we can put it on the outside of the glass [Applause] every one I've been facility Ward you have been lovely we're gonna go straight our legs and with our necks I give it up for bid mr. moguy [Applause] [Music] nice to see yet to see you [Applause] who let the dogs out look at the middle-class people in the moon don't know what's going on right now it's lovely to be here oh man I told my mom I said mom tonight I'm performing at live video Paolo you know my mom she's all excited you know she's at ah good luck son good luck at the Apollo live that's not ways cool mom so it's called mama it's called live video pull oh no that's what I said do you pull all I said mom you know even African why are you speaking at this for profit [ __ ] stuff dude I mean cuz some bones are [ __ ] yeah sorry to be the messenger shop moms are [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] right now how about that now there's always your rack I get my comedy from my mom's side of my family my mom is a very bubbly humorous woman and the thing is right everybody's mum universally internationally is the same everybody's mum family gatherings birthdays christenings everybody's mum in this room dances like this [Music] yo mom boudin's lettuce for four hours straight [Music] you for no reason Justin Sookie but I reason as well if you got one of these cool mums you like no my mom doesn't dance at that trying to be down with the kids and stuff you know doing things like twerking and stuff like that she's a crackhead but the thing is right I love my mom cuz I always thought like I've got my comedy from my mom's side of my family you know and the things you have to love your family you know when you come into this earth all you have is your family yeah I know there's someone in the room right now don't talk me about family I grew up in a foster home sorry sorry Tracy Beaker sorry well you have to love your family man you know the thing is that about our families right they always come alive at moments of celebration you know things that weddings birth dates christenings yeah let's say this is the weddings at the dance floor yeah you've always got that one auntie in the family she's always Moody there's always brought like problems going on in her life like she's even moody due to something she wears actually wear like a dress like purple stupid color looking like a big quality Street the whole night yeah she's a moody they do that fake auntie smile yeah now over here on the dance floor wedding wrap you've got kids at weddings now personally [ __ ] these kids in it yeah always one kid running round slide in some mum can't enjoy herself she's always telling off this little kid I'm trying to be a rock and you know this kid yeah this kid continues running have you ever seen where mums lose it so much they talk to himself every seen it he's 20 man he's still running what's the really poor then over here in your family right over here in your family you have your uncle but what it is what it is he's actually your cousin but he's over like 50 so you've got to call him uncle you guys have that does the rest of your company you can grieve that cool cards or suckers hey cuz cuz hello uncle how's it going everybody in their family has a weird member of the family yeah there's always that weird member of the family if you're sitting here questioning that statement watch me rude person that is you right there with your website the thing is the witness couldn't contain from zero to a hundred it was that kind of normal weird person but it's always that pervy weird uncle we've all seen a pervy uncle you've even seen him on the night out you've seen the purview uncle right let's imagine this is a club there is a lady here there is someone here now this guy's going to the bar over there instead of him getting the drinks I'm going around you've all seen this guy sorry love excuse me excuse me you're gonna buy the other way as well you know sorry coming through again have a great night little over here you've got one of my favorite members of the family is dad's I love that you know why because dads do everything here that's dance with the little kids right the little toddlers little four-year-old Alice yeah but we all know dad's drink way too much of weddings and you know when your dad drinks too much you know the sign is when your dad wants to dance with you yeah know that dads are always gonna spoil the party and reveal a family secret yeah that nobody ever knew about this is everybody's family right but your auntie here doing the same dancers your mum you've got kids at weddings now all kids all kids starts the same all kids of wedding to do this weird dance he always dance like this then over here you've got your weird uncle cousin now he's pervy right if you blink you'll miss it right [Music] [Applause] no I know dad that's remember they've answered the little toddlers fantastic you're an amazing dancer no you're the best I've ever seen okay okay do a dance with your mom now no come never dance we don't ever dance I'm your bloody bad cover never gone off this bloody music I said bloody dance if your dad just make what you want you mean I'm spoiling a pie Sharon you given all debbie do you know what Debbie you can [ __ ] off stupid what you mean I'm drunk don't you talk about Troy Ellen because you've been out calling for 14 years may have a trunk tell me I'm spoiling the party I'm spoiling the party I was point applying my share while your cousin's over there dancer Ruby's not bad but I'm spoiling platypi I've had it for spoiling the pie yeah she's not even my doula anyway you know your second set of these lenders that oh my gosh this is real they're swearing and everything getting take care [Applause] [Music] thank you very much good night [Music] [Music]

Channel: ViVaHD

Views: 76,344

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Id: LNQae9P7ZRw

Length: 29min 11sec (1751 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 22 2018