Live at the Apollo - Lee Mack & Sean Lock

2007 Sunday at 7:00 on BBC one and Radio 5 Live he's been called a premiership bad boy Joey Barton talks frankly he's a Gabby Logan inside sport on BBC one right out of comic talents and strong language live at the Apollo [Music] [Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome your host for tonight Lee Mack [Applause] [Applause] don't spit here with Apollo and what great music to walk onto of course Franz Ferdinand delight Franz Ferdinand's exit band of course named after the Arts and the death of a 50-quid any chance you could sing it for us I couldn't get away I put up comin on a lot hey if anything happens to me on the way here tonight come on you know this I could also come on like the rugby team of New Zealand they're great aren't novi New Zealand rugby - I love the fact that you think this is scary how that's terrifying please don't colonies me loads of rugby people I'm telling in my college they wouldn't found that scary the only thing they found scurry at my college the rugby lot was gay people community aren't they I think it'd be far better suited if they just came out the New Zealand Seema went one two three four [Music] [Applause] I think this place go ahead go for weights come on Johnny knuckles it's great to hear we've got a plethora of stars in the audience famous sports stars let's say it for mr. Richard Dunwoody ladies and I don't know if you know this actually used to live very near you in Newmarket and I used to go to the same news agencies you it's true all the famous jockeys used to go there and use the jockeys news agents cuz the porn was on the middle shelf Chiqui never blue full of famous Irish people tonight from Northern Ireland Richard and woody from Northern Ireland James Nesbitt from middle-earth it's Anthony Worrell Thompsons I'd have to ring you search for hey who's not in that microwave I love doing gigs in Island Islands a Friendly's place in the world to do gigs everybody from Northern Ireland apart from the celebs is all for you how many Protestants does it take to change a light bulb one the brilliant but how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb warm they're brilliant - hello please don't hurt me the friendliest place in the world to do gigs because I'm used to living in London now and you know that's like you know excuse me not the right time for anything especially Tommy Steele films cuz they just think about anything for no apparent reason nothing oh look Tommy's drops his pencil on the floor heat down while he's dropped his pencil on the floor he's don't want me in pencil when I first came to London I thought that's all they did I thought you have to do that I got to train people become look to me going if you got the right time as going I've I've got the time evolved at the top four three that gives you northern sweat cool me [Applause] leading to death for ambulance Jim meet someone that's so cockney it looks like it's actually painful [Music] Oh [Music] Oh stiffing island of course islands differ isn't it have you got the right time all you have to do with lo haría you come back and have still meet the wife you can stay for a month if you sleep with the area that's my favourite River don't suffer if you ever go and see River dance never buy the cheap tickets i watch River downs from the back row cheap tickets had all these big eggs in front of me how could we see the dancers from the waist up no get me wrong but it's not exactly known for that upper body enthusiasm isn't she Michael Flatley going [Applause] ah so impressed Irish people on the dance floor in Dublin a few weeks later nice girl very nice is chatting up a musical class in northern way I said alright love even electrician she said why I said because when you came in the room tonight you gave up a certain spot that sent a current racing through my body I said why stink peachie joking I I am actually in a relationship at the moment sorry girls cheese since two stories actually carrying our first child he's eight the lazy little [ __ ] we've had a lot of rouse about the whole baby thing I wanted to have a baby for about five years but she wants to keep it forever I do a lot of travel in this job that's why I like being in London I lots of travel as much do you do that thing when I go driving what I do right I have this great game you can try this if you drive it and your pets is your falls asleep this is my little game drive not on that you know to drive I don't need to tell you all right you drive you passenger falls asleep that's annoying isn't it there's a little game you can play just as the waking up keep it safe keep your right eye on the road just close your left eye [Music] hmm as well Tiffany when you got the phone between your legs when you're driving oh good ribbit excellent me while she driving is it legal and my wife says I shouldn't do that because of the radiation I think the phone's insured got a phone call that swear to god this is true strike iPhone call the other day and said oh hello Dave its Marjorie I said my name's not David Lee I think you got the wrong number she said what numbers up I said it's over seven nine five eight two one six eight three well that's the number I wanted I said oh well my mistake mr. Dave have you been Marjorie here I swear to God she failed to see the sarcasm and she actually said I thought it was you [Laughter] [Applause] all right but I try to get rid of predictive texting I don't like predictive texting right how do you get rid of it why do we need it you know predictive talking watching he predicted writing I wanna say degree if we did a predictive talking not be fantastic or dn't it what you do today leave me a weight I went away inter exes Tourette's it's just predictive talk [Applause] I say we bought myself I'm I'm from the north of England I had very strange upbringing my dad he was very old-fashioned when my sister had her menstrual cycle he met he gone live in the shed claiming that he was the evil seed of Satan is very sad my sister died very young she drowned but you know let me dad said look on the bright side if she'd have floated what about set fire to anyway my nan man was great though she was great my man I remember the last thing she said to me just before she died she said Chimpy that thing when you're a kid me try and slip in swear words it from your noun to try any pressure made how many swear words can we fit in without now I'm not noticing I'll go first coffee coffee what time is it 10 points ooh tampered to do you expect me to believe that it's jolly well possible Chinese restaurant where oh damn there's no fork and knife are we gonna do this no fork and knife now tonight what we're gonna do now I dunno I'll probably try and have to use the fork and chopsticks you're patronizing / a little you can't be some what's the point in having kids about sets of smokers this is great because this shows going out after half past nine well it is now but this shows going to no I did not know what you see babies no it's going on after half line they love the fact that other why but you can't swear on telly before half nine but you can after half an hour I think the BBC as a nation just think we're all just el Marjorie would you'll possibly pass me the bread sauce this fish is simply divine why certainly Kenneth it rarely is a tasty salmon why allow me to check on my small pocket antique silver wristwatch for me by a grandpa bar all of this years ago in his full play I believe it has just come the out of 9:30 shouldn't share on the Christmas tree like I say I'm from Lancashire and I've got a proper Lancashire accent anymore that went a few years ago I'm afraid because proper Lancashire of course is surprised to hell about everything all the time and it really seems an issue shopkin boy they were great they were piggies some of the mummies the South African accent I love the fact that South African accent it's just you know when you used to record records in the 70s backwards and then when you play them backwards they sound it forwards South Africa it's just a record player because hello my name's Lee and I'm from England my name's Dave and a Ginsburg the deep regard [Music] [Applause] [Applause] ian's they just sound like you're breckel that won't start properly where are you from mate I'm from Melbourne night [Music] the kids to introduce might get start tonight are you ready for our star guests this gentleman is one of my personal favorite comedians in the whole world will you please welcome the absolutely brilliant mr. Sherlock [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Wow thank you wow you're excited on you whoa yeah I feel like a [ __ ] with a fiver hey can you do that give a [ __ ] before they actually go show couple the morning nothing's open the fantastic atmosphere in here tonight fantastic she's like a cup final in here isn't it well it's not really not exactly a cup final it's like a cup final about five hours before kickoff anticipation but you wouldn't want to be like a cup final would you or say Cup finals they're very tense you can cut the tension with a knife also it's a really bad idea not a tense people don't get a knife out you spoil the atmosphere whatever that is I don't be quite sure what those people talk about atmospheres all the time don't they talk about amazing atmospheres I think what they all about you know that system air isn't it pubs advertising they're fine selection of ale it's good food and a great atmosphere you just walk in I feel slightly magical this place is amazing it's like a cross between Narnia Rio de Janeiro it's only half past six when they put the lights on in fact to be honest I went to a pub the other day which did have a fantastic atmosphere so I got my knife out spoilt it after that the atmosphere was like Christmas dinner at a Women's Refuge never a happy time I've Sport the atmosphere doing that joke I'm a city boy it's concentrate of course the best atmosphere in the world use to be on top of the pops amazing atmosphere on that show wasn't it cuz yeah nobody they just loved everything no bands ever got booed off did they any band that came on the way way not even one lone voice at the back going Britney your [ __ ] look at Marilyn Manson would have come on they go and now we've got Bob the Builder well you like Marilyn Manson and Bob the Builder I see your bedroom my fear was the producers used to go to restaurants wait for a plate to get smashed if anyone win the box you're perfect you are character you know that people say you gonna meet my mate he's a right character oh it will pass the Hat without trying it on if anyone ever says that you meet my mate is a right character all I'll say is don't get your hopes up you're not gonna meet the next Oscar Wilde what it means is when they said their mates a character what it means is when you're not looking you'll put its [ __ ] in your point that's and there's something really grimly British isn't there about cheering a broken plate someone's [ __ ] up wasn't me cuz they don't know that in other countries much more influence they're very mature about it play a smash they just carry on chatting in French Automall zu / don't forgive lose your good acting that wasn't it that was the play initially they have a laugh about it go hey Luigi hey towels all the waiters hair hey he's not a dwarf by the ways he's picking up the plate and more the broken plate on your hand that's all of its a lot stronger than they look and I was in a restaurant in Germany plate was smashed waiter was taken outside and shot it's incredible should point out didn't make the front page of all the newspapers so I don't think it was a usual response and of course in Greek restaurants they smash all the plates the end of the meal anyway done there because I never tried to use Greek washing up liquid but it's terrible basically it's hummus that's what they use they don't eat it they can't believe we eat it I think it's hilarious I use it for grouting stuff like that speedbumps little jobs I went to the I was lucky enough to get a ticket for the the first Cup final a new Wembley and the first thing I'll say is anyone's been mm been to the stadium is is seven hundred and fifty seven million pounds well spent wasted up in these guys wandering around they've created this new level of security and these guys running around they've got this silver nylon fluorescent jacket sleeveless jackets and on the back it says response squad and at first I thought it's a stag party new security somewhere between policemen and road sweeper so when that's one of these deluded lollipop men I wanted to know what he didn't eat the guy was South African which is a real surprise because I didn't realize they're like telling people what to do you know maybe they miss it so uh look at this gun I said some response code what's that what's that about what's your job and he said we're here to deal with misbehavior so how'd you how'd you identify misbehavior what counts as misbehavior this is exactly what he said he said people acting like sweats he's been on a course but I thought it's good job on knowing the response squad they've been nobody in the stadium there's 25,000 United fans they'd be out for a start just a joke River eat nines Minh all the players they're all [ __ ] now I'm a four-eyed Bentley's one right foots get out it's a big corporate ring around the edge of Wembley anyone as a starter before a football match anybody paints their face what's that about it's a football match not Brave Hearts or was a medieval felt jesters hat in their team's colours [ __ ] all my mates they're all [ __ ] me but I'm working some Johns Ambulance who doesn't look at them and think what give it up hereafter dudes even when they're saving your life beeline they're twitching huh what I can't think of anyone seriously I'd let in the stadium actually I've been Sheva Brooking I quite like him it seems everywhere we go he getting told off by different people different levels of security getting told off all the time fair enough if you having a barbecue instant pause but I was at the Tower of London the other day and I was also having look at this suit of armor I was touching it wait don't touch that so he's talking about its armor you expect from it do you not like about starfish well they're always pleased to see you trusting I'm sure nobody does fiddle with them but you know could cross your mind that's real niche porn that is fiddling sell you for that in Google you won't get much it's right up there with busty foster mums nothing there's a few gaps in the market we can exploit another one's flu sex there's no website for that those people with the flu feeling really old having sex it'll kill me and a busy day today had my first ever game a crazy Gulf yeah there's a bit of a disappointment actually didn't quite provide the mayhem I was expecting hit the ball and the world would just go mental marzipan albatross is flying in the air no just knocking out this windmill of us [ __ ] irritating this might be quite stressed stressed very easily the other day I was killing this pig with a hammer I thought to myself I need a holiday I just don't know how to relax family wants to relax he listens to whales song you know those types of whales singing they go [Music] I think firstly they're not singing other faxing really long facts when I lost my brother to send me that's how I ran out of toilet paper so they can't be relaxed they could be the least relaxed animals on the planet whales only for starters they're endangered is that relaxing there's a real tenable EFT feel a bit horny I'll sell it take a couple of dolphins together but not only are they endangered they're the biggest animals on the planet whales aren't they they're enormous me doing that doesn't really get across how big they are they're massive but even the smallest don't they plankton and krill tiny little creatures like that imagine you're a great big animal you're starving hungry you never get a good bite of anything all day long shoving tiny bits of food in the side of your mouth I like to think of it as Jeff capes living on hundreds and thousands he'd be furious wouldn't [Music] any wandering around looking for whatever the individual of hundreds and thousands is don't you call him we've only got one we'll call it 800 and thousand which is it's far too long a word for something that insignificant maybe they call it a one-two we got two ones that's confused I've always had hundreds and thousands of them surely in the early days when they first started making them they must have made a few see what they were like I mean that's not a good business census they've got a new product make a few make a few more it's a mystery in America they don't call them how does in thousands I say they're at corn that they call them they're called sprinkles and unfortunately I found that out at a gig and that was a tough night he's going the front row going hundreds and thousands wow how does that work I said no it's not hundreds and thousands of anything they're called that it's a cake decoration he said we don't call on that we call them sprinkles what is it sauce it's all right it's all right it's like Jeff capes right sprinkles Jeff capes this is a massive blow that's his strongest man in the world three years running loves his grub he's if we don't call him that we call him Luther Vandross so sit all right it's like Luther Vandross living on sprinkles but by that point they'd forgotten about the whales why the hell would luther vandross eat sprinkles he could have steak every day you say he's too dumb to go and find his own food he's gonna go round eat little bits of cakes racist buddy is that your problem so I just did a couple of knob gags and got off a weird Simon America had some interesting experiences when I was there I met actually the dumbest man on the planet when I was in America I was lucky enough to meet him genuine anyone got any ideas who it might be George Bush yeah George Bush she's not he's not stupid that's his greatest trick isn't it to make us think he's stupid George Bush's morsov auntie clever isn't it that's it that's his skill any other ideas someone a well they're going he shall say Elvis Presley no I tell you it is it's it's Michael Flatley no he's the most stupid man in years tell you why right because he had his election shirt for ten million dollars when you get to smack around there with a cricket bat doesn't get a penny and that's gonna affect your dancing isn't it good once a million no your legs are fine it really made me live it actually it happens to a lot of us I think it's quite common occurrence these days really winds me up I was flying to Dublin I got to went to the airport got to the airport about two and a half hours before checking plenty of time and I got to the check-in desk I gave him a ticket and the guy said oh I always hid he won't be able to go on this flight gonna go on the one o'clock flying what we've done he said we've oversold the flight said we sold too many tickets to the fly she'll gonna have to go on the next flight and what I said and these are my exact words what I said was I said what the [ __ ] right do you think you're doing selling my [ __ ] ticket and he said to me whether there's no need to swear I said no me you're wrong I said there is a need to swear in fancy situations like this that swearing was [ __ ] invented for this is where with God swear words the [ __ ] was Tracy for exactly this moment I said in Japan they don't need swear words no because everything works does their job I said in Japan you buy a ticket you got the airport get on a plane today language worse than bleeding Direction they got over a hundred different words for early and in this country we've got one early the last time you had that mate you were shagging your wife good he said to me he said you're only saying that because I'm black I said that's not true cuz he wasn't I figure he must have heard a black guy use it once was a good line but what am I supposed to say instead blast Fiddlesticks well shiver my Timbers somebody's happening a vast today mateys oh the VIP sake you can be flipped up my flipping down I can't flip in believing your mother flipper okay know that people that do objective swearing you know if there's a there's a situation when they think things are so bad actually swear away yeah that's just swell away like a legitimate occasion to sweat is it alright to swear for example the first time you realize you're allergic to nuts [Music] the room or you hear a noise upstairs you go and investigate and there's a bear and your loft it's a [ __ ] bear up teddy bear a real one it's been far-fetched that I appreciate my doctors wait he doesn't swear just much stranger he said he sort of uses he mixes up language he uses a bit of clinical medical language with a bit of slang because I went see another dad his pain in my side and now I'm Sam he said what you've done mr. Locke you said you've ruptured your lateral dorsal muscle and that's put a lot of pressure on the third vertebrae which has trapped these sacral nerves around your ass I just feel dirty if your doctor starts using words like bell ends leave now enjoy myself tonight I having a good time tonight cuz I've had a bit of bit of likes a bit of stress but the hassle we've got it's problem at the moment neighbor of mine I the real pains old guy lives next door to me Jesus drives me man if I play a bit in music he starts banging on the walls I think I'm sod him I'm not turning out for anybody buys a stereo he's always saying to me I fought in the war for you I fought in the one I've tried to explain so they got captured by the Germans I said you wouldn't have said Sean Lockwood you so technically didn't fight for me as an individual you fought for a state which I've borne into plucked from the ether chemical chance so you know and he looks at me very similar to the you bye you guys are now stay away from our cats but when he really pisses me off what I do around the shops I get about 30 bottles of milk the amounts on his front door wait for the police and social services too he's in the kitchen chasing a fish finger round the fryer they come crashing through the door then they arrest him for wasting police time and when they take him away what I do a nip into his flat and kill his budgie with a teaspoon takes ages [Music] Oh now some people enjoy that more than others this frost in us in certain parts of the room although I say so anyone is sort of offended or troubled by that please don't be upset by that because really wait be upset by is me killing an imaginary budgerigar with an imaginary teaspoon couple seconds later back on his perch I could put him in a vise tighten it so it's cradling him but causing no discomfort big box of trill just feed the greedy little bastard eventually something's gonna give I'm gonna be the vice like chicken or I could get a razor blade right slit his eyelids open eggs in there once they hatch out and eat through his brain he falls over like an empty kinder egg in moments he's running back up and down a letter happy as Larry is sticking up my ass feet first I'm not a maniac I thought this through obviously just so his Payton shoulders are sticking out stem sticking out on that and then I would reverse towards a powerful stone grinding wheel [Music] feathers coming down be beautiful I'm gonna leave you with that image in your eyes [Applause] fantastic right ladies and gentlemen it's that moment you've all been waiting for texts without tax so here we go gonna read some out I hate you I just wanted to be on the telly Gary that's where you finished off in lovely I am on the telly and I hate you in Tibet piece of cake is sexist that I find with brains a Labrador it's my birthday today say hello my name is David I'm 16 where are you David you're not 16 Jesus Christ you're only 16 somewhere very cold obviously where you from Mitchell can we get a club can you just stand up and turn around the words stone missing truth [Applause] I'm sorry 16 you looking forward to Christmas he's not real toilet just not you he's really all right definitely you down the chimney what what was Jack D I only came here to see him he's much better that's for a mr. JD of London what you call a lesbian dinosaur a lick a lotta puss Jonathan Edwards triple jump we've got a letter in the post of the day instead of it please do not bend I thought how am I supposed to pick it up [Music] so legit man thanks for coming to live at the Apollo or as they call it in Italy live at the chicken you've been you've been a lovely audience and before I leave you tonight I just like to leave you with some words of advice that my father once gave me he said son always remember wherever you go you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can't fool some of the people all of the time I said get it right that and he said yes I know but what I meant to say was you can't fool all of the people some of the time and I say get it right for thought take that and he says [ __ ] off you're adopted anyway [Applause] [Music] Dhar obreon is the host for next Monday's live at the Apollo on BBC one that's at the same time 10:35 with exclusive access to ricky hatton as he prepares for his

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Id: rsewl5cY6oQ

Length: 44min 4sec (2644 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 09 2019