Romesh Ranganathan Live at the Apollo

welcome to Noel at the Apollo yes mate Merry Christmas well I'm Hindu but a sentiment such an honor to be host in the Christmas live at the Apollo any sort of thing well how I got to this - want to give thanks to diversity quotas you know it really helped me out you're getting two for one with me because I'm Asian and I've got a lazy eye so what'd you get you get ethnicity and you get disability I do like Christmas I like to play the race card of Christmas what's good about it is that you can make anyone feel racist at Christmas it's a really nice little tradition I like to do if somebody comes up to you and says Merry Christmas you go why would you assume that I celebrate Christmas and if they come actually go Mary Kay I know do you celebrate you go why would you assume that I don't celebrate Christmas it's wicked man I love it or sometimes I like to knock on a neighbor's door and go here's your Christmas card no she didn't get me one for Diwali see you later nice nice obviously it's difficult for us at our house with Christmas and that because well I can't pretend to be Santa it's because of the lazy eye it just makes a nightmare the kids don't know which one I'm given the present is just my wife always wants to go away for Christmas right last Christmas she went to Disneyland Paris has anyone been there I liked it I found it difficult to engage with it fully because it was so expensive it's very difficult to fully enjoy it when you know how much you've paid to get your family in there a lot of my kids were walking around just like all the visions of Christmasy Disney and I just had in my eyes the invoice Jimmy notice for me Disneyland Paris is basically like a three-day angry walk Jimmy just wandered around Donald dude just furious so angry it's the first time I really thought about learning another language right because they all speak French obviously we're in France I'm not so post brexit that they can't speak their own language in their own country I'm a very paranoid dude we're queuing up for the Tower of Terror with my oldest son just about to get on the ride the guy behind the counter turns to his mangoes so back at the diner sure but that there I'm thinking what the [ __ ] did that do just say now my head I'm thinking he must have gone I think the bullet cluster is broken let's just try to add one more time on this brick and his son probably just said I fancy a sandwich I don't know the kids were very excited right out excited because how it works as you pay a lot of money to get in so that you can access some shop so you spend some more money right that's how it works the kids are like we're gonna buy loads of stuff I said no no you're not mate you allowed one present each yeah because daddy has been fisted by Mickey here right so you get one present each alright no messing about the little one but the thing is I actually made an extra saving because I got a seven-year-old a five-year-old and a two-year-old the TOI doesn't know what's going on to suck him off doing it I just I just gave him a croissant we got free at the hotel there you go thank you daddy thank you thank you so much yeah enjoy [ __ ] the oldest one he chose her he chose a Jedi cloak with me he's into Star Wars I mean not properly doesn't know the mythology properly but he is his he chose a Jedi cloak with Mickey is on it right now I made it I can feel tension in here he's wearing it around the house one of my mates when it's disturbed in disgust it's exactly why I didn't want them taking over Star Wars because of things like this what is your problem dude what are you concerned about are you worried that Star Wars is gonna become commercial Jimmy were you watching Jar Jar Binks and pick a night this is still cutting edge and it was big ears that pushed you over was it really my second son he chose he chose a radio control car fine get back to England so frustrating how [ __ ] this kid is that driving the car Matt like looking into coffee tables he's hitting my ankles is hitting the scone but a sitting dude a kid of your age made that you drive it you prick I believe of all this kid they're just my two older ones have just started school I think school is the earliest point in which I care what my kids have been up to cuz when my son was at nursery I should go pick him up from nursery and the girl at working there would go great day today great day today great day a great day would you like to your daily report of what he's been up to no could he possibly have done that I would care about let me guess he dropped some stuff and he [ __ ] himself right unless he's built a shed I really couldn't care they've got to resent the fat rabbana conversation that's the honest truth it's difficult is difficult for teachers I respect teachers you know and they get all these Christmas presents and that and people saying we've gotta buy presents right such as good teachers deserve it mate Jim and I used to be a teacher it's boring I mean it's liberating once you stop caring about the kids futures then it becomes a wonderful job but you have to do boring stuff and we had to do exam a vigil ation it's where the kids are sitting in a hall doing an exam and you've got to walk around pretending that you're interested and you're worried about them cheating to just sometimes I would do this right good luck mate just add a little spice to proceedings it was very boring I had to find a way of passing the time the way that I did is I played battleship know how to work was I'd get a piece of paper and I'd write down on a piece of paper the name of the kid that I thought was young list in the room or the kid that I thought had the shittest haircut and the other teacher would walk through the hall and they would stop by the kid that they thought I was talking about and if they got it correct then they'd sunk my battleship it was a very fun game it's not been made illegal in West Sussex sadly I just find it I find it exciting my kids get so excited about Christmas and I sort of get caught up in you know what what does the future hold for them and are they gonna follow their dreams and and then I realize that Christmas TV it just I disagree with it right I disagree with this I actually disagree with chasing your dreams I actually disagree with it if there's any message you get from this don't chase your dreams right life is not about chasing your dreams life is about compromising your ideals and waiting to die that that's what life is about you know like I just think teachers get a hard time I think they get a hard time about this right because somebody like Justin Bieber will win an award right and then he'll come out and he'll go I just want to say this is for the teachers that said I was never gonna do it yeah do you know what your teachers said you were never gonna do it Justin do you know how statistically unlikely it is for you to achieve the outcomes that you have done yeah especially bear anyone what a bellend you must have been as a kid right likely it is how irresponsible a careers adviser would you have to be to say to a kid you know what mate you need to stop studying you're gonna be the number one recording ice-t-- in the whole world if my kid came home and said that that's what has been told to him by a school I would go to that school and I'd burn it to the [ __ ] ground I want to see the other way I want to see a teacher who's told a kid he wouldn't amount to [ __ ] and he didn't come out and admit it right I want to see him go out and see me just go at this for mr. clock and well she said I was never gonna do anything with my life and I just wanted to come out here and say I haven't you know like nothing really going on free fair marriages behind me I'm wearing everything I own and listening to so she said I was gonna be a waste of space and it turns out I have been so my teacher they said I wasn't going to amount to anything yeah that's what I want to say because chasing dreams is a nightmare it's a nightmare and people who are doing regular decent jobs get disrespected that's what annoys me like you see on x-factor x-factor right when these people get through to the live rounds right they take them back to their old place of work which is a perfectly decent job they'll take this blow back you get the test goes or something sees his mate working on fruit and veg we used to work even he'll go that's paint used to work with him you know the thought of having to go back ever again just makes me want to kill myself you know hey PC so Beulah I've just like bananas you know what I understand is that being famous is fine but don't pretend it's Noble it's not a noble ambition right is vacuous so just admit that x-factor they try and add something they're trying to add some substance to it let you see that given backstory so that you go oh my god they've got to do it you'll see something go oh you know I just I just really want to make it through because my brother's got cancer and he said that one of his like dying wishes would be to see me go through to the live rounds and I think that is very noble isn't it because I would have assumed that one of his last dying wishes would be to get better like this this is willing to sacrifice that so that you can make it through to Louie's six chairs I mean that's things are that irritating the other things are that irritate me you know how cool I got given an Iggy Azalea album huh that irritates me any fans of Iggy Azalea in this is my problem Vicky Azalea she's a white Australian she's a white Australian and she's rapping like a black woman from the south and it's illegal was it legal I don't understand she doesn't [ __ ] she doesn't it's not that Eminem Eminem raps how he taught Iggy Azalea talk taught this hell I might harm Iggy and then when she raps she puts on that she does an impression of a black woman from the deep south they record that and they sell it and it's okay she's doing an imprint you understand what I'm saying to you she's doing of a black woman you get once at Iggy Azalea is a minstrel that couldn't be asked to black up that's what my brother said to mom overreacting you got him you're overreacting my tip pot she got Mack than Australian accent wouldn't be authentic would it be authentic I don't buy that as an argument you know if you went to an Indian restaurant and the waiter was white and for a little bit of authenticity he said would you like a poppadom [Applause]

Channel: ArseRaptor

Views: 2,696,359

Keywords: live at the apollo, stand up, comedy, arseraptor, romesh ranganathan, seann walsh, kerry godliman, spencer jones

Id: l6APT_sv5XQ

Length: 13min 4sec (784 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 22 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/jomanlk]

Hah this guy was great. Great closing joke >.<

[u/[deleted]]

He's hysterical! Spot-on about Disney World, too.