Romesh Ranganathan Live at the Apollo

good evening I'm us with Apollo how are we doing we good I'm hosting this [ __ ] nice to be here man nice to be here I'm very excited I'm really excited man I'll be honest I'm a bit tired I am tired man I'll tell you why a few months ago my wife gave birth to our third child well thank you very much but I don't know if I want the third child or not it's just too many innit I know it's late in the day to be having doubts but Jesus Christ has too many people in the world why I've had another one has it only it got more than two kids so I mean it's a mistake what a massive error man but what can you do you can't kill him just gotta sit there and wait to die just minutes is gone man I'm just gonna wait for this to end I think first kids lovely the second one's a prick that that's a mystery what an unacceptable human being missile are soulless I mean we're doing these behavior charts man you know where they get stickers for if they're good the first one he's so lovely hello daddy how can I help you daddy love you daddy so we got targets for him to get stickers I'd be good today be helpful to your friends the second one you can't have those targets man you go you've got a rush of the targets down for this [ __ ] you've got things like don't burn anything no knife crime these are the times you glad for this [ __ ] anyway he got to a point where he managed to get 5 stickers not that impressive it's over a six month period right but you got five stickers and I said soon right we can get you a couple of things mate go buy a couple of presents went down to the shop he chose two things he chose a spider-man costume and he chose a little push chair with a little doll in it system you can have both those things the problem was is that he wanted to use those things at the same time so the next time I went out with him we're down the park with this kid with a spider-man costume pushing a pushchair looking like a father for justice just a horrendous little tribute act if it does it does make you worry you know makes you worry I'm a good enough person to have kids I don't know I'm trying to get more intellectual started to read articles and stuff trying to be more news II get more news II get more clued up about stuff I read this article recently about rap music I'm a massive rap fan are there rap fans in you got yourselves yeah I'm a massive rap fans reading this article it said that rap music can perpetuate negative stereotypes about black people because if you don't know any black people then you watch a Snoop Dogg video apparently think all black people alike that it's very interesting article also made me realize that I have a hundred percent contributed to racism throughout my life and I'll tell you why I'm such a grumpy prick when I'm out and about if you bumped into me and you were on the fence about Asians I reckon I'd push you over I'm part of the problem because why people you don't realize they lucky wife one of you is a prick to me I just fit you're a prick I don't think all white people are pricks I'm a bloody representative your interactions with me determine how you feel about brown people it's autumn in London there's enough Browns to balance it out right if I'm in bloody Devon I've got to behave like I'm c-3po no sir I'm not a local No and the truth is I don't get that much racism I get funny [ __ ] I'll get like an older guy come up to and go you know what you're one of the good ones and I think that's funny I've got no issue with that I think if you've got an issue that you need to get the chip off your shoulder you know I mean if you're older and you grew up in a time and it's alright to say stuff like that and then times move on and you're not politically correct anymore that's not your bloody fault and if you're older you should just be given a card that says I can call you what I want there's other people got enough [ __ ] to worry about without worrying about being politically correct don't know got a false if I pissed myself this morning tell me I can't say [ __ ] on coop if I bump into an older person just to give me a wobble head to make them feel comfortable to thank Universal over but but ding-ding $2.99 it's just a sign of respect besides I did start to get worried though because I sort of thinking in the run-up to the last election you kit we're starting to get popular nothing ugh good what does that mean for my family and then I realize I don't actually know anything about you kit so I thought well you know I'll go check it out see what they're all about went to the website do you know what's a nice website easy to navigate menus I support this is all right I'm on board with this started looking at the policies so I thinking you know what I don't know if I disagree with a lot of this when I take tax off the minimum wage I'm in total agreement got to the end of it off a holy [ __ ] I think I might be you kit I've got on the phone to my mom I said to a mom what have you really contributed and you know what I wasn't that happy with her answers that's the only struffoli she might have to go my mum she actually um she doesn't think I'm a proper Asian it's a sad thing about it my mom calls me a coconut didn't if you've heard this term brown on the outside white on the inside wrong cause your governor the reason my mom calls me coconuts because I'm originally Sri Lankan my mother tongue is Tamil I can't speak it and the reason I can't speak is because my mom and dad never spoke it to mean I was growing up and now I don't know it my mom blames me so she goes to me bad the good or not I don't know what about why don't you know and then we'll go out I'm almost slag me off to a sri lankan friends in front of me like I don't know what's going on here maybe but they're not better that I know what you're saying I get the gist then should try to code that [ __ ] up so I don't understand but bounty hunter I know [Applause] Kinder Surprise order alright I worry about lots of things you know getting old I start to worry about the end of the world it's a lots of science at the end of the world aren't there you know these diseases are one of them another one is a gogglebox it's definitely the end of the world and that people are watching people watch television just I don't feel at the end of the party here does anyone here watch goggle box yeah it should be executed but I can't believe this TV program exists man I can't believe it what a damning indictment of every other piece of television that's being made do you mean can you imagine you poured your heart and soul into some drama and you say how the drama doing in the ratings not that well mate what's have been being biased being beaten by some people that are watching the drama what a kick in the dick I listen I don't deny entertaining Apollo I don't deny entertaining watching gogglebox but the problem is it puts you under pressure in your own house puts you under pressure man I don't want to have performance anxiety before I watch television because I'll sit down to watch TV will flick it on Google boxes on there or like banter banter banter banter and then my wife returns weaker why is it not like this when we watch said I'll tell you what it's not this because we switch this on so I don't have to talk to you that's not that's the whole point of television this has died let's switch this on dimming my phony you literally third in line in terms of I'm addicted to my phone man I'm addicted to my phone there any iPhone users in any Android phone users in problem with you what a self-satisfied smug bunch of pricks you are oh my god aren't my proud of themselves that they've got an Android have you got an iPhone oh no I'm not a sheep I think I make up my own mind about what further by you haven't unplugged from the matrix all right off the grid because you bought a Samsung alright massive corporation it's not a little family owned business two brothers salmon song such a seminal Marcus store and knock out phone you're not better than me all right and they love talking about the battery life to all my yards I imagine you're looking for a plug point shut up mate the [ __ ] battery life on smartphones the best thing about them because when the battery runs out then I'll interact with my kids right has it got no willpower I'll be down in the parking lot that's run out better find out where they're going with those old men the phone companies have got to admit that they've made the phones too good they have to admit it they're too good for humans they are they're too good because I'll be out with my wife and she'll say to me why are you constantly you're constantly you're constantly on the phone you're constantly on the phone why not madam I've got a little box here that can access any website I can play games I can watch films why the [ __ ] would I want to hear about your rash like this there is nothing you can say to me that can compete with this I'm watching Game of Thrones say something better than that [Applause]

Channel: ArseRaptor

Views: 4,448,319

Keywords: Live At The Apollo (TV Program), Romesh Ranganathan, Comedy (Theater Genre), stand up, arseraptor

Id: IITzJvMzPUc

Length: 11min 54sec (714 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 02 2015