Kyle's Prison Adventures

what was the most ridiculous thing someone was in for possession of half an ounce of marijuana I was about to ask do you have any cool you can there's a [ __ ] booth you can go to and like kissing booth what about God oh my god what if I go back in time I'd have won me and snow [ __ ] your [ __ ] light like who uses the photo booth wait hold on hold on this is the prison photo booth with their buddies oh no with their buddies no one but if you want to send a picture of yourself back to your homies you know how else you gonna do it is it like you got anything you find it Dave & Buster's where you pull the curtain back and just sit down it would be so several dollars a picture a couple max you just feed the fish in there not even in the prison sounds hilarious but only because it didn't happen to me yes Kyle's a good storyteller cuz this could just very dry and not that funny maybe I want to try a little stint in prison you give me like a week probably you know just go visit you know you get a job there you could do that yeah it was there was so much corruption throughout the whole thing you know such favoritism and stuff like that like like snow wanted to get a job up and up the hill where they have actual workout equipment and you know only but only the black guys got those jobs and you know the only black guys worked in the laundry there was mostly black people there so black people were sort of in positions of power as far as who got decide who got to do what so it was hard to get into those prefer jobs the kitchen was white you could try that but it's hard that's the kitchen was a mixed bag you got access to the food and you could steal some but also you had to make everybody's food and that meant you had to get really [ __ ] early and be in there working wait wait was there ever like was there anyone that was like legitimately talented in the kid I know that like the materials that you have to work with are limited but you know conceptually there's got to be excuse me one person that's like yeah man I was like a pretty decent chef like I can make some not [ __ ] food from your [ __ ] ingredients I feel like there's got to be a couple guys out there that's that's know again let's know again snow would make these bowls for me you know we have Tupperware and he made me a nacho bowl one day that was like Doritos and nacho chips covered with like refried beans and Cal and queso and salsa and how funny chili I'm sitting there eating it with a spoon and my stomach comes in get your ass back Greg I'm just watching my friend eat a bowl that I want to eat talk to my locker tonight it for you got what you make that I'm like no it's no mate who snow I'm like the guy who walks by herself four times a day and I've talked to man are you insane I'm like the big [ __ ] Mexican guy that I walk with every day man that every day who comes here every day three times a day you know I don't get it Greg are you [ __ ] and I hated Greg so much I liked him I didn't have anything against him I just couldn't stand I have to share such a school he lived below me I could reach like our lockers are touching great success preferable bunk position now it seems like everyone what's the bottom bunk everybody wants that bottom bunk because you don't have to climb up a ladder and you don't have and you're you're right there on the ground you just hop up you just you just sit down and get in they just want that bottom bunk whenever a bottom bunk became available in my cubicle my cube I was like [ __ ] it I don't want that I'm up here I'm up high it's cooler up here I feel like he's blowing right on me and I can see if the rate from the rapes coming yeah it's nice to get a little warning I got the lay of the land up here yeah is that a rape I see I know what this would be like a catheter removal I want to see incoming surprise rapes rapes coming from the south yeah yeah it's gonna be a wet one I like the top bug too I always thought it was the better one I don't know that I feel like a parent you know perching on top establishing my dominance yeah we got a better vantage point I assume over right that's a it's hard enough top bug what's wrong with you you unathletic [ __ ] like you gotta do a toe problem yeah I had my we each have or each assigned like a plastic chair so I just backed my plastic chair up to the ladder so I step off it take one more step and throw myself in and I'm up there the only problem is I felt bad getting up in the middle of night to piss or something because I'm squeaking and waking Greg up but Greg don't care he never complained once I think he has to pee again and also yeah you can sleep whatever you want you go comfortable nice hey my my cellie got some good aim listen silly take an aggressive piss was there a bathroom in yourself or did you have to get up and like walk somewhere you had to get up and walk to the end of the dormitory there's like 80 of us in a dorm set and we're sharing one urinal for toilets and five showerheads and about six sinks that is so tacky DC that's like Coachella porta-potties and Coachella it stayed rather clean it said rather clean I you know I'd usually go during like I would [ __ ] in the mornings I would do my best to get in there early hit it when it was clean and the only time [ __ ] and [ __ ] very quickly just just really try to get it out and get out oh that's the other thing I bought from the commissary that is a must have when you go to prison toilet paper by the commissary toilet paper cuz it's Charmin or some [ __ ] it's I came walking out with my bag of stuff and somebody noticed I had the toilet paper all four rolls of it that I paid like seven or eight dollars for and he was like hey how much is that TP and I'm like I don't know man like six seven dollars that [ __ ] soft as a [ __ ] cuz cuz my ass is bleeding and it's not from there's nothing rape yet toilet paper in there is the worst airport toilet paper you've ever seen and we're assigned roles there isn't a role in there you get three rolls a week I think which is way overkill and my is it into so thin so thin and rough it's literally on the side it says made proudly by blind people let me find the brand I guarantee it funny wait I'm wondering what blind people are like thank you I imagine they like Braille toilet paper like the toilet paper you would use at like a national park where you like found a bathroom in the middle of it like a three mile trail or whatever found it yeah that's the and it's just straight paper the roughest yeah it's also used by the military according to this there yeah skill craft we pay with pride by Americans who are blind yeah you can tell that kind of [ __ ] up that the companies called out look about you you get three loads they're getting paid more than eight cents an hour I imagine right you get three rolls that [ __ ] a week and they're your rolls so when you go you take your roll of toilet paper with you to the the toilet and you hang it up on a little stick like like a metal rod that's sticking out of the wall so you've got it there and the process was to flush continuously while [ __ ] like continuously like sometimes I'd be like that sounds incredibly unhealthy is literally I'm not exaggerating for comedic purposes 20 to 30 flushes in a row cool got y'all how could so that you won't it's like a courtesy flush it's so you won't hear him [ __ ] or smell the [ __ ] it's cuz it's just being taken away it's it's kind of nice it is kind of nice yeah it actually is I have you did you develop any habits in prison that you took home with you like you eat your food and guard it nah nobody was gonna take my food it's not like this was like a life like a lifelong thing that he like eventually adopted I'm just curious like was there any thing that you learned about that you're like yeah maybe life hack like I'll just do that at home huh I would say the meat the way I made those chili bowls with the microwave was really tasty and and and but but I don't know that I learned a new skill in that way yeah you didn't develop a habit um no I'm definitely not making my bed up in real life okay had to make it every morning in there like it's [ __ ] the army or some [ __ ] do they make you make it differently like my I make my bed I just kind of flatten out of hangover the sides it's not army tucked it in you know it's supposed to be they told me that in other camps they'd be like real strict about it or maybe I think some I was saying that when they were yeah yeah Greg told me that when he was in the medium security prison-- before that some lot of the guards are ex-military and so they wanted to like marine core standards and they'll come in with a with a with a ruler but all it supposed to be seven inches from cuff to cuff on top or whatever the [ __ ] and they're like throw all his [ __ ] in the floor and walk away and like come back later so he would pay somebody to make his bed I guess in max I suppose I don't know but he would pay this guy who would make his bed for him every day cuz the guy could make a bed real well I would just [ __ ] everything and under and would have been been making costs probably I mean it can't be it can't be enough that it's like maybe one hour of work you know right you're not gonna get reamed out but well it's not gonna be for four cents then you're not like wouldn't it be cool to make like I don't know time in just 10 minutes in prison and then you get mental 10 12 customers and all of a sudden you like you you got a day's worth of work based on your skill yeah but it's not gonna be a dime but I'm in the same thought process as you I'm sure that it's more than I shouldn't be more than a dime because there there aren't there isn't currency the only currency is things like max you know so you're you know you're gonna get a bag of fish are you gonna get like the Mac King just a throne of Mac yes I saw a guy who had a whole bag of mackerel I don't know how many it was it was likely you have your commissary bag is a big mesh bag that like can hold a ton of laundry and like you it's a big [ __ ] sack the end he had one full of mackerel just hung up in his cube I like to think that the currency changes and he's [ __ ] they moved to oysters the bottom fell out of the macro what was the like what was the biggest thing you could buy with a bunch of Mac's be like what well you were buying like goods and services you know or paying off debts you know because the people were going to eat the max usually but I'm trying to think like was the most you'd spend like having about 40 max for a massage you know I don't know I don't know how much massage would cost that would service okay so here's one if you want it so there was a guy who was the orderly who ran the big buffing machine they like polishes floors the big like industrial one and for like two max he'll do your cube he'll come in there and he'll just polish the [ __ ] out of your floor and your floor will be gleaming and clean and it's a big concern about a lot of guys were real concerned about the cleanness of the floor because you walk into the bathroom wearing your sandals and you you're gonna step in piss and then you're stepping back into the cube and stomping piss on your own floor so now every time you get out of bed you got to make sure you step into your sandals because the the floor has piss on essentially where you live and so that's so so Greg every day would pour shampoo on the floor take a towel and soak it in water put it on the floor and then like scrub it around his feet because he didn't want to pay wait wait so so you didn't have maybe this is naive but you didn't have two pairs of shoes a slider and like your shoe shoes so you could take your sliders off or whatever before walking into your room that's next level if you think if you took them off and you're then you're walking in your socks and pissed that's in the hallway no he is just heirs of shoes a dirty pair and then you transitioned to the clean pair yeah I'm saying you're never without you maybe right outside your cell is it clean outside the cell is pahis too but that's right so that's where you wear the dirty shoes then you get to your cell where it's a controlled environment and you switch to the clean ease you have to take them off and then like get to them and they're like deep in your cell it's going to explain but that just won't work but no I had I got you I had a pair of army boots I had a pair of sneakers I had a pair of shower shoes and I had a pair of flip-flops like I feel like there's a bet I feel like you could mitigate the the distance between your your piss shoes but I've not been to prison can't do it right as a salad or you just accept that the floor is covered in piss no your shoes have to be put away in a certain space everything has to be hung and the in its own little place like clothes get hung up a certain way Locker stay close beds made nothing on the bed nothing on top of the locker it's a whole thing you know that they came through one that the warden came through and opened the Indian guys locker and he had opened one of those cellophane bags of cookies and to preserve them for later he had put them in an old fort Folgers coffee plastic jar she was like contraband to preserve your cookies and I went and I looked and she had something I was like what does that maybe I expected to see like some child porn or like a picture of snows gram baby with like in his mouth or something some sort of dirty picture of a kid or something and it's a Folgers jar with some strawberry cream cookies in it did you steal it like I wouldn't my supposed to keep my cookies fresh no they were in the guardroom later and they're like free cookies boys [Laughter] so during you 2 months there when new people rolled in did they ever come and like not start at the bottom like if I if I jump in there and I've got big tattoo that says prison in an arc across my chest and whatever it is one of my favorite youtubers has that tattooed I didn't make it up yeah yeah I forget what it is but anyway yeah do people roll in and they're obviously like experienced prisoners and they're like God don't ya not only that they roll in and they already have friends there no yeah that's [ __ ] up you walking like Charlie or Charlie like whenever whenever block got there and became my cellmate for a short time before he moved to another cube because he knew people on the other side of the dorm he they had been an Atlanta together so they had been in the Atlanta cab and now they were transferring to the Alabama camp and they knew each other from there they're like oh yeah what's going on back in Atlanta this and that like like they a lot of them who had been there before knew each other because they were all doing so much time you know for 4 to 12 years and [ __ ] like that so they just knew each other and they recognized each other so yeah they sort of started out and like immediately got a job immediately they had privileges and like oh you need like it took me like four days to get shampoo at least you know I'm washing my hair with this [ __ ] made by deaf people soap I'm brushing my teeth with a toothbrush that was made by a guy with a wooden leg or something and I have no way of getting anything better but these guys like oh yeah let's get you a [ __ ] look at you some Colgate [ __ ] you know they're they're hooking these guys up right away cuz they know him and [ __ ] mmm yeah for sure they started out at like a level 3 prison RPG character some people were just born with advantages yeah absolutely yeah they had all their perks they had they had yeah yeah they're starting out with [ __ ] daedric armor dudes dudes got a [ __ ] magic rings magic necklace on his smithing is already at level 100 he can repair any of the ebony armor whatever he needs he's man chinks he can do the he can do several of the dragon yells whatever they're called the Fuwa Fuwa he's our he's he's got everything he's all set he's already got a house and white Ron he's he's good to go was there like an overarching like a mob or like anything that you could be like this you could point to that body of people and be like they're the ones in charge of the entire print just black people in general they didn't really have an organization that they're they're just just just black people in general I would say it's about 75 80 percent black people and then it's white people are definitely the minority and it didn't seem like there are a lot of young white people the white mostly old white people there and mostly young black people and mostly yeah do you think that it was do you think that that's mostly based like do you think that they're like the age discrepancy is based off of like where the judges said like because you said that prisoners or people get to decide like hey I'd like to transfer in 18 months do you think they're like these people like the old white dudes were just like yeah why go back to where I grew up you're like like what why do you think there's a I don't know I just noticed a lot of white guys a lot of the white guys were 52 50 to 70 years old like a lot of them were Andy yeah there was a guy who was about 60 six years old we called him Mack he had served in [ __ ] Vietnam I think yeah yes he's yeah he's 66 67 something like that and he could barely walk he had to use a walker to get everywhere and like he couldn't go get his own food and stuff and long had he been in nine years and I think he had like two or three more to go was he he was describing it was bright it was a bra it was a bribery thing but I'm sure he the fact that he got so much time would suggest to me anyway I didn't ask that he had priority sometimes I mean so do you did is there like some level of respect that people have or not respect that like generally like you know just beat up the elderly you know like was there any like limit that everybody was real nice to him snow would actually make that guy food or bring that guy his meals from the cafeteria every single day that guy never had to go to the cafeteria because snow would go to the cafeteria bring that guy his personal meal snow would and then snow would cook himself something so like that guy was doing meal every day that's when you were talking about how just not going to the cafeteria and cooking for yourself as an option like I would have thought that they force everybody to eat from the cafeteria and there's a designated meal time and I'm basing this on the episodes of Oz yeah there definitely is a designated meal time you know they call you and it's it's like afternoon meal is now being served afternoon meal last call for afternoon meal dining hall is closed you're like [ __ ] I didn't hear the first I don't know it's open you know there's breakfast lunch and dinner breakfast is 6 a.m. then launch is 10:30 a.m. and then dinner is 4:00 p.m. 4:30 p.m. something like that and foods fine it's fine it's cafeteria food like from high school was it was it on was it on a previous PK that we found the prison recipe book or was this something that I'm misremembering if I did maybe so you know while I was in there I was I was you know a bit of a mantra preneur so I was thinking like a commissary cookbook that no is a money-making idea I'm assuming that I'm assuming that since none of you remembered this this was something that I did at pentacon this guy had a was like I'm a published author so I looked up his name in his book and he literally had a commissary cookbook like how to make like like like apple cider it was like three like Mike's like hot tamales with like hot water steep it for like 20 minutes 20 minutes and like poured in with this hot coco kind of [ __ ] but yeah there's like a bunch of like convict cookbooks yeah yeah these I thought I had come with an original idea and then you know I would be in contact with Kitty like telling her what to send me and what to buy to send to my house it was waiting on me when I got out because I had all these things that I was planning to do when I got out and I still do you know I got an ice-cream machine I don't know I really wanted some ice cream when I was in there so I got an ice cream machine that made some ice cream machine is amazing I pictured your house now being decorated with the soft-serve machine I'm like he did no no it's a big Cuisinart no rock salt no ice cream from the commissary there is ice cream in the commissary but but you know I was on a diet in there I was trying to lose as much weight as I could so I was just eating a 366 calories a day is what an average I lost 35 pounds in two months yeah only lost you leave 360 calories that day that was the average that's insane I mean like that normal normal diet calories like 1500 calories a day how are you I'm sorry so like how what food are you ingesting that is only 360 calories well there were a lot of days where I didn't eat and that's why I'm talking about the average then there was a day where I like three bowls of chili and that's 900 calories that's crazy a bag of chilies through only 300 calories and then I'm putting stuff like sriracha and jalapenos and salsa and all those things are super low calorie foods light like that's like an extra 60 calories when you put sriracha jalapenos it calls here

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 482,251

Rating: 4.937005 out of 5

Keywords: PKA, Podcast, Funny, Painkiller already, podcast, prison, Woodysgamertag, FPSRussia prison stories, lorkappo, Kyle prison stories, Kyle

Id: ezIawGVkBvQ

Length: 24min 14sec (1454 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 07 2019