Kyle's Jail Tales | PKA

Kyle I will do a tasteful prison suit and then there would be no funnier bit than like me and woody sitting here and being like alright now it's time for the three minute Kyle catch up okay so we have very limited amount of time here and I'm sorry the quality is so bad but let me tell you about this blackface idea and they found out that we have a patreon and they're milking me out of all of it please help I only I've already I've thrown my hat in with the Nazis I've got a tattoo I wanted to be discreet they made it on my forehead they love the accent boys I'm gonna tell you right now it's a huge you guys huge PKA Comikaze cake I like their mascot now I finally found my audience I'm how we bridge the gap between the weirdly like aggressive Japanese inmates and the Nazis and now we're just all friends we have a powerhouse now now that I've got the Asians and the Nazis together we have a conglomerate and we're ready it's incredible the the unity that I have brought to the prison system with the kamikaze I can frankly I want to come back that would be funny yeah read from the Shawshank Redemption got let out after like 65 years and he'll I couldn't handle it he wanted to go back so he tried to commit more crimes be so [ __ ] funny if like you're sentenced for 90 days and by the end of it you're like I can't leave it might be something like that I don't care that's great stories you really the the second you're out PKA is gonna just explode with like you're gonna have to segment day one date you really need to keep a journal so you can bring great stories let's just talk about day one today and make next week is day two and you have content for 15 years like it's gonna be great stories III I'm really hoping that I get a you know a little bit a little bit of rejuvenation time we'll call it that [Music] summer I might be get a little little time off this fall I'm not too concerned about it I think it'll be an interesting a little lid filled chapter in my life and it'll make for great stories and I've always said yeah my biggest thing is you do it for the story like even if it's even if it's a unpleasant when it's happening you look back and you're like I have no no you can do the community service nope jump we'll be in there how many days was that put me in it's just yeah yeah plug me into the matrix I'm ready to go you know a few months in a minimum-security Federal Detention Center or whatever they call it these days maybe putting you're not getting stabbed they wouldn't put you with the real date try and escape try and escape they'll tack on another year and then you have better stories actually escape no no do that but you know yeah I concern me that much I I I think it'll make for interesting stories frankly if I if I do have to do something like that and if you have to do it me and woody you'll keep the show running we'll bring a third host on and wait for you to get out of prison it's gonna BAM base is the most rabid [ __ ] ever I love him to death my audience now but I'll be sitting down and somebody's like hey what do you think about being like a fourth host and I'm like I've been a guest 17 now I think I'm good just being a guest every three months and we're working on it so he's like yeah rapes climb killers and I'm like I have real spots as I can't repeat yeah yeah don't do that see any of our fans who are listening which is everyone who's listening we are no longer the rape squad killers because that doesn't sell okay a wink and a nod to between us all but we're the real sweet kids just go with that it's funner that way if are the real sweet kids where the real sweet kid they are the real sweet kids I'm not going back good kids like you even you haven't even told the stories about when you were in jail and those are some of my favorite stories ever it's like do you have any that you would feel comfortable saying right now I think um I don't want to put you on the spot oh just yeah I don't know I kind of want to save them I don't know what end like do I do a whole light light let I've got hours of so you got just like a tease for us like a oh man eggs were come on be eggs boy I never take that story back hard-boiled eggs more commodity okay like food would come and it was I was I wasn't only in for like three or four days or something like that but it's it's rough and everybody was like I've been in prison this is rougher than prison this is awful she's like in prison we get to go outside for like two hours a day we get this we get that we get that you say he's like you see that cooler of water over there we had to strike for that there was a hundred hunger strike to get that water and I'm just like [ __ ] all right well I'm glad y'all did that for me yeah you guys won solidarity brothers you know him like it's like mixed it's white guys black guys everybody we're all wearing our orange jumpsuits which are a little itchy by the way I'm gonna be honest I don't have fabric softener thrown in doubt it a lot of starch the beds [ __ ] suck and they're like I've been in prison the beds are so much better Reds are so much fun I'm like yeah this bed does it's a thin let roll up like pad you throw on to like a metal bed and the pillow is so thin that you've got to like fold it twice to get a pillow like enough pillow to put your head on oh it's cold oh yeah oh but then get hot and there's no way to get cool again so I've got like my I got my orange jumpsuit button-down - like my belly button will like my chest hair hanging out and I'm sitting over there like now you're worried about being too attractive for your snow not that's not an issue that's naughty pine it up like Britney Spears look ya know I don't I didn't [ __ ] the whole [ __ ] time for days haven't taken a [ __ ] because the food is so awful someone said that they had like a 37 cent a day like budget for each prisoners food and I was like I believe it I believe it food like like what kind of [ __ ] did you get serve prison my it was gruel Google all-day breakfast stop slap breakfast was oatmeal with nothing in it just kind of spattered onto a tray a hard-boiled egg there was hard-boiled eggs at every meal hard-boiled egg there was like two sausage links that were like your pinky finger and they were all like dried up and gross as [ __ ] I'd rather they were recording yeah they were the best part of breakfast that's what I ate some days the regrets some days they were oatmeal I preferred the grits cuz you can salt yes yeah you can salt and pepper those but there was no sugar or butter or anything like that for that for the oatmeal yeah every every meal had the same beverage it was kool-aid okay you had you had you had kool-aid and a very small cup and it was like this is my cup of kool-aid for the next six hours it's gone they don't know free refills in jail great I hate the moms great sipping on our [ __ ] kool-aid prisoners are all cool as [ __ ] right like everybody's cool as [ __ ] there's one child molester in the group though and we we all know who he is right it gets word gets passed around that old [ __ ] down there and because there's like levels and I'm like I'm up in the high level like I wanted to get up high because it's cooler up there not not like temperature-wise because it was cool it's like be in the back of the bus yeah in prison for three days and you're working out clicks that's a he's gonna be fine people were giving me candy bars and [ __ ] like hey Kyle you want you want a Snickers bar you want them through Musketeers I'm Snickers they're hooking me up with candy bars I'm like you may have put some money in a commissary fun when I get out and he's like nah I got plenty do don't they say that in jail where they're like don't take candy cuz somebody's in the coaching be like hey now you owe me your ass all I think they do say that but but this was jails and not not not prison so this guy was looking nah man he's got plenty of candy bars for a DUI I just know everybody's in there for the same [ __ ] like almost like there's a child molester there's one guy that I was in the initial holding cell and kids yeah he got caught with an eight-year-old girl with her paralyzed Noah you he was that he was there was one so there's a child bo what I said was they were all in for the show 99% of them in there are from marijuana or methamphetamine and and so everybody just kind of got the same like you I don't know [ __ ] [ __ ] me right Bernie Sanders true 2020 but there's what there's the there's the one guy that I got I was initially brought in with and he and I are in this cold-ass holding cell just chillin together waiting to get processed and put in and he's like 42 years old or something like that I'm talking to him like you know what do you do well they said I was stealing out of my neighbor's shed I was like well what were you doing yeah I steal that of a shed I was like I was like how'd they catch he's like they caught me breaking into his shed I was what to tell him he's like ain't told nothing yet I don't know what to say I'm like tell him you needed to borrow a shovel or something like he's like yeah yeah I'll tell him I needed to borrow a shovel Mike he'll believe that yeah you'll call off the hounds I'm like all right well in here I'm gonna have like common sense takes and everybody's like you talk to Kyle yet it's gonna be like give me your kool-aid your little three ounces of kool-aid and I'll give you I'll get you out of jail I got a big pile of eggs in front of me dozen eggs the lineup you're sitting on like a couple of twinks on all fours with your leg up and you're just eating hard-boiled eggs tell me again if you if you want my advice it'll be six ounces of Barry Barry allocation one day we got rec time right we get to go outside play basketball in a cage and so we're out there playing basketball a [ __ ] cage and and I don't play basketball you know whatever I'm sitting on the sidelines just chilling with like three other guys and we're watching some of the other guys play basketball because there's like just like a nurse ratchet in there who's like no aggressive play he's like we can't even do layups what she wouldn't allow layups it seems like nobody don't don't get it like you play you can play horse are you do free throws that's it [Laughter] [ __ ] play good god but what the [ __ ] so there's like three black guys over there playing playing horse can't they can't [ __ ] layup it's it's lame excuse me Rick yeah yeah terrible prison was morning and so like me and these other three guys are sitting there chilling and one of the guys that hook up the candy bar that I kind of knew from the outside and another and another guy and another guy that I went to elementary school with and actually played like little Little League baseball with and and and he's he's a black guy he's been read his Bible the whole time all solemn and [ __ ] was [ __ ] flipping through that thing over there reading up all so we and and and the guy who gave me the candy bar he's a white dude and he's about my size I guess and I I knew him like like he's like the boyfriend it's like I got a friend and that friend has a sister and that sister dated this guy like okay I saw him around you know enough to know his name and and like you know I'd hung out with him not like go to his place hang out but like I've been with my friend he'd been around and we chilled out and like stopped outside and stuff like that I knew it and so me and these three guys are two guys are sitting there plus a third guy who's is a one of the black guys that I have met in there was a nice guy too and somebody's like see I [ __ ] I'm like yeah yeah that that old creepy dude yeah you know what he's in for huh I don't know [ __ ] man I'm just we've been here two days and hoping they get us some peanut butter tomorrow though I'm hungry he's he's a child molester he was pretending to be a plumber and and the guy caught him with his daughter in the bathroom with her panties down eight years old and I was like [ __ ] it's like yeah we don't get that [ __ ] I was like yeah I don't like that [ __ ] you're wearing like your rain like if I get a couple punches in that's like what two weeks like is it worth it I get a punch or child molester like you know I'm not gonna do anything but I'm going along like yeah I hate that [ __ ] that's [ __ ] everybody else is in here for some some regular old [ __ ] you know Jude bill over there stole a shovel Ernest you tried to he's a failed shovel feed and you had want in your car and you had math right Steve hey Steve you deserve this one you look like it was math yeah but this guy over here this creepy [ __ ] he's in for child molestation and like I got released like the next day but they were plotting to get that guy but I don't mean it was gonna happen it was more like [ __ ] that guy he's a piece of [ __ ] don't talk to him and like don't don't share eggs with him anything like that do people bully the pedophile like that's my egg now nah nah there's nothing like that no nobody was aggressive or mean or anything everyone was just kind of like dealing with their own experience right everybody had kind of kind of seemed to have the same attitude and it wasn't necessarily because everybody was only in there for a day or two days some of those guys had been in that jail for months because they couldn't get bail not because they couldn't necessarily afford it cuz a bail bondsman is like 10% of whatever your bail is unless you've got some crazy [ __ ] bail is like 10 20 grand so you just need like a few hundred dollars to get out most of the time this guy he was like look I'm no expert the criminal justice field clearly but this guy he was like you know if you ever make it up to Boston Massachusetts you're free and clear they got no extradition in Massachusetts that's where I was trying to go last time they got me I was like what seems like yeah yeah I was trying to that's why that's why they won't give me a bail I I tried to skate I run for it they gave me bail and I was gone boom I was out I was halfway up to Boston and then they caught me and and and now they won't give me no bail I'm like wow how long until your court day oh [ __ ] August or something it was like it looks six months from then I'm like how long have you been in here about a month and a half or so it ain't so bad though you know that feels pretty good can I have one of your eggs yeah man I don't like hard-boiled eggs you know you will cracking it up and like Gollum so thankful for this egg lightly go the fact that they're like just enjoying hard-boiled egg arguably the least tasty way to make an egg I make that [ __ ] what I'm like not trying to get up in the morning and do anything I'm just like well it's in the fridge like met her pop a couple he's in my mouth and I'm good like oh uh we're ex the main bartering food I think candy bars probably would have it there wasn't any bartering really going on it was just it like the thing about the egg was it's it's hard-boiled so it'll keep not for days obviously cuz it's a [ __ ] egg but like you can have an egg at this and you can put it in your little container we all have like these little plastic containers where all of our [ __ ] goes into that's our container and like you know if you need a snack later grab your egg and you got your egg it's not like there's power bars floating around necessarily so it's like it's like you can't save your oatmeal right you can't say [ __ ] like that but your hard-boiled egg it's good til lunch you can have a big lunch if you're not into breakfast you know what was the big [ __ ] you could get at the commissary that everybody wanted Oh what kind of options do they have there I was told there was like kool-aid powder and all the candy bars you could want but but like I I wasn't in there long enough to like be concerned and get deep into that no and let my prison number didn't work on my bracelet or whatever and that's how you like do all that [ __ ] so like I didn't know how to make phone calls for like the first day or two and I know how to and and so that would have also been used I think to like get into the commissary and like buy stuff but I had no idea how any of that worked and I didn't feel like asking I was just like hopefully I'll be added you know soon if this was dinner like or like lunch and dinner same [ __ ] like it was like it was this bologna sandwich for lunch that was the most anemic thin sliced Bologna on this gross ass was like a half slice of Bologna but horizontally yeah yeah it was like you took a normal slice of Bologna and and split it it was absurd it was terrible and potato chips that was lunch oh it's bad that's it do they even give you condiments I don't remember condiments how do you eat a thousand calories a day if you're eating two hundred four meals oh I lost about 15 pounds I lost a considerable amount of weight cuz I didn't eat I just slept most of the time Late Late Late like I was like what's asleep through this nonsense you know like I was like you know wake me if they need me and an occasionally they would I'd have to do a thing but like for the most part I just like slept and like wrapped up I took my pillowcase off the pillow and wrapped it around my head like as a blindfold and just and just slept as much as I could till I like just you know nap through this whole thing and I'm pretty good at day sleeping I can I can sleep a day away knocking you can knock it out yeah I knocked that right out and we had television I forgot that we had a TV with uh with CNN on and we could pound loudly on the plexiglass and be like to have a he'd be like alright changed it once this hour so Jesus Christ dude you're literally operating a remote control and you're in a bunker over there hey is that a [ __ ] douche bag didn't want to change the [ __ ] Channel and shows they wanted to watch um there was some reality mostly CNN because the the Korean Missile Crisis was going on and Kim jong-un was occasionally like launching missiles over Japan and [ __ ] like that so that was like the news of the day and we were all pretty into that and you know discussing it what else do you gonna do and and then at night like at primetime they play like the local news and because some of these guys would be on it and then they would play like Dancing with star with the stars or something like that like some reality show nonsense and but but I mostly just is mostly CNN the way I remember it [Music] Gilson doesn't sound nearly as bad maybe I'll stop in sometime that's it maybe I'll just try and see what's up maybe I'll make some stories of my own yeah yeah yeah loiter a little too long somewhere and find I don't know I feel like I'm not built for jail you know oh you're built for light my friend I'm built for it but not in the way that I want to be built for you know well you're a runner perfect you know they're like hey twigs are in this season huh yeah we had a the way I remember we had two two maybe three showers and they were like in the cellblock like there wasn't some where you went to shower it was like there and then there's like two or three toilets by that with like a little cubicle wall between them but I was like you know not that dirty and I didn't know I have [ __ ] I'm just gonna chill you didn't shower or [ __ ] for days yeah my three had not showered the day that I went in it was uh yeah that's gross you should be back in there for that but I'm in air conditioning the whole time I'm not sweating I didn't stink I got home I was like do I need a shower nah no I shower I shower to meet you I don't because I just hadn't been eating I just hadn't been eating anything if you know if you're not eating then it makes guy yeah I had just had a little bit of oatmeal like like I'd literally have like two bites of oatmeal meal yeah that's enough cuz they're not burning any calories either I'm just sitting this all day just sitting watching TV and sleeping and and talking to those guys cuz there I it sounds weird to say the nice guys but they really were you know that they were all in there for most of them we're in there for nonsense things like all almost all of them were nonviolent things and like one of they got like literally the one guy he's like I had a boy in my car anything I was like yeah I'm a little meth in my system and it was okay yeah like you're also taking these guys a word for it what why Allah I only had a blunt well to be fair it was weed that was going to be rolled into a blunt and by blunt I mean two to four thousand blunts because it was ten pounds it was like they had no reason to lie to me because like we're like in a sidewalk like locked up and and he you know they would tell me other things then I was just like one thing this is good for credit can I tell somebody about this no but you know they would tell me stuff that they were gonna do in the future and I was like don't do that don't do that yeah he's like when I get out I'm gonna do this in them not don't I don't think you've shaped up for a life a crime because you're here you know we've all failed out very early in our criminal careers we we won't make it we're not gonna make it in Oz we're gonna be them not the swastika tattoo you want on [ __ ] first day he's like when I get out I'm gonna do that I'm like not don't don't do that man that's that's worse that's worse than what you're in here for don't do that is it is it I'm like yeah yeah yeah don't do that just just they all had bright ideas about the future and the things they were gonna do when they get do they have like checkers or chess or cards or anything he could guards we had poker but you couldn't gamble and it like put like poker gambling is boring and there's no cigarettes in there so like look I made me think back to rounders when like Edward Norton's character did not smoke and yet he would gamble with cigarettes and they and like he gets released and he's got all their cigarettes and he walks out he's like come on man you don't even smoke he's like yeah and like as soon as he gets outside the gate he tears the cigarettes in half and throws them away yeah there's nothing to gamble with in there somewhere eggs I guess and nobody's gambling I love it gambling with eggs incredible you know we'd have enough eggs to gamble with so yeah there was there was no real no real gambling to be done I'm so mostly just CNN interesting doesn't even sound like remotely enjoyable no I think it doesn't sound bad it just sounds boring you know I mean like the like yeah that's exactly what it is it's it's just it's it's extreme boredom you know if there's a lot of chatting you know I would have talked to me guys about what they were doing and what they've been doing and like you know especially the guy that I went to elementary schooler with weather whatever and used to play like little league baseball where then and I'm just talking to people about what you know it's talking okay because what else the [ __ ] you gonna do nothing nothing to do damn pretty pretty boring but you know again I made for a couple of good stories here and and I'm trying to think if there's anything else that that's of note that we did in there I don't I don't think so the whole thing was silly oh the the oh wait - Taylor gets back to talk about them do we have any more ads Chism I am I skip anything I don't think so yeah there were yeah I think I did there were a few different guards and they'd be on shifts right so we get to meet them all throughout my stay anyway and I got to learn like which ones are liked and which ones are disliked like what makes a good guard versus like a like ones that just like reciprocate friendliness or like some other news jerks and like kind of abuse their power there's rude or whatever or like you know they won't change the [ __ ] we're talking about oh we think it's as a head set up where I was talking about the guards and like the different hierarchy of the guards like there was one guy that they called Barack Obama cuz he was like a clean-cut black guy who kind of sounded like a Barack Obama I guess and I immediately made him my friend I was like he had to take me somewhere and like bring me back and I was like you know all the other guys in there I got a lot of respect for you he was like yeah for real do you really mean that do they like me yes Barack like I said they call you Barack Obama they admire you they they say that you're your firm but fair well I was born in Kenya that's good that's good that's nice well then there was like a white lady who was just the the worst person ever she's just so rude just so rude just like you up there you'll bear that bunk man get down here you sleep down here it's got sick he needs to be up there where it's warm and I was like [ __ ] you I've been in this bunk bed for 48 hours now alright go downstairs and sleep in the cold and like but then but then she gets off and I'm like I go back upstairs in a I want my bunk bed back I didn't want me up here anyway but yeah you were messing with my friend Kyle's bet [Laughter] that's really [ __ ] funny that that they uh it seems like the it was she fat I picture fat mm-hmm okay typical give them a give a mention they'll take a mile yes where it's like she had to feel like overcompensating the whole time of like they all know they can take me so I gotta be twice as kunti to you know make it to be authoritative I had these shackles on at one point like full crazy shackles like I was Hannibal Lecter and the guys like hey they had to like move me somewhere and the guys like alright chill right here and he put me like this little cell I got to do a little bit of paperwork and then I'll grab you and then we'll go to where we're going and like but he didn't like lock one key lock on my full like Shaklee thing so I was able to like like slide everything out and be completely free again so when he opened the door I was like holding off with chains and cuffs in my hands I was like I'm not Houdini or everything but I am free he was like [ __ ] oh that's how are you wearing anything particular the day you were brought in yes yes I was I had on a pair of novelty underwear were they me undies no they were not does not make a pair of underwear with a with an elephant face on the front and a trunk to put your [ __ ] in yellow boxer briefs with an elephant's face on the crotch and in his trunk is my [ __ ] like it goes down into like a whole like trunk and so like when I was first like getting into my jumpsuit or whatever I was you're supposed to be naked in there or maybe in your underwear I don't know which but I was like hey man I wore some silly underwear you think I could just keep my basketball shorts on over here and just nobody will know he's like what do you man for I told him he's ah you'll be on it there too yeah no words don't don't worry about it that's that's that's more for people who's gonna be up in here that's like cool and so but then when I was like getting you had your [ __ ] in an underwear elephant trunk unshowered for almost four days yes yes I did it's so vile I've burnt the underwear never can tell you this bunch of country dudes who are just like in there for [ __ ] GUI and pot and meth and a little bit of shovel stealing yeah and then the one rapist and that one piling Reinfeld rapists but it was like clear right away that everybody was like hey we're in here for some like normal regular like dude [ __ ] that people just you know don't do people do sometimes that guy's a [ __ ] scumbag though what's he doing in here with us you know there was definitely a they did not want him in there it was it was interesting you know it's fun stories I remember like long ago when like woody and I would talk about how like there was a bunch of young commentators like especially like early in the YouTube thing and there'd be like really young guys and and I'd be like you know those young guys they've got they they don't have anything over on you and I because we've lived lives already like we've already done a decade worth of real-world adult man [ __ ] and in your case two decades of adult like real man [ __ ] they don't they don't have our stories and experience if they're if they're 15 years old and let hey so uh I'm I'm doing good at call duty again guys um I've gotta wrap this up soon so uh all right just just just watch the video let it wrap up later all right but you know this little nonsense that I've been caught up in I think it's gonna it makes for good stories it's fun it's seasoned me as an individual it'll be it'll be it'll be different than the county jail though yeah supposed to be better hopefully yeah

Channel: PKA Clips

Views: 340,821

Rating: 4.9143796 out of 5

Keywords: PKA, PKA 426, 426, Painkiller Already, Painkiller Already 426, Painkiller Already Podcast, highlight, Pka highlight, pka highlights, pka clips, PKA 426 - Tucker, Top 1% - Kyle's Jail Tales & Getting into Puke Play, Accidental Sister Loving, Prison, Jail, comedy, jericho, tucker, FPS Russia, Kyle Myers, FPSRussia prison, FPSrussia jail, prison, jail, Prison Story, FPSRussia, FPSRussia PKA, PKA Kyle, Kyle Story, Kyle prison, Kyle Jail, Jail Tales, FPSRussia story, fps kyle

Id: 59ZbDompt-o

Length: 32min 54sec (1974 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 16 2019